Today, while giving a brief presentation at work, I blanked out...

By Mike

Today, while giving a brief presentation at work, I blanked out on what I was going to say. I tried to make a joke and tell them I'd had a brain fart, but all I managed to say was "I farted". Well, at least they all laughed. FML

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Work

Messed up

Emergency haircut

Dicks aplenty!

By Spudzy - Australia - Gold Coast

Today, I tried hitting on the new receptionist at work. After a few flirtatious comments and subtly hinting that I thought she was bangable, she informed me that she's married to our boss. FML

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By englishtrio - United States

Today, after finally giving up on the search for my lost dog, I realized that my neighbors had found her and are convinced that she was a stray. They won't give her up and are now mad at me for trying to take my own dog back. FML

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By just outdone - United States - Turtle Lake

Today, I've been staying with my parents while I have time off from school. They got drunk and started an entire family fight because my dad made pizza and my mom is lactose intolerant. She insists my dad did it on purpose because "he's an asshole and knows I can't eat cheese." FML

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By Zero_TAlent_ - United States - Gettysburg

Today, the drummer from my band stole the $200 deposit for our rental practice space and used it for a trip down to Maryland with his girlfriend. A few hours ago, my brother and I found him passed out in his cousin's house, very hungover. His first words to us were, "Can I borrow 20 bucks?" FML

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By JOTA - 7/10/2020 04:02 - New Zealand

Jonah begs to differ

Today, my girlfriend told me she was worried about being eaten by a whale while out kayaking on our holiday tour. I told her that she was way larger than whale food, and that it wouldn’t be interested in her. Now she is accusing me of trying to tell her "nicely" that she's fat. FML

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By footfood - Slovenia

Today, I witnessed my girlfriend eat the dead skin from the soles of her feet. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/8/2020 05:02

Priorities

Today, my fiancé and I finally had the house to ourselves for the night for the first time in MONTHS, and we don't know when we will get a chance like this again. So, he texts his buddy to play zombies. FML

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By Marteeny

Today, my mom said my boobs are finally getting bigger and that I've finally hit puberty. I'll be celebrating my 31st birthday next week. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I was sick, and decided to work from home. After coding for a few hours, I took a break, and being home alone, I watched porn. A few minutes later, I received messages from my colleagues telling me to shut it down. I had forgotten I was working on teamviewer. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2015

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By Dlpnlvr85 - United States - Elkhart

Today, I woke up to find some really weird stuff in my bed. We just got back from vacation in Florida, and my husband burned really bad. I woke up to his peeled off skin all over my face. FML

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By me - United States

Today, after buying some groceries, I walked back to my car. After trying several times to get in the door, I finally look up and see a terrified little boy holding onto his teacup poodle for dear life, frantically waving me away. My car was two spots over. FML

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By Mervin22 - Australia

Today, I broke my arm. When I got home from the doctors with my cast, I fell asleep on the couch from the medicine. When I woke up, there were swastikas, "I love the KKK", and multiple penises written all over my cast. My dad thought it would be funny. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I got stood up by all five of my friends. I had to spend two hours getting hit on by a guy because I didn't feel safe to drive home. Their excuse? They didn't think I was serious when I said I was already at the bar. FML

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By Jesstanothergurl - Canada - Toronto

Today, I had to visit a new office building for a meeting. Halfway through the meeting, I got really nauseous and needed to throw up. I ran to find a bathroom, but got lost and ended up in a printing room. With no other option, I was forced to puke into a large envelope. FML

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By ToxicSuicide - United States

Today, my babysitter called to inform me that my grandfather is stalking her. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Brisbane

Today my daughter asked me to do her a huge favor : undergo a liposuction transplantation where my fat would be sucked out then put into her butt and thighs. Apparently, I am the fattest DNA match to her, lessening the risk of her rejecting the transplant. FML

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By toonice - United States - Eugene

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me because I'm too nice. Apparently, me being nice to him makes him feel guilty. FML

