Animals: Today, while trying to open the packaging to my new headphones,... - FML

By Anonymous - 25/04/2016 05:38 - United Kingdom - Telford

Today, while trying to open the packaging to my new headphones, I got startled by my cat suddenly meowing and cut through the headphone wire. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 900

You deserved it 3 228

But there's panic on the streets of Carlisle

Mama's boy

Preventive measures

I don't want to sound ungrateful, but…

By Anonymous - 22/03/2021 01:00 - United Kingdom - London

Today, it was my birthday. I'd told my wife i would love a new battery drill, finally getting a decent one after all these years, and picked out a few nice ones. I opened the present: another cheap off-brand drill. They "didn't have any of the ones I picked out", but this one came with free drill bits. All useless. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 312

You deserved it 215

Great parenting

By VeryLoved - 28/04/2021 19:01 - United Kingdom - Southampton

Today, after a year of staying at home, I finally went out. I had a panic attack and couldn't breathe, so my mum decided to scream at me and slap me so I'd become "normal". FML

I agree, your life sucks 957

You deserved it 204

By Anonymous - 14/12/2014 11:55 - Australia

Today, it's been months since I dropped out of college to escape constantly being bullied and being miserable. Ever since then, I've been having recurring nightmares with the same people bullying me, after which I wake up crying and feeling miserable. My brain is a douchebag. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 532

You deserved it 4 856

By fuckmyplums - 07/02/2014 23:47 - Austria - Grossarl

Today, I worked up the nerve to ask my boss for a raise. Today is also the day I found out my boss has a shitlist of employees he wants to fire, and that I'm now on it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 335

You deserved it 4 624

By Ben - 18/06/2011 15:34 - United States

Today, I found out that my eight year old son is actually my nephew. FML

I agree, your life sucks 87 684

You deserved it 7 081

By Anonymous - 10/04/2009 01:15 - United States

Spicy

Today, I was reminded that I used by dad's camera all summer to take naked pictures for boyfriend when my dad sent me an email saying: "FYI: when you delete pictures directly off the camera they get uploaded as trash files when the camera is connected to the computer." He saw them all. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 026

You deserved it 85 133

By CasperTheFriendlyGhost - 14/07/2016 17:11 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I was told to rub in my sunscreen because I looked like a ghost. I wasn't wearing any. I'm just that white. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 636

You deserved it 1 298

By offbeans - 17/02/2009 02:29 - United States

Today, my 5 year old nephew showed me green martians he'd made with his new Play Doh set. I smiled and said, "Wow! Now, how about some blue martians!" He looked at me and replied, "How about some blue shut the fuck up?!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 267 015

You deserved it 90 652

By XxOx - 04/02/2010 01:18 - France

Today, my mom is going with me for a general check-up at the doctor's office. She just told me she had a nightmare last night that she went to the doctor with me, and he told her I'm pregnant. I am pregnant. I was about to tell her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 593

You deserved it 7 671

By Anonymous - 02/07/2014 23:20 - United Kingdom - Harrow

Today, my shoes were rubbing against my heel so much that one heel started to bleed. Not having any plasters, I stuffed some tissue down my shoe. When I walked off the train, a wad of blood-stained tissue fell out the back of my shoe. The guy behind me didn't think it came from my shoe. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 794

You deserved it 5 395

Have a Coke and smile

By Cokerella - 14/08/2021 09:01 - United States - Pomona

Today, at a work function, I noticed that my boss and my girlfriend kept leaving the room at the same time. Fearing the worst, I waited outside in the hallway. As soon as they went into the bathroom, I pushed my way in. Sex? Nope. They were doing lines of coke off the bathroom counter. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 119

You deserved it 96

By J - 24/11/2009 18:45 - United Kingdom

Today, I watched Paranormal Activity which is known to be the scariest film ever. After the film, I went to brush my teeth and out of the corner of my eye I saw the bathroom door closing by itself. I jumped out of my skin and stabbed myself in the eye with my toothbrush. It was just my dog. FML

I agree, your life sucks 14 590

You deserved it 35 417

QAnon weirdoes

By my kid! - 24/10/2020 14:02 - United States

Today, some idiot with a #saveourchildren shirt followed me around a store. When I finally asked the fucker what their problem was, they started screaming, asking why I was holding hands with black children that obviously didn’t belong to me. I’m white. Their mom is black. They’re my kids. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 088

You deserved it 116

By Anonymous - 31/01/2015 05:38 - United States - Brenham

Today, I got married. My grandpa took me aside afterwards and said that the moment the ceremony was over, he heard my wife's vagina slam shut. "Welcome to marriage, sucker," he chuckled, "It's just you and Rosy Palm now!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 268

You deserved it 3 241

By atleasthelocalsarenice - 04/03/2017 12:00

Today, while camping alone in an isolated area, I was woken up at 3 a.m. by a fellow camper, who then offered me a crayfish and a romantic beach walk as a way of flirtation. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 345

You deserved it 578

By starstruck - 20/11/2009 09:36 - France

Today, I misplaced my wallet. Fortunately, I knew exactly where it was. Unfortunately, I had just taken out the only form of picture ID that morning. I couldn't stop the finders from laughing as they saw my fake celebrity entertainment ID while I tried to convince them it was actually my wallet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 339

You deserved it 17 990

By Anonymous - 30/10/2009 06:02 - United States

Today, I took this gorgeous girl from work to eat at Olive Garden. I was trying to be romantic and had the waiter bring two glasses of wine. I guess she doesn't really drink wine, she covered her fettucini Alfredo in vomit. After dinner, she thanked me with a french kiss. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 916

You deserved it 7 894

By mike - 04/09/2011 17:05 - United States

Today, I was digging in the backyard when my mom came out, nodded her head approvingly, and with a straight face told me it was good practice for when I inevitably go to prison. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 093

You deserved it 4 509

Who are you?

