Today, while giving a brief presentation at work, I blanked out...

By Mike - 15/12/2010 11:57

Today, while giving a brief presentation at work, I blanked out on what I was going to say. I tried to make a joke and tell them I'd had a brain fart, but all I managed to say was "I farted". Well, at least they all laughed. FML

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Work

Relationships sink

Alexa, play "Hey! Student" by The Fall

Hello everyone!

By Broeman - 13/9/2009 23:10 - United States

Today, I found some charges on my credit card for two round trip tickets to Las Vegas. Turns out my daughter and her stoner, unemployed boyfriend stole my credit card and flew to Vegas over the weekend to get married. I paid for my daughter's elopement. FML

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By Sleep Deprived - 25/12/2011 05:27 - United States

Today, I was awoken by my wife, once again. It seems that whenever I stop snoring, she thinks I died so she has to wake me to make sure I'm still living. She does this almost every night, every hour. FML

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By notamathematician - 7/3/2010 10:27 - United States

Today, I told my mom I was 3 months pregnant, expecting her to be happy. Instead, she screamed that I was no longer her daughter and she never wanted to see me again before throwing me out of her house, because I got pregnant out of wedlock. Nice math mom. I've been married for 5 months. FML

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By nraecher - 23/3/2013 04:43 - Canada - Ajax

Today, while making love to my boyfriend for the first time, I moaned his name. He freaked out over how I wasn't over my ex, and angrily left. They have the same name. FML

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By neoteck - 8/1/2009 07:55 - France

Today, I was talking to a charming young lady on MSN by webcam. She suddenly asked me to take my glasses off for a minute; I did so, and she said, "Oh never mind, you're still just as ugly..." FML

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By Anonymous - 4/5/2013 21:44 - United Kingdom - Liverpool

Today, my neighbours' whiny emo of a daughter got dumped by her boyfriend. In her infinite wisdom, she's chosen to cope by playing on her recorder the worst rendition of "My Heart Will Go On" that I've ever heard. It's been going on all day. Now I know why he dumped this idiot. FML

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By jend - 23/5/2009 20:20 - United States

Today, I went into work happy about my supervising promotion. When I arrived at work, I realized that only one person had decided to come into work today, which meant I had to clean 15 rooms, and supervise myself. FML

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By punaise ... - 5/12/2014 02:12 - France - Marchaux

Today, to avoid walking on a thumbtack that had fallen on the floor, my little sister took a red sharpie to the carpet and drew a circle around it, "so that way, everyone will see it." FML

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By keep_your_eyes_on_the_sidewalk - 25/6/2018 15:00

Today, a girl with her eyes glued to her phone bumped my arm going in the opposite direction on the sidewalk. She dropped her phone, chased me to the bus stop, and told everyone that I broke it. She threatened to call the police. FML

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By upyours - 22/5/2020 17:00 - Australia

Leech

Today, after telling my boss that trailing a hand up someone's leg and leering at them constantly is counted as sexual harassment, I got called an "unappreciative little whiny bitch." FML

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By sonja_n - 10/10/2019 23:00 - Australia - Kew

Pentaxed

Today, I lost my balance while crossing a creek and fell in. I had my camera on me at the time. It's fried, and I don't have the $2K I need to replace it. FML

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By Paulie89 - 20/10/2019 12:00

Bullshit quack chiropractor on the loose!

Today, I told my family how my wrist has been hurting for almost a week. My aunt’s chiropractor boyfriend then decided he could help by suddenly pulling my hand as hard as he could. Not only did my wrist pop and cause me more pain, but my shoulder got dislocated. FML

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By JustShutUp - 27/7/2016 18:40

Today, my neighbour was singing in the shower so loud that I could understand every word. He was singing "Purple Rain", which wouldn't have been so bad if he only knew a bit more of the lyrics. He has been singing those same two words for half an hour now. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/9/2013 21:40 - United Kingdom

Today, I walked in on my 14-year-old daughter holding a lit lighter to the underside of a spoon, which was full of baking powder. She was trying to breathe in the fumes to get high, and later confessed that she thought it's how heroin is made and used. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/11/2014 13:07 - United States - Watchung

Today, my wife was giving me a blowjob when I foolishly asked her how she got so good at giving them. She looked straight into my eyes and replied, "Practising on about six guys before you." FML

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By Anonymous - 2/10/2015 22:22 - United States - Ashburn

Today, my parents pranked me hard. They spent breakfast messing with my head, all to convince me that I was dreaming. I got so excited at finally having a lucid dream that I ran outside in my pajamas, yelling "Woo-hoo!" and trying to fly. Nothing happened. People saw. FML

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By penpendesrapen - 11/3/2010 00:40 - Philippines

Sink-dodger alert!

