Today, while walking barefoot through my house, I saw something... - FML

By owmyfoot - 24/2/2014 02:22 - United States - Sacramento

Today, while walking barefoot through my house, I saw something shine on the floor across the hallway. Curious as to what it was, I rubbed my foot across the carpet to feel it. It wasn't until it was deeply lodged in my foot did I realize it was an open safety pin. FML

I agree, your life sucks

19631

You deserved it

40692

Tweet

Share

Proactive

Great boyfriend

Compassion

By peniswoman - 14/7/2013 17:03 - United Kingdom - Paisley

Today, my naked boyfriend walked up to me with my towel around his neck and with a hard-on, then declared he was "The Penis Man" and slapped me with his junk. I thought I was dating a man, not a man-child. FML

I agree, your life sucks

53870

You deserved it

18215

Tweet

Share

By unlovedd - 22/3/2009 05:45 - United States

Today, I suggested that my mother download Skype so we could video chat while I'm studying in London over the summer. After I had explained how it worked and that it was free, she said "Well...you'll only be gone for a few months. It's not really worth it." FML

I agree, your life sucks

66564

You deserved it

4669

Tweet

Share

By kylie - 25/12/2018 00:00

Today, I’m trying to be healthy. My friends suggested I keep junk food out of the house so I don’t crave it. Yeah, that didn’t work. My car wouldn’t start so I actually made the four-mile walk to the nearest grocery store to get junk food. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1144

You deserved it

2558

Tweet

Share

By firsttimer69 - 20/3/2009 06:11 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend and I decided to have sex. I was a virgin and he wasn't. About 30 seconds in he collapsed on me. I thought he was joking around and I started laughing. He wasn't joking. He was done. FML

I agree, your life sucks

151135

You deserved it

15107

Tweet

Share

By what have i done with my life - 21/7/2013 17:46 - United States - Akron

Today, I jokingly told my friend that when a tree seems to sway in the wind, it's really just having an orgasm. Not only did she believe me, she's been smugly informing everyone we know. She's 26. I seem to be friends with an absolute idiot. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43518

You deserved it

5975

Tweet

Share

By jj159 - 25/2/2012 18:40 - United States

Today, I found out that the money my husband and I gave to my son for university courses, has instead been spent on pole dancing lessons. FML

I agree, your life sucks

29965

You deserved it

3732

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 9/2/2017 15:00 - United States - Stevenson Ranch

Play Stupid Games, Win Stupid Prizes

Today, after pranking my roommate several times by putting lube in his hand sanitizer bottle, he got me back by putting sanitizer in my lube. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3723

You deserved it

11771

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 1/3/2013 07:18 - United States - American Canyon

Today, my wife packed my lunch. Inside of my lunchbox was a photo of her eating my sandwiches. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40550

You deserved it

7355

Tweet

Share

By bdsam - 23/1/2018 06:00

Yuck.

Today, I found out that the sleeping mask I'd been using for months was actually part of a BDSM kit. I found the rest of it in my dad's room. FML

I agree, your life sucks

4281

You deserved it

1201

Tweet

Share

By soapisyourfriend - 16/2/2016 06:53 - United States - Ashland

Today, cable was installed at my house and the cable guy smelled like some horrid mix of cabbage and cheese. I'm pregnant and suffering from morning sickness. I've sprayed air freshener, lit candles, and opened windows despite the cold outside. I can't get rid of the smell. FML

I agree, your life sucks

19775

You deserved it

1389

Tweet

Share

By thegreatcometofawayhamilton - 20/10/2017 01:48

Today, I twisted my ankle and fractured my wrist while dancing. I audition for a performing arts school in one week. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3065

You deserved it

255

Tweet

Share

By newkid - 13/9/2016 19:06

Today, I was so lonely, I dragged out a conversation with a lady who called to get me to make an appointment to give blood. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11786

You deserved it

1319

Tweet

Share

By derve - 7/11/2012 23:48 - United States

Today, as my girlfriend and I were finishing up a romantic dinner, she gazed into my eyes for a moment and said, "You know, sometimes you look like a character from Sesame Street." FML

I agree, your life sucks

21108

You deserved it

2151

Tweet

Share

By Evolution mama - 5/2/2014 19:52 - Iceland - Reykjav

Today, I presented my child with the classic "Who came first, the chicken or the egg?" conundrum. In return, I got a detailed lecture on how birds evolved from dinosaurs, how life was created in the sea and an explanation about evolution. I got schooled by a 9 year old. FML

I agree, your life sucks

46090

You deserved it

24136

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 21/1/2010 05:30 - United States

Today, I was drinking from a water fountain. I bent over to sip the water and felt a HUGE slap on my ass. Completely confused, I turn around to see some guy with a horrified look on his face. Apparently he thought I was his girlfriend. And then I saw his girlfriend standing behind him. Giving me the evil eye. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36504

You deserved it

2812

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 12/2/2019 00:00

Today, my new anxiety medicine fully entered my system. It makes me shit my brains out. I can either fart and risk shitting my pants every time or I can be too anxious to even enter a public place. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2101

