Transportation: Today, while I was waiting for the train, a woman sat next to... - FML

By Anonymous - Sweden - Kristianstad

Today, while I was waiting for the train, a woman sat next to me. Her dog jumped up between us and I started petting it. She took this to mean we were now close enough for her to tell me in detail about her experience so far going through the menopause. FML

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Instadrama

And today, on Dr Phil…

Lockdown is driving us down

By hero to zero - United States

Today, my girlfriend's ex punched me so hard in the face, I couldn't see straight. But I got up anyway. I lunged at him, and nailed him in the jaw. Turns out I'd in fact just knocked out my girlfriend the on-looker. FML

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By capcha - United States

Today, I was holding a yard sale. A man came up to me and asked if he could buy a pair of red and white sneakers that I'd found in my attic and had never worn. Five bucks later, he was walking away with what I now realize was the pair of shoes signed by Michael Jordan given to me by my uncle. FML

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By sober - United States

Today, I got a text message. It said, "I'm so drunk. What you up to, girl?" It was my dad. FML

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By Nola

Today, I watched my mother pull her pants down and, using her hands, feel her butt crack to check if she'd had had an accident. She then pulled her pants up, went into the kitchen and touched stuff in the refrigerator. FML

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By Disappointed

Today, my brother came up with what he thought was a genius idea for how to make money. I then had to explain to him that insurance fraud is illegal. FML

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By ginny - United States

Today, my boyfriend came in my room dressed as Harry Potter and declared that he was going to put his basilisk into my chamber of secrets. And yes, that was my first time. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had to sell over $400 worth of china at a flea market. I barely got paid enough to refill my gas tank. FML

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By newswithabitofbite - Australia - Richmond

Today, while walking to work, I found out what it feels like to be hit in the face by a rolled up newspaper thrown from the window of a moving car by a paper boy doing his rounds. It hit hard enough to give me a black eye. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I got all four of my wisdom teeth taken out. I happen to be allergic to all types of pain medication. FML

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By Holymoly - Netherlands

Today, I woke up with a hangover and my girlfriend seemed pissed at me. It took me a while before I remembered having sex the night before. I just didn't know exactly what had happened after that had pissed her off. Then I realized nothing happened, because I fell asleep while she was on top of me. FML

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By treegirl - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were cuddling on his couch when suddenly I tried to get up. Before I could stand, he grabs onto me and says, "I'm a koala and you're my eucalyptus tree!" He then continued to latch onto me for a good five minutes pretending to eat my hair. FML

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By superman21 - Ireland

Today, I'm on the last day of my honeymoon in Ireland. My wife and I have an amazing hotel room and a huge bed. She's passed out drunk and if I even touch her, she needs the bucket next to our bed. So much for finishing our week on a "fun" note. FML

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By me - United Kingdom - Chichester

Today, I finally got to meet my boyfriend's parents; it turns out that his mum is my therapist. I've just spent an entire morning telling her how confused I am about my sexuality. FML

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By Soo - 24/12/2020 08:04 - Spain - Archidona

Stop that now

Today, I saw my 4 year-old daughter singing and dancing, so I decided to sing along. As soon as I started singing she said, without blinking her eyes and super calmly, "Could you please stop doing that?" FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was at the grocery store with my five year old son when I had to go to the bathroom. After doing my business and we started walking out of the bathroom, my son loudly announced to the whole store, "Mommy has diarrhea!" FML

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By ihavenothing - United States

Today, my mom told me that she was selling my favorite thing in the world, my trombone. The only thing that I'm good at is the trombone. FML

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By picaru - United States

Today, is the first day of my honeymoon. It has been 6 years since I took a "real" vacation. We have 3 kids and a small house, and now we have 9 days alone in random hotels to do what couples do on their honeymoon without kids... Day one, I got my period 7 days early. FML

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By I wish it was gum

Today, I was in the cinema making out with my girlfriend. I asked her if she could stop trying to pass me her gum because it was kinda gross. She replied "It's not gum, I just have bronchitis." FML

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By Classicmen - United States

Today, is the first weekend I have off this summer. Instead of letting me see my friends, my dad printed out a practice SAT exam. I've already taken the SAT. He just "doesn't want me to get rusty". FML

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By ThatsNotRight - United States

Today, while I was babysitting my nephews, the 7 year old boy walked up to me and asked if I was a lesbian. I laughed it off. An argument ensued about my sexuality for a good two hours. I lost. FML

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By cloud7

Today, after finally dropping my weight from an overweight 200 to a slim 135, my skin is now loose everywhere, and stretches about two inches out on my stomach. FML

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By anonymous - Australia

Today, my Dad's banjo arrived, as part of his mid-life crisis. It would be fine if he could play it but unfortunately he's tone deaf. He hasn't stopped playing it for the last 4 hours. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Maple Ridge

Today, after a day, I finally noticed that the toilet paper I'd been using to wipe my butt is actually a roll of paper towel cut in half. My dad thinks that it's a waste of money to buy proper paper. Guess who had to unclog the toilet twice. FML

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By hahatofunny - United States - Pensacola

Today, while at the gym, I started flirting with a hot doctor. I thought things were going well so I suggested we work out together sometime and maybe work our way up to dinner together, to which she replied, "Sorry but I've seen tumors bigger than your biceps," and then walked out. FML

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By NoPrivacy - United States

Today, my boss overheard me singing, "I need a shit, I need a shit" on my way to the bathroom. FML

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By Pain_intolerant - Canada

Today, I caught my finger in a sliding door. It made me pass out and give myself a concussion. My genetics would rather slam my face into the floor than deal with a pinched finger. FML

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By Itchy Missy - United States - Denver

Today, I got more pleasure from itching the bed bug bites from sleeping over at my boyfriend's house than I got from actually sleeping with him. FML

