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The Best of the Worst #18

September! The summer is over, everyone has forgotten about their vacations, so to boost morale, we're delving once more into the nooks and crannies of the FML postbag, to check out the stuff that never would've been published, not for love or money. This column is so popular, it's bigger than… Hey, that was John Lennon's line. Anyway, let's get on with it.

For the people who have never seen this column before: we get sent heaps of FMLs, each day, every day. We only publish a small amount, due to the fact that a lot have been seen before, or are simply too boring. But we also get sent really weird shit, and that's what we post here. This is a collection of the best of the worst FMLs that people have sent in to us. Check this month's selection out.
 

Se7en 

Today, I realized how much i poo when i dont have school this is my 7th time pooping FML

Class dismissed

NO one is there in the classroom and I’m Daddy are the don’t so show off their own project management of ill send a message for my I was going TO be afraid that what you have a bed like the number I’m thinking of ill give you a million dollars in the classroom

Do you like worms?

Today, things got freaky with my girlfriend, no not freaky bed freaky. Freaky as in she tried shoving worms up my anus. FML

Oh, and by the way…

I’m a broke ass N***A. It took me sex fucking months to make $1500. I bought a $1500 car cash from some HOOD RAT off craigslist…. i drove it to work…6 hours later it DIED. THE PIECE OF SHIT GAVE OUT AFTER 6 HOURS…. and the mechanics don’t know whats wrong with it. my girl bit my dick off. FML
 

Voom

my friend just voomed into my google screen, i have an hp laptop fml.
 

The crying game

Today I fell on A stomp and hit my head on the Punic table in front of middle schoolers so I cried
 

Meanwhile…

my toddler shat on my face it sprfayed everywherethen it passed jizz. i then left my house and got ran ovcer by my brotrher he then got a glock 16 and shot me in both balls . FML
 

No warnings

You see, I sometimes like to dress up like a bafoon on random occasions and I give no warnings, and so, my family had some friends over, that some I thought were cute. I dressed up like a black lady with terrible makeup, in a choir outfit. Then turned on the lights. They don’t look at me the same.
 

Shapes

Today, the saliva that dried at the side of my mouth formed into a penis. FML
 

Nuts

Today, i performed annul on a squrriel

 

That's it for this month. We'll be back in October some time with a some more weird-ass FMLs, because there's plenty more in the vaults. You can probably see some yourself by using the "Moderate the FMLs" feature on our website/app. As usual, these all have been collected from the website right from the very start, so don't bother trying to send in your own weird FMLs to try and get them published here, it won't work. Take care!
 

 

Bonus track: An important question.
 

Who is that guy?

Today, who the fuck is Charles. FML

#1544 - About FMyLife - On 09/21/2015 at 5:21am by Alan - 53 comments

Auntie Bernie's Monthly Advice #1

Hi there, young people! I'm back for the first installment of the monthly version of my no-bullshit advice column. You young people certainly have too much time on your hands, judging by the amount of dross you've sent me. Yes, I've ready your puny little messages, and boy, am I miserable now. But never fear, I'm here to cure you through the power of straight-talking, no-nonsense words of wisdom. I'm a bit like Gandhi, doling out simple philosophical nuggets to an ungrateful world. Anyway, time for me to strap on a pencil, and get started on this week's selection of questions.

The basic idea: At the beginning of the summer, I asked those of you with trouble and strife in their life to write in so that I could give you advice. My advice is based on a very simple method, revolving around me getting slightly drunk on whisky and shouting at what I'm reading. The mind boggles at the amount of pity parties you people throw yourselves. Get up off the floor, do something positive about your lives, everybody walk the dinosaur. At least you've not sunk to the level of people who believe in Feng Shui or homeopathy, or other alternative bullcrap. You're here for some stern words and a good talking to. Good.


(The tinfoil based therapies are very popular amongst chemtrail-believing nutjobs)


So, I've poured through your messages. Yes, I also got a few "oh look, I'm so funny-type messages. Just check out the guy who is featured in picture part of this article. But other than them twits, I found a few subjects to have a crack at, and I've written out my replies, hoping I'll be able to help. Please bear in mind that everyone featured on this page is a willing participant, and knows what they are getting into.
 

