Animals: Today, whilst texting my boyfriend on the train, I noticed the... - FML

By Anonymous - United Kingdom - London

Today, whilst texting my boyfriend on the train, I noticed the woman sitting next to me staring intently at my phone. After letting my boyfriend know, he sent a message saying, "Are we gonna involve the dog again? Last night was fun." She gasped and screamed that I'm a "twisted dog-humping bitch." FML

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Coherence dude, do you have it?

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Persona non grata

By 102496 - France

Today, I went to the store with my 4 1/2 year old daughter. When we got to the cosmetics aisle, she asked what make-up was for, I told her it was to make women prettier. My daughter then told me it was a good thing I wear make-up because I was ugly and that I might scare off my husband. FML

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By Matt - Canada

Today, I took my date out for dinner to a seafood restaurant and she ordered expensive prawns. Later, when we had sex, she started to complain about her stomach hurting and then had diarrhea for hours. Great job prawns. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, after my second date with an otherwise charming guy, he called me a whore for turning him down for sex. Yeah, I'm trying to work out the logic of that too. FML

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By librarygirl - United States

Today, I was volunteering at the library. A kid came up and asked me to help him peel the back off his sticker. It took me so long the kid left. Determined, I still tried to peel it off. Fifteen minutes later, the librarian came over, looked once at it, and told me it wasn't a sticker. FML

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By how about never? - United States - San Fernando

Today, I gave birth to my first child. The first thing my husband says? "When can I hit it again, doc?" FML

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By littlespoon - United States

Today, my girlfriend decided it would be a funny idea to spray me with a hose while I was holding a kitten, showing her how cute we were. Needless to say, now I'm covered head to toe in cat scratches. FML

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By Notthekeytosuccess

Today, I broke my key unlocking my dorm room. When I pushed the door open in frustration, the door opened with no problem. Turns out it was unlocked. FML

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By dumbwifehappylife - United States - Woodbine

Today, my wife tried to report our neighbor's yard sale to the Better Business Bureau. FML

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By Anon - United Kingdom

Today, when walking to my car I was mugged. Not only did they take my phone, wallet and watch, the extra few minutes taken in my journey meant that when I got to my car, I was given a parking ticket. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Fort Lauderdale

Today, I was on the toilet, when the girl I really like decided to call. I'd left my cellphone in my room and my dad answered. All he said was, "He's taking a shit. This might take a while." and hung up. FML

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By blow me - Australia - Vermont

Today, I bought some pricey lipstick for a date tonight. An hour after putting it on, my lips are so swollen, I look like a blow-up sex doll. FML

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By blkchkrm - United States

Today, I decided I was going to do something nice for my parents for Christmas. So, I cleaned the entire house top to bottom, baked cookies, and made them both Christmas cards. What did I get in return? They asked me to wrap my four year old sister's presents, and let me know I got nothing. FML

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By Dani - United States

Today, I locked my keys in my car and called AAA. He got out to take a look at my car, and he locked himself out of his own car with his tools inside. It took us 40 minutes with a screwdriver and stick to unlock his car and 40 seconds to unlock mine after. 9 hours later, I found my extra key. FML

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By Syferix - United States

Today, I was leaving to go over to a friend's and my parents suddenly ask if I'm gay. I reply that no, I'm bisexual. My mom then asks if I've ever made out with someone of the same sex and I say yes. She turns to my dad and says 'I told you so. You owe me $20'. My parents bet on my sexuality. FML

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By I'm stupid - United States - Naperville

Today, I took a pregnancy test. When I saw that the result was positive, I started crying and showed my mom. She burst out laughing and told me that I had taken an ovulation test. FML

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By Rick - United Kingdom

Today, I fell in a river with a £700 camera, a £200 lens, and an iPhone while trying to rescue a 50 pence ball for my dog. FML

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By Leo Scofield - 29/8/2020 02:00

It's not the size that counts

Today, I came home to find out my roommate had sex in my bed, because he didn't want his date to know he has a smaller bed. FML

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By Dexter_39476 - Denmark - Copenhagen

Today, I found out my family refers to my room as "the virgin cave". FML

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By kat - United States - Ocala

Today, the bar owner I work for told us to pay better attention to our drunk patrons, and to start cutting them off. A fellow bar maid asked how we are supposed to tell when it's time. He pointed at me and said, "When they start hitting on her, they're too drunk to drive." FML

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By caught out - United Kingdom - London

