Miscellaneous: Today, while on an escalator, instead of just telling me my underwear...

By violatedbuttcrack - Australia - Sydney

Today, while on an escalator, instead of just telling me my underwear label was hanging out of my jeans, a woman behind me decided to tuck the label in herself. You should never have to feel a stranger's finger on your butt crack. FML

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Miscellaneous

Out of it

Walk on the wild side

Gentle

By daddysjudy92

Today, after being hospitalized last week due to a severe mental breakdown, my mom is still mad at me for missing her big solo at church. She had even tried to demand I be released from the hospital for it. She's still going on about how she thinks I missed it on purpose. FML

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By ohai95 - United Kingdom - Worthing

Today, I came out to my parents. I don't really fit any stereotype, I'm just an average guy who happens to be into guys. Ten minutes later, I overheard my mother say to my step-dad, "Should we redecorate his room pink?" FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Spring Branch

Today, I broke up with my abusive girlfriend. She responded by breaking into my place and stabbing my hamster with a fork. FML

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By lukey101 - 14/2/2021 18:30 - Australia

Casual something

Today, I went to the Asian Grocery. I politely smiled, bellowed, “Hello!” and kind of waved to the cashier as I walked in, to which he gave me a blank, scared-for-his-life kinda look. Turns out he was actually just another customer. FML

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By Michael

Taking the Micheal

Today, my girlfriend of 5 years confessed to cheating on me during my recent business trip. Moreover, she doesn't want to cut off contact with the other guy, because she's afraid of hurting HIS feelings. FML

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By ineed sleep!!!

Let me sleep!

Today, my boyfriend and I got into a huge argument when I suggested we start sleeping in separate rooms. He thinks I don’t love him anymore, but that’s not the case. I’m madly in love with him, but he snores like a freight train and thrashes like a fucking Ninja Turtle all night. FML

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By billjoebob424 - Canada - Erin

Today, I walked in on my younger cousin trying to find Minecraft porn. FML

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By dxl - United States

Today, I told my parents how grateful I am for having them in my life and that not many kids are as lucky as me. My mom texted me after I went out 10 minutes later: "Are you ok? You seemed depressed earlier." FML

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By scarredforlife - Canada - Edmonton

Today, after taking my little niece out onto the balcony of her family's new apartment to enjoy the view, we watched as a man jay-walked across the street down below and was run over by a car. My niece is pretty much traumatized for life now. FML

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By alice5000 - France

Today, during a never-ending dinner with really boring friends, I faked being tired and told my husband, "Let’s go honey, we have a long way to drive home." He looks at me and says, "Well… we are at home." FML

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By jojobobo

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me. I started to tear up and told her I had something stuck in my eye. I was secretly thrilled as I had been trying to end it for weeks. Seeing me cry, she immediately took it back. I really just had something stuck in my eye. FML

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By Tiny - United States - Las Vegas

Toxic

Today, I had to sit through yet another one of my mom's, "You need to grow and gain some weight!" rants. I'm 22 and she doesn't believe me when I tell her I'm done growing. I'm pretty sure I'm not getting past 5'2". FML

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By budbunny13 - United States

Today, I saw a pink, slimy thing coming out of my dog's knob. I got really freaked out so I took him to the vet, only to find out that it was his penis. FML

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By Pox - United States

Today, I got chickenpox. I'm 28 and having chickenpox as an adult is excruciatingly painful. When I told my boss I wasn't going to be at work today because of chickenpox he replied, "That's the worst excuse I've ever heard. Adults don't get chickenpox." He then fired me. FML

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By Monika - United States

Today, my identical twin sister got in trouble for sneaking out of the house to see her boyfriend. My father decided to ground both of us, because it would be "too confusing" for him otherwise. FML

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By firstdategonebad - Canada - Toronto

Today, I went on a coffee date with the man I've been in love with for a while. Before I knew what was going on, he'd started chatting up a pretty girl sitting nearby. I had to drink my coffee alone while he got her number. FML

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By LY2

Keep it in the family

Today, I found out why my boyfriend won't come over anymore. He and my brother apparently had a "thing" before we started dating. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Kingston

Today, I was out when a guy walking with his girlfriend eyed me up. I made a shocked face at him and kept walking. The next thing I knew, his girlfriend was beating the shit out of me claiming that I was "the other woman." I'd never seen the guy before in my life. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Victorville