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By Ari

Today, my mother-in-law gave me a bottle of champagne for my birthday. This is the third year in a row she has done this. I'm a recovering alcoholic, and she's well aware of that fact. FML

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42519

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my little sister filled the huge house I spent over a week building in Minecraft with TNT. She then demanded I give her all the money in my wallet, or she'd blow it all up. She's now $86.25 richer, and my parents think it's too hilarious to make her give me my money back. FML

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By Sean - United States

Today, we surprised my grandpa by being at his house when he arrived. We haven't seen him in seven years. He had a small heart attack. It was his birthday. FML

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By tryscal - United States

Today, I was attempting to teach a bunch of 2nd and 5th graders on why it's so important to face your fears and try your best. It was going pretty well, until I was attacked by a pair of butterflies. I am afraid of butterflies - I ran away screaming like a little girl. FML

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By fedUPwithPEOPLE - United States - Enterprise

Today, the city shut off our water, because they said we didn't pay the bill. Turns out, it was sitting on their desk the whole time. I guess sending someone out to turn off our water was easier than checking to see if we'd actually paid the bill. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/9/2020 17:00

Alexa, play 4'33" by John Cage

Today, I was the first to sign up to play the national anthem for my school, at one of my volleyball games. My teacher told me she would bring my sheet music. She didn’t. So I just sat there, awkwardly, not playing my cello. FML

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By Anon.

Today, my dog died. We planned to get her cremated and keep the ashes. My sister put forward the idea of putting the ashes in our food so our dog can be "inside of us, always." She's completely serious. I'm scared to eat food from her now. FML

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By Darla - United States - Arcadia

Today, I realized that at age 54, I'm no longer young enough to go commando anymore. Every time I sneezed today, I peed myself. FML

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By Anonymous

Weird flex, but OK

Today, I asked the girl who has a crush on me if she was autistic. She replied without hesitation, "I can be whatever you want me to be." FML

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By sohungry - India

Today, my mum read a forwarded email, and is now convinced that eating processed food will make my ovaries shrink and disappear. Now she goes batshit crazy if she sees me eating potato chips. FML

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By Username - United States

Today, a kid came trick or treating to my house. When I told him Halloween was nearly two weeks ago, his reaction was to savagely kick me in the shin and run off screaming obscenities. This is the same kid who broke down in tears when I gave him candy on the real Halloween. FML

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By Janer88 - Canada

Today, I was working at a restaurant when my manager approached me and informed me that there was people having sex in the women's washroom, and he needed me to go in and ask them to cut it out. So I did. Five minutes later, a woman walks out with her disabled son and asks to talk to my manager. FML

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By getslostinherownhouse - Spain

Today, I was walking down the street and I saw my brother on the other side of the road. He lives overseas and always told me he would visit when I least expected it. When I saw him, I got so excited I jumped on his back, screaming his name. It wasn't my brother. FML

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24065

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went out to eat at a restaurant. When the waitress saw me, she continously told me how beautiful and kind I was. Flattered, I just said thank you. Five minutes later, one of the ugliest girls I've ever seen in my life walked in. The waitress told her the same exact things she told me. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I walked through a spider's web with hundreds of baby spiders on it. My afro is now infested. FML

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By me - United States

Today, my friend and I gave our numbers to some guys at a bar. Twenty minutes after we had left, we got a call. We excitedly answered the phone, only to hear the guy ask, "So are you the fat one or the ugly one?" FML

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By Fenny - United States

Today, I was in my room and I drew a Harry Potter lightning bolt on my forehead in eyeliner because it cheers me up. Then some friends came over, so we went out to get yogurt, and when I got back I realized the lightning bolt was still there. I'm in college. FML

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By Lizzielollipop816 - United States

Today, I was at McDonald's. I bumped into a guy, and as I was helping him pick up his food, I realized he was cute. I began smiling and I was about to introduce myself, when he began laughing and said ,"It's you! I've heard about you!" He left laughing. I still don't know who he is, or what made him laugh. FML

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By Anonymous - Venezuela

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me by spray-painting it on my locker. FML

