Today, while walking barefoot through my house, I saw something... - FML

By owmyfoot - 24/2/2014 02:22 - United States - Sacramento

Today, while walking barefoot through my house, I saw something shine on the floor across the hallway. Curious as to what it was, I rubbed my foot across the carpet to feel it. It wasn't until it was deeply lodged in my foot did I realize it was an open safety pin. FML

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Proactive

Last dates

Mystery

By negromancer - 11/7/2009 01:08 - United States

Today, I worked up the courage to ask my crush out for coffee after work. She agreed and I confidently said "Alright, it's a date!" She replied, "Haha a date with you? I'm just going for the free coffee!" FML

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By fitzy79 - 31/1/2014 20:04 - United States

Today, I had to wake up at 4am because my boss set an important business meeting for first thing in the morning. After making sure everything was ready, I went to work. My boss ended up oversleeping and moved the meeting to tomorrow. FML

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By awkward23 - 12/1/2010 10:26 - United States

Today, at a bar, a woman approched me and tried to set me up with her friend. Looking around, the only people in the bar were a man reading the paper and a very ugly woman, looking at me and smiling. I worriedly replied, "I'm sorry, but I'm gay." Turns out her friend was the one reading the paper. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/7/2020 05:01

Move it, now!

Today, I had just gotten out of the bath when a police officer knocked on my door. I answered in my towel, and he told me I had to leave due to a bomb scare. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/2/2010 06:10 - United States

Today, I found out why my boyfriend of over a year is so obsessed with cleaning his entire place before I come over. He's been hiding the ex girlfriend that never moved out. FML

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By anonymous - 25/5/2011 14:33 - Singapore

Today, I inexplicably claimed ownership of someone else's fart in the subway. FML

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By Felix - 5/12/2018 14:30 - Ireland

Today, my 1 month old kitten peed all over my kitchen floor. I wanted to get some water out of one of drawers and slipped on the piss. My phone shattered and i dislocated my arm. FML

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By Fartnonymous - 18/8/2015 10:59 - Qatar - Doha

Today, it's been a week since I started farting in my sleep for no apparent reason. It's so frequent and so foul-smelling that my husband and I are both losing sleep and are having to take afternoon naps to make up for it. FML

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By sarahwittman - 13/6/2011 22:29 - United States

Today, my aunt and I went shopping. When we got to the store, she said she forgot her wallet, and I told her I would buy some things for her. When we were at the checkout, I was a dollar short. She said, "Oh, I'll get it!" and pulled out her wallet. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/7/2020 23:00

The sweet smell of unsuccess

Today, it marks the 3-month anniversary of adopting the 'I don't have the slightest chance at success' attitude at work. In those 3 months, my boss, my coworkers and my boss's boss have all agreed and our relationships have greatly improved. FML

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By A_W - 6/7/2018 19:00

Today, in desperate need of cash to get me by until payday, I decided to pawn one of my nicer possessions, a Coach purse. Today, I learned that counterfeiters are getting a lot better at their profession. Now I have no money AND a fake purse. FML

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By whoopsboutthecap - 15/11/2011 12:51 - United States

Today, my mom called me crazy and told me she wanted to put me in a mental hospital. She did this after repeatedly hitting me with a shoe. Why? Because I forgot to put the cap back on the toothpaste. FML

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By Tib - 18/12/2009 06:42 - United States

Today, I had to take a urine test. I drank a lot of water so that I wouldn't force it. When I got there, I had to pee really bad. The cup was too small and when I relieved my bladder, it was a jet that rebounded off of the cup and overflowed going all over my hands, clothes, toilet, and floor. FML

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By BadKitty42 - 14/12/2009 08:12 - United States

Today, it was my last day at work. I was offered a better job and accepted. Not wanting to leave my present boss hanging, I asked for time to give notice. While I trained my replacement, the owner at the new job had time to think about how slow the season is, and he decided not to fill the position. FML

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By Brodam - 17/9/2020 14:01 - United States - Scotch Plains

Priorities

Today, we began our honeymoon with a Yellowstone Park hike. Wildfires took hold at both ends of the park. We lost all cell service. Her parents and my mom worried, texted and called. My dad just logged into my Fantasy Football team to pick up a running back in this week's waiver wire. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/5/2020 20:00

Vultures

Today, after spending a few weeks getting to know my birth father and thinking he seemed decent, he's realised my adoptive parents aren’t rich and no, I can’t lend him a few grand. Now, he’s vanished and written several nasty Facebook posts about not being able to trust family. FML

