Intimacy: Today, while lying in bed with my boyfriend after some steamy...

By myasshurts - 14/10/2011 23:03 - United States

Today, while lying in bed with my boyfriend after some steamy lovemaking, he sat up, slapped my ass with excruciating force, and screamed, "I AM THE THUNDER!" directly into my ear. It seems our senses of humor differ considerably. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 628

You deserved it 6 640

Intimacy

Batman

Empathy lives

A new enemy

By kenabrookee - 03/04/2013 05:48 - United States - Northridge

Today, I met my boyfriend's family for the first time. We got on the subject of theatre, and his dad brought up "The Book of Mormon", how finally someone was making fun of those "nasty, polygamist, cultist freaks", and if his son ever dated one, he would disown him. I'm Mormon. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 911

You deserved it 14 708

By Anonymous - 30/06/2009 20:15 - United States

Today, I called the police regarding people speeding down my street because I was worried for my young kids. On the way home from my daughters ballet class I got pulled over 2 houses away from my house and got a $150 speeding ticket. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 700

You deserved it 117 365

By Oblivious - 25/09/2009 01:19 - United States

Today, I fell off my desk chair. Why? I failed to notice that the screws I'd been finding on the floor around my room for the past few months belonged to said chair. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 469

You deserved it 31 942

By Anonymous - 08/04/2014 16:07 - Italy - Vigodarzere

Today, after months of being on anti-depression medication and feeling very little emotionally, I finally felt some joy. Sadly it was from completely crushing my husband in an argument he started, where he claimed ketchup is a vegetable. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 486

You deserved it 4 819

Out of the mouth of babes...

By DEE - 26/07/2018 15:00

Today, while I was getting ready for the day, my 5-year-old daughter looked at me and said, "Mom, maybe you should do some gymnastics today. Your legs look bigger." FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 711

You deserved it 448

Creepy Dick Pic

By huh? - 18/09/2019 13:00 - United States - Monterey Park

Today, my ex-boyfriend sent me a photo of him getting head from a gorgeous woman. He captioned it “Jealous?” with smiley emojis. I’m not sure what’s creepier, the fact that he sent it, that he even has my new number or that we broke up more than 8 years ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 576

You deserved it 125

By MJensen - 10/05/2016 21:57 - Denmark - Herlev

Today, I wanted to be nice to my boyfriend and buy him a cake. Not only did I drop it in the bus, when I got home I forgot that I'd put it on my bed, and sat on it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 931

You deserved it 4 223

By Jack - 30/11/2010 08:48

Today, a guy at my work asked if I could fix his computer in his cubicle. The first thing I see on the screen when he logs me onto it is an anime porn game with tentacles. My boss walks by, stares at me and then laughs uncontrollably. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 746

You deserved it 3 679

By Paicked - 25/01/2012 12:33 - Australia

Today, my boyfriend told me he loves me. Instead of saying it back, I had a panic attack. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 314

You deserved it 17 632

By j - 18/04/2016 22:24 - United States

Today, my wife told me alcohol gives me "increased confidence without increased ability." FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 499

You deserved it 4 563

By Crombinator - 01/05/2015 05:30 - United States - Estacada

Today, my roommate was making a waterproof iPhone case and decided to use my phone to test it out. It didn't work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 328

You deserved it 4 020

Hangry

By Jago - 12/08/2021 03:01

Today, I'm running so fucking low on money, I have to go to the supermarket to eat free bites of ham, cheese and whatever they have on their aisles for breakfast. FML

I agree, your life sucks 891

You deserved it 95

By Better not - 24/01/2018 20:00 - United States - Kenai

Today, while on vacation with my boyfriend, I decided it would be a good time to try getting intimate with him for the first time. It turns out his penis is so small that I get more enjoyment from a tampon applicator. We're stuck in this cabin for another 5 days. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 087

You deserved it 2 283

By Cxisbest - 23/03/2011 21:21 - United States

Today, as I walked home, I heard the people behind me in an argument over my gender. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 931

You deserved it 10 620

By embarrassed - 21/12/2009 00:26 - United Kingdom

Today, I texted my Dad to tell him I'm staying at my boyfriend's house and won't be home. Since I had predictive text on, my phone didn't quite get the word 'home' - the message I sent said, 'I'm staying at Will's, I'll not be good tonight.' FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 282

You deserved it 29 329

By Tiredoftrying - 11/02/2019 10:00 - Australia

Today, I received my fourth rejection email from McDonald's after applying for one position with them a few weeks ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 021

You deserved it 303

By donttouchmyhair - 19/03/2014 18:14 - Romania - Bucharest

Today, a crazy woman grabbed my hair and mentioned how lovely it was. She then asked when I would donate it. I told her I didn't want to, at which point she started yelling that she was going to get some scissors and cut it all off to teach me a lesson. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 288

You deserved it 3 794

I KNOW!

