Today, while running on the treadmill at the gym, I tried to... - FML

By Ouch - 21/6/2013 03:06 - Canada - Vancouver

Today, while running on the treadmill at the gym, I tried to wipe some sweat off my brow before it could make its way down into my eye. I ended up poking myself in the eye so hard that I yelped, stumbled and was thrown off the still-moving treadmill while trying to regain my balance. FML

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By yomamma787 - 24/11/2009 17:11 - United States

Today, I was outside, peeing on a cactus. Then all of a sudden my dog jumped on my back, knocking me into the cactus. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/12/2012 04:56 - United States - Medina

Today, I woke up on my boyfriend's bedroom floor. When I asked him why I was there, he said I'd gotten too hot, so he rolled me off his bed. I have the flu and a fever. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/8/2009 17:14 - United States

Today, my girlfriend named my penis "little baby carrot." FML

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By winner winner chicken dinner - 26/9/2018 05:00

Today, I finally won at bingo after playing every Thursday night for months. It was a $750 bingo. I split with 85 other winners. My share was $8. FML

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By I_dislike_Twilight - 8/9/2011 12:52 - United States

Today, my wife showed me what was missing in our marriage with a Twilight video montage. FML

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By ShowerGirl - 30/4/2013 07:54 - United States

Today, while I was in the shower, I heard a door slam. Assuming it was my fiancé, I shouted "I love you!" I later opened the bathroom door to see my stereo and television missing. I'd said "I love you" to whoever robbed my apartment. FML

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By sleepingbeauty - 24/4/2016 08:45 - United States - Jackson

Today, I got in a fight with my boyfriend. I sent him a long message pouring my heart out about how hurt I am that he constantly ignores me or responds to almost everything I say in monosyllables. He texted back "ok". FML

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By fml9124 - 7/11/2019 20:00

Does she really love me?

Today, my wife and I watch the Chargers play the Packers. Philip Rivers is the Chargers quarterback. Out of the blue, my wife says "Philip is a stupid name." My middle name is Philip. We have been married 32 years. FML

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By "Noelle Diane Irwin" - 21/2/2019 16:00

Today, I just found out that my sister slept with the guy that I have had a crush on for years and that she may or may not be pregnant with his child. FML

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By Walker - 4/11/2009 20:00 - United Kingdom

Today, my parents, who are divorced, were arguing over who has to pay for my bus pass. They decided they wouldn't pay unless the other one did too. Neither will pay the £60 it'll cost for my bus pass. I now have to walk to school every day, in freezing winter weather. It's 9 miles. Each way. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/7/2019 20:00

Today, my husband put up one of those sticky fly trap strips behind our toilet. I was tired and didn't notice it in the dark bathroom. I leaned back and it stuck in my hair. I didn't notice the dead flies in my hair until I went to buy lunch. FML

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By Anon - 8/3/2012 11:53 - United States

Today, I was called an assortment of names and was almost followed home by a crazy bitch. Why? Because I stated that it was unsanitary for her to bring her dog to a grocery store. She clearly disagreed. FML

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By scumbag - 5/11/2009 10:12 - United States

Today, I got a call from the guy I have been seeing. I wasn't him. It was his wife wondering why I have her husband's number. FML

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By Oops - 10/6/2013 11:22 - United States

Today, my friend got dumped. I wanted to say, "You must be devastated", thinking, "That really sucks." I said, "You must really suck." FML

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By tingles - 19/1/2013 13:20 - United Kingdom - Solihull

Today, while having sex with my boyfriend, he reached out onto my dressing table to grab the lube. He missed, and found the hand sanitizer instead. I'm not sure who is in more pain. FML

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By literature - 3/11/2014 11:04

Today, we are reading Animal Farm in class. Almost the entire class think it's about animal abuse. Including the teacher. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/3/2011 05:14 - United States

Today, it was the début of the high school musical I was in. When two others and I sang the word "Hell", my mother yelled at us for using that language, while the musical was still going, and dragged me off stage. FML

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By Arniii - 1/2/2012 18:53 - United States

Today, it was our class field trip. I got five dollars from ten different people because they wanted me to sit away from them. FML

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By Emmz91 - 6/9/2019 16:00

Brain fart

Today, I couldn't open my car door from the inside. I rang my father-in-law in a panic and he opened it from the outside for me. Then he asked why I just didn't roll down the window and do it myself. FML

