Today, while landscaping my backyard, I was pulling a big weed... - FML

By JurassicHole - 22/4/2012 03:27 - United States

Today, while landscaping my backyard, I was pulling a big weed out of the ground. After the last tug, the soil came free, but ended up with me punching myself full force in the nuts. I think my future children are already filing for parental abuse. FML

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Great boyfriend

The student becomes the master

Rich people problems

By God the smell - 9/8/2018 22:00

Today, my husband had a bad stomach bug and fever. While I was at work, he had diarrhoea but couldn't make it to the toilet so he went in the bin next to his desk, crawled back into bed, and passed out. It sat there in this heatwave for 5 hours. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/9/2018 13:30

Today, my husband hooked up with his classmate in the school I talked him into going to. I helped him pass classes to get there. FML

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By dave - 27/10/2009 15:36 - United States

Today, I took a trip to Wal-Mart. There's a car wash that they conveniently built right outside of this Wal-Mart. So as I was leaving, I decided to make use of this car wash, not even thinking about the $200 worth of groceries I had just purchased. I drive a pick-up truck. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/10/2015 04:42

Today, after finishing a bottle and a half of pure cranberry juice to flush my bladder for a possible infection, I've been spewing liquid shits all day, my asshole burns and it hurts to sit. FML

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By Username - 11/1/2011 09:45

Today, I found out my boyfriend is only with me because he's in love with my sister, who turned him down repeatedly, and I'm the closest he can now get. FML

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By Nohearingornoeating - 17/5/2018 15:00

WHAT?

Today, my brand-new digital hearing aid fell out of my ear as I was walking home from the store. I've retraced my steps, but cannot find it anywhere. It cost $2000, and replacement, like the hearing aid itself, is not covered by insurance. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/12/2013 15:44 - Canada - Sydney

Today, while buying paint, I began to help an elderly woman working to lift some heavy boxes. She told me what a nice young lady I was. Then her boss came over, screamed at her for being lazy and fired her. She cried. So did I. FML

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By married and hates - 19/12/2010 18:51 - United States

Today, I got a call from an ex, demanding to know why my Facebook relationship status was set as married. I got married a few months ago, and I quietly explained this to her. My wife overheard and now thinks I've been cheating all along. FML

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By rejected4555 - 3/8/2012 12:14 - United States

Today, my boyfriend asked me if I wanted to go to the gym with him, and I responded that we could do another kind of workout upstairs. He quickly said he'd rather just go to the gym. FML

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By Abeille - 17/3/2011 00:50 - Canada

Today, I thought I'd take my little sister to the park. After getting bored of playing on the climbers, she thought it would be funny to throw some mud at me; too bad mud wasn’t the only chunky brown stuff on the ground. FML

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By anniecook - 27/11/2009 00:26 - United States

Today, I saw an old man who needed help crossing the street. I went over to him and helped him across the street. When he thanked me, I said, "No problem, sir." They responded by hitting me in the happy sacks and screaming that they were a woman. FML

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By Idigrespectfulattire - 18/3/2015 00:18 - Trinidad and Tobago - Port-of-spain

Today, my brother wore a T-shirt to my birthday party that said "I dig skinny chicks". I'm a recovering anorexic and told him that I didn't really like his shirt. His response? "Don't let the liberal media brainwash you into thinking it's OK to be fat." FML

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By Noname - 30/1/2009 22:08 - United States

Today, I went out to eat with my aunt and uncle, I barely looked at the male waiter because I'm a shy person. Then my uncle says: "YOU SHOULD TAKE OUT MY NIECE! She's never dated in her life." I'm 19 and my match maker is my uncle. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/3/2013 01:13 - United States - Sunnyvale

Today, I came home from work to my 4-year old daughter cussing left and right. I asked her about it; she said that her brother had taught her some words. When I confronted him about the situation, he kicked my shin and screamed, "Stop treating me like a fucking child!" He's 5. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/5/2012 11:44 - Australia - Sydney

Today, I had dinner with my family for the first time in a couple of days. My mum and dad spent the majority of the time arguing whether salt or pepper weighed more. This is why I'm not home often. FML

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By NoJobNovember - 6/11/2014 19:09 - United States - Wadsworth

