Health: Today, while walking barefoot through my house, I saw something... - FML

By owmyfoot - United States - Sacramento

Today, while walking barefoot through my house, I saw something shine on the floor across the hallway. Curious as to what it was, I rubbed my foot across the carpet to feel it. It wasn't until it was deeply lodged in my foot did I realize it was an open safety pin. FML

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Proactive

Walk on the wild side

Commando

By Missyangel - United States

Today, my 7 year old looks at me and states, "When I grow up Mommy I want to be fat just like you." FML

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By last literate - Canada

Today, my boss made me run yet another stupid errand. When I delivered the paperwork to his office, I saw an email printout on his desk. Apparently, he has a plan in the works to get me "fried" next month. I'm not sure whether to give him a letter of resignation or a bottle of barbecue sauce. FML

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By SG - United States

Today, I was fooling around with my husband on the bed. I was excited as he lifted my arms up in a seductive way, only to roll deodorant under my armpits. FML

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By blahblahblah - 15/4/2020 20:00

Heart of Glass

Today, I was sitting on a stool by the stove while my dad was making stir-fry. The glass lid he had covering the skillet overheated and exploded. As huge shards of broken glass rained down on his only daughter's head, my dad's only concern was whether or not he would have to throw his food away. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I discovered that I needed to reapply for my job in order to have a chance at keeping it. The applications closed yesterday. FML

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By Imretarded - United States

Today, I saw my mom naked as she came out of the shower. I realized that's the first time I've ever seen a naked woman. I'm a 24 year old guy. FML

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By Not turnt - United States - New Hyde Park

Today, I realized the only reason my mom trusts me to stay home alone for long periods of time is because I don't have enough friends to throw a party. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I gave my sister some Lubriderm for a skin condition we share. While she was applying the lotion I joking said "Wouldn't it be funny if it made it worse?" Guess who got punched in the face, twice, because it did. FML

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By Uglyshirts - South Africa

Today, I was the first one to wear the ugly corporate shirts we received. The people in my office-all of them guys were all saying that it looked a lot better than they thought it would. Later that day I went to the toilet and saw the shirt gapes open in front and you could see my boobs. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend sent me a text that said, "I can't be seen with you anymore. You're too fat." FML

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By Aaron - United States

Today, I walked to my local McDonald's. I spent the last 7 dollars I had on my meal. As I began to walk back to my dorm, I was mugged. I explained to them I had no money, so they stole my food. FML

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By Anon. - United States

Today, for my girlfriend's birthday, I got her an external hard drive and my grandmother's engagement ring. When she opened both boxes, I took her hand and looked deep in her eyes and told her to pick whichever she wanted. She took the external hard drive, even though she already has one. FML

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By none - United States

Today, was just like almost every for the past few months; I slept till 1pm, smoked cigarettes, jerked off, went to the store to get coffee, smoked more cigarettes, and sat in my room alone until 4am, jerking off and smoking cigarettes. FML

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By weirdome23 - United States

Today, my "friend" told me I was weird and irritating. Yet she has an unhealthy obsession with Harry Potter, hates people in general, and has a Facebook for her cat. Yeah, I'm the weird one. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, we'd booked a spot for 20 people for my grandma's birthday. Turns out the reservation didn't go through. Now 20 people are waiting inside and outside for a group of old people to finish eating. They just barely got their food. FML

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By Beaten - United States

Today, my boyfriend of one year broke up with me. He's been in jail for the last four months. I paid for his very expensive lawyer. FML

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By MgmEboy - Canada

Today, I saw a YouTube video of a guy scratching a knife and a screwdriver on his iPod, and at the end he showed how there were no scratches and the screen was still clean. I took my iPod touch and did the same with a knife. It didn't work. FML

