Health: Today, while in my backyard, I had some insane gastric distress.... - FML

By soundslikeadumbcommentersituation - Canada - Brampton

Today, while in my backyard, I had some insane gastric distress. I let out a fart so powerful that it made me yelp in pain, and left my asshole numb. A second later, I heard a cough come from over my neighbor's fence. I had to quietly limp back into my house in shame. FML

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This Charming Man

Billy no-mates

Bye Herbie

By dadadoo - United States

Today, while on the bus, I watched a homeless man pop a pimple on his arm and eat it. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, during my dinner break, I was forced to listen to a coworker talk about how he dumped his needy ex for another woman. I'm the ex. We kept our relationship secret from our coworkers. I guess now I know why he dumped me. FML

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By crazycatwaiter - 22/6/2020 23:06

Trip Advisor says no

Today, I was so excited that my favorite local spot reopened, I couldn’t wait to go there for lunch. Unfortunately, my waiter’s shirt was so caked with thick smelly cat hair, it sent me into an immediate allergy attack. Not only did I not get to eat my food, the manager refused to give me a refund. FML

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By rileym797 - United States

Today, my wife took herself, the kids, and extended family members I've never even heard of to New York. She paid the 7,000$ bill with my credit card. FML

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By Millian2 - United States - Plymouth

Today, I learned that when you take off your sweatshirt, it can get stuck in your braces. I was in public. FML

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By Levi2411 - 6/1/2021 11:01

Work is hell

Today, I had to do the job of 3 to 4 people. Spending the first half in the bakery by myself, I then had to run over to the deli and cook everything for the day while helping lines of customers. Why? Because 8 people are on Covid leave. Instead of shutting down the department, welcome to hell. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Arlington

Today, my acne reached a new low. Literally. I'm now getting bright red pimples on my penis. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Boaz

Today, my dad met my boyfriend. It took less than 10 seconds for him to accuse my boyfriend of being a "queer" because his handshake was "too limp". FML

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By getslostinherownhouse - Spain

Today, I was walking down the street and I saw my brother on the other side of the road. He lives overseas and always told me he would visit when I least expected it. When I saw him, I got so excited I jumped on his back, screaming his name. It wasn't my brother. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out how it feels to get your nut-sack caught in a belt buckle. FML

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By teacher - United States - Apo

Today, I started my first teaching job ever. As I was teaching, another teacher interrupted my class about 5 times because she thought it was her class. Not only did she ruin my confidence, her behavior caused my students to laugh at me. FML

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By em - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend came home drunk. As he got home he asked me to marry him, I was going to say yes until he said, "Oh wait, wrong woman." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Greenwood

Today, I went to the local pharmacy to buy some condoms. When I went to go purchase them, the elderly lady behind the counter took one look at me and said, "Honey, you're your own birth control." FML

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By ktorih137 - Canada - Halifax

Today, I was dancing in the passenger seat of my car with my family when a cop pulled us over. He thought I was trying to flag him down for help. I guess I'm not as good of a dancer as I thought. FML

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By teejayrn

Today, I saw my daughter dusting her furniture with the white handkerchief I gave her as a wedding present. It's been in our family for 4 generations. FML

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By Boo Boo - United States

Today, I went to get my blood drawn to see how far along I am pregnant. The lady stuck both my arms twice and then busted a vein in my right arm. She told me to come back tomorrow to try again. FML

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By tryingtohelp

Good samaritan

Today, I heard my downstairs neighbor being beaten by her husband. I anonymously called 911, hoping to help. She must've seen me giving the cops my statement because as soon as they left, she knocked on my door and punched me square in the face while screaming, "Mind your own business bitch!" FML

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By evanescence - United States

Today, the hottest girl in the entire freshman class was telling her friend she was going to Florida for spring break. She said she would be in the same city I would and I couldnt help but say, "Oh, cool! Maybe I'll see you there!" She simply looked at me and said, "I hope not." FML

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By embarassinggg - United Kingdom - Brighton

Today, my mum came to my ballet class. She spent the whole lesson sitting at the back yelling at me to "stop sticking your butt out". My ballet instructor had to ask her several times to pipe down. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Brampton

Moving day

Today, I told to my girlfriend of 5 years that I'm depressed about having no friends, no job and a difficult family life. I told her that she's the one constant that keeps me going. She decided this was a good time to break up with me to "find" herself, since I was being so mopey. FML

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By asthmatic - United States

Today, I used my inhaler for the first time in a year. As soon as I took a puff I felt something strange go down my throat. Upon closer inspection I discovered there had been a spider living in the mouth of my inhaler... and I had just swallowed it. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Glen Allen