How to do it


Our first question of the week is from XBurytheCastleX :

"Dear aunt Bernie, I am a lesbian and my girlfriend and I have been together for almost 8 months. I'm not sure how to proceed with sex. I've done research etc etc and I can't figure out what to do. Please help??"

Interesting question. I used to be involved in a threesome with two cheerleaders in Texas. I can't say which ones for legal reasons, or even confirm or deny that it actually happened, but let's just say I was hoisted in the air several times that night. I'd never been with a woman in the Biblical sense (even though the Bible seems to frown upon people having fun in that way), but that night was a revelation. Yes, that's a Bible pun. So if I could learn in a night how to scissor with two supple, sporty Texan girls, how come you can't work it out after 8 months? Are you what parents call "special"? It's not really that hard, you just have to go with the flow. Unless she's demanding really weird stuff, like… Let's not go into that right now. I mean, you do know what the female body likes, seeing as you've got one yourself. Just do to her what you like having done to you. It's not rocket surgery. Jeez, do you want me to show you how to finger a bowling ball as well?
 

Starman


warrenhoward42 needs advice about a girl:

"So there's this girl, I'd rip a star out of the sky for her if I could, we talk every day but I can't seem to figure out if she feels the same way about me as I do her. I have gone down this road twice before, but this time she's acting way more involved with me. Thoughts? Advice??"

Anyone who starts a sentence with "So..." is already in my bad books! What is wrong with you people? Are you trying to sound like crap stand-up comedians? "Sooooo, what's the deal with airline food?" I'll let that slide for now, but then you say you want to rip a star out of the sky for some broad, and I'm not really happy about that. I get the tacky sentimentality behind the statement, but come on. What's she going to do with a luminous sphere of plasma held together by its own gravity? If you ripped the Sun out of the sky, everything on the planet would die. Is that what you want? To make everyone die? You vicious bastard. Anyway, you can't figure out if she'd commit mass genocide for you too, and that's a shame. But it also one of the toughest things to work out, along with the whereabouts of the TV remote. The best way to find out is just say what you feel. There's no point dilly dallying around, waiting for her to make the first move. Just get on with it. Ask her out. She'll always find a way of making things clear, ie. saying "As friends... right?" If she doesn't, suggest going back to your place to have some hot chocolate and watch Ghostbusters 2 on VHS. That line always works on me. Then you'll know.
 

Is this thing on?


Another long question, this time from TallMist:

"OK, first, I just want to say I'm not exactly sure if this is where I should send in my message. I'm just going to try it out anyways and hope for the best. Anyways, I had this friend of many years. I considered him one of my best friends. One of my only ones, no less. He was a fantastic friend. We'd always laugh together, watch movies on Netflix, he'd support me and, the few times he'd tell me about his problems, I'd support him. Or, I try to, anyways. But one thing he couldn't just support me on was the idea of gay marriage. See, I'm bisexual as well as transgender. And, despite my friend being a Mormon, he said he was completely accepting of the LGBT and supportive of gay marriage. But then a few months later, we watched a movie on Netflix about the LGBT and he said how he was beginning to be uncertain of his support. This is when things were getting shaky. This is also during a time period where NONE of my other few friends were talking to me, so I considered him my only friend at the time. Keep in mind we were only pen pals, though that didn't stop us from being close friends. We pretty much knew most things about each other. Anyways, he told me that, by Friday that week, or I believe it was Friday, that he wasn't sure if he'd be able to support the idea of gay marriage. So we got into a little fight about how on Earth his church could convince him that love was wrong, that God would be against love, him telling me how I should respect his beliefs, etc. And, while I wound up apologizing, I got depressed. He knew I only had him. I told him before how everyone else cut contact with me. Yet, he'd still refuse to apologize for telling his friend, who had no other friends, that she shouldn't be allowed to get married. So I got depressed for a few days. Who wouldn't? I've got no one as a friend except someone telling me that my love was weaker than everyone else's and shouldn't be allowed. And he eventually told me he had enough and that once I was stronger and not as depressed, he'd talk to me again. So, my last friend just cut off all ties with me. I tried Skyping him, e-mailing him, etc. trying to talk to him again, but he'd refuse to ever reply. And he still is, after I got some of my other friends back, apologized for anything mean I may have said or anything that may have offended him, told him I'd talk with the LDS, which he has been trying to get me to do for so long, even crossing my own line and telling him I'd be willing to agree to disagree on the matter, which he has been asking me to do. A week or two later, I even told him how I wasn't depressed anymore over anything, which was true. I have met literally all of his conditions and even went beyond them to get him to talk to me again AND MORE and he STILL isn't talking to me. I've told him I was done with him and he can talk with me when he decides he wants to keep his promise, acting like I was really, truly detached from him now, but the thing is? I still miss him. So much. It saddens me how easy it was for him to throw our friendship away, even willing to cross HIS line and lie about talking to me again just so he wouldn't talk to me. I got no idea how to go about this. Should I just wait around and hope for him to talk to me? Should I try contacting him again?"