By shannon - 02/04/2021 20:59

Today, I asked my coworker for her name. She screamed at me because apparently I'd already asked her 5 times before. I have no memory of any of it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 766

You deserved it 208

By scorned_jacketless_lady - 26/08/2013 04:52 - Australia - Brisbane

Today, after spending the weekend together, my ex turned nasty. I finally had the balls to tell him what a cruel asshole I think he is and really hit him where it hurts. I felt very empowered and strong. That is, until I realized I left my favourite and rather expensive jacket in his apartment. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 259

You deserved it 16 546

By LG - 17/03/2010 04:18 - United States

Today, I found out that I will be spending my spring break alone because my family is going to France. I can't go with them nor go with any of my friends because I have to take care of the cat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 598

You deserved it 4 125

By observant - 15/05/2012 14:24 - United States

Today, my mom was giving me a long lecture about being aware of my surroundings, because you never know what's out there. While she was talking, I noticed a drug deal going down in the Walmart parking lot. She didn't notice. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 873

You deserved it 2 395

Mask off

By Anonymous - 09/04/2020 20:00 - India

Today, I found out that the guy I've been dating for a year is and always has been gay. I was apparently "an amazingly convenient beard" for his ultra-religious family. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 846

You deserved it 169

By Anonymous - 03/01/2011 10:08 - United States

Today, my ex-girlfriend came over to console me after a breakup. After beating me repeatedly in Mariokart, she decided to leave. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 094

You deserved it 8 474

By Bella - 15/01/2013 18:57 - United States - Sanford

Today, my boyfriend yet again decided to act like Edward Cullen from Twilight, and got his friend to act like Jacob. Every time they're around, my boyfriend always looks stoned and constipated, and his friend is shirtless. I feel like I'm in a shitty romance movie. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 075

You deserved it 7 820

By idefka - 08/04/2017 02:00

Today, I found myself lying to my diary. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 478

You deserved it 1 819

By gimmeasalad - 21/04/2012 06:01 - United States - Walnut Creek

Today, as I was washing my boyfriend's fishbowl, the fish did a Nemo and made an unholy leap down the drain. My immediate impulse was to flip the switch. Our kitchen now smells like mutilated fish and my boyfriend won't speak to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 124

You deserved it 36 810

By Anonymous - 02/03/2011 11:20 - United States

Today, my roommate came home and instantly began raging, cursing, and threatening to kill me. While I was cowering in my bedroom, the police had to settle the situation. All I'd done was rearrange some furniture. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 494

You deserved it 6 308

By Foreverathome - 28/09/2011 05:17 - United States

Today, after months of telling my parents I was going to live on my own, I finally moved out. Not even 24 hours being out of their house, some reject burned down the apartment complex I live in. Guess who's moving back home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 843

You deserved it 2 561

By hobbled - 17/06/2015 19:18 - United States

Today, from across the parking lot, I saw a woman break into my car and steal my "Handicapped parking" placard. Guess why I couldn't stop her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 166

You deserved it 1 993

Keep it down

By Help - 26/11/2011 06:03 - United States

Today, it's the second week into my new neighbors' routine. He works nights, she works days. He likes to blast out Slayer and Napalm Death all day, she likes to drunkenly sing out of tune to Adele all night. I'm on the verge of a nervous breakdown. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 666

You deserved it 2 494

By Whywhywhy - 20/08/2017 13:01

Today, my daughter decided to draw me a heart for my birthday. Unfortunately, she drew it on the side of my car. With a rock. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 262

You deserved it 360

By Spongebob Garypants - 26/05/2016 02:05 - United Kingdom - Manchester

Today, I went into my kitchen after placing a line of salt across the floor in front of the back door the night before to ward off slugs that keep getting in, only to find 12 idiotic slugs dead and shrivelled up, leaving a horrible gooey mess. I don't know why I expected any intelligence from them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 191

You deserved it 2 057

By Lolly - 12/09/2018 23:30

Today, I have a UTI that spread to my kidneys, a yeast infection, and a herpes outbreak. Oh, and my period came this morning. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 207

You deserved it 803

By Voice29 - 26/03/2009 21:11 - United States

Today, I bought my girlfriend two tickets to a Broadway show that was coming through town she really wanted to see. I couldn't attend with her due to work so she said she would take her mom. I found out later she took her ex. Now they're back together, and I paid for the date that made it happen. FML

