Work and Intimacy: Today, while making deliveries, a lady answered the door stark...

By Anonymous - 04/11/2017 05:00

Today, while making deliveries, a lady answered the door stark naked and invited me in. I'm a young single guy so I went for it, but her husband was also there, ready to go with an enormous boner, so I ran to my van and went back to the depot. They reported me for bad customer service. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 754

You deserved it 2 700

Work Intimacy

Stop talking!

Bottom of the list

Not the golden child

By ppema - 31/07/2015 18:28 - United States

Today, I went to a frozen yogurt stand with my dad. One of the flavors was called "Juicy Cherry." I had to stand there and watch in horror as he told the woman running the stand all about how he'd like to taste her juicy cherry. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 719

You deserved it 2 216

By notsexy - 28/07/2009 22:28 - United States

Today, my boyfriend came over so that we could have some "fun". It turns out, his idea of foreplay is squishing my breasts together and making them talk. FML

I agree, your life sucks 55 650

You deserved it 8 411

By Ciabatta - 20/11/2008 11:10 - France

Today, it's my one year anniversary with my husband. I put on a sexy outfit, red dress and slinky underwear, and waited for him to get home. He walked in the door and asked me with a quizzical look if I was going out tonight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 239

You deserved it 3 427

By richkief76 - 10/05/2011 02:34

Today, I finally found where the awful lingering stench in my house was coming from. My son thought it would be funny to piss in the baby's humidifier. He's 16. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 900

You deserved it 8 308

By ahhnotoy - 27/04/2009 02:29 - United States

Today, I bought a box of Fruit Loops. When I got home, I noticed a free prize would be in the box. I sifted through the box, looking for the small toy. It wasn't in there. I don't know what is more sad, the fact that I got ripped off by a children's cereal or that I'm 21 and upset by it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 090

You deserved it 14 552

By spandex - 24/03/2009 06:47 - United States

Today, I had to perform a skit in my class in which I have to wear tight spandex compression shorts. The class laughed pretty hard, and I felt like I had done a good job. Afterward, a girl I have a crush on said, "So the stereotype about Asian guys IS true." Through the fluorescent lights you could see my junk. FML

I agree, your life sucks 85 322

You deserved it 11 894

Boozehound

By fuck you mom - 17/04/2020 20:00

Today, my mom laid into me, calling me a selfish bitch, blaming me for my dad not being around and finally that she should’ve aborted me. All because I couldn't get her booze from the neighborhood market she’s been banned from. I’m not even 21. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 746

You deserved it 143

By Anonymous - 29/01/2012 19:15 - United States

Today, I woke up and decided that I no longer give a fuck what I look like. Today is also the day a very attractive exchange student joined my private band lessons. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 504

You deserved it 12 840

By :( - 17/11/2013 20:27 - United States - Pearland

Today, I got my dad to fill in a questionnaire my teacher handed out on Friday. One question said "I would like to see my son/daughter ______." My dad wrote in the blank: "less often." FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 358

You deserved it 4 519

Someone needs a hug

By lukey101 - 13/08/2020 05:01

Today, I was out to lunch when someone in the distance proposed to his partner. She said yes, everyone clapped and cheered. I, on the other hand, burst into tears and couldn't stop bawling for about half an hour. I'm a 32 year old man and don't even know the happy couple. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 276

You deserved it 388

By Loveless - 23/08/2009 00:43 - United States

Today, after my partner of two years broke up with me, I decided to have a heart to heart with my mother about it. Her advice was to clean the house. I asked how that would make me feel better. She said that she wasn't sure, but at least the house would be clean. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 321

You deserved it 4 574

By ayw329 - 31/01/2009 13:51 - United States

Today, I have been reading FML for 12 hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 291

You deserved it 17 009

By USSEYL - 26/11/2008 04:43 - United Kingdom

Today, I was performing the classic 69 position with my girlfriend. I wasn't able to control it : I farted right into her nose. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 963

You deserved it 27 383

By jzappe - 11/10/2011 03:34 - United States

Today, I learned that it takes about half an hour to get melted cheese out of your hair. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 797

You deserved it 5 992

By van no gough - 22/03/2015 00:07 - United States - Springfield

Today, I went out with two friends for lunch. The van we took ran out of fuel, so we pushed it to a nearby gas station, a gas station suffering from a gas shortage. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 353

You deserved it 3 877

By Anonymous - 23/08/2013 23:30 - United States

Today, my boyfriend dumped me for "cheating" on him by using a vibrator. FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 397

You deserved it 17 173

Slip up

By clumsyandhungry - 15/09/2010 04:24 - United States

Today, we were closing the restaurant early. I begin mopping as a couple walks in. The lady slips and falls, and to avoid a lawsuit, we offer them free food. After they left, I slipped on the freshly mopped kitchen floor with dishes in my hands. I didn't get free food. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 905