Today, I had to take an urgent dump at work. I noticed too late there was no toilet paper left, so I had to risk doing a quick "pants around the knees" shuffle to the next stall. I locked eyes with the window cleaner at the same time I heard someone enter from behind me. FML

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By Noname - Canada

Today, I was babysitting my co-workers son. He was eating jell-o and spilt it on his top, so I pulled off his pj's, and went in his room to grab a new pair. I heard a thunk and ran to find him out cold on the floor. His parents walked in on me trying to wake up their naked 3 year old. FML

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By Mintspice

Today, a girl I've liked for months agreed to go to a movie. We were going to see Captain Marvel, but missed the show time, so we saw Five Feet Apart. Blessing in disguise, right? Wrong. She cried while holding my hand as she talked about how in love she is with another girl. FML

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By Scott - United States

Today, I caught my pregnant wife trying to suck milk from her breasts. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was out walking my dog. A cute woman says "nice dog" and without thinking I respond, "you too." FML

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By >{%£•¥ - United States

Today, right before my boyfriend and I were about to have sex, he touched his butt and says, "Oh I have a butt pimple." He then went and popped it. FML

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By Reggie

Today, my mom won the lottery. My biological mom who I only met last year, after 33 years of not knowing who she was. She is sharing her millions with her kids, but that doesn't include me as I "don't count". FML

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By smellynelly - United States - Buffalo

Today, I found out the reason my co-workers have been giving me gum every day is not because of their generosity, but because everyone in the office thinks my breath smells. FML

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By dl - Canada - Calgary

Today, I had a bubble bath to help me relax. I was more stressed out by the sound of all the bubbles popping than I was to begin with. FML

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By fucking teen cunts - Australia - Chatswood

Today, I was on a ladder at work, fetching some stock from one of the storage shelves. Some teenage kid thought it would be fucking hilarious to grab the ladder and violently shake it. He hadn't bet on me being startled enough to fall off and fracture my elbow on the floor. FML

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By dumped - United States

Today, my five year old daughter asked me what a divorce was. When I asked why she wanted to know, she replied with "Daddy wants one. He says you can have me." FML

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By fml_for_real - United States

Today, I asked my boyfriend to ravish me. He told me he would rather play PS3. FML

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By Sonotsuave - United States - Arlington

Today, I rushed home after my mom called saying our upstairs had flooded. Apparently, my little brother somehow broke the toilet while unsupervised and water overflowed everywhere. It even reached my closet, shoes, and books, and everything touching my floor in my room is now wet. FML

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By Anonymous - Japan

Today, I decided to go for a run to try and work on getting in shape. Nine steps in, I slipped in some slimy moss, almost broke my hip on the pavement and gashed open my elbow. I'll be surprised if I can walk straight in the morning. FML

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By B - Netherlands

Today, I had a quicky with my boyfriend, because his dad was about to pick him up. Afterwards, I texted: "Nice to meet your dad, hope we didn't look too heated." A few minutes later, he replied: "Great timing, he was holding my phone." FML

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By yamblam5 - United States - Monroe

Today, it's been months since I graduated university. I still haven't managed to land a single interview. Meanwhile my brother recently woke up from a week long bender, realized he had no money for weed, went out, and 4 days later landed a well paid sales job 15 minutes from home. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, I met my girlfriend's dad at a tennis game. I could tell he despised me from the start, but it only got worse when I played him. He smashed the ball at me and I went to hit it, but I missed and fell over, tearing my arm up on the gravel. He had a smirk on his face for the rest of the day. FML

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By Best-stuf-on-Earth - United States

Today, I had a check-up with my dermatologist. When I took off my pants, she noticed a small mark on my penis and was concerned. I had to inform her that it was not in fact a mole, but a bruise from getting it stuck in a Snapple bottle two days prior to the check-up. FML

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By figcurzyez - United Kingdom - Harlow

Today, the checkout guy at my local store asked me if I had my hair cut. I answered and started talking about my hair, and he gave me a really weird look. He was talking to his friend, who I hadn't noticed in the queue behind me. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, I woke up excited to go trick-or-treating, the treat being candy. Instead, my town has officially postponed Halloween due to blackouts. I guess this is where the trick comes in. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my mum came over and helped me sort out my spare room. It was great, we found so many things I'd forgotten I had! Including anal beads. FML

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Top comments

By Zestus | 19

#5421316 - Tuesday 26 March 2013 11:55

You should've gone along with it to freak her out even more for laughs. Like wink at her or something.

By Firuzzy | 10

#5421309 - Tuesday 26 March 2013 11:54

People don't know when to mind their own business anymore.

