Today, while lying in bed with my boyfriend after some steamy...

By myasshurts - 14/10/2011 23:03 - United States

Today, while lying in bed with my boyfriend after some steamy lovemaking, he sat up, slapped my ass with excruciating force, and screamed, "I AM THE THUNDER!" directly into my ear. It seems our senses of humor differ considerably. FML

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Intimacy

Nice neighborhood

Great boyfriend

Don't give up

By Worst Way To Get Promoted - 25/9/2019 16:00

Promoted!

Today, I walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room of our restaurant. I pretended I didn't see him and quickly closed the door. About five minutes later, he came out, cupped my face in his hands and told me I was getting promoted. I'm happy, but scarred for life. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/3/2014 14:00 - United States - Dearborn

Today, I walked into my elderly client's home for my first day of work. I was immediately hit in the eye with something small, and had to get medical attention for a scratched cornea. It turns out my client likes to clip his toenails right by his front door. FML

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By watchyoself - 28/12/2016 21:45 - United States - Miami

Today, my boyfriend had the very expensive watch he got me for Xmas resized. I dropped it trying to put it on and shattered the glass. The warranty won't cover it because of the adjustments made. FML

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By LAXsucks - 20/10/2009 01:10 - United States

Today, I was flying home from LAX when I realized I left my ID back at the hotel. After making phone calls to the hotel and rental car company, I found it and made it back to the airport in time for my flight. After going through security, I realized I left my cell phone on the hotel counter. FML

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By StupidNurse - 26/1/2012 21:57 - Germany

Today, I cut my finger with a knife while cooking. I work in a hospital and have to use hand disinfectant at least every twenty minutes. It hurts badly. I have to work for eight hours. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/7/2009 10:38 - United States

Today, I cleaned my house after a big party. Everything was great when my parents came home. Except for the bottle of hot and spicy mustard next to the shampoo in the shower. No one knows how it got there. I'm busted because of mustard. FML

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By Anon - 7/11/2009 00:32 - United Kingdom

Today, I arranged the food on my plate in a smiley face to try and make myself feel better. I'm a 38 year old man. It worked. FML

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By Meowitzer - 14/9/2019 22:00

Classy Mom

Today, I was elected "class mom", even though I didn’t want to do it. I was also handed several envelopes in the hectic school hallway, containing parental cash contributions for the year. I lost several of the envelopes while rushing to my car, and now have to contribute €100 instead of €25. FML

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By firstdategonebad - 12/10/2012 18:43 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I went on a coffee date with the man I've been in love with for a while. Before I knew what was going on, he'd started chatting up a pretty girl sitting nearby. I had to drink my coffee alone while he got her number. FML

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By a person - 5/3/2009 04:29 - United States

Today, during my choral concert, I was helping turn the pages for the pianist who was accompanying the singers. In the middle of the song, one of the pages slipped and fell into his crotch area. In a panic, I frantically reached to grab the music. Well, I grabbed something. It wasn't the music. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/3/2010 04:34 - United States

Today, I was at the gas station pumping gas when the lady in front of me had a little boy who asked if he could pump the gas. She said yes and then quickly answered her phone, as it was ringing. She wasn't watching him and he pulled out the pump to early, spraying gas all over me, including my face. FML

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By pacelily - 30/8/2016 20:32 - United States - San Marcos

Today, I met my new upstairs neighbors and their 4 kids all under the age of 6. I met them due to all the thudding upstairs. FML

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By Michelle - 9/1/2010 16:11 - United States

Today, I woke up feeling extremely nauseous. When I started to feel better, I felt like I needed to spit. I went into the bathroom and opened the toilet to see someone had taken a giant crap the night before and forgotten to flush. The smell made me vomit all over my feet. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/6/2013 07:09 - Australia

Today, I received 5 missed calls from a florist stating that they were having problems delivering a bouquet from my ex. I was thrilled at the idea of a reconciliation. Turns out however that he just got mine and his new girlfriend's phone numbers confused. FML

