Today, while I was waiting for the train, a woman sat next to... - FML

By Anonymous - 3/8/2014 17:36 - Sweden - Kristianstad

Today, while I was waiting for the train, a woman sat next to me. Her dog jumped up between us and I started petting it. She took this to mean we were now close enough for her to tell me in detail about her experience so far going through the menopause. FML

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Race against the clock

That'll be Kevin in accounting

Not a cheating!

By Anonymous - 13/9/2012 17:46 - United Kingdom

Today, on our first holiday together, my boyfriend decided to spend his time reminiscing about having come here once with his ex. He then decided to go type up an email to her about it. FML

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By Ben - 21/8/2009 21:28 - United States

Today, my 6 year old daughter somehow learned about sex. She also had the open house at her school where she meets her new teachers. When the teacher asked where she came from, she said, "My daddy's happy sacks." FML

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By bubblebuttfuckfart - 13/10/2012 17:32 - Ireland

Today, my aunt brought me a birthday present. I quickly figured out that she'd simply returned the jacket I let her borrow two years ago for my brother's graduation party. It reeks of cigarette smoke and alcohol. FML

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By weezel - 31/8/2010 13:13 - South Africa

Today, I took pictures of myself and my girlfriend doing naughty things together on my camera. My mom later asked me if she could borrow the camera for the weekend. Without thinking, I gave her the camera. FML

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By likecomeon - 3/11/2015 03:55 - United States - Glendale

Today, I figured out why my 'best friend' hasn't talked to me in weeks. She assumed an FML post she read was about her. It was posted in 2009. I met her last year. FML

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By Cassie - 2/5/2011 00:21

Today, I took my dog for a walk. He started crapping on someone's lawn, then I noticed that the owner was outside and giving me a death stare. Not knowing what to do, I picked up the crap with my bare hands. The man started laughing at me. FML

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By squidwardpotatoes - 14/11/2009 11:08 - United States

Today, I went to the movies. Not only did the movie end up being awful, but I came to my car to find out someone drew Squidward from "SpongeBob" with large letters spelling "I LIKE POTATOES!" on my windshield. In permanent marker. FML

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By TayRenee - 30/1/2017 14:00 - United States - Rock Hill

Today, while in an ambulance after being in a car wreck, the EMT told me I would need to sign some electronic paperwork. He held it above my head for me to sign and promptly dropped it on my my face, breaking my nose. FML

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By good_job_john - 20/7/2009 15:43 - United States

Today, I was going to propose to my girlfriend on my boat at the lake. As we were looking at the mountains all around us, she playfully pushed me off the side into the water. As I got back on the boat, I realized that not only was my cellphone dead, but the ring had fallen into the deep water. FML

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By WhoaThere - 18/12/2009 05:23 - United States

Today, a cute guy asked for my phone number and I gladly gave it to him. I was feeling really good about myself for getting hit on by the star football player. That was until he called 8 times and left 5 messages. In 2 hours. FML

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By Caeru - 21/6/2011 07:08 - United States

Today, my mother tried to tell me that nicotine is the only substance that ensures weight loss, and that nicotine has been passed down in our family for over 5 generations of heavy smoking relatives. Then she encouraged me to start smoking. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/6/2013 01:44 - United States - Stroudsburg

Today, I was riding a bike when a truck accidentally hit me. The handsome driver came out and asked if I was alright. I said, "I am now" and winked. He said "Eww, no" then immediately ran away and drove his truck around me. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/4/2020 08:00

Poisoned chalice

Today, I inherited a lot of money from a great aunt that I had forgotten about. Her immediate family are all scumbags who were only after her money, so she willed it to me and my mom to say "fuck you" to them from beyond the grave. Now I keep getting threatening phone calls. Thanks auntie. FML

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By kids next door - 18/11/2013 10:14 - United States - Mount Holly

Today, some kids used firecrackers to blow up my mailbox. This is the third time this week. FML

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By Just another Dude - 2/10/2017 13:00

Today, I spilled vanilla yogurt on my pants while eating breakfast, but I forgot to clean it up. It left a very conspicuous white stain on my pants, that was there the entire day. I only noticed it when I looked in the mirror after getting home. FML

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By anonymous - 26/5/2013 12:23 - Australia

Today, I was in bed with my fiancé. After a while of quiet cuddling, I said, "Babe, I have cold feet." He replied with, "Me too. Let's call off the wedding." I was talking about the actual temperature of my feet. Our wedding is tomorrow. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/11/2011 08:16 - United States