You deserved it 8 706

By kdeeeceee - 05/11/2011 07:25 - United States

Today, my girlfriend sent me a sexy picture of herself in my boxers. I thought it would be funny to take a picture of myself in the thong she left in my room and send it to her. She thought it would be funnier on Facebook. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 277

You deserved it 49 932

By BrokeAsFuck - 18/10/2012 23:52 - United States

Today, my mom and I went out to a fancy and expensive restaurant per her request; she told me it was her treat. After we ate our meals and the large check came, she excused herself to the bathroom. She didn't come back. I was dine-and-dashed by my own mother. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 370

You deserved it 2 019

By fmerunning - 29/06/2009 00:44 - United States

Today, the cable repairman came to fix my cable which has never worked well. The entire time he was talking about how much extra money he got the "fat bitch who moved here 6 months ago" to pay for her cable. I moved in 6 months ago. I was pregnant. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 100

You deserved it 3 436

By mayoshampoo - 01/09/2014 16:59 - Canada - Toronto

Today, someone, and I still can't figure out who, switched my shampoo with mayonnaise. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 575

You deserved it 4 027

By screwed - 22/12/2010 17:56 - Canada

Today, I accidentally walked in on my roommate while she was changing clothes. She insisted on telling her boyfriend what had happened, because, "It wouldn't feel right" if she didn't. Her boyfriend is a MMA fighter/bodybuilder and has major jealousy issues. I'm screwed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 219

You deserved it 4 252

Fingerlickin' good

By Anonymous - 13/07/2016 04:22 - United States - Lewisville

Today, while working at my new job at a surgery center, I noticed how odd it was that the room began to smell like fried chicken. I thought it smelt pretty good, until I learned it was actually the smell of someone getting their ear cauterized. I enjoyed the smell of someone's burning ear flesh. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 157

You deserved it 1 727

By Ben - 25/01/2010 03:31 - United States

Today, I was talking this pretty religious girl that I like. We were playing a game and I asked her if she could go back in history and meet anyone who would it be. She said Jesus. Without thinking I said "I mean someone that was real." FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 244

You deserved it 47 639

By Username - 03/02/2011 18:27 - United States

Today, I went on a date with a guy, who decided to rudely text message his friend the whole time. When I got home, I realized he'd been texting the girl he was going to hookup with after our date; she happens to be my roommate. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 904

You deserved it 3 718

Goodbye phone

By so jealous - 27/04/2020 05:00

Today, I was FaceTiming a good friend of mine from back home, telling her how good she looked and how happy I was to hear from her. My insanely jealous girlfriend snatched my phone and smashed it on the ground. I was saying my friend looked good because she'd just finished chemo. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 137

You deserved it 380

By heterolifepartner - 18/01/2010 06:03 - Australia

Today, I found out my boyfriend of two years role-plays on the internet, pretending to have sex with men. His response when I confronted him about it? "Which specific incidents are you referring to?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 114

You deserved it 2 865

By Marc - 06/02/2012 21:43 - United States

Today, while I was standing in line at the store, some guy insulted the girl in front of me as he walked past. She turned around and socked me in the face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 858

You deserved it 2 176

Pay up, dude

By Anonymous - 23/11/2020 20:02 - Canada - Barrie

Today, I found out I had gotten a parking ticket while I was travelling a few months back in California. I moved since, so I didn’t know I had it so it increased to 200$ and when I told the guy who was actually driving the car about it, he blocked me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 851

You deserved it 114

By Anonymous - 03/01/2015 21:16 - United States - Newark

Today, as I left the supermarket, I found someone had hit my car in the parking lot. There was a note tucked under the wipers. Insurance details? Nope. It just said "Sorry dude. I fucked up. Good luck with the car." Great. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 023

You deserved it 2 265

By Anonymous - 09/02/2016 11:28 - United States - Lansing

Today, I took my girlfriend out for a romantic dinner, since we can't see each other this Valentine's Day. Halfway through, my aunt called, telling me my grandma had died. I had to leave because I was crying so much, leaving my girlfriend with a very pricey bill. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 918

You deserved it 4 423

By SeriouslyMakeItStop - 21/03/2014 11:09 - United States - Waco

Today, three days before I take my bar exam, the biggest exam of my life, I got my monthly. And I get to bring my belongings in a clear plastic bag so the world knows. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 234

You deserved it 9 003

By Kourou - 21/11/2008 12:53 - France

Today, I went to rent a DVD with my 85-year-old grandpa. I was walking around and then realized I was alone. I looked for him for quite a while until I finally found him open-mouthed in the porn section. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 134

You deserved it 3 009

By kqwarrior - 27/06/2016 03:46 - United States - San Francisco

Today, while at the airport with a cast on my leg, I fell backwards onto my suitcase. My family was too busy to notice my squirming as I tried to get up, so a kind woman awkwardly helped me off the ground. Later on, I found out my dad saw me but thought someone would help me "soon enough." FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 688