By Anonymous - 16/07/2021 07:59

Today, my boyfriend mansplained to me that because Loki likes both boys and girls, he’s bi, not gay. I’m bi, and my boyfriend knows this. FML

I agree, your life sucks 626

You deserved it 191

By SaveMeTeddy - 16/10/2013 18:48 - Canada - Burnaby

Today, it hit me that I'm incredibly pathetic, when at the age of 21, I tucked my stuffed animals into bed with me, facing in different directions so they could keep watch for monsters while I slept. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 035

You deserved it 16 196

By parentalfail - 25/12/2009 18:19 - United States

Today, my parents told me they're getting a divorce. However, they asked me not to tell any of the family so that the news doesn't spoil Christmas. Thanks, Mom and Dad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 231

You deserved it 2 245

By DD - 08/02/2010 14:18 - France

Today, my wife told me that she wants a divorce. Apparently, I'm taking too long to forgive her for having an affair. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 875

You deserved it 4 079

Spineless

By Anonymous - 15/07/2020 02:01

Today, after weeks of thinking about how to ask my crush out, I finally was ready to message her on Instagram, only to find out that she unfollowed me after watching my last story. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 181

You deserved it 349

By notmarryingyou - 10/09/2014 17:16 - United States - Bothell

Today, I started a new job. Three of my Kenyan coworkers keep getting together and reminding me that having more than one wife is okay in their country. I've gotten 3 marriage proposals from married men so far. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 923

You deserved it 3 411

Emergency cooking

By YoshiSqu4d - 31/07/2020 20:01

Today, I managed to set off the smoke detectors while cooking burgers. The cops and fire department showed up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 078

You deserved it 342

By everyoneheard - 28/03/2013 15:11 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I was eating out with a group of friends and my boyfriend. During the meal, I accidentally took a sip from my male friend's glass. My boyfriend pointed and said, "Babe, you took his drink." My friend responded by putting his arm round me and saying, "Whatever, I took her virginity." FML

I agree, your life sucks 71 921

You deserved it 18 164

By sothatsano - 16/12/2015 08:56 - United States - Spokane

Today, I was going to propose to my girlfriend. At the right moment, I got down on one knee. As I was reaching into my pocket to get the ring, she got so freaked out she kicked me in the face. I chipped a tooth and the ring flew off, and now I can't find it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 358

You deserved it 1 810

By runfattyrun - 25/12/2016 07:19 - Australia - Abbotsford

Today, I got a gym membership for Christmas, from 3 different people. I think my family's trying to tell me something. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 356

You deserved it 1 189

By poo4brains - 28/04/2012 04:42 - New Zealand - Christchurch

Today, my wife woke me up by giving my erect penis a Chinese burn. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 998

You deserved it 3 603

By Irrationalwife - 31/03/2019 00:00

Today, my husband and I got into a fight about his pervert friend who regularly shows blatant disrespect for our marriage, including sending me inappropriate texts. Apparently this friend should have my full trust, and apparently I am the one with the issue for not excusing his bad behavior. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 329

You deserved it 197

By hatecolin - 10/09/2009 18:46 - United States

Today, I was driving my new car home when I came around a sharp turn to see a groundhog in the road. I kindly stopped and allowed it to cross when all of the sudden a car slammed into the back of mine. Then, another car went flying around us. That car hit and killed the groundhog. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 743

You deserved it 12 929

By Sammijane58 - 31/07/2019 14:00

Today, I watched my best friend get married. I then watched her completely ignore my maid of honor speech, because she was messing with the lights behind us. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 526

You deserved it 209

By notastoner - 19/06/2011 06:38 - United States

Today, I left early from a trashy dance and bought a soda at a Shell station. The clerk asked me if I had been smoking weed. When I replied "No", he said "You mean you always look like that?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 544

You deserved it 5 582

By Hesjustapuppy - 10/05/2016 12:56 - United States - Kalamazoo

Today, while I have never been able to say my dog ate my homework, I do get to call several people and tell them my dog ate my wallet. He even chewed up my driver's license. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 597

You deserved it 1 043

By Anonymous - 15/01/2011 15:33 - United States

Today, I went to dinner with friends for my birthday. During the whole thing they insisted that we get whatever we wanted and celebrate, but when the check came, they all looked at me expectantly. I just bought my friends $150 of food for my birthday present. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 624

You deserved it 4 724

By wtf is a naruto?! - 27/07/2019 09:00 - United States - Hesperia

Today, I was helping my cousin plan her backyard wedding. I requested September 19-21 off for visiting and festivities. My asshole of a boss is refusing, because of some proposed Area 51 invasion. I have no idea what he’s talking about, and I’m afraid I might miss the wedding. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 881

You deserved it 148

By Username - 20/07/2010 04:57 - France

Today, I had the rehearsal for two of my friends' wedding. My ex-husband is also in the wedding, and I just found out we have to walk down the aisle together 'for height reasons'. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 707

You deserved it 3 857

Time is of the essence

By N/A - 26/05/2020 02:00

Today, my job offer from a Fortune 500 company was canceled because of the coronavirus. This is the third time this year a job I passed interviews and tests for got canceled. I’m an international student who just graduated last week. I only have 90 days to find a job to stay in the US. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 721

You deserved it 184

By spoiled22 - 12/10/2011 07:17 - United Kingdom

Today, I was trying to change the batteries of my automatic room freshener. As I held it to my face to figure out where the batteries went, it started spraying on my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 838

You deserved it 28 140

Overreaction

By sadie - 01/04/2021 23:00

Today, my mom yelled at me in the store so loudly and for so long, a crowd began to form. The reason? I didn’t know how much milk we had left at home. I don’t drink milk. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 087

You deserved it 53

By Oh - 22/03/2016 22:36 - United States - Winterville

Today, I wrote my girlfriend a song. She wrote me a 13-page letter on why we should break up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 939

You deserved it 2 180

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Top comments

nolaneldridge 1

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Saturday 15 October 2011 6:06

"get ready to feel the thunda!!!"

