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FML's Question Time #5 : Halloween - seen a ghost?

The competition is OVER! We have a winner!

We read though your stories and agreed that RoseBudx's tale was the most worthy of winning an FML book. It was well written, quite the yarn. So she'll be receiving her copy as soon as we can send it to her.

Thanks to everyone for taking part, we hope you had a great Halloween.


Halloween might be the agoraphobic pedophile's favourite night, but here on FML we're less enthusiastic. It's Halloween this 31st of October, and it's a Saturday. That means a lot of kids will be out ringing doorbells, slinging shit at porches and whining if you don't give them sugar-coated spiders. As you can see, we're not getting into the spirit of things. So, instead of being miserable bastards, we thought that we'd get really involed. You see, this part of FML is all about asking you lot a simple question, and letting you get on with it. It sparks a debate, an exchange of ideas, and sometimes an exchange of bodily fluids. No, not really. Although we can live in hope, eh? Anyway, lets get down to the nitty-gritty of scaring the life out of each other. You might even win something this time.

To sum up the idea behind this column:  we ask you a question every month or so, and all you'll have to do is give your opinion, back it up with stories or something you overheard while getting your tyres changed by a guy with a mullet. What we are looking for are debates, exchanges and comments. There are no limits, feel free to express yourselves and get stuck in.

This time around: 

Are ghosts real, or is it all a load of ectoplasm?
Tell us about your encounters with the spirit world.


The question, if it isn't that clear, is to determine whether Halloween and all the idea of ghosts, monsters and ghouls is all a figment of our imagination, or is it based in fact. A lot of these celebrations and holidays are purely commercial. It's all about the money with these things. Valentine's Day, Chrismas, Ebola... So, do you reckon all of this is true? Are ghosts real? Have you seen one? Tell us your story. 

This month, to spice things up, we're adding a prize for the best story told!

The best story wins an FML book (the winner will be evaluated on the amount of thumbs up + our totally arbitrary judgement). Tell us your scariest story. But it has to be true. Or true-ish. Make us shiver. We need to be able to tell other people at midnight on Saturday night, on Halloween nights for years to come, the tales of your encounters with the ghost of the guy who was murdered in your house, the tale of the ancient burial ground underneath your bed. You know the sort of thing. The best story will be sent a book, to celebrate the fact that you spun quite the yarn!


Like the times we did this before, to start you off, we've asked a few people what they thought about the whole thing. 

"Halloween is the only day of the year I can leave my apartment building and not be too worried I'll be mobbed by fans, because they're all wearing my crash helmet and skirt." - Darth Vador

"Halloween is just another example of the way the patriarchy is trying to impose onto women its vision of a male dominated society, I mean, come on, the movie is called The Mommy, helloooo, it's in the name, like, moms are evil, hey, where are you going, come back, I need a cup of salt." - My next-door neighbour, the sociology student

"Halloween ? I love Halloween, I get to dress up in crazy clothes. One day in the year when I just don't give a shit. I saw a ghost once, it was dancing across the ceiling, I'm guessing it was Lionel Richie, but he isn't dead so fuck knows." - Nicki Minaj

There, you get the idea. 

Don't hesistate to tell us all about the ghostly stories you've lived, the Halloween parties you've organised, or the ones you've thrown up at, your besti disguises… we'll take anything you can throw at us!

Right, time to let your opinions and experience loose. Work can wait 'til Monday, procrastinate a little.

#1552 - About FMyLife - On 10/30/2015 at 1:23am by Alan - 123 comments

The Best of the Worst #19

And we're back in October! The clocks have changed for some of us, nights are longer and earlier and our vitamin D levels are dangerously low. What we needed was of shot in the arm of some more weird FMLs, because seasonal affective disorder is due for a comeback any time soon. We've thus trawled through the FML postbag for more strange stuff to give you guys. Here's this month's selection.

For the people who have never seen this column before: we get sent heaps of FMLs, each day, every day. We only publish a few due to the fact that a lot are similar to previous FMLs, or are simply too shitty. But we also get sent really weird stories, if you can call them that, and that's what we post here. This is a collection of the best of the worst FMLs that people have sent in to us. Check this month's selection, booyakasha.

Willy Wanker 

Today,my husbband was walking down the street with his hand completely covered in melted chocolate,licking it licking it like a bafoon.

Love and marriage

so its d worst bday i ever had shudve spent it wid frendz! so my hubby promisd hell take me shopping & hell spend more tym wid me so we went out of town i waited 4 him 2 make a move(or maybe i xpected 2 much) / waited 4 him 2 surprise me. i was so pissed coz he spent 3 days gamblin &i got nuthn


Today, my little brothers goldfish died and just so happens today i also have the nastty bubbly poops, well no one told me it was in the toilet while i let loose. it looked like a proper burial to me.

