Health: Today, while in my backyard, I had some insane gastric distress.... - FML

By soundslikeadumbcommentersituation - Canada - Brampton

Today, while in my backyard, I had some insane gastric distress. I let out a fart so powerful that it made me yelp in pain, and left my asshole numb. A second later, I heard a cough come from over my neighbor's fence. I had to quietly limp back into my house in shame. FML

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BO Central

The smell detective is on the case

The end of the road

By shrutisoma - Australia - Strathfield

Today, I was at work when a customer came up to me and asked where and what I used to get my tan. I'm Indian. FML

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By bee - United States

Today, I got my report card from school. I pulled my grade up in Algebra from a D to an A. My parents told me that they never expected me to accomplish this, and good job but they've already enrolled me in boarding school. So much for all that extra credit and staying late after school to study. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, at work, I came back from my break to find a child covered in mud. Turns out it wasn't mud. One of the other children had taken all of the poop out of their diaper and smeared it all over the floor, walls, and other children. The other teacher hadn't noticed, and I had to clean it all up. FML

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By BaconLover - Japan

Today, my girlfriend asked me if I could love anything more than her, and if so, what. I guess "bacon" was the wrong answer. FML

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By horribleawfulnogoodverybadweek

Artificial teeth

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me over text because she discovered from my mum that my teeth aren't my natural teeth, and she feels disgusted kissing me. FML

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By yeahhhhhommmie - United States

Today, I was at Wal-Mart walking around when I slipped on some water and twisted my ankle. As I was getting up, a man comes up to me and said "There's some water on the floor, watch out." FML

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By RingofFire - United States - Edenville

Today, I was standing on the patio when one of my upstairs neighbors threw a cigarette butt over the balcony. It landed on my head and burned some of my hair. FML

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By Is_This_Real - United States - Pittsburgh

Today, the only constant person in my life is the guy that smokes outside my apartment building. FML

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By lala456 - United States

Today, I had my noise-canceling headphones on and a girl sitting next to me raised her glass at me. I thought she meant "cheers". So I did a "cheers" with her. When I drank my juice, it was only then did I realize that she was trying to tell me the flight attendant had mixed up our drinks. FML

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By German;)

Street art

Today, I came outside to see someone had written on my car, "I love your hairy butt, pubes, and fat girlfriend!" multiple times. I wouldn't have been bothered if all those things weren't true. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I walked into work, and the first question my boss asks me is "Are those your pajamas?" I was wearing my favorite outfit. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/10/2020 17:02

One hell of a poker game?

Today, I lost 1200 dollars, my fiancée, my dog, my apartment, and my car. FML

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By Username - United States

Today, I was asked how far I've gone with a guy. My answer? Eye contact. I'm 19. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/8/2020 06:55 - United Kingdom

I need it

Today, my husband and I have such busy careers, we have to schedule sex for when we’re both at home and hopefully not too tired, otherwise we’d never have sex at all. The last time we had sex was on my birthday, in April, and our next appointment is mid September. I really miss sex. FML

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By birthdayfun - United States

Today, it's my birthday. My mom decided to wake me up by having our new, previously stray, cat thrown on top of me. I was awoken to two claws ripping across my face which needed 16 stitches to fix. Happy Birthday. FML

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By tessykins - United States

Today, this guy who likes me accused me of cutting myself. I asked him what he was talking about, and he said, "Don't lie, I saw those scars on your thighs when we went swimming." I have stretch marks on my inner thighs, and now I have to explain them to him so he doesn't think I cut myself. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I offered to let my niece and brother stay at my apartment, as my brother was going through a rough divorce and had lost his job. After coming home from work, I found my niece had snapped all of my pencils and had ruined over ten years worth of artwork. FML

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By gengiskarn69 - United States

Today, I thought it would be funny to sneak up on my dad while he was rummaging through his briefcase. He must have heard me, because the moment I got up close, he whirled around and yelled "BOO!" causing me to scream like a little bitch. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I met my father, who I hadn't seen since I was a baby, at Subway. He made me pay for his meal. FML

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By Hailey Antone - United States

Today, I brought my date home to meet my parents. We walked in the front door to find my drunken father wearing nothing but a Viking helmet, and swinging and jabbing our living room furniture with a pool noodle. FML

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By Rae - United States

Today, I picked up my daughter from the day care but before we left, the babysitter needed to have a talk with me. To fill you in, I got a brand new prius yesterday. Apparently my daughter told eveyone that her mommy got a new penis. FML