COMMENTS

By Firuzzy | 10

#5421309 - Tuesday 26 March 2013 11:54

People don't know when to mind their own business anymore.

Reply

wlddog | 14

#5421429 - Tuesday 26 March 2013 13:12

Turn around and ask her for her phone. That way you can shove your nose in her business and everything would be fair.

Reply

TheGodDamnJoker | 9

#5422515 - Wednesday 27 March 2013 4:55

I really don't see the Issue here. I mean op (a "twisted bitch") is only humping another dog right? It's only natural for dogs to hump each other.

By TheSnakeDoctor20 | 17

#5421310 - Tuesday 26 March 2013 11:55

I see you finally gave in to your attractive boyfriend.

Reply

Crazynopantsman | 11

#5421334 - Tuesday 26 March 2013 12:02

She couldn't stay away from that Golden Retriever

Reply

Catkam623 | 27

#5421485 - Tuesday 26 March 2013 14:15

*labrador

Reply

Karalela44 | 15

#5422489 - Wednesday 27 March 2013 4:32

Guys, guys...it's all about Red Dobermans

By budnut | 10

#5421312 - Tuesday 26 March 2013 11:55

I would turn off the phone and just stare back at her.

Reply

weveevee | 3

#5423220 - Wednesday 27 March 2013 16:52

And smile intently.

By Zestus | 19

#5421316 - Tuesday 26 March 2013 11:55

You should've gone along with it to freak her out even more for laughs. Like wink at her or something.

Reply

nanxi | 30

#5421368 - Tuesday 26 March 2013 12:22

And then invite her to join the party. :D

Reply

kozzard | 17

#5421475 - Tuesday 26 March 2013 13:58

"Hey, don't knock it till you try it!"

Reply

gc327072 | 29

#5421548 - Tuesday 26 March 2013 16:00

Then the phone rings playing "the bad touch"

Reply

tygerarmy | 35

#5421632 - Tuesday 26 March 2013 16:42

You and me baby ain't nothing but mammals...

Reply

MidnaLink | 32

#5422419 - Wednesday 27 March 2013 3:19

... doing like they do on the discovery channel.

Reply

Mortoli | 30

#6040546 - Sunday 17 August 2014 19:27

Nah nah bitch her out to mind her own business without saying anything bout the comment. Then reply to him saying alright can't wait to get home ;)... Lol of course make sure she looking.

By harrypotter955 | 19

#5421317 - Tuesday 26 March 2013 11:56

1-800- choke dat hoe

Reply

not_a_robot | 15

#5421437 - Tuesday 26 March 2013 13:17

How at all is this relevant to the FML? Am I missing something?

Reply

miketopgunmike1 | 25

#5421481 - Tuesday 26 March 2013 14:11

Because the dumb bitch is nosing her way into op's conversation which she had no reason to be a part of 34....... I swear some people are just stupid

Reply

Zomg_Okay | 26

#5421501 - Tuesday 26 March 2013 14:45

I don't know, 44. I think 34 has a point, I still can't see where farming implements come into this or what attempting to strangle them would accomplish.

Reply

diaosi | 4

#5424202 - Thursday 28 March 2013 5:47

I thumbed it down for the use of "dat"

By ovechkinisbeast | 9

#5421318 - Tuesday 26 March 2013 11:56

That's when you smack a bitch

By lilhellian | 26

#5421319 - Tuesday 26 March 2013 11:56

In this day and age.. People like that are almost as rare as virgins..

By LovesSushi | 25

#5421322 - Tuesday 26 March 2013 11:56

That's what people get for being nosey. Your boyfriend sounds hilarious though!

By Nath1G | 4

#5421325 - Tuesday 26 March 2013 11:57

Well if you're a bitch.. Your not doing anything wrong

Reply

Nath1G | 4

#5421326 - Tuesday 26 March 2013 11:58

you're** Siiiigh

Reply

G97Alex | 21

#5421644 - Tuesday 26 March 2013 16:50

Correcting people while having an apparent superiority complex doesn't help you get thumbs up.

Reply

Axipiter | 24

#5421818 - Tuesday 26 March 2013 18:50

Uhhh... He corrected himself...

Reply

charvisioku | 22

#5421892 - Tuesday 26 March 2013 19:23

65: Neither does failing to notice the username is the same on both posts :p

By nooshGol | 15

#5421327 - Tuesday 26 March 2013 11:59

Wow that sucks OP. People need to mind their own business.