You deserved it 929

By Kevin - 21/05/2019 16:02

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because I "always wear that stupid little hat." I'm Jewish. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 201

You deserved it 388

By Pontiacman92 - 29/08/2013 07:07 - United States - Pueblo

Today, I found out that the very good-looking woman who sings for one of my favorite bands is actually a guy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 016

You deserved it 8 972

By Anonymous - 25/06/2019 05:00

Today, I was running with two other women when a guy started tailing us in his car and catcalling. I quickly got fed up and gave him the finger. Turns out, he's the husband of one of the women I was running with. For the next half hour, I had to listen to her go on about how adorable he was. She totally saw what I did. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 743

You deserved it 340

By thanks sis - 22/10/2015 00:57 - United States - Reading

Today, my sister asked me to grab her some toilet paper. I refused, so she grabbed my favorite shirt out of the laundry basket and used it to wipe. I was busy icing my sprained ankle. I couldn't walk. She knew this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 676

You deserved it 3 943

What a cozy moment.

By ratfaced - 12/10/2017 07:00 - United States - Stamford

Today, I woke up to a squeaking noise and the feeling of something furry on my cheek. I smiled, thinking it was my guinea pigs nosing me awake. Then I remembered that my guinea pigs were in their cage on the other side of the room, and opened my eyes to see the biggest rat ever staring right at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 644

You deserved it 358

By openended - 21/11/2014 16:56 - United States - Mission Viejo

Today, I realized that having an open relationship isn't all that great, when my boyfriend hooked up with his ex and dumped me for her. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 404

You deserved it 19 341

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Top comments

GhostFox 33

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Thursday 2 November 2017 17:27

That's how murders happen. Never enter a stranger's house, and if they ask why or threaten to complain, tell them it's against company policy.

JasonThorn 18

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Thursday 2 November 2017 19:02

That's what you get when you play on the company clock.

GhostFox 33

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Thursday 2 November 2017 17:27

That's how murders happen. Never enter a stranger's house, and if they ask why or threaten to complain, tell them it's against company policy.

Dave_Davington 33

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Saturday 4 November 2017 11:43

You've been watching too many movies. Murders are almost always done by someone who actually knows and therefore feels they have a reason to kill the victim. It's extremely rare that someone will decide to kill a total stranger for funsies.

GhostFox 33

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Saturday 4 November 2017 18:54

Err, I was specifically referring to the cases where the murderer and victim don't have a prior relationship. The majority of the time, rises like this ARE used as the bait to draw the victim out of the public eye. It's also the common setup for sexual assaults and batteries, when the victim and attacker don't know each other.

wHSKitty 11

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Sunday 15 July 2018 4:50

Investigation Discovery’s “A Stranger in My Home.” Eek.

JasonThorn 18

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Thursday 2 November 2017 19:02

That's what you get when you play on the company clock.

Dave_Davington 33

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Saturday 4 November 2017 5:32

Well, they're technically not wrong.

Dave_Davington 33

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Saturday 4 November 2017 5:33

Fuck, that wasn't meant to be a reply. Goddamnit, now I look like a dickhead.

Donut_Wizard 23

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Saturday 4 November 2017 6:03

When they said to follow your head, that isn't what they meant.

almost_there44 26

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Saturday 4 November 2017 6:04

I will never understand how people can have sex with someone they literally made eye contact with two seconds prior. Saying, "They're two consenting adults", or "As long as they used protection" is getting old. It's none of my business and I know it happens every day, but damn! It is something I could never see myself doing out of fear and disgust.

Dave_Davington 33

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Saturday 4 November 2017 6:42

Contraception and abortions are very recent inventions, so the now obsolete taboo against casual sex is still very much alive.

TheJawsman 18

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Sunday 5 November 2017 5:13

Something tells me those disliking your comment missed your sarcasm disguised as a serious comment, Dave.

EmDizzle2007 28

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Monday 6 November 2017 21:17

congratulations. you have self respect and common sense.

RichardPencil 30

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Saturday 4 November 2017 6:10

You might have made the right call if they wanted you to receive the package instead of delivering yours.

laurellkawes 31

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Saturday 4 November 2017 6:23

You’re lucky your bones weren’t made into wind chimes.

chessu 21

Saturday 4 November 2017 13:05

I mean, as much as I get the temptation, surely you must realise porn isn't real life?

tounces7 27

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Sunday 12 November 2017 17:25

I'm not entirely sure that having the husband there was well makes this any less of a "porn-like" scenario.

EnvyMe33 26

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Saturday 4 November 2017 14:48

Are you sure this wasn’t a dream from watching too many pornos?!?

Taurus_ChicKa 36

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Saturday 4 November 2017 16:05

Both parties are at fault here. She shouldn't have answered the door naked or invited you in (why would she do that with her husband there? Guess she wanted a threesome?), and you shouldn't have accepted the offer since you were on the clock.