Today, I woke up to my drunk mom trying to pee in the dresser...

By Anonymous

Today, I woke up to my drunk mom trying to pee in the dresser drawer of our hotel, with my clothes in it. I woke up right in time to yell at her. Pants down and all. She started denying there were even clothes in there. FML

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Walk on the wild side

And today, on Dr Phil…

Marriage doesn't solve anything

By wow. - United States - Chicago

Today, I let my sister use my phone to play music in the shower, expecting her to use the speakers I have. She used a ziplock bag with a hole in it to connect her headphones. Now I have a waterlogged phone and my sister still doesn't understand why it didn't work. FML

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By Fred - United States - Kingston

Today, I gave my friend condoms since he didn't have any and he was planning on "getting lucky." Little did I know he was planning on "getting lucky" with my sister. FML

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By chels - United States - Youngstown

Today, my boyfriend got done with Marine combat training. The first thing he asked for weren't pictures of me but pictures of his car. Missed you too babe. FML

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By will - Canada

Today, my 6-year-old son apparently decided to make a game out of clogging the toilet with toilet paper. He won, and now the whole basement is flooded. FML

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By goingtobeevicted - United Kingdom - London

Today, my new landlord and lettings agent made an illegal entry into my house. Unfortunately, at the time my boyfriend was buck naked, smoking a joint on the sofa, surrounded by the cats we aren't supposed to have. FML

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By creamed - United States

Today, the pictures from last night's party were put on Facebook. The pictures that show me getting in a drunken fight with a girl and her putting my face through the wall. FML

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By Anonymous - Belgium - Schepdaal

Today, I went to a club with my girlfriend and her buddies. An hour in, I saw her making out with a guy on the dance floor, so I confronted her. She stormed off to the bar and said something to her friend, who then came over and angrily slapped me across the face. Yeah, I'm confused too. FML

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By saraleerocha - France

Today, I was cashier at work. The line came to a stop, but there was still people there. I kept saying next, but no one moved. I finally looked over the counter where there was a lady who had been standing there the whole time. She was a midget. FML

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By - United States - Rockville Centre

Today, my girlfriend of 3 months broke up with me via text and said she was keeping the cat. I've had the cat since for seven years since she was a kitten. FML

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By mmvv - United States

Today, I found out the hard way that my boyfriend occasionally wets the bed. He's 25 and we're moving in together next month. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, it was my first day on duty as a rookie cop. Everything was going great, and even the veterans on the force were warming up to me. That is until my mother came into the station carrying a brown bag for my lunch. Written on the bag was, "Lunch for my big boy. I love you, pumpkin." FML

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By --- - Canada - Toronto

Today, during family therapy the therapist asked if I believe I'm a good parent/husband. When I said yes my two sons, my daughter and even my wife very passionately disagreed. FML

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By Nick M

Today, my 18th birthday, I woke up vomiting with a temperature of 104 degrees. After I settled back in bed with some water, my mom said, "This is how you're supposed to feel on your 21st birthday, not your 18th." FML

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By hungry - United States

Today, is the fourth day of my husband's and my new diet and exercise routine. I've already caught him eating junk food 4 times. He has lost 2 lbs and I've gained 3. FML

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By - United States - Saint Joseph

Today, I realized that my husband's preferred sexual activities not only don't require me to take off my clothes, but go much better for him when I don't. He doesn't get why this makes me self-conscious about getting naked in front of him... FML

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By NeedTea - United States

Today i stopped at Starbucks to get a tea before work and was surprised that there wasn't a line. As i was leaving the automatic door closed knocking my out of my hand. I headed back in only to discover a huge line had formed and they made me pay for the replacement that their door spilled. FML

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By therealkathl - Austria

Today, my boyfriend convinced a girl at the club to break up with her boyfriend and go home with him. She did. Now I'm single too. FML

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By Teenagegirl - Canada - Sherwood Park

Today, my mother told me it's okay to be a prostitute, as long as I make sure the clients pay a lot. FML

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By backtosquareone - Canada

Today, after weeks of therapy for severe depression, my therapist thought it would be helpful to confess my deepest problems to my friends, to prove that it was alright to trust people. I did. They laughed. Hard. FML

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By Peepants - United States - Huntsville

Today, I really had to pee during one of my college lectures. I finally worked up the nerve to leave the room while he was lecturing, and ran frantically to the bathroom. Once in there, the urge intensified to the point I couldn't hold it. I peed my pants while standing in the bathroom. FML

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By Spadiethestar - France

Today, I discovered that my cheating, stealing ex boyfriend is posting pictures of naked women having group sex, with my face photoshopped onto them. He sent those to my boss, my friends, my family, only because I refused to bail his drunken self out of jail a couple weeks ago. FML

