Miscellaneous: Today, whilst holding a hand rail on a packed bus, I was rubbing...

By FingerBang - Australia

Today, whilst holding a hand rail on a packed bus, I was rubbing my hand along, and playing with, what I thought was a join in the metal. It was an old woman's finger. FML

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Miscellaneous

Understandable

Dementia or hate? You decide

Assumptions

By HLRJ - United States - Concord

Today, after my husband said he forgot our anniversary 2 days ago because he was so focused on planning for today, he forgot what was so important about today. It's my birthday. FML

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By StupidSecurityConsultant

Today, I was supposed to do a month's work presentation at the company I work for. They skipped over my presentation, because they needed time for the "weight loss" competition presentation. FML

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By YeahWhatOkay - United States

Today, I looked at the facebook of the girl I really liked, and I saw she wrote on her friend's wall "Last night was the biggest mistake of my life." We hooked up last night. FML

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By both are dimwitted - United States - Los Angeles

Today, my ex called, saying she's 3 months pregnant. She seems to have forgotten that we haven't been in the same room, much less friends, in over a year. My dimwitted wife thinks the baby is mine. FML

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By RuasaLove - United States - Pleasantville

Today, I was doing laundry while my boyfriend was sitting at the table playing on his phone. I glanced over and caught him watching my ass as I put clothes in the dryer. Trying to be sexy, I looked at him as I slowly bent over to put more clothes in. Instead, I hit my head hard on the dryer door. FML

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By Enni

Today, my husband told me that, "a girl's orgasm serves no purpose". FML

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By Jesse - United States

Today, I got pulled over for the first time since I got my license. I have disorganized speech and occasional inappropriate emotional response. I began to laugh due to nervousness and when I tried to explain why, I was arrested because he thought I was high. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/3/2020 14:06

Creeped out

Today, I found out my husband only started to date me because he thinks I look like his daughter. She was 5 at that time. FML

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By ohsosad - United States

Today, I was asked out by a guy who is doing community service because he was caught peeping through windows. I was tempted to say yes. FML

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By sam - United States

Today, I got a text just before class that my partner didn't finish their half of our 30 page research paper because "That class is stupid". FML

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By stellarshaun - United States

Today, I was naked in bed. I was eating vanilla yogurt and it spilt. My dad walked in and then apologized that he had walked in on me while I was masturbating. FML

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By Alex - United States

Today, my girlfriend told me how I am too occupied with work for our relationship. Before we had sex I told my friend to call me in ten minutes so I can pretend its my boss and I would throw the phone away to impress her. He called me in ten minutes, but I only lasted five. FML

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By flaps - United States

Today, I re-dislocated my arm trying to get it out of the cast it was in because I didn't want to pay the $50 dollar fee to get it taken off. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I lied when my therapist asked why I preferred Tuesday morning appointments. It's actually because World of Warcraft is down for regularly scheduled maintenance. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Riverside

Today, I got a text from a guy I hooked up with. I'm not really interested in him, so I rushed out of his house last night. He was letting me know I left my wallet at his house, and if I want it, I'll have to let him take me to dinner. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Rainier

Today, I received a prank phone call that woke me up. I actually kept them on the line because they were the first person to call me in weeks. FML

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51242

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By needanotherbed - United Kingdom - Ipswich

Today, I climbed into bed with my sleeping boyfriend after a long shift at work. He immediately rolled over, clamped my leg between his knees, and started viciously humping it. This is the fourth time now, and he still doesn't believe that he even does it. FML

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By The Ugly One - United States

Today, my professor was doing roll-call. As usual, she didn't say my name because it's so close to the person before me. So to differentiate, she decided she would call the girl before me "the pretty one". FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Spring

Today, my boss got mad at me because I told her that I wouldn't be able to work two days out of the week, due to college classes. She then cut back my hours so much that I now only work one day a week. I got the job in the first place to pay for my college classes. FML

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21121

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By shh - United States - Scottsdale

Today, during dinner with my wife's family, my daughter suddenly yelled, "DADDY TICKLES MOMMY'S BUM BUM!" I don't think I've ever received dirtier glares in my life. FML

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25448

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By Lilypad - France - Versailles

Today, I asked my boyfriend to give me a back rub. He claimed that he had a sore hand, so I retorted, "You have two hands, right?" Still bitter about not being able to have sex with me while I'm on my period, he shot back, "You have two holes, right?" I give up. FML

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By ravestradamus - Australia

Today, I was enjoying some "alone time" with the detachable shower head when someone flushed the toilet, causing the cold water to run out and badly scald my genitals. It hurts to walk. FML

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20108

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By Anonymous - 2/9/2020 02:01

Send virtual hugs

Today, I'm jealous of people who get to hug. My mom has banned hugs in the house because of COVID-19, and the only person I've hugged in the last 6 months is my boyfriend. He's been away for work for the past month and a half. FML

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1266

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By Tori - United States

Today, I discovered in my house a drawer full of chocolates, cookies and baked goods. When I asked my sister what the drawer was, she told me that my mom thought it would be a good idea to hide the fattening foods from me. My entire family had known about the food drawer except me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Chevy Chase

Today, I just landed in Washington, DC. Unfortunately, I also took off from Washington DC an hour ago. FML

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2520

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By SayCheese - Canada - Prince George

Today, my older brother walked in on me while I was wearing nothing but a bra, panties, pantyhose, and high heels. I'm his little brother. FML

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By haaaye - United States

Sounds cosy

Today, my Twitter got hacked, and I can't get it back. Everyone now thinks I live in a trailer and have multiple STDs. FML

