Intimacy: Today, while talking online with my boyfriend, the conversation... - FML

By Anonymous - United States

Today, while talking online with my boyfriend, the conversation turns sexual. He stops responding but I continue with the conversation. Then I get a response: "this is his sister. He fell asleep and I need the computer. I'll tell him you said goodnight, but not that other stuff". FML

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Messed up

Small town blues

Territorial pissings

By Anonymous

Today, I found out that, after a year of separation, my ex-wife is pregnant and due in a few months. The divorce became official a few weeks ago and the father is my former best friend. FML

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By Chan - United States

Today, I spilled hot coffee all over this man at work. I tried apologizing and saying it was an accident, but he then complained, which resulted in me being unemployed. The man I spilled coffee on was my uncle. FML

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By jaybob18 - United States

Today, I finally used the statistics book that I forked out $120 to buy. To kill an ant. FML

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By Toolate

Today, after having gone off the pill a couple of weeks ago, I finally got my old friskiness back only to find part of a condom wrapper in my husband's pocket. Turns out he was impatient and went elsewhere. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/3/2021 05:01

Lookin' good

Today, I was sitting in the bus station when an old woman looked over at me, then said to her friend, "Young women are so pretty these days." Her friend looked up at me and said, "That's because makeup is so cheap these days." FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Chatswood

Today, I tried to be seductive to get intimate with my boyfriend. He commented on how sexy I looked, and how badly he wanted me, then asked me to move because I was blocking the TV, and the World Cup match he was watching. FML

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By _akwardsituation - Canada

Today, I realized the odd smell I've been trying to get out of the house is coming from me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Seattle

Today, while working the graveyard shift at my hotel, it felt a little chilly, so I grabbed a blanket out of the box we usually store old blankets in. 20 minutes later, the live-in maintenance man casually remarked that those blankets are all infected with bed-bugs. FML

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By Farah - Bangladesh

Today, I e-mailed an employer to ask about a job I had applied for earlier. The employer in question was on vacation. The person who replied had the position which I had applied for mentioned in their signature. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my husband is still swearing he’s not cheating, forgetting I have a bachelor's in criminal justice with a minor in criminology. Leaving for work 2 hours early going to the same address every morning? Late every evening going to the same said address? How stupid does he think I am? FML

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By Bortenssen - Australia - Perth

It was either an expensive event, or learn to manage your money.

Today, I found out that the reason I couldn’t buy a commemorative jacket to wear at my rugby club's 50th anniversary was because the event had already happened. I paid in full for the event, and it cost me most of my savings. FML

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By BadassRumbleroar - Canada

Today, I found out that when you are sitting on a full bench at a bus stop, some crazy person will come sit on you. FML

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By phlyingphuck - United States

Today, I had a serious allergic reaction to the food I ate at a Chinese restaurant that supposedly didn't contain peanuts. According to my waitress, peanut oil "doesn't count". FML

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By psd60 - United States - San Antonio

Today, my dog died and I told my grandfather I wanted her to be cremated. I came home later to find him burning her in our barbecue pit. FML

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By dating a pussy - United States - Maryville

Scream

Today, I was watching TV, when I heard a blood-curdling scream from my boyfriend upstairs. It sounded like he was being murdered with a rusty fork, and I rushed to see what the hell was going on, hitting my shin against the stairs in the process. He'd stubbed his toe. FML

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By whiskey'swino

Today, while working in a dark nightclub, I dropped a red charger. Retracing my steps, I found it, or so I thought until I picked up a used tampon. FML

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By Anonymous - New Zealand

Today, my boyfriend of nearly two years broke up with me because he's sick of me being annoyed at him. Why am I annoyed at him? Because he wants to go and spend a week with his ex. FML

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By Uh oh....

Today, I was awakened by a small scary dark figure approaching me while making creepy noises. I screamed, kicked it away, and buried my face under my pillow. Later, after braving up, I turned on the lights. It was my sick 3-year-old niece, now dazed and coughing blood. FML

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By JillianJuneBug

Mexican Standoff

Today, I had no choice but to use a public bathroom. I have issues going when there are others in the stalls, and apparently another person did as well. We both sat there in silence, waiting stubbornly for the other to give up and leave so we could go. It’s been 20 minutes. FML

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By bitchyhiccups - United States - Tempe

Hush

Today, I got a horrible case of the hiccups while at my friend's mother's funeral, resulting in me squeaking loudly every five seconds during the eulogy. My friend glared daggers at me until I left the room, then later accused me of being an insensitive bitch for "trying to ruin the funeral." FML

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By ThanksDog

Today, after months of planning the perfect night with my brother, who was coming home for 2 weeks from the military, he cancelled because he "missed his dog". FML

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By lonelyashell - United States

Today, I realized that over the course of this winter, there have been more snow days in Atlanta than days in which I have ever been on a date. FML

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By Zach - United States - Lewes

Today, I found out the only reason my parents haven't kicked me out yet is because of my OCD which makes me clean the house every single day. FML

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By RedFace - United States

Today, I was at a band concert with 500 other people. The song they were performing stopped, and I loved it so much I stood up and clapped. Everyone stared, while I slowly realized the song wasn't over. FML

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By Little tears - 2/1/2021 14:05 - United States

