Kids: Today, while driving with my three year old, I was showing her... - FML

By Whoops - United States

Today, while driving with my three year old, I was showing her the different kinds of birds. I pointed out a bright red cardinal perched in a row of hedges. She squealed as it took flight, so happy to see such a brightly colored birdie fly. Until it hit my windshield. FML

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Sister of the year

No, Drake, no

The one with the asshole friend

By Anonymous - United States - Los Angeles

Today, my therapist told me to write down my goals for the next five years. After thinking hard for what seemed like forever, all I could come up with was getting a girlfriend and having an FML published. And to be honest, I'm not even sure about that first one. FML

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By Icy

Lost

Today, I was writing to my girlfriend on MSN when her roommate answered, "Sorry, this isn't Marie, she's at her boyfriend’s." Really? I've looked everywhere in my apartment, and I can’t find her. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Greeley

Today, I got threatened with a gun at the drive-thru, all because my coworker forgot to include extra fries in the guy's order. FML

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By ritz - United States

Today, I was leaving my job at a huge mall. I couldn't find my car anywhere, so I panicked and flagged a security officer. I cried while he drove me around for miles in the endless parking lot. Then, suddenly, I remembered. My friend had dropped me off in the morning. FML

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By Katie - United States

Today, my best friend told me about a vicious rumor that's going around, saying I contracted a horrible STD. I asked her if she told everyone it was a lie. She said no, because the rumor is apparently "way too funny to ruin." Maybe it's time for new friends. FML

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By Lane

Today, I made a frustrating discovery about my new bunny. He can’t stand the fan in my small studio apartment, and thumps angrily and refuses to sleep if it's on. I can’t sleep with it off. FML

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By Michelle - United States

Today, I went bowling with my parents. This cute guy works there and he always flirts with me. My mom just so happened to see it today. As we left, she says to him "You know she's 13, right?" I'm 17. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/11/2020 23:02

Unforgettable

Today, I was mistaken for an employee at my grandmother's funeral. There were only twelve of us there, all family. FML

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By Hotmama - United States

Puppy love

Today, I was nice to my son's friend. He's 27 and needs to get a life, so now he won't stop texting me and flirting. I will have to escort him back, not just to the "friend zone", but to the "I'm twice your age and your friend's mom zone." FML

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By amiadori - United States

Today, I found out my girlfriend of 5 years cheated on me. When confronted she told me, "I didn't get wet so it wasn't cheating." FML

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By RiceSickle - United States - Pleasanton

Today, I received the $30 parking pass that I ordered over 4 weeks ago. My class is only 4 weeks long, and next week is the last week. FML

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By Tights2Tight - United States

Today, I was at the local theatre watching "The Nutcracker" ballet with my mother. When the prince made his appearance in his tights my mother leans over to me and says, "Those are some well defined butt cheeks!" loud enough for everyone around us to hear. FML

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By random - United States

Today, I asked a good friend what she thought would make me more attractive to women. Her advice was, "Don't be yourself." FML

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By don't cry over spilled milk - United States - Elmendorf Afb

Today, after struggling with breastfeeding and trying to build up my milk supply, I was finally able to pump a full 6 oz! I celebrated by immediately spilling it all over my lap. FML

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By meyo555 - United States

Today, we finally got wireless Internet. My mom won't let us open any doors or windows in fear that it might "let the Internet out". It's 103 degrees in here. FML

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By fml

Today, I noticed the results of my hair growth vitamins. It's been a month since my bad haircut, and I've seen some definite growth... Everywhere except my head. FML

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By leosmom

Today, I used a glue stick instead of my Carmex lip balm. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, my psycho-obsessed ex-girlfriend blabbed all about how she got a check in the mail for $1000 from CrimeStoppers on Facebook and Twitter. This explains how my current girlfriend and two of my friends all got arrested last week for having weed. FML

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By guest - Canada

Today, I moved into a lovely basement suite. Unfortunately, the 12 year old upstairs plays violin. She also plays baritone. She said she alternates each day. FML

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By turnedoff - United States

Today, I kindly asked my boyfriend to shave his pubic hair to make oral sex more enjoyable for me. He declined, saying, "Think of it as flossing your teeth. I'm doing you a much needed favor." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my roommate confronted me about my eating disorder. She described in length how emaciated my chest has become and how she wants to help. Except I don't have an eating disorder. My sternum is deformed and I have only recently become confident enough to wear low-cut tops. FML

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By why - United States - Tucson

Today, I caught my boyfriend cheating on me. He claimed it wasn't cheating because he's not romantically attracted to her. FML

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By destiny147 - United Kingdom

Today, I posted a picture of my boyfriend and I kissing on facebook. He untagged himself. FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, while showering in my dorm, a hand reaches through the curtain and grabs my ass. I hit the person on the other side of the curtain. He opened the curtain thinking that I was his girlfriend. He apologized and he had sex with his girlfriend in the shower stall next to me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I asked my mother why she had me in the first place, as we never get along. She replied because my father wanted me. So, I called my father to ask him the same question, he said he only wanted to have me to keep my mother around, and that didn't work, so I was a waste. FML

