Today, while in my backyard, I had some insane gastric distress.... - FML

By soundslikeadumbcommentersituation - 11/7/2014 20:34 - Canada - Brampton

Today, while in my backyard, I had some insane gastric distress. I let out a fart so powerful that it made me yelp in pain, and left my asshole numb. A second later, I heard a cough come from over my neighbor's fence. I had to quietly limp back into my house in shame. FML

I agree, your life sucks

45563

You deserved it

6897

Tweet

Share

They're everywhere

Spread the news

Not a cheating!

By seachelle - 7/5/2019 20:00

Today, the guy I've been seeing posted about having relationship problems and arguments with his girl. I've been in the hospital for surgery for the past few days and have been unable to talk to him. Before this, he told me I was the only one. Guess not. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1847

You deserved it

119

Tweet

Share

By Pooperscooper - 20/7/2009 18:45 - France

Today, I learned when you're babysitting a 5 year old, and you hear the toilet flush and then the words "uh oh", it's already too late. FML

I agree, your life sucks

45557

You deserved it

6847

Tweet

Share

By Dee Dee - 22/5/2020 08:00

In these times

Today, my husband and I purchased a new-used truck, after being assured for weeks by the company owner we work for that the company will remain open. Later, we received an email saying that the office is closing permanently. Our jobs are "secure", but he needs help selling and moving the equipment. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1290

You deserved it

120

Tweet

Share

By UhOhhhh - 8/9/2009 17:29 - United States

Today, I woke up, took a shower, made some pasta, drank 3 glasses of water and brushed my teeth. I then left my apartment to see signs posted all over warning us not to use the water without boiling it because the water company just found E-coli in the water. FML

I agree, your life sucks

56756

You deserved it

4281

Tweet

Share

By badadvise - 23/3/2012 04:05 - Mexico - Guadalajara

Today, I found out my marriage counselor is currently going through her second divorce. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27199

You deserved it

2561

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 28/5/2020 05:00

Alexa, play "Living Doll" by Cliff Richard

Today, my boyfriend dumped me out of nowhere, supposedly because I act like he's nothing but a sex doll. We've been dating 6 weeks and have had sex twice. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1566

You deserved it

165

Tweet

Share

By I am not amused! - 3/11/2013 22:53 - United Kingdom - Andover

Today, I had the pleasure of driving in central London for the first time, to recover my drunk husband from his own brilliance, puking on the feet of Winston Churchill's statue in Parliament Square. At 4 am. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41417

You deserved it

3617

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 19/9/2011 14:39 - United States

Today, I got kicked in the crotch. It popped my cherry. I lost my virginity to a shoe. FML

I agree, your life sucks

62356

You deserved it

6117

Tweet

Share

By thanksmom - 9/1/2013 19:57 - United States - Tucson

Today, I took my boyfriend to meet my parents. As he was loading his truck, I went inside to take a surreptitious shit. I ended up clogging the toilet, and so the first thing my mom said to my boyfriend was, "You'll have to find another bathroom; she just clogged it all up." FML

I agree, your life sucks

33516

You deserved it

7737

Tweet

Share

By itsgonnabealongnight... - 3/9/2011 20:52 - United States

Today, I was at my grandparents' house, when the power went out. Even though we were supplied with candles and flashlights, we still had to stumble around in the darkness. They'd left both the candles and flashlights in the pitch black, unnavigable basement. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24278

You deserved it

3028

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 1/2/2011 13:43 - United States

Today, I was startled awake at 4am by a loud and awful sound. Completely serious, I asked my fiancé if he had just shit his pants. His response: giggles followed by a softly whispered "maybe". FML

I agree, your life sucks

42009

You deserved it

5308

Tweet

Share

By BlueSteele220 - 22/3/2016 08:57 - United States - Coppell

Today, my family got mad at me for eloping and not inviting them to my wedding. Even though they admitted they wouldn't have gone anyway. FML

I agree, your life sucks

21408

You deserved it

1915

Tweet

Share

By hungryman - 14/7/2009 21:10 - Canada

Today, my girlfriend's mom pulled me aside and started telling me about how her daughter was extremely depressed and suicidal before she met me, and how happy her family is because of me. I was planning on breaking up with her within the next week. FML

