Today, while working at the hospital, I had a patient with a...

By Mew - 4/6/2009 12:07 - United States

Today, while working at the hospital, I had a patient with a blocked bowel. It was so bad, feces were entering into her stomach. While leaning down to talk with her, she threw up. I was both vomited and defecated on at the same time. FML

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Work

Big baby man

Fear factor

Nice neighborhood

By Anonymous - 25/4/2015 07:57 - United States - Helena

Today, my girlfriend confessed that she'd leave me for her ex in a heartbeat. Tomorrow is, or should I say "was", our wedding day. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/8/2011 19:12 - United States

Today, after pulling an all-nighter, I fell asleep at the beach. My friends took the opportunity to bury me in the sand, place food all around me, and wait for a flock of hungry seagulls to attack me. To top it off, they taped it all. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/4/2015 12:28 - United Kingdom - Dundee

Today, it was my 18th birthday and I was told I couldn't get the night off work because a party of 34 had booked into the restaurant. It turned out my family had come in to 'celebrate' by making me wait on them. They were a nightmare, thought it was hilarious to be difficult, and didn't tip. FML

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By The Lone Ranger - 5/10/2010 07:43 - United States

Today, I was given a $25 gift certificate for being Employee Of The Week. The gift certificate was 6 months past its expiration date. FML

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By WhatALoserAmI - 27/6/2016 16:08 - India - Bhopal

Today, an old friend of mine refused to go to a movie with me. Turns out he was sitting in front of me with my girlfriend. FML

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By Garchomp - 9/7/2013 02:08 - United States - Dodge City

Today, working my job, I had to explain to a kid that Pokemon is owned by Nintendo and they don't make it for the Xbox. Upset by this, he took hold of my leg and started biting. I'm also suspended, because his mother complained when I kicked him off me. FML

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By bill219 - 7/12/2012 22:40 - United States - Dallas

Today, I was at the breakfast table when my sister started eating a banana. Before I knew what was happening, I'd somehow popped a boner. I had to wait for her to leave before I could stand up. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/11/2017 15:00

Today, some official photographs went live on our company website. As I took a closer look, I realised I was in the background of one photo unloading boxes from a van. My trousers were halfway down my ass, flashing my butt crack for the whole internet to see. FML

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By Username - 31/8/2011 07:36 - United States

Today, my dad told me I'm no longer allowed to see my boyfriend. Apparently there is a deer camera above my driveway that snaps pictures whenever it senses movement. Too bad I didn't know that when I was giving my boyfriend head in the driveway. FML

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By Margaret - 19/5/2009 15:50 - United States

Today, I was flying back home from college with my Mom. At the airport, the ticket agent tells us she only has one ticket listed for Margaret. My mom and I have the same name. American Airlines thought a Margaret had bought two tickets by mistake, so they cancelled one of the transactions. FML

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By kykynevs - 23/8/2011 07:14 - United States

Today, while at the grocery store an elderly woman farted very loudly next to me. Everyone in the aisle looked our way. The woman pointed at me, and left the aisle. I received many disgusted looks from children and their parents. FML

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By fishfloors - 21/4/2017 14:00

Today, I finally broke down and paid someone to clean my condo. Sometime after she finished, my cat threw up. Then my roomba went off, smearing regurgitated mackerel all over the freshly washed floors. There goes $150. FML

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By lawl - 7/5/2011 13:25 - Canada

Today, my date asked if I could drive his friend home before we went out for breakfast. His friend had blonde hair, big boobs and wore a skimpy black dress. He wasn't 100% sure of her name. I guess I drove home my date's one night stand. FML

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By birdisnottheword - 11/3/2015 13:55 - Canada - Edmonton

Today, the phone rang while I was on the toilet. I asked my 3-year-old daughter to answer it, only for her to loudly say, "Mommy's on the toilet pooping." FML

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By gleefan116 - 28/8/2010 00:18 - United States

Today, my girlfriend, who recently started French classes, and I were having sex. Knowing how whispering in my ear turns me on, she whispered something in French, and I came. Later I found out it meant something like, "You should lose a lot of weight." FML

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By violated ._. - 22/8/2013 22:45 - United States

