Work: Today, working my pizza delivery job, I got a $45 parking ticket... - FML

By nick - Canada

Today, working my pizza delivery job, I got a $45 parking ticket for parking in a no stopping zone. I argued with the bylaw enforcement officer, but no luck. I was so pissed, I yelled at him: "You have the worst job in the world", to which he replied: " Buddy, you deliver pizza!" FML

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Coherence dude, do you have it?

Capitalism kills

Clocked

By roo - United Kingdom

Today, I was getting a flight home. I'd worn a belt because my skirt was too big. When I walked through security, they asked me to remove my belt. My skirt fell down in front of everyone. FML

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By rammedbehind - United States

Today, I was driving to work when a state trooper rammed into my car from behind, because he was on the cell phone and not paying attention. He gave me a ticket for "Failure to control speed to avoid a crash." FML

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By GshDrnt - United States

Today, I logged on to Facebook and had 64 notifications. I thought that perhaps I was popular. But no, it was my ten year old sister, liking 64 of my pictures. FML

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By writer4life - United States

Today, I went on a date with a guy I met on-line. While cuddling on the couch, he asked me for a blow job. I refused. He said, "But I thought big girls liked doing that." FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Burlington

Today, I went to a hockey game. While warm-ups were happening, my favourite player pointed at me and tossed me a puck. It bounced off my hand into another girl's, who was a fan of the other team. She refused to give it back, then walked away and said, "I can't wait to sell this on eBay." FML

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By themcdave - United Kingdom - Cranfield

Today, I woke up early for an important team meeting I needed to attend. I washed, got changed, and sat down to eat breakfast... I then woke up again, an hour late and covered in cereal. FML

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By skollasch - United States - Highland

Today, I was told by my doctor I should start eating meat again after two years of vegetarianism, in an effort to be healthier. After horrid gas after my first turkey sandwich, I was told that my body no longer has the enzymes to digest meat. My efforts to be healthy crippled my stomach. FML

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By "ravensarepurple"

Today, I got my new cooker delivered and installed. I followed the instructions in the manual, emptied it out and turned the oven up full for 30 minutes. 20 minutes later, the inner glass shattered. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I woke up to the sound of something hitting my bedroom wall outside. I could see my boyfriend's car from the window, so I assumed he was throwing pebbles to get my attention. I opened the window and an egg flew in. FML

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By SuperBunny - United States

Today, my boyfriend decided to take me to dinner to meet his parents. As we pulled into the restaurant valet I saw a woman in a slutty dress and hooker heels get out of the car ahead of us. I jokingly asked if we had accidentally pulled into a strip club pointing to the woman. It was his mother. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I joined my grandpa on his morning jog. I didn't last 15 minutes before nearly passing out from exhaustion. He came jogging back home nearly an hour later looking even better than he did when we left. FML

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By HarvestMoon_gal - United States

Today, I was cleaning a pan. I turned the water on, and it was super hot. My reaction was to slam my hand down. On a knife. So, not only do I have a burned hand, but there's also a huge cut on it from the knife. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Cairns

Wrong place, right time

Today, a co-worker came back from his honeymoon. He passed by my office to say hi, and mentioned, "I heard you're getting married next year?" I broke up with my boyfriend yesterday. He's taking his things out of the house as I write this. FML

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By oh, good - United Kingdom - Bath

Poor Mickey

Today, my cat was looking a little peaky. After craning my neck to check for lumps under his chin, he felt this was the perfect time to throw up a half-digested mouse onto my face. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I saw a teenager knock over a woman, so I rushed over to help her up. Turns out, she had a knife and thanked me by stealing my wallet and phone. FML

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By JunkDex - Australia - Merrylands

Today, my boss thought it would be a great idea to delay paying me until after Christmas. There goes rent, bills, food and of course Christmas presents. FML

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By peniswoman - United Kingdom - Paisley

Today, my naked boyfriend walked up to me with my towel around his neck and with a hard-on, then declared he was "The Penis Man" and slapped me with his junk. I thought I was dating a man, not a man-child. FML

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By phishy - United States - Georgetown

Today, I got a call from a potential employer. Unfortunately, I couldn't understand the man due to his incoherent mumbling. I had to decline the job after asking him to repeat everything he said, over and over again. I still don't know exactly which job I declined. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my husband came home from the hospital after having 6 gangrenous toes amputated because he hasn't been treating his diabetes properly. Not half an hour after he got home, I caught him sneaking sweets from a hiding place in his toolbox. He's already lost the bag with his medication in it. Again. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Washington

Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex, when I got a sudden agonising cramp in my foot. I cried out in pain, but he didn't stop. If anything, my cries of pain seemed to spur him on. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I realized that the only things I gained from my Masters programs are more debt and the knowledge that you can use a semicolon in a list. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/4/2020 08:00

What a tool

Today, my ex-boyfriend wrote to me for the first time in years, because of the whole Covid-19 situation. Did he want to make sure I am okay? No. In fact, he didn't even ask about me. He just seemed to consider this the perfect opportunity to patronize me some more, and felt the need to tell me to "keep calm." FML

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By Creepedout - United States - Wilson

Today, an obese man decided it was okay to share a urinal with me. FML

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By 987564 - Korea Republic of

Today, I was talking to my crush about making the soccer team. Excited, he congratulated me and asked for my number. I gave him my cellphone number. He laughed and said "your jersey number". FML

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By Ew - United States - Washington

Today, I went for a three-mile run. I was really proud of myself until I woke up from my dream in my bed, surrounded by empty soda bottles and fast food bags. I haven't worked out in years. FML

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By drunkennight - Canada

Today, I woke up after a night out at the bar, immediately remembering that I had lost my cell phone, my ID and somehow spent $100. Feeling like shit already, my friend then goes on to tell me that I flashed the entire bar, and ran around the hotel naked. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I noticed I have more alcohol in my fridge than I do actual food. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/7/2020 23:00

Retail stinks

Today, a pipe leaked in the store I work at. I had to smell sordid waste for more than 8 hours. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I proposed to my boyfriend. He said yes, but is now sulking because I took away his "manhood". Jeez, sorry I didn't want to wait another 7 years for you to finally do it. FML

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By ScottishSteak

Scotland and its leccy bills

Today, I went to my local supermarket to get my electricity topped up. Problem is, 2 of the 3 cash machines weren't working. The third was, until I tried to withdraw cash, then nope. The supermarket only accepts cash for meter top ups. FML

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By couturier - France

Today, I emptied out a bottle of water onto my porch as I was going into my house. Only a couple of hours later, I decided to leave and slipped on what had turned into ice, bruised my tailbone and sprained my wrist. FML

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By David - United States - Seattle

Today, my mother-in-law moved in because she has a hip problem. I don't know what's worse, her constant complaining and slob like tendencies, or the eight cats she brought along with her. FML

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By singleagain - United States

Today, I almost got married. After the elaborate and very expensive wedding, my "husband" decided he did not want to sign the marriage license because he wasn't sure if he really wanted to settle down after all. FML

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By teardrops - Australia

Today, I got punched in the face by a girl for asking if she was okay after I had seen her crying. FML

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By Anonymous - South Africa

Today, I woke up to a blood-curdling scream from the bathroom. I jumped out of bed in panic and rushed into the bathroom, only to see my sister limping around in the nude. She'd just jumped out of the shower because someone had flushed the toilet downstairs. FML

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By ali - United States - Livingston

Today, I was having an argument with my girlfriend in front of our friends. I didn't want her to spoil my good time, so I ignored her until she disappeared. She re-appeared thirty minutes later just to throw a punch that would make Muhammad Ali jealous. Our friends' reaction? They clapped. FML

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By 3sacrowd - Canada

Today, while I was in the middle of making love with my boyfriend, I mentioned bringing another lady in the picture to spice it up. He looked at me and said "let's ask your sister." He then got dressed and called her. FML

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By wildthing - United States

Today, my mother woke me up by saying "Good morning my sexually aggressive daughter. We're going to have an extremely uncomfortable conversation today." Our awkward talk consisted of her telling me that I'm a tease and am going to get raped. Why? She caught me making out with my boyfriend. FML

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By Abyssal - United States

Today, I was making love to my wife from behind. As we both reached climax at the same time, she threw her head back in ecstasy just as I buckled forward with pleasure. We slammed our heads together, effectively ending our orgasms. FML

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By Sky

Today, since my parents always told me that I was welcome to come home whenever I want or need, I decided to stop by. They'd changed the locks and wouldn't let me in. FML

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Top comments

By FerrariCake | 2

#625828 - Sunday 18 October 2009 19:56

He's right, you do.

