Transportation: Today, while I was waiting for the train, a woman sat next to... - FML

By Anonymous - Sweden - Kristianstad

Today, while I was waiting for the train, a woman sat next to me. Her dog jumped up between us and I started petting it. She took this to mean we were now close enough for her to tell me in detail about her experience so far going through the menopause. FML

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Dementia or hate? You decide

Coherence dude, do you have it?

Finishing touch

By Aliiiice - France - Offranville

Today, I started doing it again. I'd given up for years, but when I saw the pack I just couldn't help myself. One taste was enough to make me finish off the whole pack. Nobody knows that I've fallen off the wagon and I'm so ashamed of myself. Today, I began eating my cat's biscuits again. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Venus

He who smelled it…

Today, my boss let me sit in on a board meeting. It was awesome until the guy next to me let out a vile fart, then looked at me in disgust, causing the others to look at me in disgust too. When I told my boss what really happened, he told me to grow up and stop blaming the other guy. FML

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By Mac - France

Today, I was called by my son's school. They said he'd been forging my signature and comments in his reading book. He didn't forge them. I don't know what's worse: my handwriting looking like a 6 year old's, or being too cowardly to admit it. He has a week of lunch detention, but I still have my dignity. FML

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By TheHeirofTime - United States - Marlborough

Today, I had to cancel an appointment due to diarrhea. I was so nervous that when the receptionist asked why, I told her, "I can't stop shitting." FML

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By muffins - United States - Potomac

Today, while working my shift at the grocery store, we ran out of muffins. I'm a little overweight, and I guess that's the reason an irate customer accused me of eating all of them. FML

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By IHopeYourDogsGetDiarrheaAndPoopOnYourBed - Mauritius

Today, I heard someone calling my name. It was my neighbor. Turns out they named their dogs after my mother, my sister and me. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I searched for free parking near my work for 30 minutes, trying to avoid paying $12 at a pay lot. I scored a spot, but 1 mile away from the office. I trekked through rain, cold, and got to work late. It was a long hard day, crawled back to my car, and had a $30 ticket on my windshield. FML

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By iLikeMyLegs - Canada - Oshawa

Today, I was rushed to the ER due to a very swollen foot and high fever. The doctors said I just have a tissue infection but my parents believe I have a flesh eating disease. I can hear them discussing my future with an amputated leg. FML

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By Cashier - Canada

Today, I was at work as a grocery store cashier. I felt a hand slap my ass. Turning around I saw an old man winking at me and I screamed. When my manager came to deal with the problem she didn't believe me and gave the man a $25 gift card for 'the trouble' I caused. FML

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By Chris - United States - Lakewood

Today, my ex-girlfriend was supposed to pick up her things. I decided to take a nap. Thirty minutes later, I woke up with two police officers hammering on my door. They'd come to get my ex-girlfriend's things and said they were "watching me." That's the last time I date a cop's daughter. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I had gotten home from dropping my boyfriend off when my dad said "your phones been buzzing". I had a text saying "you're grounded," from my Dad. My Alarm saying 'Birth Control Pill' had been going off for a half hour while I was gone. FML

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By Anonymous

Whistleblower

Today, my boss held a meeting to talk about how we can't overlook others and no one should pick favorites. I walked out unemployed when I pointed out that she completely ignored the person who made the biggest sale in company history and constantly gave her son raises for mediocre work. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went to a movie with a girl I went to high school with. There was a preview for an upcoming 3D movie. I asked her if she had ever seen a 3D movie before. She told me she couldn't because she is blind in one eye. Apparently it's a "sensitive subject." FML

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By cumhole - Canada - Toronto

Today, after great sex with my boyfriend, I lay in my bed while he went to get a drink from downstairs. Hearing someone come up, I shouted out as a joke, "Damn babe, I'm covered in cum, was there a hole you didn't fill?" It wasn't my boyfriend, it was my dad. FML

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By swervelol

Today, as well as for the past two weeks, my brother has been making up songs about farts and singing them non-stop. He's 26. FML

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By maalmawr - United States - Dearborn