I agree, your life sucks 179 745

You deserved it 24 793

By Anonymous - 03/04/2012 14:16 - Australia - Sandringham

Today, I realised that I only get dandruff when I'm stressed about having dandruff. Which is whenever I have dandruff. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 137

You deserved it 4 233

By Ashamed - 20/04/2012 07:34 - United States - Somerville

Today, I blurted out something like "humdidumdum erm lalala" in public, attracting mystified stares. The thing is, I do this every time I remember something embarrassing I've said or done in the past, in an attempt to erase it out of my consciousness. So it happens a lot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 349

You deserved it 10 414

By chumleevil - 08/07/2011 04:20 - United States

Spicy

Today, after running a couple of miles, I went upstairs into my air-conditioned room to cool off. Apparently, my mom walked past my room and heard me breathing heavily. Later, she had my dad give me a talk about masturbation. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 114

You deserved it 3 489

By jeesh - 31/01/2009 11:48 - United States

Today, my girlfriend caught me picking my nose and eating the booger. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 933

You deserved it 89 149

By Enyo - 01/01/2013 17:35 - Reserved

Today, I found my dogs freezing outside. My neighbor was supposed to watch them while I was away, and on my way home I called to let her know she should let them have a quick walk. She thought I'd be home soon enough that she wouldn't have to let them back in. It was minus 10c out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 609

You deserved it 4 307

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Tuesday 26 April 2016 0:05

Guess you could say it was a catastrophe.

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Tuesday 26 April 2016 0:03

How do you get startled by a cat meowing?

Comments

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Tuesday 26 April 2016 0:03

How do you get startled by a cat meowing?

Miss_Whipped 43

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Tuesday 26 April 2016 0:29

My cat, Raven, is in heat at the moment. Her meows are both startling and disturbing.

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Tuesday 26 April 2016 0:30

You can be startled by pretty much anything if you're concentrating hard enough and aren't paying attention to anything else around you. I've managed to startle myself while doing something so it's possible even if you do feel like a complete idiot.

sleepyolivia 14

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Tuesday 26 April 2016 9:13

I'm startled extremely easily. If it's really quiet and I'm closing a door, even if I know the volume at which the door will shut and exactly when it will shut I'll still get startled when it shuts.

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Tuesday 26 April 2016 16:27

#1 Cats. Are. Ninjas. Nuff said.

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Tuesday 26 April 2016 0:05

Guess you could say it was a catastrophe.

PrincessZelda_HR 22

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Wednesday 27 April 2016 14:11

Someday I'll figure out the algorithm for what puns are allowed

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Tuesday 26 April 2016 0:16

Trying to picture the situation...I don't see how a cats meow can startle you enough to jerk the knife that bad. But maybe it's just an obnoxious evil cat that likes to prank you like that.

lysx84 24

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Tuesday 26 April 2016 7:35

Maybe op doesn't have a cat. I know I'd be startled if I heard a cat meow in my flat...

sempisaviour 17

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Tuesday 26 April 2016 7:37

21, OP did state "my cat."

feven 32

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Tuesday 26 April 2016 0:19

Good thing you didn't kill your hat.

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Tuesday 26 April 2016 0:22

How can a cat startle you to the point of breaking your headphone's wire?

Hirooooochan 10

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Tuesday 26 April 2016 0:23

cats are jerks. hope the headphones weren't too expensive, that would suck.

Tractor_Bait 10

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Tuesday 26 April 2016 0:24

Just solder the wires back

catlover5299 18

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Tuesday 26 April 2016 5:18

that could fuse the wires that are supposed to be separate for a reason: so they work. sorry about your headphones being ruined tho op.

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Tuesday 26 April 2016 0:25

This is why dogs are better than cats.

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Tuesday 26 April 2016 0:29

Yeah, because dogs definitely aren't louder than cats, and the sounds they make aren't more startling than the sounds cats make. T_T

catlover5299 18

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Tuesday 26 April 2016 5:11

would you rather have a dog barking as you are trying to sleep, or a cat meowing while you are trying to sleep...

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Tuesday 26 April 2016 0:49

Was this after your girlfriend dumped you because you bought the cat for her?

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Tuesday 26 April 2016 3:04

Why are ao so close to your new headphones with the blade to begin with? Even the ridiculous safety plastic, one you cut in you can just tear it.

Nearly

Today, a tech came to repair my cracked phone screen. He told me to remove my case and took it to his van in my driveway to fix it. Thirty minutes later, he rings my doorbell and hands me my phone back. He says he fixed the screen but tripped and dropped it walking back to my house, and completely shattered the back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51

You deserved it 3

Today, my girlfriend called off our plans to get married, all because I didn't “make enough time” while I was busy renovating the house for her parents to come over. FML

I agree, your life sucks 144

You deserved it 10

Spicy

Spicy

Today, I spent all day waiting for an unlikely follow up text from the girl from Tinder I let peg me on the first date. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31

You deserved it 63

Today, I swear I'm off men for good after my latest dud date wanted me to pee on his chest to turn him on, and we were only 20 minutes into the first date. The entire male gender are disgusting pigs, no matter how nice they pretend to be. FML

I agree, your life sucks 480

You deserved it 598