Mother's Day

Today I was caught by mother while masturbating she was curiose so she rubbed the tip with her toes I enjoyed it


Today, as I was walking down the street I saw a man walking towards me with a pram he dropped a bottle so I kindly picked it up, he took this as an opportunity to pull off my strapless dress, exposing my bare ass and boobs he then shoved his baby at my boobs saying snuggle snuggle snuggle FML

Too black, too strong

Today,I got disqualified from a watermelon eating contest because im too black. I live in south Carolina over half the people in my neighborhood are black. FML

Causation or correlation?

Today, osama bin laden was killed, he deserves it but my psn account still doesent work. fml!

A real kick in the teeth

Today I got a dentition from my gym teacher for forgetting my gym gear FML


Today, my parents found out I was gay. How? I forgot to turn the fan on in the bathroom to conceal my singing in the shower. I repeatedly went, “OONTZ OONTZ OONTZ” and said in the gayest tone possible, “Ooo, your penis is marvelous.”

Up in smoke

Today, after a failed suicide attempt, i bought my first pack of cigarettes and smoked it all. FML


That's it for this month. We'll be back in late November for some more bizarre FMLs, because there's plenty more in our drawers. You can probably see some yourself by using the "Moderate the FMLs" feature on our website/app. As usual, these all have been collected from the website right from the very beginning, so don't bother trying to send in your own weird ramblings to try and get them published in here, it won't work. Take care!


Bonus track: Another important question.

Who is William?

Today, I cried about William being bald. I am a man who has plenty of hair. FWL

#1551 - About FMyLife - On 10/26/2015 at 11:15am by Alan - 58 comments

Quentin's illustrated FML

The wonderful world of the workplace in this section of FML couldn't have come at a better time. If you've been paying attention to what's been going on in the world, you'll know that things are going pretty badly. Strikes, shirts being ripped from company directors, people being laid off in their thousands. It's not the best time to be a boss or an employee. Here at FML, employees and bosses go on holiday together. The only time shirts are ripped off is when we are racing to jump in a swimming pool. This week, we're looking in a not so funky workplace situation. Follow us into the boardroom. 


"Do I have a phobia? Cheese, hahaha! I absolutely HATE the stuff!" 

Self-portrait Quentin by Quentin

This week, we’re back in France. And it's a dude talking to us! 

His info:
Age: 24
Location: Paris
Website: His blog
His illustrated FML: The one with the boss

Let’s be cost-effective for once. Well, me at least. Who is Quentin is, and what does he do? "I'm junior art director in communications agency." Hmmm, bad start. And what does he like about what he does? "I love the creative side of it. That's what amuses me all day, every day. My teachers at school wanted me to do political studies, I had the capabilities to do so, they said. Maybe I did, but I think I’d have been awfully bored by now. I love drawing for a project, it’s where I really feel at home. And that's what I miss at the same time, having more drawing time every day. " Political studies, brrrrr. Sorry, I often have this kind of reaction to anything political, it’s in my genes. Or my jeans, I’m not sure.

How did you end up here? What sort of background do you have? I’m originally from the French region of Alsace, but I left the area soon after graduating high school. I started higher education with an advertising diploma in Nancy, followed by a degree in creative advertising, still in Nancy. After which I had a year off from schools and universities of any sort. I did something else for a while, and I arrived in Paris in October 2014 to do a Masters in digital creation. I just finished the end of studies and I followed that up with a CSD at the moment." That's good stuff. At your age, I’d just finished primary school, but I was a late bloomer because I was an alcoholic and con. I still am, but hey, a drink’s a drink as the say in AA.

What’s your current news of the moment, right now, besides being on VDM? "I unveiled an animation theme a few months ago with a Parallel World theme. There are a characters from pop culture that everybody knows in it, who talk about their existential problems, so it's was a great experience, especially as I had the chance to meet an exceptional cast of actors for the overdubs! I met the "real" French voice (Terminator, Vegeta, or the Joker for exemple.) I want to thank all those great actors again for taking part. Without their contribution, this project would not have the charisma that it has today. A little more recently, my friend Cedric, already working on anime, we had another crack at working together for Carbon Kevlar (they signed the soundtrack of series for Canal+) and their Banshee clip. A totally crazy project, made reaaaaally quickly but of which we’re really pleased. This is a totally ironic video, with all the archetypes of an ego-trip clip, it’s a real caricature." And will it be on VH1 at 4am? My only real contact with music is via that medium.

