Work: Today, while taking a drug test for a volunteer job, I found...

By peeepeee. - United States

Today, while taking a drug test for a volunteer job, I found out that I have a "shy bladder". It took me ages to pee into a cup. I was congratulated and clapped for by complete strangers when I finally left for taking a piss. FML

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Work

And today, on Dr Phil…

Letting yourself go

Rationalization

By Mdrk783 - United States

Today, I was hanging out with a co-worker who I really liked. One thing led to another and we ended up going to her house and hooked up. Once we'd finished, I noticed another co-workers ID on the floor by her bed. I asked her about it and she said he must have dropped it there last night. FML

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By beerpong26 - United States

Today, my girlfriend was about to give me a blowjob. When her lips met my penis, there was a huge static shock. I never got the blowjob, she is still laughing and I have ice on my penis. FML

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By gross - Canada

Today, I was playing my guitar outside my apartment building, and some people had put some money in my guitar case. One guy threw in what I thought was a crumpled piece of paper or something. It was actually a used condom. It leaked all over the money and my case. FML

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By time to put you down, gran - United States

Today, I went to Hollister with my grandmother. She immediately started yelling about the music being too loud, and ordered the staff to "shut the damn thing off". She was yelling at a bunch of mannequins. FML

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By mother to an ugly doll - Canada - Edmonton

Today, my car window got smashed, because someone somehow confused the doll my daughter always leaves strapped into a carseat for an actual kid. It's a cabbage patch kid. FML

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By my kids smell bad

Today, I got into a screaming match with the mother of my kids. I told her they need to bathe more often. According to her, anything more than once a week is excessive and bad for their skin. My kids play sports and smell like puppies from the pound. She doesn’t care. FML

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By Meg

Today, we moved 2,700 miles across the U.S. to better our lives, with job offers and home options lined up. All of them were given to other people or turned out to be scams. FML

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By spiderchick23 - United States

Today, I was on the phone with an elderly customer at work. I had to spend 10 minutes listening to him describe how the underwear he bought was too tight and caused his bladder to leak. FML

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By KalaKa - United States

Today, I sent my girlfriend a long-overdue message telling her I feel like she doesn't really care about me any more, that it seems like she only ever calls me when she needs money, and that I'm even starting to suspect she may be cheating on me. 14 hours later, she replied: "TL;DR". FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had an interview for a college. The college is in Rhode Island. I live on the West coast. When I asked the interviewer if they got to the mainland by boat or by some other form of transportation, he told me Rhode Island is not an island. FML

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By Cinnamon - Jamaica

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because she thought I was cheating on her. With my own sister. FML

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By slondons - United Kingdom

Today, my friends were acting strange around me. This afternoon, I got a text asking me to meet them out for a couple of drinks. Because of all the strange acting, I decided to tell them I'd go and then not go. I just found out they had been planning me a surprise party. FML

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By PaperInfection - United States

Today, I fell in a hole in my back yard and got stuck. My mother called the fire department. They all stood around laughing and taking pictures before they helped me. FML

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By TakenAdvantageOf

Today, my husband asked to borrow money. He couldn't pay his half of the rent or utilities this month, but he did manage to buy a $1,700 radio. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I woke up at 2:30 AM. Thinking I was going to be late for my 3:30 AM flight, I rushed into the bathroom to shower. As I came out of the shower, I slipped and broke my arm. I then realized my flight is tomorrow. FML

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By nosebleeder - Sweden

Today, I was terribly late for class, so I rushed to the classroom door, thinking it was unlocked. I smacked face-first into the glass, and awkwardly fell to the floor. Once I got back up, I peeked through the glass, only to realise it wasn't even my class. FML

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By CancerFdMyLife - United States - Washington

Today, I learned that an antidepressant that works too well is a stimulant. I've been jittering and twitching like a meth-head, and my co-workers are asking when Jesse will be showing up with my "stuff". FML

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By eww. - Australia

Today, I kissed my gorgeous new boyfriend for the first time. I ran my hands through his hair; a multitude of dandruff rained out and five lice crawled onto my hand. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Ramon

Today, my mother-in-law tried to "accidentally" run me over. FML

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By rubmytummy - United States

Today, I was helping my church clean up a park. I was given a sledgehammer and told to break up a concrete picnic table so we could haul it off. About half way through I swung the sledgehammer REALLY hard, completely missed the table, and hit myself in the shin. FML

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By insomniac

Today, my sister is nursing an injured cat back to health in our home because she accidentally hit it with her car. Now I can't decide which is contributing more to my insomnia: the incessant meowing, or the constant itching because our house is infested with fleas. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Sexy time

Today, I tried to be sexy and put a condom on with my mouth. Instead, I inhaled it and my boyfriend broke three of my ribs giving me the Heimlich maneuver. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Brampton

Today, I mowed over a bird while mowing the lawn. It wasn't dead, so I had to mow over it a second time to put it out of its misery. Now there are pieces of dead bird all over my lawn and I can't sleep. FML

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By ew - United States

Today, I found my shower loofa near the bathroom trash. My husband has a habit of throwing things out of the shower if they are in his way, so I thought nothing of it and took at bath with it. When he came home from work, he said he had thrown it away because he used it to clean the toilet. FML

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By anonymous - Korea Republic of

Today, I asked my mom if I could join my friends in getting lessons in self defense. My mom told me that I didn't need them because my face was a better weapon to repel anyone. FML

