Health: Today, while walking barefoot through my house, I saw something... - FML

By owmyfoot - United States - Sacramento

Today, while walking barefoot through my house, I saw something shine on the floor across the hallway. Curious as to what it was, I rubbed my foot across the carpet to feel it. It wasn't until it was deeply lodged in my foot did I realize it was an open safety pin. FML

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Season finale

Weird kid

Whackjobs 'R Us

By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, my 7-year-old cousin has been having raging temper tantrums, added to an inability to tell the truth, and a disturbingly sociopathic nature. I'm pretty sure I'm seeing a psychopath in the making, and I'm stuck living here for 2 months. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/11/2020 20:02

It's not unusual

Today, I complimented my crush. No, I didn't call her beautiful or sexy, though those definitely apply. No, instead, I called her scrumptious. I can't even begin to explain. FML

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By forest killer girl

Today, I went out with a friendly guy who's very passionate about the environment and everything was going fine until he asked about my job. I work as a clerk in a plantation company. He went from Mr. Daydream to Mr. Scary because the company I work for is destroying the forest. FML

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By Erbtosis - United States - Seattle

Today, my five year-old had to break the news to me that my husband was leaving me for someone else. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my parents found several drawings of a dinosaur girl in various bondage equipment posing seductively in my purse. The drawings weren't mine, nor do I have any idea where they came from, but my parents now think I'm a freak. FML

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By AtheistLookingforRoomie

Today, I had a meeting with a potential roommate to rent a 2/2 space and it was going well. We laughed, joked, and seemed to get along and want the same things. At the end of the conversation, however, he said he needed to "pray" about his decision to room with an atheist. This probably won't work out. FML

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By Alyssa - United States

Today, my parents were out, so I lit up my first ever joint. I got so stoned out of my mind that when my dad came back home and asked what the smell was, I said a stray cat had left an upper-decker in the toilet. He found the joint in my room, and now I'm grounded for the rest of the school year. FML

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By ollierocks96 - United States

Today, I was eating lunch out side with my friends, when a spider fell on one guy's back. I glanced at it and opened my mouth to warn him when another guy flicked it and it went into my mouth. I can still taste it. FML

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By Wow - United States

Today, I realized that I am so sexually deprived that I get aroused when plugging my headphones into my computer. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I overheard my boss talking about me on the phone. Turns out he was drunk off his ass when he gave the go-ahead to hire me, and he's now searching for any excuse to legally fire me. FML

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By fishyrael

The Rainbow Bridge

Today, at my job at a pet store, my boss told me to go outside and hand out flyers. I saw a man sitting on a bench and walked up, saying, "Hi! Do you have a pet?" He teared up and said, "I just put her down this morning." FML

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By Ain't going nowhere - United States - Chicago

Today, I politely asked a coworker to stop sticking his chewed-up gum to my desk. It's now 10:57 pm and my tires are slashed. FML

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By not anymore - United States - Monroe

Today, I made a Facebook post about my upcoming driving test. My grandpa said he knew I would succeed, prompting my idiot boyfriend to reply "For sure, she really knows how to suck seed ;)" followed by him liking his own comment. FML

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By dejected - United States

Today, feeling down and dejected because of the shitty weather and none of my friends or family wanting to spend time with me to feel loved I took my favorite stuffed animal and that says 'I love you' when you squeeze it. I squeezed it. Nothing happened. Even an inanimate object rejected me. FML

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By drivingmecrazy - United States - Stamford

Today, my mom once again yelled at me for "driving erratically". She texts while driving 70 miles per hour on the highway, but apparently driving through a yellow light is "reckless". FML

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By anon - United States - Orange Park

Today, I thought my wife and I would reconcile after being separated for eight months. We ended up sleeping together after a dinner date, but she told told me afterwards that she still wanted a divorce. FML

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By snoozer - United States

Today, I received two withdrawl grades in school for droping the classes due to a kidney infection that kept me in the hospital. I wrote a petition to the dean asking to remove the grades. He replied to send a doctor's note. I did this, and he said that I was faking and the note was forged. FML

