Intimacy: Today, while my boyfriend and I were getting intimate, I let...

By Anonymous - United States

Today, while my boyfriend and I were getting intimate, I let out a moan that can only really be described as sounding like a clown car horn. He ended up laughing so hard that he couldn't continue. FML

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Intimacy

Dementia or hate? You decide

This Charming Man

Walk the line

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was driving out to a concert I've been excited about for months. I was using my GPS to guide me to the venue. It decided to guide me to an abandoned warehouse in the middle of town. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was cleaning my apartment because I'm moving. I was being really thorough so I could get as much of the damage deposit back as possible. I noticed I still had one of those 3M plastic hooks on the wall, and when I went to carefully take it off, a large chunk of the wall came with it. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Covington

Today, the power went out in my area. My wife and I were bored so I lit some candles, poured some wine, and left little to her imagination about what my intent was. We cuddled a while and as I leaned in for a kiss the power came back on. She was more excited that the WiFi was back than anything. FML

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By Anonymous - Israel - Tel Aviv

Today, my now ex-boyfriend actually tried to justify his cheating by saying it doesn't count as cheating if the girl's bisexual. FML

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By Ab - United States

Today, I ran out of underwear and so I went into my mom's drawer to borrow a pair from her. It was then that I found out my mom uses the same vibrator as I do. FML

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By ohhelllllno - Canada

Today, the $300 ring my boyfriend gave me for my birthday slipped off my finger... into the toilet. I had to sift through my own poo to get it back. FML

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By hilariousnow - Vietnam

Today, with my girlfriend I planned a trip to Bali on this Thursday and we will celebrate Christmas together. Hotel booking done, flight tickets bought, swimsuits packed. I just forgot one thing: tell my boss I'll be on leave till next week. He gave me a new project. The deadline is next monday. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, an intoxicated homeless man tried to chase me out of a McDonald's because he thought I was President Obama. I'm a 26-year-old white woman. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I found a bug under my foreskin. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/2/2021 05:01

College life is hell

Today, my crush came up to me at a college party and said "I like you." I tried to be cool and said sarcastically, "Thank you. I like myself too. That was a wonderful prank." He was amazed, and asked me how I knew it was a prank. FML

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By rydawg79 - United States

Today, I finished moving out of my apartment and decided to clean the fridge before I left. I pulled out a drawer that I never used and was shocked to find a moldy, rotten, decayed watermelon. I remembered that I had bought a watermelon the first week I moved into the apartment. Four years ago. FML

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By mommabuser

Today, my daughter's hamster pulled the water bottle off the glass, so I decided to super-glue the bottle back on. We came back an hour later to see if it had stuck, only to find both the bottle and rodent glued to the glass. FML

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Right in the kisser

Today, I was in sociology class and I raised my hand to ask a question, not realizing that the professor was right behind me. I smacked him right in the face, no doubt reducing my chances of a good grade. FML

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By I said whaat

Today, I was in the mall for the second day in a row with my 7-year-old brother. As we walked past Santa he asked me, "Why does Santa look different today"? Not thinking, I said, "Because each mall has a different Santa." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was in a movie when my boyfriend sent out a mass text saying that he'd just lost his virginity. FML

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By Jimbo - United States

Today, I came home on leave after a seven month deployment in the middle of the ocean for the Navy. My entire region got hit by the worst flood in recorded history. I need a speedboat to go to the Quick-e-mart. FML

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36255

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By runsinthefamily - United States - Aurora

Today, my neighbor called the cops on me, claiming I'd threatened him with a gun. Despite zero proof, they took me to the station and gave me hell. I guess what I've learned today is that you should never offend your crazy neighbor by breaking up with his daughter. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out that my mom doesn't know my phone number, but she does know the names of both of David Hasselhoff's daughters. FML

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By egged - Singapore

Today, I came home from work and found my house egged, and bricks thrown through my windows. I called the police, and submitted a report. Later that night, I heard the doorbell ring. Nobody was at the house, but there was a note saying "Sorry, wrong house". FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I put on a lacy dress with nothing underneath and walked nonchalantly into the living room. My husband took one look at me, let out a heavy sigh and said "right now?" FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Cabin John

Today, I got home from work to find my boyfriend sobbing hysterically over the death of his cat. The only cat he could be talking about is the one on his Sims account. FML

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By qtpieo1 - United States

Today, I was at the pool with two boys I baby sit. The eldest wouldn't get out of the pool so I pretended to call his dad. He then ran out of the pool, pushed me down, grabbed my phone, chucked it into the pool and then ran back into the pool. FML

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By m33p - United States - San Francisco

Today, I took a nice relaxing dump at school, in my pants, in the middle of class. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had all four of my wisdom teeth extracted. Under anesthesia I told the dentist my entire love life and drug history in detail. FML

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By Stop being healthy

Today, and every other day this week, I brought carrots and celery into work to eat as a snack instead of chocolate. I got back from lunch to find a note on my desk saying, "Do you really think it's OK to eat carrots and celery that loudly every day?" Guess I won't try to be healthy. FML

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4362

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By Face - Australia

Today, I got hit in the face with a piece of bacon. FML

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15297

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By First date - 30/3/2021 02:00

Nerves, dear?