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By lonely - United States

Today, I hired somebody to send me love letters. I'm that lonely. FML

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By Andrew - United Kingdom

Today, I tried to buy a bottle of wine from the supermarket. The scrawny, acne-ridden kid at the checkout asked to see my ID. I didn't have any on me, since I'm 37 years old and didn't expect to be asked stupid questions. I complained to his manager, only to be asked to leave. FML

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By driven_crazy - United States - Newark

Today, my boss threw a pre-Christmas party at work. He always uses them to rant at us and tell us to be better employees. When the speech began, the alarm I have set for my daily birth control went off. It's the sound of an obnoxious screaming child. FML

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By waterpistolriot - 23/10/2020 11:02 - Austria

Keeping up appearances

Today, I ordered food for delivery. I actually made it sound as if there were other people at home so I had an excuse for ordering so much. I don't think they bought it. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Clay City

Today, I went to buy some beer using my fake ID, when the cute cashier and I started flirting. When he asked me how old I was, I said without thinking, "Nineteen." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend dumped me because his iPod app said I was cheating. FML

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By Not dying. - United Kingdom - Watford

Today, I started getting really bad chest pains at work. I googled it and the internet convinced me I was having a heart attack. Scared for my life, I started to dial for an ambulance when I let out the biggest fart you could ever imagine. Turns out it was trapped gas. FML

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By Anonymous - Netherlands

Today, my brother "borrowed" my car and keys without asking me. He came back 4 hours later, alone and pale faced. It took half an hour of questions, interrogation, and finally threats before he admitted that my car is sitting in a ditch a few miles away, probably totaled. FML

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By Thanks dicks

Today, I got naked in front of a girl for the first time. Too bad it happened when my "friends" pulled down my swimsuit at a party. Everyone saw my penis. I got a boner. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Anchorage

Today, I confronted my girlfriend over how she and a male friend have been going out together, drinking and partying, and at one point holding hands in the street. She angrily accused ME of cheating, because "confronting people like that" is apparently something only cheaters themselves do. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Poplar Hill

Today, I announced my third pregnancy to my family. My dad's only reaction was to scoff, "Really? Stop breeding already." FML

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By honey soy - Australia

Today, my boyfriend was flying his toy helicopter at my head. It got stuck in my hair and I now have a bald patch. FML

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By aswamk - Pakistan - Karachi

Today, my constant constipation has become a running joke in my family; I heard my mom tell my dad that if he wants to keep his Christmas presents safe, he should ask me to eat them. FML

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By Sarah - United States

Today, I saw my brother on TV after 3 years of no contact. He was being arrested on Cops. FML

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By pat - United Kingdom

Today, I got fired from my job as a postman, which I started yesterday. They fired me because I failed to deliver a bunch of papers to a road that no longer exists. FML

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By hé merde - France - Paris

Today, I was pushing my wheelchair-bound grandpa back home, when a pretty girl walked past us in the opposite direction. He made me stop and turn him around, just so he could check her ass out as she walked away. FML

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By All a hoax - 25/10/2020 20:05 - Netherlands - Utrecht

Don't know, don't care

Today, my boss still won't believe in climate change, and won't do anything to reduce our carbon footprint. FML

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By dangit - United States

Today, I was wearing my favorite silk sweater, one I actually paid full price for. I sat down in my desk chair to work, and when I tried to get up I felt a strange pull. A corner of my sweater is still stuck in the screw at the back of the chair, the rest is in the trash. FML

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By Callie - 6/12/2020 20:02 - United States

Jimin causing drama time!

Today, my daughter got mad at me for saying I didn't really get the appeal of Kpop. She went off at me, saying that I should "stan BTS" or something to that effect. She's 28. FML

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Top comments

By mysadlyfe | 9

#6005509 - Saturday 12 July 2014 3:37

I lost it at "my asshole went numb" sorry op!! sounds embarassing!

By ForFudgeSake | 6

#6005510 - Saturday 12 July 2014 3:37

You should have gone somewhere farter away.

COMMENTS

By sarneeley | 14

#6005506 - Saturday 12 July 2014 3:34

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

Uglyfeet | 23

#6005518 - Saturday 12 July 2014 3:43

She didn't assume anything, she was having an insane gastric distress.

Reply

Vagitarian1 | 10

#6005746 - Saturday 12 July 2014 7:33

I think I just found the woman of my dreams. IM me baby!

Reply

kenyrabit | 25

#6559546 - Tuesday 15 March 2016 6:12

PS. I vote that it's not a big enough deal to survey for neighbors when it's time to fart in your own backyard.