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By wittlegirl - 13/7/2011 18:16 - United States

Today, my parents think that I don't realize all the sexual euphemisms in their conversations. One of the more recent ones being made by my dad at the dinner table: "This sausage is great, honey, but mine is bigger and tastier!" FML

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By horribleevening - 31/1/2019 22:00 - Australia - Hornsby

Today, my wife was sitting next to me surrounded by friends and she decided to start looking up the man that she had an affair on Facebook on her phone - all while I am sitting right next to her. FML

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By andibartle - 18/10/2010 04:39 - United States

Hello?

Today, at my new job, I was answering the phone and said "Hello Cafe Thirty, how may I help you?" The man on the other line said "Don't you mean Old Town Cafe?" Cafe Thirty was my old job. I now work at Old Town Cafe. The man on the other line was my boss. FML

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By Too Late - 19/12/2019 03:00 - United States - Sheboygan

Hard test

Today, I went in to take my College Placement tests. I'd spent all week ignoring actual homework to study for these tests. When I got there, the responsible told me that the tests were last week. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/11/2012 18:28 - Argentina - Villa Sarmiento

Today, I was giving my son a driving lesson. He blatantly ran a red light, so I told him to pull over to let me drive us home. As I walked over to the driver-side door, he instead locked me out and drove off by himself. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/10/2020 23:02 - United States

OK, bye then

Today, my boyfriend of 3 years sprung the news that he had gotten a new job across the country and would be moving immediately. With his wife and children. First I'm hearing about them. FML

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By college kid - 31/7/2010 04:39 - United States

Today, I found out that the day I moved out of my parents' house, they invited my whole family over and had a party to celebrate the fact that I was gone. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/12/2009 22:54 - United States

Today, my tire was a little low on air. I decided to put in a can of Fix-A-Flat and drive home. Since it was 10 degrees outside and snowing, the can became frozen to the valve. When I finally got the can off, I had ruined the valve, so I had to put on the spare tire. It was flat too. FML

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By twelvie - 23/3/2015 14:24 - Australia - Sydney

Today, my younger sister stopped talking to me. I got engaged to my boyfriend of 4 years and apparently, she's been in love with him since she met him. Through me. She's 12. FML

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By embarassed - 8/8/2009 14:53 - United States

Today, I went for a hike with my new boyfriend on a fairly deserted trail my ex-husband had shown me awhile back. In all my hikes there, I've never seen another person and figured it would be okay to get intimate. Guess who came hiking past? That's right, my ex-husband. And our 8yr old son. FML

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By Eringobrag88 - 27/6/2011 16:08 - United States

Today, I woke up to my two year old crawling in bed with me and saying, "I poop". Normally this would be ok, but this morning she decided she didn't need a diaper. FML

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By Doglover - 13/10/2011 15:55 - United Kingdom

Today, I had to climb up and sit in a tree for half an hour to avoid being mauled by a huge, insane dog. Its weird-looking owner eventually turned up, sneered at me, and walked off with the visibly smug dog in tow. FML

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By Banana - 4/12/2012 16:04 - Puerto Rico

Today, I was riding the train and someone farted. Everyone looked at me. People always blame farts on the fat guy. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/11/2015 11:40 - Austria - Vienna

Today, my boyfriend canceled our date last-minute. He claimed he had no time because he had to iron his towels. FML

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By Fatass - 18/4/2014 05:37 - United States - Knoxville

Today, I lied to the cashier at my local store, saying that I was "nominated to buy the candy for the party" when in actuality I went home and gorged on it alone. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/3/2012 04:16 - United States

Today, I was shaving naked in my cold bathroom before showering. My wife walked up behind me, yelled "Shrinkage!" and flicked the head of my penis as hard as she could. FML

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By GrandmasWhore - 4/4/2009 05:59 - United States

Today, my grandma gave me the 'abstinence' speech. I had thought she already left to go back to FL but then came into my room to tell me how proud she was of me to keep my virginity. I was doing it doggie-style with my boyfriend. FML

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By Curly - 9/1/2013 00:26 - United States - Ashburn