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By yeahthatsme - United States

Today, I placed a personal ad advertising myself as an overweight woman wanting sex. I sent pictures of me in lingerie to men who replied and was pleased that almost all were still interested. Then I sent face pics. As it turns out, being fat is not my problem. Apparently I'm ugly. FML

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By just die already - United Kingdom - London

Today, I found out my psycho ex also reads FML. She called me at work, pissed that I'd "publicly humiliated" her on here. I haven't posted about her at all. I'm sure the brick I found thrown through my window a few hours later has nothing to do with her, though. FML

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By Jpev - United States - Huntsville

Compensating

Today, my girlfriend and I were walking back to my car after a long day of work. A large SUV had parked next to mine, so I jokingly said to my girlfriend, "What do you think they're compensating for?" That's when the couple behind us unlocked their vehicle. FML

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By CP19JK12KH - United States

Today, I had a rare phone call from my ex-girlfriend. We ended up talking for hours about old times. It was the best conversation we have had in forever, it made me miss her and miss us. Later on in the day, she called back asking what we talked about. She was too high too remember. FML

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By Goki - Canada

Today, I was shopping at Shoppers Drug Mart with my mom. As we pulled up to the cashier, I noticed it was a really hot girl from my school. Trying to be cool, I told my mom that I'll be paying for the purchases. My debit card was denied. My mom had to pay. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Saint Petersburg

Today, I gave my boss a report I wrote on my own time, full of suggestions on how to increase productivity and profits at our company. He said my ideas made "about as much sense as pistol-whipping a ghost" and that I was impressing no-one. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was taking the final exam for one of my classes. The teacher came over to my desk, grabbed my test and ripped it in half. Then he grabbed my hand and read the note I had written on it to remind myself to pay rent. FML

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By Unluggee - United Kingdom

Today, at a party, my three friends and I thought it would be fun to urinate in a jug. We dislike the neighbours, so decided to throw the contents of the jug over the fence into their garden. It hit a tree and splashed back. I ended up covered in our piss. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Gatineau

Today, my dad was doing FaceTime with a friend. He turned his iPhone towards my sister and said "There's my daughter..." He then turned it to me and said "...and there's my ugly son", then walked away. I'm still not sure if it's a joke or not. FML

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By disneyworld - United States

Today, my dad decides to tell me he's taking the whole family to disney world, even my step-brother's girlfriend. But not me, because he can't "afford" it. FML

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By - France

Today, when I saw a big box that looked like a playstation, I got really excited and my parents were there and everything looked like it really was something big, so I start to open the wrapper and surprise... it was a lamp. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - York

Today, I asked my best friend if he would do me the honour of becoming my son's godfather. He replied, "Um, that's just rude. You know I'm an atheist." Huh? FML

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By Stixchop - United States

Today, I went to go get a haircut and I asked how much it was for a haircut, shampoo, and a blow job. I meant to say blow dry. FML

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By mydadforgetsme - United States - Philadelphia

Today, my dad forgot it's my birthday. When I told him about it, he accused me of lying and threatened to ground me for a week. FML

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By Clumsyblonde22 - United States

Today, my aunt gave my cat aspirin because when she touched his nose he had a 'fever'. I came home to a dead cat. FML

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Top comments

By snavula | 0

#263140 - Thursday 4 June 2009 2:01

A drug test for a volunteer job? That's outrageous. What's wrong with a drug addict who wants to help? They're not getting paid..

By loveyababe | 0

#263094 - Thursday 4 June 2009 1:56

had that happen before. sucks

COMMENTS

By loveyababe | 0

#263094 - Thursday 4 June 2009 1:56

had that happen before. sucks

azhein | 0

#1030654 - Tuesday 15 June 2010 8:03

they normally get pissed at me and make me go drink water and try again if I take over a minute or so

By JesusInRealLife | 0

#263097 - Thursday 4 June 2009 1:56

Thnk you so much for not saying first.

sockmonkey560 | 0

#418532 - Wednesday 22 July 2009 8:33

who cares if someone says first anyway! why is that such a huge deal to people i don't get it! i have better things to worry about then if someone comments that they were first.

sockmonkey560 | 0

#418539 - Wednesday 22 July 2009 8:36

god! who cares if they say first or not! don't you have anything better to worry about then to get annoyed when someone comments first on something(actually you probably don't...)!!! it's not a big deal when someone says first so why do people make it one! just ignore it if it so insults you! i for one have much bigger things to worry about!

By 1nicent1 | 0

#263107 - Thursday 4 June 2009 1:57

LOL!! I took forever to piss also but they didn't clap for me

By Bushkabob | 0

#263109 - Thursday 4 June 2009 1:57

That's just super fantastic.

By Bumlove89 | 0

#263110 - Thursday 4 June 2009 1:58

Sorry I dont find this amusing or even FML worthy.

By MadeInCanada | 0

#263115 - Thursday 4 June 2009 1:58

How long were you in there? ._.

By sawdy | 0

#263119 - Thursday 4 June 2009 1:58

you need to be proud of your junk!!

By HeyGirlHey8D | 1

#263124 - Thursday 4 June 2009 1:59

Hahahahahah!
That's hilarious!

By truslide | 0

#263129 - Thursday 4 June 2009 1:59

maybe you just didn't have to go? drink more.

By zeusseta | 0

#263131 - Thursday 4 June 2009 2:00

Well you did put on quite a show.