I agree, your life sucks

54493

You deserved it

9077

Tweet

Share

By fuckshit - 4/11/2014 14:01

Today, I witnessed a hit-and-run. I used my phone to write down the license plate for the police. However, I didn't notice that my phone had autocorrected the number. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39282

You deserved it

4564

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 2/8/2015 05:19 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my boyfriend told me my vagina is "as clean as a dog's mouth." I'm not sure if that supposed to be a compliment or not. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27574

You deserved it

3473

Tweet

Share

By ditched - 17/8/2009 19:49 - Canada

Today, I went to the movies with my boyfriend. We went inside the theatre and he saw a couple of his friends. Instead of saying hi and coming back to watch the movie with me, he ditched me for them. When I reminded him he was forgetting something, he grabbed the popcorn out of my hands and left. FML

I agree, your life sucks

58908

You deserved it

6097

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 26/9/2011 18:20 - United States

Mixing it up

Today, I woke up next to my boss naked. We are both women and she is married. Work should be interesting tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23747

You deserved it

48671

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 2/10/2011 11:51 - United States

Today, on my way to work I swerved to avoid hitting a dead animal. Too bad I ended up hitting a live one instead. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31841

You deserved it

8969

Tweet

Share

By IHateGroupProjects - 25/4/2012 13:25 - United States - Riverdale

Today, I've now received my 73rd email in two days about my masters group project on policy recommendations for security reform. One group member has helpfully rewritten everything, and our project is now titled "Zeus's Earthly Kingdom." It's due today. FML

I agree, your life sucks

21278

You deserved it

2804

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 13/8/2013 02:54 - United States - Denver

Today, I received a phone call that started with, "Now stay calm... Your house is on fire." FML

I agree, your life sucks

51662

You deserved it

2843

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 16/8/2013 21:05 - United States - Nevada

Today, I gave my daughter the sex talk. Barely 10 minutes later, her public Facebook status read: "My mom's a total pedo." and after she mentioned the talk, her friend posted, "That's sexual harassment. You can sue for that." Clearly I've failed as a parent. FML

I agree, your life sucks

57073

You deserved it

6271

Tweet

Share

By indian:( - 18/1/2009 21:57 - United States

Today, I realized that I hate lying to my mom about having a boyfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks

8963

You deserved it

32973

Tweet

Share

By thebeachisthatway - 22/10/2012 18:56 - United States - Worcester

Today, my son got expelled after using the photocopier to photocopy his penis. He then used the copies to replace every directional arrow posted throughout the school. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36096

You deserved it

5237

Tweet

Share

By awkward - 27/2/2011 12:39 - Finland

Today, my mom got me a job working for the man she's cheating on my dad with. My dad doesn't know that she's cheating, and my mom doesn't know that I know. It's just awkward. FML

I agree, your life sucks

52618

You deserved it

4038

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 21/7/2014 22:49 - United States - Dublin

Today, I had to take my cat to the vet. On the way there, he managed to get out of his cage, climb into the front seat, onto my chest, and howl in my face as I tried to drive down the highway. I ended up with stitches and still got charged for missing my cat's appointment. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43481

You deserved it

5862

Tweet

Share

By worstfatherever - 10/7/2011 20:54 - United States

Today, I came home after having traveled abroad for the last two months. Before I left, I'd asked my dad to take care of my fish, and he promised they'd be safe with him. I found them all decomposing. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33924

You deserved it

3662

Tweet

Share

By darianvilla - 22/7/2016 23:35 - United States - College Park

Today, I was happy because my co-worker was almost about to get fired due to his lazy habits. It was all going so well. Then I accidentally put my biggest sale yet under his name. FML

I agree, your life sucks

8932

You deserved it

16678

Tweet

Share

By feelgood - 29/7/2013 05:08 - United States

Today, I woke up on the last day of my vacation at the beach to find that my dog had chewed a hole in the wall of my rented house, 2 hours before the owner arrived to check for any damage. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44451

You deserved it

6730

Tweet

Share

By soawkward - 26/1/2012 19:09 - Canada

Today, I passed out in the shower with my boyfriend. He just left me there. FML

I agree, your life sucks

32906

You deserved it

5122

Tweet

Share

By radioactiveglowinthedarkthing - 10/10/2011 19:06 - United Kingdom

Today, I took my friend with me for a radiology scan. While I was getting injections, my friend muttered, "On the bright side, if you die, you'll glow in the dark at the funeral." FML