No.


Mr Perfect


A classic from Kneejerker

"How do I get over a girlfriend that broke it off through text??"

Stop thinking about her, you idiot. Someone who breaks up with you via SMS is mean and isn't a very brave person. I'm guessing that you feel the itch to send her a message, whether an insult, or a message begging her to get back together. But you're only doing this to get a reaction, good or bad. Don't do it. The best policy is to grow a pair of gonads and respect yourself. Ignore her. Tell her to fuck off if you meet her in the street. Poison her plants. Call her parents to tell them that she deals drugs out the back of her car. Only kidding. Delete her number. Eat your feelings, gain 30 pounds like I did when I broke up with Jerry Garcia of the Grateful Dead. Pretend that she's dead. She might as well be dead, go on, imagine that she is. In a few months, or maybe years depending on how long you were together, you'll have moved on. But don't be a twunt and send her begging or insulting messages, it's the worst thing you could do. Otherwise I'll come round and belt you round the earhole, got it?
 

The Graduate


Last question from Novadi, who is feeling neighbourly

"Hi Auntie! I'm a 17 year old going into my second year of college. I really want to major in Astrophysics, but my dad is trying to force me into a medical program. Is there anything I can do to be supported financially and still get the future I want? Thank you!?"

You're old enough to make your decisions, young person. Parents can be a real pain in the backside sometimes. They think they know what's best for you, but they don't. Most of their advice is based on bad decisions they made in the past. They say they want the best for you, but sometimes their opinion of what's best is just that, an opinion. It doesn't make it fact. So tell your dad to shove his medical career up his ass, he'll have to get free Vicodin from someone else. As for financial support, if your parents are paying for everything, that's great, but it still doesn't mean they get to decide what's best and plan out your whole life. If they're not, well, get a job, wash cars, spin round a pole, make dresses for cats. There's a wealth of opportunity out there, so just get on with it and tell dad to fuck off, otherwise you'll fuck his shit up.
 

There, that'll do for this month. As I've said, if you wrote to me and you're a bit saddened to see that you weren't featured in this month's column, don't despair! You might appear next month. If you want to write to me to appear in the near future, my profile is here, or click on my message in the comments under the article. 


Who are you? Who who?
 

This is last part of the column: the profile pic. The people who wrote to me also have faces. I don't mean the people who cheat by using pictures stolen from Instagram accounts belonging to pretty people (when in doubt: reverse image search on Google) and who lie and claim "Yes, that's me in the photo!", I'm talking about the people who are brave (or stupid) enough to put their real face on FML, and who have agreed to appear here.

