Today, while preparing to move into my dorm, I received two e-mails... - FML

By Backtoschool - 28/8/2018 15:00

Today, while preparing to move into my dorm, I received two e-mails from the campus police. The first stated that there had been 76 overdoses from a synthetic drug reported around campus this week and the second said there had been a stabbing on campus this morning. Happy back to school to me. FML

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British Broadcasting Corporation

Yappy neighborhood

Weird kid

By Anonymous - 22/7/2009 16:43 - United States

Today, I went to the airport for my two week trip to explore Europe. My ticket was denied and the workers turned me away. When I asked why, they told me to check the date. My ticket was for June 22nd, not July. FML

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By Socarates - 18/2/2011 21:07 - Ireland

Today, I drove over 200km from Dublin to Galway, with a broken window. It rained for most of the journey. FML

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By murphyslaw948 - 27/11/2019 05:00

Murphy's law

Today, I fall for a guy after 3 years of being celibate, after he shows all the signs of being into me. Turns out, he likes my best friend who is dating another guy I liked and was just using me to compensate for her unavailability. Guess I am really a walking, talking example of Murphy's law. FML

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By Gabriela - 23/11/2011 01:00

Today, while having sex with my boyfriend, he farted. He blamed it on a "nearby frog." FML

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By AloisTrancy - 24/10/2019 22:00

Corporate logic

Today, I was called into the office and suspended due to allegations made by a coworker of poor work performance. Yesterday, I received a certificate praising my work performance. I might be dismissed at any moment. FML

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By Username - 20/7/2010 04:57 - France

Today, I had the rehearsal for two of my friends' wedding. My ex-husband is also in the wedding, and I just found out we have to walk down the aisle together 'for height reasons'. FML

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By lmaoLOSER - 2/10/2010 11:48 - United States

Today, I got a perfect score on my French quiz, and I was told to have my mom sign it. What I didn't realize was that all the way at the bottom she wrote "Good Nathaly!" and "I love you!" surrounded by little hearts. The teacher hung it up anyway. FML

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By Hesintrouble - 23/7/2013 19:03 - United Kingdom

Today, I got a call from my boyfriend's boss. She was wondering if he was okay, since he hasn't shown up to work for the past two weeks. Now I'm wondering where he's been going when he leaves the house each day. FML

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By Gumfanatic302 - 7/5/2009 01:43 - United States

Today, I got a call from my child's preschool saying that "Mindy keeps saying she sits on her daddy's lap and plays with his peter." My daughter meant 'puter, as in computer. Now the school is worried my husband is a child molester. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/7/2020 02:01

Unhappy Birthday

Today, none of my family was at home. Turns out my one of my aunts was having a birthday party and all my relatives went, but nobody told me because they don’t like me coming around. FML

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By NotTheMomma - 22/7/2016 14:06

Today, I've stopped smoking, lost 30 pounds, taken several painful tests, and checked my ovulation daily in an effort to get pregnant. My husband has only had one task during the entire process, and after hours of gaming, he says he's just too tired to have sex. FML

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By Weezylover - 26/5/2009 08:24 - United Kingdom

Today, my wife and I watched a documentary film about a kid living with severe asthma. In one scene, the kid has a severe asthma attack, and is rushed to hospital. My wife started laughing hysterically at this and after apologising, goes "it's just he sounded exactly like you in bed." FML

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By aunty_social - 25/8/2018 14:30

Today, I took my 5-year-old nephew camping. I was about to take him to the outhouse for a bathroom break when he flung the door of the camper open and shouted at the top of his lungs to the entire campground, "We are going to poop now!" FML

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By Anonymous - 2/6/2014 18:17 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my grandmother tried to start a fist-fight with my wife during my wedding ceremony. FML

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By ouch - 26/6/2010 14:23 - Canada

Today, my friend hit a glass with her arm, so I dove to try and catch it before it hit the ground and shattered. I hit my head against the table, giving me a nice gash that needed stitches. The glass was actually plastic. FML

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By Oragami - 12/6/2020 14:07

Galaxy brain take

Today, a customer told me it was bullshit we couldn't serve coffee because of the COVID restrictions, and added that the protests and riots happening are because people are bored. FML

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By notenoughunderwearintheworld - 21/7/2013 20:54 - South Africa - Durban