Today, I took a video of a fellow employee doing nothing but watching YouTube videos at work. When I showed the video to my boss, hoping he'd be reprimanded, I got fired for operating video equipment on company grounds. FML

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By pennyhater - 7/10/2009 20:43 - United States

Today, I was locked inside my dorm room. Yeah, inside. How? Some of my floormates decided to stick pennies in the door frame, which jammed the handle. I was stuck inside my room and had to pee really bad. I couldn't call an RA to get me out either. Why? I am the RA. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/9/2011 17:26 - United States

Today, I was brutally run over by a man in a wheelchair. FML

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By Michaelichael - 28/3/2009 20:17 - United States

Today, I was mowing the lawn of my brand new house, located in a very nice neighborhood (I am a hispanic male), and a lady in her nice white cadillac drove up and asked me, in extremely broken spanish, if I could mow her lawn too. FML

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By KilledTheMoment - 23/11/2014 06:10 - United States - Mundelein

Today, I spent nearly an hour helping a customer pick out an engagement ring. I rang him up, picked out a super cute box for the ring, and wished him luck. Later I realized I never put the ring inside the box. FML

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By Naulwenn - 23/6/2016 04:25 - France - Groslay

Today, my divorced parents have started sending each other photos of both of my bedrooms, to, “compare the shambles and see who wins.“ FML

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By Anonymous - 24/9/2014 13:58 - United States

Today, I went to use the porta potty at the construction site I work at and found two homeless people having sex in it. I almost got fired, because my advisor blamed me. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/2/2011 18:32 - United States

Today, I saw an attractive, thin woman eating a salad. Trying to be smooth, I approached her and told her that she didn't need to eat so scarcely, because she was beautiful. She promptly gave me a dirty look and informed me that she was a vegetarian. FML

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By Fefrank - 25/3/2019 00:00

I broke a bolt on my minivan trying to fix the timing belt myself to save money. I spent about 300 dollars in parts. Today I took the van to the shop and the total to fix it is going to be 1200 dollars. FML

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By gjh - 19/1/2009 03:20 - Australia

Today, my girlfriend offered a blow job, but my hair got stuck in her braces so instead we tried to pull them all out. And no, I didn't get any. FML

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By CollegeChef - 21/1/2013 06:03 - Australia

Today, months into supporting my mum with her part time cleaning job by cooking dinner for my large family after university, I found out that she doesn't actually have a job, she just leaves the house for a few hours because she doesn't want to cook dinner. FML

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By bntje - 14/4/2013 20:39 - Netherlands - Holten

Today, my sister went into a blind rage at me for "upstaging" her by announcing that I'm pregnant, two months after she did the same. My husband and I have been trying for two years. She's in high school and doesn't even know who the father is. FML

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By Lexi - 20/11/2010 19:07 - Canada

Today, I took my two-year-old daughter swimming. While sitting in the hot tub, my daughter pointed to the elderly man sitting across from us and mumbled something. I couldn't understand her, so I asked her to repeat it. After two more attempts, she shouted, "MOM! He has big boobs!" FML

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By Anonymous - 4/9/2017 20:00

Today, my girlfriend and I slept naked after a great night together. I awoke to a sharp pain in my penis and found our cat trying a new scratching post. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/11/2009 12:56 - Finland

Today, I found out that my mom had read my diary because she was worried. She now knows details about my depression, details about my sex life, such as how I lost my virginity, to whom (I don't have a boyfriend), and what condition I was in at the time (drunk as a duck). She also showed my dad. FML

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By ohshat - 22/12/2009 18:05 - United States

Today, I was on Facebook chat with my boss, talking about holiday hours. I had to go to my doctor's appointment, so I said, "G2G, love you" accidentally. Not only did he say it back, but he also requested a relationship with me on Facebook. FML

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By future burger flipper - 3/6/2013 19:22 - United States - Whitewater

Today, my parents blew my entire college fund in their quest to finish building their replica Hobbit house in our back yard. FML

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By erphy21 - 26/9/2015 20:44 - United States - Lompoc

Today, my 18 year old son learned that just because his girlfriend was on top doesn't mean gravity will prevent her from becoming pregnant. FML

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By jacie - 18/11/2018 15:30

Today, I tried on a pair of pants in a dressing room and they didn’t fit. However, my period came suddenly and left a massive bloodstain, so I had to buy them anyway. In case you’re wondering, the pants were white, the cashier was male and cute, and he definitely noticed. FML

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By zombie mommy - 27/6/2020 17:02

Demonic attack!

