Work: Today, working my pizza delivery job, I got a $45 parking ticket... - FML

By nick - Canada

Today, working my pizza delivery job, I got a $45 parking ticket for parking in a no stopping zone. I argued with the bylaw enforcement officer, but no luck. I was so pissed, I yelled at him: "You have the worst job in the world", to which he replied: " Buddy, you deliver pizza!" FML

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Commando

Vulture

Mystery message service

By poor excuse for a father

Today, my wife is out of the country so my daughter asked me for help. She'd tried waxing her "private bits" but it hurt too much so she left the strip stuck down there for nearly two days. I was so unable to handle the situation, I called my wife crying and begging her to come home and deal with it. FML

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By missedout - United States - York

Today, while my mother-in-law visited, I asked if she wouldn't mind watching my son for 10 minutes as I had run out of baby shampoo. I came back home to see she had shaved his head completely bald. That was his very first haircut. FML

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By Faaccckkk - United States

Today, my boyfriend tried to whimsically serenade me by throwing rocks at my apartment window and singing. He got the wrong window. Another guy answered, and now he thinks I'm cheating on him. FML

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By Average - United States

Today, I was chosen as King for our winter formal. Even after I won, nobody wanted to dance with me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I lost my phone. On the bright side, someone found it. On the downside, they won't give it back. FML

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By fuckingdieyouoldhag - United States

Today, I was taking a selfie. My grandma saw me, then after smirking to herself, she went and told my parents that I was "doing that sexting thing". They believed her and grounded me, even after I showed that all my photos and sent messages were totally innocent. FML

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By Sarah

Today, I had the mole on my neck removed. By my pet bird. FML

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By crushedsoul - United States - Baltimore

Today, I attended my school's special invitation-only awards ceremony, relieved that I was getting a much-needed scholarship. I watched all my friends go up and win scholarships. In the end, I only got a certificate for doing well on the PSAT. My whole family showed up for this. FML

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By fatty - United States - Madison

Today, I was chatting with the cute new receptionist at the gym. I told her that I would be going there more if she was there. She looked me up and down and said that I should go regardless. FML

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By Morgan - 12/9/2020 23:01 - United States

Badass over here

Today, my sister burned herself on purpose with a curling iron. Why? She thought it would be cool to have a scar that "tells a story." My sister is 22. FML

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By Bob - United States

Today, while teaching at a daycare, a child came up to me and asked if he could go to the bathroom. Obviously, I said it was fine. He then pulled his pants down, and pee on my brand new shoes, and all over my leg. FML

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By woxliuke - Lithuania - Vilnius

Today, my boyfriend and I went for a ride on bicycles. After a while, I couldn't see him ahead of me any more. I went back and forth for half an hour but could't find him, and started to think something happened. I went home to call him but saw his bike. Turns out my boyfriend is just an asshole. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I met my boyfriends mother for the first time and hoped to make a good first impression. When I tried to say 'Hello', a loud rippling burp comes up from my throat. And not only that. A small chunk of mucus flies out and lands on the floor between us. So much for a good first impression. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I stepped away from my desk for a few minutes only to return to find the general manager installing updates on my computer. This wouldn't have been an issue had I not pulled up a website explaining in great detail the effects and causes of vaginal yeast infections. FML

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By Shoe - United States

Today, my boss told me he suspected his wife was cheating on him. I told him to pull up her Facebook page to look for suspicious activity. I looked at her profile picture and said, "Damn, that girl next to her fine! You know her?" It was his sixteen year old daughter. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while I was driving, a police officer jumped out from the sidewalk and into my lane. I slammed on the brakes so I wouldn't hit him. He then gave me a ticket for "obstructing traffic". FML

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By Why - United States - San Francisco

Today, I had to create another signature. I have to use one at the bank and the other around my mother, so that when she tries to cash my paychecks the bank won't let her. FML

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By jazthefish - United States

Today, I drew a face on a balloon and pretended to make out with it. The balloon popped and shot to the back of my throat, where it got caught. FML

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By jsyn - United States - East Hampton

Today, somebody broke into my car, just to steal the obviously fake $1,000,000 bill hanging from my rear-view mirror. FML

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By AloneAtPerkins - 18/11/2020 13:02 - United States - West Bend

Tree trunks

Today, I shaved my legs. It's been so long since I've shaved that my razor broke. FML