And your plans, for now? “Right now, take a few days off haha! It's been nine months since I’ve been non stop on projects, sleeping 5 or 6 hours a night; I need to breathe. But I won’t be stopping long. I'll get another job if my contract is not extended or I’ll try the freelance adventure while freelancing (your orders please). I’ve got planned, still with Cedric, to do another animation, but we don’t know what yet, but it’s in the cards. I also made commitments with the people around me on various and varied projects, in short, I have a lot of things on the go!" Despite this, I will appeal to potential employers who would contact him. Don’t hesitate!

Tell us what you love about life, your passions, your hobbies, your vices, your little everyday life pleasures. “Besides drawing, films, music and having restful little beers between friends, I love doing sports, it’s like a drug to me! I don’t feel so good when I don’t go regularly. I like motorbikes too, it's been a year since I got my license. But I’ve had little opportunity to ride for the moment. When I'm home in Alsace, I like gardening, it relaxes me. I love cooking too, because I like to eat, so it goes together. And I’m surely full of vices, but I’m not about to reveal them here haha!" Yes, sometimes it is good to have a secret garden, but you can tell us about your favorite artists, including those you follow via their blogs? "I have 6 masters in the drawing world: Kim Jung Gi, Adam Hughes, Adi Granov, Lee Bermejo, Ed McGuinness and Akira Toriyama The first is a god, there is no other term, I invite you to see that what he does is proper mind-boggling. The second draws beautiful and super-heroic women like no one else. The third has breathtaking precision and realism. The fourth is a virtuoso of the line, it's just gorgeous. The fifth, I love the cartoony and exuberant style, I learned a lot from his drawing, thanks to his way of creating his characters. The last one simply allowed me to draw properly. Dragon Ball Z was an inexhaustible source of topics to copy when I was younger, it helped me tremendously. And DBZ is a cult!"

What are your inspirations? Is there someone, event or something that made you want to start drawing? "My family tells me that as soon as I could hold a pencil, I drew (that is so cliché haha). I remember I liked it very quickly. In the family, on my mum’s side, “the drawing gene” so to speak, jumps a generation every time. My great-great grandfather was an artist, my grandmother too. I'm lucky to have got this gift in turn. It’s something valuable I think."

If you had to tell your own VDM, what would it be? "It was 2 years ago, I was in a nightclub with friends. We were attending an electro DJ-Set which was really pumping I must say. And in my enthusiasm, I jumped up and down, what the amount of crowd around me, except that there was a broken bottle on the ground. Despite a rather thick sole, I planted a shard in my foot, just behind the toes. I only realised it when I got home, and it was horrible over the next few days. I had a swollen foot and walk the wound was particularly painful!” Hmmmm, sounds a lot like, "I was too drunk to feel the pain that," well done!

And finally, do you have any advice for new artists? "Probably to believe in his or her potential, because we are always in constant improvement. So must persevere and don’t let go."

I think that will do for this week! We warmly thank Quentin for his participation, it was great. We can all back to our regular lives, and enjoy the advent of winter by shivering in our boots, watching the days get shorter. Or move to Australia or something. Be excellent to each other and take care. 

What about you then? Think you have talent and want to participate in an upcoming illustrated VDM? Send us an email on, without forgetting to give us the address of your blog, or just some of your works.

#1550 - Illustrated FML - On 10/22/2015 at 11:16am by Alan - 6 comments

The FML Pics app is an FML app with pics. Go figure.

They say that a picture is worth a boring speech. Well, it's true, especially because the FML Pics app is being downloaded all over the world! The fact that no words are necessary means that the themes are universal. Everyone can empathise with the crapness of the situations depicted. A lot of us have blown a tyre on a motorway (or freeway, depending on where you are driving); a lot of us have crashed our heads through a glass window while drunk and wearing an orange traffic cone. Oh, maybe that's just us.

As last time, the FML app has been adding to its catalogue of pics. People have been taking more and more pictures with the app, editing them, adding the FML logo, text, writing captions, voting and commenting on each other's pics… Just like the FML app, but with pictures.

Last time, we had a hit parade of our favourite user submissions so far. We've created what we called the FML Pics Top 4 Best Pics! We mentioned previously that a Top 4 was weird. So, this time, it's still a Top 4. Because FML is weird and wonderful, and we don't care what people think. So here's this month's Top 4, featuring the FML Pics user's caption underneath each photo.


#4: The waffle machine

"Oiled my waffle iron twice, and it still stuck so bad it split in half."


#3: The pre-teen stoners

"What are kids into these days?"

#2: The ultra-precise schedule

"This is not cool."


