Miscellaneous: Today, whilst holding a hand rail on a packed bus, I was rubbing...

By FingerBang - Australia

Today, whilst holding a hand rail on a packed bus, I was rubbing my hand along, and playing with, what I thought was a join in the metal. It was an old woman's finger. FML

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Miscellaneous

Proactive

Hat Up

Gentle prank

By prick - United States - Dover

Today, as I rung up a customer's groceries, he gave me a pitying look and said I'd have a "real job" if I'd only studied harder. FML

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By FacebookStrikesAgain - Puerto Rico - Bayamon

Today, my girlfriend told me the reason why my credit card mysteriously maxed out 2 months ago 'might have been' because she posted a picture of it on Facebook. I ordered a new credit card without the custom picture of us immediately. She broke up with me. FML

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By fattymcbutterpants - United States

Today, I'm a nanny. After the kids went to bed the dog wouldn't stop barking violently unless I held the end of a blanket for him to hump. I need a raise. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I brought my own thermos of coffee on the train with me, the kind that flips open to uncover the mouth part. I take a few swigs and notice a cute boy nervously smiling at me. Suddenly, I feel something drip down my nose. The flip part was leaving drops of coffee all over my forehead. FML

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By Ndanick1193 - United States

Today, I found out that if you let your son install a new shower head, he won't tighten it properly. So when you turn the shower on, it will shoot out at rocket speed, hitting you in the face. Then when you grab the shower handle to prevent yourself falling backwards, you will just rip that out and hit your head again. FML

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By yourmainman - Canada

Today, after months of lacking intimacy in our relationship, my girlfriend decided to spice things up by covering her naked body with whipped cream. Except, we didn't have any in the fridge, so instead I had to politely lick shaving cream off of her while fighting the urge to vomit. FML

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By MovingOut - Saint Vincent and the Grenadines

Today, my parents grounded me because I refused to do my little sister's homework for her. FML

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By wet - United States

Today, the toilet on the top floor of my house burst, soaked the bathroom, and water dripped down into the kitchen and the basement for hours when nobody was home. Eight blowers and a dehumidifier later, the house is about 90 degrees and I can't leave. FML

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By firefromherlips - United States - Gallatin

Today, I found out the position I thought I had earned by working hard was only to separate me from my coworkers because I "talked too much". Instead of addressing the issue like adults, I've essentially been put in time-out. FML

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By Dogmom

Today, I couldn’t tell that my puppy had an upset stomach before I left for work. I came home to her covered in shit inside her crate. After cleaning her up and almost being done with the mess, my husband found where she had tried to lick herself clean and then vomited it up in our bedroom. FML

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By West of the day - 22/9/2020 05:01

Forever Alone

Today, I've been feeling horny a lot lately, so I downloaded Tinder and subscribed to Tinder Gold. The only matches I've had are with bots and people saying 'subscribe to my Instagram for premium content.' FML

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806

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By peoplesuck - United States

Today, I stayed up all night to study for my anatomy final at 9 a.m. I studied outside the testing room in the hall all night. Apparently I feel asleep with my headphones as my friend woke me up after walking out of the test asking how I did. 300 classmates walked by and no one woke me up. FML

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67982

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By Anonymous

Today, like every day for the past year or so, I went for a walk. And like every time I go for a walk, I got severely winded halfway through. I have no medical issues like asthma, I’m just out of shape. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my parents scoured my browser history, certain that I have a hidden Facebook account that I'm using to get up to no good. Their reasoning was that there's no way my only friends are my relatives and that all I can post about is about the weather. FML

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By Anonymous - New Zealand - Napier

Today, a guy asked for my number at the grocery store, but I politely told him I wasn't interested. He followed me home and took a shit on my doorstep. FML

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By peevedemployee - United States

Today, we got our Christmas bonuses. Instead of money, the company decided to give us all lunch boxes with the company name on them. I went ahead and put my lunch in mine, then put it in the break-room refrigerator. Apparently so did all the other employees. Now I can't find mine. FML

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By pop_rox - United States

Today, I was riding in a carpool when we passed a church that has a shady reputation. I said "man, all those people are being brainwashed, it's a cult". The lady sitting in the back seat behind me says "I'm a member of that church". OOPS. Silence. FML

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By Anonymous - Spain - Zaragoza

Today, an old friend of mine landed in Spain, where he's visiting me. After a few minutes talking about where we should meet, we realized the reason he couldn't figure out where it was, was probably due to the fact that he was in Barcelona. I live in Madrid. FML

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By anon - United States - Bloomington

Today, as I passed by the window that looks out on to my front yard, I saw a man out there so I ran to the kitchen to call the police. The operator asked me to describe the man. It was then that I realized the mysterious man in my yard was the snowman I built yesterday. FML

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By happyasaclam - United States

Today, me and my boyfriend were hooking up while watching a movie. Just as I was getting really into it, he told me to move my head. He couldn't see the television. FML

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By nice one

Today, I finally confronted my boyfriend and asked him if he was cheating on me. He got flustered and said, "Technically, I'm cheating with you, not on you." FML

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By Peach - United States

Today, I found one of my roommate's giant yellow toenail clippings on the counter next to the kitchen sink. When I confronted him about it, he told me the cat must have carried it out of his bedroom and put it there. FML

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By PunkChik27 - United States

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me, saying we're too different. His only example? He likes ham and I don't. FML

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Today, my roommate served me with a two-week’s notice to vacate the apartment, the day before I leave for 10 days of working in a completely different city 150 miles away. FML

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By tbanana95 - United States

