Today, while trying to quietly sneak a midnight snack with my...

By Anonymous - 13/1/2013 12:41 - United States

Today, while trying to quietly sneak a midnight snack with my girlfriend, I was slowly opening the pantry door so I wouldn't wake my mother. My girlfriend came and swung open the door onto my foot, taking the top layer of skin with it. FML

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Miscellaneous

This is fine

Great guy

Vicious and unprovoked

By eat my fucking ass, boss - 6/12/2013 23:37 - Australia - Melbourne

Today, a customer threatened to come back later and shoot the whole place up. Why? I didn't give him a discount on his beer. My boss's reaction when I called the police: "Why didn't you give him the discount?!" Last week he bitched me out for letting a girl off for being a few cents short on hers. FML

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By henley - 23/7/2012 01:33

Today, I told my boyfriend that I didn't want to go out with him because I was having a fat day. After ten minutes of fighting, he threw a ring box on the floor and stormed out. I basically refused his proposal because of my body issues. FML

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By notready - 15/10/2013 06:49 - Australia

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend at a dinner with our two families. Not only did she flatly reject me, my dad said, "Good call. He's not ready." FML

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By Anonymous - 20/12/2013 14:27 - South Africa - Cape Town

Today, my boss decided that a mug and a public 'thank you' were a sufficient substitute for a Christmas bonus. FML

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By SeverelyAnnoyed - 31/3/2016 17:53 - Netherlands

Today, a crow somehow got stuck in my ceiling. It's been making tons of noise for 9 hours now, including crowing very loudly. I live in a one-bedroom apartment, I have no access to the attic and the property owner doesn't give a shit. FML

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By BDayssuck - 2/9/2009 14:47 - United States

Today, my fiancé, his mother, my father and I went out to celebrate my birthday and our recent engagement. After dinner, my father and future mother-in-law revealed to us that they had secretly been dating and were talking about also getting married. Anybody want cake? FML

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By Mulee - 7/3/2009 12:03 - Belgium

Today, I had to run to catch my train, so I didn't get the chance to buy a ticket. When the conductor was in sight, I saw he was a young man and I opened my top a little, in hopes of not having to pay a fine. When I told him I didn't buy a ticket he said: "Close your top, I'm gay". FML

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By lekijkerd - 17/11/2012 13:56 - Netherlands - Leusden

Today, I went to see my favorite band. It was all amazing and great until I decided to go crowd surfing. I was maybe too heavy because people jumped away instead of catching me. I fell right on my tailbone. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/11/2013 00:17 - United States - Alpharetta

Today, I was rubbing one out in the shower. I guess I got a little too excited, because as I came close to climaxing, I had a serious asthma attack and had to wheeze for help. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/3/2019 12:00

Today, I went to the location of me and my wife’s first date, because I miss her and barely get to see her because of our work schedules. Only to see her there on a date. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/9/2013 20:09 - United States - North Kingstown

Today, my psycho girlfriend tried to blackmail me into giving her money, threatening to show everyone the nude pictures I recently sent her. Except the pictures on her phone that she threatened me with weren't even of me. Nice to know I'm also being cheated on. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/3/2013 10:49 - United States

Today, my grandmother has been complaining that I spend too much on food, so I started cooking food from scratch. I happily showed her my recipe book and encouraged her to try a few. She then mocked me for wasting time by not buying frozen food. FML

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By ... - 4/1/2014 05:25 - United States

Today, I wrote a text to the guy I've had a crush on for two years. I typed "hey" and put my phone down, not ready to send it. A little while later, I heard it buzz. The reply said "Um... what?" Apparently my sister had added "I'm a shitty prostitute" to my text and sent it. FML

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By sportyhusband - 20/1/2010 03:46 - United States

Today, I heard the sounds of women grunting in the living room. My husband knows I don't like him to watch porn, so I confronted him. He was masturbating to professional Women's tennis. FML

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By omfgfmlife - 5/7/2011 14:32 - United States

Today, my mother insisted I thoroughly water all the plants in and around my house before some people turned up. This would be fine except 90% of them are fake. She is convinced it will make them look "realer." FML

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By Idktbh - 18/11/2017 22:00 - United States