This week, we're taking a look at notcarwyn. This person has sort of agreed to be here. I'm actually getting some revenge because he sent me a message that said "Repeatedly spamming the fuck button so I'm fucking Auntie Bernie." Charming, right? He added underneath, "Please don't put this in the article." Too late. That sort of thing gets an automatic black spot in my list of rude people, so I put his picture up, for a laugh. He probably shouldn't be on FML, he looks about 12. Nice bathroom tiles, though. And what the hell is he wearing? What is that, a sweater, a t-shirt? The colors are all over place. Too much green. And wind your eyebrows in, son. At least he's not staring at himself in his phone. Can't stand pictures of people in front of a mirror staring into their phone. But still, he's looking harmless enough, and definitely gormless. Do people at school beat you up a lot? Can I beat you up? Stop smirking!
 

That's my second column over with. I hope you don't mind if I leave you in peace now, it's time for my medication. Don't hesitate to write to me if you need help seeing the light and/or need advice on how to lead your love life. I'll try and help out, in my own special way. Take care, young people everywhere.

Auntie Bernie is dressed by Bénédicte of Bloutouf

#1543 - About FMyLife - On 09/18/2015 at 9:45am by Auntie Bernie - 30 comments

FML Pics is like FML, with pics. Duh.

They say that a picture is worth a thousand words. Well, we said that last time. But it still stands true, especially since the FML Pics app is quite the hit amongst FML users! Since it was launched, a whole bunch of you lovely people have downloaded it and uploaded quite a few pictures. That's what FML Pics is all : it's an FML app, only with pictures instead of words. This article is a chance to check out the best of what we've been sent.

So, what's been going on since FML Pics was last featured? People have been taking more and more pictures with the app, editing them, adding the FML logo, text, writing captions, voting and commenting on each other's pics… Just like the FML app. Which is not surprising, because we made both.

Last time, we had a hit parade of our favourite user submissions so far. We've created what we called the FML Pics Top 4 Best Pics! Last time, we mentioned that a Top 4 was weird. So, this time, it's still a Top 4. Because FML is weird, and wonderful. So here goes the Top 4, and each picture features the user's caption underneath.

 

#4: The angry note

"I had my truck dropped off today"

 

#3: The washing machine incident

"Down comforter ripped open in the washing machine.
On a positive note, now I can finish that chicken costume
I've been working on..."

 

#2: Dogs vs Furniture

"Wonder who made this mess. Definitely not
the guilty-looking dog"

 

#1: The pigeon

"Pigeon laid an egg in my lap"

 

Now, what should you do? Get the FML Pics app for your iPhone or iPad by clicking on the icon below, and join in. It's free of course, it's easy to use and we're here for any questions you may have.


DOWNLOAD FML PIC
S

We'll be posting more Top 4 pics in due time, so get snapping, you may be featured soon.

#1542 - About FMyLife - On 09/17/2015 at 9:51am by Alan - 9 comments

FML's Question Time #4: Horoscopes, science or witchcraft?

It's time once again to get argumentative. Here's belated new attempt at giving you folks a chance to give your opinion on something we pulled out of a hat. Subjects will come and go, but we'll never discuss anything too serious, like diseases or how the hell people still go to Nickelback shows. We want to hear what you have to say about the chosen topic, since it's something everyone seems to have an opinion on.

To sum up the idea behind this column:  we ask you a question every month or so, and all you'll have to do is give your opinion, back it up with facts, stories or something you overheard while getting your private parts waxed in a beauty salon run by a guy in a raincoat. What we are looking for are debates, exchanges and comments. There are no limits, feel free to express yourselves and get stuck in.

This month's QOTM: 


Can the stars and planets actually influence our life? 
Or are some of us simply gullible nitwits?


To get the ball rolling, we've asked a few people to speak their brains.