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By A.J. - United States

Today, I had a dentist appointment in which a nurse numbed my mouth. After coming home, I took a nap in which I unknowing bit through my top lip. I physically can't speak. FML

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By makeitstop - Canada

Today, at work, I was forced to listen to the Dolly Parton and Kenny Rogers Christmas album on repeat for 8 hours. FML

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By Pooping - Canada - Aldergrove

Today, while I was at work, a coworker began ranting about his theory that the government is going to create a disease that sterilises everyone, and use the antidote to control the population. I was just trying to take a crap in the stall next to him. FML

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By ohgosh... - United States - Fenton

Today, after realizing my flashcards had fallen out of my binder, I asked my teacher if I could quickly go to my locker to get them. She said no and told me to go sit down. As soon as class ended, I went to my locker and brought them to her. Her response? "Why didn't you ask me to get these during class?" FML

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By bleu_noir - United States

Today, someone at work put their used, bloodied tampon applicator back in its wrapper, and into the free tampon bin for some sucker to grab. That sucker was me. FML

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By ohhaithur

Today, my mom accused me of stealing $350 from her. She didn't accuse my unemployed brother, who just bought a brand new iPhone. Even after he confessed to her, she thought he was covering for me. My brother has a criminal record for theft. FML

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By lowlife123 - United States - Manawa

Today, I found out my boyfriend gave me a surprise birthday present: herpes. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/11/2020 23:02 - United States - Merrimack

Bye, dipshit

Today, my husband told me he no longer loves me and is moving out. It's also our 13th wedding anniversary. FML

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By wmkaz - Canada - Sault Sainte Marie

Today, I am six months pregnant and have been lactating. When I noticed this and pointed it out to my husband, I jokingly stated that I felt like a cow. He then replied. "Oh, you're not a cow. At most you're just a fat pig." He still has no clue why I'm upset. FML

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By anonymous - Czech Republic

Today, my boyfriend, who is rather large, picked me up to give me a hug, and some over-eager security guard actually pointed his tazer at him and told him to put me down. So he put me down and tried to ask what he'd done wrong. The bastard tazed him for acting aggressively. FML

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By agstone

Today, at 2:47 am, my mom woke me up in a panic screaming about smelling gas and the house blowing up. Twenty minutes, two fire trucks, and a traumatized dog later, it was just the neighbors burning their mail. FML

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By caligirl921 - United States

Today, my boyfriend was going down on me. When I orgasmed, my leg flew out and I accidentally kicked him in the balls. For the next ten minutes, he lay in the fetal position. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out that my daughter is dating my boss' daughter. I found this out because my extremely homophobic boss told me and wants me to 'heal' them or get fired. I didn't even know my daughter was gay. FML

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By unemployed-dude - Australia - Vermont

Today, I got fired from my job because I closed the store 84 seconds early. They found out because the state manager was sitting across the street with binoculars watching me. FML

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By moo...

Today, I was on a date with this guy I just met and we went to a fancy restaurant. Halfway through the meal, there was an awkward silence, and he decided to end it by saying "You know, you chew like a cow." FML

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By Dehydrated - United States - Charlotte

Today, at soccer, I repeatedly asked my coach for water as I was feeling light headed. His response every time was, "5 more minutes". Eventually, I got so dehydrated that I passed out. The first thing my coach said when I woke up was, "Why didn't you get some water?" FML

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By unforgettablee - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I was getting into the mood with my boyfriend. Ten minutes into it, I told him to "teach me a lesson." His response: "I ain't no teacher." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out my 97-year-old Grandma has an imaginary 30-year-old boyfriend. I laughed until my mom said, "She's still doing better than you. You don't even have an imaginary boyfriend, let alone a real one." FML

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By Anonymous - 3/11/2020 22:02 - United States - Anchorage