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By romantic84 - 31/5/2011 04:51 - Canada

Today, my girlfriend told me how she loves when I kiss her out of the blue. I don't have the heart to admit I only do it so I can get some peace and quiet for a few seconds. FML

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By sothatsano - 16/12/2015 08:56 - United States - Spokane

Today, I was going to propose to my girlfriend. At the right moment, I got down on one knee. As I was reaching into my pocket to get the ring, she got so freaked out she kicked me in the face. I chipped a tooth and the ring flew off, and now I can't find it. FML

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By GnarCarBar - 12/9/2011 23:03 - United States

Today, I woke up to the feeling of someone tickling my back. I quickly realized I haven't been touched in so long that I was smiling to flies landing on me in my sleep. FML

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By lyssamarie316 - 1/10/2011 00:23 - United States

Today, I went to an interview for a job at a company I've applied for numerous times this year. When I showed up at the interview room, I found it was a vacant office. I called and confirmed the address. I guess this was my hint to stop applying. FML

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By The nice guy finishing Last - 27/3/2017 12:00

Today, my mom talked me into going to a funeral since my dad wouldn't go. It was for one of her classmates. When it was our time to view the casket, we paused in front of it for a second before my mom leans over to me and says, "What if I told you that was really your dad?" FML

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By Mamasboyhater - 15/6/2010 09:50 - United States

Today, my boyfriend of 4 years broke up with me because his mom told him to. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/10/2010 11:22 - Australia

Today, I missed my history exam because they'd changed the day. Apparently they sent out an email to let everyone know. Too bad I'd banned myself from the internet in order to study for the exam. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/3/2017 04:00

Today, our cat died. My husband and I had a touching bonding moment together. Our relationship has been strained for months, and I thought this could bring us closer. He decided to bring up politics. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/9/2010 03:00 - United States

Today, I was in the bathroom stall when a man made eye-contact with me through the cracks. I quickly looked away, and about a minute later I looked back to see if he was gone. He was still there and was actually trying to keep making eye-contact with me while I pooped. FML

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By KatieB - 4/4/2012 21:11 - United Kingdom - Newark

Today, my boyfriend was over. I asked my dad how long until dinner was ready, his reply was, "Five minutes, so no, you can't go upstairs for a quickie". FML

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By Anonymous - 25/7/2014 02:04 - Canada - Burnaby

Today, after months of job hunting, I finally got a phone interview with a company. Excited, I prepared for the interview and conducted extensive research on the company. The interview ended within a minute. They'd got the wrong person. FML

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By lemonlime66 - 1/3/2017 22:00

Look Before You Leap

Today, while sitting in a busy store waiting area with my brother he went to the bathroom and came back with his hands cupped saying he found a mouse. He then threw it on the magazine in my lap. I jumped up screaming and flailing about while everyone stared and laughed. It was a piece of cotton. FML

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By anonymous - 6/3/2010 06:10 - United States

Today, I was in my room, in my briefs and texting my girlfriend. Suddenly, I got a massive erection and I decided to take a picture to send her. As soon as my camera phone clicked, my mom walked in. You can see my mom in the picture screaming at me. FML

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By HDCkid - 5/4/2009 08:48 - United States

Today, I met a new client in person for the first time. When I went to shake his hand, it was made of plastic. Startled, I laughed thinking it was a practical joke. It wasn't. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/3/2015 11:04 - Netherlands - Dronten

Today, I worked up the courage to tell my girlfriend that I love her. She made a face like she'd just sucked on a lemon and said, "Um... yay, I guess...?" and awkwardly left the room. FML

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By coolest_mom - 25/11/2015 06:00

Today, while changing my daughter's diaper, I lifted up her butt to wipe her, which coincidentally caused her to fart. I hadn't wiped her yet so the force of air caused poop to fly at me at high speed, landing on my chest and face. My husband burst out laughing, saying, "You've been ass-blasted!" FML