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By Ploeboi - United States

Today, my boyfriend finally got a job. As a clown. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my girlfriend decided to let me know that she almost left me for another guy not so long ago, because he was more handsome and talented than me. The reason she didn't leave: "He's out of my league; you're not." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I woke up to the sound of 4 gunshots from downstairs. I screamed, hid under the bed in tears and called the cops. Turned out my boyfriend hadn't been murdered by a burglar like I thought - he'd found a tarantula in our living room and decided to feed it a face full of lead. FML

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By dargas - United States

Today, while preparing the house for company, I got a call that my sister had a heart attack and died. My wife's response? "Great! Now you're going to be no help to me at all!" FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was fired for actively seeking employment with another company. Because of having just been fired, the other company will no longer give me the time of day. FML

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By URGH - Canada

Today, my friend and I were in her moms car talking about which job was harder: actor or artist. I said, "Art is easy. You just scribble on a piece of paper and call it abstract art." Her mom squinted at me in the rearview mirror and my friend stopped talking. Then she said, "My mom is an artist." FML

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By wallflower - United States

Today, I finally agreed to the threesome that my husband has been trying to persuade me to have. We arranged it with my hot best friend, thinking I would be more comfortable with her. I ended up lying naked beside them, watching them have fun. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I informed my parents that my husband and I are separating after much deliberation. We came to this conclusion relatively peacefully. According to my parents, I'm now Satan, and will end up on the streets as a crack whore if we don't change our minds and stay together. FML

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By no love - United States

Today, I celebrated my 4-year anniversary with my girlfriend. We didn't have sex and we didn't even kiss. All I got to do was cuddle the stuffed Minion she got me for Christmas. FML

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By regretter

Today, I paid €100 to have a tube shoved down my genitals. FML

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By StockedWithJuice - United States - Austin

Today, I found out that my 16-year-old son bought a huge amount of grape juice, because he thought he could store it under his bed and wait for it to turn to wine. FML

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By StickyWicket

Today, at work where I'm a physiotherapist, I was helping a patient with lower back pain. While I was massaging him, he shat himself. FML

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By shmelly - United States

Today, as my boyfriend was unbuttoning my pants to go down on me, he looked at me and said in his best robot voice, "caution, contents may be stinky." FML

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By luvlessbootycall - United States

Today, my boyfriend of three months texted me saying he loves me. I excitedly started texting back, "I love you too." Before I even got done, he messaged again saying, "Can you send a pic of your tits to me now?" FML

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By octoberrain - United States

Today, I brought my boyfriend over to meet the family. After several long moments of silence, one of my sisters burst out laughing, and asked, "Okay, who is this guy really?" FML

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By bezoar10 - United States

Today, my mother and I went to lunch and there is a really cute waiter that works at the diner. I requested him to wait on us like I sometimes do. While we were waiting to be seated, I heard one waiter say to the cute one, "Ya, the creepy one is back, and this time she brought her mom!" FML

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By helluvasinger - South Africa

Today, I went to a karaoke bar that my girlfriend works at. I'm a halfway decent singer, so I picked out a song we both liked and decided to give it a go. Halfway through the song I sneezed, tripped, fell off the stage and knocked myself out in front of my girlfriend and fifty bar patrons. FML

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By TrainedBF - United States

Today, my girlfriend, who is a dog trainer, was telling me all about the techniques she uses at work. I commented on how the dogs must be stupid to fall for such simple tricks, to which she replied "They worked on you." FML

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By Downinthedumps - United States - Flagstaff

Today, at my hotel, I spent over an hour dumpster diving trying to locate a pair of shorts for a spoiled brat that one of the cleaning staff accidentally threw away. When I finally found and returned them to the family, the father insisted they weren't the right ones. Spent all day smelling of trash. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Philadelphia

Today, I was out with my youngest cousin and we had to stop for gas. Since he just got his license, I asked if he wanted to pump the gas while I went into the station to get snacks and pay. He pumped my car full of diesel. FML

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By emonsteadman - United States - Denton

Today, at my job as a lifeguard, I told a teenager to, "Walk please." He then threw his soda at me as he ran away. We aren't allowed off stand unless it's an emergency, so I baked in that soda for 30 minutes. FML

