Blog main page | RSS feed | All posts

Illustrated FML (339) - About FMyLife (101) - Videos (34) - Ramblings (18) - Pictures (14) - Books (9) - Special guests (8) - Competitions (6)

Jérôme Martini's illustrated FML

Hello everyone! Here we go away for another trip through the weird world of illustrations, its highs, its lows, and strange inhabitants. Creativity is something that doesn't really know any boundaries, and this week we're welcoming someone who doesn't really know when to stop. He makes illustrations, but also writes books, creates sculptures and also makes a bit of music. We really recommend that you check out his diverse body of work. Let's check out what we've got for today!


"Can you hand me that hammer and that screwdriver? I'm sure I can get that cork out."

Self-portrait Jérôme by Martini

This week, it's Jérôme's turn to be with us for the journey. He's never been on FML before, despite my best efforts to get him on here. Too busy, it seems. 

His info:

Location: Frouzins, near Toulouse in France
Site : his Facebook page
His illustrated FML: The one with all the hair


Who are you?
A young man who lives with his wife and two small children, amongst our collection of cars and jerrycans.

What do you do?
I work for the petrochemical industry as a mercenary. But I read "What Car?" a lot.

Where do you come from?
I come from the south of France. If you've never been there, you should.

How old are you?
44, but I'm a repressed teenager.

What's your favourite self-penned illustration? 
My portrait of John Lennon:

Who is your favourite illustrator?
The guy who does the illustrations for "What Car?"
Your passion, besides illustrating?
"What Car?", my wife and kids. Good cheap wine, the one they sell in plastic bottles. 

Your favourite place in the world?
Autozone, especially the tire section. I love the smell.

What gets on your nerves?
Traffic jams. Sundays, because in my area, the car shops are closed.

What makes you happy?
A good tyre pressure. And a good hose pressure. And a good tap pressure, especially if beer is coming out of it.

Who is your hero?
Obama. Or those Top Gear guys. 

Your favourite word?
Tire. Or Tyre, depends on where you're spelling it.

What's your favourite smell?
Brand-new tyres..

The job you wouldnt've liked to have done?

If you had to take a book, a record, a comic book or movie on a desert island, which one would it be?
"What Car?"

What would you like to sell to us this week?
At the moment, I'm selling nothing because I'm a misunderstood artist.

If God exists, what would you like him to ask you after you die? 
"Hurry, we've just received a batch of new Michelin 165R15s! Wanna try them out?"

That's it for this week. Thanks Jérôme for dropping by at last, and thanks for your wonderful illustration! Some might say we went too far with regards to experimentalisation this week, but sometimes we have to try to attract new markets, new audiences. If you enjoyed the illustrations, leave us a nice comment below, especially if you want to see more illustrations like it. Or even if you didn't like it. In any case, until next time, here's the FML team when it's time to clock off, and here's a bit of magic before the weekend. Be excellent to each other, and take care! 

What about you then? Think you have talent and want to participate in an upcoming illustrated FML? Send us an email to [email protected] not forgetting to give us the address of your blog, or just some of your works.

#1582 - Illustrated FML - On 04/01/2016 at 5:37am by Alan - 5 comments

S-Kro's Illustrated FML

Hi gang! Or should I say Happy Friday, Party time, Happy time! OK, I'll chill out. We've had yet another shit week due to people not letting other people go about their business, living their lives peacefully, it's just one shitstorm after another. Let's not dwell on that, because this isn't the time or the place and I'm not qualified to comment on anything other that armpit fart noises. This time around we're looking into mass genocide of creatures that lived millions of years ago, and the way things are going, I think our number is soon to be up. Maybe rightly so. Let's piggyback onto a colorful scientific explanation and see where it all went wrong for Denver. The dinosaur, not the city.


"I was going to say something vulgar…"

Self-portrait S-Kro by S-Kro

This week, S-Kro is back amongst us. He has already been on here many, many times, so you could say he's part of the family. 

His infos:

Location: The Internet
Website: His blog and his Facebook page
His illustrated FML: The one with the dinosaurs


Who are you?
If anyone asks, just tell them that you don't know.

What do you do?
Well, I'm answering your questions.

Where do you come from?
The south of France.

How old are you?
36! (Yes, I've grown a year older since my last illustration for FML)

What's your favourite self-penned illustration? 
I'd have to the one explaining Star Wars scientifically, just because it's the last one I posted. Speaking of which, if anyone knows Roland Lehoucq (the astrophysicist that I quote in the comic), I'd be glad if they'd show it to him. 

Who is your favourite illustrator?
Hmmmm, there's quite few, so it's going to be tough to mention everybody. I'd say that the first that come to mind are Maëster, Coyote, Gotlib, Eric Powell, Toriyama, Todd MacFarlane, Greg Capullo, Eric Herenguel, Fabcaro, Julien Solé, Mo CDM, Monsieur le Chien…
Your passion, besides illustrating?
I discovered that science could be exciting and fun thanks to Bill Bryson's books in 2014, and I decided, at my very humble level, to launch myself into popularizing things that I understood (meaning not a lot, actually). I also read a lot of books and scientific articles during my spare time. And comic books too, obviously. 