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By lk mm, n vwls - 11/1/2014 01:20 - United States - Mansfield Depot

Today, my boss hung a dartboard in his office. It has a printout of my employee photo taped to it. FML

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By Kay - 2/6/2013 19:00 - India - Nagari

Today, I discovered that my 20-year-old son has been using my bras for his jerk-off sessions. FML

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By partycats - 23/7/2009 04:40 - United States

Today, I went to a funeral. When I got there, I hugged one of the family members and he asked, "How are you?" Out of habit, I replied, "Good, how about you?" He looked appalled and shouted "How the fuck do you think I am?! My mother just died!" loud enough for everyone to hear. FML

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By woopdeedo_1 - 7/3/2010 19:56 - United Kingdom

Today, I went to a party and crashed on the bedroom floor. I woke up to sex noises coming from the bed. I pretended to still be asleep. I sent a text to my boyfriend to tell him about it. I heard his phone beep from over in the bed. FML

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By So little trust. - 12/7/2013 23:18 - Canada - Coaldale

Today, I walked in on my daughter hugging and sobbing into her Edward Cullen cut-out. She won't tell me what's wrong, yet she can confide in a creepy fictional stalker whose facial expression is locked to "chronically constipated". Where did I go wrong? FML

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By pussy - 4/5/2009 14:46 - Italy

Today, I was talking to my boss about her children. She told me she didn’t want them to develop any problems by letting them sleep with the light on. I didn’t tell her last night I slept with the light on because I’m scared of ghosts. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/1/2011 11:18 - United States

Today, I was at my friend's house. We were looking at her dad's guns, and I was explaining gun safety and how you should never put your finger on the trigger. I then shot a hole in the floor of her house. FML

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By Wilhelm - 26/4/2016 14:47 - Philippines - Makati

Today, I heard water dripping at the back of our house. I went to investigate, only to find a man peeing on our garden gnome. FML

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By andthatshowitgoes - 14/6/2009 05:42 - United States

Today, my adorable 8 year old son told me he no longer wanted me to pick him up from school. When I asked why, he said, "I told everyone at school my mommy is pretty... and I don't want people to know I lied." FML

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By unfucked - 26/8/2012 23:18 - Australia - Mona Vale

Today, my girlfriend and I reconciled after having a huge fight last week. We went out drinking, and things got pretty intense, so we went back to my place. We made it to the bedroom, but somewhere between her taking off my shirt and me taking off her pants, we both passed out. FML

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Top comments

By nolaneldridge | 1

#3434287 - Saturday 15 October 2011 6:06

"get ready to feel the thunda!!!"

By TheFakeFamilyGuy | 9

#3434280 - Saturday 15 October 2011 6:05

Is he?

Comments

By TheFakeFamilyGuy | 9

#3434280 - Saturday 15 October 2011 6:05

Is he?

Naomimi_fml | 6

#3434347 - Saturday 15 October 2011 6:11

Unless you're into that sort of thong?

enonymous | 8

#3434483 - Saturday 15 October 2011 6:25

Welcome to the Thunderdome

krystal753 | 0

#3434522 - Saturday 15 October 2011 6:30

at least he spanked u :) I love it wen I get spanked

crownlogic | 25

#3434555 - Saturday 15 October 2011 6:34

Maybe he was channelling Thor.

wakadalhadaf | 4

#3434581 - Saturday 15 October 2011 6:39

You should've said "and i am the lightning"!!!!!!!!

nalia18 | 8

#3434612 - Saturday 15 October 2011 6:48

Uhmmm...

