Today, while waiting for the bus, I googled walking directions...

By getoffthephone - 30/3/2015 09:19 - United Kingdom

Today, while waiting for the bus, I googled walking directions to my destination, in case I had already missed the bus. I was so absorbed in my search that I missed the bus. FML

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Transportation

The student becomes the master

Tidy your room

Abuse

By Tim - 16/6/2009 06:15 - United States

Today, I was enjoying some much needed serenity while I ate lunch in an empty park. To my surprise, an older, clean cut man in a suit sits on the bench next to me. Without saying a word, he unleashes the most foul of farts I've ever witnessed, gets up, gives me a nod and leaves. FML

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By rachele321 - 20/8/2019 02:00

Today, some guy sent a dickpic to my phone. I was disgusted, and wanted to find out who did it. I called the police, and they matched the number to my step father's new cellphone. FML

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By ifyouseekmylife - 25/10/2009 15:44 - United States

Today, my son told me he lost the envelope with all the money he earned selling Cub Scout popcorn. The popcorn was delivered already, and the money needs to be turned in to the pack leader tonight. I just spent $220 on popcorn my neighbors are eating. FML

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By Eyalsh - 30/1/2015 04:53 - Germany - Greifswald

Today, I came back to my dormitory after a long shift at work. After using the toilet, I looked at myself in the mirror, only to find a huge piece of food stuck between my front teeth. I work at one of the fanciest restaurants in town; nobody bothered to tell me anything. FML

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By samantha - 23/6/2020 02:02

Humblebrag in disguise

Today, while buying drinks, the cashier immediately refused me and said, “Don’t even bother showing me your ID, you’re obviously 12." I’m 31. FML

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By - 16/1/2020 18:00

I am clumsy!

Today my girlfriend was on top during sex. I went to slap her butt, missed and nailed myself in the balls. We had to stop. She wouldn't stop laughing. FML

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By angry girlfriend - 22/5/2012 14:32 - Canada - Montreal

Today, I found out via Facebook status that my boyfriend is going to Hawaii with a group of friends, including his ex-girlfriend for a few weeks. When I confronted him about it, he said he didn't think I needed to know, and to mind my own business. I think I'm about to be single. FML

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By Boredstoner420 - 14/3/2020 21:00

You give me fever

Today, I got way too bored and stoned, so I created a Tinder profile named "Covid" with a picture of the Coronavirus and a funny description. I'd never had so many matches. FML

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By shithappens - 31/3/2019 14:00

Today. I went on a date with a really great guy. After the date we went to his place and had drinks in the hottub. I ended up shitting myself.FML

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By I wish it was gum - 23/10/2018 12:00

Today, I was in the cinema making out with my girlfriend. I asked her if she could stop trying to pass me her gum because it was kinda gross. She replied "It's not gum, I just have bronchitis." FML

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By johnboy - 9/11/2010 17:08 - United States

Today, I went for a run. When I got home, no one was there so I took off my clothes and laid on the cool wood floor. I decided to call my girlfriend and we started talking in baby voices. That's when my mom walked into the house witnessing everything. FML

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By - 27/9/2012 02:29 - Canada - Toronto

Today, my girlfriend told me what turns her on: cheese. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/4/2013 18:01 - United States

Today, at work as a gynecologist, I called in my last patient of the day. As soon as I took a peek, I noticed that she had stuck googly-eyes above her vagina. She told me with a straight face not to be afraid, because "She doesn't bite." FML

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By Loho - 25/3/2009 02:46 - Canada

Today, I was using my dad's cell because I had broken mine. I was texting my boyfriend all day when my dad needed his phone back. I forgot to tell my boyfriend that my dad would be using the phone. My boyfriend then texted graphically what he wanted to do to my dad. FML

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By LightsOut - 21/5/2013 22:47 - United States - Melbourne

Today, and throughout the past week, my electricity, water, cable, and Internet were progressively shut off. Why? Because my deranged mother-in-law has been stealing the money orders I use to pay my bills out of my mailbox. She also stole the late notices because she didn't want me to be "mad". FML

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By shmelly - 16/4/2010 04:03 - United States

