Today, while watching a movie with my girlfriend, I had to go... - FML

By Idiot - 22/8/2009 18:44 - United States

Today, while watching a movie with my girlfriend, I had to go to the bathroom. As I returned, I thought it would be cute to jump over the side of the couch and land next to her. I accidentally landed on her arm and broke her wrist. It wasn't as cute as I expected. FML

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Fear factor

Whatthefuckaburger

Live dumping

By Kulcha - 13/2/2009 11:07 - Australia

Today, I was expelled from school. By my own mother. FML

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By AkaiKitsune - 27/8/2017 04:30

The Trifecta

Today, after blacking out from fever, I found out that the reason I've been feeling so sick is that I've somehow come down with pneumonia, strep, and the common cold all at the same time. FML

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By John jacob - 13/6/2011 06:25 - United States

Today, I discovered a tick on my penis. After a long battle, he finally let go. Four hours later I'm in the hospital. My penis is twice the normal size. I may have won the battle but lost the war. FML

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By 3Airwalk3 - 16/2/2010 05:23 - Canada

Today, I was washing a stainless steel pot at my kitchen job. Every time I pulled it out of the dishwasher and examined it for dirt, I saw something orange inside it. After 3 run-throughs, I realized it was just my shirt's reflection. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/3/2020 08:00

He's a very naughty boy

Today, a Jehovah's Witness followed me around, talking about Jesus. My dad's a pastor. I hear this stuff all day, every day. FML

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By Jade - 16/2/2011 05:55

Today, I woke up in the middle of the night because I was thirsty. In my groggy state, I grabbed the first bottle of liquid I could find, opened it, and took a sip. It was nail polish remover. FML

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By -_- - 13/5/2015 16:00 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my grandpa told me he was going to be eating out tonight, and I asked at which restaurant. He replied "Your gran's room." and winked. I didn't need that mental image, at all. FML

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By "lk07" - 23/4/2019 12:00 - United States - Richmond

Today, I'm stuck in bed with a fever, aches, and nasty cough. My kids and husband had it too, and kept coughing without covering their mouths, despite my asking several times so I wouldn't get sick. FML

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By stubble - 13/11/2009 06:26 - Canada

Today, I had to meet my mother. Being a college student, I decided I was too lazy to shave this morning. She noticed the stubble on my face, and started crying because I'm growing up. I'm 23 years old. My dad yelled at me for making my mom cry. FML

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By 123_omg - 15/1/2019 14:00

Today, I got a surround sound system from my best friend. I didn't even have it hooked up when the sub woofer fell to the floor and smashed. I don't know if it can be fixed. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/12/2010 04:19 - New Zealand

Today, after months of job searching I got a job interview. I also later got a phone call from the manager informing me they burned down, and all current employees will be relocated or dismissed, and that my interview, scheduled for tomorrow, is postponed indefinitely. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/8/2019 17:00 - United Kingdom - Poole

Today, I managed to break my ankle by running it over with the wheelchair I've used on a daily basis for the last 6 years. FML

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By Matei - 12/3/2015 00:36 - Romania - Bucharest

Today, after 4 years of nicely asking, I wrote an official memo to our logistics department, asking for new chairs for my subordinates. The logistics people came and concluded that there are more broken chairs than good ones, but suggested that perhaps we should all go on a diet. FML

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By Jim - 25/1/2011 08:27

Today, during PE I got hit in the face with the ball. Everyone cheered because we got 5 extra points. No one asked if I was okay. FML

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By PeePee - 3/7/2009 19:19 - United States

Today, at work I had to use the bathroom. I asked my boss to watch my register and quickly walked into the bathroom. I squatted down and peed. A minute later I heard someone ask over our walkie talkie system who was using the bathroom. I had been pressing the intercom button while I peed. FML

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By LadySteph12 - 29/10/2009 00:53 - Canada

Today, the guy I was seeing put candles all over his room to make things romantic. As we were getting it on, a plastic bag caught fire next to the bed. He had the brilliant idea to wave it around to put it out. Burning pieces of plastic landed on my arm. FML

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By Lastsecondstand - 6/4/2009 04:39 - United States

Today, I jokingly went over to a an attractive female co-worker and said "you look like you need a hug". She told me she wasn't feeling well and didn't want to be touched. No more than 30 seconds after our encounter she ran to give one of our more attractive male co-workers a hug. FML

