Miscellaneous: Today, while watching a movie with my girlfriend, I had to go... - FML

By Idiot - United States

Today, while watching a movie with my girlfriend, I had to go to the bathroom. As I returned, I thought it would be cute to jump over the side of the couch and land next to her. I accidentally landed on her arm and broke her wrist. It wasn't as cute as I expected. FML

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Proactive

Sorry…

Gentle prank

By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, my hateful mother-in-law showed up unexpectedly. I faked taking a phone call so the bitter old hag would leave me alone. She then pulled out her phone, called my number, and glared at me as my phone rang against my ear. FML

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By Megan - United Kingdom - Neath

Today, I was forced to listen and politely nod with a smile on my face, as my boss droned on and on, explaining that everything in the universe is slowly getting bigger, aside from him, because he's never felt so short before. FML

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By Anonymous - Austria - Vienna

Today, I had so much to do, I didn't know where to start. So I didn't. FML

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By anotherdayfml

Strong incel vibes

Today, I told a guy that I was on birth control. He decided that it would be best for us not to continue speaking with each other. I never would've thought taking care of myself would be a deal breaker. FML

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By smellay - 14/4/2020 23:00

Close quarters

Today, I had to shit really bad while I was in bed with my girlfriend. Luckily she was sleeping. I didn’t want to be obvious, so I closed all the doors, crept into the bathroom and sat on the toilet. I accidentally let out the loudest fart. I got a text saying, “Walls are thin, you good?” FML

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By Anonymous - 25/8/2020 02:08 - United States - Pittsburgh

Do as I say…

Today, my mother woke up again in a bad mood due to the quarantine and went off on how us siblings complain about each other all the time. Truth is, she's the one complaining non stop about whichever sibling is not in the room. FML

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By Barrel - United States

Today, my wife left me the following voicemail: “Alex, last night was amazing. You took me to places I’ve never been to before. I can’t wait to see you tonight after work.” My name is Rob. We haven’t had sex in two years. FML

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By LoveYouTooMa - United States

Today, I wasn't feeling too well and consequently threw up. In an effort to get some sympathy, I told my mom about what happened. Rather than trying to make me feel better, she yelled at me because I threw up in the bathroom sink "when the damn toilet is two feet away." Thanks mom. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/10/2020 09:01 - Israel - Tel Aviv

Get it out!

Today, I paid movers $125 to move a couch into my house that's much too large for the space. FML

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By thanxguys - United States

Today, I discovered that when my parents offered to help me pay for college, what they really meant is they would get the forms for me to apply for student loans. FML

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By Poser - Canada

Today, I was at a bar and met this great guy. He was going outside for a smoke and I wanted to go too. Since I don't smoke, I decided to borrow one of my friends cigarettes as an excuse to go outside with him. As I was lighting the cigarette, he pointed out that I was lighting the wrong end. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, someone burgled my hotel room. As always, I had locked my passport, extra cash, and other valuables in the closet safe, so I thought the losses would be superficial. What a discovery that the safe hadn't been fastened to the closet shelf, so the thief just picked it up and took it home. FML

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By XxmegaronixX - United States - Fond Du Lac

Today, my workplace often leaves out "expired" food from the café that our department coincides with, as it is wasteful to throw away perfectly fine cuisine. I soon discovered that the inside of a seemingly normal looking cupcake was actually filled with mold when I took a large mouthful of it. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my dad yelled at me for buying chunky peanut butter. He wanted smooth. Apparently he's "allergic to peanuts." I had to explain to him why his argument made no sense. FML

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By Delicious - New Zealand

Today, I found out that the shower sponge I've been using for a while now is the very same sponge my friends used to wipe up my vomit when I was drunk. I have been exfoliating a puked on sponge for more than a month. FML

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By krray

Suspense

Today, I was walking up the stairs with my lunch behind a heavy co-worker. His arms were full, and step by step, as we went up the stairs his pants dropped a little further. By the time we reached the top, his knickers were below his knees and it was a full moon. I prayed he wouldn't fart on my food. FML

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By AussieG75 - United States - Lakewood

Today, I was making tea when I smelled something burning. My very fluffy cat had put his tail right next to the open flame and burnt his fur. Now I have a semi-hairless cat and a very smelly apartment. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/3/2021 02:01 - United States - Great Mills

