Hello again, young whippersnappers! It's time once again to plow through your letters, wiping the sweat from my brow, all while trying to avoid waving my fists at the heavens and cussing. This whole advice column is quite the task, seeing as you people are a bunch of whining lunatics. I love you all, of course. But by golly you do go on a bit. I do love reading your letters though, they take me back to the days when I too had no hair on my crotch and I didn't know how to talk to other people. You young people certainly have it bad these days, what with all this internet business, cutting you off from the real world, keeping you away from relationships, teaching you bad habits and urban legends instead of how things actually work. Good luck with all that, then. Let's get on with it.
The basic premise of this thing: You were asked to send in your problems, whether of a romantic nature or otherwise, and I'd dole out advice like Cassius Clay used to dole out punches. Trouble is, you've sent in quite a few, so I can't cater to everyone, but I'll get to you eventually. Don't get bent out of shape if you're not featured in this month's column, you might be in next month's issue. You can always seek professional help elsewhere from the bullshit alternative medicine peddlers. Some people use magnets, but speaking of being bent out of shape, try chiropractors. They can work wonders with that great "scientific theory" they base their work on. I'll just keep talking to you, no touching.
Some chiropractors have a hard time noticing that a patient is deceased
I've looked at your messages. I did get a few more I'm so funny-type messages, but I found a few messages to use for this month, and I've written out my replies, hoping I'll be able to help to authors/sufferers. Please bear in mind that everyone featured on this page is a willing participant, and understands what they are getting into.
Cute guy you guys
Our first question of the week is from Amazebears:
"I'm currently in my first year of high school. And there is this guy that is in 2 of my classes and I think he's pretty cute and I think I may like him. How would I be able to tell him?? Please help me!!?"
A classic question, and quite tedious. First year of high school and you still haven't worked it out? What is wrong with you? Just follow him around EVERYWHERE. Never speak to him, just remain in the near distance, always staring, with a creepy smile on your face. It's a 100% guaranteed to work method to seduce someone. OF COURSE IT'S NOT. Come on, you know these things, it's in books, movies, songs and TV shows. Just talk to guy. He's a human being, just like you. If there's a spark, you'll both feel it. You just need to grow a pair of ladyballs and get on with it.
tassiatessa needs advice about a girl:
"Hello, so I have a problem. My father has been going to sex clubs with his girlfriend. I found this out by him posting on social media and having locations on. I really want to confront him about it but I don't know how. Please help."
In what way is this YOUR problem? So what if he's been going to sex clubs with his girlfriend? What is it with entitled kids thinking parents don't have sex lives and that their entire world should revolve around them? Let your dad enjoy himself! He's not dragging YOU to the sex clubs, is he? You can have a word about the social media aspect, yes. But if it doesn't really concern you, and you only stumbled upon the posts while snooping, mind your own beeswax. Kids think they invented sex, but remember, your dad fucked your mom. Your mom blew your dad. And she liked it.
Another long question, this time from an Anon:
"Dear Auntie Bernie,
I really need help with my social skills. I've always been shy, it's always very awkward to talk to someone I don't deeply know, even with my family. I always feel like I'm on a play where everyone else knows the script but me.
Can you please advice me??"
I used to be like you, then I realized I was wasting my time. One day, Yellowstone is going to blow, or a huge meteorite is going to slam into the planet, or both, and all life on Earth will die out. Which will be a relief, and sort of a last laugh on all the religious nuts. So if you consider that it could happen any time, pretend it's happening next week and live your life as if there were no actual consequences other than gleaning pleasure from the moment. Shyness is bullcrap. It's no fun and it's your ego being a pain in the ass. People that you are trying to talk to are just as nervous as you are in social situations, but some of us are better at hiding it than others. Forget the script, that's the worst thing you could imagine going on. It's quite the opposite, because there is no script, you get to make it up as you go along. Don't let other people write the script for you. Be an actor, not a spectator. Or something to that effect.
A classic from invadermaythe1st:
"Hey Aunt Bernie!