I agree, your life sucks

28073

You deserved it

3564

Tweet

Share

By Sabrina - 3/9/2019 04:00 - Australia - Canberra

Move on, dude

Today, looking on the internet, I came across my ex's Facebook page. Most of the posts were about me, and his profile picture was still of me and him. We broke up over a year ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1582

You deserved it

157

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 5/5/2009 21:42 - Canada

Today, I pissed my younger brother off. Seemingly unrelated to this was the fact that I left my laptop on in my room along with MSN signed into my email adress. Now, all my contacts know that I apparently "just love the warm feeling of semen sliding down my throat". FML

I agree, your life sucks

48698

You deserved it

32857

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 15/1/2016 04:51 - United States - Burbank

Today, I was going to have sex with my boyfriend for the first time. He couldn't get hard and pouted about it for nearly two hours. When I went to comfort him, he said "Man, I hope I'm not gay." FML

I agree, your life sucks

28202

You deserved it

2430

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 24/4/2009 04:38 - United States

Today, I went to the mall with a couple of friends. While walking through the parking lot, we saw a very dirty car. You couldn't even see the inside of the car through the windows. I thought it would be funny to trace on the window, "Wash Me." After doing so, the driver got out of the car. FML

I agree, your life sucks

10818

You deserved it

65270

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 5/9/2013 06:47 - United Kingdom - Warrington

Today, I finally got up the courage to talk to my four-year boyfriend about how insecure I've been feeling in our relationship recently, and how I needed his support while I try to get my self-esteem back on-track. He fell asleep mid-conversation. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41891

You deserved it

5230

Tweet

Share

By Ugh - 12/7/2019 04:00

Today, I was on the bus. I have a phobia of babies crying, and recently, whenever I've been on a long journey, there's been one and I've had an anxiety attack. There were no babies on this bus, just an old lady showing her friend videos of her screaming grandchild. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1473

You deserved it

424

Tweet

Share

By not even a sexy bushfire - 25/10/2012 16:27 - Australia - Kelmscott

Today, my boyfriend and I went on a romantic date to a botanical garden in the hills. A giant bushfire erupted in the hills on our way, meaning we're now stuck out here because the roads are closed. So romantic. FML

I agree, your life sucks

20690

You deserved it

2446

Tweet

Share

By ouharguohargssdf - 28/9/2013 21:01 - United States - Fort Wayne

Today, my wife made me go with her to dinner with her parents, despite their long-standing hatred of me. Later on, my mother-in-law muttered to me, "I made yours special for ya", smirked, then made a show of scratching at her butt-crack. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41286

You deserved it

2876

Tweet

Share

By scatter00x - 8/2/2009 05:39 - United States

Today, I woke up around 5am from a party I had last night, still quite drunk. This chick was lying next to me from the night before. I kissed her, and about a minute and a half into some heavy making out, she opened her eyes and said, "Oh, it's you." Then got up and walked out. FML

I agree, your life sucks

35982

You deserved it

7031

Tweet

Share

By somefamily - 26/4/2012 07:11 - United States - Wayne

Today, I found out that I've been calling my boyfriend's dad by the wrong name for the past two years. No one had told me sooner because they liked laughing at me for it when I wasn't around. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26931

You deserved it

4358

Tweet

Share

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By mysadlyfe | 9

#6005509 - Saturday 12 July 2014 3:37

I lost it at "my asshole went numb" sorry op!! sounds embarassing!

By ForFudgeSake | 6

#6005510 - Saturday 12 July 2014 3:37

You should have gone somewhere farter away.

COMMENTS

By sarneeley | 14

#6005506 - Saturday 12 July 2014 3:34

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

Uglyfeet | 23

#6005518 - Saturday 12 July 2014 3:43

She didn't assume anything, she was having an insane gastric distress.

Reply

Vagitarian1 | 10

#6005746 - Saturday 12 July 2014 7:33

I think I just found the woman of my dreams. IM me baby!

Reply

kenyrabit | 25

#6559546 - Tuesday 15 March 2016 6:12

PS. I vote that it's not a big enough deal to survey for neighbors when it's time to fart in your own backyard.

By mysadlyfe | 9

#6005509 - Saturday 12 July 2014 3:37

I lost it at "my asshole went numb" sorry op!! sounds embarassing!

Reply

Capt_Obvious | 11

#6006266 - Sunday 13 July 2014 0:10

Yeah, I stopped and reread that like five times before I got to finish this one.

