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FML, the follow-up

Spicy details and delicious explanations are on this section’s menu, which contains hundreds of stories commented on by their original posters. The people who share their mishaps return to bring you some clarifications. They tell us all about their FML, and it’s a real pleasure.

Today, I found out why my cat hasn't been coming home for regular meals. Apparently, my elderly next door neighbour has forgotten that her cat is dead and puts food out for it every morning. My cat is exploiting her by impersonating her dead cat to get better food. My cat is an asshole. FML


I agree, your life sucks (31954) - you deserved it (5173)

On 10/10/2012 at 4:43am - animals - by assholecat (woman) - Australia (Queensland)

assholecat's comment about their FML

Hey y'all, this is OP.

In regards to my post:

The elderly lady is a very close family friend of my family who still lives by herself but is being taken care of by her family. She's a lovely lady, really. I'm not worried about her stealing my cat - her dead cat and my cat look very similar. If he's bringing her joy - great! She and kitty can hang as much as they want!

To the people who seemed to hint at me not feeding my cat... if you ever saw him, you would know that he is probably the best fed cat in the whole world. He is enormous. I have perfectly good food for him to eat - which I would feed him if he turned up for meal times. I don't feed him whenever he's hungry because he's a big ol' fat cat and I don't want him getting any fatter. (He won't be getting breakfast from me anymore - when I found out that my neighbour was lovingly feeding my kitty for me in place of her own, I went and brought her some cat food.)

In regards to the "your cat is an opportunist! That's what cats are!" comments - no argument from me. As far as "don't call your cat an asshole!" comments go... my cat is an asshole: he methodically waits by her door every single morning at the same time that she routinely feeds her own cat, even though he knows (I'm sure he does, simply because the other cat isn't there) that her cat is no longer with us. My cat is both an opportunist and an asshole. And no, I don't believe that my cat can understand me when I call him an asshole.

Anywho, that's it. I'm out. Peace!

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Today, my stepdaughter called to say hello and to give me a warning: she will do whatever it takes to keep me from having a baby with her dad, including pushing me down the stairs. I'm 12 weeks pregnant, and we were going to tell her this weekend. I'm now petrified of a 10-year-old. FML


I agree, your life sucks (31436) - you deserved it (4154)

On 10/09/2012 at 6:21am - kids - by AFEmoWifey (woman) - United States (Virginia)

AFEmoWifey's comment about their FML

We bent over backwards to make her comfortable. However, I'm not letting her have a say in my baby making. I'm 23 years older than her so she needs to be more respectful.

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Today, my boyfriend discovered that if he pulls out during doggy-style and rubs my clit with the tip of his penis, he will be rewarded with a queef. He found it hilarious and tested it out 5 more times. FML


I agree, your life sucks (34389) - you deserved it (6893)

On 10/07/2012 at 6:25am - intimacy - by SoSexy (woman) - United States (California)

SoSexy's comment about their FML

Hey guys! This is the OP.
1) I honestly don't know, my boyfriend suggested we try filling up a tire with them.
2) Albeit being a bit embarrassed, it was actually quite hilarious for both of us. We're both in our 20s, but we still laugh at bodily functions, immature as that is. That, and I can't exactly see what's happening behind there.

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Today, I left the hospital after having knee surgery. While trying to find my balance on my crutches, I was holding onto the roof of the car. My mum slammed the car door shut, not noticing my hand. I can barely even bend my fingers to hold onto my crutches. FML


I agree, your life sucks (25802) - you deserved it (1602)

On 10/07/2012 at 1:43am - health - by badluckbrianna (woman) - Canada (Ontario)

badluckbrianna's comment about their FML

You know the corner of the door opening where the roof of the car meets the side of the car? I was already out of the car and facing away from the car. I started to lose my balance so I grabbed onto that corner (So I guess not really the roof of the car. Half the roof half the side of the car? I don't know what to call it and it's so hard to describe) to regain balance and adjust my crutches. My fingers were curled into the car and my palm resting on the roof. I'm pretty tall so that might be why I could do that. It's a sedan so it's short and it was the back door. Next thing I know SLAM. It still hurts to type.

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Today, I wore a dress that I bought last weekend to work, thinking how I liked it and it fitted me perfectly, until someone at work told me that I was actually wearing a nightie. FML


I agree, your life sucks (11787) - you deserved it (22003)

On 10/06/2012 at 4:58am - misc - by Valentine_Beauty (woman) - United States

Valentine_Beauty's comment about their FML

Hi yeah i know a lot of ya'll are thinking of how dumb am i to wear a nightie and not know the difference..for one thing, it was sold with other dresses and no it's not see through, it actually has an underskirt and the reason my colleague commented was due to the lacy neckline.. and i actually paired it off with a slacks and a cardigan, so no, i'm not working in a brothel though that made me LOL...people can have the silliest idea..
i'm still a bit convinced it's a dress, but nevertheless i'm not wearing it out any more.. cheers!

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Today, I came home from a three day vacation to find my psycho ex-girlfriend in my house. Even though I broke up with her six months ago, she hasn't broken up with me. It's alright though, she says she's going to forgive me and she already moved her stuff in when I was out of town. FML


I agree, your life sucks (33278) - you deserved it (2281)

On 10/06/2012 at 3:49am - love - by BusinessTurtle - United States (Iowa)

BusinessTurtle's comment about their FML

OP here, I've changed my locks and moved across town and I really don't want to hire a lawyer.