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By kait - United States

Today, at work, an overweight man riding an electric cart started peeing all around the store. I had to clean it up. FML

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By jazzie7719 - United States - Arlington

Today, I went into an exam room to do a check-up on one of my patients. I told the little girl's mother that she needed her flu shots. When the girl heard this, she took an apple out of her pocket and threw it at me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I noticed my new neighbor had taken the liberty of putting up signs all around their lawn overnight. There are at least a dozen signs detailing the various reasons everyone on the planet is condemned to hell. FML

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By Ribbed for Her Disaster - United Kingdom - Orpington

Today, I was trying out my first vibrator. Soon enough, my 12-year-old sister opened my door, walked in, and saw me naked from the waist down. She laughed, called me a virgin, and left. FML

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By lrn2spel, teach - United States - Mogadore

Today, I got back the essay I wrote about how my country's education system is fucked. At one point, I made a spelling mistake. My teacher wrote a note about it, basically calling me illiterate and telling me to pay attention in school instead of whining about it. She misspelled "school". FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was at a local club with my friends sitting at a table when some guys approached us. One of them started telling me about his recent adventures through Europe and was very interesting. Something warm hit my leg and I realized the guy was urinating on me. FML

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By ladygrey

Today, my daughter informed me that she hates everything about her appearance and wants to get every possible plastic surgery when she’s older. She’s 7. FML

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1741

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By forthethreeofus

Today, I went to a nice restaurant with my grandfather, who kept telling me to be kind towards our waiter, as he was probably just starting his summer job. The same waiter who, as my granddad had probably forgotten, had brought us our food six months ago and was now standing four feet away. FML

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1263

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By embarrassed - United States - Great Neck

Today, I went to a baseball game with my girlfriend's dad. I got a boner when they sang the anthem, because that's what I sing in my head when having sex with his daughter so I last longer. FML

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52499

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By dieders - United Kingdom

Today, I woke up and opened my curtains to see my gardener up a ladder in front of my window tending to the plants growing up the side of the wall. This would've been fine if his ballsack wasn't hanging out his shorts. FML

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11725

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had to spend all of my money on textbooks even though my refrigerator is empty. Starving and frustrated, I called home to ask for money for groceries. My mom told me I could afford to skip a few meals. FML

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By cheese - United States - Sun Prairie

Today, I summoned the courage to talk to my friends about the money they owe me for my photography services at their wedding. We had agreed on a fair price, but now they're pissed, claiming that I'm being selfish and should consider it my wedding gift to them. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/12/2020 10:01 - United Kingdom - Milton Keynes

The World won't Listen

Today, I went round to see a friend who recently had a heart attack and was finding it difficult to shop for herself. She complained about the food being "too healthy" and wanted bags of chips and frozen rubbish instead. Her being overweight directly caused her heart attack. FML

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Top comments

By reset_button | 0

#631253 - Wednesday 21 October 2009 12:04

Did she fart when you pulled her finger?

By SmilesAlotXD | 0

#631269 - Wednesday 21 October 2009 12:18

its 1 thing to accidently do that but another if she didnt stop u ;)

COMMENTS

By _Noon_ | 0

#631252 - Wednesday 21 October 2009 12:05

Eww, haha. I hope you apologized?

By reset_button | 0

#631253 - Wednesday 21 October 2009 12:04

Did she fart when you pulled her finger?

NathanKett | 0

#631264 - Wednesday 21 October 2009 12:15

Did she at least make a joke about it?

liveBabylon | 0

#631782 - Wednesday 21 October 2009 20:08

aahahahhahhahahahahahahahhahhaa BEST FML I've read :)

nazooer | 11

#631913 - Wednesday 21 October 2009 22:18

Kinky

Fother_Mucker | 0

#1201869 - Saturday 7 August 2010 2:52

Did she wink at you?

By IllegalLight | 0

#631262 - Wednesday 21 October 2009 12:11

H1N1! Don't rub your hands in public places D: For the love of...

By SmilesAlotXD | 0

#631269 - Wednesday 21 October 2009 12:18

its 1 thing to accidently do that but another if she didnt stop u ;)

_Noon_ | 0

#631279 - Wednesday 21 October 2009 12:23

So true xD

Skull_300 | 0

#631350 - Wednesday 21 October 2009 13:50

If she didn't stop you, did you caress her ass next? "She was probably a cougar on the prowl!"

By Peroxide | 3

#631275 - Wednesday 21 October 2009 12:21

"I'm gonna finger bang bang you into my life!!"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uLS_HARAYZQ

By violette_fml | 0

#631296 - Wednesday 21 October 2009 12:35

[email protected]

Wow, that would've been awkward.

By playfuldesk | 0

#631313 - Wednesday 21 October 2009 13:03

I wanna finger bang bang u into my life, girl u like to fingerbang and it's all right.

cutiepie87 | 0

#632280 - Thursday 22 October 2009 2:21

LOL'D @ FINGERBANG!!!!!!!

By jts2 | 3

#631322 - Wednesday 21 October 2009 13:16

LOL'D.
South Park Reference makes violette and playfuldesk win this entry.

By sometester | 0

#631326 - Wednesday 21 October 2009 13:22

dddd

By TenebrificTurtle | 0

#631336 - Wednesday 21 October 2009 13:35

Did she fingasm?

TenebrificTurtle | 0

#631439 - Wednesday 21 October 2009 15:37

OMG I am just, I don't know what to say... thank you!