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By gymgirl - Hong Kong

Today, I learnt that eating McDonald's, Twisties, Chocolate and popcorn, then regretting it and going to the gym is a bad idea. I discovered how far vomit, on a moving treadmill, can be thrown across a room. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I got fired from a large oil and energy service company after 5 and 1/2 months. The interview process to land the job took 8 months. My interview process was longer than my job. FML

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By FitnessFirst - Canada - Toronto

Today, I painfully watched my doctor burn a hole in my nail to drain the blood underneath. This is the prescribed treatment for the injury of hammering your thumb. FML

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By Single and wigless

Today, I was on a FaceTime call with a guy I like and my cat, out of nowhere, attacks my head and snatches my wig off. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend clearly stated that I was "useless" when on my period. FML

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By Tyrez - United States - Boulder

Today, my stepbrother's attempt at making a snack resulted in the microwave catching on fire and the everlasting smell of burnt pizza rolls. FML

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By SadGuy - United Kingdom

Today, the ex-girlfriend I'm still in love with sent me an old picture with the caption, "I miss us." She looked beautiful and happy. Too bad I'm not the guy she's kissing in the picture. FML

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By killmenow - United States

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me after a year of living together. She told me that she met someone else and wanted to move out. She moved out... but moved her things into my roommate's bedroom. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Tyler

Today, a customer at my coffee shop bitched me out because we don't sell cranberry juice. FML

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By kingwalrus - United Kingdom

Today, my siblings overpowered me and duct taped me to a chair. Helpless, I had to wait until my dad got home so he could help me. Instead, the first thing he did was reach for his camera to take a picture. FML

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By gameguy3424 - United States

Today, I went on my afternoon stroll to my local park. As I reached the park a little boy was peeing in the bushes nearby. His mother called. As I walked by, he turned, still peeing, right to me. He ended up peeing on the front of my pants and on my shoes. My house is 2 miles away from the park. FML

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By Narehs - United States

Today, I was the only cash register open at the local supermarket. I had to sell condoms and chocolate frosting to my ex. FML

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By "cowboy_gold "

Don't ignore neighbor

Today, I came back to my dorm only to find the noise of my neighbor having loud sex. I thought I was talking in my head when I said at least do it against the other wall. But, when I was leaving later, he walked by apologizing and said that he thought that I was not there, then promised to do more quietly next time. FML

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By heartbrokenl12453

Movie night

Today, my girlfriend decided that the best place to break up with me was during a movie about two couples breaking up. FML

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By ChocolateEverywhere - Australia - Melbourne

Today, while I was at work, my kids had the great idea to make chocolate milk. My husband had the great idea not to clean up the chocolate mix the kids spilled, so the floor got covered in chocolate footprints. The cat then had the great idea to step in the mix, and cover everything else in chocolate paw prints. FML

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By spougeineye1 - United States - Tacoma

Today, I realized that due to my obsession with House MD, I seem to have subconsciously developed a limp in my right leg. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/10/2020 08:08 - United Kingdom - London

Great expectations

Today, after making love to my boyfriend, I went upstairs to shower. After turning it on, I found a huge pimple on my leg and the prospect of popping it excited me more than my boyfriend ever had in bed. FML

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By h4rdy - United States

Today, I was the 10th caller on a radio show. I answered the question correctly. The DJ informed I won a free air guitar of my choosing. I yelled with excitement over the air. The DJ then instructed me how to use my new air guitar. FML

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By maxedoutidiot - United States

Today, my drunk girlfriend maxed out my credit card, on an "authentic" Jesus Christ autograph on eBay. FML

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Top comments

By RichardPencil | 30

#7829438 - Wednesday 7 August 2019 16:58

Mom: Pissed (British)
You: Pissed (American)
Your clothes: Pissed (literally)

By Mooglefox | 23

#7829442 - Wednesday 7 August 2019 17:23

Wait, who puts their clothes in a hotel’s dresser in this day and age?

COMMENTS

By RichardPencil | 30

#7829438 - Wednesday 7 August 2019 16:58

Mom: Pissed (British)
You: Pissed (American)
Your clothes: Pissed (literally)

By Mooglefox | 23

#7829442 - Wednesday 7 August 2019 17:23

Wait, who puts their clothes in a hotel’s dresser in this day and age?

Henry8cooper | 15

#7829571 - Thursday 8 August 2019 4:33

OP for one - then also me - that makes two - possibly more out there. Let me know if you're confused about other big, deep questions - I shall do my very best to spread light 😂

samomaha | 17

#7830274 - Saturday 10 August 2019 13:59

Me, my husband, most of my traveling friends - - - I don't know anyione who doesn't use the hotel's dresser.