Miscellaneous: Today, while watching a movie with my girlfriend, I had to go...

Nearly

01/10/2021 22:55

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15

You deserved it 2

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 81

You deserved it 5

Spicy

Weird flex, but OK

By Anonymous - 17/10/2021 08:01

Today, I’m aware that comparing yourself too much to other people can make you unhappy. I now learned that the same goes for comparing yourself to objects. For example, between myself and the shared toilet in my student house, guess who has the most pubic hair? FML

I agree, your life sucks 350

You deserved it 92

Nice try, though

By Anonymous - 16/10/2021 20:00

Today, I bought a $100 Victoria's Secret gift card for an ex who I still have a thing for, only to find out she started dating someone else a week ago. I just realized I bought lingerie for her to wear for someone else. FML

I agree, your life sucks 142

You deserved it 1 256

22/08/2009 18:44

Today, while watching a movie with my girlfriend, I had to go to the bathroom. As I returned, I thought it would be cute to jump over the side of the couch and land next to her. I accidentally landed on her arm and broke her wrist. It wasn't as cute as I expected. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 786

You deserved it 38 692

Miscellaneous

BO Central

Our house, in the middle of our street

For the life of him indeed

24/03/2016 14:03

Today, I managed to have 17 different nosebleeds throughout the most important job interview of my life. I managed to bleed all over my own suit, my résumé, the carpet, and the corridor leading to the bathroom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 601

You deserved it 1 531

07/03/2009 18:36

Today, my boyfriend and I were out to eat. The waiter came and asked what we wanted. My boyfriend said he wanted a cheeseburger and I told the waiter I'd have the same. My boyfriend looked at me and said, "Are you sure you don't want a salad?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 65 590

You deserved it 8 223

06/07/2009 19:21

Today, being on my boyfriend's street bike for ten minutes gave me an orgasm. My boyfriend of three years, who constantly tries so hard to get me to, has never given me an orgasm. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 059

You deserved it 7 228

30/12/2012 19:21

Today, I returned to Germany for a break from my studies abroad. I got lost while out for groceries, so I tried asking a guy for directions. I went totally blank and strained to think of the right words, prompting him to mutter about rude foreigners not bothering to learn the local language. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 882

You deserved it 5 334

30/10/2013 22:27

Today, I found out that, although I have the same job title and complete the same work as my male colleagues, I get paid 15% less, purely because I'm a girl. FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 611

You deserved it 8 672

10/09/2012 04:26

Today, the girl I've secretly loved for years finally noticed me. That is, after I ran over her foot with my truck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 133

You deserved it 7 379

24/02/2010 06:29

Today, I had a seizure at work. My boss walked by and saw me, but didn't help or do anything because he thought I was "picking something up off the floor." FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 481

You deserved it 2 229

24/08/2009 11:33

Today, I had a double wedding with my sister. My mother, being as encouraging as she always is, told us that statistics say one of our marriages will end in divorce. She then explained she thinks it'll be mine because I'm 'a self-absorbed bitch'. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 569

You deserved it 8 909

Science has gone too far

By Amanda - 15/09/2021 13:00

Today, I went in for a full hysterectomy due to medical issues. I came out being 6 weeks pregnant. FML

I agree, your life sucks 908

You deserved it 134

20/04/2011 14:15

Today, at work, I spent half an hour trying to convince an elderly customer that no, I wasn't a messenger sent by the devil to take her soul to hell. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 300

You deserved it 3 567

11/09/2018 22:00

Today, while delivering pizza, a customer got mad at me and accused me of not having a GPS, then cussed me out and hung up. The address he gave me was a parking lot with 6 cars, none of which were his. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 700

You deserved it 145

08/06/2009 23:24

Today, I was camping. Me and this really cute girl were hitting it off real nice. It was the last night so we both headed over to my tent to have sex. I was just about to get it in when a raccoon ripped my tent causing the girl to scream and runaway. I got cockblocked by a raccoon. FML

I agree, your life sucks 77 020

You deserved it 9 263

15/10/2011 05:13

Today, I went shopping with my mom. I went into my department and tried on some clothes. After a few minutes, there is an announcement that a child has gone missing. Staff are searching the store. I see my mom and she hugs me in tears and yells, "I found her!" I'm almost 17. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 809

You deserved it 3 619

09/08/2016 15:43

Today, my grandfather gave me a whole box of records to go with my new record player. When I thanked him, he said he'd been needing to get rid of them anyway because classical music makes him horny. I definitely didn't need to know that. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 854