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By ToInsecure4me - United States

Today, I had to stay late at work. My husband made me take a video of myself punching out, to prove I wasn't cheating on him. FML

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By fml9124 - 5/12/2020 02:02

Weird-ass kids

Today, my Asian girlfriend broke up with me because I'm not Asian, I'm Irish-American, 100%. She doesn't have a problem with me, though. It's her kids. Her grown children want her dating Asian men. She's 62, I'm 63. Is that like reverse racism when the kids are more racist than the parents? FML

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By maxthndr - United States

Today, my boss fired me via text message. I don't have a text messaging plan. I paid $0.25 to get fired. FML

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By supermanj76 - United States

Today, a man came up to me and asked for a $50 bill in change? Being a good man i said "sure." I gave him the change and he gave me the $50 bill. As I walk into starbucks to buy a coffee, I handed the casheir my fifty dollar bill, she called the cops. It was counterfeit. FML

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By creepedasfuck - United States - Limington

Today, my step-brother had some serious bowel distress and rushed to the bathroom. Because he forgot to quit his group chat with his buddies, I quickly found out that the reason he's so over-protective, and hostile to my male friends, is because he wants to get into my pants. FML

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By _dopey_ - United Kingdom

Today, I spilt boiling tea all over my stomach and left leg, so I went to the hospital to get it checked out. They said I wouldn't be able to expose it to the sun for the next two months. I'm going to Barbados tomorrow. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/1/2021 20:01 - Australia

A for Effort

Today, I thought I would spice things up a bit and rocked my man's world, but in the kitchen. Apparently, some of his cum must have got on the tiles because I slipped on it 15 minutes later. In doing so I smacked my head on the fridge.. FML

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By AloneAtPerkins - 28/7/2021 04:01

The friendzone doesn't exist

Today, I got friendzoned by my coworker. He'll constantly remind me that he's there for me if I ever need anything or someone to talk to, he's sexy as hell, and he pulls me in for close hugs. This is gonna be a long-ass summer. Oh, did I mention it's a communal living situation in the middle of the mountains? FML

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By damn - United States - Kenton

Today, I witnessed my roommate telling a girl that he has "really healthy shits". I wanted to make fun of him, but he got laid by said girl and I went home to jerk off. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Charleston

Today, I woke up to several dead snails and worms all over my bed. I guess that's what my little sister meant yesterday when she said I'd be sorry for not letting her play on my phone. FML

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By Anonymous - India - Mumbai

Today, my boss asked if I could spare a few minutes to finish off the last of his paperwork backlog. I'm pretty desperate for a raise, so I said sure. Turns out the "small", "should-take-a-few-minutes" backlog consists of 3 desk-high stacks of documents. Goodbye, cruel world. FML

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By Virginia6810

Christmas is canceled

Today, I got an email that my Amazon account was probably hacked, and they have gone ahead and canceled all orders that seemed suspicious. Two days ago I was celebrating that I'd finished Christmas shopping early. Never mind. FML

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By cuckoo - United States - Mobile

Today, I was shopping with my girlfriend, when I saw my best friend. I jokingly did a double-take and said I didn't recognize him with his clothes on. We laughed, talked a bit, then went our separate ways. My girlfriend later dumped me, claiming I'm blatantly gay and cheating on her. FML

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By zaynemaliksvagina - United States - Shrewsbury

Today, I was having a rough day, so I decided to go to the movies to unwind. 15 minutes in, some assmunch behind me said "This movie sucks!" then dumped his drink over my head and ran out. FML

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By jj - Australia - Windermere Park

Today, I was sick and had soccer trials on the same day. At the soccer trials, the coach called me over and told me I was doing really good and to keep it up. I said thanks and vomited on him. FML

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Top comments

By Xtra_Cheddar | 3

#2628955 - Monday 6 June 2011 8:58

angry birds anyone?

By salvyluv | 0

#2628943 - Monday 6 June 2011 8:57

LOL !
more like fuck the bird's life

COMMENTS

By athena3100 | 9

#2628887 - Monday 6 June 2011 8:53

That sucks

Reply

JacksonCampbell | 9

#2628930 - Monday 6 June 2011 8:56

[insert dramatic, yet sad music here]

Reply

lmfao_shame | 9

#2628994 - Monday 6 June 2011 9:01

you have long fingers Jackson..

Reply

JacksonCampbell | 9

#2629009 - Monday 6 June 2011 9:03

If by "long fingers" you mean "long enough to cover the width of an Apple iPod 4, then yes, I have long fingers.

Reply

jellitonoctopus | 19

#2629131 - Monday 6 June 2011 9:25

those are some long fingers. good for playing the piano.

Reply

JacksonCampbell | 9

#2629146 - Monday 6 June 2011 9:28

What's with everyone and my fingers? They're really not all that long.