Cranking

Today, I was so sad and lonely that I drunkenly masturbated to Game of Thrones scenes featuring Petyr Baelish. FML

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By Not-so-good-gymnast - Australia

Today, I removed the safety padding from around the trampoline because it seemed useless. This afternoon, I did a backflip, got my hair stuck in the springs, ripped out a chunk of my hair, and face planted it into the brick pavers. FML

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By lilsis - Australia

Today, my sister asked me if any of my family members had commented on my recent weight gain. I told her no not really. Her reply? "They must just being saying it behind your back then." FML

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By Puick - France - Sonchamp

Today, I went to a party organised by my ex. I was the last to sit down, after looking at the nametags on all 50+ chairs. That's how I realised the chair labelled "Fuckface" was mine; the one located between her parents' seats. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/3/2021 18:30 - United States - Randolph

You sleep in your pants?

Today, I dreamt that I was using the toilet. The toilet was a dream, but the rest wasn't. My pants were soaked. FML

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By Anonymous - Monaco

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me because I'm "high maintenance." I'd only asked him to use deodorant and brush his teeth. He hasn't had a shower in over a week. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/2/2021 07:58

Simps gonna simp

Today, I just found out that I was missing almost $500 from my debit card. Turns out my brother used my card to simp on a streamer. When I confronted him, he said, "But you would have simped on her either way." FML

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By Redhead

Today, I decided to get in the cowgirl position since it's my fiancé's favorite. I got a little carried away during the "ride" and suddenly heard his dick crack. I fractured his penis. He's never going to have sex with me again. FML

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By job hunter - United States - New York

Today, I interviewed for my dream job. Everything was going great until the interviewer asked, "So, what's your least favorite race?" FML

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By housebroken - United States

Today, my godmother informed me that the rule of thumb my ex had used for our relationship during a year of cohabitation was taken directly from a Cesar Millan book on "How to train dogs." FML

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By messyfamily - Australia

Today, I had to listen to my mother flirting on the phone with my dad's new girlfriend's ex-husband. FML

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By Audrey Anna Grace Somers

Today, I was trying on a dress at my grandmother's house. When I posed for her, she told me she would expand the waist, because I won't be sucking in the whole time I would be wearing it. The joke's on you Grandma, I've been sucking my stomach in since I was twelve years old. FML

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By Sadmom - United States - Cherry Hill

Today, I found out that my son thinks it's acceptable to use words like "on fleek" in high school level essays. FML

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By Anon - United States

Today, I was on the subway. I have fairly serious OCD, so I avoided holding the poles or handles. All the seats were taken, so I leaned against a wall. At the next stop, an obese, sweaty man got on and grabbed the two poles around me, effectively hugging me. My shirt was wet when he left. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I got an angry text, asking me why I wasn't at the staff dinner. I've been gone for the last 2 weeks, and I wasn't told about it. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my 17 year old asked me whether to chew or swallow grapes. I raised this dumbass. FML

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Top comments

By triplethreat13 | 0

#564521 - Tuesday 15 September 2009 13:58

why would you continue the conversation? if the other person stops responding, there's no point talking because you don't know if they're reading what you're saying.

By SlightlyGPirate | 0

#564449 - Tuesday 15 September 2009 12:18

oh ouch that sucks

COMMENTS

By SlightlyGPirate | 0

#564449 - Tuesday 15 September 2009 12:18

oh ouch that sucks

Reply

pingpongpickle | 8

#1022324 - Monday 7 June 2010 5:15

hahah he fell asleep, mustve been pretty bored

Reply

Turfin | 0

#1112186 - Tuesday 20 July 2010 5:31

how ouch more like hide under ur covers embarassment

By himynameisadam | 0

#564466 - Tuesday 15 September 2009 12:31

haha this made my day and first

Reply

shinshoku13 | 19

#4433237 - Monday 14 May 2012 12:59

I think you should start by putting an "and" in your comment

By fucksmyylife | 0

#564476 - Tuesday 15 September 2009 12:47

ydi for being a cyber whore

By mrlucky4444 | 0

#564477 - Tuesday 15 September 2009 12:48

Lol that's funny

By fucksmyylife | 0

#564483 - Tuesday 15 September 2009 12:53

you probably should have continued and convince his sister to have a threesome.

By jimmyjimjobobo | 0

#564492 - Tuesday 15 September 2009 12:57

haha how embarissing! FYL

___________________________

www.youtube/jimmyjimjobobo123.com

By Jincos | 0

#564493 - Tuesday 15 September 2009 12:57

Look out! You attracted a lesbian!

Reply

Cjw1220 | 0

#1593817 - Sunday 24 October 2010 9:25

Lesbians are strange creatures

Reply

TheGuyInsideU | 0

#2276087 - Friday 1 April 2011 8:47

girl on girl action while the guy gets all the benifits xD

By triplethreat13 | 0

#564521 - Tuesday 15 September 2009 13:58

why would you continue the conversation? if the other person stops responding, there's no point talking because you don't know if they're reading what you're saying.

By littlegolferboy | 4

#564569 - Tuesday 15 September 2009 15:02

This is funny, because I've done something pretty similar. Except I usually deduce for myself that the person fell asleep and never had to deal with any siblings.

By kingkash | 0

#564640 - Tuesday 15 September 2009 16:24

hahahah THAT WAS EPIC!!