You deserved it

195

Tweet

Share

By gaagaa - 4/4/2012 03:53 - United States

Today, a lady told me her husband had sinus surgery. I replied, "Oh, I know someone who just had that done." I then realized I meant Alexis on The Real Housewives of the OC. FML

I agree, your life sucks

8124

You deserved it

28229

Tweet

Share

By gvmfvr - 8/5/2014 20:48 - France - Fontenay-sous-bois

Today, my little sister was in charge of doing the vacuuming, when she decided our hamster had "dust on his back". FML

I agree, your life sucks

46023

You deserved it

3942

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 10/8/2010 16:34 - United States

Today, I woke up to find a tick stuck to my eyelashes. The only way I know of to get it off is with fire. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35330

You deserved it

6881

Tweet

Share

By MB - 28/11/2011 06:30 - United States

Today, I called a friend of mine who was recently in an accident. She told me that the head trauma has caused her to lose all sense of smell and taste. To try and cheer her up, I suggested I take her out to lunch. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10746

You deserved it

33920

Tweet

Share

By unemployed - 21/5/2009 19:16 - United States

Today, my boss came storming towards me, screaming just how tired she is with my constant bullshit. Already pissed off, I retorted that she's a bitch and should go lose some pounds. Turns out she was talking to her husband on her bluetooth headset. FML

I agree, your life sucks

22708

You deserved it

77472

Tweet

Share

By ImOverHere - 2/9/2012 16:56 - United States - Whitehouse

Today, I decided to surprise my boyfriend with candles and a sexy outfit. When he came in, he insisted that we needed music to help set the mood. Thirty minutes later, he's still searching for a song. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31739

You deserved it

3073

Tweet

Share

By Trew Love - 3/5/2016 06:25 - Canada - Fort Saint John

Today, it's my birthday. I called my mom to thank her for the gift she'd sent. She was surprised and said, "Oh I thought you were waiting to open it." She ended the conversation with, "OK, I'll call you on your birthday." FML

I agree, your life sucks

14969

You deserved it

1340

Tweet

Share

By ihatemyjob - 3/9/2015 03:37 - United States - Ridgeland

Today, my boss found me on a dating app. He found it perfectly acceptable to message me and didn't understand why I wasn't comfortable with it. He now wants to have a meeting with me about inappropriate behavior outside of work. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27011

You deserved it

2056

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 27/3/2015 20:28 - Australia - Sydney

Today, I found my dad's porn stash on his laptop. I went through it for a laugh to see what kind of sick, twisted shit he's into. Mostly nude pictures of my mum, as it turns out. I can't wipe the afterimage from my mind. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12867

You deserved it

42400

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 18/9/2019 04:02 - United Kingdom - Southampton

WTF VHS?

Today, a teacher asked me to edit a video of her class. Unfamiliar with cameras that work with video tape, I accidentally recorded over her video. The footage is impossible for me to get back. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1094

You deserved it

897

Tweet

Share

By Lord_Nick - 4/2/2016 03:13 - Canada - Qu?bec

Today, while I was taking a shit, a guy went into the next stall and narrated what he was doing in song. I'm still traumatized by his lyrics. FML

I agree, your life sucks

21756

You deserved it

1686

Tweet

Share

By ravenskater - 4/4/2011 02:47

Today, I was at a grocery store with my 3 year old son. As I was picking a cereal out, an older man comes over and says, "You should have used condoms. What an ugly boy." FML

I agree, your life sucks

66224

You deserved it

6466

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 9/1/2011 01:11 - United States

Today, I found out that my wife was having sex with my friend. It turned out that my genius cat realized it wasn't me there and attacked his balls, severely cutting them. I now have to kill my cat and pay for his medical bills to sew his balls back. FML

I agree, your life sucks

76964

You deserved it

4134

Tweet

Share

By Lebac - 14/4/2015 08:33 - United States - Burlington

Today, I went to feed my neighbors' chickens while they were on vacation. I noticed the TV on inside, so I peeked in to see if the place was being messed with. Guess who found the neighbor home early, fully naked, and jerking off. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35573

You deserved it

4020

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 5/11/2018 05:00

Today, I got into a car accident and totaled my car. Also today, someone bought themselves $600 worth of office furniture online with my bank info. My bank doesn’t believe me so they won’t help me get the money back. I'm broke and carless. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3085

You deserved it

187

Tweet

Share

By neversayhiagain - 10/2/2009 05:58 - United States

Today, I greeted a mom and a little girl at the place where I work. The little girl looks at me, looks back at her mom, and says, "Mommy, I hate people." FML

I agree, your life sucks

38525

You deserved it

2789

Tweet

Share

By trickortreat - 1/11/2009 04:23 - United States

Today, while up in my room getting ready to go out, I thought I heard some trick or treaters knocking on the door. I ignored them because I didn't have any candy. The knocking got louder and longer. I walked downstairs, and noticed that the living room ceiling was falling down onto the floor. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31467

You deserved it

5022

Tweet

Share

By fattymcbutterpants - 19/6/2011 05:19 - United States

Today, I'm a nanny. After the kids went to bed the dog wouldn't stop barking violently unless I held the end of a blanket for him to hump. I need a raise. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36648

