Today, while on an escalator, instead of just telling me my underwear...

By violatedbuttcrack - 16/5/2013 10:24 - Australia - Sydney

Today, while on an escalator, instead of just telling me my underwear label was hanging out of my jeans, a woman behind me decided to tuck the label in herself. You should never have to feel a stranger's finger on your butt crack. FML

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Miscellaneous

Alexa, play "The Lovecats" by The Cure

Tense

Inspirational tale

By Miriden - 19/7/2011 14:41 - United States

Today, I got a call from a creditor asking for a Sarah. I told them that I'm not Sarah, nor do I know one. They then asked if she was my wife. Annoyed, I said, "Alright, when did I get a wife? I don't even remember having a girlfriend." They sniggered and hung up. FML

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By Pissedoffwife - 7/7/2019 14:00

Today, our dishwasher broke. It's my husband's chore to do the dishes, but he refused to hand-wash them, and instead suggested we take them all up to his mother's for her to put in her dishwasher. FML

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By InnocenceBlue - 1/8/2019 12:00

Today, as always, my mother hates my life choices. Particularly my hair for some reason. As she's always whinging about it being dyed blonde, I dyed it back to my natural colour again to appease her, and stop the constant bullying. She hates it. FML

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By GEE, THANKS DAD - 28/9/2012 22:21 - United States

Today, my dad forced me to take part in a pathetic act of revenge against our neighbors, who keep parking their 4x4 in front of our house. He made me stand watch while he kept trying to slash their tires. An hour later, we were waiting for my mom to bail us out of jail. FML

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By tubby - 21/6/2012 20:28 - Sweden - Karlskrona

Today, my friend showed off her new tattoo, which is supposed to say "bad bitch" in Italian, and I had to point out that it actually says "defective female". Her response was to cuss me out and inform me that I'm no longer part of her social circle. FML

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By r u kidding me? - 9/6/2020 20:00

Whatthefuckaburger

Today, after my girlfriend continuously whined for hours about a specific burger place, I finally gave in and we drove nearly two hours to get there. Once in line, she looked at the menu, then decided everything had too many calories and wanted to go home. She doesn’t get why I’m pissed. FML

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By n_london - 12/10/2009 20:19 - United States

Today, I was carrying several bags of groceries up the stairs to my 3rd story apartment when I saw a giant rat climbing down the wall towards me. I screamed and dropped my groceries, which went over the rail and landed on the bottom floor, destroying them all. The rat? Just a big leaf. FML

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By jking2z - 13/3/2015 22:39 - United States

Today, I tried to boycott an 80's theme party by wearing my regular clothes. Everyone said they loved my costume. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/5/2010 18:03 - Canada

Today, I went into a music store to look into getting a new guitar. I picked up one that I was interested in and tried it out quietly. A sales representative approached me and asked me to "stop the noise and leave the guitars for serious customers." I've been playing for almost ten years. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/5/2011 05:58 - Canada

Today, at 2 in the morning, my water broke. I called my mom and woke her up to come watch our older kid, while my husband and I went to the hospital. After being tested at the hospital, I was told I had just peed myself. FML

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By MrsRockyHorror - 15/3/2010 08:11 - United States

Today, I seriously considered labelling myself as 'in a relationship' on Facebook, even though I haven't been in one since '92, so I can hide just how desperate I am. FML

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By anon - 31/7/2014 03:12 - Canada - Goderich

Today, my father tripped over the dog and hit a wall. He was so convinced his arm was broken that we waited for 3 hours in emergency to find out he had a bruise. FML

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By lostintdot - 31/7/2014 11:38 - Canada - Kitchener

Today, while wandering around the big city I just relocated to, I asked a seemingly pleasant-looking lady where the nearest library was. She told me to get lost, and started laughing. Then said she was just joking and gave me directions. I'm now standing in front of a gay strip joint. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/12/2011 16:53 - United Kingdom

Today, after returning to the UK from my Australian holiday, I was fired from my job for no reason. My boss told me he'd waited till I'd returned to do it. I could have stayed in Australia with my mates traveling for a year if I had been fired before I left. I'm sure he did it on purpose. FML

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By otter - 17/8/2011 02:05 - United States

Today, my potbellied pig ate my neighbor's award-winning flower garden, that she has been growing for almost three years. She'd told me that she was bringing the judges of the competition, in which she was in line to win $300, to her house in two days. I have yet to tell her. FML

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By ... - 10/2/2010 09:08 - United States

Today, my pissed off girlfriend used window marker to write racist comments on my car window. This would include: nazi symbols, white power, and a few others I won't mention. I live in a predominately black neighborhood. FML

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By BrokeAF - 12/8/2018 08:30 - United States - Great Barrington

Today, my ex showed up to pick up our kids in her brand new car. Last month child support doubled my amount because of a paperwork error. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/12/2011 17:53 - Canada