Today, my wife has the flu, while I have strep throat. We have a two-year-old toddler and have no clue as to who's more contagious and who should take care of her as to not get her sick. Yay for the entire day of surgical masks and Sesame Street. FML

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By lice - 28/3/2009 13:34 - United States

Today, after having sex with my boyfriend I went into his shower to freshen up. Where I saw an open bottle of pubic lice shampoo. FML

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By f u doc - 30/9/2020 17:01 - United States

Time's up

Today, I had two different doctor's appointments with different specialists at the same hospital. Doctor #1 kept me waiting so long doctor #2 refused to see me. I tried to explain I was in the building and why I was late, but he wouldn’t hear it. I’d already waited 4 months for these appointments. FML

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By njh - 27/3/2015 13:29 - Ireland

Today, my 3-year-old son said to me, "Fuck a duck, Daddy." I have no idea where he heard this. FML

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Top comments

By DaniPandi | 22

#5545095 - Friday 21 June 2013 9:48

This is why we attach the clip-things to our waistbands.

By KBurns207 | 17

#5545091 - Friday 21 June 2013 9:47

Ahahaha I would love to have seen this. Just laugh at yourself and go about your day. Not much else you can do

COMMENTS

By DjMonroe95 | 11

#5545086 - Friday 21 June 2013 9:45

It's all good gimp a long :)

Reply

Pesticides | 19

#5545154 - Friday 21 June 2013 10:48

ya could''ve just dealt with the sweat

Reply

Ambient25 | 24

#5545206 - Friday 21 June 2013 12:31

I have to ask just how did that happen? When people wipe their eyes it's usually with the flat of their fingers, not exactly poke capable. I'm guessing OP was at a really high speed, bouncing around, and hit the tip. Shake your head next time there buddy.

Reply

evilscorpi | 29

#5545249 - Friday 21 June 2013 13:04

#24 I guess you dont sweat, because its not something you would eant to ignore, especially on a treadmill. also op story sounds like something you would see on YouTube

Reply

suboy | 10

#5545389 - Friday 21 June 2013 16:00

Well that escalated quickly!!

PS- I know most of you hate this phrase now but cmon it fits so perfectly.

By Megan639 | 16

#5545089 - Friday 21 June 2013 9:47

Well, that's embarrassing. You have my sympathy.

Reply

boofgall | 16

#5545109 - Friday 21 June 2013 9:58

You're not alone op, pretty much the same thing happened to me too once!

By KBurns207 | 17

#5545091 - Friday 21 June 2013 9:47

Ahahaha I would love to have seen this. Just laugh at yourself and go about your day. Not much else you can do

By tragicnightmare | 15

#5545092 - Friday 21 June 2013 9:47

Well OP, did you regain your balance? I'm also curious to know if anyone saw.

Reply

happylappy | 21

#5545144 - Friday 21 June 2013 10:37

It says at the gym. I'm pretty sure someone was close enough to see or at least see the aftermath of OP writhing on the ground in pain.

Reply

sirspankalot | 11

#5545849 - Friday 21 June 2013 23:33

If anybody did see I expect it would have a domino effect of people tripping in a similar manner over the treadmills...

By DaniPandi | 22

#5545095 - Friday 21 June 2013 9:48

This is why we attach the clip-things to our waistbands.

Reply

VampireBiter | 7

#5548770 - Sunday 23 June 2013 20:57

Ding Ding Ding. We have a winner.

By kozzard | 17

#5545096 - Friday 21 June 2013 9:48

might I suggest a sweatband in the future?

By MsFML_ | 16

#5545099 - Friday 21 June 2013 9:51

Not much of a multi-tasker, eh?

By KTBulldog | 10

#5545107 - Friday 21 June 2013 9:57

At least people were there to help and, hell, maybe you'll end up on America's Funniest Home Videos or something.

Reply

Pesticides | 19

#5545156 - Friday 21 June 2013 10:49

yeah! you get money for being a joke ! better than just the memory

By lennelleong | 33

#5545108 - Friday 21 June 2013 9:57

*Imagines a much worse scenario if OP was a girl with long nails, long hair & skimpy attire.* Count your blessings! :) But go for an eye check-up just in case your cornea was scratched...

By dreamweeper370 | 10

#5545110 - Friday 21 June 2013 9:58

Try the stationary bike next time. Way less dangerous for clumsy people.