Today, whilst texting my boyfriend on the train, I noticed the... - FML

By Anonymous - 26/3/2013 00:28 - United Kingdom - London

Today, whilst texting my boyfriend on the train, I noticed the woman sitting next to me staring intently at my phone. After letting my boyfriend know, he sent a message saying, "Are we gonna involve the dog again? Last night was fun." She gasped and screamed that I'm a "twisted dog-humping bitch." FML

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Workaholic

This is fine

A beautiful truck decoration

By prego - 30/4/2009 02:03 - United States

Today, I called my mom into my room to ask her to bring me something. She reffered to me as a "lazy fat slug." I'm 38 weeks pregnant and was put on emergancy bedrest by my doctor. FML

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By Fonzie34 - 1/3/2010 02:42 - United States

Today, I was lobstering. While I was getting bands, my co-worker decided it would be funny to make a lobster pinch my ear. it was a 4 pound lobster, and my ear was swollen for 5 hours. FML

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By murphyslaw948 - 27/11/2019 05:00

Murphy's law

Today, I fall for a guy after 3 years of being celibate, after he shows all the signs of being into me. Turns out, he likes my best friend who is dating another guy I liked and was just using me to compensate for her unavailability. Guess I am really a walking, talking example of Murphy's law. FML

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By Nicos - 25/12/2008 06:07 - France

Today, feeling romantic and overwhelmed with love, I told my fiancée: "I don't know what I'd do without you." She replied: "Well, you'd wank". FML

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By Anon - 8/4/2016 22:28 - United States - Omaha

Today, I proudly told my family I lost 15 pounds. My dad looked me up and down and said, "Well, you've got a looooong way to go." FML

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By Ms. Heartless - 16/12/2011 00:37 - United States

Today, I was riding the subway, reading a book, when a woman suddenly shoved a flyer over my book. Aghast by her rude gesture, I declined to take the paper. I looked over and noticed it was a flyer for a missing girl. FML

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By orely44 - 8/3/2013 14:13 - France - Rez

Today, after about fifteen minutes of my cat bullying me into letting him get onto my lap, I finally caved. He clambered on, turned around, farted in my direction and got off as fast as he got on. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/8/2015 13:54 - Norway - Oslo

Today, my car is being repaired, so I had to catch a bus to work. When the bus came, the driver pulled toward the curb and gunned it through a large puddle of water, then pulled away and continued down the road, leaving me soaking wet. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/7/2009 13:49 - United States

Today, after not seeing my boyfriend for 9 months, he came to meet me at the airport. I was so excited when I first saw him that I broke into a sprint to greet him. Apparently, running through the airport looks suspicious, because a security guard tackled me. Now I have a broken nose. FML

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By Franklin - 18/12/2017 19:00

Size isn't everything!

Today, I attempted to threaten my daughter's boyfriend to keep him from breaking her heart. I am a 230-pound former soldier. He is a karate black belt. My family watched me get beat up by a 120-pound teenager. FML

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By mississippi123 - 6/8/2012 05:41 - United States - Fullerton

Today, I discovered how pathetically introverted I am when during a car ride with my family, I said, "I really like this song" and my parents gasped because they didn't realize I was in the back seat. And I'm their only child. FML

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By mayhemily - 21/9/2015 16:22 - Canada - Aurora

Today, I passed out in my kitchen and was woken up by my dog. Not because she was worried about me, but because my body was blocking her food dish. FML

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By anonymous - 12/2/2011 05:48 - Canada

Today, I woke up in the middle of the night to get a glass of water. Groggy and disoriented, I bumped into several pieces of furniture and made a lot of noise. My dad woke up, mistook me for a burglar, and knocked me out with his fist. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/6/2015 12:56 - Turkey - Istanbul

Today, I was at my best friend's wedding. As she threw the bouquet, I was punched in the face by another bridesmaid. Later, as I was explaining what had happened, I punched myself in the face. FML

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By fireman - 6/10/2010 09:31 - United States

Today, I went over to this girl's house that I really like. I was planning on cooking her dinner. In the process, the grease in the pan got too hot and caught fire. We ended up having to call the fire department. FML

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By bad birthdays - 16/8/2014 05:09 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, it's my birthday. When I asked my mom if we were gonna do anything special for my birthday. She said, "don't lie to me. It's not your birthday." FML

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By shark - 27/11/2012 03:03 - United States - Houston

Today, I was separating my notes into two piles: one to save for exam studying and one to throw out. I finished separating, picked up the junk pile and absentmindedly shredded it. Afterwards, I looked down to see the junk pile still completely intact. Goodbye, passing grades. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/9/2019 14:01

Triage

Today, while at my job as a nurse in the ER, someone came in with a hangnail. They threw a fit that they had to wait because we were managing a heart attack, a man with colon cancer and a kid with appendicitis. FML