#1: The cat shit extravaganza

"This is a daily occurrence and my housemates refuse to clean up after
heir cats for a week at a time"


What can you do now? Get the FML Pics app for your iPhone or iPad by clicking on the icon below of course, and then join in. It's free of course, it's easy to use and we're here for any questions you may have about it.


We'll be posting more Top 4 pics in due time, so get snapping, you may be featured soon.

#1549 - About FMyLife - On 10/21/2015 at 4:40am by Alan - 23 comments

Auntie Bernie's Monthly Advice #2

Hello again, young whippersnappers! It's time once again to plow through your letters, wiping the sweat from my brow, all while trying to avoid waving my fists at the heavens and cussing. This whole advice column is quite the task, seeing as you people are a bunch of whining lunatics. I love you all, of course. But by golly you do go on a bit. I do love reading your letters though, they take me back to the days when I too had no hair on my crotch and I didn't know how to talk to other people. You young people certainly have it bad these days, what with all this internet business, cutting you off from the real world, keeping you away from relationships, teaching you bad habits and urban legends instead of how things actually work. Good luck with all that, then. Let's get on with it.

The basic premise of this thing: You were asked to send in your problems, whether of a romantic nature or otherwise, and I'd dole out advice like Cassius Clay used to dole out punches. Trouble is, you've sent in quite a few, so I can't cater to everyone, but I'll get to you eventually. Don't get bent out of shape if you're not featured in this month's column, you might be in next month's issue. You can always seek professional help elsewhere from the bullshit alternative medicine peddlers. Some people use magnets, but speaking of being bent out of shape, try chiropractors. They can work wonders with that great "scientific theory" they base their work on. I'll just keep talking to you, no touching.

Some chiropractors have a hard time noticing that a patient is deceased

I've looked at your messages. I did get a few more I'm so funny-type messages, but I found a few messages to use for this month, and I've written out my replies, hoping I'll be able to help to authors/sufferers. Please bear in mind that everyone featured on this page is a willing participant, and understands what they are getting into.

Cute guy you guys

Our first question of the week is from Amazebears:

"I'm currently in my first year of high school. And there is this guy that is in 2 of my classes and I think he's pretty cute and I think I may like him. How would I be able to tell him?? Please help me!!?"

A classic question, and quite tedious. First year of high school and you still haven't worked it out? What is wrong with you? Just follow him around EVERYWHERE. Never speak to him, just remain in the near distance, always staring, with a creepy smile on your face. It's a 100% guaranteed to work method to seduce someone. OF COURSE IT'S NOT. Come on, you know these things, it's in books, movies, songs and TV shows. Just talk to guy. He's a human being, just like you. If there's a spark, you'll both feel it. You just need to grow a pair of ladyballs and get on with it.


tassiatessa needs advice about a girl:

"Hello, so I have a problem. My father has been going to sex clubs with his girlfriend. I found this out by him posting on social media and having locations on. I really want to confront him about it but I don't know how. Please help."

In what way is this YOUR problem? So what if he's been going to sex clubs with his girlfriend? What is it with entitled kids thinking parents don't have sex lives and that their entire world should revolve around them? Let your dad enjoy himself! He's not dragging YOU to the sex clubs, is he? You can have a word about the social media aspect, yes. But if it doesn't really concern you, and you only stumbled upon the posts while snooping, mind your own beeswax. Kids think they invented sex, but remember, your dad fucked your mom. Your mom blew your dad. And she liked it.

Scripted reality

Another long question, this time from an Anon:

"Dear Auntie Bernie,
I really need help with my social skills. I've always been shy, it's always very awkward to talk to someone I don't deeply know, even with my family. I always feel like I'm on a play where everyone else knows the script but me. 
Can you please advice me??"

I used to be like you, then I realized I was wasting my time. One day, Yellowstone is going to blow, or a huge meteorite is going to slam into the planet, or both, and all life on Earth will die out. Which will be a relief, and sort of a last laugh on all the religious nuts. So if you consider that it could happen any time, pretend it's happening next week and live your life as if there were no actual consequences other than gleaning pleasure from the moment. Shyness is bullcrap. It's no fun and it's your ego being a pain in the ass. People that you are trying to talk to are just as nervous as you are in social situations, but some of us are better at hiding it than others. Forget the script, that's the worst thing you could imagine going on. It's quite the opposite, because there is no script, you get to make it up as you go along. Don't let other people write the script for you. Be an actor, not a spectator. Or something to that effect.


A classic from invadermaythe1st

"Hey Aunt Bernie!
I was curious to know if you could help me out? See, I'm a 16 year old, trying to sell my art. About 100 people have bought it, but only for a small fee. I was wondering if you had any clue on how to get my art more out there?
Thanks! xxx?"