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By strangebeans - United States

Today, my parents informed that the man I am going to marry made the newspaper, on page twelve. He is listed as a fugitive and there is a warrant out for his arrest. FML

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By Anonymus - Canada - Warkworth

Money first

Today, my "boyfriend" told me that he loves money more than me and would date it if he could. FML

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By juice723 - United States - Marblehead

Today, my friends started calling me "Soberman" because I recently gave up alcohol and have a Doberman. Normally, I wouldn't mind the nickname, but they call me Soberman everywhere. My new boss now thinks it's because I AM an alcoholic. FML

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By MySonThePoet - United States - Racine

Today, I stumbled across one of my son's English assignments. Apparently, he decided to submit a haiku about how electrical outlets are technically "whores" because they hook up with countless cords for a "charge." I don't know whether to be amused or furious. FML

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By knolan - United States

Today, I found out my boyfriend has checked every girl he has ever slept with for 'vagina teeth'. I'm apparently no exception. FML

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By Anon - United States - Southbury

Today, I was racing my friends to the car for shotgun in the parking lot at night. I opened the passenger door of the car to find an old lady staring at me. It was the wrong car. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Akron

Today, as my boyfriend went to go down on me, he felt it necessary to stop at my stomach and clean the lint out of my belly button. 5ML

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By ShootMe

All work and no play makes Jack a dull boy

Today, a high maintenance client informed me that he wants 50+ pages of new content added to his website "now". He doesn't understand that I also have 30+ other clients to write for. I'm wondering if I can charge him for my new anxiety meds. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/1/2021 23:01

Eggs

Today, while eating breakfast with my family, I asked my mother if there was any more scrambled eggs in the skillet because I really felt like having some more. She got mad at me because she thought I'd asked in a sarcastic manner. I wasn't joking. FML

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By Rehab - United States

Today, I was looking through my computer's history to find a website I had visited. I found an online forum where my son was discussing how to inject Oxycontin. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Lititz

Today, I found out that my son has been trying to save enough of his earwax to make a candle. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/10/2020 11:02

The sweet smell of success

Today, my dad decided to make home-made popcorn. He accidentally used old fish oil instead of mazola oil. Now the house reeks of fish and we can't even throw the popcorn out for fear of attracting wild animals. FML

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By Crying

It's toast

Today, I no longer have a toaster. My younger sister put it in the bath because apparently it looked dirty. FML

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Top comments

By allie2590 | 30

#6026956 - Sunday 3 August 2014 23:13

Don't you just love public transport?

By Pandaburr1 | 15

#6026969 - Sunday 3 August 2014 23:19

I think you're OVARY-acting

COMMENTS

By brainymes | 30

#6026954 - Sunday 3 August 2014 23:13

I guess you have a personable appearance? That's a plus!

By allie2590 | 30

#6026956 - Sunday 3 August 2014 23:13

Don't you just love public transport?

By ODST_Panda | 12

#6026960 - Sunday 3 August 2014 23:15

that's awkward as hell

By ghostsoul21 | 12

#6026963 - Sunday 3 August 2014 23:16

Learning something new every single day!

By UNLUCKYyY1037 | 26

#6026966 - Sunday 3 August 2014 23:18

Poor dog!!! At least you got away from her!

Reply

lord_meloetta | 20

#6027189 - Monday 4 August 2014 3:52

What?

By Pandaburr1 | 15

#6026969 - Sunday 3 August 2014 23:19

I think you're OVARY-acting

Reply

Rallred32 | 20

#6026983 - Sunday 3 August 2014 23:30

I'm not sure how to feel about this pun.

Reply

FlyingPie | 17

#6026984 - Sunday 3 August 2014 23:32

#13: I'm not sure how to feel about your reply to this pun.

Reply

Rallred32 | 20

#6026988 - Sunday 3 August 2014 23:37

@14 I don't know how to feel about you not knowing how to feel about how I feel about this pun. And to 15; that was uncalled for.

Reply

MisterEx | 28

#6027225 - Monday 4 August 2014 4:36

#13, #14, #15 - are you guys sure y'all are not going through menopause too?

Reply

tehdarkness | 21

#6028224 - Tuesday 5 August 2014 9:32

Ok, this pun was actually good. Kudos!

By Alexismaria | 15

#6026971 - Sunday 3 August 2014 23:20

"The menopause" lmao

Reply

thevelociraptor | 31

#6027220 - Monday 4 August 2014 4:32

I don't know why you are pointing out menopause... It's spelled correctly.

Reply

BSnapZ | 21

#6027235 - Monday 4 August 2014 4:41

#7 The spelling wasn't the point. The point was the use of the word "the" which made absolutely no sense.

Reply

Alexismaria | 15

#6027246 - Monday 4 August 2014 4:54

You completely missed the point. When you go through menopause, you don't call it "the menopause" just like when you're on your period, you don't call it "the period".

By ComoEsJuan | 24

#6026972 - Sunday 3 August 2014 23:21

Urine for a long ride.

Reply

PotatoPal | 11

#6027279 - Monday 4 August 2014 5:50

...what does menopause have to do with urine?

Reply

crazytwinsmom | 25

#6028152 - Tuesday 5 August 2014 7:16

You have to pee frequently.

Reply

kailarahne | 19

#6031295 - Friday 8 August 2014 20:58

Well, I at least found this funny..

By njgohard | 16

#6026975 - Sunday 3 August 2014 23:23

Were you able to get away from her?

Reply

cakefete2 | 30

#6027018 - Monday 4 August 2014 0:22

Nope. She was over OP's shoulder when this FML was being posted.

By Earths_Venus | 25

#6026976 - Sunday 3 August 2014 23:23

She sounds like she's barking mad.