A new enemy

Today, my cat jumped into my lap and sat on my headphone cord. I tried to get it out from under her by pulling on it. Big mistake. My cat is now eyeing the cord and will attack it if I move it again. I have expensive headphones and the cord is not interchangeable. FML

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By XxJennJennXxX - United States

Today, I got fired. My coworker decided to imitate my voice, stand outside of my boss's office door, and say insulting things about his daughter. FML

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By notmansbestfriend - United States - Williamsburg

Today, I was stuck on the toilet for hours after eating some questionable seafood. During this time, I watched through the open door as my dog destroyed the nice shoes I just bought, as well as the tux I rented for my sister's wedding. The wedding is in 12 hours. FML

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By Dumbass

Today, I got too drunk at a party and cracked a tooth from opening a beer bottle with my teeth, farted something nasty in a room alone with someone, tried to climb a tree and fell out, and watched my crush make out with his new girl. FML

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By shygirl - United States - Sterling Heights

Today, my sister got married. It was also the day that I was supposed to deliver a heartfelt toast to the happy couple. I got so nervous that I kept stuttering and finally ended with "Congrats Beth and Steve!" Her husband's name is Eric. Her ex was named Steve. FML

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By yeetyeet - United States - Whitehall

Today, we were taking a bio quiz and I understood the subject, so the people sitting behind me asked me to help them out. Being a kind fellow classmate, I did. When the teacher got suspicious, she asked the class, "How are all of you getting the same answers?" everyone pointed directly at me. FML

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By XxtentaculonxX - United Kingdom - Oban

Dweebs

Today, I was chatting to a friend on Facebook about girls, and why we're single. We somehow ended up admitting to one another that we'd never get girlfriends, finding out that we both like hentai porn, and trading info on Japanese sex toys. FML

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By superdriver - Mexico

Today, I was driving with my parents while explaining that young people like myself are better drivers because we have better reflexes. My explanation was suddently interrupted with the sound of me crashing the car against a parked car. FML

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By it's just a name - Canada - Saint Albert

Today, my husband and I found the perfect house, in our price range and everything we wanted in a house. However, the street it's on is called "Arbour Butte Road". My husband refuses to buy it because he doesn't want it to sound like he lives "in a tree's ass." I'm married to an idiot. FML

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By elmoisdead2131 - 9/2/2021 14:01

Hey, well, happy birthday anyway

Today, my parents took me out to dinner. I thought they were taking me because it's my birthday. Turns out they are getting divorced. They forgot it was my birthday. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had a science test. A question asked, "What is the first stage of photosynthesis?" I didn't know, so just trying to be light-hearted, I wrote, "The plant must first believe in itself." My teacher didn't think it was funny, and gave me detention for insulting her intelligence. FML

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By kise - France - Paris

Today, drunk at a party, I leaned through a window to throw up. I was outside. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/11/2020 20:02

Welcome back!

Today, it's the last day of my three-week vacation, during which I couldn't go anywhere due to COVID and lockdown. I just learned that some of my colleagues are infected and I will have to fill in for two department superintendents at the same time when I go back to work tomorrow. FML

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By ugh - United States - Tampa

Today, my boyfriend came to my work, at a drive thru, in my car, and then got mad at me because I wouldn't give him free food. In his anger, he put my car in reverse and backed out of line very quickly, only to smash into a paying customer. FML

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By scarlet5000 - United States

Today, there was a traffic accident on the highway which I normally take. I couldn't resist laughing at the driver since he was stupid enough to rear-end someone on the highway. What I didn't realize is that I forgot to pay attention to the road and rear-ended the car in front of me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, a hummingbird somehow got into my house. I spent two and a half hours trying to get it out after finally using a blanket to catch it. I run outside to release it from my hands, and it flew back into my house. FML

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By

Today I had a narrow escape with a nailgun that nailed my workboot to the floor but luckily missed my foot. After I calmed down and changed boots I returned to the nailgun, started working again and barely 30 seconds later I managed to nail my thumb to a piece of wood. Man, I'm bad at my job. FML

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By sonofanut - United States

Today, I found out my mom has been stealing from me to pay for Scientology courses. FML

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By notatherapist - Netherlands - Huizen

Today, my boyfriend and I were roleplaying therapist and patient in bed. When I playfully asked him what bothered him, he told me his mother hates him and burst into tears. FML