By ForFudgeSake | 6

#6005510 - Saturday 12 July 2014 3:37

You should have gone somewhere farter away.

Reply

Uglyfeet | 23

#6005515 - Saturday 12 July 2014 3:41

So much better than "stinky situation" puns... :D

Reply

MrConcise | 34

#6005531 - Saturday 12 July 2014 3:59

You don't have to be so anally against repeat pun usage. They may fall flatulent, but that's what the bury--I mean, thumbs down button is for.

Reply

tpm45 | 25

#6005665 - Saturday 12 July 2014 5:55

#18, thank you so much for reminding me to dislike your comment... I might have forgotten otherwise.

Reply

Katie_9078 | 8

#6005727 - Saturday 12 July 2014 6:57

Aha nice one.

Reply

MrConcise | 34

#6006218 - Saturday 12 July 2014 22:48

@42 - That's fine, it's just that pointing out overused puns like "shitty situation" is more annoying than the puns themselves. Plus I wanted to use flatulent. :)

By josebaseball11 | 14

#6005512 - Saturday 12 July 2014 3:37

Your response should have been, "top that." Then walk away.

Reply

False_Stupidity | 41

#6005538 - Saturday 12 July 2014 4:13

But then the neighbors response may well have been "challenge accepted!" and then the fart wars would be on.

Reply

wvni | 13

#6005554 - Saturday 12 July 2014 4:38

#21- I hope the other neighbors won't mind. Or maybe they'll join in...

Reply

imlifeless2 | 25

#6005578 - Saturday 12 July 2014 4:54

28- Call of Flatulence: World at War

Reply

SmoothPancakes | 10

#6005802 - Saturday 12 July 2014 10:44

Just as long as her neighbor isn't Michael Moore.

Reply

kenyrabit | 25

#6559547 - Tuesday 15 March 2016 6:13

"Let's play Battle-shits!"

By seafloam | 9

#6005513 - Saturday 12 July 2014 3:38

Time to move away.

Reply

meladuh | 16

#6005880 - Saturday 12 July 2014 13:40

That escalated quickly

Reply

Godsofdracos | 15

#6005991 - Saturday 12 July 2014 17:13

Seems legit.

By SlipperyNipple | 9

#6005514 - Saturday 12 July 2014 3:39

Hahha that 'just so you know, i totally heard that' cough.

Reply

MoodiQ | 8

#6005972 - Saturday 12 July 2014 16:42

or maybe its the 'what the hell is this terrible smell I cant breathe' cough

By eriksen | 16

#6005517 - Saturday 12 July 2014 3:42

Hey it's not that bad, maybe he didn't even see you and thought it was someone else.

Reply

RedPillSucks | 31

#6005539 - Saturday 12 July 2014 4:14

I'm sure the neighbor knows who lives next door.
Perhaps he can blame it on the dog, or a pet elephant.

Reply

buckstop1 | 37

#6005577 - Saturday 12 July 2014 4:53

When #8 said someone else, I think he was referring to possibly the other neighbors

By whenitdidhappen | 14

#6005519 - Saturday 12 July 2014 3:43

what the hell did you eat???

Reply

KingSplatter | 9

#6005644 - Saturday 12 July 2014 5:45

We must know... cuz I have a war of my own going on at the moment

Reply

s3kShUn47 | 20

#6005666 - Saturday 12 July 2014 5:55

Probably some Taco Bell, that always get's people going crazy on the toilets

Reply

poopoliciouss | 2

#6005682 - Saturday 12 July 2014 6:03

musta ate that beanstalk ;)

Reply

Godsofdracos | 15

#6005992 - Saturday 12 July 2014 17:15

Probably Mickey D's, tasty-ish going in, explosive coming back out.

By dawood_k | 27

#6005520 - Saturday 12 July 2014 3:45

Oh that's a shitty situation.
Embarrassing to the gut

Reply

ryanthecheeseguy | 18

#6005611 - Saturday 12 July 2014 5:33

Jesus Christ we need to ban that comment.

Reply

thatguynamedsky | 32

#6005809 - Saturday 12 July 2014 11:12

I always love it when the picture perfectly reflects the comment

By AllKnowingTurtle | 9

#6005521 - Saturday 12 July 2014 3:45

I think it was because your neighbor was impressed! I mean, a cough? He was left speechless.