Work: Today, while working as a receptionist at a health clinic a woman... - FML

Nearly

01/10/2021 22:55

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34

You deserved it 3

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 94

You deserved it 6

Spicy

Spicy

Lightning Bolt

By LightningRod - 18/10/2021 11:00

Spicy

Today, I have an internal defibrillator from trauma to my heart 12 years ago. I finally experienced for the first time what it's like when it shocks me. Nothing says I'm a keeper like getting kicked in the chest and smacked upside the back of the head with a baseball bat while clapping cheeks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 230

You deserved it 26

Weird flex, but OK

By Anonymous - 17/10/2021 08:01

Spicy

Today, I’m aware that comparing yourself too much to other people can make you unhappy. I now learned that the same goes for comparing yourself to objects. For example, between myself and the shared toilet in my student house, guess who has the most pubic hair? FML

I agree, your life sucks 491

You deserved it 133

17/02/2012 01:29

Today, while working as a receptionist at a health clinic a woman came to settle her account. Before she left, she held out her closed palm and asked if I could put something in the bin for her. I held out my hand and watched many bits of chewed fingernails land in my palm. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 488

You deserved it 2 711

The smell detective is on the case

BO Central

Keep your distance

Missed connections

By Anonymous - 05/09/2021 05:01

Today, I found out the guy I had a huge crush on back in college, and still think of every day, actually did like me back. Except I’ve been married for nearly 8 years to someone else. FML

I agree, your life sucks 347

You deserved it 1 007

15/05/2012 19:27

Today, while I was applying some eyeliner, my cat jumped onto the counter and managed to headbutt me. The wand scratched a good portion of my eyeball, and now for the next few weeks, I will have to deal with the pain of a corneal abrasion. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 958

You deserved it 3 355

05/09/2015 18:47

Today, I decided to bike to work. I normally forget the key to my lock, so I leave it out back and hope that nobody takes it, and nobody does. I finally remembered my lock key so I chained it up. After my 7 hour shift, I walk to the back only to find the lock had been cut, and my bike was gone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 806

You deserved it 1 949

27/11/2011 06:02

Today, I found out why I'm always let off easy when I do something wrong at work. They think I have a mental handicap. I don't. I'm just clumsy and forgetful. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 097

You deserved it 6 032

17/04/2016 20:09

Today, I decided to pick up some breath mints. As I was checking out, the cashier informed me that if I was "planning on getting a girl to stay the night", I'd need the "stronger, more intense brand of mints". FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 084

You deserved it 2 616

13/04/2009 10:46

Spicy

Today, I handed the keys to my Mustang to my mom so she could go car shopping. As she pulled away, I remembered the condom wrappers, sex toy packaging, and empty bottle of rum that was in the passenger's seat of my car. I'm twenty. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 830

You deserved it 82 508

13/10/2011 08:17

Today, somebody ordered pizza and sent it to the house across the street from them, so they could shoot at the pizza guy with an air-soft gun from the upstairs of their house. I was that delivery guy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 493

You deserved it 2 250

29/09/2010 01:36

Today, the woman who sits behind me in class showed up. She shrieks in laughter until she has coughing fits every time anything even remotely sexual is mentioned, including evidence in sexual assault cases. Lectures are 3 hours long, twice a week, and I need this class to graduate. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 450

You deserved it 2 572

05/09/2012 16:13

Spicy

Today, for the second day in a row, I got to hear both of my roommates having sex, through two closed doors and a hallway. This is as I hit my thirtieth month of involuntary celibacy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 366

You deserved it 3 895

03/11/2009 09:25

Spicy

Today, I woke up extremely hungover next to a guy I have been in love with for a while but hadn't seen for ages. Turns out he had a bet going with his mates. He bet he could get me to sleep with him straight away even after not calling me for a month. He was right. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 988

You deserved it 29 013

30/03/2009 04:41

Today, I was at work, about to go to lunch. There were some girl scouts out front selling cookies. I told my manager that I would be using a different exit, and when he asked why, I told him that girl scouts really annoy the crap out of me. The girl scouts out front were his daughters. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 892

You deserved it 64 364

Noooo, not him

By Jenni - 21/03/2021 23:01

Today, my mother arranged for me to meet the man she is planning to marry. Turns out, my future stepfather is also my creepy old boss, who spent 4 months hitting on me before I quit a year ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 088

You deserved it 57

13/02/2012 12:03

Today, I visited the doctor. I had food poisoning last week, which led to diarrhea. The diarrhea was so bad it caused a hemorrhoid. The hemorrhoid somehow became infected. One bad sandwich, and now I have an infected asshole. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 436

You deserved it 2 676

28/09/2015 03:27

Today, I thought my wife and I would reconcile after being separated for eight months. We ended up sleeping together after a dinner date, but she told told me afterwards that she still wanted a divorce. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 925