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By Anonymous

Waste moment

Today, I went out drinking with my friends and my boyfriend met me there. We decided then to come home and planned an intimate moment. I got on top of him and went to kiss his neck. Next thing I know, I fell asleep right before we started. FML

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By caterinette - Portugal

Today, it was my turn to open the bar I work at. As I walked into our terrace, I found our insane upstairs neighbour leaving the scene without a word. This was right before I spotted the steaming pile of dung she'd left behind. FML

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By EmoToyBoy - 30/4/2020 14:00

Spiritual connection

Today, my girlfriend told me that she doesn't want a physical relationship, but an emotional one instead. I said that I was fine with that, as long as we talked things through in the future. She dumped me there and then, because "no straight guy would agree to that." FML

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By :-O

Today, I came home from work early only to find my naked roommate in the living room with his ass in the air. Apparently, he was doing an experiment to see if you can launch a ball of tissue paper into the air by placing it on your bare anus and farting. FML

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Top comments

By SP63_fml | 0

#507944 - Saturday 22 August 2009 23:32

It's a good thing your wrist didn't break, because that's all the action you're going to be getting for a LONG time.

By CFR | 0

#507933 - Saturday 22 August 2009 23:29

Not really cute, no... so how pissed is she?

COMMENTS

By pikachu_01 | 0

#507924 - Saturday 22 August 2009 23:27

Aww, that sucks dude. Ouchh...

Reply

F_U_GUY | 0

#507926 - Saturday 22 August 2009 23:28

Gay

Reply

LMAO58 | 0

#507976 - Saturday 22 August 2009 23:46

quite

Reply

HahaYDI | 0

#508042 - Sunday 23 August 2009 0:14

...why add that end part, it was funny until that last sentence, that just ruined it.

Reply

NEWTROLLINTOWN | 0

#508094 - Sunday 23 August 2009 0:41

I replied to #1 to get higher up, it was totaly worth it.

Reply

ScoobyDoo22 | 0

#508099 - Sunday 23 August 2009 0:44

I'm honored

Reply

NEWTROLLINTOWN | 0

#508106 - Sunday 23 August 2009 0:47

Good, you should be.

Reply

chih | 0

#817253 - Tuesday 2 February 2010 2:00

new sentence. epic...
-.-

Reply

NicoleIAm | 0

#873804 - Saturday 20 February 2010 1:08

Haha I laughed at the last sentence.

Reply

flakes_fml | 0

#972362 - Thursday 1 April 2010 3:05

ydi for using the bathroom

By ispeakart | 0

#507931 - Saturday 22 August 2009 23:29

suckss

By CFR | 0

#507933 - Saturday 22 August 2009 23:29

Not really cute, no... so how pissed is she?

Reply

OneOnJuanAction | 22

#6594109 - Sunday 1 May 2016 20:09

Probably a lot

By AmpulexCompressa | 0

#507934 - Saturday 22 August 2009 23:30

These are the sorts of things you practice beforehand.

By chippa | 24

#507938 - Saturday 22 August 2009 23:31

Hahah, sucks, man. Be more careful next time. ;)

By aznboytellem | 0

#507940 - Saturday 22 August 2009 23:32

sing her a song. and she'll feel better :P
and also kiss that booboo of hers. :D

Reply

repyourcliche | 0

#508046 - Sunday 23 August 2009 0:16

Was that a euphemism?

Reply

natsumosam92 | 0

#515246 - Wednesday 26 August 2009 0:51

a euphemism is when you make something that is offensive, less offensive

By chinolatino | 0

#507941 - Saturday 22 August 2009 23:32

Not very cute... sorry.

By SP63_fml | 0

#507944 - Saturday 22 August 2009 23:32

It's a good thing your wrist didn't break, because that's all the action you're going to be getting for a LONG time.

Reply

kahru1 | 9

#4998328 - Wednesday 3 October 2012 8:51

you sir, deserve more thumbs up...thumb ups? upsy thumbs? positive feedback

By GGnoRe | 0

#507948 - Saturday 22 August 2009 23:33

You fail at being Ninja >:(

Reply

fatema_is_effed | 0

#508794 - Sunday 23 August 2009 6:16

#10 explains everything im thinking.

By ElMundio87 | 0

#507960 - Saturday 22 August 2009 23:37

Here's a rule of thumb: if you think something that you do is "cute", it probably isn't