Today, working my pizza delivery job, I got a $45 parking ticket... - FML

By nick - 18/10/2009 13:39 - Canada

Today, working my pizza delivery job, I got a $45 parking ticket for parking in a no stopping zone. I argued with the bylaw enforcement officer, but no luck. I was so pissed, I yelled at him: "You have the worst job in the world", to which he replied: " Buddy, you deliver pizza!" FML

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Business savvy

Noise

Clocked

By BadtoWorse - 23/3/2010 14:51 - United States

Today, after thinking I smelled the aroma of stale alcohol, I asked my husband, who is a recovering alcoholic, if he has been completely honest with me about all that he has been doing. Bracing myself to hear about his fall off the wagon, I instead heard a confession of adultery. FML

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By Garry - 4/3/2010 12:43 - United Kingdom

Today, I realised that my staff doesn't take me seriously. I walked in on my chef, who had just spent an hour and half a block of cheese carving cheddar goggles for himself. When I confronted him, he pulled up his t-shirt to reveal a cocktail sausage taped to his stomach. FML

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By cmolloy - 21/12/2011 14:40 - Ireland

Today, I texted a friend offering my condolences over the death of his grandfather. He hadn't been told his grandfather had died yet. FML

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By Tinkerer - 21/8/2011 06:25 - United States

Today, my stepbrother found my diary and read it. He then told my boyfriend how I had a crush on another guy, and no longer liked him, causing my boyfriend to break up with me. That diary was from the third grade. FML

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By phillij2 - 9/7/2011 00:03 - United States

Today, I got surgery on one of my hands. I opted for a local anesthetic instead of being put all the way under. I soon discovered my hand hadn't gone completely numb when the doctor started slicing into the finger that needed operating on. FML

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By Betchsadface - 13/7/2010 04:34 - United States

Today, I got bitch-slapped by a walrus at Sea Life Park. FML

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By modprobs - 3/8/2018 01:30

Perfect timing...

Today, my boyfriend, who I haven't seen in months because we live in different countries, is coming to stay with me. I've been the picture of health for months, but today I woke up with my period, a terrible cold, and tooth pain from that root canal my dentist told me I didn't need a few years ago. FML

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By nataliepaige - 19/7/2011 04:43 - Canada

Today, I fell asleep while watching an action movie. My newly installed surround sound system scared me so bad that I fell off the couch and smashed my face on our coffee table. FML

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By sammy18f - 24/2/2015 03:46 - United States - Brentwood

Today, a man asked me for directions outside of a local store. After about five minutes into the conversation, I noticed he had whipped his penis out and was stroking it. He then asked me if I liked what I saw. FML

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By anonYmous - 26/2/2017 08:00 - United States - Boca Raton

Today, I received a phone call from my 91-year-old grandpa. He was lost driving somewhere in my town. I then spent the next few hours trying to teach him how to send his location until his phone died. FML

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By Anon - 1/5/2009 14:17 - United States

Today, I had woken up very excited to celebrate my 21st birthday. I roll over in bed and ask my boyfriend if we can go out to the park to have a picnic, considering the lovely weather. He looked up at me and said, "You wish I loved you that much." He rolled back over and slept until 3 p.m. FML

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By Monsieur-Madame - 31/5/2012 20:19 - France - Courtisols

Today, I found out that my colleagues had replaced my email auto-responder with a message saying, "I'm away for two weeks in Brazil. Due to the surgery, when I return, please address me by my new name: Crystal." FML

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By Anonymous - 11/7/2009 19:22 - Canada

Today, I got a parking ticket for $150. It seems it was issued by my husband, who apparently can't remember license plate numbers. FML

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By 3,500 down - 7/5/2016 08:00 - United States - Altus

Today, my train departed over 10 minutes early. It was the last train of the day. I missed my transatlantic flight and along with it the vacation and concert I'd spent over a year saving for. FML

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By notaprossie - 3/2/2010 08:42 - South Africa

Today, I went to a dress up party. The theme was pirates and prostitutes. At the door I was handed a voucher that said: 'Thank you for dressing up. Collect your free drink at the bar.' I didn't dress up. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/5/2016 13:48 - United States - Schnecksville

Today, I found out that my "girlfriend" is only with me for free transportation. She even has my contact saved as the car emoji. FML

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By ApparentlyaPotato - 10/2/2016 05:08 - United States - Coeur D Alene

Today, I was called a "Potato" for at least the 30th time by people online for living in Idaho. I've lived here my whole life, I have yet to see a potato farm. None of these people has even left the East Coast. FML

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By Username - 13/2/2011 21:06 - United States

Today, I put up an ad on Craig's List to find a best friend. I don't know what's more pathetic: looking for a best friend online, or the ad being removed almost instantly. FML

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By jenpearl - 20/6/2015 01:06 - Australia

Today, I decided to do naked yoga in my lounge room, as I always do. Later, I found a note on my front door saying "Keep doing what you're doing". FML