Today, I am pregnant, and my boyfriend dumped me, saying that he didn't want to be stuck in anything too serious. FML

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By blinkanimgone - 1/9/2010 11:08 - Australia

Today, I went to the blood bank to donate plasma. All went well until the machine went to return my red blood cells. It turns out the nurse sliced my vein and the blood built up in my tissues. I now have a massive swollen arm and bruising, and look like a junkie. FML

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By poop - 3/4/2013 18:45

Today, my sister gave my laptop away and dumped a pile of her hamster's turds on my bed. All of this because I flushed the toilet while she was in the shower last night. FML

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By LP - 16/2/2015 03:25 - United States - Madison

Today, I was at work copying some papers. The copier is below a shelf with lots of paper and signage, which suddenly flew off the hinge and hit me in the head as well as the copier. My boss ran in, asking, "Is the copier okay?" FML

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By uneek14 - 23/6/2009 14:19 - Canada

Today, while reading some chemistry notes I came across the term "solid water". Completely stumped, I asked myself, "What the hell is solid water?" Then I heard my little cousin say "ice." I'm a 4th year science major in university. He still checks the closet for monsters. FML

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By poopiter - 27/7/2013 18:31 - United States - Grand Junction

Today, I finished off the last of the BBQ chips in the house. When my 6-year-old sister found out about it, she started screaming, then pulled down her pants and peed on the kitchen floor. My parents, after witnessing the whole thing, bitched me out for upsetting her. FML

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By I'm an asshole - 3/11/2016 21:46 - United States - Saint Cloud

Today, I complimented a guy on his Van Gogh costume. As it turns out, he had an infection in his ear. FML

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By Nomoretexting - 1/11/2009 04:35 - United States

Today, I received a 4 page text message from my mom explaining what she was going to do to me tonight in full detail. I am one name below her boyfriend on her contact list. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/1/2016 07:04 - United States - Burbank

Today, I was driving a little over the speed limit, when I saw a cop car waiting to join the road ahead of me. I quickly hit the brakes so they wouldn't have a payday with me. I hit the brakes too hard, lost control and almost ended up on someone's lawn. FML

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By LGFLIPSTER - 31/8/2009 03:32 - Canada

Today, I was strolling past an old women when from behind she called "can you help me get the rest of the groceries out of the car?" I approached the car, and helped her un-load bags. She began hitting me, screaming "SOMEONE IS STEALING MY THINGS". She was actually asking her son in the car. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/12/2012 05:01 - United States

Today, I walked into school confident about the new hair color I'd had done over the weekend. My drama teacher apparently dyed her hair the same color; everyone noticed and thought I'd copied her. FML

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By shampoogirl - 26/8/2011 18:26 - United States

Today, I finally landed a new job, and thinking he would be proud, I told my boyfriend. Instead of congratulating me, he got mad that my work hours include Saturday, his laundry day. FML

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By someonesomething - 5/12/2009 11:24 - United States

Today, one of the comic companies I submitted to, replied back. They said that the story was boring, and the main character bland, generic, uncultured, had no potential for personal growth, a suburbanite, and an ignorant shut-in. I based the personality of the main character on my own. FML

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By bummerdood - 26/8/2012 04:15 - United States - Wichita

Today, my girlfriend and I went to the drive-in theater, planning to have some fun during the movie. We were pretty excited that no cars were parked near us. As soon as the movie started, a bus full of little kids pulled up next to us. FML

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By Boredstoner420 - 14/3/2020 21:00

You give me fever

Today, I got way too bored and stoned, so I created a Tinder profile named "Covid" with a picture of the Coronavirus and a funny description. I'd never had so many matches. FML

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By lost_ina_dream - 21/2/2010 01:21 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I celebrated our anniversary at the park. I was watching him play around with the wood chips on the ground and thought I saw him making a heart being romantic, so I got on top of the playground to look. Turns out it was the balls of a giant penis, complete with pubes. FML

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By sick - 21/9/2009 19:50 - United States

Today, I decided I would call in sick to work after working 60 hours the week before just so I could have a day off... My body responded this morning with vomiting and diarrhea so I had to call in sick and didn't get to have much fun... Karma 1 Me 0. FML

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By tp2014 - 19/12/2013 13:12 - United States - Jesup

Today, I was looking for a job. I was so desperate for gas money to drive around town that I had to steal $20 from my sister. She's only 10 years old. FML

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By emmingle - 13/5/2013 23:05 - Canada - Burnaby

Today, I discovered that the "dish soap" my sister uses to clean our dishes when it's her turn, is actually a semi-toxic floor cleaner. FML

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By :/ - 3/12/2012 01:57 - United States - Moreno Valley

Today, I finally summoned the courage to ask my dad to pay me as he promised, after I cut the lawn and cleaned all the house windows last week. His response was, "Get fucked." FML

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By embarassed - 25/5/2009 04:43 - United States