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By Sherry - United States - Middletown

Today, my brother had a party with over 60 people in my basement. It turns out that five different couples had sex under the same comforter. The comforter was mine. FML

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By Kristopher - United States

Today, I moved into my aunt's house. She had a little too much fun in the sixties and now tells everyone about her many imagined conquests, including her church minister and several has-been celebrities. As a plus, I discovered she has a habit of wandering around the house in the nude. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, after driving a few hours late at night I decided to entertain the car tailgating me by not letting him pass. After doing this for 3miles, reaching 93MPH, I decided to let the car pass me. When I switched lanes, the car tailgating me light up in red and blue. It was a cop. FML

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By Brodam - 17/9/2020 14:01 - United States - Scotch Plains

Priorities

Today, we began our honeymoon with a Yellowstone Park hike. Wildfires took hold at both ends of the park. We lost all cell service. Her parents and my mom worried, texted and called. My dad just logged into my Fantasy Football team to pick up a running back in this week's waiver wire. FML

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By Deety

Today, my psychologist broke up with me, professionally. It's alright though, she told me it's her, not me. FML

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By feckingnasty

Today, I watched my husband pick his dead foot skin and say, "That's a keeper!" before putting it in his mouth. FML

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By IBleedArbor - United States

Realistic

Today, my dad told me to take my stress out by getting a girlfriend. My mom laughed and said, "No that won't work, just go jack off in the shower again." FML

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By ks.swan13

Today, I got a call about my dog who went missing a week ago. The guy who called said "We have your dog, but you aren't getting her back." Then he hung up. FML

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By gatorhead - United States

Today, while eating lunch, one of my friends told a joke that made everyone at the table laugh. Apparently, the guy standing behind me overheard and was laughing too. So much in fact that he spewed the red Gatorade he was drinking all over the back of my white shirt and hair. FML

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By Tomtom - France

Today, I put on the same jeans that I had left in a bundle in my bedroom the day before. A few hours later, my boxer shorts decided to make their spectacular reappearance trick at the bottom of my leg in the middle of one of my meetings. FML

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By welp - United States - Belton

Today, I was making a homemade pizza for myself. I've been unhappy lately, so I arranged the pepperoni in the shape of a smiley face to cheer myself up. The pizza burned. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Silver Spring

Apple juice, motherfucker

Today, at daycare, a little girl cussed me out because I didn't have any apple juice left. When I called her parents, they sided with her and cussed me out too. My boss refused to sympathize, and reprimanded me for not making sure we still had apple juice. FML

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By Her - Canada - Montr?al

Today, the guy I've been dating for 3 months told me he doesn't know how he feels about me because he's not excited when we meet and doesn't miss me when we don't text for a while. He decides to tell me this while we're laying in bed right after having sex for the first time. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/5/2021 00:00

Hello little guy

Today, I put my house shoes on without socks, but felt a rock in them. I shook it free and out dropped a half-crushed roach. FML

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By Unknown - United States - Cincinnati

Today, I learned to never invite my father to a wedding. He'll show up late, complain about the food, piss on a tree, and leave. FML

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By Anonymous

You idiot!

Today, I didn't want to hang out with my girlfriend so I could binge watch Pawn Stars instead. When she asked me why not, I lied not very convincingly and said my mom was sick and needed my help. She now thinks I'm cheating on her. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Grandville

Today, I heard from my dad for the first time in over six months. It was through Facebook, in a message blaming my brothers and me for his horrible life, and in which he spelled my name wrong. FML

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By Criminal - United States

Today, I got a speeding ticket. I wrote a check, and on the way to deposit my fine, I got another one. I put both fines in a box down town, and I turned around to see a cop putting a parking ticket under my wind-shield wiper. FML

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By karina17 - Canada

Today, my dad was supposed to come see me for our twice-a-year visit. He was 3 hours late. So I called, and asked him why he was late - he said 'Oh, something came up'. I asked him what was so important. Apparently, the garage needed cleaning. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I opened some small cute birthday gifts at my boyfriend's house. As we left to go out, he slipped me a Tiffany box and said he wanted me to open it in private. Flushed and excited, I open it to find a ziploc filled with hair. It was his mustache I had been begging him to shave for months. FML

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Top comments

By FerrariCake | 2

#625828 - Sunday 18 October 2009 19:56

He's right, you do.