Your favourite place in the world?
I was going to say something vulgar…

What gets on your nerves?
Loads of things. The list would be too long.

What makes you happy?
Simple things: a child's smile, my friends' laughter, the smell of a forest, the roundness of a pair of breasts… 

Who is your hero?
In the extraordinairy people sense, I'd say Nikola Tesla, Richard Feynman or Stephen Hawking, but he's crap at basketball. And to avoid being a misogynist, I'd add Marie Curie, due to two Nobel prizes and lives saved on the battlefields!

Your favourite word?
"Ornithorynque" (French for Platypus), because I know how to spell it, and because it's worth loads of points at Scrabble.

What's your favourite smell?
Freshly cut grass.

The job you wouldnt've liked to have done?
The person who has to eviscerate trouts or a worker in a factory line, because I hate repetitive tasks. 

If you had to take a book, a record, a comic book or movie on a desert island, which one would it be?
For the recoard, it would be a compilation with bands like Motörhead, Slayer, Nirvana, Bowie (yes, that's not a band, I know), Queen, Metallica, classical music (I strongly recommend the 3rd movement of Beethoven's Moonlight Sonata, I'm not kidding, it's really good). For the book, "A short history of nearly everything" by Bill Bryson, don't miss it. 

What would you like to sell to us this week?
I don't have anything to sell, not this week anyway…

If God exists, what would you like him to ask you after you die? 
"Hey, so is this how I created the Universe... Oh shit, I just deleted my back-up!" 

That's it for this week. To tell you the truth, I'm quite happy that it's Easter Monday this weekend, because I really need a long weekend to get some rest. Yes, where I live, it's a holiday on Monday, I don't have to go to work. Woohoo. Not that I'll be totally resting, there'll be birthdays, drinks, shopping, washing and cats to be brushed. Things to do, people to see. My family live far away so, so I get to avoid the tense Easter family meal, but try and get to see yours. And enjoy it. Until the next illustration, here's how most of us feel on Friday after work, and despite the recent events, remember that life is still worth an owl lot more than that. Take care and be excellent to each other. 

What about you then? Think you have talent and want to participate in an upcoming illustrated FML? Send us an email to [email protected] not forgetting to give us the address of your blog, or just some of your works.

#1581 - Illustrated FML - On 03/25/2016 at 7:43am by Alan - 2 comments

It's World Procrastination Day on FML

March 25th is World Procrastination Day. For those of you reading this right now who are too lazy to Google the word procrastination, you are ironically the people concerned by this celebration, because it means putting off until tomorrow something that you could've done today. Being idle, basically. To show our support, and because we also like to do absolutely zilch and watch time go by, we've selected a few FMLs which show true laziness, dealing mainly in the art of skiving and putting things off until another day. 

Today, my husband was so intent on avoiding doing the washing up that he made himself some hot chocolate in a vase. FML

Today, I asked my five year-old son if he would like to come play with me, instead of sitting around doing nothing. "No thanks, I prefer watching the clock." FML

Today, I realized just how lazy I was when, to avoid having to move all the way to the dustbin, I ate an apple entirely, even the core and the stalk. FML 

Today, I downloaded a movie that I already own on DVD, because I was too lazy to go and fetch the DVD in question in the next room. I think I've reached a new low. FML

Today, I wrapped my boyfriend's Christmas presents for him, because he was too lazy to do it himself. This included my own present. FML

When we are feeling lazy, it's a pleasant sensation. Other people's laziness is a curse and must be eradicated.

Today, I discovered my 18 year-old son has been peeing on the carpet when he is too lazy to get out of bed in the morning and blaming it on the cat. FML

Today, my daughter is so lazy that to avoid emptying our dishwasher, she puts it back on wash. She's done it twice this morning. FML

Today, my five year-old son asked me, "Mom, are you a lazybones?" I said that I wasn't. He then replied, "So go get me a fork if you're not a lazybones." FML

Today, my employer is such an idle so and so that he seriously asked me to fill out my own job termination papers. FML 

Today, my laziness hit a new low when I tried closing my bedroom door using my mind. FML

We're allowing you, as this practically hallowed day decrees, to put off until tomorrow the boring stuff and just put on your slippers and chill. Sleep, hang out, and make the most of that idleness that has remained dormant within you! Enjoy yourselves and take care. 

#1580 - Illustrated FML - On 03/24/2016 at 9:45am by Alan - 27 comments

The Best of the Worst #22

It's March, it's Friday, it's the perfect time to post another Best of the Worst! As usual, we've trawled through the dross, and prepared a bunch of posts from the bottom of the FML mailbag that are bound to make you look confused like a dog being showed a card trick, due to the fact that they probably written using this method. Let's get on with it.