Naomimi_fml | 6

#3434693 - Saturday 15 October 2011 7:06

*thing, damn. Or thong. however he'll have it.

ejones1991 | 0

#3434877 - Saturday 15 October 2011 8:01

#34: Your profile picture makes me want to punch my iPhone in the face... No offense

btnhdude | 0

#3435199 - Saturday 15 October 2011 11:00

54, but his picture of her makes me giggle like a little girl.

laurbear12 | 3

#3435224 - Saturday 15 October 2011 11:25

34 looks like Justin Bieber haha

kemando | 22

#3435301 - Saturday 15 October 2011 12:13

68 how perceptive of you.

nitram06 | 2

#3435449 - Saturday 15 October 2011 12:59

Says the guy with the Bieber haircut, LOL irony at its best.

maddy14 | 0

#3435503 - Saturday 15 October 2011 13:19

No shit...I didn't no that

Iamnotyourmom | 0

#3435577 - Saturday 15 October 2011 13:49

54 you look like Justin Bieber, so uhm yeah.

The_Troller | 14

#3435746 - Saturday 15 October 2011 14:42

Derp derp that's because it is

DK1234567 | 8

#3436095 - Saturday 15 October 2011 16:38

Am I the only one who's reminded of that Selena Gomez song "I am the thunder and you are the lightning" EVERYTHING COMES NATURALLY IT COMES NATURALLY bAbY BaBy

vergaso | 0

#3436120 - Saturday 15 October 2011 16:45

No dk... We are not all homosexual 5 year olds

Mean_Mr_Mustard | 9

#3436377 - Saturday 15 October 2011 17:41

28- I would channel Thor any day of the week.
Thor: "This mortal body grows in my pants, I need substance!"
Me: (pushes three fat women over and excitedly jumps up and down while raising hand) "Pick me!!!"

.... Excuse me, I am going to go watch some midgets dressed like Thor getting it on...

nalia18 | 8

#3437445 - Sunday 16 October 2011 1:06

Imma girl.... And if youd read my info you would no i look nothing like this unless i under went some major not needed surgery... And a haircut...

hinchkongfang | 0

#3438021 - Sunday 16 October 2011 3:40

Did he cum with the thunder?? Sounds like it!!

TheFakeFamilyGuy | 9

#3439086 - Sunday 16 October 2011 9:31

Fuck yes. I unintentionally made a good comment.

Atomicsoap | 0

#3442590 - Monday 17 October 2011 1:06

I don't think most people get his joke... He is the thunder because he came 2nd.

xMaeLA | 22

#6687702 - Sunday 11 September 2016 18:50

*know

By nolaneldridge | 1

#3434287 - Saturday 15 October 2011 6:06

"get ready to feel the thunda!!!"

nellienicole | 1

#3434611 - Saturday 15 October 2011 6:46

I would have found that funny...maybe not the yelling in the ear part.

exleonhart | 0

#3434627 - Saturday 15 October 2011 6:50

THUNDER, Thunder, THUNDER! ThunderCats Ho!!!

aceman1992 | 9

#3434916 - Saturday 15 October 2011 8:21

can we also assume that he is lighting fast?

Llama_Face89 | 33

#3436390 - Saturday 15 October 2011 17:42

You've been - thunderstruck!

False_Stupidity | 41

#3436417 - Saturday 15 October 2011 17:47

101 gets the bonus points for the ACDC reference :)

milky953 | 0

#3438130 - Sunday 16 October 2011 3:59

watch the ballad of truck thunders on YouTube it'll make this FML a lot funnier.

amoscore | 5

#3439625 - Sunday 16 October 2011 13:00

Damn I laughed while reading this.

By Gymnast317 | 4

#3434289 - Saturday 15 October 2011 6:07

Haha!

DerekBlaskie | 6

#3448262 - Tuesday 18 October 2011 5:05

Why do you even waste time posting this comment If all you're going to say is haha..

By ckr911 | 5

#3434294 - Saturday 15 October 2011 6:07

Oh god... Some people.... And how exactly did you end up with him? :/

changesinme | 0

#3434981 - Saturday 15 October 2011 8:51

They probably went out a couple of times, grew fond of each other, either one asks the other if they wanted to be in a relationship, either one agrees and here we are now?