Today, my girlfriend of two years broke up with me because her father, who abandoned her before she was born and just reentered her life, doesn't approve. FML

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By Jeezus - 16/2/2016 03:00 - Canada - Saint Albert

Today, after a week of waiting to hear something about my stolen car, I got a letter in the mail saying it had been impounded the same day I reported it stolen, but they don't share a database with the police so they never called. Now the impound wants $900 plus $120 for the tow to release it. FML

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By honeybunny - 19/11/2014 19:04 - United States - Norman

Today, I am 11 weeks pregnant and my husband has taken great glee in the fact that his horrible gas is enough to trigger my morning sickness. We're about to go on a long 12 hour drive. FML

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By ... - 2/10/2012 20:55 - Canada - Airdrie

Today, I fell down the stairs and landed heavily on my foot. Because I wasn't crying, my mom refused to take me to the hospital. It took me an hour of agony to convince her. It turned out to be broken in three different places. FML

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By inder - 25/2/2011 16:03 - United Kingdom

Today, while having sex, I found out that I'm so flexible that when I bend over backwards, the backs of my knees can touch my shoulders. My boyfriend is now extremely jealous and is debating about breaking up with me. Even I don't get it. FML

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By anonymous - 8/3/2010 15:12 - United States

Today, my mother-in-law grounded me because I went to the store in the "dangerous" rain. My husband says that if I don't obey then we won't work out. FML

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By JakeHolmes - 17/11/2009 06:48 - United States

Today, I was in my hot tub with my brand new phone. I set it down and when I grabbed my towel I knocked it into the water. I quickly snatched it up and dried it off with the towel and suprisingly only one button stopped working. It was the unlock button, a perfectly good phone that I can't use. FML

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By you - 30/10/2012 19:46 - United Kingdom

Today, while getting intimate with my girlfriend, she asked me to whisper her name. Apparently, her name is not Kate. FML

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By lolgarbl - 26/2/2009 17:05 - United States

Today, I had a performance evaluation meeting with my boss. He told me I was the best in my department, and that the productivity has never been higher before I started working here. Oh, and he said that because everything is working so well, they don't need me as much, so he's cutting my hours. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/1/2011 09:26 - United States

Today, I acted like I always do when I'm alone in my seemingly sound-proof apartment. I sang loudly, talked back to the TV, used my vibrator. Later, in the silence of the night, I heard my neighbor next door YAWNING. FML

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By Groom - 30/11/2008 10:51 - France

Today, I had an important interview. On the way there, I stopped in front of a car window to look at my reflection, checking I didn't have salad stuck between my teeth. Having pulled several faces, I realised that there were two girls inside the car, cracking up with laughter. FML

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By brokenhearted - 18/2/2010 09:51 - United States

Today, after 25 years of marriage and 2 children, I was served with divorce papers. It turns out my 51 year old, soon to be ex, has been having an affair with the 24 year old tutor I hired to help our daughter bring her grades up. They are in love and want to start a new family together as soon as possible. FML

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By wil - 25/4/2015 17:55 - United States - Nashville

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because "God" told her to. I guess "God" didn't have any problems with me buying dinner first. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/4/2009 23:12 - United States

Today, I found out that because of my high blood pressure I can't have sex for one month. My wedding is next weekend and the following two weeks are my honey moon. FML

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By ananomoose - 15/4/2009 23:30 - United States

Today, I was struggling through an exam and the hot girl next to me seemed to be flying through the questions. So I cheated off her. When we finished I asked her to lunch. She said "No, I just rushed through the exam so I can go fuck my boyfriend." I got shutdown and probably failed an exam. FML

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By Carnage23 - 22/11/2014 10:16 - Germany - Essen

Today, my coworker and I announced that we are spending our holidays together, because we both have kids. My boss announced he is coming with us. FML

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By dumped - 27/10/2009 23:13 - United States

Today, my girlfriend's best friend was dumped, and was absolutely depressed. My girlfriend thought she'd show her sympathy by breaking up with me so they "could be single together." FML

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By ima nerd - 25/12/2010 07:31 - United States

Today, I gave my wife a $900 necklace as a special Christmas gift. She gave me a set of Star Wars pajamas. As it turns out, I was more excited to wear my gift than she was to wear hers. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/1/2016 05:05 - United States - Albuquerque

Today, I found out if a tree falls in the forest and there's nobody around, it does in fact make a sound, and also $5,000 worth of damage to your truck. FML

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By uncomfortable - 12/3/2009 00:20 - Canada