Today, when I finished helping a customer, she said, “Thanks cutie!” When I thanked her she giggled and said, “I just like making people smile, plus I bet you don’t get called that often!” FML

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By fmylife7721 - 3/7/2011 05:51 - Canada

Today, I jokingly told my girlfriend that sperm kills acne, she laughed and said "so that's how you got rid of yours so fast" then continued to text all her friends and tell them. FML

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By boogerbrain - 9/12/2009 21:06 - United States

Today, I was looking at my wedding pictures I had just ordered and I tried to flick something off one of the pictures, but it wouldn't come off. In a panic I quickly looked through all of my pictures and realized that I had a booger sticking out of my nose. No one told me. FML

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By Cake Dreams - 8/10/2018 22:15

Today, I had a dream wherein a deep, sensual voice was talking sexy to me. "Yeah girl, you want this. Mmm." It wasn't the man of my dreams trying to seduce me. It was a piece of chocolate cake. FML

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By Noname - 2/3/2009 21:35 - United States

Today, I noticed some of my things in my slob of a roommate's piles of clothes. I found six pairs of my underwear that had gone missing. Turns out she hasn't done laundry recently so my underwear drawer was her own personal Victoria's Secret. I hadn't even worn a pair yet. All six were stained. FML

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By What did I do wrong? - 4/9/2018 18:30 - United States - Manhattan

Today at university, I saw a girl on crutches struggling to make it up the stairs to the dining center. Feeling sympathetic, I politely offered to help her with her bags, and she declined. By declined, I mean she maced me. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/4/2016 20:20 - United States - San Francisco

Today, through a mutual friend, I met the girl of my dreams. After flirting and exchanging numbers with her, my friend confessed that she's liked me since the day we met. Now the girl of my dreams doesn't want to pursue a relationship with me out of respect for our friend. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/4/2017 08:00 - Australia - Camberwell

Today, the framed memorabilia that I spent $195 on last week came crashing to the floor. It was on my wall for less than 2 hours. The picture is torn and the glass is shattered, but at least the frame is alright. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/3/2011 17:32 - United States

Today, while getting it on with my boyfriend, I decided to be spontaneous and do something sexy. I started taking his underwear off with my teeth. My teeth dragged over his shaft, and my braces cut up his foreskin in the process. Now he's not talking to me. FML

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By UTurn - 9/8/2019 04:00

Today, I lost my phone during a hike up Mount Washington. Luckily, it was reported to the office, and they called my wife. Too bad we had already been driving for at least four hours. FML

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By Username - 1/6/2011 08:09 - Singapore

Today, the elevator in my apartment building broke down. I live on the 30th floor and am still climbing the stairs. FML

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By ashleyramsay - 23/10/2009 19:13 - Canada

Today, I heard whimpering while I was in my bedroom. Thinking it was my parents doing something nasty, I let them do it and turned on my music. My parents came home from work and I realised they were never home. I went into the room and saw my dead dog laying on the floor. FML

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By Madison Gliosci - 16/8/2018 14:30

Today, I’m spending my 21st birthday in the hospital getting a colonoscopy and endoscopy. Happy birthday to me. FML

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By howaboutthemcarrots - 14/4/2015 15:08 - Finland - Laajalahti

Today, I decided to be healthy and make a fresh juice out of carrots and apples. Apparently, something had gone bad and now my asshole feels like a bomb just went off inside it. Good start to a healthy lifestyle. FML

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By historyrepeats - 11/7/2019 04:00

Today, I woke up to a Swastika, "Go home" and "Trump2020" spray-painted on my car. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/7/2013 17:38 - Slovenia - Ruse

Today, on his way out of our apartment, my roommate's friend reached over and grabbed a handful of my popcorn. I was only mildly annoyed, until a little later, when I pulled out from between my teeth what could only have been a pubic hair. FML

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By Singlelady - 21/9/2016 19:16 - United Kingdom - Stoke-on-trent

Today, my sister gently asked me if I was gay. Turns out I've been without a boyfriend for so long that the whole family believes I secretly have a girlfriend. FML

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By mandy_2480 - 19/2/2012 02:08 - China

Today, I had to stop my 26 year old fiancé from picking his nose and eating it like a little boy. Three times. FML