"The only astral body I'm interested in is the Death Star. It's down the mechanics' having its tires rotated at the moment, but it's still my number one star." - Darth Vador

"Did you really just ask me that? Astrology and horoscopes are so intensely bad, it's like, dude, hello, why would balls of gas in the sky have an influence on my love live. People are nuts. Did I tell you about the time I went to an ashram and learned how to read tea leaves? Now THAT'S proper science. Got any cheese?" - my neighbour, the sociology student 

"The stars don't influence me. I influence me. The stars all want me to make them a mixtape." - Kanye West


You get the general idea. Tell us how the stars that may or not be influencing us are influencing you. Have you ever believed? Do you still believe? Is the truth out there? You've seen horoscopes, maybe someone did your star chart and you were amazed how accurate it was. Give us your views, your stories, get a debate going. There's no limits on comments, so let loose. The best story will be voted by the amount of thumbs up it gets. It won't win anything. Or will it? Anyway, tell us everything, we want to hear about your life. This is FML after all.

Come on, procrastinate. Work can wait til Monday.

#1540 - About FMyLife - On 09/11/2015 at 8:06am by Alan - 88 comments

Calomiel's illustrated FML #2

The Indian summer is on its way out. The nights are getting colder. What are we going to do? I know, let's just sit around and complain! That's what most people do, isn't it? I guess there's still a bunch of places we could go to feel the heat, the stickiness of summer. Standing in the subway during rush hour. Nestling inside Chris Brown's underpants. Let's just all quit our jobs, our colleges and schools, and all move down near the Equator and set up a hippie commune, play bongos and guitars, and live in peace and beards. No one interested? Shame. Let's get to know this week's illustrator.

CALOMIEL'S ILLUSTRATED FML

"Last year, I went on a big wheel at a fair. I got really nervous and had a panic attack once we started going up in the air."

Self-portrait Calomiel by Calomiel
 


Calomiel has already been on here. Check out the illustrated FML she made for us last time. I'm going to ask her some different questions, and use the old article as a template because I'm lazy.

Her info:
Age: 17
LocationParis
Website : Her blog
Her illustrated FML: The one about the Prince


OK, let's plough on into the void. Instead of crying about the fact that the summer vacation period is ending for quite a few people as we push on into September, let's talk about our vacation, and our pets. Yes, the link is rather tenous but I'm working on a budget out of the back of a van. Calomiel is still in high school (yes, I'm just as annoyed by all this youthfulness as you are, I'm cranky and old), she's probably back in school right now. 

But what did she do during the summer ? "Well, to I think about it, I didn't do much. When the summer holidays are on the horizon, I always think that I'm going to bags of time to do all sorts of things, and then I end up procrastination. I did do a few nice things though! I went down to the south of France (it was hot, it rained, that's great, right? *whistles*)." Sounds like my summer, which was OK, but cut short due to lack of funding. I asked for a raise, but I was laughed out of the office, with the explanation that it's a global economical crisis, and that I should be glad I've got a job, "damn migrant." As you may know, I'm not french but I live here, so if there's a war, I'm a hostage. 

When it comes to summer vacations, people are split into two camps, beach bums and countryside lovers. Which is Calomiel? "I'm becoming bored of the beach, after 10 years of sand glued to my body and really dirty sea water, I've had enough. I've never really been to the countryside, but it looks nice, because I like peace and quiet and I could take photos. I'd rather visit cities on holiday abroad. I don't have the time to lounge around trying to get a tan, there's so many interesting things to see in foreign countries." 

What's your weather forecast for homecoming? "I'm sure there will be downpours, tears shed be all the kids going back to school. Bright spell will appear between 6 and 7 pm in the south of France, where the inhabitants will be much more positive about life than the people in Paris, who all like to complain about everything. So the capital will be covered with dark grey clouds during the first two weeks of September." Oi, u what mate? What's your beef with people in Paris. I've been here for over two years, but I've also lived down south, and people like to complain EVERYWHERE. Especially at my parents' house when I tell them about my money issues. "Try the lottery," yells my mother, drunk on cheap beer. No, no gambling, a fools game. 

A classic question for contributors to FML: got a personal FML, but with a vacation twist? "Let me see... yes! Once, I was exiting a bus while talking to my sister. After a few metres, I turn to look at her, all while talking, and that's when I notice a guy leaving the same bus. My sister was a way back, leaving the bus a leisurely pace, leaving me to babble at a stranger. FML" OK, we'll imaging that it happened near an international bus service, not just the morning number 65 from Thornbury to Bristol. 