Today, my 10-month-old kept me up all night after a gruelling day. I finally fell asleep with her at about 2 a.m., and I woke up half an hour later to her hands on my throat, and her biting my nose. Startled, I took a big breath through my nose and snorted an ungodly amount of slobber. I’m awake now. FML

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By fme - 8/12/2010 14:34 - United States

Today, I was making out with this guy, and I ask him if he wants to take my bra off. He has some trouble getting it off and says, "This is strange, I do it for my sister all the time." FML

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By Anonymous - 25/10/2012 05:45 - United States

Today, I was getting intimate with my girlfriend. When she went to give me a blow job, I got embarrassed and told her I'd rather just please her instead. Now she thinks she's inadequate and I'm being a jerk. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/5/2019 06:14

Today, I worked a long shift at my job while feeling like crap, anticipating getting a promotion. As my boss was leaving work, he informed me that because I also go to college, the promotion was being given to another employee that I trained a month ago. This is the second time this has happened. FML

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By Krissy. - 31/3/2009 07:04 - United States

Today, my dad and I were at the grocery store buying toilet paper. As we walk out I see these two attractive guys that I know. My dad gets that I think they're cute, so he shouts "Hey babe, how's your stomach feeling now? Will this be enough for you?" They walk away laughing. FML

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By craZycatLady - 20/4/2015 18:06 - United States - Mission

Today, while spring cleaning, my cat came into the kitchen with a live mouse in her mouth. She looked me dead in the eyes and dropped the mouse, which then ran into my bedroom. It's been 4 hours and I still can't find it. Where's the cat? Chilling like nothing happened. FML

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Top comments

By mmmPoptarts | 6

#4338143 - Sunday 22 April 2012 8:16

That's only if you're still fertile

By jackson41 | 4

#4338164 - Sunday 22 April 2012 8:18

Good thing guys constantly generate new sperm! Lol girls don't generate new "eggs" ever, so if they get damages they literally damage their future children. Nerd moment srry :P

COMMENTS

By mmmPoptarts | 6

#4338143 - Sunday 22 April 2012 8:16

That's only if you're still fertile

Reply

Hidur | 10

#4338166 - Sunday 22 April 2012 8:18

The ground is fertile enough to grow weeds. It's practically mocking him!

Reply

iiTsAJ | 5

#4338275 - Sunday 22 April 2012 8:33

Looks like we're going to have to wait and watch…

Reply

Marcella1016 | 29

#4338431 - Sunday 22 April 2012 9:14

Did you also soil your pants?

Reply

alwaysrunnin | 3

#4338489 - Sunday 22 April 2012 9:26

I feel bad for the poor guy. Yet the FML is funny, especially with 'future children already filing for abuse' and yet ironic cos fertile garden

Reply

yahoowizard | 16

#4338621 - Sunday 22 April 2012 10:27

Thank you for that literary analysis 41. Really talked about stuff under the surface there. B+

Reply

Daederoth | 10

#4339222 - Sunday 22 April 2012 14:55

And let's hope you're not. You probably should not reproduce if you posted a time you punched yourself in the nuts on FML.

Reply

xTwig | 10

#5570342 - Monday 8 July 2013 5:00

I'm thinking around C- not a B+

By The_DoritoNinja | 4

#4338159 - Sunday 22 April 2012 8:17

Don't worry, just Mother Nature screwing with us again.

Reply

Zedd_fml | 8

#4339114 - Sunday 22 April 2012 14:14

OP it's more like, you just punched your future children goodbye.

By Sammmy7Rocks | 0

#4338162 - Sunday 22 April 2012 8:17

If you have kids haha

Reply

The_Hitdude | 12

#4339327 - Sunday 22 April 2012 15:26

Haha--
No.

Think up a better joke next time. Douche.

Reply

itsharkley | 8

#4340196 - Sunday 22 April 2012 18:11

Y U be a douche?!