Today, my girlfriend felt bad about a rude comment she made to me, and asked me to insult her in return. I told her she was getting fat. Wrong move; now she's not speaking to me. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I walked in on my parents discussing how to kill our cat, and how to make it look like an accident. FML

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By anon - Canada

Today, I walked in on my cat trying to mate with my favorite sweater. FML

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By Anonymous - France - Saint-brieuc

Today, apparently when you tell a hairdresser, "A little off the sides," they hear, "A bowl cut, please, and make it look extra stupid." FML

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By laurlaur - United States

Today, my dad nearly had a head-on collision with another car, but I grabbed the wheel at the last second, potentially saving both our lives. He spent the rest of the car trip pissed at me because I'd "interfered" with his driving. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, at work, my husband came in and brought me flowers and a card for our anniversary. I opened the card to find a condom. I ran over and closed the door and we immediately got at it in the middle of my office. Halfway through, I realized I have been laying on the intercom button. FML

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By AwkwardMoments

Today, while napping on the couch, I had a very vivid dream about a girl I like. I woke up to my mother and father choking back laughter and recording me on their phones. I don't know what's worse: waking up with a boner in front of my parents or finding out I was also talking dirty in my sleep. FML

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By xYumix - United States

Today, I was late for an interview. Going into the elevator, a man ran up to the doors but since I was late, I pressed the "close" button. When I arrived to the office, the secretary asked me to wait. The boss walked in to interview me. The man whose face I closed the elevator doors on. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, while making my daily offering of turd to the porcelain throne, I took out my phone and started playing a game. I suddenly felt a tickling sensation on my leg, and I freaked out as I saw hundreds of ants had emerged from behind the toilet. FML

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By Anon - United Kingdom

Today, I was at a mall. A woman stopped by me, said slowly and loudly, in Spanish "baño?" Knowing a bit of Spanish, I nodded and pointed the restrooms out for her. She then mutters about "dang Mexicans and their inability to speak English". I'm not even Latina. I'm Irish-American. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, at college, the weird guy who stares at me every day came over, said, "I've made you a mixtape," then handed me an old, empty Queen's Greatest Hits CD case and scuttled off. FML

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Today, has been a very long day, so I shall simply say there is a car in my bedroom. Yes a car. It's entirely my husband's fault, we have no idea how we're supposed to remove it, and there's oil all down my favourite pyjamas. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - London

Today, in a crowded hallway, I saw the guy I fancy standing in front of me, with his arms open wide. Thinking he wanted to hug me, I wrapped my arms around him and stepped back. He looked at me like I was nuts. I then realised he was trying to hug the girl next to me. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Brighton

Today, I walked in on my brother masturbating. In the living room. For the second time. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I tried to rid my son of his pacifier. He still uses it to sleep. My son is 20 years old. FML

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By madisonbubch - United States - Vine Grove

Today, I got home from a long day at work, hoping to just fix dinner and relax, only to find that my cat had come into the house with a rabbit, and is now stuck underneath the cabinet. FML

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By hmmmm - Australia

Today, the condom slipped off, because my boyfriend refuses to admit that he needs to use smaller condoms. FML

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By nope - 29/3/2020 14:00

Influencers know no bounds

Today, my wife and I got into a massive argument after she started a YouTube channel for our young daughter. I explained that I’m not comfortable with god knows who looking at our kid. Apparently, I’m just being paranoid. She’s already recorded our entire house, including my daughter's bedroom. FML

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By Anonymous - Isle of Man

Today, I was lying on the sofa when the phone rang. I jumped up to answer in time. I knocked over my laptop, and kicked my guitar into a glass causing it to smash. It was a wrong number. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, while I was fitting a new fuse box, a giant spider tried to eat my fingers. As I pulled away, I touched the exposed wires. I woke up flat on my back to the customer slapping my face, burnt fingers, and bruises everywhere. I had also peed and shit myself. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/11/2020 17:02

Wise kid

Today, I had to give my four year-old daughter some tough love, which I hate doing. When she ran away crying, my son, her twin brother, looked at me and said, "You should be ashamed of yourself." FML

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By HotCurry - United States

Today, my girlfriend, her grandma, and I were leaving her house to eat lunch. I stubbed my toe on the door while exiting. It hurt, so I stood there shortly in pain. I heard my girlfriend's grandma call me a "pansy". I later saw blood and took off my shoe. My whole toenail had come off of my big toe. FML

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Top comments

By camsterjoe | 12

#5494412 - Thursday 16 May 2013 16:31

Some people would be delighted to have that sort of action.