Today, my mother came up to me at swim meet and shouted to me in the bleachers "If you have to go potty, go now because there is a long line!". I'm seventeen. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/11/2014 17:10 - United States - San Diego

Today, I have to deal with being laughed at by my mother and sister, because they keep making sharp movements towards me, causing me to flinch. This is because I got mugged and beaten last night. They think it's hysterical. FML

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By bern5555 - 13/1/2010 05:29 - United States

Today, I was working with the kid I babysit for. We were out and he complained that he was hungry. I spent my very last $2 on chicken nuggets for him and a coffee for myself. Just as I sat down, he knocked over my coffee, spilling it into his chicken nuggets. Then he cried for over an hour. FML

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Top comments

By camsterjoe | 12

#5494412 - Thursday 16 May 2013 16:31

Some people would be delighted to have that sort of action.

By Dracoboxer357 | 35

#5494414 - Thursday 16 May 2013 16:32

Butt I'll bet you'll never forget to check for it from now on, will you? ;)

COMMENTS

By camsterjoe | 12

#5494412 - Thursday 16 May 2013 16:31

Some people would be delighted to have that sort of action.

By tonijulie | 20

#5494413 - Thursday 16 May 2013 16:31

I even hate it when people do it to my tops! That sucks! But a funny story. :)

thepunman | 11

#5494430 - Thursday 16 May 2013 16:40

Forever alone level: Noor

xxGheTToGumbYxx | 16

#5494440 - Thursday 16 May 2013 16:45

I'd rather have someone tuck in my tag on my shirt than walk around with my tag out like a doofus. Haha.

By Dracoboxer357 | 35

#5494414 - Thursday 16 May 2013 16:32

Butt I'll bet you'll never forget to check for it from now on, will you? ;)

thepunman | 11

#5494446 - Thursday 16 May 2013 16:51

He didn't ass you.

rg350dx | 29

#5494468 - Thursday 16 May 2013 17:09

You guys are crackin' me up

Soloman212 | 28

#5494489 - Thursday 16 May 2013 17:36

I agree, OP should have thanked her for her assistance and turned the other cheek to the rear intrusion.

MrBrightside21 | 20

#5494877 - Thursday 16 May 2013 23:20

It's a rear occasion to see this many consistent puns.

UnidentifiedFun | 37

#5495164 - Friday 17 May 2013 2:23

Yeah, we're very anal about keeping the thread going.

By Bano360 | 25

#5494415 - Thursday 16 May 2013 16:32

Oh God, I'd be mortified.

By Original_Outcast | 23

#5494418 - Thursday 16 May 2013 16:34

Her OCD has nothing on Death the Kid

i_luv_dogs | 10

#5495388 - Friday 17 May 2013 5:34

SOUL EATER!

By blcksocks | 19

#5494419 - Thursday 16 May 2013 16:34

I still think it is better than having a stranger's finger in your butthole.

JFloUnknown | 24

#5494649 - Thursday 16 May 2013 19:55

Or hump you when you bend over for change.

Ins0mau | 20

#5494702 - Thursday 16 May 2013 20:34

Have you tried it, 7?

uhmaizing | 3

#5494948 - Friday 17 May 2013 0:13

I think technically that would be like a one night stand

AnimeBitch | 14

#5495481 - Friday 17 May 2013 7:32

DA FUQ?

Norja | 33

#5495755 - Friday 17 May 2013 14:37

You're probably right but I can't say at the time I was thinking "glad it didn't go all the way in!"

By skyeyez9 | 24

#5494420 - Thursday 16 May 2013 16:34

I bet you felt like you were in airport security with the TSA.

MrConcise | 34

#5494475 - Thursday 16 May 2013 17:17

I can see the next big headline. "Mall escalators: The best place to hijack a plane."

gc327072 | 29

#5494887 - Thursday 16 May 2013 23:49

37/ I've seen some nonsensical comments, but that takes the cake.

By jackaced | 7

#5494421 - Thursday 16 May 2013 16:36

I'm sure your full body shiver told her she did something unacceptable!

slowlybreakingme | 14

#5495297 - Friday 17 May 2013 4:24

Either that or she thought OP strongly enjoyed it!

By thepunman | 11

#5494422 - Thursday 16 May 2013 16:36

Mind you some people would pay for that.

Dracoboxer357 | 35

#5494436 - Thursday 16 May 2013 16:43

12- Allow me to represent the "unsilent majority" in saying I am not one of them that would. :p

thepunman | 11

#5494450 - Thursday 16 May 2013 16:53

I'll admit, my comment was pretty stupid.

Dracoboxer357 | 35

#5494459 - Thursday 16 May 2013 16:59

24- Aww, no worries, perhaps I was just a fingertouch too anal with you in my response. ;)
Cheers!

By jackaced | 7

#5494432 - Thursday 16 May 2013 16:41

And buttcrack money