Today, while on an escalator, instead of just telling me my underwear...

By violatedbuttcrack - 16/5/2013 10:24 - Australia - Sydney

Today, while on an escalator, instead of just telling me my underwear label was hanging out of my jeans, a woman behind me decided to tuck the label in herself. You should never have to feel a stranger's finger on your butt crack. FML

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Miscellaneous

Crowded House

Fear factor

DINOSAURS!!

By Yeahyeahyeah - 2/6/2016 02:11 - United States - Salt Lake City

Today, while at a family gathering, my teenage sister-in-law felt the need to loudly point out, several times, that her selfie got more 'likes' than my pregnancy announcement. FML

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By gonnafail - 16/11/2013 20:18 - United States - York

Today, my debate partner repeatedly said "You mad, bro?" to the opposing team in our college debate class. That debate was worth a considerable portion of our grade. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/9/2009 02:11 - Canada

Today, I received a surprise "absolute final notice" email for payment of an overdue fee from the university I withdrew from 6 months ago. Turns out, my old landlord has been hoarding their letters to me. As a result, my credit is now in the shitter and I had to pay an extra $120 in interest. FML

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By mother to an ugly doll - 4/9/2013 18:10 - Canada - Edmonton

Today, my car window got smashed, because someone somehow confused the doll my daughter always leaves strapped into a carseat for an actual kid. It's a cabbage patch kid. FML

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By DamnDogs - 5/3/2012 10:28 - Canada

Today, I was woken up by my neighbour's dog losing its mind, and I remembered reading a story about someone ignoring a dog and later finding out that their car had been stolen. Paranoid, I went outside to check on mine. Nope. Just the damn dog barking at one thirty in the morning. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/9/2018 13:30

Today, my husband hooked up with his classmate in the school I talked him into going to. I helped him pass classes to get there. FML

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By what people do for money - 18/7/2014 16:45 - United States - Houston

Today, I was helping out at my church. At lunchtime, a really cute guy my age walked over and told me I was pretty. I was flattered, until I turned around and saw his annoyed buddies handing him several dollar bills. FML

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By cigarettes - 11/12/2014 18:33 - United States

Today, I was having sex when a cigarette craving came on. I don't know what's worse, the fact I asked for a cigarette break in the middle of sex or I last that long. FML

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By awesome - 11/4/2009 17:36 - United States

Today, I was sitting at my computer, listening and singing along to some music. I started singing louder, thinking that I was pretty good. Just then, my mom comes barging through the door in a frenzy saying, "Are you all right? Are you hurt?" FML

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By Penny - 18/1/2020 20:00

Animated movies

Today, at work, I was discussing animated movies with a male senior who's got kids. I was trying to refer to Zootopia but couldn't remember the name. I went, "Zoo, zoo... filia?" Silence. It wasn't until I got home an hour later that I realized what I said. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/11/2010 21:32 - United States

Today, I went on a drive with my girlfriend when we went past a 'Dead End' sign. She pointed to it and said it was "Foreshadowing our relationship". FML

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By Anonymous - 22/9/2013 05:40 - United States - Brandon

Wrong sort of poking

Today, my boyfriend got out of the shower and tried to hit my forehead with his penis. He slipped and slapped me in the eye with it. FML

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By Phycheledic - 12/5/2016 10:22 - United States

Today, I was volunteering at the daycare in my area. When this one kid was leaving, he asked his mom, "Why is she so ugly?" FML

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By Anonymous - 24/7/2014 09:05 - United States - Cape Coral

Today, I got fired from my job. Why? Apparently taking 10 minutes to take a shit is too long for some people. FML

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By MDoremis - 28/8/2016 19:24 - United States - Honolulu

Today, while flying home, two little girls started chanting, "We're all going to die." I'm an extremely anxious flyer. FML

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By haley - 16/11/2018 14:00

Today, while in a parking lot, I accidentally cut someone off out of pure nervousness as I'm a new driver. I got out of my car to apologize, and they responded by beating me and my car to a pulp with a baseball bat. FML

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By wildwonder808 - 12/8/2013 22:47 - United States - Dearborn

Today, I caught my new neighbor sticking his knob inside my car and pissing on my seats. His reason? I parked in his spot. FML

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By Unsatisfied - 16/12/2009 06:15 - Canada

Today, I found the only man who hates sex. He's my boyfriend. FML

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By Just Me - 26/7/2012 05:04 - United States - Brooklyn