And now you have to deliver more pizzas to pay for your ticket.

By _Naboo_ | 0

#625835 - Sunday 18 October 2009 19:59

You should have though before you spoke,
and YDI for parking there.
You know better.

COMMENTS

By IamSpartacus | 0

#625818 - Sunday 18 October 2009 19:54

LOL, you got owned.

Reply

HahaYDI | 0

#626523 - Monday 19 October 2009 1:41

Eh, at least people are happy when pizza guys show up. No one is happy when a parking ticket guy shows up, you should have said that.

Reply

Reyo | 2

#626965 - Monday 19 October 2009 6:45

Well, buddy, you do. It's not like he lied to you. And #63 is right, so don't feel too bad.

Reply

responses | 0

#824421 - Thursday 4 February 2010 12:32

haha I agree #63

Reply

iLoveTeraaa | 0

#973670 - Saturday 3 April 2010 18:34

I  pizza

By leoofbodom | 0

#625822 - Sunday 18 October 2009 19:54

FUCK YOU

By Itasan | 0

#625826 - Sunday 18 October 2009 19:55

Lmao. Ydi

By FerrariCake | 2

#625828 - Sunday 18 October 2009 19:56

He's right, you do.

And now you have to deliver more pizzas to pay for your ticket.

By I_GET_ASS | 0

#625832 - Sunday 18 October 2009 19:58

free pizza is rad though. shoula told him that.

By _Naboo_ | 0

#625835 - Sunday 18 October 2009 19:59

You should have though before you spoke,
and YDI for parking there.
You know better.

Reply

kawaiixalice | 15

#625861 - Sunday 18 October 2009 20:10

Yeah,
practice what you preach buddy.
I THOUGHT so..

Reply

were_giraffe | 2

#625888 - Sunday 18 October 2009 20:26

I have to agree.

Delivering pizza or not ... the rules of the road and of parking still apply to you.

And then... you try to put the officer down for giving you a ticket?

Looks like the score is now Officer 2, Pizza Delivery Person 0

By pinktiger | 0

#625839 - Sunday 18 October 2009 20:01

pizza delivery guys are hot! xD

Reply

allysonnn | 0

#625981 - Sunday 18 October 2009 21:01

not all of them...

Reply

TheTragicReturn | 0

#626281 - Sunday 18 October 2009 23:15

Way to generalize.

Reply

PokeyStix | 3

#626461 - Monday 19 October 2009 1:09

That's like me saying:

Accountants are hot!

Reply

BravoUser | 0

#626866 - Monday 19 October 2009 5:34

It says it's a woman...am I wrong?

By nazooer | 11

#625846 - Sunday 18 October 2009 20:04

FIRST!! SUCK IT BITCHES

Reply

ILoveAsianGirls | 0

#625851 - Sunday 18 October 2009 20:07

fail

Reply

nazooer | 11

#625854 - Sunday 18 October 2009 20:08

ikr i wanted to be annoying like the other idiots on fml, i knew i was 7th

Reply

jazzy1432 | 0

#625877 - Sunday 18 October 2009 20:18

LOL actually 8th

Reply

nazooer | 11

#625889 - Sunday 18 October 2009 20:26

Not what it says on my screen :D

Reply

go64 | 0

#625985 - Sunday 18 October 2009 21:02

GOD: http://www.collegehumor.com/video:1907543

Reply

Monado | 0

#625990 - Sunday 18 October 2009 21:04

Stolen from XKCD

By its_love2 | 31

#625852 - Sunday 18 October 2009 20:07

hey at least most people get excited when a pizza delivery person shows up .... no one likes a bylaw enforcer (well okay unless it's for their benefit)

Reply

fili450r | 0

#625980 - Sunday 18 October 2009 21:00

lol, normally when i see a cop, it means im in trouble again...lol, my fat friend learned that fat kids cant hide behind tiny bushes, lol.

op got pwnd!!!

By FPsLife | 5

#625864 - Sunday 18 October 2009 20:11

Who calls a woman buddy?

Reply

ManUpFucker | 0

#625870 - Sunday 18 October 2009 20:13

Secret sub fml, Op looks like a man.

Reply

MikeHawke | 0

#626956 - Monday 19 October 2009 6:31

What kind of woman is called nick?