By Dracoboxer357 | 35

#5494414 - Thursday 16 May 2013 16:32

Butt I'll bet you'll never forget to check for it from now on, will you? ;)

COMMENTS

By camsterjoe | 12

#5494412 - Thursday 16 May 2013 16:31

Some people would be delighted to have that sort of action.

By tonijulie | 20

#5494413 - Thursday 16 May 2013 16:31

I even hate it when people do it to my tops! That sucks! But a funny story. :)

thepunman | 11

#5494430 - Thursday 16 May 2013 16:40

Forever alone level: Noor

xxGheTToGumbYxx | 16

#5494440 - Thursday 16 May 2013 16:45

I'd rather have someone tuck in my tag on my shirt than walk around with my tag out like a doofus. Haha.

By Dracoboxer357 | 35

#5494414 - Thursday 16 May 2013 16:32

Butt I'll bet you'll never forget to check for it from now on, will you? ;)

thepunman | 11

#5494446 - Thursday 16 May 2013 16:51

He didn't ass you.

rg350dx | 29

#5494468 - Thursday 16 May 2013 17:09

You guys are crackin' me up

Soloman212 | 28

#5494489 - Thursday 16 May 2013 17:36

I agree, OP should have thanked her for her assistance and turned the other cheek to the rear intrusion.

MrBrightside21 | 20

#5494877 - Thursday 16 May 2013 23:20

It's a rear occasion to see this many consistent puns.

UnidentifiedFun | 37

#5495164 - Friday 17 May 2013 2:23

Yeah, we're very anal about keeping the thread going.

By Bano360 | 25

#5494415 - Thursday 16 May 2013 16:32

Oh God, I'd be mortified.

By Original_Outcast | 23

#5494418 - Thursday 16 May 2013 16:34

Her OCD has nothing on Death the Kid

i_luv_dogs | 10

#5495388 - Friday 17 May 2013 5:34

SOUL EATER!

By blcksocks | 19

#5494419 - Thursday 16 May 2013 16:34

I still think it is better than having a stranger's finger in your butthole.

JFloUnknown | 24

#5494649 - Thursday 16 May 2013 19:55

Or hump you when you bend over for change.

Ins0mau | 20

#5494702 - Thursday 16 May 2013 20:34

Have you tried it, 7?

uhmaizing | 3

#5494948 - Friday 17 May 2013 0:13

I think technically that would be like a one night stand

AnimeBitch | 14

#5495481 - Friday 17 May 2013 7:32

DA FUQ?

Norja | 33

#5495755 - Friday 17 May 2013 14:37

You're probably right but I can't say at the time I was thinking "glad it didn't go all the way in!"

By skyeyez9 | 24

#5494420 - Thursday 16 May 2013 16:34

I bet you felt like you were in airport security with the TSA.

MrConcise | 34

#5494475 - Thursday 16 May 2013 17:17

I can see the next big headline. "Mall escalators: The best place to hijack a plane."

gc327072 | 29

#5494887 - Thursday 16 May 2013 23:49

37/ I've seen some nonsensical comments, but that takes the cake.

By jackaced | 7

#5494421 - Thursday 16 May 2013 16:36

I'm sure your full body shiver told her she did something unacceptable!

slowlybreakingme | 14

#5495297 - Friday 17 May 2013 4:24

Either that or she thought OP strongly enjoyed it!

By thepunman | 11

#5494422 - Thursday 16 May 2013 16:36

Mind you some people would pay for that.

Dracoboxer357 | 35

#5494436 - Thursday 16 May 2013 16:43

12- Allow me to represent the "unsilent majority" in saying I am not one of them that would. :p

thepunman | 11

#5494450 - Thursday 16 May 2013 16:53

I'll admit, my comment was pretty stupid.

Dracoboxer357 | 35

#5494459 - Thursday 16 May 2013 16:59

24- Aww, no worries, perhaps I was just a fingertouch too anal with you in my response. ;)
Cheers!

By jackaced | 7

#5494432 - Thursday 16 May 2013 16:41

And buttcrack money