TheFakeFamilyGuy 9

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Saturday 15 October 2011 6:05

Is he?

TheFakeFamilyGuy 9

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Saturday 15 October 2011 6:05

Is he?

Naomimi_fml 6

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Saturday 15 October 2011 6:11

Unless you're into that sort of thong?

enonymous 8

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Saturday 15 October 2011 6:25

Welcome to the Thunderdome

krystal753 0

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Saturday 15 October 2011 6:30

at least he spanked u :) I love it wen I get spanked

crownlogic 25

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Saturday 15 October 2011 6:34

Maybe he was channelling Thor.

wakadalhadaf 4

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Saturday 15 October 2011 6:39

You should've said "and i am the lightning"!!!!!!!!

nalia18 8

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Saturday 15 October 2011 6:48

Uhmmm...

Naomimi_fml 6

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Saturday 15 October 2011 7:06

*thing, damn. Or thong. however he'll have it.

ejones1991 0

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Saturday 15 October 2011 8:01

#34: Your profile picture makes me want to punch my iPhone in the face... No offense

btnhdude 0

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Saturday 15 October 2011 11:00

54, but his picture of her makes me giggle like a little girl.

laurbear12 3

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Saturday 15 October 2011 11:25

34 looks like Justin Bieber haha

kemando 22

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Saturday 15 October 2011 12:13

68 how perceptive of you.

nitram06 2

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Saturday 15 October 2011 12:59

Says the guy with the Bieber haircut, LOL irony at its best.

maddy14 0

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Saturday 15 October 2011 13:19

No shit...I didn't no that

Iamnotyourmom 0

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Saturday 15 October 2011 13:49

54 you look like Justin Bieber, so uhm yeah.

The_Troller 14

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Saturday 15 October 2011 14:42

Derp derp that's because it is

DK1234567 8

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Saturday 15 October 2011 16:38

Am I the only one who's reminded of that Selena Gomez song "I am the thunder and you are the lightning" EVERYTHING COMES NATURALLY IT COMES NATURALLY bAbY BaBy

vergaso 0

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Saturday 15 October 2011 16:45

No dk... We are not all homosexual 5 year olds

Mean_Mr_Mustard 9

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Saturday 15 October 2011 17:41

28- I would channel Thor any day of the week. Thor: "This mortal body grows in my pants, I need substance!" Me: (pushes three fat women over and excitedly jumps up and down while raising hand) "Pick me!!!" .... Excuse me, I am going to go watch some midgets dressed like Thor getting it on...

nalia18 8

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Sunday 16 October 2011 1:06

Imma girl.... And if youd read my info you would no i look nothing like this unless i under went some major not needed surgery... And a haircut...

hinchkongfang 0

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Sunday 16 October 2011 3:40

Did he cum with the thunder?? Sounds like it!!

TheFakeFamilyGuy 9

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Sunday 16 October 2011 9:31

Fuck yes. I unintentionally made a good comment.

Atomicsoap 0

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Monday 17 October 2011 1:06

I don't think most people get his joke... He is the thunder because he came 2nd.

xMaeLA 24

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Sunday 11 September 2016 18:50

*know

nolaneldridge 1

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Saturday 15 October 2011 6:06

"get ready to feel the thunda!!!"

nellienicole 1

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Saturday 15 October 2011 6:46

I would have found that funny...maybe not the yelling in the ear part.

exleonhart 0

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Saturday 15 October 2011 6:50

THUNDER, Thunder, THUNDER! ThunderCats Ho!!!

aceman1992 9

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Saturday 15 October 2011 8:21

can we also assume that he is lighting fast?

Llama_Face89 33

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Saturday 15 October 2011 17:42

You've been - thunderstruck!

False_Stupidity 41

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Saturday 15 October 2011 17:47

101 gets the bonus points for the ACDC reference :)

milky953 0

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Sunday 16 October 2011 3:59

watch the ballad of truck thunders on YouTube it'll make this FML a lot funnier.

amoscore 5

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Sunday 16 October 2011 13:00

Damn I laughed while reading this.

Gymnast317 4

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Saturday 15 October 2011 6:07

Haha!

DerekBlaskie 6

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Tuesday 18 October 2011 5:05

Why do you even waste time posting this comment If all you're going to say is haha..

ckr911 5

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Saturday 15 October 2011 6:07

Oh god... Some people.... And how exactly did you end up with him? :/

changesinme 0

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Saturday 15 October 2011 8:51

They probably went out a couple of times, grew fond of each other, either one asks the other if they wanted to be in a relationship, either one agrees and here we are now?