You deserved it 1 114

22/07/2010 06:44

Today, my girlfriend's father sent me a text message that simply stated "You ruined my relationship with my daughter." I wanted to ask him for his blessing to marry his daughter. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 958

You deserved it 3 380

11/11/2018 14:00

Today, I was babysitting for a friend who develops software. After the baby was asleep, I was watching anime on my iPad. Turns out he created an app that alerts his phone whenever potential adult content streams through his internet. It was just an anime, but he's convinced I was watching porn. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 177

You deserved it 406

Nothing

By Anonymous - 26/02/2020 01:00

Today, I realized that I'm on the top of not having my drivers license/ state ID (I was submitting my taxes and needed it) I also threw away my brand new passport because I thought it was trash in my boyfriends car. FML

I agree, your life sucks 476

You deserved it 2 370

01/12/2010 14:14

Today, I told my students that I would be taking a few weeks off because a member of my family is very ill. They all cheered. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 426

You deserved it 9 652

Worn out

By Anonymous - 18/11/2010 16:09

Today, while my boyfriend was going down on me, he fell asleep right between my legs. The worst part was I only noticed when he started snoring. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 786

You deserved it 5 948

28/05/2016 23:05

Today, my brother "borrowed" my car and keys without asking me. He came back 4 hours later, alone and pale faced. It took half an hour of questions, interrogation, and finally threats before he admitted that my car is sitting in a ditch a few miles away, probably totaled. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 203

You deserved it 871

30/06/2009 14:45

Today, I woke up to my boyfriend throwing my birth control box at me and shouting that I was a slut for cheating on him since we never had sex. I attempted to explain the birth control was for a condition I have that causes my period to be non-existent. He didn't believe me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 72 106

You deserved it 7 311

29/01/2015 18:32

Today, I woke up after taking the new sleeping pills I was prescribed for my insomnia. I slept for 12 hours and had 5 missed calls from my boss. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 132

You deserved it 2 842

30/04/2016 00:11

Today, I was laying on the couch with a cast on my broken ankle. My brother thought it would be funny to shoot my cast with a high-powered pellet gun. It went straight through the cast and now I need to go back to the hospital. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 634

You deserved it 1 314

23/09/2009 20:48

Today, I bought a fish bowl and a fish for $15. I brought him home and sat him on my desk. Everything was going well until the shelf gave out and his bowl slid off of the shelf... onto my $2,000 computer. The computer is fried and is not covered by the insurance, the fish is fine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 601

You deserved it 11 044

21/08/2015 19:02

Today, I overheard my husband telling his friend that he wished a zombie apocalypse would happen in real life, so he could take me out back and shoot me without having to worry about going to prison. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 448

You deserved it 2 610

18/05/2009 16:46

Today, the man I was going to dinner with got me the most expensive necklace. We got to the table he had reserved when his friend comes and sits with us. Somehow the subject of getting it on comes up. My date then says "expensive jewelry - one way ticket to her pants". FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 920

You deserved it 6 687

25/05/2011 05:28

Today, I was so lonely that I was comforted by the sound of mice running through the walls of my apartment. I left cheese and peanut butter out for them to find so that I could at least have a pet for company. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 881

You deserved it 9 828

03/10/2018 13:30

Today, I went to play pool with a couple of friends. I'm not very good at this game. My friend beat me fair and square. Twice. He's blind. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 675

You deserved it 615

15/04/2012 04:24

Today, I played a game with my boyfriend. The point of the game is to write down everything you like about someone. I put down at least ten things for him. He had one thing down for me: my boobs. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 021

You deserved it 6 005

25/03/2013 18:36

Today, I was freshening up my makeup in the car before a date. An old lady walked by and said through my open window, "Don't bother. There's no helping you, honey." FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 129

You deserved it 4 531

We got a reader!