Reply

withgoldeneyes | 5

#2629204 - Monday 6 June 2011 9:36

maybe they just have short fingers..

Reply

GavinRoskamp | 0

#2629280 - Monday 6 June 2011 9:55

You have some crazy long fingers, bro...

Reply

yak526 | 0

#2629447 - Monday 6 June 2011 10:42

doubt it, birds always have near misses:D

Reply

Jaykayfu | 0

#2629610 - Monday 6 June 2011 11:53

18 would love to get fingered by jackson

Reply

auzzrage | 1

#2629760 - Monday 6 June 2011 12:19

I once hit a bird, went to check on it and reversed over it again then was like o crap and went to drive off an hit it again and someone watched and thought I was doing it on purpose

Reply

Jesus_Christ69 | 0

#2630002 - Monday 6 June 2011 13:19

combo breaker ? ^

Reply

kyanisaurus | 0

#2630318 - Monday 6 June 2011 14:45

if that's your real photo 32, I'm sure quite a few ladies (and some men?) are wishin you could plow them over a few times :D

By brycereid | 0

#2628905 - Monday 6 June 2011 8:54

Poor bird

By salvyluv | 0

#2628943 - Monday 6 June 2011 8:57

LOL !
more like fuck the bird's life

Reply

adam123add | 0

#2629036 - Monday 6 June 2011 9:07

what life?

Reply

NomOnShroomz | 14

#2632834 - Monday 6 June 2011 22:09

Ah thanks for killing my breakfast for me!

Reply

PutItIn | 8

#2634818 - Tuesday 7 June 2011 5:24

the bird was obviously high

Reply

GuessWhatKids | 13

#2635484 - Tuesday 7 June 2011 5:53

Using your child to drive? Isn't that illegal?

Reply

mollyjynxjax | 28

#5505600 - Friday 24 May 2013 23:49

Or lack thereof...

By Xtra_Cheddar | 3

#2628955 - Monday 6 June 2011 8:58

angry birds anyone?

Reply

Carpy | 8

#2630235 - Monday 6 June 2011 14:24

I'm glad she hit the red one. That stupid bird won't knock over shit! Where's my bomb bird?!!!

Reply

A7X_LoVeee | 10

#2632876 - Monday 6 June 2011 22:15

Dead* birds

Reply

atsirk | 0

#2640963 - Wednesday 8 June 2011 7:38

win.

By YacL | 15

#2628965 - Monday 6 June 2011 8:59

Bet it was difficult explaining to her what the hell happened.

Reply

Alwayspullout | 7

#2630878 - Monday 6 June 2011 16:30

not really... "Sweety, we just smoked that bird, now it's dead."

By skittles222 | 0

#2628966 - Monday 6 June 2011 8:59

I also hit a cardinal but I was on my way back to college. I cried for a half hour in the car. It can be extremely traumatic, I'm so sorry for you and your kid :(

Reply

ImmortalKratos | 0

#2629552 - Monday 6 June 2011 11:34

lmao!!!

Reply

Carpy | 8

#2630253 - Monday 6 June 2011 14:31

Wow, um, oversensitive much?

Reply

similies06 | 0

#2632722 - Monday 6 June 2011 21:55

some people love all living creatures and it hurts them to see one dead, or imagine they could have killed hem. it isn't oversensitive it is having a heart for the creatures that you SHARE the planet with, but I'm sire you don't care.

Reply

BigWiggly | 0

#2634707 - Tuesday 7 June 2011 5:05

I am "sire" you don't care that you spelled "sure" wrong. 

By chimcharx3 | 15

#2628974 - Monday 6 June 2011 9:00

my dad hit a seagull and it exploded

Reply

imneverhigh8p | 0

#2629190 - Monday 6 June 2011 9:33

haha

Reply

borichick1 | 0

#2632327 - Monday 6 June 2011 20:42

that's so messed up and gross

Reply

scarletdragonfly | 5

#2634697 - Tuesday 7 June 2011 4:59

Holy shit, dude! Now THAT's traumatizing.

Reply

chrisvilla | 0

#2639496 - Wednesday 8 June 2011 0:15

Ha! thats freakin hilarious

Reply

kittykat1501 | 31

#6320940 - Monday 15 June 2015 2:37

Mowwow( that means hi or that's hilarious)

Reply

teamkakashi | 18

#6384441 - Tuesday 18 August 2015 8:49

I shouldn't be laughing so hard xD

By XxMaseratiGurlxX | 1

#2628999 - Monday 6 June 2011 9:02

thats epic..

Reply

JokinglySerious | 0

#2632309 - Monday 6 June 2011 20:41

indubitably

By fatalkiss | 0

#2629020 - Monday 6 June 2011 9:05

Ss...ouch. That's life: full of beauty & pain.

By Livinia | 11

#2629049 - Monday 6 June 2011 9:09

Your daughter's probably mentally scarred mow.

Reply

Livinia | 11

#2629068 - Monday 6 June 2011 9:14

*now