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By Allie - United States

Today, I was texting my crush. I tried to say, "I need a nap," but my iPhone changed it to "I need anal." I sent it. FML

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By Anonymous - Sweden - Ume

Today, I tried to pull the old "bucket of water above the door" prank on my brother, but the bucket didn't fall when he opened the door. He noticed it, took it down, then pinned me to the floor and waterboarded me with the ice-cold water. FML

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By dcsunshine - United States

Today, I was excited to hear that I received three of my grad school recommendations in the mail from a very busy professor. They need to be submitted sealed, and of course, my nosy mom decided to open them. FML

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By "burnuptowndow"

Today, we got a new boss. This would have been great if he knew how to do his job. I've spent the last week training a guy who hits on co-workers and gets paid twice as much as me. FML

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Top comments

By DaemonSadi | 0

#1848172 - Wednesday 15 December 2010 16:05

xD best presentation ever.

By DocBastard | 38

#1848219 - Wednesday 15 December 2010 16:24

The technical name for not being able to think of the correct word is um...uh...

COMMENTS

By DaemonSadi | 0

#1848172 - Wednesday 15 December 2010 16:05

xD best presentation ever.

All_For_Love | 0

#1848214 - Wednesday 15 December 2010 16:21

agreed. this made me smilee

sexybeastsexybea | 0

#1850064 - Thursday 16 December 2010 1:38

I always have those baint farts. hahaha

By MustBeFirst | 0

#1848173 - Wednesday 15 December 2010 16:05

first

By Geoffrx7 | 0

#1848174 - Wednesday 15 December 2010 16:05

at least you didn't shit yourself.

SeasonedLemur | 5

#1848208 - Wednesday 15 December 2010 16:19

Your granny told me you shat the bed on Saturday!

MissLizWolf | 8

#1848282 - Wednesday 15 December 2010 17:19

yeah, it's lucky he didnt have a 'brain shit' haha I kid, I kid!

Timmo_fml | 2

#1848288 - Wednesday 15 December 2010 17:22

Nah mate, I shit on your granny. Gave her a good old Cleveland Steamer. She loved it.

fakeaccountX | 6

#1849916 - Thursday 16 December 2010 0:58

Alabama Hotpockets are the way to go.

By unicornscankill | 0

#1848180 - Wednesday 15 December 2010 16:08

I wish I worked with you.... that would have been so funny.

kellykerplunkksl | 0

#1848212 - Wednesday 15 December 2010 16:21

You're only thirteen...

Zmeilerr | 22

#1848382 - Wednesday 15 December 2010 18:04

imnutsss | 0

#1849019 - Wednesday 15 December 2010 20:47

X8PX | 5

#1849068 - Wednesday 15 December 2010 21:04

^^^

bmexoxo98 | 0

#1849185 - Wednesday 15 December 2010 21:57

3829/$,

EffinAhole | 0

#1851007 - Thursday 16 December 2010 2:11

^^^^

rnett08 | 5

#1851640 - Thursday 16 December 2010 4:30

hahaha wtf for one hes right ur 13 for two is the only thing u thought to write in ur about me when u made it was "mmm i love drawing elephants" haha

By Shadow111 | 0

#1848182 - Wednesday 15 December 2010 16:08

i guess u blanked out

By tnt227 | 4

#1848196 - Wednesday 15 December 2010 16:15

ouch FYL :( I also blank out when speaking publicly

By amerwin | 3

#1848200 - Wednesday 15 December 2010 16:16

There's nothing wrong with a little comedic "relief", even if you weren't aware that it slipped out.

gatorgurl2996 | 6

#3821903 - Monday 2 January 2012 23:17

Haha

By califormula | 0

#1848202 - Wednesday 15 December 2010 16:17

LOL!

By Doortje | 28

#1848203 - Wednesday 15 December 2010 16:17

Get ready for a big promotion!

By unluckybastard18 | 0

#1848207 - Wednesday 15 December 2010 16:18

w/e you do don't picture everyone in their underwear you say something dumber.