By mysadlyfe | 9

#6005509 - Saturday 12 July 2014 3:37

I lost it at "my asshole went numb" sorry op!! sounds embarassing!

Reply

Capt_Obvious | 11

#6006266 - Sunday 13 July 2014 0:10

Yeah, I stopped and reread that like five times before I got to finish this one.

By ForFudgeSake | 6

#6005510 - Saturday 12 July 2014 3:37

You should have gone somewhere farter away.

Reply

Uglyfeet | 23

#6005515 - Saturday 12 July 2014 3:41

So much better than "stinky situation" puns... :D

Reply

MrConcise | 34

#6005531 - Saturday 12 July 2014 3:59

You don't have to be so anally against repeat pun usage. They may fall flatulent, but that's what the bury--I mean, thumbs down button is for.

Reply

tpm45 | 25

#6005665 - Saturday 12 July 2014 5:55

#18, thank you so much for reminding me to dislike your comment... I might have forgotten otherwise.

Reply

Katie_9078 | 8

#6005727 - Saturday 12 July 2014 6:57

Aha nice one.

Reply

MrConcise | 34

#6006218 - Saturday 12 July 2014 22:48

@42 - That's fine, it's just that pointing out overused puns like "shitty situation" is more annoying than the puns themselves. Plus I wanted to use flatulent. :)

By josebaseball11 | 14

#6005512 - Saturday 12 July 2014 3:37

Your response should have been, "top that." Then walk away.

Reply

False_Stupidity | 41

#6005538 - Saturday 12 July 2014 4:13

But then the neighbors response may well have been "challenge accepted!" and then the fart wars would be on.

Reply

wvni | 13

#6005554 - Saturday 12 July 2014 4:38

#21- I hope the other neighbors won't mind. Or maybe they'll join in...

Reply

imlifeless2 | 25

#6005578 - Saturday 12 July 2014 4:54

28- Call of Flatulence: World at War

Reply

SmoothPancakes | 10

#6005802 - Saturday 12 July 2014 10:44

Just as long as her neighbor isn't Michael Moore.

Reply

kenyrabit | 25

#6559547 - Tuesday 15 March 2016 6:13

"Let's play Battle-shits!"

By seafloam | 9

#6005513 - Saturday 12 July 2014 3:38

Time to move away.

Reply

meladuh | 16

#6005880 - Saturday 12 July 2014 13:40

That escalated quickly

Reply

Godsofdracos | 15

#6005991 - Saturday 12 July 2014 17:13

Seems legit.

By SlipperyNipple | 9

#6005514 - Saturday 12 July 2014 3:39

Hahha that 'just so you know, i totally heard that' cough.

Reply

MoodiQ | 8

#6005972 - Saturday 12 July 2014 16:42

or maybe its the 'what the hell is this terrible smell I cant breathe' cough

By eriksen | 16

#6005517 - Saturday 12 July 2014 3:42

Hey it's not that bad, maybe he didn't even see you and thought it was someone else.

Reply

RedPillSucks | 31

#6005539 - Saturday 12 July 2014 4:14

I'm sure the neighbor knows who lives next door.
Perhaps he can blame it on the dog, or a pet elephant.

Reply

buckstop1 | 37

#6005577 - Saturday 12 July 2014 4:53

When #8 said someone else, I think he was referring to possibly the other neighbors

By whenitdidhappen | 14

#6005519 - Saturday 12 July 2014 3:43

what the hell did you eat???

Reply

KingSplatter | 9

#6005644 - Saturday 12 July 2014 5:45

We must know... cuz I have a war of my own going on at the moment

Reply

s3kShUn47 | 20

#6005666 - Saturday 12 July 2014 5:55

Probably some Taco Bell, that always get's people going crazy on the toilets

Reply

poopoliciouss | 2

#6005682 - Saturday 12 July 2014 6:03

musta ate that beanstalk ;)

Reply

Godsofdracos | 15

#6005992 - Saturday 12 July 2014 17:15

Probably Mickey D's, tasty-ish going in, explosive coming back out.

By dawood_k | 27

#6005520 - Saturday 12 July 2014 3:45

Oh that's a shitty situation.
Embarrassing to the gut

Reply

ryanthecheeseguy | 18

#6005611 - Saturday 12 July 2014 5:33

Jesus Christ we need to ban that comment.

Reply

thatguynamedsky | 32

#6005809 - Saturday 12 July 2014 11:12

I always love it when the picture perfectly reflects the comment

By AllKnowingTurtle | 9

#6005521 - Saturday 12 July 2014 3:45

I think it was because your neighbor was impressed! I mean, a cough? He was left speechless.