You deserved it 2 710

18/10/2018 15:30

Today, my friend, who had begged me to buy them a plane ticket after being stranded overseas, blocked me. They didn't even use the ticket. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 626

You deserved it 468

20/02/2010 08:20

Today, I halted a cab. It was 12 degrees and snowing outside. When I went to get in, a man shoved me away and I slipped on ice into dirty snow slush, and he stole my cab. As it drove off, the man flipped me off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 481

You deserved it 2 432

19/11/2015 09:57

Today, I'm 4ft9 "tall" and I always have trouble reaching things that are high up. It's my birthday, and I got three footstools as gifts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 122

You deserved it 2 986

Traumatized knob

By Anonymous - 10/03/2015 19:11

Spicy

Today, I got my first handjob. I also found out today that a girl can pull your skin hard enough to cause it to bleed profusely. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 832

You deserved it 4 571

01/10/2012 23:15

Today, I asked a girl in my building out. She said yes, and told me her fee per hour. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 225

You deserved it 2 743

02/03/2013 13:31

Today, despite the fact of being together two years, and having a daughter, my fiancée still refuses to tell her parents about us. We're getting married in six months. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 754

You deserved it 5 919

Not now

By Anonymous - 08/09/2009 04:16

Spicy

Today, while my girlfriend and I were getting it on, she looked up at me and said, "You look a lot like your brother." FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 075

You deserved it 2 596

07/06/2014 21:37

Spicy

Today, I used a public toilet. After I did my business in the stall and walked out, I was confronted by the sight of a man standing on tip-toes, holding his penis up to the automatic hand-dryer. Doubt I'll get that image out of my head any time soon. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54 611

You deserved it 5 609

24/02/2009 22:57

Today, I asked a very cute fireman for his number "just in case I needed him to come to my rescue"... He told me "Yeah sure!" and scribbled it down. After he walked away I read his note: "911". FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 270

You deserved it 50 184

03/12/2012 04:03

Today, I came home from the hospital diagnosed with high blood pressure. It's caused by stress. My wife had a very long talk with my son about it. All the kid has been doing for the past 2 hours is scream at his Playstation. I'd rather be at the hospital. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 138

You deserved it 3 411

31/10/2009 04:34

Today, I learned why my bathroom has a horrible, seemingly irremovable stench. My cat doesn't squat to pee like a normal cat. She stands up, peeing over the side of the litter tray all over the wall and floor, which are now a permanent yellow tinge. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 091

You deserved it 5 448

27/05/2012 16:06

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend and I were making love. I've been working on a novel for the past six months, and what would have been mid-way through, I accidentally said the main character's name instead of my boyfriend's. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 488

You deserved it 16 842

19/09/2012 06:24

Spicy

Today, I was talking on the phone with my crush. After an hour of talking she told me, "If you were half as hot as you sound over the phone, I'd date you immediately." Maybe I should give up on love and start a phone sex line. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 238

You deserved it 2 693

10/08/2018 14:00

Today, I met the guy who will be my dorm roommate for the fall semester. One of the first things he said was, "By the way, I am into self-massage, so don't get weirded out if you hear noises coming from my room a lot." Great. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 823

You deserved it 171

07/05/2009 21:10

Today, I had a phone interview with my potential new boss. I was getting excited about the prospects of landing a great job. I had nailed every question the man asked me and right after he told me he'll call me tomorrow if he wants me to come in I sweetly said, "Talk to you tomorrow, Love you" FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 318

You deserved it 58 245

14/12/2010 04:13

Today, at my new job, I took some food out to a customer. Walking away, I heard a lady mumble, "Oh my God, you could never pay me enough to wear that." FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 488

You deserved it 3 527

08/12/2010 14:56

Today, my boyfriend refused to have his hair treated against lice, because "men don't have lice". FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 203

You deserved it 3 834

That weird family down the street

By aaaaaaaand I’m single - 24/07/2021 11:00

Today, I brought my new girlfriend home. My overprotective sister got into her face and started the whole, "if you hurt him, I’ll kick your ass" speech. My girlfriend responded by whooping my sister’s ass up and down our driveway. It took both me and my mom to pull her off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 234

You deserved it 210

02/03/2013 18:59

Today, I went to a paintball match with a group of friends, one of whom brought his dad along. His dad is a weight-lifting, wannabe alpha male fucknut who thinks that chokeslamming opponents is a legitimate close-quarters paintball tactic. My broken shoulder disagrees. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 605

You deserved it 3 384

16/03/2010 05:12

Today, I realized my girlfriend has way more friends than I do. How did I realize this? She called me to tell me she was at the beach with her friends and how much fun she was having. I was playing WoW in my room, and my friends don't answer my texts. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 637