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By beaten - 13/9/2009 06:17 - United States

Today, my Marine friend got back from his tour of duty overseas. We went out for drinks to celebrate his return. His own form of celebration was to pick a fight with a returning Navy SEAL and his friends. We lost. Badly. FML

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By backtothelaundrettethen - 3/12/2012 11:40 - Germany

Today, I bought some expensive fabric softener since I'm not too keen on my detergent's smell. Only after washing two weeks worth of laundry did I discover that mixed together they realistically mimic the smell of fresh puke. FML

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By ppp - 14/9/2011 04:12 - United States

Today, my boyfriend gave me a gift. A half-used bottle of body lotion that belonged to his dead wife. FML

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By baby shak - 14/1/2012 07:51 - United States

Today, I was planning to start my fitness regime and lose weight, using the bike that had been lying unused in my garden for the past six months. Tonight, the bike was stolen from my garden. FML

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By JohnFarrell - 24/4/2009 17:20 - United States

Today, I was at the gym when I saw one of my friends at the water fountain. I went over and gave him a man ass slap while he was drinking. It wasn't my friend. I now have a black eye. FML

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By glittercat - 26/1/2009 23:44 - United States

Today, I heard my mom moan in the other room. FML

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By crushedsoul - 5/11/2015 21:34 - United States - Baltimore

Today, I attended my school's special invitation-only awards ceremony, relieved that I was getting a much-needed scholarship. I watched all my friends go up and win scholarships. In the end, I only got a certificate for doing well on the PSAT. My whole family showed up for this. FML

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By Nick - 13/5/2009 22:20 - United States

Today, I finally beat the song "Through the Fire and Flames" on Guitar Hero 3. I then realized that it was the biggest accomplishment I've ever made in my entire life. FML

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By themarrowguy - 23/8/2013 10:06 - United States

Today, after recently discovering that I need a bone marrow transplant, my girlfriend got tested to see if she could be a donor. When the results came back with a negative match, she blurted out, "Oh thank god." FML

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By Decker - 14/2/2010 01:04 - United States

Today, I went to a crowded Walmart with a hot new girl I'm dating. It was raining and we had to park far from the entrance. As soon as we get out of my car, she starts sprinting to get out of the rain. I run to catch up and slip on a metal plate, and do a reverse superman onto my ass. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/2/2011 05:22 - United States

Today, I went to my boyfriend's house and sat around while he played video games. He turned to me and could see I was annoyed. Then he told his friends on XBox Live that he needed a 10 minute break to have sex with me. FML

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By 12incher - 15/3/2009 04:45 - United States

Today, I was sitting in math class when I glanced over to the other side of the room and the hottest girl in the school is over there. I could see her thong so I instantly got a boner. About a minute later my teacher calls me up to the board to do a problem. I wore basketball shorts that day. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/7/2013 06:11 - United States - Des Moines

Today, I found out that my parents spent all of the money in my college fund to pay for my cat to be flown to LA and audition for a movie. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/1/2011 11:44 - United States

Today, at work, a homeless woman called me trash, threw her coffee at me, and told me to get a job. I do have a job. It's homeless outreach. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/12/2013 07:08 - United States - Fairfield

Today, I came home after working on a difficult case. My husband wasn't home so I hopped into bed. My feet felt something and I reached down and picked it up out of the sheets. It was lacy black thongs. I don't own black thongs. FML

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By Whytetrash - 20/6/2013 06:32 - Australia - Sydney

Today, a customer broke my nose for refusing to give him a discount because the product he was buying had a fine layer of dust on the box. FML

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By andifalls - 24/1/2011 05:11

Today, my 70 year old grandma was yelling at me to take a pregnancy test, in the middle of Walmart. I'm 16, still a virgin and haven't had a boyfriend since I was 13. FML

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By mysidesaresplitting - 14/12/2012 06:44 - United States - Oxford

Today, I had the pleasure of finding out how it feels to poop with 3 broken ribs. FML

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By AnonymousAndSad - 24/4/2014 23:42 - United States - Waukon

Today, after an entire year spent in physical therapy recovering from three knee surgeries, I finally returned to doing light agility exercises and running on a treadmill. When I told my therapist I had never been so happy and proud, he responded with, "This usually only takes 5 months, pussy." FML

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By pumboc - 24/6/2013 05:38 - Australia - Glen Waverley

Today, I thought I was home alone. Likewise, my visiting grandfather thought he was alone. You can imagine the mutual surprise when I caught him stealing money from my sister's bedroom. FML

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By Austin - 12/2/2011 07:50 - United States

Today, I got a notice in the mail saying I had been fired from my job. My dad's the boss, who I happen to live with. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/2/2011 17:41 - Ireland

Today, I cycled 30 minutes through hail and rain to get my pregnant girlfriend the crisps she was craving. When I made it back, she didn't want them anymore. FML

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Top comments

By Zestus | 19

#5421316 - Tuesday 26 March 2013 11:55

You should've gone along with it to freak her out even more for laughs. Like wink at her or something.