Today, I walked into my bathroom, only to find no toilet paper and a piece of shitty wallpaper in the bowl. FML

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By GetFuzzy

Coach Class

Today, I was on the phone with my diet coach. I was telling her how I lost 3 pounds this week. I was saying this while eating a bag of chips, a beer in my hand and cooking a 3-meat pizza. FML

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By hipprep83 - United States

Today, I found a bell that had been tied into the tassel of my ski hat by my twin sister as part of a longstanding prank war between us. I'm deaf and have apparently been jingling like an elf for over a week. FML

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By financially_wreckd

Today, thanks to some asswipe drunk driver fleeing the cops the wrong way down a one-way street, I've now had my third wreck this year. My insurance premium's now higher than Bob Marley in a weed factory. FML

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By oldsoulyoungbody - United States

Today, I realized that my husband and I are at that point in our marriage where "sleeping together" means scooting closer to each other in the bed. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I spent two hours making a cake that I'd promised my class for weeks. I boarded the train to school, but soon dozed off. A few minutes later, I awoke with a start and noticed a chunk of the cake missing and a homeless man next to me with frosting around his mouth. FML

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By exnotwelcome19 - United States

Today, my mom told my abusive ex-boyfriend, whom I broke up with 5 days ago, that he is always welcome at my house. She "misses him". FML

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By superbubbles - 23/3/2021 21:30 - Canada

Barfed out

Today, I threw up in bio when we dissected cow hearts. Guess that rules out my childhood passion as a possible career. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I was chased on my bike by a couple of guys in a car. I rode into a public park to cut through and try to lose them. I looked by to check if they were following me, but they had to stop. I laughed, looked forward, and rammed into a little girl. FML

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By markyvilla - United States

Today, I got dressed up for the first time in days to go have sushi with a friend. When I walked out to my car, I noticed that the passenger window was shattered and the car robbed. What's worse is I'd forgotten to lock the side doors anyway. FML

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By Fauxgeek

Today, my 84-year-old grandmother taught me a keyboard shortcut. FML

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By anonymousyo - United States - Vacaville

Today, I found my son's porn. I would sit him down for a talk, but the genres were so disturbing that I'm afraid to even ask about it. FML

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By ashbeat - Australia - Sydney

Today, I can hear my flatmate masturbating loudly and asking himself if he likes it. And replying. FML

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By katie06 - United States

Today, my dad explained to me the "chain of command" for our house. McKinley, Mom, himself, Charlie, then me. McKinley is my two year old daughter and Charlie is the dog. He was dead serious. FML

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By Storm - Canada

Today, my boyfriend took me on a surprise date to an expensive restaurant. After the meal, he got down on his knee and proposed. We've only been dating for two weeks, so I said no. He just silently kept staring me in the eyes, no matter what I said or did. I ended up having to walk home. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I asked my boyfriend of 7 months to come over on Valentine's Day so I can cook dinner for him. He asked if he could invite his wife over as well. Guess who's newly single right before Valentine's Day! FML

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By Anonymous - 3/8/2020 05:02

Getting no pussy love

Today, since getting the new kitten that only I wanted, it has scratched me and peed on my socks, my side of the bed and my laptop. It loves my husband though, who was against getting a cat at all. FML

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By spiderwoman - United Kingdom

Today, I saw a spider crawling across a poster in my bedroom, so I smacked the spot below it to scare the spider into climbing back up the wall. Instead, because the poster wasn't completely flat to the wall, I catapulted the spider straight into my face. FML

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By f*ck - United States

Today, I had a date with the girl I've been interested in for months. I'm pretty laid-back and casual with my friends, which backfired and caused the date to end with a slap, when I greeted her with a friendly "S'up, slut?" FML

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Top comments

By mysadlyfe | 9

#6005509 - Saturday 12 July 2014 3:37

I lost it at "my asshole went numb" sorry op!! sounds embarassing!

By ForFudgeSake | 6

#6005510 - Saturday 12 July 2014 3:37

You should have gone somewhere farter away.

COMMENTS

By sarneeley | 14

#6005506 - Saturday 12 July 2014 3:34

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

Reply

Uglyfeet | 23

#6005518 - Saturday 12 July 2014 3:43

She didn't assume anything, she was having an insane gastric distress.

Reply

Vagitarian1 | 10

#6005746 - Saturday 12 July 2014 7:33

I think I just found the woman of my dreams. IM me baby!

Reply

kenyrabit | 25

#6559546 - Tuesday 15 March 2016 6:12

PS. I vote that it's not a big enough deal to survey for neighbors when it's time to fart in your own backyard.