Today, I came out to my mom as a lesbian. She told me that it was impossible, because since she isn't one, she therefore couldn't have given birth to one. She still won't believe me. FML

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By Username - 11/7/2011 22:23 - United States

Today, my 16 year-old daughter tried to convince me that tampons don't actually work, all because she can still pee with one in. FML

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By slickboy0023 - 16/3/2010 15:30 - United States

Today, I learned that in Japan there are monkeys that wait tables and work at a tavern. Literally, I have a job a monkey can do. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/3/2020 18:07

Alexa, play "Mr Loverman" by Shabba Ranks

Today, I was at a store when I saw a cute girl from my school. Trying to act cool, I went to hold the door for her. Too bad it was an automatic door. FML

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By Travolta - 20/5/2019 02:13

Dancing With The Stares

Today, I was at a party and I danced. Judging by people's stares, I should never ever attempt it again. FML

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By thatguy - 28/10/2009 17:07 - United States

Today, I learned that girls don't like it when you pass out from carrying them to the bed. What they DO like, is telling all their friends. FML

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By RadYoHeaD - 4/12/2008 07:23 - United Kingdom

Today, I went running to the gym on the way to work and I forgot to bring a spare shirt. All I have to wear is a wet white tshirt. FML

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By deadman - 16/8/2013 01:06 - Canada - Edmonton

Today, my mom came into my room to give me a goodbye kiss. Due to the routine of my girlfriend doing the exact same thing in the exact same spot, I held the kiss way longer than what a mother/son kiss should last. My mom actually had to tell me to "let go". FML

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By anonymous - 12/11/2014 05:21 - United States - Elk River

Today, my boyfriend bought us plane tickets to Mexico for our "Honeymoon". This would be nice if he had proposed and if we'd been dating for longer than 2 weeks. FML

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By BadNurse - 11/2/2017 20:00 - United States - Evansville

Today, I learned that the manager I switched jobs to escape 7 months ago will be my new boss. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/12/2011 07:47

Today, I found out the hard way what it sounds like when you take the first letter of my first name, A, and put it with my last name, Hole. FML

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By skipperpop - 11/8/2016 22:24 - United States - Ames

Today, after work, I was saying goodbye to my last remaining friend I worked with because she was going to be leaving for college. My manager saw me talking and made me clock back in and work because "If you have time to talk, you have time to work." FML.

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By anonymous - 14/12/2011 05:42 - United States

Today, my boyfriend sent me a text that said, "I can't be seen with you anymore. You're too fat." FML

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By CheeseMonsters - 24/1/2010 12:28 - United Kingdom

Today, I went to get my friend a drink while she sat in the lounge watching TV with my dog. When I came back, I found her licking my dogs ears. She said he dared her to do it. FML

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By notcool - 15/9/2009 19:45 - United States

Today, I learned that my anxious and obsessive mother is going to drive three hours every weekend to attend a Johns Hopkins medical course on stress reduction. Why is this bad? I just left home for college and have enjoyed my last two weeks of freedom without her around. I attend Johns Hopkins. FML

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By YankeeDoodle - 4/3/2010 05:30 - Australia

Today, I discovered my employer is advertising for a contractor position within my team performing basically the same role as myself. Except the pay is seven times more. FML

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By Myriam - 22/3/2009 04:51 - United States

Today, my friend asked me if she could borrow my laptop and I can pick it up later and I said ok. I stop by her house later and no one answers. The next-door neighbor says that she left to go live with her mom. She lives in Detroit. I live in Maine. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/3/2020 08:09

Caring

Today, I was rummaging about in the pantry. When I turned to walk away, the heavy pantry door fell off, struck me in the back of the head, and the wood surrounding the doorknob cracked. When my mom came home, she accused me of "property damage." FML

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By yankeeboy123 - 12/1/2015 05:03 - United States - Pompano Beach

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me. Her reason? Not enough guys have been liking her photos on Instagram since we started dating. FML

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By DieuEstUnHomme - 3/2/2016 15:44 - France - Reims

Today, while on the tram with my friend, we ended up discussing religion. When we started talking about God, some guy asked us, in a serious tone, to "stop talking about me" because it was really starting to bother him. FML

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By ScaredDude - 19/5/2019 04:07

Today, I was home alone in the dark and I heard the doorbell ring. I didn't know who it was so I didn't answer. They kept ringing, so I got a bit scared and called the police. When the police showed up, they told me it was a Chinese delivery guy with the wrong address. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/1/2014 21:02 - United Kingdom - Broxburn

Today, my mum decided that having the flu and being too lazy to go upstairs to the bathroom is a valid excuse to shit in a jug instead. 5ML

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Top comments

By camsterjoe | 12

#5494412 - Thursday 16 May 2013 16:31

Some people would be delighted to have that sort of action.