By Firuzzy | 10

#5421309 - Tuesday 26 March 2013 11:54

People don't know when to mind their own business anymore.

COMMENTS

By Firuzzy | 10

#5421309 - Tuesday 26 March 2013 11:54

People don't know when to mind their own business anymore.

Reply

wlddog | 14

#5421429 - Tuesday 26 March 2013 13:12

Turn around and ask her for her phone. That way you can shove your nose in her business and everything would be fair.

Reply

TheGodDamnJoker | 9

#5422515 - Wednesday 27 March 2013 4:55

I really don't see the Issue here. I mean op (a "twisted bitch") is only humping another dog right? It's only natural for dogs to hump each other.

By TheSnakeDoctor20 | 17

#5421310 - Tuesday 26 March 2013 11:55

I see you finally gave in to your attractive boyfriend.

Reply

Crazynopantsman | 11

#5421334 - Tuesday 26 March 2013 12:02

She couldn't stay away from that Golden Retriever

Reply

Catkam623 | 27

#5421485 - Tuesday 26 March 2013 14:15

*labrador

Reply

Karalela44 | 15

#5422489 - Wednesday 27 March 2013 4:32

Guys, guys...it's all about Red Dobermans

By budnut | 10

#5421312 - Tuesday 26 March 2013 11:55

I would turn off the phone and just stare back at her.

Reply

weveevee | 3

#5423220 - Wednesday 27 March 2013 16:52

And smile intently.

By Zestus | 19

#5421316 - Tuesday 26 March 2013 11:55

You should've gone along with it to freak her out even more for laughs. Like wink at her or something.

Reply

nanxi | 30

#5421368 - Tuesday 26 March 2013 12:22

And then invite her to join the party. :D

Reply

kozzard | 17

#5421475 - Tuesday 26 March 2013 13:58

"Hey, don't knock it till you try it!"

Reply

gc327072 | 29

#5421548 - Tuesday 26 March 2013 16:00

Then the phone rings playing "the bad touch"

Reply

tygerarmy | 35

#5421632 - Tuesday 26 March 2013 16:42

You and me baby ain't nothing but mammals...

Reply

MidnaLink | 32

#5422419 - Wednesday 27 March 2013 3:19

... doing like they do on the discovery channel.

Reply

Mortoli | 30

#6040546 - Sunday 17 August 2014 19:27

Nah nah bitch her out to mind her own business without saying anything bout the comment. Then reply to him saying alright can't wait to get home ;)... Lol of course make sure she looking.

By harrypotter955 | 19

#5421317 - Tuesday 26 March 2013 11:56

1-800- choke dat hoe

Reply

not_a_robot | 15

#5421437 - Tuesday 26 March 2013 13:17

How at all is this relevant to the FML? Am I missing something?

Reply

miketopgunmike1 | 25

#5421481 - Tuesday 26 March 2013 14:11

Because the dumb bitch is nosing her way into op's conversation which she had no reason to be a part of 34....... I swear some people are just stupid

Reply

Zomg_Okay | 26

#5421501 - Tuesday 26 March 2013 14:45

I don't know, 44. I think 34 has a point, I still can't see where farming implements come into this or what attempting to strangle them would accomplish.

Reply

diaosi | 4

#5424202 - Thursday 28 March 2013 5:47

I thumbed it down for the use of "dat"

By ovechkinisbeast | 9

#5421318 - Tuesday 26 March 2013 11:56

That's when you smack a bitch

By lilhellian | 26

#5421319 - Tuesday 26 March 2013 11:56

In this day and age.. People like that are almost as rare as virgins..

By LovesSushi | 25

#5421322 - Tuesday 26 March 2013 11:56

That's what people get for being nosey. Your boyfriend sounds hilarious though!

By Nath1G | 4

#5421325 - Tuesday 26 March 2013 11:57

Well if you're a bitch.. Your not doing anything wrong

Reply

Nath1G | 4

#5421326 - Tuesday 26 March 2013 11:58

you're** Siiiigh

Reply

G97Alex | 21

#5421644 - Tuesday 26 March 2013 16:50

Correcting people while having an apparent superiority complex doesn't help you get thumbs up.

Reply

Axipiter | 24

#5421818 - Tuesday 26 March 2013 18:50

Uhhh... He corrected himself...

Reply

charvisioku | 22

#5421892 - Tuesday 26 March 2013 19:23

65: Neither does failing to notice the username is the same on both posts :p

By nooshGol | 15

#5421327 - Tuesday 26 March 2013 11:59

Wow that sucks OP. People need to mind their own business.