Get the message, dude

Today, after telling my boyfriend of 8 years on Monday that I'm unhappy and don’t want to be in a relationship anymore, he said to me just now, "So, I’m thinking of proposing to you in December." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I wanted to take a nice hot relaxing bath. A wasp somehow got in, and stung me on the nuts. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Wichita Falls

Today, my professor told everyone that he thinks all med students should be required to get a catheter and an enema at least once in their lives so they can relate to their patients, saying, "Gentlemen, it might change your lives." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Portland

Today, I went in for an interview for my first ever job. Just seconds after meeting the boss, I slipped on the linoleum floor. I was wearing a skirt. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had to climb over a tall gate. Getting to the top wasn't a problem, but falling face first on the way down wasn't what I'd had in mind. FML

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Top comments

By jnanderson | 16

#5867246 - Monday 24 February 2014 9:14

"Hey, there's a thin shiny thing on the floor, maybe if I step on it, I'll know what it is!"
-OP

By ZY1431 | 24

#5867241 - Monday 24 February 2014 9:12

well thats just a safe thing to do...

COMMENTS

By ZY1431 | 24

#5867241 - Monday 24 February 2014 9:12

well thats just a safe thing to do...

By drayloon | 50

#5867243 - Monday 24 February 2014 9:12

Safety first

Reply

SirGmoney | 9

#5868075 - Tuesday 25 February 2014 3:15

Brains first.

By jtthegr8 | 26

#5867245 - Monday 24 February 2014 9:14

You could have just looked. I mean if you really wanted to know what it was.

By jnanderson | 16

#5867246 - Monday 24 February 2014 9:14

"Hey, there's a thin shiny thing on the floor, maybe if I step on it, I'll know what it is!"
-OP

Reply

Morqan_Freeman | 14

#5867263 - Monday 24 February 2014 9:26

And that is why I wear socks... and slippers. So I can step on anything in my path, without fear or mercy for what I shall stomp.

Reply

greeneyebeauty9 | 28

#5867270 - Monday 24 February 2014 9:32

There's not much a sock can do in this case. When I've stepped on something pointy and sharp before, my sock didn't do me much justice.

Reply

Voij | 16

#5867285 - Monday 24 February 2014 10:06

At least we now know where the OP got the idea:
"Hmm... this animal looks dangerous. I should poke it with a stick!" - Steve Irwin

Reply

beaglegal | 42

#5867372 - Monday 24 February 2014 13:26

God wears slippers?

By GiovanniPaisa | 8

#5867247 - Monday 24 February 2014 9:14

Wasn't the smartest thing you ever did OP..YDI

Reply

Sangue0608 | 26

#5867319 - Monday 24 February 2014 11:32

or maybe it was

By DocDrose | 20

#5867249 - Monday 24 February 2014 9:15

omg OUCH! put some antiseptic on that and go get yourself a lollipop!

By Bano360 | 25

#5867250 - Monday 24 February 2014 9:16

Not so safety pin

Reply

glabberfasted | 16

#5867288 - Monday 24 February 2014 10:12

Danger pin

Reply

Bano360 | 25

#5867612 - Monday 24 February 2014 18:39

New super villain?

Reply

sonictardis | 8

#5867728 - Monday 24 February 2014 20:09

who would be his nemesis, band aid man?

this is horrible, please ignore it.

By equitationbound | 22

#5867251 - Monday 24 February 2014 9:16

I'm sorry but why would you rub your bare foot on an object to see what it was? It's not that hard to bend down and look.

Reply

mollyjynxjax | 28

#5867295 - Monday 24 February 2014 10:34

Also, shiny tends to mean sharp as far as small objects on the floor go, whether it's glass, a safety pin, a sewing needle etc

By chutney_02 | 22

#5867252 - Monday 24 February 2014 9:17

Your carpet was only giving you a free acupuncture session

By greeneyebeauty9 | 28

#5867255 - Monday 24 February 2014 9:18

Oooorrr you could just bend down and see what the item was. The first thing I think of when I see something shiny on the floor is a thumb tack or some change. To be safe, I definitely wouldn't have put my foot near it. So, YDI.