Today, a friend asked me to help him get rid of a girl who would't stop texting him. It worked perfectly. Now she's texting me nonstop. FML

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By woahitbechels - United States

Today, I dreamed that I was kidnapped by Charlie Sheen. FML

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By Jack Shart Jr. - United States

Today, I'm so out of shape that I got winded from getting out of bed. FML

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By me_the_maniak - India

Today, my parents want me to become a lawyer, all because our family members keep getting into feuds and court cases. I'm a successful developer, and run my own company. FML

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By kermudgen - United States

Today, I was directing a video shoot of a big Christmas show with 750 people attending. After the first half of the show recorded; during intermission, I accidentally deleted the show as people were signing up to buy the DVD. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Rockford

Today, my car broke down. The good news is I can afford to have it fixed. The bad news is paying for the fix will wipe out my savings, which I need to get certified for a non-minimum-wage job. FML

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By HylianFox - United States

Today, my parents had a long discussion on whether a cut on my arm looked like a vagina. FML

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By Sodge - Australia

Today, I was impressing dinner guests by spinning my new baby in the air (something she loves), when she projectile vomited over the dinner table and the guests. My wife, who had spent three hours cooking was not impressed. Once of the guests was also a sympathy spewer. FML

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By kinky pinky - 2/9/2020 05:02 - United States

Lowkey

Today, my husband threw a fit because I dyed my hair bright magenta. Funny, I actually dyed it three days ago. He literally just noticed. Shows how much attention he pays me. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/10/2020 14:02 - Singapore - Singapore

No Gods, No Masters

Today, it's been 3 weeks of being sick with gastritis and constantly feeling pain and weak. I've been pushing myself to work, and despite doing 150+ files, my boss said it’s not good enough for the company and hinted I might be let go. I got my job during the pandemic and might be losing it after 3 months. FML

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By Fubar0906 - United States

Today, I'm on vacation. I spent $4000 to surprise my boyfriend on a trip to Hawaii. We have been together over a year. Turns out, he hates the outdoors. He's mad at me for bringing him here and is upset at everything. He's in the room reading, I'm at the bar drinking $10 Mai Tai's. FML

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By Bridget Jones? - United Kingdom - Wolverhampton

Today, I found out that my family has a bet on how long I will be single for. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/7/2020 02:00

Goldfinger

Today, I found out my boyfriend doesn’t think it’s important to wipe after he poops. FML

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By vw - United States

Today, I was talking to my grandpa while he was gardening outside. Suddenly I feel this hard, salty thing fly into my mouth and I spit it out. It turned out to be a beetle. My grandpa takes one look at the beetle and says, "Well, at least that poor bug finally got you to shut up." FML

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By notacaveman - Netherlands

Today, my girlfriend confessed that she had drunkenly slept with another guy last night. Since she seemed genuinely upset, and had confessed right away, I decided to forgive her the slip-up. She then angrily broke up with me, because "if I really loved her, I would've been more angry." FML

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By anonymous - Australia

Today, I was making out with my boyfriend. He suddenly pulls away, and goes, 'OMNOMNOMNOM' then continues kissing me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was at my friend's house. We were looking at her dad's guns, and I was explaining gun safety and how you should never put your finger on the trigger. I then shot a hole in the floor of her house. FML

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By Rai - Canada

Today, I got up extra early to curl my hair because I wanted to look nice at school for a change. After coming downstairs my mom yells at me and says, "See, when you don't wake up on time your hair looks like that. You could have atleast combed it!" FML

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By Jess - United States - Modesto

Today, in a desperate attempt to add some variety to my life, I resorted to closing my eyes and picking a random font for my essay paper. FML

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By cantstopfeelingit

Gross!