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By candymansvan17 - 17/8/2011 21:50 - United States

Today, I had a cop pull me over because he claimed that he saw me taking a bunch of colorful pills at the previous stop sign. I was eating skittles. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/7/2009 06:37 - United States

Today, I learned that shaving my unibrow while drunk/high was a terrible idea. I also learned that one brow looks better than no brow. FML

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By lea5459 - 20/11/2012 06:47 - United States - Medford

Today, my parents kindly told me what they are getting me for my 18th birthday. An eviction notice. FML

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By - 24/1/2020 18:00

Online life

Today, I found out that the girl I've been dating online for over three months is actually a very bored 14-year-old boy. FML

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By mama bear - 5/6/2020 20:00

Fight Club Penguin

Today, I punched an older woman in the face. I only hit her after she grabbed my 4-year-old daughter and told her to, "stop dancing like a whore!" My daughter was so terrified, she peed her pants. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/5/2009 16:18 - Sweden

Today, my girlfriend who lives in China contacted me and told me she'd been harassed by a guy and was thinking about pressing charges. The guy is someone I know from college - he promised me he would say "hi" to her for me while he was in Shanghai. FML

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By fucked5waystofriday - 19/2/2016 19:51 - United States - Angola

Today, my boss told me to resign within the month, or he'll fire me and give me a bad reference. I talked to him about it again later on, this time with my phone recording everything, so I could take the proof to HR. I guess he knew, because he acted like he had no idea what I was talking about. FML

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Top comments

By misspulkadot24 | 17

#5322306 - Sunday 13 January 2013 19:34

This reminds me of when Spongebob pushed the sofa onto Squidward's foot. I always had to look away...not that I watch Spongebob...*bad poker face*

By kra1985 | 8

#5322312 - Sunday 13 January 2013 19:35

If you cant get a midnight snack with your girlfriend in your moms house with her knowing you must be too young to have your girlfriend at your moms house that late anyway

COMMENTS

By misspulkadot24 | 17

#5322306 - Sunday 13 January 2013 19:34

This reminds me of when Spongebob pushed the sofa onto Squidward's foot. I always had to look away...not that I watch Spongebob...*bad poker face*

rockstar362 | 8

#5322350 - Sunday 13 January 2013 19:52

Nothing when you're 12!! (Awaiting thumb downs and death threats)

MrBrightside21 | 20

#5322387 - Sunday 13 January 2013 20:12

18 - I'm not going to make a death threat. This way, you won't expect it when I do kill you.

Haha. Just kidding.

But seriously though.

theycallmekitty | 13

#5322491 - Sunday 13 January 2013 21:54

18- You've never noticed all the adult humor in Spongebob? When I was little that stuff went waaaay over my head. When I watch it now I actually get all the jokes and it's hilarious.

FastidiousPear | 6

#5322525 - Sunday 13 January 2013 22:38

YOU'RE DEAD 18!!

doglover100 | 28

#5322580 - Sunday 13 January 2013 23:52

I can't watch that scene. It's so gross.

eddeeezzyy | 19

#5322598 - Monday 14 January 2013 0:06

Yeah! Lol wasn't that the episode where Squidward wants to beat Squllium in the fancy house contest?

doglover100 | 28

#5322640 - Monday 14 January 2013 1:16

Yeah. It was to have the fanciest house, he needed to move his couch.

Smartdumbblonde | 27

#5322643 - Monday 14 January 2013 1:24

What's wrong with spongebob? He's funny lol

jesustitts | 20

#5323351 - Monday 14 January 2013 13:53

Have you ever seen the splinter episode?? I can't watch when it goes in :| it's awful!!

SRU_Toronto | 5

#5324427 - Tuesday 15 January 2013 4:07

You're never to old for SpongeBob

By GTAmax99 | 12

#5322309 - Sunday 13 January 2013 19:35

Did you get the snack?

GTAmerc | 2

#5322461 - Sunday 13 January 2013 21:23

Alright, so I gotta say I've seen your name a couple times. It scares me every time at first, thinking it's me. Anywho, carry on good sir.

GTAmax99 | 12

#5322629 - Monday 14 January 2013 0:54

Boo! Haha did I scare you?

