FML’s Anti-Valentine’s Day
"Today, I was informed that my boyfriend's mother would be joining us on our Valentine's dinner. I'm not sure if this momma's boy thing is going to work out. FML"
Go on, admit it, you hate Valentine’s Day. Even if you don’t, you do. No one needs a calendar to remember when to tell your significant other that you love them, and to buy them some shitty flowers. And if you do, you don’t deserve to be in a relationship with another human being. Try a pot plant. And if your significant other needs to be reminded to do so by a calendar, push them into a canal.
"Today, I pointed out to my boyfriend how Valentine's Day, my birthday, and our one-year anniversary were all coming up in the next few weeks. He then promptly broke up with me. FML"
The origins of the name are much disputed, some say he was a martyr, some say he was a priest who secretly married couples, and my next-door neighbour reckons he was the guy who was the captain of TV’s Love Boat (but my neighbour thinks that giving her cat her bogus homeopathy tablets will help its leg grow back, so she’s no use in a pub quiz team anyway).
Anyway, here at FML, we’ve decided Valentine’s Day should be called out for what it really is: a celebration of the tacky side of love, the gaudy holiday for couples to prance about in front of single losers and rub everyone else’s nose in their lurve. Yeah, we’re not buying it.
"Today, for Valentine's Day, my boyfriend gave me the half-eaten chocolate bar that I left in his fridge two weeks ago. FML"
I know what you’re thinking: this guy’s a single loser, he’s bitter, he’s writing this because he’s angry about having to spend Valentine’s Day on his own watching Golden Girls reruns, yadda yadda yadda. You’re wrong. I’ll be watching The West Wing for the 56th time. I’ve got my whole evening planned out, but at least my plans aren’t as sad as this one:
"Today, I arranged to have some flowers delivered at work for Valentine's Day so that my colleagues will think someone likes me. FML"
Some gifts are pretty awful too:
"Today, my grandma sent me a Valentine's Day card. For years she's been hinting at me to lose weight. The card: a picture of cookies on the front and a gym membership inside. FML"
Or reasons for lack of gifts:
"Today, my boyfriend of 6 months told me he was not going to celebrate Valentine's Day because it was a 'capitalistic consumerism holiday'. He works in a bank and helps 'capitalism consumerism' 364 days a year. FML"
However, we strive to be open-minded, despite the bitterness. So I’m going to say that I do wish you a wonderful Valentine’s Day with your loved one. Or ones, if you’re into that sort of thing. As Woody Allen once said, “Sex between two people is a beautiful thing - between five, it's fantastic.”