Today, as my boyfriend was unbuttoning my pants to go down on me, he looked at me and said in his best robot voice, "caution, contents may be stinky." FML

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By Noname - 19/2/2009 23:17 - United States

Today, I was at the library studying. There was a really cute guy across the room. I decided to play it cool and walk his way and grab some water. Right as I walked by, my body decided to let out the loudest fart. He laughed. I kept walking and asked my friend to grab my books. FML

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By WelcomeWagon - 28/6/2010 20:35 - United States

Today, I unpacked in my new, non-air conditioned apartment wearing nothing but underwear, a tank top and an apron to stay cool. Later, I realized I'd crossed through the complex to my car and the dumpster many times, and arranged my deck overlooking the parking lot, without ever donning shorts. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/2/2010 08:29 - United States

Today, my boyfriend informed me that in the event of a zombie apocalypse, he'd kill me before I got infected. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/11/2009 05:44 - Australia

Today, I was driving my child to school when the car let out a huge bang. It shuddered to a halt. My son started laughing. I asked him what was funny but he wouldn't tell me. The car wouldn't start. I called RACV and they told me the problem. My son had rolled 9 golf balls into the exhaust pipe. FML

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By lyssuhhhh - 26/9/2010 23:14 - United States

Today, while working at McDonald's, a woman asked me what came on a bacon, egg, and cheese biscuit. Trying not to laugh, I respond, "Bacon, egg, and cheese." She then realizes the stupidity of her question, and launches three dollars worth of quarters at my face and says, "Laugh at that, jerk." FML

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By Alec - 10/12/2012 07:01 - United States

Today, I went on a date with a great girl; we went out to dinner and saw a movie. After the movie, we went out to my car to find out that a homeless man had broken the window, climbed into it, and was eating the leftover pasta with his fingers. FML

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By TooPoorForPrivateUni - 9/10/2016 16:18 - United Kingdom - Mitcham

Today, I got into my dream university. I also got turned down for the scholarship and the loan that would enable me to actually go. FML

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By never ending story - 20/4/2018 13:00 - United States

Today, it doesn’t matter that I had major surgery on my hand 2 days ago and am supposed to be on bed rest with no hand movement for 3 weeks. According to my father and my husband, it doesn’t excuse me from wifely house duties and being the sole caretaker of our one-year-old. FML

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By El Jeffe - 5/7/2016 17:54 - United States - Salt Lake City

Today, that awesome new dubstep song that I was rocking out to in my car was actually my transmission falling apart. FML

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By TheyHaveMyAddress - 6/3/2014 05:52 - United States - Jackson

Today, my boyfriend and I went to a restaurant so I could apply for a job, and we decided to eat there. After we finished, I went to start the car. When we got home, I asked him how much the bill came to. Apparently he didn't pay. I had already given them my completed application. FML

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By Anon. - 28/11/2009 12:22 - United Kingdom

Today, I had to look at my positive eBay feedback to feel loved. FML

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By Smart - 16/9/2011 14:42 - United States

Today, while teaching my high school class about astronomy, I showed them a picture of earth from space. One girl raised her hand, and asked me what the "white things" were. In other words, clouds. FML

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By The Cat Tickler - 13/9/2018 15:00

Today, I was talking to myself and got distracted when I was going to put chapstick on my lips. I took the cap off my deodorant and put it on my lips. FML

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By vacationless - 5/2/2013 19:35 - United States - Parkersburg

Today, I finished booking the non-refundable cruise for my wife and I to the Bahamas. I did this after confirming once again that my mother could take care of our son while we're away. An hour after I paid, she called back saying she mistook the dates and can't do it anymore. FML

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By ScarredForLife - 25/12/2009 06:28 - United States

Today, I introduced my family to beerpong. They especially liked the part about distracting each other while shooting. My grandma flashed me. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/9/2011 12:38 - United Kingdom

Today, my girlfriend started to plan our wedding. We've been going out for 3 days. FML

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By feartheend511 - 19/8/2010 15:48 - United States

Today, while my friends were over, my mom took too many of her pills and walked around the house nude. She then bit me. FML

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By BreechInEducation - 27/11/2016 06:55

