Animals: Today, whilst texting my boyfriend on the train, I noticed the... - FML

By Anonymous - United Kingdom - London

Today, whilst texting my boyfriend on the train, I noticed the woman sitting next to me staring intently at my phone. After letting my boyfriend know, he sent a message saying, "Are we gonna involve the dog again? Last night was fun." She gasped and screamed that I'm a "twisted dog-humping bitch." FML

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Sorry…

There's no helping some people

Life of Brian

By Anonymous - United States

Today, for the first time in years, I broke down in tears, over a Hallmark commercial. FML

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By dregmanhart

Today, I went out for a 20-minute lunch break. When I returned to the office, I noticed that my personal computer was missing. Someone had walked into the suite on the second floor and stole my computer right off its docking station, while a few of my coworkers were still in the office. FML

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By catsofly7 - United States

Today, I had a job interview at 9:00am. I left at around 8:30am, and as soon as I got in the car to drive to the interview, I checked my phone again, and it said 10:33. My boyfriend had decided to change the time on my clock as a "joke." FML

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By Gamergirl137 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I was walking home with my boyfriend and we passed the shop where my ex works at. My boyfriend slapped my ass right as my ex came out. It was so sudden that I started choking on a fry and dropped soda all over myself. My ex kept laughing all while my boyfriend kept apologizing. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Trenton

Today, I left my dog in the car while I quickly ran into a store. I came out to a woman smashing at my window, screaming that it was too hot in the car for the dog and saying I was being inhumane. The car was still running and the air conditioning was on. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Barnhart

Today, I woke up screaming like a little bitch. I'd been having a bizarre dream where I was having sex with Homer Simpson, when he suddenly had a heart attack and fell on me, crushing me to death. I think my brain needs a douching. FML

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By Anonymous - Germany

Today, I asked my boss to pay me for the only 2 sick days I had taken in 6 months, but he didn't want to. I reminded him that it's the law now in Germany, even for part-time work, so he said OK. Two hours later, he fired me. One week before my probationary period was up. FML

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By no good deed... etc

Well Well Well

Today, I tried to surprise my mom and wash her car while she was away. Today, I also found out how gross our well water is. The car looks worse than before. FML

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By anon

Smells like Toddler Spirit

Today, a toddler threw up on my backpack mid-flight. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Darwin

Today, I woke up in the shower at my coworker's house, with my clothes on and soaking wet. Apparently, the night before I drank too much and punched my best friend. The sad part is, I passed out on the couch, but somehow ended up in the shower, facing the wrong way. FML

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By turtle - United States

Today, I saw a turtle on the road so I swerved, and hit a tree. The people behind me then hit the turtle. FML

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By CaptainSosuke - United States

Today, I tripped over my own shoelace after explaining to my boyfriend that my shoes being untied were good luck for me. He then took that as the grand opportunity to tell me that we were breaking up. FML

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By Charlie - United States

Today, I brought my girlfriend of four months home for dinner to meet my parents. The first thing my mom says to her? "Oh my God, you're real!" FML

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By peterpan - Germany

Today, I was making schnitzel at our kitchen so I had to get rid of all the oil. So I decided it would be best to put the hot pan on our porch so the oil would cool down and then I could get rid of it. Unfortunately the ground is sealed with tar, so the tar melted and now the pan is stuck to the ground. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Round Lake

Today, my boyfriend dumped me for knowing more about Batman than he does. He's only seen some of the movies, and as a kid my dad owned a comic book store. He still doesn't see why I should know more, because I'm a girl, and "girls aren't supposed to know about super heroes." FML

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By wat - United States - Santa Ana

Today, I went to visit my overly-posh mother for the first time in many years. Upon arrival, she kicked me out because my outfit did not follow the same color-scheme as her decor. FML

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By

Today, I wasn't sure whether it was past the time when they stopped giving out parking tickets. I checked the meters on either side of my car, and both were expired, so I figured I was good. I came back out to all three of us having tickets. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I came home to find that my pregnant cat had given birth to a stillborn kitten in every room of the house. It had then rubbed its butt around the house, leaving bloody stains everywhere. When I went to clean the white carpet, the bleach turned it green. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was driving home from swim practice with my mom. I glance over and see my brother's hot friend who I've been secretly in love with forever. He waved to me, and excitedly I waved back. I then hear my mom say "You're gonna die when you see how bad you look right now." FML

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By curly_eyelashes - Canada - Windsor

Today, I realized that the "eyelash curling brush" that my best friend found in my old bathroom drawer was actually a stick used for cleaning food out of my sister's braces. I used that thing for years. FML