Let's move on to the next part of the interview. As the illustration is about a cat, let's talk pets. Do you have one? "Yes, a cat called Filou who turned ten a few months ago! It's amazing to think that he grew up with me… I can still remember his little blue eyes when he was a kitten, and I was at primary school. He's cute, but greedy!" 

What's the worst thing that's happened to you involving an animal? "When I was about 5 years old, I was bitten by a hamster (I guess) with red eyes. I thought he was cute, you know, so I stroked his head with my finger, and the little rodent bit me!" I don't know if rodent is the right word in this context. I would've said "fucker". Is Calomiel more of a dog or a cat person? I'm guessing I know the answer to this one. "I more of a cat person. Yes, they can be very annoying, leaving hairs all over my clothes, but they're so cute. I've never had a dog, so I can't really say which of the two I prefer living with, between a cat and a dog." I wouldn't recommend living between a cat and a dog; the cat will piss off the dog, the dog will try to eat the cat and get mud everywhere.

Don't you think some people overdo it with their pets? Like, putting hats on them, etc. Shouldn't there be a law against that sort of thing? "Rhaaa I'm not sure. It can be cute when pets wear little hats, just for a photo or something like that... but when a pet owner does it everyday, putting trousers and shirts and everything, it can be excessive. It's like forcing a child to dress the way WE want it to be dressed. Cats and dogs are animals, not dolls, they can't voice an opinion. A law might be a step too far. Is there that many people doing this sort of thing? I guess the powers probably would, just to make a quick buck."

What about the people who keep snakes and spiders as pets? "I guess snakes are OK (I'm not afraid of them and besides, I'm fully Slytherin!) On the other hand, I don't really get people who choose to share their home with spiders. I hate all forms of creepy-crawlies, especially the ones that move really fast. So imagine if a spider escaped it's bowl and ends up on your bed. Ew!" I can relate, I have bedbugs and cats in my apartment at the moment, I'm going round the bend. If you have any cures for bedbugs and cats, feel free to send me a PM. I'm guessing I've reached flame-thrower level as of today.

Let's talk serious business now. NIt's the 11th of September. A solemn occasion, a festive one too, because the Ethiopian New Year. Some other things happened on this date I've been told, but I'm not sure what it was all about. There's not much written down on my calendar, so I can't quite put my finger on it. It'll come back to
 

Now it's time for Calomiel to put on her infomercial outfit. Got anything to sell, or want to promote? "Ehm... my blog. I swear there's a bunch of interesting things to see on it. A lot. A LOT. If you'd rather have a giggle in front of a comic strip, I've also got some of those (erm, you have to be a fan of crap jokes, though). And the Golden Blog Awards are nearly upon us, so I need a maximum amount of people voting for me to reach the limelight! And I promise, you'll get virtual chocolates in return <3" Let me remind you guys that her blog is here, and that it's very good. Check it out, especially if you enjoyed the illustrations on this page, and we can all send Calomiel on holiday. Last time she said that she wanted to "travel, travel and travel. But to be able to travel, you need money. And to obtain money, you have to work. And as I'm a huge procrastinator, I'm not going to be going on a long trip any time soon." So help her blog become popular, even if it's in French and you don't have a clue what some of it's about. So RT, Fav, share, do what you got to do to make this happen! Now! Do it!

 

That's it for this week, Calomiel. I think I speak for everyone when I say that you're welcome back on FML whenever you want, with another illustration! Until then, let's go off on a short weekend break to have G and Ts under a fancy umbrella in the sun. If we can find the sun. Next week will be different, maybe. Be excellent to each other, and send me free stuff, especially food and booze. Thanks!

What about you? If you think you've got talent and want to contribute to the illustrated FML, send us an email to contact@fmylife.com but only send us your blog's address and a few samples of your work. No need to create an illustrated FML straight away.

#1541 - Illustrated FML - On 09/11/2015 at 1:54am by Alan - 2 comments