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By rtrim29 - United States

Today, I was told by 'Seventeen' to add liquid highlighter to my foundation for an all-over glow. Little did I know that liquid highlighter is an actual makeup product. I now have an awful rash due to applying the ink from a highlighter pen. FML

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By kenneth

Today, I had to drive 40-odd miles to my grown-ass son's house to kill a large spider on the wall. It had him trapped in his bedroom because his wife had already gone to work. How did I ever raise such a wuss? FML

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Top comments

By jnanderson | 16

#5867246 - Monday 24 February 2014 9:14

"Hey, there's a thin shiny thing on the floor, maybe if I step on it, I'll know what it is!"
-OP

By ZY1431 | 24

#5867241 - Monday 24 February 2014 9:12

well thats just a safe thing to do...

COMMENTS

By ZY1431 | 24

#5867241 - Monday 24 February 2014 9:12

well thats just a safe thing to do...

By drayloon | 50

#5867243 - Monday 24 February 2014 9:12

Safety first

Reply

SirGmoney | 9

#5868075 - Tuesday 25 February 2014 3:15

Brains first.

By jtthegr8 | 26

#5867245 - Monday 24 February 2014 9:14

You could have just looked. I mean if you really wanted to know what it was.

By jnanderson | 16

#5867246 - Monday 24 February 2014 9:14

"Hey, there's a thin shiny thing on the floor, maybe if I step on it, I'll know what it is!"
-OP

Reply

Morqan_Freeman | 14

#5867263 - Monday 24 February 2014 9:26

And that is why I wear socks... and slippers. So I can step on anything in my path, without fear or mercy for what I shall stomp.

Reply

greeneyebeauty9 | 28

#5867270 - Monday 24 February 2014 9:32

There's not much a sock can do in this case. When I've stepped on something pointy and sharp before, my sock didn't do me much justice.

Reply

Voij | 16

#5867285 - Monday 24 February 2014 10:06

At least we now know where the OP got the idea:
"Hmm... this animal looks dangerous. I should poke it with a stick!" - Steve Irwin

Reply

beaglegal | 42

#5867372 - Monday 24 February 2014 13:26

God wears slippers?

By GiovanniPaisa | 8

#5867247 - Monday 24 February 2014 9:14

Wasn't the smartest thing you ever did OP..YDI

Reply

Sangue0608 | 26

#5867319 - Monday 24 February 2014 11:32

or maybe it was

By DocDrose | 20

#5867249 - Monday 24 February 2014 9:15

omg OUCH! put some antiseptic on that and go get yourself a lollipop!

By Bano360 | 25

#5867250 - Monday 24 February 2014 9:16

Not so safety pin

Reply

glabberfasted | 16

#5867288 - Monday 24 February 2014 10:12

Danger pin

Reply

Bano360 | 25

#5867612 - Monday 24 February 2014 18:39

New super villain?

Reply

sonictardis | 8

#5867728 - Monday 24 February 2014 20:09

who would be his nemesis, band aid man?

this is horrible, please ignore it.

By equitationbound | 22

#5867251 - Monday 24 February 2014 9:16

I'm sorry but why would you rub your bare foot on an object to see what it was? It's not that hard to bend down and look.

Reply

mollyjynxjax | 28

#5867295 - Monday 24 February 2014 10:34

Also, shiny tends to mean sharp as far as small objects on the floor go, whether it's glass, a safety pin, a sewing needle etc

By chutney_02 | 22

#5867252 - Monday 24 February 2014 9:17

Your carpet was only giving you a free acupuncture session

By greeneyebeauty9 | 28

#5867255 - Monday 24 February 2014 9:18

Oooorrr you could just bend down and see what the item was. The first thing I think of when I see something shiny on the floor is a thumb tack or some change. To be safe, I definitely wouldn't have put my foot near it. So, YDI.