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By damnit. - 27/8/2012 03:13 - United States - Saint Louis

Today, I was training a new girl at work. We're always told to find "common interests" with the people we are training to make it less awkward for them. Little did I know that our "common interest" would turn out to be my boyfriend. FML

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By Florida_1827 - 28/1/2011 10:54 - United States

Today, I received the 'special' present my mother had sent me for my 21st birthday. I opened the box and saw that my mother had picked out, accessorized and shipped to me, in college, a doll. FML

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By everybodysfool - 24/12/2009 01:02 - United States

Today, after having an amazing intimate encounter with my boyfriend of 2 years, I put on an old pair of boxers I still have from when I was heavier. He thinks I am cheating on him and doesn't believe I used to be fat. Now he won't talk to me. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/12/2015 23:26

Today, while lighting a cigar, I set my beard on fire. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/2/2016 18:36 - United States - Milford

Today, instead of reaching for some unhealthy food, I tried to eat some dates instead. It was all fine until I bit one in half and saw a rather large, squirming maggot inside. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/5/2013 06:31 - United States - Kokomo

Today, at work, my boss made me go outside and wash people's cars for free. I work at Verizon. FML

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By waj9876 - 9/9/2011 00:34 - United States

Today, my girlfriend told me she knows I've been cheating on her, and is desperate to prove she's "better than that other slut, or it's over between us." I've been pushed down and forcefully kissed ten times now. All because she saw a pic online of me kissing a girl. It was her. FML

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By peevedMcGee - 23/11/2018 17:30

Today, my cat pooped on the floor. After cleaning it up, I’m fairly certain it was not my cat but instead my roommate, who I also suspect is pooping in the litter box. FML

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By whytoday - 14/5/2011 06:50 - United States

Today, on the first day of my nanny job, I wanted to impress my employers with how trustworthy and responsible I am. During the sixty seconds that I went to pee, the two-year-old found a black Sharpie and scribbled all over the wall. Nail polish remover made it ten times worse. FML

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By Ginger - 3/10/2010 18:34 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend told me I should finish school early and get a job so we can get married, because then he'll have enough money to buy the truck he's had his eyes on for our whole relationship. FML

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By mistletoe - 9/12/2013 02:21 - United States - Miami

Today, as a pickup line, a guy said to me, "Yo, can I kiss your vag' under the mistletoe?" FML

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By Sedici - 18/12/2011 07:44 - United States

Today, I got screamed at, threatened, cursed, and spat on by an elderly couple for "running them off the road". I was driving an ambulance, lights and sirens on, with a 4 year old in the back who couldn't breathe. They were going 20 in a 50mph zone for 2 miles straight. FML

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By FML - 12/8/2010 16:19 - Canada

Today, my girlfriend's mom and dad walked in on us while we were playing naked twister. FML

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By ygrowup2fast - 23/4/2020 17:00

Tonight, on Grey's Anatomy…

Today, my wife wasn't feeling well. She called her doctor, who isn't seeing patients due to COVID. Had to take her to the ER. After numerous tests, they told her that her potassium levels were low. Diagnosis: eat a banana. When we get the bill(s) from the hospital, this will be the most expensive banana ever. FML

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By anonymous - 13/9/2015 15:34 - Luxembourg

Today, my roommate remembered that we have an essay due Monday, so he wrote the full essay, while stoned, in less than an hour, without using his textbook. It was better than the one I spent all week writing. He is now upstairs having sex, and I've lost all motivation. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/7/2019 18:00

Today, a really pretty girl came into my work, but when I went up to help her, my brain misfired and I accidentally said, "How can I hump you?" She yelled at me, and my manager put me on probation. FML

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By sugarbeet - 4/12/2011 01:39 - United States

Today, I was at my job as a bartender where I had to listen to a 40-something man with no legs drunkenly explain just how much he loves nipples. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/12/2017 01:30

Stay in school, kids...

