As you all know and feel in your bones, September has begun, which means that summertime fun is over for most of us. Here at FML we’ve been flooded by FASCINATING submissions about how “Today, I have to go back to skool. FML”. We’ve been getting quite a few of these, and it’s scary to see that the word “school” seems to be so hard to spell. If you can’t spell it, you definitely need it.
Anyway, to help with that post-vacation blues which makes a lot of us want to curl up into a ball and weep, here’s a collection of stories that have occurred during the summer. Maybe then we’ll be glad to be back to normal, everyday life, and not outside in the sunshine.
Speaking of sunshine, one thing we won’t miss is heat waves. Granted, not everyone lives in a place where they have heat waves, but then what sort of place is that? Don’t you guys have summer at all? What are you, Scottish?
Anyway, the heat usually means stripping off your clothes and wondering what your sweat glands are actually meant to do, because you don’t feel cool at all; you’re just a dripping mess of sticky confusion from the heat.
It also means that you are more exposed to these sorts of body malfunctions:
Today, I was reading in my apartment. Due to a heat wave and my lack of AC, I was completely naked. My cat jumped onto my lap, and as her claws dug into my stomach, I recoiled. This caused her to retreat, clawing at my nether regions in the process. My pussy mauled my pussy. FML
Today, I realised in the middle of my shift how useless my deodorant is in the stifling heat wave spreading through my country. It's no longer effective against my awful B.O., which is a problem because I'm a mascot, and my costume traps the smell inside like a portable toilet. FML
Despite the summer being synonymous with vacations for a lot of people, some of us (yes, even here at FML) still have to work during the long, summer days. Usually taking care of other people who are on holiday:
Today, I started my job at a kids summer camp. The first little girl to arrive told me to close my eyes and open my hand because she had a "surprise" for me. Yep, a dead, decomposed sparrow covered in all sorts of bugs sure is a surprise. FML
Today, it's day two of my two-month summer job on a Mediterranean cruise ship. I'm incredibly seasick, and the ship is still docked. FML
Love usually blossoms during the spring as they say, but come summer it often goes to pot due to temptation:
Today, I found out that last summer while my girlfriend worked on a Disney Cruise ship, she cheated on me with Tarzan. FML
Or other people’s meddling:
Today, my girlfriend and I were being driven home from a date by her mother. She's Jewish and I'm Catholic. Her mother was talking about how my girlfriend was going on a trip to Jerusalem that summer. She finished with, "And you can find a nice Jewish boy while you're there." FML
Not every vacation is fun though. The worst I can remember is eating some dodgy seafood in a campsite, then being awoken in my tent by the double threat of food poisoning and a massive storm overhead. These events led to me being huddled with all the other campers under the only stone building in the campsite, which unfortunately also contained the only showers/toilets. I had to hold in my guts, which were at a dangerously high PSI level, all the while sheltering from the wind, rain and flying tents. Awful.
Louis CK's take on family vacations is that, as a father, when he has packed his wife and kids into the car ready to leave and is walking from one side of the car to the driver's side, that short moment is his entire vacation. Family vacations can be some of the most boring and disappointing:
Today, I realized the only reason I was invited to go on vacation with my extended family was so I could babysit everyone's children while the adults go out and have fun. FML
Today, none of my 500 Facebook friends responded to my status about "who wants to hang out during summer holidays?" I created an imaginary person on a different account to respond and ask me to hang out with him. I had a conversation on my status, with myself. FML
Summer also means exposed flesh. Hey, I can’t help it if it’s hot and I want to walk around my apartment in just my flip-flops, you shouldn’t be staring through my window in the first place, pervy old lady across the street. And you can keep those rude notes you shoved through my letterbox, it’s supposed to be that size and colour.
Today, my parents decided that since summer is almost here, it's a great opportunity to start having nude barbecues. I found this out after walking out into the backyard, hoping to sun myself a little, only to see the living nightmare that is my parents' naked bodies. FML
But even after all that, we’d still like to go back on vacation. I myself dream of a full week off work on a beach, in somewhere like Tunisia or Morocco. I hear Syria is pretty cheap at the moment. Anyway, who wouldn’t like a week with an open bar and a beach? I know I do (hey boss, are you reading this?).
Let’s all look forward to our next vacation; doing so will help us put up with the daily slog of work, school, being human. As The Jam sang, “Watching the telly and thinking 'bout your holidays” is our entertainment until then.
In the meantime, we’re here to help put a smile on your face (but we don’t have an open bar at FML, you’ll have to pay for your own cocktails).