The brilliant Josie Long said, "If your main concern in life is making a huge amounts of money, I automatically assume that there's something wrong with you sexually." Art should be considered art for its own sake. Why on earth would you consider it a career choice, something from which you derive an income? You are sullying the good name of art. Unless your art is making birthday cards or something marketable. You should be proud of what you are creating first and foremost, not trying to sell yourself like some cheap hooker on the Vegas strip. Not that I'd know anything about that, of course. Don't go looking for fame and fortune through your art, just work at your art and the rest will follow. That's what I told Max Hardcore anyway.

The posse

Last question from qwertycode, who is feeling left out

"hey auntie Bernie! so, I have this friend that's like a really good friend; she accepts me for all my flaws and she is fun to talk to and she's like the only person that understands me. I could talk to her about almost anything. however, this year she's become friends with her own art posse and that's fine but she ditches me to hang out with them. not in a rude way, more of a, "I'm gonna talk to them for a bit" way. right now we aren't really speaking because she's always surrounded by other people and doesn't make room to spend time with me. Usually I would let this slide and make new friends but she's really the only person that I can talk to about a lot of things, and I feel like I'm bottling up my emotions because I don't have anyone to talk to about it anymore. my parents and I can never communicate with each other without ending in frustration and I've tried talking to my other friends but they just don't understand or know how to empathize with me. and I'd feel uncomfortable talking face to face about my issues with some random "trusted" adult. advice?"

Yes, I think you summed it up perfectly in the first sentence when you said "I have this friend that's LIKE a really good friend." She's like a friend, but not really one. People grow apart, they move on, they leave you. Dogs don't do that, they stay loyal. This person has found a new bunch of assholes she wants to impress, sounds like typical college bullshit to me. Just stop hanging around these clowns and find some new people to enjoy time with. They seem to be too far up each others' asses to notice you anyway. What's their problem? Fuck those guys, and fuck your selfish friend. She'll be back once college is over, but you'll have moved on by then. Enjoy life, college is fun, don't let the bastards grind you down!

There, that'll do for this month. As I've said, if you wrote to me and you're a bit saddened to see that you weren't featured in this month's column, don't despair! You might appear next month. If you want to write to me to appear in the near future, my profile is here, or click on my message in the comments under the article. 

Who are you? Who who?

This is last part of the column: the profile pic. The people who wrote to me also have faces. I don't mean the people who cheat by using pictures stolen from Instagram accounts belonging to other people (In doubt? Google reverse image search) and claim "That's me!", I'm talking about the people who are brave (or stupid) enough to put their real face on FML, and who have agreed to appear here.

This week, we're taking a look at johnrdz3. This guy certainly seems to think he's something else. I can't work out if he's doing this ironically or not. I hope so. I really hope it's a parody. Why else would he be taking a picture in a mirror and staring at himself in his phone? People who do that really need so time away from mirrors and phones. Why do they do it? Look into the mirror at the phone, for fuck's sake, it's not that complicated to understand! And what's with the pink bow tie and jacket? Is he in a barbershop quartet or has his mom remarried and the wedding has a bad taste theme? The jacket over the shoulder has a sort of Tony Bennett charm, but that's thrown off by the shower head in the background, which looks like it might go off at any point. And no, you can't be a model now, unless it's a model in a shop window displaying shitty suits for cheap weddings. That pink has made my eyes sort. It looks like that stuff you drink when your stomach feels bad. The raised eyebrow should only be attempted if puberty is over, and the jury isn't sure in this case. So all in all, A for effort, but come and see me in 10 years time, sweetie.






That's my second monthly column over with. I hope you liked it. Or hated it. Either way, come back next month, maybe you'll be featured if you've written to me. Maybe just write if you want to be featured as the profile picture person. Makes no difference. In any case, don't hesitate to write to me if you need help seeing the light and/or need advice on how to lead your love life. I'll try and help out, in my own special way. Take care, young twits of FML.

Auntie Bernie is dressed by Bénédicte of Bloutouf

#1548 - Special guests - On 10/16/2015 at 12:25am by Auntie Bernie - 15 comments

Mselle Risa's illustrated FML

The Artist's interview

All illustrated FMLs

FML's blog

  • FML Pics : The top 4 pics
  • They say that a picture is worth a boring bunch of words thrown at you by a corporate robot. That's true. Corporate robots are the worst. Anyway, the FML Pics app is still being downloaded all over the…

Tuesday 24 November 2015

The whole blog

FMyLife, world tour

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