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By nicoleee - 29/3/2012 20:16 - United States

Today, I was talking about phobias and anxiety disorders in psychology class. I nearly had a panic attack because I was worried that someone might realize I suffer from them. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/2/2019 18:00

Today, I found myself crying my eyes out over my two favourite fictional characters deaths. It happened over 6 years ago and has affected me more than real peoples deaths. FML

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By best breast - 6/4/2018 00:00

Today, my husband and I hosted Easter dinner. Since I was in my own home, I breastfed without a cover. My sister-in-law stormed out in a rage, screaming that I was being obscene, and equated it to shooting heroin in front of her kids. Happy Easter indeed. FML

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By dumbbb - 27/12/2011 08:30 - United States

Today, I tried to open the door with my mouth because my hands were full. I chipped a tooth. FML

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By toolegittoquit - 18/1/2010 08:28 - United States

Today, I tried to quit my job. My boss just looked at me and said, "No. You can't quit." FML

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By just physical - 18/3/2013 02:45 - Canada - Sarnia

Today, in an attempt to break up with my boyfriend, I told him, "I don't feel a mental connection between us." His reply? "Why do we need a mental connection?" FML

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By fukinlonely - 12/1/2015 12:53 - United Kingdom

Today, both my female flatmate and my gay male flatmate have got their boyfriends round. They've both stuck 'Do Not Disturb' signs on their bedroom doors and are both playing music which doesn't quite muffle the sounds of what they're up to. I haven't had a date in over six months. FML

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By "sanza666" - 26/4/2019 00:00

Today, I shattered a coffee pot at work and ended up with a piece of glass in my eye. Now I have to look like a pirate until its healed, and it's nowhere near Halloween. FML

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By Sylvania - 10/6/2009 23:07 - United States

Today, I was playing a medieval game with my brother, when he took all of his character's clothes off and said, "Let's have sex!" I looked at him and said, "UH YOU ARE MY BROTHER!" He turns and looks at me, smiling and says, "But not in the game!" I am a 19 year old girl. He is 12. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/11/2013 19:47 - United States - Olive Branch

Today, I was at the grocery store, when a little boy looked up at me and asked if I was a prostitute. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/5/2020 14:00

Food porn

Today, I made my boyfriend a vanilla cake for our anniversary. We sat down to eat it and one bite in, my boyfriend gets a weird look on his face. I take a bite and notice that it tastes like corn. I found out later my dad had replaced all the flour with cornmeal without telling anyone. FML

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By samabomination - 2/6/2013 08:29 - United States - Monroeville

Today, my step-dad's three year old granddaughter slept over. She insisted she didn't need a diaper to go to sleep and they put her in my bed with me, actually believing that she didn't need a diaper. Not only did she kick me all night, but I had the joy of waking up to her peeing on me. FML

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By BobbyHutchinson - 20/10/2009 15:57 - Australia

Today, some thug tried to mug me. I panicked and ran. As they chased me with their knife out, I heard a slip and a shout behind me but kept running. Six blocks later I was spotted, arrested and held for questioning by the police. The mugger fell, stabbed themselves and told a cop that I did it. FML

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By Username - 12/1/2010 04:03 - France

Today, I was nervous as hell for my driving test. The instructor told me to drive a straight line in reverse. I forgot to put the car in reverse from drive and drove straight into a parked vehicle. Which happened to be owned by the instructor. FML

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By Cian_1 - 28/12/2016 18:30 - United Kingdom - Herne Bay

Today, it has got to the point that I don't even have to ask for my booze in the local off-licence, they just hand me my bottle. FML

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By vampyrate3562 - 29/1/2015 12:56 - United Kingdom

Today, I had to run for the train, but because of my bad foot and limping they held the train, much to people's displeasure. No one let me sit down, so for the 20 minute journey, I stood. With a bad foot. FML

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By Not-pregnant - 20/4/2014 17:21 - United States - Melbourne

Today, my dad made me stick my gut out and walk around awkwardly, just so I'd look pregnant and let him get away with parking in an "expectant mothers" parking spot. FML

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By brittrod - 5/12/2011 01:13 - United States

Today, when my mother-in-law told me I was losing weight, my husband started laughing. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/10/2009 04:30 - United States

Today, I went upstairs to scold my boys for running in the house because someone could get hurt. As I turned around to come back downstairs I tripped and fell all the way down to the landing at the bottom. I could hear them laughing in their rooms. FML

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By dazedandconfused - 8/12/2016 21:22 - United States