For the people who have never seen this section of FML before: we get sent lots of FMLs, each day, every day. We only publish a few due to the fact that a lot are awful. Amongst those, we also get sent very odd stories, if you can call them stories. That's what we post in this column. This is a collection of the best of the worst FMLs that people have sent in to us. Check this month's selection!

It's natural 

I picked my nose and tried to flick a booger off of my finger, and it landed between the keys of my laptop. I tried to get it out, and it fell beneath the keys. There’s a booger stuck in my computer. FML.


Today, the girl who I slept with last night took pictures of me while I slept and posted them on social media stating “New BF!!!!! He has the biggest dick ever!!!!!” I now have to go around campus explaining to people that only half of that is true, I don’t even remember her name, FML

The Elephant Man

Today, I found out I’m going to have to see a chiropractor for the rest of my life because of my wanking technique during my bodies development. FML


Hello, i am a daily NGU user, and i didnt get sect FML.

Bitchin' dialogue

Today I asked mym “ye little byatch, you trynna suck dis dick”, and she said “you on your period ya little bitch?” FML

In the mood

Today, my teacher kicked me out of the classroom for not being in the mood for hot chocolate. FML

That's bananas!

Today, while drinking APPLE JUICE and listening to the radio an announcement came on saying how drinking APPLE JUICE can cause cancer, my dad just bought a case of it and now I’m scared to drink it


Oh no

Boner Achieved and there was a fat kid.

The rubbening

Today, Today while rubbening My wife i accedently screem het you like That bitch as u screamed to an whore last friday! It ended up with divorce papers! :)

That's it for this month. We'll be back next month for some more weird FMLs, because there's plenty more in our backlog. You can probably see some yourself by using the "Moderate the FMLs" feature on our website/app. As usual, these all have been collected from the website right from the very beginning, so don't bother trying to send in your own weird ramblings to try and get them published in here, it won't work. Take care!


Bonus track: More proof that that God is real.

He is on FML

Want to go to heaven God knows you read this You have 50 seconds to repost this.

#1579 - About FMyLife - On 03/18/2016 at 6:32am by Alan - 54 comments

Saint Patrick's Day comes to FML!


Today, it's Saint Patrick's Day! To celebrate this day, as well as its country of origin, we've selected a few FMLs (and translated some VDMs, from the French website) about Ireland, the Irish and drunken celebrations as a whole. 

Here are those few fun and sometimes intoxicated stories, all relating to this special day. First of all, let's go check out Ireland: 

Today, a group of wild Irish students absolutely insisted on taking a selfie with me, to prove to their friends back home that here in France, they also celebrate Saint Patrick's Day. I'm just a garbageman, dressed in regulation green overalls. FML

Today, I found an old dress in my house laying around. I decided to dye it green to wear it out on St. Patrick's day. Turns out it was my grandmother's wedding dress that my sister was planning to wear for her wedding. FML

Today, during a school trip to Ireland, I tried taking a souvenir picture of a sheep wearing my sunglasses. So, if you ever see a sheep running past with sunglasses on, they're mine. FML 

Today, I bought an apartment over what I have just learned to be an Irish folk music store. FML

Today, an American lady here in Ireland asked me if I was a Leprechaun. Thinking she was joking, and me being quite "vertically challenged," I decided to just say yes. She then grabbed me and made me endure photographs, cuddles and pats on the head from all her fellow tourists. FML

What would Saint Patrick's Day be without a nice cold beer. Or some whiskey. And maybe another beer. While you're at it, get me two more whiskeys. Some more beer? Sure, pour it on.  

Today, my girlfriend and I went to a bar during Irishfest. When I returned to my girlfriend she was crying and told me that this guy pushed her. I confronted the guy and poured my beer on him who just happened to be the chief of police. He was trying to make room for a guy in a wheelchair. FML

Today, it's been almost a week since I returned from my vacation to Ireland. Before I rarely drank. Now I'm pretty sure I'm an alcoholic. You might think I'm joking, but I've woken up hungover every day since I landed there. I basically paid to kill my liver and become AA's next poster child. FML

Today, I went in to get my first tattoo. I'd put a lot of thought into it and was really excited when the day came. Long story short, the Celtic knot I'd gotten turned out to have an alternate meaning of "female sex slave." The faces my very Irish family made were beyond words. FML

Today, I marched in the St. Patrick's day parade. My horn has an inconveniently-placed spit valve that has to be drained frequently. At the end, I discovered every time I emptied it, it would spray all over the front of my pants. I marched an entire parade looking like I pissed my pants. FML

Today, my drunk dad started yelling at my dog for not having a job. FML

For today, you are allowed just this once to dress in green, dye your hair ginger and make the most of the industrial breweries. Not that all Irish people are drunken redheads. Happy Saint Patrick's Day!

#1578 - About FMyLife - On 03/17/2016 at 2:17am by Alan - 12 comments