Today, on my first date with a guy I really like, I threw up not once, not twice, but three times. FML

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781

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out my little sister is a pyromaniac. She set my bed on fire. FML

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30195

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By sopissed - United States - Laurel

Today, I went to take my driver's test, and I did almost everything perfectly. The last thing was to back into a driveway. As I went to put my hand on the passenger seat to look over my shoulder, I got so nervous that I hit my instructor in the face. FML

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29580

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By Leash - United States

Today, I was walking down the street in downtown Charleston where there are a lot of horse-drawn carriage tours and I decided to pick up some litter. Some of it was in a puddle of water, but after I picked up the trash, I realized the puddle was horse urine. FML

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By thatwasembarrassing

Today, at a dinner I'd been planning for months with my fiancé to talk to our families about the wedding for the first time, he told me he didn't want to get married. I cried in front of both of our families and a dozen of strangers. FML

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By Flip - France

Today, to avoid looking like a loser in front of his friends who all have girlfriends, my brother made up a perfect relationship. He asked me to give him a hickey in exchange for 50 euros. Our parents walked in on us. FML

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16769

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By qwerty - United States

Today, I walked outside to get the newspaper and slipped on the icy driveway. Because I was wearing boxers and a robe, my legs got all scraped up. After much cursing, I got the paper and went inside. The headline read "Caution: Icy Conditions". FML

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By sheyshey0413 - United States

Today, I realized that my boyfriend will only have sex with me if I am on my stomach and not revealing my face. FML

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By Female_Lucifer - United States - New Lebanon

Today, my father was taking pictures of my friend and me as we got ready for homecoming. After the pictures were taken, he offered to show us. He scrolled one picture too far and ended up showing us a picture of his penis. FML

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By xXxtwilightLUV95xXx - United States

Today, I woke up to the most awkward breakfast of my life. Apparently, last night after taking my sleeping pill, I went into my mom's room and started spilling secrets left and right. Secrets about my current crush, the people I've hooked up with, and how when I say I'm going over to my friend Beth's house, I'm really seeing a guy. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/2/2021 22:58

Worth it

Today, my mom thought it would be funny to wake me up with a monster mask on, holding a knife, and screaming, "I'm going to kill you!" My first response was to punch her in the face then kick her. Guess who's grounded for a month. FML

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By arsenic660 - United States

Today, I went into my part-time job at a drugstore. We always have one item we try and sell to every customer. For the next week I have to ask every person if they would like to try my nuts. FML

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By mattlikesfunions - United States - Federal Way

Today, I told my parents that I was going on a diet to lose weight and I wanted their support. They brought home donuts and pizza for dinner. FML

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By dee - United States

Today, I wound up cleaning vomit out of the window track of my car at midnight, in the nicest dress I own, after my husband got completely wasted at his office Christmas party. FML

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Top comments

By Welshite | 39

#6372442 - Thursday 6 August 2015 0:10

The next step is finding out how many men can fit inside. You'll be a hit at the local circus.

By mds9986 | 24

#6372438 - Thursday 6 August 2015 0:09

Stop clowning around and get serious.

COMMENTS

By mds9986 | 24

#6372438 - Thursday 6 August 2015 0:09

Stop clowning around and get serious.

By Welshite | 39

#6372442 - Thursday 6 August 2015 0:10

The next step is finding out how many men can fit inside. You'll be a hit at the local circus.

Rkikkas9713 | 25

#6372453 - Thursday 6 August 2015 0:14

Why did this get downvotes? I think it's absolutely hilarious!

1dvs_bstd | 41

#6372517 - Thursday 6 August 2015 1:02

Close the comments. We have a winner!!

By wickedhyype | 17

#6372448 - Thursday 6 August 2015 0:12

Lol next time just play it off as role playing....because clowns can be sexy too, right?

LittleRed79 | 39

#6372489 - Thursday 6 August 2015 0:32

I do NOT want to know about your childhood!

MrSassypants | 32

#6372534 - Thursday 6 August 2015 1:21

Can clowns be sexy? Harley Quinn? Yes. Any other clown? No.

By emilytheperson | 17

#6372455 - Thursday 6 August 2015 0:14

Hah, I've been there before..

By rachelthelime_fml | 29

#6372472 - Thursday 6 August 2015 0:23

I'm sorry OP, but that's fucking hilarious x'D

By Cassandra2015 | 21

#6372474 - Thursday 6 August 2015 0:25

Couldn't finish ...
he should have laughed it off and continued. can't leave a girl hanging !

dylanhasemann13 | 6

#6372536 - Thursday 6 August 2015 1:24

why? would you want to finish still?

Cassandra2015 | 21

#6372578 - Thursday 6 August 2015 2:50

the point of sex is to have orgasms . regardless of something funny or not, I would want to finish .

dylanhasemann13 | 6

#6372593 - Thursday 6 August 2015 3:20

Then just go rub the clit when that happen I guess

YourOpinionSucks | 22

#6372637 - Thursday 6 August 2015 4:44

See you would want to finish, but he wouldn't be able to if you're honking on and on like the green sidekick from the 90's cartoon "Doug"

By dylanhasemann13 | 6

#6372475 - Thursday 6 August 2015 0:26

Did he honk the pussy?

By HrothgarXII | 21

#6372477 - Thursday 6 August 2015 0:26

To be fair to your boyfriend, I think we all would have laughed too hard to continue.

By karcummings | 19

#6372479 - Thursday 6 August 2015 0:27

that is insanely funny, sorry about him not finishing tho.

By whatarethisss | 22

#6372480 - Thursday 6 August 2015 0:28

He's a keeper....lol, that's funny.