And now you have to deliver more pizzas to pay for your ticket.

By _Naboo_ | 0

#625835 - Sunday 18 October 2009 19:59

You should have though before you spoke,
and YDI for parking there.
You know better.

COMMENTS

By IamSpartacus | 0

#625818 - Sunday 18 October 2009 19:54

LOL, you got owned.

Reply

HahaYDI | 0

#626523 - Monday 19 October 2009 1:41

Eh, at least people are happy when pizza guys show up. No one is happy when a parking ticket guy shows up, you should have said that.

Reply

Reyo | 2

#626965 - Monday 19 October 2009 6:45

Well, buddy, you do. It's not like he lied to you. And #63 is right, so don't feel too bad.

Reply

responses | 0

#824421 - Thursday 4 February 2010 12:32

haha I agree #63

Reply

iLoveTeraaa | 0

#973670 - Saturday 3 April 2010 18:34

I  pizza

By leoofbodom | 0

#625822 - Sunday 18 October 2009 19:54

FUCK YOU

By Itasan | 0

#625826 - Sunday 18 October 2009 19:55

Lmao. Ydi

By FerrariCake | 2

#625828 - Sunday 18 October 2009 19:56

He's right, you do.

And now you have to deliver more pizzas to pay for your ticket.

By I_GET_ASS | 0

#625832 - Sunday 18 October 2009 19:58

free pizza is rad though. shoula told him that.

By _Naboo_ | 0

#625835 - Sunday 18 October 2009 19:59

You should have though before you spoke,
and YDI for parking there.
You know better.

Reply

kawaiixalice | 15

#625861 - Sunday 18 October 2009 20:10

Yeah,
practice what you preach buddy.
I THOUGHT so..

Reply

were_giraffe | 2

#625888 - Sunday 18 October 2009 20:26

I have to agree.

Delivering pizza or not ... the rules of the road and of parking still apply to you.

And then... you try to put the officer down for giving you a ticket?

Looks like the score is now Officer 2, Pizza Delivery Person 0

By pinktiger | 0

#625839 - Sunday 18 October 2009 20:01

pizza delivery guys are hot! xD

Reply

allysonnn | 0

#625981 - Sunday 18 October 2009 21:01

not all of them...

Reply

TheTragicReturn | 0

#626281 - Sunday 18 October 2009 23:15

Way to generalize.

Reply

PokeyStix | 3

#626461 - Monday 19 October 2009 1:09

That's like me saying:

Accountants are hot!

Reply

BravoUser | 0

#626866 - Monday 19 October 2009 5:34

It says it's a woman...am I wrong?

By nazooer | 11

#625846 - Sunday 18 October 2009 20:04

FIRST!! SUCK IT BITCHES

Reply

ILoveAsianGirls | 0

#625851 - Sunday 18 October 2009 20:07

fail

Reply

nazooer | 11

#625854 - Sunday 18 October 2009 20:08

ikr i wanted to be annoying like the other idiots on fml, i knew i was 7th

Reply

jazzy1432 | 0

#625877 - Sunday 18 October 2009 20:18

LOL actually 8th

Reply

nazooer | 11

#625889 - Sunday 18 October 2009 20:26

Not what it says on my screen :D

Reply

go64 | 0

#625985 - Sunday 18 October 2009 21:02

GOD: http://www.collegehumor.com/video:1907543

Reply

Monado | 0

#625990 - Sunday 18 October 2009 21:04

Stolen from XKCD

By its_love2 | 31

#625852 - Sunday 18 October 2009 20:07

hey at least most people get excited when a pizza delivery person shows up .... no one likes a bylaw enforcer (well okay unless it's for their benefit)

Reply

fili450r | 0

#625980 - Sunday 18 October 2009 21:00

lol, normally when i see a cop, it means im in trouble again...lol, my fat friend learned that fat kids cant hide behind tiny bushes, lol.

op got pwnd!!!

By FPsLife | 5

#625864 - Sunday 18 October 2009 20:11

Who calls a woman buddy?

Reply

ManUpFucker | 0

#625870 - Sunday 18 October 2009 20:13

Secret sub fml, Op looks like a man.

Reply

MikeHawke | 0

#626956 - Monday 19 October 2009 6:31

What kind of woman is called nick?