GTAmax99 | 12

#5322684 - Monday 14 January 2013 2:50

Well now I'm never eating pizza again -_-

fleeper | 13

#5322785 - Monday 14 January 2013 3:55

Yes. It's making me cringe.

By lilhellian | 26

#5322310 - Sunday 13 January 2013 19:35

Man up op.. It's only a layer of skin...

eddeeezzyy | 19

#5322333 - Sunday 13 January 2013 19:42

At least he didn't step on a Lego...

iOceanus | 18

#5322335 - Sunday 13 January 2013 19:43

"'Tis but a scratch."

KayBeeFFFixed | 5

#5322419 - Sunday 13 January 2013 20:38

I agree with #3.
Shouldn't even have felt that...

DocBastard | 38

#5322458 - Sunday 13 January 2013 21:20

Hey, guess where the sensory nerves are? If you guessed the top layer of skin, you win the grand prize.

lilhellian | 26

#5322463 - Sunday 13 January 2013 21:26

Doc did you not say something to me about detecting sarcasm.. This was meant with a hint of sarcasm

DocBastard | 38

#5322510 - Sunday 13 January 2013 22:12

Sorry Hellian, I was talking to KayBeeFFFixed.

lilhellian | 26

#5322540 - Sunday 13 January 2013 22:59

It's ok doc.. it's all good. :)

ColdplaySucks | 18

#5322612 - Monday 14 January 2013 0:29

What's the prize?

timjones | 8

#5323144 - Monday 14 January 2013 10:19

A Coldplay CD.

By kra1985 | 8

#5322312 - Sunday 13 January 2013 19:35

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

lilhellian | 26

#5322331 - Sunday 13 January 2013 19:41

They could be in a bad way financially.. And OP just wants to be considerate and let the mom sleep..

YakuzaxGeneralz | 9

#5322365 - Sunday 13 January 2013 19:59

I just assumed he didn't want to wake his mom because it was midnight

By U_GotitDude | 18

#5322314 - Sunday 13 January 2013 19:36

Something similar to this has happened to me before. I know that pain :( FYL OP.

license2chill | 5

#5322441 - Sunday 13 January 2013 20:55

I had similar experience before, it was also late at night and I was looking for food, I kicked the sharp corner of a hard wood furniture with bare toes by accident, I felt something was screaming inside my body...

yoursucklives | 36

#5323052 - Monday 14 January 2013 9:15

something similar happend to me, but not only was the top layer of my skin taken off, but my toenails too.

By FlamingTacos | 7

#5322317 - Sunday 13 January 2013 19:36

At least you got your granola bar

By funky2525 | 14

#5322323 - Sunday 13 January 2013 19:38

Ouch!!! That probably feels like stubbing your toe except 10 times worse! Sorry Op

XxDevilxXGt | 26

#5322363 - Sunday 13 January 2013 19:58

It probably feels like getting your skin scraped off. Cannot compare using units of stubbed toe!

XxDevilxXGt | 26

#5322364 - Sunday 13 January 2013 19:58

It probably feels like getting your skin scraped off. Cannot compare using units of stubbed toe!

KM96 | 24

#5322370 - Sunday 13 January 2013 20:01

It might be a closer comparison to compare accidentally grating your finger / hand, but 10x worse

By iOceanus | 18

#5322329 - Sunday 13 January 2013 19:40

Oh God, that sounds incredibly painful...

By Smartdumbblonde | 27

#5322338 - Sunday 13 January 2013 19:45

Ouch, that must've hurt. Just think of it this way, it could of been way worse

LolPieRofl | 11

#5322462 - Sunday 13 January 2013 21:24

Explain.

BongRipsForJesus | 7

#5322471 - Sunday 13 January 2013 21:34

*Could've.

Smartdumbblonde | 27

#5322648 - Monday 14 January 2013 1:35

Well it could've pealed off more than one layer of skin to where it started bleeding, or from the bottom of the door, it could've broken a bone in ops foot (by smashing a bone in his foot down and breaking the bone in half).

By TheFirstSamurai | 18

#5322339 - Sunday 13 January 2013 19:45

I just felt the ghost of your feet pass through my feet.