You deserved it

3491

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 21/2/2016 17:10 - Japan - Koshigaya

Today, I was starting a new job and I didn't want to be late, so I took a train that left earlier than normal, just to make sure I'd be on time. Turns out, the earlier train wasn't an express train, and made it to my stop 12 minutes after my usual one did. I was late for work. FML

I agree, your life sucks

20271

You deserved it

4438

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 22/10/2010 01:03 - France

Today, I teach English in Taiwan. I got two new students, brothers named Harry and Potter. People, they're children, not pets. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35550

You deserved it

5021

Tweet

Share

By are you kidding me? - 10/3/2014 08:22 - United Kingdom - Northolt

Today, I had to bail my brother out of jail because he started a fight with a guy who didn't like owls. FML

I agree, your life sucks

48392

You deserved it

4451

Tweet

Share

By Undercooked - 24/9/2013 19:08 - Canada - Mississauga

Today, my girlfriend made bacon sandwiches for lunch. I didn't want to be rude, but I couldn't help but mention that the bacon smelled and tasted weird. I thought it may have expired. She said not to worry because she used the dry bacon under the counter. Those were dog treats. FML

I agree, your life sucks

52709

You deserved it

4718

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 21/5/2015 20:41 - United States

Today, I waited tables for the first time at my new restaurant job. I asked a group of older men what they would like. One replied, "A slice of that ass". I'm 19 and a guy. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34844

You deserved it

3232

Tweet

Share

By sophie - 13/4/2011 16:36 - United States

Today, my teacher told me I wasn't pretty enough to play the princess part in the play. FML

I agree, your life sucks

45657

You deserved it

5736

Tweet

Share

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By jnanderson | 16

#5867246 - Monday 24 February 2014 9:14

"Hey, there's a thin shiny thing on the floor, maybe if I step on it, I'll know what it is!"
-OP

By ZY1431 | 24

#5867241 - Monday 24 February 2014 9:12

well thats just a safe thing to do...

Comments

By ZY1431 | 24

#5867241 - Monday 24 February 2014 9:12

well thats just a safe thing to do...

By drayloon | 50

#5867243 - Monday 24 February 2014 9:12

Safety first

Reply

SirGmoney | 9

#5868075 - Tuesday 25 February 2014 3:15

Brains first.

By jtthegr8 | 26

#5867245 - Monday 24 February 2014 9:14

You could have just looked. I mean if you really wanted to know what it was.

By jnanderson | 16

#5867246 - Monday 24 February 2014 9:14

"Hey, there's a thin shiny thing on the floor, maybe if I step on it, I'll know what it is!"
-OP

Reply

Morqan_Freeman | 14

#5867263 - Monday 24 February 2014 9:26

And that is why I wear socks... and slippers. So I can step on anything in my path, without fear or mercy for what I shall stomp.

Reply

greeneyebeauty9 | 28

#5867270 - Monday 24 February 2014 9:32

There's not much a sock can do in this case. When I've stepped on something pointy and sharp before, my sock didn't do me much justice.

Reply

Voij | 16

#5867285 - Monday 24 February 2014 10:06

At least we now know where the OP got the idea:
"Hmm... this animal looks dangerous. I should poke it with a stick!" - Steve Irwin

Reply

beaglegal | 42

#5867372 - Monday 24 February 2014 13:26

God wears slippers?

By GiovanniPaisa | 8

#5867247 - Monday 24 February 2014 9:14

Wasn't the smartest thing you ever did OP..YDI

Reply

Sangue0608 | 26

#5867319 - Monday 24 February 2014 11:32

or maybe it was

By DocDrose | 20

#5867249 - Monday 24 February 2014 9:15

omg OUCH! put some antiseptic on that and go get yourself a lollipop!

By Bano360 | 25

#5867250 - Monday 24 February 2014 9:16

Not so safety pin

Reply

glabberfasted | 16

#5867288 - Monday 24 February 2014 10:12

Danger pin

Reply

Bano360 | 25

#5867612 - Monday 24 February 2014 18:39

New super villain?

Reply

sonictardis | 8

#5867728 - Monday 24 February 2014 20:09

who would be his nemesis, band aid man?

this is horrible, please ignore it.

By equitationbound | 22

#5867251 - Monday 24 February 2014 9:16

I'm sorry but why would you rub your bare foot on an object to see what it was? It's not that hard to bend down and look.

Reply

mollyjynxjax | 28

#5867295 - Monday 24 February 2014 10:34

Also, shiny tends to mean sharp as far as small objects on the floor go, whether it's glass, a safety pin, a sewing needle etc

By chutney_02 | 22

#5867252 - Monday 24 February 2014 9:17

Your carpet was only giving you a free acupuncture session

By greeneyebeauty9 | 28

#5867255 - Monday 24 February 2014 9:18

Oooorrr you could just bend down and see what the item was. The first thing I think of when I see something shiny on the floor is a thumb tack or some change. To be safe, I definitely wouldn't have put my foot near it. So, YDI.