Today, my son told me he got a tattoo to honour our German heritage. The bloody fool got an eagle and swastika on his arm. I had to explain to a 20-year-old what WWII was. He’s now researching laser removal. Idiot. FML

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By Peel - 13/12/2008 04:53 - France

Today, when I left the restaurant, the very handsome waiter whom I had been trying to tune all night says to me, in front of everyone "But why did you write your number on the table with hearts next to it? You know, I won't call you!" FML

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By Anonymous - 12/10/2010 05:46 - United States

Today, I called my mom for her birthday. She started talking about an infomercial she'd seen for a combo bidet-and-dryer, and how she would like to get one so she can feel "fresh down there" without worrying about getting bits of toilet paper on her nether regions. I can't un-hear this. FML

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By UnicornPancake - 25/4/2018 15:00

Today, I had to dress like a diva for a drama performance and my friend said I looked like a hooker. Then someone said, “If hookers looked like that, they wouldn't get any money." FML

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By 0ptimu5 - 11/9/2009 04:39 - Australia

Today, I saw a cute girl at a night club. When I approached her and introduced myself, she said "Don't you remember me? We danced here last weekend... but you were smashed that night". I cheekily replied "Oh really? That's hot, what happened next?" She said "You were hitting on me. So, I left." FML

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By kippis05 - 17/2/2010 05:03 - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I were waiting for the bus. The weather had been cold and snowy recently, and I realized I'd forgotten my transit card. She nonetheless got on the bus without me. I had to walk it alone in the snow. FML

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Top comments

By SP63_fml | 0

#507944 - Saturday 22 August 2009 23:32

It's a good thing your wrist didn't break, because that's all the action you're going to be getting for a LONG time.

By CFR | 0

#507933 - Saturday 22 August 2009 23:29

Not really cute, no... so how pissed is she?

Comments

By pikachu_01 | 0

#507924 - Saturday 22 August 2009 23:27

Aww, that sucks dude. Ouchh...

Reply

F_U_GUY | 0

#507926 - Saturday 22 August 2009 23:28

Gay

Reply

LMAO58 | 0

#507976 - Saturday 22 August 2009 23:46

quite

Reply

HahaYDI | 0

#508042 - Sunday 23 August 2009 0:14

...why add that end part, it was funny until that last sentence, that just ruined it.

Reply

NEWTROLLINTOWN | 0

#508094 - Sunday 23 August 2009 0:41

I replied to #1 to get higher up, it was totaly worth it.

Reply

ScoobyDoo22 | 0

#508099 - Sunday 23 August 2009 0:44

I'm honored

Reply

NEWTROLLINTOWN | 0

#508106 - Sunday 23 August 2009 0:47

Good, you should be.

Reply

chih | 0

#817253 - Tuesday 2 February 2010 2:00

new sentence. epic...
-.-

Reply

NicoleIAm | 0

#873804 - Saturday 20 February 2010 1:08

Haha I laughed at the last sentence.

Reply

flakes_fml | 0

#972362 - Thursday 1 April 2010 3:05

ydi for using the bathroom

By ispeakart | 0

#507931 - Saturday 22 August 2009 23:29

suckss

By CFR | 0

#507933 - Saturday 22 August 2009 23:29

Not really cute, no... so how pissed is she?

Reply

OneOnJuanAction | 22

#6594109 - Sunday 1 May 2016 20:09

Probably a lot

By AmpulexCompressa | 0

#507934 - Saturday 22 August 2009 23:30

These are the sorts of things you practice beforehand.

By chippa | 24

#507938 - Saturday 22 August 2009 23:31

Hahah, sucks, man. Be more careful next time. ;)

By aznboytellem | 0

#507940 - Saturday 22 August 2009 23:32

sing her a song. and she'll feel better :P
and also kiss that booboo of hers. :D

Reply

repyourcliche | 0

#508046 - Sunday 23 August 2009 0:16

Was that a euphemism?

Reply

natsumosam92 | 0

#515246 - Wednesday 26 August 2009 0:51

a euphemism is when you make something that is offensive, less offensive

By chinolatino | 0

#507941 - Saturday 22 August 2009 23:32

Not very cute... sorry.

By SP63_fml | 0

#507944 - Saturday 22 August 2009 23:32

It's a good thing your wrist didn't break, because that's all the action you're going to be getting for a LONG time.

Reply

kahru1 | 9

#4998328 - Wednesday 3 October 2012 8:51

you sir, deserve more thumbs up...thumb ups? upsy thumbs? positive feedback

By GGnoRe | 0

#507948 - Saturday 22 August 2009 23:33

You fail at being Ninja >:(

Reply

fatema_is_effed | 0

#508794 - Sunday 23 August 2009 6:16

#10 explains everything im thinking.

By ElMundio87 | 0

#507960 - Saturday 22 August 2009 23:37

Here's a rule of thumb: if you think something that you do is "cute", it probably isn't