Today, everyone from my job showed up for work because our boss demanded that we have a team meeting before half of the company leaves for the holidays. Everyone showed up except my boss who is apparently already in Hawaii vacationing until New Years. FML

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By Wex - 9/1/2009 09:02 - Chile

Today, I went to the UK for the first time, and had the most amazing time with my girlfriend, catching it all on tape. When I got back to South America, I realized someone had stolen my camera. FML

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By jai90 - 3/2/2014 21:16 - Netherlands - Utrecht

Today, I found a Google search for "erectile dysfunction" in my browser search history, along with pages about treatments for it. I'm a woman, and I live alone. FML

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By sonotsuave - 4/3/2019 06:00 - United States - Arlington

Today, I was tutoring. When my kids were finally working on their own, I stood in my classroom’s doorway to talk to my boss sitting outside about upcoming work. Suddenly, one of my students sitting directly behind me let out the loudest fart ever. I think my boss heard and thought it was me. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/3/2009 08:14 - Canada

Today, I got an e-mail from a guy I'd had a one night stand with. He wanted to get together to talk about it. Turns out he's in rehab and he wanted to address the biggest mistakes he'd ever made in his life. I am a on a drug addict's list of regrets. FML

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Top comments

By jnanderson | 16

#5867246 - Monday 24 February 2014 9:14

"Hey, there's a thin shiny thing on the floor, maybe if I step on it, I'll know what it is!"
-OP

By ZY1431 | 24

#5867241 - Monday 24 February 2014 9:12

well thats just a safe thing to do...

COMMENTS

By ZY1431 | 24

#5867241 - Monday 24 February 2014 9:12

well thats just a safe thing to do...

By drayloon | 50

#5867243 - Monday 24 February 2014 9:12

Safety first

Reply

SirGmoney | 9

#5868075 - Tuesday 25 February 2014 3:15

Brains first.

By jtthegr8 | 26

#5867245 - Monday 24 February 2014 9:14

You could have just looked. I mean if you really wanted to know what it was.

By jnanderson | 16

#5867246 - Monday 24 February 2014 9:14

"Hey, there's a thin shiny thing on the floor, maybe if I step on it, I'll know what it is!"
-OP

Reply

Morqan_Freeman | 14

#5867263 - Monday 24 February 2014 9:26

And that is why I wear socks... and slippers. So I can step on anything in my path, without fear or mercy for what I shall stomp.

Reply

greeneyebeauty9 | 28

#5867270 - Monday 24 February 2014 9:32

There's not much a sock can do in this case. When I've stepped on something pointy and sharp before, my sock didn't do me much justice.

Reply

Voij | 16

#5867285 - Monday 24 February 2014 10:06

At least we now know where the OP got the idea:
"Hmm... this animal looks dangerous. I should poke it with a stick!" - Steve Irwin

Reply

beaglegal | 42

#5867372 - Monday 24 February 2014 13:26

God wears slippers?

By GiovanniPaisa | 8

#5867247 - Monday 24 February 2014 9:14

Wasn't the smartest thing you ever did OP..YDI

Reply

Sangue0608 | 26

#5867319 - Monday 24 February 2014 11:32

or maybe it was

By DocDrose | 20

#5867249 - Monday 24 February 2014 9:15

omg OUCH! put some antiseptic on that and go get yourself a lollipop!

By Bano360 | 25

#5867250 - Monday 24 February 2014 9:16

Not so safety pin

Reply

glabberfasted | 16

#5867288 - Monday 24 February 2014 10:12

Danger pin

Reply

Bano360 | 25

#5867612 - Monday 24 February 2014 18:39

New super villain?

Reply

sonictardis | 8

#5867728 - Monday 24 February 2014 20:09

who would be his nemesis, band aid man?

this is horrible, please ignore it.

By equitationbound | 22

#5867251 - Monday 24 February 2014 9:16

I'm sorry but why would you rub your bare foot on an object to see what it was? It's not that hard to bend down and look.

Reply

mollyjynxjax | 28

#5867295 - Monday 24 February 2014 10:34

Also, shiny tends to mean sharp as far as small objects on the floor go, whether it's glass, a safety pin, a sewing needle etc

By chutney_02 | 22

#5867252 - Monday 24 February 2014 9:17

Your carpet was only giving you a free acupuncture session

By greeneyebeauty9 | 28

#5867255 - Monday 24 February 2014 9:18

Oooorrr you could just bend down and see what the item was. The first thing I think of when I see something shiny on the floor is a thumb tack or some change. To be safe, I definitely wouldn't have put my foot near it. So, YDI.