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By effinit - United States

Today, while I was on a second date with this guy, my roommate tried calling me and I ignored her. After dinner my date brought me back to my apartment and there was a waterfall gushing down from the balcony above our apartment. The guys above us had started a fire and our apartment was flooded. FML

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By Cococautly - Canada

Today, my boyfriend proposed to me at the zoo. With a Ring Pop. He was serious. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Encino

Today, a friend told me that when I read, I make all the expressions the characters in the book are making. Apparently, I have been doing this since I was a kid, and no one ever told me. FML

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By yoyo22 - United States

Today, I was at the beach with my friend for vacation. We were playing Marco Polo in the ocean and I was Marco. I thought I heard my friend, so I lunged forward and grabbed her. Too bad it wasn't my friend, it was an old guy in a pink speedo, and I grabbed his butt. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, one of my boyfriend's friends commented on how small my boobs are. My boyfriend defended me, saying it was only because I was wearing a sports bra. I wasn't. It was the push-up bra he bought me. FML

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By senelbeat - United States

Today, I was talking to my mother about my sex life, telling her "if I want to have sex I'm going to have sex." She looked at me for a moment and said, "You're staying a virgin until you marry". She wasn't ordering me, she was informing me. FML

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By cjay2200 - United Kingdom

Today, my son was eating a plum. I was busy in the kitchen, and he came running in saying "Mummy my plum is wet", I told him it was fine and bit a bit off to prove it. He looked at me and said "No Mummy! Can you wash it please, I dropped it in my potty". I feel ill. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, my wife heard that wifi could be harmful for our newborn baby's undeveloped brain box. Her solution was to switch the wifi off on our laptops. She won't listen to the flaw in her plan. FML

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By Geoff - 21/12/2020 07:58 - Netherlands - Utrecht

Three's company

Today I've finally found love and contentment in my wonderful relationships with my girlfriend and boyfriend. We are the perfect thruple and very happy together. My mom has just disowned me because of it. FML

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By heartattack

Today, after I moved into my new 1930's house, my elderly rescue dog raised her hackles and stared at the wall behind my bed for two full minutes. I thought she might have recognized something from her old job. She's a retired cadaver dog. I guess I'm never sleeping, again. FML

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By omfgnooo - United States

Today, I was masturbating while chewing gum. Halfway into the session, the gum flew down my throat, causing me to violently choke. My mom had to rush in and help me while I still had my pants around my ankles. FML

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By Sisi - United States - Mesa

Today, my roommate left a bomb looking package of cookies on the kitchen counter. My sweet tooth got the best of me and I made that split second decision of, "Oh, I'll just have one." Halfway through it, I noticed the fine print, "For dogs" on the package. FML

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By fatty - United States

Today, my fitness trainer husband told me that if I could not make the commitment to stay thin, he could not make the commitment to stay with me. FML

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By TiredParent

Today, I had to take my eyes off my kid for a minute to respond to an important work email. I was about to click send when I heard a flushing sound and mad giggling. It was the TV remote. FML

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By BetterThanChocolate - United States - Silver Spring

Today, at a big Easter egg hunt, the kids found a wild bunny. Everyone smiled and "aww"ed, until my dog caught and ate it in front everyone. FML

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By burned - United States

Today, my roommate decided to fry some bacon. After finishing, he thought it would be easy to clean up if he just tossed the panful of grease out the second story window. Guess where I was standing at the time? FML

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By Falafax - United States

Today, I auditioned for a part and made it because the director thought I would be "perfect" for the part and I was "just like the character in every way." The part is for a schizophrenic drug addict who everyone hates and is stabbed to death in the second scene. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I woke up to a man stroking my leg while smelling my hair. I asked my roommate who he was and she said, "Oh, that's just my brother. He needs a place to stay and he will be living with us until June. Didn't I tell you that?" No, you didn't. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend called me and I told him about the AnimeCon I'm attending, and that I wanted to go as Sailor Mars, he told me he had no idea what that was. After being mad for about ten minutes, I realized that I wanted to break up with him over not knowing what Sailor Moon was. FML

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By nothappywithlife - United States

Today, I checked my facebook, and my wife of 5 years was listed as single. I then write on her wall that it is ok to announce to be married. She writes back saying that we have to talk and to come to the kitchen. My wife divorced me over facebook. FML

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Top comments

By Zestus | 19

#5421316 - Tuesday 26 March 2013 11:55

You should've gone along with it to freak her out even more for laughs. Like wink at her or something.