Today, my roommate moved out. When I went into his room, I found a few things he forgot. Specifically, his beer bottle filled with nail clippings. I emptied it onto my hand before I realized what it was. FML

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By SadDaenerys

Today, my boyfriend of two years broke up with me because I finished the Game of Thrones books before he could finish the TV show. FML

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By Anonymous - Ireland - Galway

Today, while clearing stuff out of the basement, I found my ex-wife's old electronic diary device from the '90s. I found the charger, powered it up, and had soon read all about out she'd been cheating on me for almost half our marriage with the guy she's now married to. FML

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By hawkwardd - Australia

Today, my workplace was having a "prices are down" promotion. I had to wear a badge that said, "Down and staying down" all day, opening myself up to a lot of weirdos winking at me or saying, "Oh yeah, I bet you are". FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, it was my dad's birthday. As a joke, I got him one of those big erasers that say, "FOR BIG MISTAKES." He opened it, tried to erase me with it, then said, "It doesn't work." and left. FML

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By jellyybean - United States

Today, I asked my boyfriend why he didn't believe in marriage. His response was, "I believe in marriage. Just not marriage with you." FML

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Top comments

By allie2590 | 30

#6026956 - Sunday 3 August 2014 23:13

Don't you just love public transport?

By Pandaburr1 | 15

#6026969 - Sunday 3 August 2014 23:19

I think you're OVARY-acting

COMMENTS

By brainymes | 30

#6026954 - Sunday 3 August 2014 23:13

I guess you have a personable appearance? That's a plus!

By allie2590 | 30

#6026956 - Sunday 3 August 2014 23:13

Don't you just love public transport?

By ODST_Panda | 12

#6026960 - Sunday 3 August 2014 23:15

that's awkward as hell

By ghostsoul21 | 12

#6026963 - Sunday 3 August 2014 23:16

Learning something new every single day!

By UNLUCKYyY1037 | 26

#6026966 - Sunday 3 August 2014 23:18

Poor dog!!! At least you got away from her!

Reply

lord_meloetta | 20

#6027189 - Monday 4 August 2014 3:52

What?

By Pandaburr1 | 15

#6026969 - Sunday 3 August 2014 23:19

I think you're OVARY-acting

Reply

Rallred32 | 20

#6026983 - Sunday 3 August 2014 23:30

I'm not sure how to feel about this pun.

Reply

FlyingPie | 17

#6026984 - Sunday 3 August 2014 23:32

#13: I'm not sure how to feel about your reply to this pun.

Reply

Rallred32 | 20

#6026988 - Sunday 3 August 2014 23:37

@14 I don't know how to feel about you not knowing how to feel about how I feel about this pun. And to 15; that was uncalled for.

Reply

MisterEx | 28

#6027225 - Monday 4 August 2014 4:36

#13, #14, #15 - are you guys sure y'all are not going through menopause too?

Reply

tehdarkness | 21

#6028224 - Tuesday 5 August 2014 9:32

Ok, this pun was actually good. Kudos!

By Alexismaria | 15

#6026971 - Sunday 3 August 2014 23:20

"The menopause" lmao

Reply

thevelociraptor | 31

#6027220 - Monday 4 August 2014 4:32

I don't know why you are pointing out menopause... It's spelled correctly.

Reply

BSnapZ | 21

#6027235 - Monday 4 August 2014 4:41

#7 The spelling wasn't the point. The point was the use of the word "the" which made absolutely no sense.

Reply

Alexismaria | 15

#6027246 - Monday 4 August 2014 4:54

You completely missed the point. When you go through menopause, you don't call it "the menopause" just like when you're on your period, you don't call it "the period".

By ComoEsJuan | 24

#6026972 - Sunday 3 August 2014 23:21

Urine for a long ride.

Reply

PotatoPal | 11

#6027279 - Monday 4 August 2014 5:50

...what does menopause have to do with urine?

Reply

crazytwinsmom | 25

#6028152 - Tuesday 5 August 2014 7:16

You have to pee frequently.

Reply

kailarahne | 19

#6031295 - Friday 8 August 2014 20:58

Well, I at least found this funny..

By njgohard | 16

#6026975 - Sunday 3 August 2014 23:23

Were you able to get away from her?

Reply

cakefete2 | 30

#6027018 - Monday 4 August 2014 0:22

Nope. She was over OP's shoulder when this FML was being posted.

By Earths_Venus | 25

#6026976 - Sunday 3 August 2014 23:23

She sounds like she's barking mad.