Today, I did something I'd always wanted to do: I went swimming with dolphins. It was really fun, until I went to kiss the dolphin, and she slipped her tongue half into my mouth. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/5/2010 05:05 - United States

Today, I found out my boyfriend's mom still refers to his ex as 'the daughter she never had.' FML

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By Anonymous - 28/12/2010 05:03 - United States

Today, I got a call from a girl I fell madly in love with 8 years ago. She disappeared from my life with no trace. Turns out she just finalized her divorce, has 2 wild kids, packed on 75 lbs, has $25,000 in debt and is taking meds to keep from going crazy. Now she wants me back. FML

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By lindsey789 - 7/10/2010 04:21 - United States

Today, I was sitting in my room watching TV when I heard my mother obnoxiously yelling for the dog. Minutes later she stomped into my room, swatted me over the head, and yelled at me for not answering when she called. She actually got my name mixed up with the dog's. FML

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By Unclean - 12/3/2020 18:58

Missing the point

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me after 6 months because I told him I loved him. Not because he felt any different than I did, but because the term "love" should be reserved for God, and not be said to mortals. FML

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By Leota - 15/8/2011 16:20 - United States

Today, I received a message on Facebook from a guy I've liked for a year. He asked me if I wanted to hang out, so I said yes. When I walked out to his car later on, he gave me a really confused look. Apparently I was on my brother's Facebook, and he'd never logged out. FML

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By keiler - 6/8/2018 01:30

She'll be single for a looong time...

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because she found out I play video games. No, not that I play too many video games or have an addiction to video games. Just that I play them, period. FML

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By Gordon - 22/7/2009 14:12 - United States

Today, I was standing by the bed naked, waiting for my wife to come out of the bathroom. She opens the door and walks over to me, swinging her hips, wearing pratically nothing. About four feet from me, she trips on the edge of the floor mat, and uses my 'junk' to catch herself. FML

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By gb - 18/8/2011 05:18 - Australia

Today, I was dancing with the 4 hottest girls I've ever seen at a club, and I fainted. FML

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By LetMeOut - 11/11/2013 18:02 - United States - Richmond

Today, my husband got mad at me for not helping take out the groceries from the car. He yelled that I'm lazy, and that he regrets our marriage. I guess he forgot that the door handle on that side is broken and he had to let me out of the car. FML

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By TKDConnor92 - 22/7/2011 10:51 - United Kingdom

Today, I was helping a 7 year old student in my martial arts class with his kicks. My reward? A surprisingly powerful kick to the testicles. FML

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By pussyface96 - 19/9/2012 09:27 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I asked a girl I like to the movies. Wanting her to lean on me and stay in my arms during the movie, I chose a horror film. I screamed like a pussy the whole time. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/3/2011 23:18 - United States

Today, my parents told me that due to my lacking height and weight, I legally have to sit in a booster seat in the car from now on. I'm nineteen. FML

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By sleepy - 3/1/2011 02:58 - Norway

Today, after a two week holiday, I'm returning to work exhausted. I had nightmares about work every single night. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/5/2015 09:59 - United States - Broken Arrow

Today, I was diagnosed with type 1 diabetes. My mom's reaction was, I shit you not, to tell me to "walk it off". FML

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By Anonymous - 14/8/2013 19:47 - United States

Today, a guest of the private beach club I work at asked if I could do something about the water temperature in the ocean. I laughed, thinking it was a joke. She was serious and complained to my boss, saying I was absolutely no help. FML

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By assassinmaster - 4/5/2017 04:00

Today, I saw a kid taking a dump next to my lawn. The good news: his mother picked up the poop to discard it. The bad news: she put it in my mailbox. I now have a pile of smelly brownish tissue-wrapped goo baking under the hot sun inside my mailbox. FML

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By Detroitman125 - 10/11/2018 03:00

Today, my parents told me that they think I've gone off the deep end. I don't drink or take drugs. What did I do? I got McDonald's a couple times after school. FML

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By Harejordan - 4/2/2009 16:44 - United States

Today, I was driving and stopped behind a person at a stop sign. Their car didn't move for about 1 minute. I got out of my car yelling at the person. It was an old woman. She wasn't breathing. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/9/2009 13:25 - United States