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Today, someone stole the massive pumpkin I've been painstakingly growing all year. What did they do with it? They put it in the middle of a busy intersection. FML


I agree, your life sucks (26288) - you deserved it (1919)

On 10/02/2012 at 2:48pm - misc - by dagreatpumpkin (man) - United States

dagreatpumpkin's comment about their FML

The pumpkin was for a contest. It weighed in at over 500 LBS. No-one was hurt by it being in the intersection, only vehicle damage. Cuplrits have been found and charged with Meyham, 2 counts of Grand Theft (one for the pumpkin, and one for a forklift), Criminal Trespass, and Vandalism.

Cinderella, didn't make it to the ball.

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Today, I took a pregnancy test. I was disappointed it was negative, as my fiancé and I have been together for four years and have a strong relationship. He danced with happiness when he discovered the test was negative and tried to high-five me. FML


I agree, your life sucks (14141) - you deserved it (25502)

On 09/30/2012 at 5:30am - love - by BeforeItWasCool - United Kingdom

BeforeItWasCool's comment about their FML

Wow this seems to have been misinterpreted! It was unplanned, I was entirely surprised by it. We hadn't planned on kids- if it had been positive it would have been an accident. I was just quite happy to have such a nice surprise even if it did turn out to be negative. I was quite disappointed it was negative, not because I've been secretly trying to get pregnant, but because I was pleasantly surprised. It just seems my fiancé was a little too enthusiastic about the negative result.

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Today, it's my best friend's birthday. It's also the first year I've had her gift purchased, wrapped and mailed on time. The post office lost the parcel. FML


I agree, your life sucks (22118) - you deserved it (1762)

On 09/29/2012 at 11:49pm - misc - by carine13 - Canada (Alberta)

carine13's comment about their FML

OP here! FM password retrival. lol Yeah Canada Post comes with free insurance so I got my money back.

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Today, my boyfriend thought it would be funny to spank the ferret in bed and spray me while singing the Spiderman theme song. FML


I agree, your life sucks (25955) - you deserved it (4905)

On 09/29/2012 at 5:14am - intimacy - by BabyG2222 - United States (Wisconsin)

BabyG2222's comment about their FML

OP here, Okay just want to clarify some stuff first. The term "spank the ferret" is a "nice" way of putting he was jerking off. I originally wrote "jerked off" but I guess fmylife didn't like that wording and changed it to a friendly term. So, no there wasn't an actually ferret (no animal was hurt in the making of fmylife). Okay with that done now for the background story. My boyfriend at the time loved sex (like every normal guy) and liked to do the "traditional porn ending, where the guy cums on the girls face" He liked to call it Spiderman. (I'm aware doing the Spiderman is not done that way however he didn't want to splat in his hand and throw it at me, it was a modified Spiderman). Anyways, he got this "bright" idea to wake me up this way (thinking I was find it funny and sexy at the same time, which I didn't.) And for all of you who said I should have helped him out, I was sleeping, he woke me up just before and when I turned around SPLAT he shot me in the face while singing the theme song. We broke up a month later because of an unrelated issue but needless to say I was pretty mad at him but forgave him like after a day.

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Today, my husband of five years left me for a woman ten years older than himself who lives nine hours away. He met her online two weeks ago while playing Call of Duty. FML


I agree, your life sucks (32534) - you deserved it (2502)

On 09/27/2012 at 10:14pm - love - by strawberrywine22 (woman) - United States (California)

strawberrywine22's comment about their FML

OP here :)
No, I'm NOT a terrible wife. I had a situation that caused sex to be very painful for me, so we weren't doing it very much. He got frustrated, this whore started chatting with him. I moved in with my parents, and two weeks later he ended it with her (without even meeting her in person yet) realizing that it was his sexual frustration talking. We are back together and working things out, which is easier now that I've been to the doctor and had my situation taken care of.
Thanks for the sympathy, and a big FECK OFF to the haters ;)

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Today, I walked in to my apartment to see my husband sitting there with his toes painted pink. When I asked him why, he said, "I wanted to feel pretty." This is the man who is about to be the father of my child. FML


I agree, your life sucks (20216) - you deserved it (8208)

On 09/26/2012 at 10:14pm - love - by cmc9540 (woman) - United States (New York)

cmc9540's comment about their FML

Maybe I am. They did look better than mine

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Today, one of my regulars approached me at work, arms extended for a hug. He's always in a bad mood, so I figured for once he wasn't grumpy and I enthusiastically hugged him. Turns out he was just stretching his arms. He told me I was crazy and pretty much ran out of my store. FML


I agree, your life sucks (19458) - you deserved it (5204)

On 09/24/2012 at 8:52pm - work - by MLAA (woman) - United States (California)

MLAA's comment about their FML

For all the people who think this is strange you have to understand hes been a regular at my store for 2 years. Its not like it was some random person. Hes so depressed and angry every time, so when I finally saw him for once not looking upset and like he wanted a hug I went for it. Silly mistake on my part but what can I say I always hope for the best in people. He came back today and apologized. See a friendly hug goes a long way. So you negative people need a hug.

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