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By Rory - 14/4/2012 22:19 - Canada - Toronto

Today, despite the fact that I'm really sick, my mom insisted that I come home and help babysit my cousins this weekend. When I got there, everyone else took off to do "errands," leaving me with three hyperactive, howler monkey-like children to deal with. FML

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By TomPom - 25/11/2008 06:54 - France

Today, in one of the corridors at university, I was pretending to have passionate sex with one of my lecturers to make my mates laugh. She happened to walk by just at that moment. She reminded me when my next exam is; she will be marking me. FML

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By Mike - 25/4/2011 21:39

Today, my house was robbed while I sat helplessly on the toilet with violent diarrhoea. I could hear them laughing hysterically. FML

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By sleepingonthetoilet - 28/3/2018 08:00 - United States - Birmingham

Don't let the bedbugs bite!

Today, my supervisor locked me in the women's bathroom as I was cleaning it. I heard the owner scolding him, so I waited for the door to open, thinking he got in trouble. It wasn't until I heard the front gate locking that I realized I'm staying the night in the bathroom. FML

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By crazy_mom - 1/11/2010 15:10 - United States

Today, a girl I like came over to my house because I'd promised to help her prepare for a math test. My mom thought it would be funny to put a stack of porn magazines and handcuffs on the table in my room when I went to open the door. FML

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By carsuck - 11/11/2009 05:55 - United States

Today, I woke up at 6:00 am to the sound of somebody laying on their horn outside my apartment. I ran outside to yell at them only to find out it was my car. The horn was shortcircuting. All my neighbors stood on their porch laughing as I repeatedly punched my steering wheel to make it stop. FML

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By mags - 16/2/2009 15:05 - United States

Today, I told my dad I was leaving to get some beauty sleep. He looked at me laughing and said "See you in a decade." FML

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By blow me - 7/8/2015 16:36 - Australia - Vermont

Today, I bought some pricey lipstick for a date tonight. An hour after putting it on, my lips are so swollen, I look like a blow-up sex doll. FML

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By lolreturn - 16/8/2009 18:51 - United States

Today, I grabbed the nearest plastic bag in my bedroom when my boyfriend and I left for Wal-Mart so I could return a pair of shorts. When the cashier dumped the contents of the bag onto the counter at customer service, my shorts and a used condom fell out. It was the longest return of my life. FML

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By - 10/2/2020 18:00

Chubby life

Today, I was tying my hair up when my dad rubbed my stomach and asked how his grandchild was doing. He knows I'm not pregnant and that I've been trying really hard to lose weight. FML

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By sara - 17/9/2009 21:17 - United States

Today, during gym class, my teacher insisted that everyone should relieve some stress by throwing a basketball at the wall. I wound up and hurled the thing at the wall, it bounced back and hit me in the stomach. I began to vomit uncontrollably. Even my teacher laughed. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/2/2010 14:26 - South Africa

Today, I jokingly asked my husband if he was going to make it to our first child's Christening as there was a football match on at the same time. Without hesitating, he replyed that he would just watch the recording. He meant the recording of the Christening. He was serious. FML

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By massachusettsan - 25/6/2014 00:07 - United States - Monomoy Island

Today, I got the same feeling in my chest when I orgasmed as when I hit a hard section in Guitar Hero. FML

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By Phabia - 21/4/2015 00:16 - United States - Newton

Today, I was sent to the front office for having blood shot eyes and smelling like smoke. I just didn't get enough sleep and had trouble putting my contacts in, and I always smell like smoke because of my parents' excessive smoking. They didn't believe me. My parents had to come in to back me up. FML

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By Liz - 6/2/2017 16:00 - United States - Salt Lake City

He Tried?

Today, I told my soon-to-be-ex that he never does anything for the kids, and hasn't contributed a dime. He showed up with a half a gallon of milk and a box of cereal. Not what I meant. FML

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By J-Sauce - 22/2/2016 23:32 - Canada - Salmon Arm

Today, a girl I like asked me to a concert, saying she had an extra ticket. I ended up being the third wheel with her and her boyfriend. Had to pay $60 for the ticket too. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/11/2015 13:37 - United States - Palmer

Today, my boss forced me to come into work despite having a bad cold. While waiting a table, I violently sneezed and sprayed a child's face with snot. His dad got so pissed that my boss had to pretend to fire me just to calm him down. FML

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By JerryClark - 2/2/2020 14:00 - United States - San Bernardino

So beautiful!