Reply

lifesabitch77 | 0

#4341919 - Monday 23 April 2012 1:47

Don't be a bitch-_- #75 do you know what a douche is? But in this case it applies...

By jackson41 | 4

#4338164 - Sunday 22 April 2012 8:18

Good thing guys constantly generate new sperm! Lol girls don't generate new "eggs" ever, so if they get damages they literally damage their future children. Nerd moment srry :P

Reply

yoursucklives | 36

#4338297 - Sunday 22 April 2012 8:37

But I think it's very hard to punch a woman in the ovaries!

Reply

MissHayleyJames | 7

#4338447 - Sunday 22 April 2012 9:16

Not really. It's actually quite easy but doesn't have the same impact that it does on testicles.

Reply

yoursucklives | 36

#4338496 - Sunday 22 April 2012 9:27

What I meant to say with that comment, was, that testicals are more "visible" than ovaries.

Reply

goldfishgod | 20

#4338598 - Sunday 22 April 2012 10:17

God bless you. Women are born with a finite number of eggs;men have countless & unlimited sperm.

Reply

HoboSmeller | 6

#4338687 - Sunday 22 April 2012 10:55

@49- which porn has taught us usually ends up on girls faces and lower back.

Reply

Dimence | 9

#4338706 - Sunday 22 April 2012 11:01

Well i thought that if the fabric gets damaged it won't produce more products? Must be a harder force I guess

Reply

Miss_Bethica | 11

#4339985 - Sunday 22 April 2012 17:32

are you dumb? what do you think a period is lol.

Reply

nofearjenshere | 12

#4340033 - Sunday 22 April 2012 17:41

. < This

Reply

itsharkley | 8

#4340200 - Sunday 22 April 2012 18:12

OP was not worried about sperm count. He was worried about fertility. Wait. Im out of character.

Y U no study biology?!

Reply

MissHayleyJames | 7

#4340494 - Sunday 22 April 2012 19:29

Have you women never had a gyno exam before? It's really easy to reach your ovaries through your skin.

Reply

haycassidy | 7

#4341985 - Monday 23 April 2012 2:07

Oh 81, I really hope you're joking.

Reply

MrBrightside21 | 20

#4342270 - Monday 23 April 2012 3:58

I heard that man has a limited amount of sperm, and can only have sex with about every woman in Europe, twice.

Challenge accepted.

...Just kidding. That shit would hurt.

Reply

SubaruWRXSTI | 16

#6638927 - Wednesday 29 June 2016 5:41

81, your period discards an unfertilised egg, in fact women only have 400-500 eggs in their ovaries. I'm a guy and I know this...

By Matt_Lord_Of_The | 3

#4338170 - Sunday 22 April 2012 8:19

Mother nature is having herself a giggle

By WCARlover | 34

#4338186 - Sunday 22 April 2012 8:21

What future children?

Reply

Linkerdoodles | 15

#4339294 - Sunday 22 April 2012 15:18

His sperm…?
Sorry, I can't tell if you're serious or just using dumb sarcasm.

Reply

Wow_FYL_BIZNITCH | 7

#4340060 - Sunday 22 April 2012 17:45

74- asshole.

By loludunnomeee | 18

#4338187 - Sunday 22 April 2012 8:22

They're probably to messed up in the head from the hit to file the report.

By mishaparis | 7

#4338210 - Sunday 22 April 2012 8:25

that does seem painful。

Reply

SkoomaKi | 27

#4338746 - Sunday 22 April 2012 11:24

Oh another duck face.... *loads shotgun*

Reply

The_Hitdude | 12

#4338988 - Sunday 22 April 2012 13:02

Wait SkoomaKi! You'll need something bigger:

*Hands minigun*

Now go! Before she flies away!

By ILoveDaWorld | 5

#4338212 - Sunday 22 April 2012 8:25

dont worry your future kids will only be slightly messed up

By sillycart | 9

#4338220 - Sunday 22 April 2012 8:26

That's prob as bad as pulling on something while another person is pulling the other end and they let go.

Reply

missalkali | 8

#4338335 - Sunday 22 April 2012 8:45

that's exactly what it is except here the other side isn't a person so it minimizes the hard feelings factor