By Dracoboxer357 | 35

#5494414 - Thursday 16 May 2013 16:32

Butt I'll bet you'll never forget to check for it from now on, will you? ;)

Comments

By camsterjoe | 12

#5494412 - Thursday 16 May 2013 16:31

Some people would be delighted to have that sort of action.

By tonijulie | 20

#5494413 - Thursday 16 May 2013 16:31

I even hate it when people do it to my tops! That sucks! But a funny story. :)

thepunman | 11

#5494430 - Thursday 16 May 2013 16:40

Forever alone level: Noor

xxGheTToGumbYxx | 16

#5494440 - Thursday 16 May 2013 16:45

I'd rather have someone tuck in my tag on my shirt than walk around with my tag out like a doofus. Haha.

By Dracoboxer357 | 35

#5494414 - Thursday 16 May 2013 16:32

Butt I'll bet you'll never forget to check for it from now on, will you? ;)

thepunman | 11

#5494446 - Thursday 16 May 2013 16:51

He didn't ass you.

rg350dx | 29

#5494468 - Thursday 16 May 2013 17:09

You guys are crackin' me up

Soloman212 | 28

#5494489 - Thursday 16 May 2013 17:36

I agree, OP should have thanked her for her assistance and turned the other cheek to the rear intrusion.

MrBrightside21 | 20

#5494877 - Thursday 16 May 2013 23:20

It's a rear occasion to see this many consistent puns.

UnidentifiedFun | 37

#5495164 - Friday 17 May 2013 2:23

Yeah, we're very anal about keeping the thread going.

By Bano360 | 25

#5494415 - Thursday 16 May 2013 16:32

Oh God, I'd be mortified.

By Original_Outcast | 23

#5494418 - Thursday 16 May 2013 16:34

Her OCD has nothing on Death the Kid

i_luv_dogs | 10

#5495388 - Friday 17 May 2013 5:34

SOUL EATER!

By blcksocks | 19

#5494419 - Thursday 16 May 2013 16:34

I still think it is better than having a stranger's finger in your butthole.

JFloUnknown | 24

#5494649 - Thursday 16 May 2013 19:55

Or hump you when you bend over for change.

Ins0mau | 20

#5494702 - Thursday 16 May 2013 20:34

Have you tried it, 7?

uhmaizing | 3

#5494948 - Friday 17 May 2013 0:13

I think technically that would be like a one night stand

AnimeBitch | 14

#5495481 - Friday 17 May 2013 7:32

DA FUQ?

Norja | 33

#5495755 - Friday 17 May 2013 14:37

You're probably right but I can't say at the time I was thinking "glad it didn't go all the way in!"

By skyeyez9 | 24

#5494420 - Thursday 16 May 2013 16:34

I bet you felt like you were in airport security with the TSA.

MrConcise | 34

#5494475 - Thursday 16 May 2013 17:17

I can see the next big headline. "Mall escalators: The best place to hijack a plane."

gc327072 | 29

#5494887 - Thursday 16 May 2013 23:49

37/ I've seen some nonsensical comments, but that takes the cake.

By jackaced | 7

#5494421 - Thursday 16 May 2013 16:36

I'm sure your full body shiver told her she did something unacceptable!

slowlybreakingme | 14

#5495297 - Friday 17 May 2013 4:24

Either that or she thought OP strongly enjoyed it!

By thepunman | 11

#5494422 - Thursday 16 May 2013 16:36

Mind you some people would pay for that.

Dracoboxer357 | 35

#5494436 - Thursday 16 May 2013 16:43

12- Allow me to represent the "unsilent majority" in saying I am not one of them that would. :p

thepunman | 11

#5494450 - Thursday 16 May 2013 16:53

I'll admit, my comment was pretty stupid.

Dracoboxer357 | 35

#5494459 - Thursday 16 May 2013 16:59

24- Aww, no worries, perhaps I was just a fingertouch too anal with you in my response. ;)
Cheers!

By jackaced | 7

#5494432 - Thursday 16 May 2013 16:41

And buttcrack money