By Firuzzy | 10

#5421309 - Tuesday 26 March 2013 11:54

People don't know when to mind their own business anymore.

COMMENTS

By Firuzzy | 10

#5421309 - Tuesday 26 March 2013 11:54

People don't know when to mind their own business anymore.

Reply

wlddog | 14

#5421429 - Tuesday 26 March 2013 13:12

Turn around and ask her for her phone. That way you can shove your nose in her business and everything would be fair.

Reply

TheGodDamnJoker | 9

#5422515 - Wednesday 27 March 2013 4:55

I really don't see the Issue here. I mean op (a "twisted bitch") is only humping another dog right? It's only natural for dogs to hump each other.

By TheSnakeDoctor20 | 17

#5421310 - Tuesday 26 March 2013 11:55

I see you finally gave in to your attractive boyfriend.

Reply

Crazynopantsman | 11

#5421334 - Tuesday 26 March 2013 12:02

She couldn't stay away from that Golden Retriever

Reply

Catkam623 | 27

#5421485 - Tuesday 26 March 2013 14:15

*labrador

Reply

Karalela44 | 15

#5422489 - Wednesday 27 March 2013 4:32

Guys, guys...it's all about Red Dobermans

By budnut | 10

#5421312 - Tuesday 26 March 2013 11:55

I would turn off the phone and just stare back at her.

Reply

weveevee | 3

#5423220 - Wednesday 27 March 2013 16:52

And smile intently.

By Zestus | 19

#5421316 - Tuesday 26 March 2013 11:55

You should've gone along with it to freak her out even more for laughs. Like wink at her or something.

Reply

nanxi | 30

#5421368 - Tuesday 26 March 2013 12:22

And then invite her to join the party. :D

Reply

kozzard | 17

#5421475 - Tuesday 26 March 2013 13:58

"Hey, don't knock it till you try it!"

Reply

gc327072 | 29

#5421548 - Tuesday 26 March 2013 16:00

Then the phone rings playing "the bad touch"

Reply

tygerarmy | 35

#5421632 - Tuesday 26 March 2013 16:42

You and me baby ain't nothing but mammals...

Reply

MidnaLink | 32

#5422419 - Wednesday 27 March 2013 3:19

... doing like they do on the discovery channel.

Reply

Mortoli | 30

#6040546 - Sunday 17 August 2014 19:27

Nah nah bitch her out to mind her own business without saying anything bout the comment. Then reply to him saying alright can't wait to get home ;)... Lol of course make sure she looking.

By harrypotter955 | 19

#5421317 - Tuesday 26 March 2013 11:56

1-800- choke dat hoe

Reply

not_a_robot | 15

#5421437 - Tuesday 26 March 2013 13:17

How at all is this relevant to the FML? Am I missing something?

Reply

miketopgunmike1 | 25

#5421481 - Tuesday 26 March 2013 14:11

Because the dumb bitch is nosing her way into op's conversation which she had no reason to be a part of 34....... I swear some people are just stupid

Reply

Zomg_Okay | 26

#5421501 - Tuesday 26 March 2013 14:45

I don't know, 44. I think 34 has a point, I still can't see where farming implements come into this or what attempting to strangle them would accomplish.

Reply

diaosi | 4

#5424202 - Thursday 28 March 2013 5:47

I thumbed it down for the use of "dat"

By ovechkinisbeast | 9

#5421318 - Tuesday 26 March 2013 11:56

That's when you smack a bitch

By lilhellian | 26

#5421319 - Tuesday 26 March 2013 11:56

In this day and age.. People like that are almost as rare as virgins..

By LovesSushi | 25

#5421322 - Tuesday 26 March 2013 11:56

That's what people get for being nosey. Your boyfriend sounds hilarious though!

By Nath1G | 4

#5421325 - Tuesday 26 March 2013 11:57

Well if you're a bitch.. Your not doing anything wrong

Reply

Nath1G | 4

#5421326 - Tuesday 26 March 2013 11:58

you're** Siiiigh

Reply

G97Alex | 21

#5421644 - Tuesday 26 March 2013 16:50

Correcting people while having an apparent superiority complex doesn't help you get thumbs up.

Reply

Axipiter | 24

#5421818 - Tuesday 26 March 2013 18:50

Uhhh... He corrected himself...

Reply

charvisioku | 22

#5421892 - Tuesday 26 March 2013 19:23

65: Neither does failing to notice the username is the same on both posts :p

By nooshGol | 15

#5421327 - Tuesday 26 March 2013 11:59

Wow that sucks OP. People need to mind their own business.