Today, the great deal on my new apartment has turned into a nightmare. I keep hearing extremely weird sounds almost every night, and when I tried taking pics of the place today, my camera's face recognition feature kept activating, but only in my bedroom. I'm scared shitless. FML

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By jaded_woman - 27/12/2010 06:58 - Australia

Today, I backed out of the driveway of our newly built home. Being unfamiliar with the driveway, I ended up getting bogged in the mud and slid halfway down the steep slope of the front yard, trying free myself. I haven't met my neighbours yet. They stood in their front lawns watching me. FML

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By girlfromnowhere - 23/2/2016 11:06 - United Arab Emirates

Today, my boss asked me to work over the entire weekend. That would be fine if I didn't already work a 60 hour week. He also said the extra hours on the weekend wouldn't be paid. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/1/2010 00:57 - Australia

Today, my father decided to tell me in detail when and how he lost his virginity. He even told me what position it was and who this girl was. I will never look at him in the same way again. He also made his hands "have sex". FML

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By anyoldnamewilldo - 11/12/2014 16:10 - United States - Cincinnati

Today, I wore what I thought was a hideous sweater from the thrift store for an ugly sweater contest. I've gotten more compliments on it than anything else I've ever worn. I can't even succeed at failure. FML

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By misterhippo - 22/4/2009 04:09 - United States

Today, I texted the hottest girl in the school saying, "I really like you, we should date". She responded with a text saying, "Sorry, I'm not into you." I then got a text saying, "Sorry, my brother stole my phone, and answered, but still it's no". I got rejected twice. Once by a man. FML

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By Jex - 6/10/2012 10:04 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I wanted to surprise my long distance girlfriend by flying to her unannounced. When I arrived at her house, her family tells me that she herself boarded an unannounced flight to where I lived hours ago. Surprise. FML

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By xxteenhearts - 29/5/2009 00:13 - United States

Today, I seemingly misplaced my cell phone but didn't have time to look for it before work. This evening, my cell phone company calls me to tell me I have six hundred dollars worth of calls to El Salvador that I have to pay for. My cell phone was not misplaced, it was stolen. FML

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By Courtney - 21/7/2011 09:54 - United States

Today, I found out my grandmother has severe road rage after she complained about Pennsylvania drivers for over an hour, then decided to rear end one because he wouldn't get out of her way. FML

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By Eddy - 14/3/2015 03:27 - United States - Mountain Pine

Today, I decided to have cereal for breakfast. I poured the cereal in the bowl, added the milk and had a spoonful. Then I realized that my cereal was moving in the back of my mouth. FML

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By wtf dad - 22/7/2020 23:00

Property law

Today, I asked my boyfriend, who’s a massage therapist, if he could help my mom with her chronic migraines by massaging her head and neck. My dad came home, saw them in the dimly lit room and knocked my boyfriend out cold for "touching his woman." My boyfriend dumped me and wants my dad arrested. FML

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By shalara - 15/6/2012 20:23 - Netherlands - Amstelveen

Today, I was walking down the street, when I saw a guy in front of me trip and fall forwards, and I quickly jumped forward to steady him. Apparently he thought he was being mugged, and threw his head backwards into my face, leaving my nose a bloody mess. FML

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By Puppy problems - 27/10/2013 01:23 - United States - Essex Junction

Today, I invited my boyfriend over to meet my new puppy. My dog decided to take a dump on his lap. He is now not talking to me because he thinks I trained my dog to do that. FML

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By civic4life - 17/9/2009 03:16 - United States

Today, it's my 17th birthday. I asked for a newer car because my car right now sucks. I got a book on photography. I don't own a camera. FML

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By ijustwannaplaymymusic - 27/5/2016 04:40 - United States - Jackson

Today, I was practicing the piano. My brother told me that if I loved him, I would stop. FML

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By clewie - 31/8/2019 00:01 - United States

Today, it's my birthday. My dad showed up to my birthday dinner wasted, was loud and obnoxious the whole time, sexually harassed our waitress, then invited my annoying, bratty nephews to come home and spend the night with us. They're sleeping in my room. Happy birthday to me. FML

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By RIP - 15/7/2012 05:02 - United States

Today, my mom came over to me and whispered something in my ear. I didn't hear it and assumed it was a joke, so I started laughing. Turns out my aunt died. FML

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By prostitott - 4/5/2013 07:22

Today, I caught my 14-year-old daughter stealing alcohol from me. After berating her for half-an-hour I finally said, "At least you're not doing drugs." She gave me a guilty smile and sheepishly said, "At least I'm not a prostitute?" FML