Today, I was talking to my sister-in-law on the phone. She brought up the family reunion last weekend and how my family is so strange. I didn't know there was a reunion, I wasn't invited. FML

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By thelandofoz - 14/10/2009 14:36 - United States

Today, I noticed that my clothes had shrunk. My mother seemed to be having trouble with the new washer and dryer so I tried to show her exactly how they work. After my explanation she said "I know how they work. I shrank your clothes to give you some incentive to lose all that belly you got." FML

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By Anonymous - 1/5/2012 19:51 - Canada - Oakville

Today, my new neighbours moved in. I've neither seen nor spoken to them yet; all I know is that they enjoy hammering at the walls for hours on end and repeatedly setting off the fire alarm. All this in the small hours of the morning. I got two hours of sleep. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/10/2009 18:47 - Canada

Today, I had to throw away twenty condoms that were all expired, because that's how active my sex life is. FML

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By rebecca - 10/3/2009 21:31 - Austria

Today, as a bartender was carding my friends, I excitedly asked if he was going to card me. The guy gave me a blank stare before finally replying, "Look, lady, I don't have time to stroke some middle-aged woman's ego." I asked because it was my birthday. I just turned twenty-one. FML

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By K.S.S. - 17/4/2016 02:24 - United States - Rushville

Today, when I tried to break up with my girlfriend of 2 years, she had no idea we were even dating. She thought of all the movies, dinners and "sleep overs" I had with her was because we were such great friends. FML

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Top comments

By DarkMirror | 0

#266298 - Thursday 4 June 2009 20:08

o.O

I think the only thing you can say in that situation is "Oh shit!"

By yer_maw | 0

#266257 - Thursday 4 June 2009 20:03

SCORE!!!! ahaha kiddin on, that's disgusting

Comments

By sarahbella_13 | 0

#266253 - Thursday 4 June 2009 20:02

Gross!

Offspring_fml | 27

#614797 - Sunday 11 October 2009 6:36

Yeah, this reminds me of Southpark. o.O

tampabayfan | 22

#966496 - Tuesday 23 March 2010 2:25

I reply to comment one

hellokittywhore | 0

#1126272 - Friday 23 July 2010 1:42

hehe I remember that from south park. but all I gotta say is. O_O. ewwww poor you

Poepiepiesie | 3

#1424087 - Saturday 18 September 2010 21:52

Yup gross idk how this ever could be an YDI.

shaagy2760 | 13

#5222536 - Friday 7 December 2012 8:30

Dam man your life sucks!!!!!

By yer_maw | 0

#266257 - Thursday 4 June 2009 20:03

SCORE!!!! ahaha kiddin on, that's disgusting

K410 | 18

#5648650 - Thursday 29 August 2013 7:00

Shit so that episode on South Park can happen in real life then

By ravemz | 0

#266261 - Thursday 4 June 2009 20:04

That's horrible. :(

armyofficerwife | 0

#3589655 - Tuesday 15 November 2011 19:05

This seems more like a f her life. Poor woman had crap backing up into her stomach. It's your job to take care of things like that. I don't think she deals with this every day.

By lilmun | 0

#266264 - Thursday 4 June 2009 20:04

hehe I hope u had extra clothes

By blueBerrytaco | 0

#266276 - Thursday 4 June 2009 20:05

Yum how was it

Ngage953 | 10

#5863853 - Thursday 20 February 2014 16:35

You are a sick bastard.

By moomoo88 | 0

#266282 - Thursday 4 June 2009 20:06

Grosssssssss!!!!

Go wash yourself!

By Talia070 | 0

#266283 - Thursday 4 June 2009 20:06

DeLiCiOuS .

By maggie_gxx | 0

#266288 - Thursday 4 June 2009 20:07

urghh sounds like something from a House episode!

alexomAnexo | 0

#927432 - Tuesday 9 March 2010 4:10

No, in House the only thing that happens is a bunch-a people get seizures. Not hatin' on House, I watch the show.

By rosebud_fml | 0

#266292 - Thursday 4 June 2009 20:07

God that's horrible. Was the person ok?

By DarkMirror | 0

#266298 - Thursday 4 June 2009 20:08

o.O

I think the only thing you can say in that situation is "Oh shit!"