By Anonymous - 28/09/2012 05:18

Today, my new boyfriend came over to my apartment for the first time. Up until now I thought he was great, but when he spotted the book I'm currently reading next to my couch, he uttered the immortal question, "Why do you read?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 589

You deserved it 3 768

30/03/2013 06:57

Today, I was cast as beast in my high school's production of Beauty and the Beast. My Grandma's input? "At least they won't need any makeup." FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 083

You deserved it 3 844

09/03/2010 02:24

Today, I returned home from a 2-day trip. Before I left, I told my brother to move my car across the street when the street cleaner passes by. Turns out, he used all my gas and got so wasted he forgot to move my car. I got a big ticket that he said he'd pay for. He's unemployed and lives off me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 790

You deserved it 4 924

20/01/2010 18:21

Today, I decided to treat my yeast infection over the counter to avoid going to the doctor. Too bad I didn't read the directions. Now I have to go to the doctor to get the tip of the applicator removed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 734

You deserved it 38 858

17/01/2016 08:19

Today, my pregnancy hormones were so bad, I broke down crying because my cat sat on my husband's lap instead of mine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 897

You deserved it 2 824

24/07/2009 10:01

Today, I was in an elevator with my dad and several strangers. When the elevator voice said, "Going down," my dad excitedly said, "Man, I love it when she says that!" loudly enough for everyone to hear. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 978

You deserved it 4 674

07/08/2012 23:45

Today, I decided to help the homeless by giving them old clothes and food. In return, they decided to mug me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 583

You deserved it 2 953

31/12/2009 03:28

Today, I was making out with a really hot guy in a Jacuzzi. He had the biggest booger hanging out of his nostril, but I was too embarrassed to say anything to him about it. He went in for a kiss. Soon after our lips parted, he said, "Oh, you have big booger." FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 880

You deserved it 36 244

24/12/2016 05:59

Today, I had routine surgery and should have been discharged on the same day. Now due to an avoidable mistake the surgeon made I'll be staying in hospital over Christmas. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 300

You deserved it 419

25/01/2011 06:10

Today, I found out my boyfriend of 5 years has been cheating on me with a Realtor. The same Realtor who helped me sell my condo so I could move in with my boyfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 040

You deserved it 2 998

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SP63_fml 0

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Saturday 22 August 2009 23:32

It's a good thing your wrist didn't break, because that's all the action you're going to be getting for a LONG time.

CFR 0

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Saturday 22 August 2009 23:29

Not really cute, no... so how pissed is she?

Comments

pikachu_01 0

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Saturday 22 August 2009 23:27

Aww, that sucks dude. Ouchh...

F_U_GUY 0

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Saturday 22 August 2009 23:28

Gay

LMAO58 0

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Saturday 22 August 2009 23:46

quite

HahaYDI 0

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Sunday 23 August 2009 0:14

...why add that end part, it was funny until that last sentence, that just ruined it.

NEWTROLLINTOWN 0

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Sunday 23 August 2009 0:41

I replied to #1 to get higher up, it was totaly worth it.

ScoobyDoo22 0

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Sunday 23 August 2009 0:44

I'm honored

NEWTROLLINTOWN 0

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Sunday 23 August 2009 0:47

Good, you should be.

chih 0

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Tuesday 2 February 2010 2:00

new sentence. epic... -.-

NicoleIAm 0

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Saturday 20 February 2010 1:08

Haha I laughed at the last sentence.

flakes_fml 0

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Thursday 1 April 2010 3:05

ydi for using the bathroom

ispeakart 0

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Saturday 22 August 2009 23:29

suckss

CFR 0

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Saturday 22 August 2009 23:29

Not really cute, no... so how pissed is she?

OneOnJuanAction 22

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Sunday 1 May 2016 20:09

Probably a lot

AmpulexCompressa 0

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Saturday 22 August 2009 23:30

These are the sorts of things you practice beforehand.

chippa 24

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Saturday 22 August 2009 23:31

Hahah, sucks, man. Be more careful next time. ;)

aznboytellem 0

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Saturday 22 August 2009 23:32

sing her a song. and she'll feel better :P and also kiss that booboo of hers. :D

repyourcliche 0

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Sunday 23 August 2009 0:16

Was that a euphemism?

natsumosam92 0

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Wednesday 26 August 2009 0:51

a euphemism is when you make something that is offensive, less offensive

chinolatino 0

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Saturday 22 August 2009 23:32

Not very cute... sorry.

SP63_fml 0

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Saturday 22 August 2009 23:32

It's a good thing your wrist didn't break, because that's all the action you're going to be getting for a LONG time.

kahru1 9

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Wednesday 3 October 2012 8:51

you sir, deserve more thumbs up...thumb ups? upsy thumbs? positive feedback

GGnoRe 0

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Saturday 22 August 2009 23:33

You fail at being Ninja >:(

fatema_is_effed 0

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Sunday 23 August 2009 6:16

#10 explains everything im thinking.

ElMundio87 0

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Saturday 22 August 2009 23:37

Here's a rule of thumb: if you think something that you do is "cute", it probably isn't