Today, my best female friend sent me a nude to make sure it looked good before she sent it to the guy she likes. FML

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By divineinstrument - 12/7/2009 14:46 - United Kingdom

Today, I spent hours and hours trying to figure out why the wireless internet on my laptop wasn't working, but everything I tried completely failed. At the end of the day, my older brother came home, and fixed the problem in under 10 seconds by turning the wireless internet switch on. FML

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By GreatBlakWarior - 7/9/2020 08:03 - South Africa - Pretoria

Serious times

Today, after several unsuccessful job interviews, I'm starting to feel emotionally down as both my mum and myself are out of work due to Covid. I even applied as a call centre agent with a friend that offered training. He got accepted and I didn't. FML

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By janegeorge - 12/1/2015 00:39 - Canada - Kanata

Today, a guy called me out of the blue. Apparently, he'd copied my number from a sheet we'd filled out in church. He doesn't understand why I'm "overreacting". FML

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Top comments

By FerrariCake | 2

#625828 - Sunday 18 October 2009 19:56

He's right, you do.

And now you have to deliver more pizzas to pay for your ticket.

By _Naboo_ | 0

#625835 - Sunday 18 October 2009 19:59

You should have though before you spoke,
and YDI for parking there.
You know better.

COMMENTS

By IamSpartacus | 0

#625818 - Sunday 18 October 2009 19:54

LOL, you got owned.

Reply

HahaYDI | 0

#626523 - Monday 19 October 2009 1:41

Eh, at least people are happy when pizza guys show up. No one is happy when a parking ticket guy shows up, you should have said that.

Reply

Reyo | 2

#626965 - Monday 19 October 2009 6:45

Well, buddy, you do. It's not like he lied to you. And #63 is right, so don't feel too bad.

Reply

responses | 0

#824421 - Thursday 4 February 2010 12:32

haha I agree #63

Reply

iLoveTeraaa | 0

#973670 - Saturday 3 April 2010 18:34

I  pizza

By leoofbodom | 0

#625822 - Sunday 18 October 2009 19:54

FUCK YOU

By Itasan | 0

#625826 - Sunday 18 October 2009 19:55

Lmao. Ydi

By FerrariCake | 2

#625828 - Sunday 18 October 2009 19:56

He's right, you do.

And now you have to deliver more pizzas to pay for your ticket.

By I_GET_ASS | 0

#625832 - Sunday 18 October 2009 19:58

free pizza is rad though. shoula told him that.

By _Naboo_ | 0

#625835 - Sunday 18 October 2009 19:59

You should have though before you spoke,
and YDI for parking there.
You know better.

Reply

kawaiixalice | 15

#625861 - Sunday 18 October 2009 20:10

Yeah,
practice what you preach buddy.
I THOUGHT so..

Reply

were_giraffe | 2

#625888 - Sunday 18 October 2009 20:26

I have to agree.

Delivering pizza or not ... the rules of the road and of parking still apply to you.

And then... you try to put the officer down for giving you a ticket?

Looks like the score is now Officer 2, Pizza Delivery Person 0

By pinktiger | 0

#625839 - Sunday 18 October 2009 20:01

pizza delivery guys are hot! xD

Reply

allysonnn | 0

#625981 - Sunday 18 October 2009 21:01

not all of them...

Reply

TheTragicReturn | 0

#626281 - Sunday 18 October 2009 23:15

Way to generalize.

Reply

PokeyStix | 3

#626461 - Monday 19 October 2009 1:09

That's like me saying:

Accountants are hot!

Reply

BravoUser | 0

#626866 - Monday 19 October 2009 5:34

It says it's a woman...am I wrong?

By nazooer | 11

#625846 - Sunday 18 October 2009 20:04

FIRST!! SUCK IT BITCHES

Reply

ILoveAsianGirls | 0

#625851 - Sunday 18 October 2009 20:07

fail

Reply

nazooer | 11

#625854 - Sunday 18 October 2009 20:08

ikr i wanted to be annoying like the other idiots on fml, i knew i was 7th

Reply

jazzy1432 | 0

#625877 - Sunday 18 October 2009 20:18

LOL actually 8th

Reply

nazooer | 11

#625889 - Sunday 18 October 2009 20:26

Not what it says on my screen :D

Reply

go64 | 0

#625985 - Sunday 18 October 2009 21:02

GOD: http://www.collegehumor.com/video:1907543

Reply

Monado | 0

#625990 - Sunday 18 October 2009 21:04

Stolen from XKCD

By its_love2 | 31

#625852 - Sunday 18 October 2009 20:07

hey at least most people get excited when a pizza delivery person shows up .... no one likes a bylaw enforcer (well okay unless it's for their benefit)

Reply

fili450r | 0

#625980 - Sunday 18 October 2009 21:00

lol, normally when i see a cop, it means im in trouble again...lol, my fat friend learned that fat kids cant hide behind tiny bushes, lol.

op got pwnd!!!

By FPsLife | 5

#625864 - Sunday 18 October 2009 20:11

Who calls a woman buddy?

Reply

ManUpFucker | 0

#625870 - Sunday 18 October 2009 20:13

Secret sub fml, Op looks like a man.

Reply

MikeHawke | 0

#626956 - Monday 19 October 2009 6:31

What kind of woman is called nick?