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By NotAThief - 14/8/2016 22:03 - United Kingdom

Today, I went to a store to buy some noodles, but hey were out so I left empty handed. When I left, the store the alarm went off so I was called back in, and they searched my bag. They didn't find any stolen goods. They did find a dead mouse my cat must have left for me, though. FML

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By anonymous - 5/5/2009 14:17 - United States

Today, a hot girl got into the elevator just as I took a bite out of my Three Musketeers bar. I instinctively smiled at her and chocolate drool poured out of my mouth. FML

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By :/ - 12/3/2016 11:36 - Australia - North Lakes

Today, I talked to my high school sweetheart after 12 years. He confessed that he's been single ever since we broke up, never got over me, and that to this day he loves me dearly. I'm a married mother of two. FML

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By Motionless - 26/5/2011 09:55 - United States

Today, I had sex with my girlfriend. This is the seventh time in a row that she hasn't moved or made any noises the entire way through. FML

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By Embarassed - 30/8/2009 05:25 - United States

Today, I had to explain to my father why most of the bar was giving him dirty looks at a concert. His air guitar motions made it look like he was jacking off under the table. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/8/2017 00:30 - United Kingdom - Cardiff

Today, after weeks of complaints and an engineer call-out for our photocopier, it turns out that all faults are user errors, and it's now my job to 'idiot proof' the printer. The people I work for are all educated on a Master's / PhD level and are responsible for cancer patient treatment at a major hospital. FML

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Top comments

By Charlie Given | 22

#7684144 - Tuesday 28 August 2018 15:03

Wow well stay away from party's and get some mace and be safe 😊

By Zekfen | 17

#7684150 - Tuesday 28 August 2018 15:14

Drugs are bad mmmkay? If you don’t do drugs, that shouldn’t worry you. Now the stabbing on the other hand, be aware of your surroundings and if somebody looks at you funny blow your rape whistle.

COMMENTS

By Charlie Given | 22

#7684144 - Tuesday 28 August 2018 15:03

Wow well stay away from party's and get some mace and be safe 😊

By Zekfen | 17

#7684150 - Tuesday 28 August 2018 15:14

Drugs are bad mmmkay? If you don’t do drugs, that shouldn’t worry you. Now the stabbing on the other hand, be aware of your surroundings and if somebody looks at you funny blow your rape whistle.

By mikewang1526 | 3

#7684156 - Tuesday 28 August 2018 15:24

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

adelaine782002 | 17

#7684452 - Wednesday 29 August 2018 5:06

wtf?🤔🤔🤣

By devi_916 | 39

#7684163 - Tuesday 28 August 2018 15:40

Where the hell do you go to school?

By chickensheep | 15

#7684172 - Tuesday 28 August 2018 15:55

Let me guess... ‘Murica?

By CerealBro1 | 13

#7684198 - Tuesday 28 August 2018 17:03

My first week back at college this semester there was an arsonist at my school, just lighting fires in several different bathrooms around campus. These are all things well look back on and laugh at I think

By melisssa87 | 30

#7684202 - Tuesday 28 August 2018 17:09

Come on it’s just kids having fun, now is the last time you can do all of this

Reply

Cali | 54

#7684214 - Tuesday 28 August 2018 18:01

Is this sarcasm or do you really think 76 overdoses and a stabbing is just kids having fun?

Reply

real life problems | 26

#7684268 - Tuesday 28 August 2018 20:20

I think the 76 over doses is pretty funny, Cali. Am I a monster

Reply

Cali | 54

#7684336 - Tuesday 28 August 2018 22:39

Maybe, maybe not. I just thought it would be crazy if melisssa87 really thought those were typical college kid activities!

By superlloyd | 15

#7684203 - Tuesday 28 August 2018 17:10

you picked the school. the crime statistics are oublic information. lesson learn, pay more attention, be more responsible.

By MrCT | 22

#7684230 - Tuesday 28 August 2018 18:32

Are you going to school in New Haven, Ct?

Reply

gk222 | 10

#7684283 - Tuesday 28 August 2018 20:55

I was going to ask this?

By BurnInDemonFire | 30

#7684322 - Tuesday 28 August 2018 22:08

I remember my school days... saluting a flag... being told God is real, and being gay will send you to Hell... oh, and shit like this. The more things change, the more they stay the same.