By mysadlyfe | 9

#6005509 - Saturday 12 July 2014 3:37

I lost it at "my asshole went numb" sorry op!! sounds embarassing!

Reply

Capt_Obvious | 11

#6006266 - Sunday 13 July 2014 0:10

Yeah, I stopped and reread that like five times before I got to finish this one.

By ForFudgeSake | 6

#6005510 - Saturday 12 July 2014 3:37

You should have gone somewhere farter away.

Reply

Uglyfeet | 23

#6005515 - Saturday 12 July 2014 3:41

So much better than "stinky situation" puns... :D

Reply

MrConcise | 34

#6005531 - Saturday 12 July 2014 3:59

You don't have to be so anally against repeat pun usage. They may fall flatulent, but that's what the bury--I mean, thumbs down button is for.

Reply

tpm45 | 25

#6005665 - Saturday 12 July 2014 5:55

#18, thank you so much for reminding me to dislike your comment... I might have forgotten otherwise.

Reply

Katie_9078 | 8

#6005727 - Saturday 12 July 2014 6:57

Aha nice one.

Reply

MrConcise | 34

#6006218 - Saturday 12 July 2014 22:48

@42 - That's fine, it's just that pointing out overused puns like "shitty situation" is more annoying than the puns themselves. Plus I wanted to use flatulent. :)

By josebaseball11 | 14

#6005512 - Saturday 12 July 2014 3:37

Your response should have been, "top that." Then walk away.

Reply

False_Stupidity | 41

#6005538 - Saturday 12 July 2014 4:13

But then the neighbors response may well have been "challenge accepted!" and then the fart wars would be on.

Reply

wvni | 13

#6005554 - Saturday 12 July 2014 4:38

#21- I hope the other neighbors won't mind. Or maybe they'll join in...

Reply

imlifeless2 | 25

#6005578 - Saturday 12 July 2014 4:54

28- Call of Flatulence: World at War

Reply

SmoothPancakes | 10

#6005802 - Saturday 12 July 2014 10:44

Just as long as her neighbor isn't Michael Moore.

Reply

kenyrabit | 25

#6559547 - Tuesday 15 March 2016 6:13

"Let's play Battle-shits!"

By seafloam | 9

#6005513 - Saturday 12 July 2014 3:38

Time to move away.

Reply

meladuh | 16

#6005880 - Saturday 12 July 2014 13:40

That escalated quickly

Reply

Godsofdracos | 15

#6005991 - Saturday 12 July 2014 17:13

Seems legit.

By SlipperyNipple | 9

#6005514 - Saturday 12 July 2014 3:39

Hahha that 'just so you know, i totally heard that' cough.

Reply

MoodiQ | 8

#6005972 - Saturday 12 July 2014 16:42

or maybe its the 'what the hell is this terrible smell I cant breathe' cough

By eriksen | 16

#6005517 - Saturday 12 July 2014 3:42

Hey it's not that bad, maybe he didn't even see you and thought it was someone else.

Reply

RedPillSucks | 31

#6005539 - Saturday 12 July 2014 4:14

I'm sure the neighbor knows who lives next door.
Perhaps he can blame it on the dog, or a pet elephant.

Reply

buckstop1 | 37

#6005577 - Saturday 12 July 2014 4:53

When #8 said someone else, I think he was referring to possibly the other neighbors

By whenitdidhappen | 14

#6005519 - Saturday 12 July 2014 3:43

what the hell did you eat???

Reply

KingSplatter | 9

#6005644 - Saturday 12 July 2014 5:45

We must know... cuz I have a war of my own going on at the moment

Reply

s3kShUn47 | 20

#6005666 - Saturday 12 July 2014 5:55

Probably some Taco Bell, that always get's people going crazy on the toilets

Reply

poopoliciouss | 2

#6005682 - Saturday 12 July 2014 6:03

musta ate that beanstalk ;)

Reply

Godsofdracos | 15

#6005992 - Saturday 12 July 2014 17:15

Probably Mickey D's, tasty-ish going in, explosive coming back out.

By dawood_k | 27

#6005520 - Saturday 12 July 2014 3:45

Oh that's a shitty situation.
Embarrassing to the gut

Reply

ryanthecheeseguy | 18

#6005611 - Saturday 12 July 2014 5:33

Jesus Christ we need to ban that comment.

Reply

thatguynamedsky | 32

#6005809 - Saturday 12 July 2014 11:12

I always love it when the picture perfectly reflects the comment

By AllKnowingTurtle | 9

#6005521 - Saturday 12 July 2014 3:45

I think it was because your neighbor was impressed! I mean, a cough? He was left speechless.