Today, I was watching a movie with my boyfriend and his parents. It got to an intense sex scene. I felt grateful when I saw his father reaching for the remote to fastforward past the scene. He put it into slowmotion. We watched in silence for about 3 minutes before he managed to fix it. FML

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By klanciee - 16/7/2012 02:00 - United States - Valencia

Today, when I woke up, I noticed something crawling on my bed. A white faced wasp was dragging the corpse of a rather large spider. I'm not sure what I was more disturbed about; the fact that the wasp was dragging something twice its size, or that these bugs even live in my house. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/4/2017 02:00

Today, as I was trying to get out of bed, my foot began sliding across the floor. I instinctively tried to balance myself, only for the new angle to cause my right hip to painfully and loudly dislocate, making me fall face-forward into my dresser. Back stuck in bed after three days of freedom. FML

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By ChickenBallsPlease - 28/1/2014 11:16 - United Kingdom - King's Lynn

Today, I was eating at a Chinese restaurant, when I stopped the waitress to tell her that even though I am of Chinese heritage, I can't understand a word of Chinese. After an awkward silence, she told me she was actually speaking English. FML

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By erlad678 - 4/1/2011 02:59

Today, I was woken up by the sound of part of my kitchen ceiling hitting the floor. FML

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Top comments

By allie2590 | 30

#6026956 - Sunday 3 August 2014 23:13

Don't you just love public transport?

By Pandaburr1 | 15

#6026969 - Sunday 3 August 2014 23:19

I think you're OVARY-acting

COMMENTS

By brainymes | 30

#6026954 - Sunday 3 August 2014 23:13

I guess you have a personable appearance? That's a plus!

By allie2590 | 30

#6026956 - Sunday 3 August 2014 23:13

Don't you just love public transport?

By ODST_Panda | 12

#6026960 - Sunday 3 August 2014 23:15

that's awkward as hell

By ghostsoul21 | 12

#6026963 - Sunday 3 August 2014 23:16

Learning something new every single day!

By UNLUCKYyY1037 | 26

#6026966 - Sunday 3 August 2014 23:18

Poor dog!!! At least you got away from her!

Reply

lord_meloetta | 20

#6027189 - Monday 4 August 2014 3:52

What?

By Pandaburr1 | 15

#6026969 - Sunday 3 August 2014 23:19

I think you're OVARY-acting

Reply

Rallred32 | 20

#6026983 - Sunday 3 August 2014 23:30

I'm not sure how to feel about this pun.

Reply

FlyingPie | 17

#6026984 - Sunday 3 August 2014 23:32

#13: I'm not sure how to feel about your reply to this pun.

Reply

Rallred32 | 20

#6026988 - Sunday 3 August 2014 23:37

@14 I don't know how to feel about you not knowing how to feel about how I feel about this pun. And to 15; that was uncalled for.

Reply

MisterEx | 28

#6027225 - Monday 4 August 2014 4:36

#13, #14, #15 - are you guys sure y'all are not going through menopause too?

Reply

tehdarkness | 21

#6028224 - Tuesday 5 August 2014 9:32

Ok, this pun was actually good. Kudos!

By Alexismaria | 15

#6026971 - Sunday 3 August 2014 23:20

"The menopause" lmao

Reply

thevelociraptor | 31

#6027220 - Monday 4 August 2014 4:32

I don't know why you are pointing out menopause... It's spelled correctly.

Reply

BSnapZ | 21

#6027235 - Monday 4 August 2014 4:41

#7 The spelling wasn't the point. The point was the use of the word "the" which made absolutely no sense.

Reply

Alexismaria | 15

#6027246 - Monday 4 August 2014 4:54

You completely missed the point. When you go through menopause, you don't call it "the menopause" just like when you're on your period, you don't call it "the period".

By ComoEsJuan | 24

#6026972 - Sunday 3 August 2014 23:21

Urine for a long ride.

Reply

PotatoPal | 11

#6027279 - Monday 4 August 2014 5:50

...what does menopause have to do with urine?

Reply

crazytwinsmom | 25

#6028152 - Tuesday 5 August 2014 7:16

You have to pee frequently.

Reply

kailarahne | 19

#6031295 - Friday 8 August 2014 20:58

Well, I at least found this funny..

By njgohard | 16

#6026975 - Sunday 3 August 2014 23:23

Were you able to get away from her?

Reply

cakefete2 | 30

#6027018 - Monday 4 August 2014 0:22

Nope. She was over OP's shoulder when this FML was being posted.

By Earths_Venus | 25

#6026976 - Sunday 3 August 2014 23:23

She sounds like she's barking mad.