I was curious to know if you could help me out? See, I'm a 16 year old, trying to sell my art. About 100 people have bought it, but only for a small fee. I was wondering if you had any clue on how to get my art more out there?
The brilliant Josie Long said, "If your main concern in life is making a huge amounts of money, I automatically assume that there's something wrong with you sexually." Art should be considered art for its own sake. Why on earth would you consider it a career choice, something from which you derive an income? You are sullying the good name of art. Unless your art is making birthday cards or something marketable. You should be proud of what you are creating first and foremost, not trying to sell yourself like some cheap hooker on the Vegas strip. Not that I'd know anything about that, of course. Don't go looking for fame and fortune through your art, just work at your art and the rest will follow. That's what I told Max Hardcore anyway.
Last question from qwertycode, who is feeling left out:
"hey auntie Bernie! so, I have this friend that's like a really good friend; she accepts me for all my flaws and she is fun to talk to and she's like the only person that understands me. I could talk to her about almost anything. however, this year she's become friends with her own art posse and that's fine but she ditches me to hang out with them. not in a rude way, more of a, "I'm gonna talk to them for a bit" way. right now we aren't really speaking because she's always surrounded by other people and doesn't make room to spend time with me. Usually I would let this slide and make new friends but she's really the only person that I can talk to about a lot of things, and I feel like I'm bottling up my emotions because I don't have anyone to talk to about it anymore. my parents and I can never communicate with each other without ending in frustration and I've tried talking to my other friends but they just don't understand or know how to empathize with me. and I'd feel uncomfortable talking face to face about my issues with some random "trusted" adult. advice?"
Yes, I think you summed it up perfectly in the first sentence when you said "I have this friend that's LIKE a really good friend." She's like a friend, but not really one. People grow apart, they move on, they leave you. Dogs don't do that, they stay loyal. This person has found a new bunch of assholes she wants to impress, sounds like typical college bullshit to me. Just stop hanging around these clowns and find some new people to enjoy time with. They seem to be too far up each others' asses to notice you anyway. What's their problem? Fuck those guys, and fuck your selfish friend. She'll be back once college is over, but you'll have moved on by then. Enjoy life, college is fun, don't let the bastards grind you down!
There, that'll do for this month. As I've said, if you wrote to me and you're a bit saddened to see that you weren't featured in this month's column, don't despair! You might appear next month. If you want to write to me to appear in the near future, my profile is here, or click on my message in the comments under the article.
Who are you? Who who?
This is last part of the column: the profile pic. The people who wrote to me also have faces. I don't mean the people who cheat by using pictures stolen from Instagram accounts belonging to other people (In doubt? Google reverse image search) and claim "That's me!", I'm talking about the people who are brave (or stupid) enough to put their real face on FML, and who have agreed to appear here.
This week, we're taking a look at johnrdz3. This guy certainly seems to think he's something else. I can't work out if he's doing this ironically or not. I hope so. I really hope it's a parody. Why else would he be taking a picture in a mirror and staring at himself in his phone? People who do that really need so time away from mirrors and phones. Why do they do it? Look into the mirror at the phone, for fuck's sake, it's not that complicated to understand! And what's with the pink bow tie and jacket? Is he in a barbershop quartet or has his mom remarried and the wedding has a bad taste theme? The jacket over the shoulder has a sort of Tony Bennett charm, but that's thrown off by the shower head in the background, which looks like it might go off at any point. And no, you can't be a model now, unless it's a model in a shop window displaying shitty suits for cheap weddings. That pink has made my eyes sort. It looks like that stuff you drink when your stomach feels bad. The raised eyebrow should only be attempted if puberty is over, and the jury isn't sure in this case. So all in all, A for effort, but come and see me in 10 years time, sweetie.
That's my second monthly column over with. I hope you liked it. Or hated it. Either way, come back next month, maybe you'll be featured if you've written to me. Maybe just write if you want to be featured as the profile picture person. Makes no difference. In any case, don't hesitate to write to me if you need help seeing the light and/or need advice on how to lead your love life. I'll try and help out, in my own special way. Take care, young twits of FML.
Auntie Bernie is dressed by Bénédicte of Bloutouf