Today, I went to the bathroom to take a piss. While washing my hands, I heard someone taking a large dump in one of the stalls. When he was finished, he left the bathroom without washing his hands. Turns out he was the IT guy I called to fix my computer. He sat down on my chair and used my keyboard. FML

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By Iwtumn - 17/3/2015 16:52 - Austria

Today, I came home from a crazy costume party and took a hot shower. When I opened my eyes and saw the water running from my head was bloody, I freaked out and called my friend for help. She had to remind me that for the party, I'd coloured my hair red with washable hair dye. FML

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By MasterWong - 20/6/2018 19:00

Today, I opened my blinds to see the front yard littered with trash. My neighbor's cat ripped our trash bags open and smeared them all over the lawn. Since it was my turn to take out the trash this week, my family decided I would be the one cleaning up too. FML

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By anon - 27/7/2015 04:43 - United States

Today, I tried to wake my boyfriend up to sex. When I went to touch his penis, he elbowed me in the face, mumbled an apology and began snoring again. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/8/2013 14:54 - France

Today, I asked out a guy at work that I really like. He just stared at me and said, "Honestly? I'd rather smash my balls with a mallet. No offense." FML

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By Quackadoodledoo - 24/4/2014 02:21 - United Kingdom - Edgware

Today, I was on the London underground reading a newspaper. A huge guy was sitting next to me and there weren't many other people around. As I turned a page, he leaned into me, glaring, and said, "I'm not finished yet". At the next stop I put down the paper and jumped off. It wasn't even my stop. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/1/2014 01:57 - United States - Philadelphia

Today, it was my first day at my new school. I've never been the new girl before, so I asked my best friend for advice. She said, "Whatever you do, do not, under any circumstances, be yourself." FML

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By GodMemory_AbsentMind - 21/3/2017 18:00

Today, when paying for gas, I realized I'd forgotten my wallet back home. After a moment of panic, I managed to remember my card number. I paid, blowing the cute cashier's mind, and drove away, before my car started sputtering and slowed to a crawl. I'd used the wrong fuel. FML

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By sometingwong - 1/12/2011 20:32 - United States

Today, I had dinner at my girlfriend's house with her parents. Everything was going great, until after dinner when her dad pulled me aside and told me he'd heard us having sex. I was out of town all weekend for a baseball tournament. FML

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By ithappenswhenithappens - 3/7/2017 04:25 - United States - Gresham

Today, I've been in my old hometown visiting because my sister is having her baby. I scheduled the trip a full week after her due date, and still no baby. We tried everything to start her labor. I had to go back home, and as soon as my plane landed, I got a text saying she just gave birth. FML

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By Lisa - 18/7/2014 20:21 - United States - Philadelphia

Today, my boyfriend wanted to take me out on a date. He doesn't have a car, but he said he'd borrow transport from his neighbor. He showed up at my house on a ride-on lawn mower. FML

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By brsoxgirl - 15/7/2011 05:51 - United States

Today, I learned why my boyfriend of 10 months and I never hang out at his place. He still lives at home with his mother. He's 38. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/9/2012 14:43 - United States

Today, my crazy mother-in-law threatened to camp out outside my house so she will "never get left out" of our lives, all because we called instead of sending a written invitation to my three-year-old's birthday party. I actually believe she's crazy enough to do it. FML

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By Aw522 - 30/5/2012 23:07 - United States - Columbia

Today, I was cutting the grass, it was really hot and I fainted. I woke up to see my mom standing over me. I thought she was going to freak out and call an ambulance. Instead she said, "Good, you're up. Now you can finish." FML

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By Ma.Sa.La. - 27/2/2009 15:18 - United States

Today, I was walking through the mall with my boyfriend of a year and a half. There was sign outside of the jewelry store that said, "Engagement Rings-No interest for 12 months." I said, "Look, baby! No interest." He replied, "That's right...NO INTEREST." FML

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By tryingtostealmyheart - 19/12/2015 07:12

Today, a total stranger asked me to marry him while we were waiting for the bus. I turned him down. He then pulled a knife on me, grabbed my purse and ran. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/4/2013 05:39 - United States - Long Beach

Today, at the exact moment that I leaned over to show my dad a picture on my phone, my boyfriend texted me: "I'm no weather man, but you can expect a few inches tonight." FML