Today, my boyfriend informed me that he was a breech baby, which according to him meant that he born out of his mum's butthole. FML

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By izziegrl - 24/9/2012 18:21 - Mexico - Naucalpan

Today, I realized that I spend more money on gas to go to my job than what I get paid. FML

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By suffersecks - 20/1/2012 23:54 - United States

Today, while in the middle of giving my husband a blow job, I looked up to see him staring into space and vigorously picking his nose. FML

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By Rachel - 12/2/2016 06:26 - United States - Burton

Today, I found out that every time my boyfriend has cutely joked about my clothes not matching while we're just lounging around the house, he's really been hoping I would catch on that he thinks I look like a slob. FML

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By atomwolf - 9/12/2016 17:01 - United Kingdom - Southampton

Today, I wanted to work out the volume of my penis and did so on the first piece of paper I could find on my desk. After I finished the calculations I realized that the other side of the paper was in fact my school report. It's the only copy I have. FML

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By Bob - 20/6/2009 04:22 - United States

Today, while teaching at a daycare, a child came up to me and asked if he could go to the bathroom. Obviously, I said it was fine. He then pulled his pants down, and pee on my brand new shoes, and all over my leg. FML

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By jdawn99 - 22/10/2013 14:24 - United States - Arkansas City

Today, as a science teacher, I did a science experiment in front of a class. One of my students asked me if it was "photoshopped." He was being serious. FML

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Top comments

By therealjc_fml | 14

#6247726 - Monday 30 March 2015 17:40

Did you not hear it pull up right in front of you?

By rallison22 | 22

#6247719 - Monday 30 March 2015 17:38

At least you knew where to go...

COMMENTS

By rallison22 | 22

#6247719 - Monday 30 March 2015 17:38

At least you knew where to go...

funsizedliz | 15

#6248165 - Tuesday 31 March 2015 2:52

At least they can wait for the next bus.

By ihavenolifehaha | 16

#6247720 - Monday 30 March 2015 17:38

Wait for the next one then?

By keiNan_fml | 35

#6247721 - Monday 30 March 2015 17:38

Wouldn't have missed the bus, if you were focusing on the bus than google.

Ozzien | 26

#6247940 - Monday 30 March 2015 20:53

Thank you for clarifying the obvious.

By WallyQ | 18

#6247722 - Monday 30 March 2015 17:38

A little exercise never hurt!

BigxXxDeal | 14

#6247760 - Monday 30 March 2015 18:04

and we know the people that downvote this are the obese ones

myanichole | 22

#6247944 - Monday 30 March 2015 20:56

#15 there's a lot of people who aren't obese, but still unfit, unhealthy, and just lazy.

BoyWhoCriedwoof | 5

#6248335 - Tuesday 31 March 2015 9:04

Just like me :)

By Count_Sekcpants | 13

#6247725 - Monday 30 March 2015 17:39

Well now you're ready to have missed the bus

By therealjc_fml | 14

#6247726 - Monday 30 March 2015 17:40

Did you not hear it pull up right in front of you?

IWishIWasObama | 12

#6247942 - Monday 30 March 2015 20:54

If the bus stop is anywhere near a light then there would be a lot of vehicles stopping and going- including other busses.

doodlecloud | 26

#6247960 - Monday 30 March 2015 21:32

Or if OP was the only one there and didn't signal, it might have just driven past them.

amzee96 | 18

#6248136 - Tuesday 31 March 2015 1:52

Some places you have to hail the bus, they don't stop otherwise.

By MattM95 | 16

#6247727 - Monday 30 March 2015 17:40

Well I guess today seems like a fine day for a walk.

SystemofaBlink41 | 27

#6247782 - Monday 30 March 2015 18:29

*single thundercloud appears over OP's head*

By lennon_ | 16

#6247730 - Monday 30 March 2015 17:40

No "Wheels on the bus" song today.

By sstahpp | 33

#6247740 - Monday 30 March 2015 17:43

On the bright side..at least you didn't waste your time with the search. Exercise can only do good!

By Emzinatorbot | 26

#6247746 - Monday 30 March 2015 17:44

And you didn't hear the bus drive by?