You deserved it 26 860

14/01/2010 15:47

Spicy

Today, my sister won a bet. She bet my best friend a burrito that I wouldn't lose my virginity within a year. I am twenty and have to drive my friend to Del Taco so he can buy my sister her victory burrito cause I didn't get laid. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 582

You deserved it 4 378

Dick

By Olivia23 - 08/07/2021 11:00

Spicy

Today, my husband threw an epic temper tantrum because I wouldn’t have sex with him. I recently suffered from a miscarriage and the thought of anything going on down there makes me uncomfortable. He eventually calmed down and said, "Fine, just don’t be surprised if I end up cheating." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 783

You deserved it 173

25/10/2010 17:08

Today, it's my birthday. So far I have received: the news that my parents are divorcing, a dead bird and a pile of shit left on my bed (courtesy of the cat), a rash all over my face, and some slippers from my boyfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 541

You deserved it 3 259

26/05/2019 02:00

Today, I was in a store with my mom. I wandered off, then walked around looking for her. I spotted her, and decided to put on a ski mask to give her a scare for a laugh. I hid around a corner and yelled "BOO!" when I saw her. It wasn't my mom, and I'm now banned from that store. FML

I agree, your life sucks 752

You deserved it 2 081

18/04/2015 14:38

Today, I went on a date with a girl I like. Afterwards, I drove her home, and we just sat there awkwardly. I thought she wanted to kiss me but was nervous, so I jokingly said "What're you waiting for? Christmas?" I guess she took that as a "Get the hell out", because she broke into tears and left. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 434

You deserved it 34 510

28/02/2016 13:53

Today, after meticulously rereading my application, merging references, budgets, academic transcripts and itineraries for an amazing scholarship, I clicked submit, only to remember that the system was on Daylight Savings time, which we don't have in my state! I missed out on $2,500 by 3 minutes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 061

You deserved it 4 605

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Friday 17 February 2012 8:50

you should thrown em down and yelled "AW HELL NO"

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Friday 17 February 2012 8:50

That's beyond disgusting. -_-

Comments

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Friday 17 February 2012 8:50

That's beyond disgusting. -_-

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Friday 17 February 2012 8:53

that's just plain feral! So wrong!

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Friday 17 February 2012 9:35

You should have dropped your hand and looked at her like "I'm not picking that up"

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Friday 17 February 2012 14:04

I'd throw them at her face :-)

JustinComments 3

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Friday 17 February 2012 16:02

43 - So would number 4.. Hours before you wrote it.

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Friday 17 February 2012 16:28

48 - LOL @ you. Chill :-)

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Friday 17 February 2012 20:18

That's why I always hold the trash can out for them, even if I can see it, only need to have something covered in slobber touch your hand once to avoid touching the shit

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Friday 17 February 2012 8:50

you should thrown em down and yelled "AW HELL NO"

sinking_fish 12

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Friday 17 February 2012 10:11

"So I threw it on the GROUND!" :)

lebronesque73091 12

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Friday 17 February 2012 18:30

34- That's hilarious :)

sinking_fish 12

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Friday 17 February 2012 21:56

58- :)

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Sunday 21 October 2012 3:20

Happy birthday to the ground!

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Monday 17 November 2014 22:16

"Welcome to the real world jackass!"

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Friday 17 February 2012 8:50

omg that was me!

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Friday 17 February 2012 9:28

So you're a woman in Australia not an 18y/o male in Canada?

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Friday 17 February 2012 13:11

With a name like Torch anything is possible!! Flame ON!!

JustinComments 3

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Friday 17 February 2012 16:00

42- Flamer would have made for a better joke.

DontClickOnMe 28

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Friday 17 February 2012 8:51

Eww, I would've thrown them at her face.

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Friday 17 February 2012 22:15

First thought: "What the fuck?!!!!!!!"

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Friday 17 February 2012 8:51

Eww, that's nasty. I'd have gave them back. Or thrown them at her, depending how secure my job is.

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Friday 17 February 2012 8:52

Fyl =3

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Friday 17 February 2012 8:53

If you didnt react or slightly made a discusted face, you are a jedhi. Just sayin

japtch 15

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Friday 17 February 2012 11:09

A what?

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Friday 17 February 2012 12:24

Two words: star wars!

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Friday 17 February 2012 8:53

Ew, I would have dashed them in her face. Fuck outta here dirty bitch

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Friday 17 February 2012 8:53

Should've told her to open her other hand cuz u have a surprise for her in ur hand

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Friday 17 February 2012 8:54

For OH&S issues get them to come around or just pull out the bin for them. That's just disgusting and very inconsiderate of her. I used to work at a medical center and the amount of times people expected me to throw their dirty tissues in the bin was ridiculous.