Today, I got my crush's phone number. I started texting him and once I told him who it was, he stopped replying. FML

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By Anonymous

Learning curve

Today, my 3-year-old son put into practice the lesson I taught him yesterday, about how to use a larger piece of Play-Doh to pick up smaller bits. Unfortunately, he used this method to pick up a small bit of poo from his pants with a larger bit of poo direct from the toilet. I was an hour late for work. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Federal Way

Today, I had to re-grade a student's assignments because neither he, nor his parents can read "Spanish." I'd written in cursive. FML

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By shh - United States - Scottsdale

Today, during dinner with my wife's family, my daughter suddenly yelled, "DADDY TICKLES MOMMY'S BUM BUM!" I don't think I've ever received dirtier glares in my life. FML

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By ... - United States - San Francisco

Today, I found my 6 year old daughter upstairs lying on the floor with scissors. She was giving "the carpet a haircut." FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I walked in on my parents discussing how to kill our cat, and how to make it look like an accident. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Piscataway

Today, we had to re-live sex ed in my college biology class. Unlike in middle school, nobody giggled incessantly. However, the guy sitting next to me stared at me intensely for nearly the whole three hour lecture. FML

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By WTA - United States

Today, I tried to impress my wife by doing a bunch of push-ups, despite having a bad shoulder. She told me my form sucks and that I'm an idiot. Now I can barely move my arm and I'm going to have to get it fixed. FML

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By LD - United States - Nampa

Today, I witnessed my husband in the shower singing Chicago's "You're the Inspiration" to his penis while manscaping. I guess that's a bond we'll never have. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I walked into my apartment to find my boyfriend of two years screwing my lifelong best friend. I immediately burst into tears. He looked at me and told me I was being too dramatic. FML

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37463

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend decided that vaginal, oral, and anal sex are starting to get boring. Let's just say that my armpit is now drenched in lube. I'm afraid of what he's going to want to try once he gets bored of this. FML

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By WronglySad619 - United States

Today, after mourning and making my girlfriend cancel her big birthday party, I found out my grandma didn't actually die. FML

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18896

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend told my roommate about a trick he had used by filling nail holes with toothpaste when he moved out. When I came home with putty to fill the holes, there were blue spots all over the walls. She had filled them with blue gel toothpaste. Now I get to repaint, too. FML

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By MakeDonaldDrumpfAgain - Canada - Guelph

Today, I discovered that my Dad's family very much supports Donald Trump. They tried to convince me to support his campaign by donating money. We're not even American. FML

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By not getting laid - United States - San Antonio

Today, I was hitting on a girl, and I was sure I could get her to sleep with me. When she finally gave in and was putting her number into my phone, she called my mom and asked her if she raised me to "sexually harass women." FML

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By Ashley

Fire…?

Today, two out of our three smoke detectors were going off. My grandpa won't call the fire department because he thinks our house will be condemned. The alarms are still going off. FML

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Top comments

By reset_button | 0

#631253 - Wednesday 21 October 2009 12:04

Did she fart when you pulled her finger?

By SmilesAlotXD | 0

#631269 - Wednesday 21 October 2009 12:18

its 1 thing to accidently do that but another if she didnt stop u ;)

COMMENTS

By _Noon_ | 0

#631252 - Wednesday 21 October 2009 12:05

Eww, haha. I hope you apologized?

By reset_button | 0

#631253 - Wednesday 21 October 2009 12:04

Did she fart when you pulled her finger?

NathanKett | 0

#631264 - Wednesday 21 October 2009 12:15

Did she at least make a joke about it?

liveBabylon | 0

#631782 - Wednesday 21 October 2009 20:08

aahahahhahhahahahahahahahhahhaa BEST FML I've read :)

nazooer | 11

#631913 - Wednesday 21 October 2009 22:18

Kinky

Fother_Mucker | 0

#1201869 - Saturday 7 August 2010 2:52

Did she wink at you?

By IllegalLight | 0

#631262 - Wednesday 21 October 2009 12:11

H1N1! Don't rub your hands in public places D: For the love of...

By SmilesAlotXD | 0

#631269 - Wednesday 21 October 2009 12:18

its 1 thing to accidently do that but another if she didnt stop u ;)

_Noon_ | 0

#631279 - Wednesday 21 October 2009 12:23

So true xD

Skull_300 | 0

#631350 - Wednesday 21 October 2009 13:50

If she didn't stop you, did you caress her ass next? "She was probably a cougar on the prowl!"

By Peroxide | 3

#631275 - Wednesday 21 October 2009 12:21

"I'm gonna finger bang bang you into my life!!"

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=uLS_HARAYZQ

By violette_fml | 0

#631296 - Wednesday 21 October 2009 12:35

[email protected]

Wow, that would've been awkward.

By playfuldesk | 0

#631313 - Wednesday 21 October 2009 13:03

I wanna finger bang bang u into my life, girl u like to fingerbang and it's all right.

cutiepie87 | 0

#632280 - Thursday 22 October 2009 2:21

LOL'D @ FINGERBANG!!!!!!!

By jts2 | 3

#631322 - Wednesday 21 October 2009 13:16

LOL'D.
South Park Reference makes violette and playfuldesk win this entry.

By sometester | 0

#631326 - Wednesday 21 October 2009 13:22

dddd

By TenebrificTurtle | 0

#631336 - Wednesday 21 October 2009 13:35

Did she fingasm?

TenebrificTurtle | 0

#631439 - Wednesday 21 October 2009 15:37

OMG I am just, I don't know what to say... thank you!