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By Jack - 9/8/2016 00:23 - United States - Asheville

Today, my mom said, "I'm sorry your life is such shit." She meant it as an apology. FML

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By shittysituation - 5/1/2015 06:27 - United States - Milpitas

Today, I came back from break to find that my roommate had been shitting in the bathtub for the entire 2 weeks I had been gone. FML

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By meach - 6/8/2011 04:58 - United States

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because of a bad haircut. She was the one who cut my hair. FML

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By Chris - 13/2/2010 05:04 - United States

Today, I put my hamster in his ball, and spent about an hour cleaning his cage. When I came back, I realized he wasn't even alive. FML

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By Tom - 17/8/2011 18:27 - United States

Today, I went to court expecting to walk out a free man. Turns out my misdemeanor offense couldn't compare to the crime I committed when I walked into the court house with a switchblade tucked into my shoe. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/11/2009 04:08 - United States

Today, my water wouldn't go down my shower drain. Confused, I stuck a metal stick expecting hair, but instead stabbed and pulled up a rat that was dead in my drain. FML

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By grubbieduc - 6/10/2011 04:40 - United States

Today, my husband gave my cellphone number to his most obnoxious, creepiest friend. I've been drunken-dialed five times already. FML

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Top comments

By DaemonSadi | 0

#1848172 - Wednesday 15 December 2010 16:05

xD best presentation ever.

By DocBastard | 38

#1848219 - Wednesday 15 December 2010 16:24

The technical name for not being able to think of the correct word is um...uh...

Comments

By DaemonSadi | 0

#1848172 - Wednesday 15 December 2010 16:05

xD best presentation ever.

All_For_Love | 0

#1848214 - Wednesday 15 December 2010 16:21

agreed. this made me smilee

sexybeastsexybea | 0

#1850064 - Thursday 16 December 2010 1:38

I always have those baint farts. hahaha

By MustBeFirst | 0

#1848173 - Wednesday 15 December 2010 16:05

first

By Geoffrx7 | 0

#1848174 - Wednesday 15 December 2010 16:05

at least you didn't shit yourself.

SeasonedLemur | 5

#1848208 - Wednesday 15 December 2010 16:19

Your granny told me you shat the bed on Saturday!

MissLizWolf | 8

#1848282 - Wednesday 15 December 2010 17:19

yeah, it's lucky he didnt have a 'brain shit' haha I kid, I kid!

Timmo_fml | 2

#1848288 - Wednesday 15 December 2010 17:22

Nah mate, I shit on your granny. Gave her a good old Cleveland Steamer. She loved it.

fakeaccountX | 6

#1849916 - Thursday 16 December 2010 0:58

Alabama Hotpockets are the way to go.

By unicornscankill | 0

#1848180 - Wednesday 15 December 2010 16:08

I wish I worked with you.... that would have been so funny.

kellykerplunkksl | 0

#1848212 - Wednesday 15 December 2010 16:21

You're only thirteen...

Zmeilerr | 22

#1848382 - Wednesday 15 December 2010 18:04

imnutsss | 0

#1849019 - Wednesday 15 December 2010 20:47

X8PX | 5

#1849068 - Wednesday 15 December 2010 21:04

^^^

bmexoxo98 | 0

#1849185 - Wednesday 15 December 2010 21:57

3829/$,

EffinAhole | 0

#1851007 - Thursday 16 December 2010 2:11

^^^^

rnett08 | 5

#1851640 - Thursday 16 December 2010 4:30

hahaha wtf for one hes right ur 13 for two is the only thing u thought to write in ur about me when u made it was "mmm i love drawing elephants" haha

By Shadow111 | 0

#1848182 - Wednesday 15 December 2010 16:08

i guess u blanked out

By tnt227 | 4

#1848196 - Wednesday 15 December 2010 16:15

ouch FYL :( I also blank out when speaking publicly

By amerwin | 3

#1848200 - Wednesday 15 December 2010 16:16

There's nothing wrong with a little comedic "relief", even if you weren't aware that it slipped out.

gatorgurl2996 | 6

#3821903 - Monday 2 January 2012 23:17

Haha

By califormula | 0

#1848202 - Wednesday 15 December 2010 16:17

LOL!

By Doortje | 28

#1848203 - Wednesday 15 December 2010 16:17

Get ready for a big promotion!

By unluckybastard18 | 0

#1848207 - Wednesday 15 December 2010 16:18

w/e you do don't picture everyone in their underwear you say something dumber.