Kids: Today, while driving with my three year old, I was showing her... - FML

By Whoops - United States

Today, while driving with my three year old, I was showing her the different kinds of birds. I pointed out a bright red cardinal perched in a row of hedges. She squealed as it took flight, so happy to see such a brightly colored birdie fly. Until it hit my windshield. FML

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Understandable

Coherence dude, do you have it?

Buzzing the tower

By ringhider - France

Today, I was working my shift at the restaurant as a waiter when the girl I've been in love with for 4 years came in with her boyfriend. He asked me to hide the ring in their dessert. FML

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By Hannah - United States

Today, my husband said that when we have sex he almost gets as excited as he does when he gets a chopper gunner on Black Ops. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, a funny smelling liquid was sprayed all over the computer. Last week, I told my fully pottytrained but extremely reluctant toddler that he couldn't play Barney games until he used the big boy toilet. A 4 year old's revenge really sucks. FML

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By A.J. - United States

Today, I had a dentist appointment in which a nurse numbed my mouth. After coming home, I took a nap in which I unknowing bit through my top lip. I physically can't speak. FML

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By Anonymous - Brazil

Today, my boyfriend refused to take me out on our three year anniversary because he was busy, "training to become a professional gamer." FML

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By JD - Australia

Today, I was in my drama class and I was standing behind the curtains. My friend accidentally bumped me into the bin that was hidden behind the curtain. Everyone heard me fall and they opened the curtains. My butt was stuck in it and my knees were in front of my face. No one helped. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I woke up to the sound of a Suburban crashing through my fence and striking the tree in my front yard. After filling out the police report, the driver repeatedly asked me to give him a lift to work. He seemed confused by my speechlessness. FML

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By bullsonyourface

Bread is serious stuff

Today, it's my 6-year anniversary with my fiance, but due to a lot of different family issues, I had to drive 9 hours with my dad to go visit them. Long story short, there was a giant argument about bread, my dad stormed out and I'm left to deal with this shit storm. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, it's my 18th birthday. Last month was my best friend's 18th birthday. She spent the night with me, and the next morning, my mom and brother gathered in my room and sang "Happy Birthday" as they handed her pancakes with a candle on top. Today, I was woken up by screams to take the trash out. FML

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By lucas_urev - United States - Cold Spring Harbor

Today, I had made a cup of my favorite coffee, which I had recently found to be discontinued. To accompany this last cup, I went to get a muffin. As I turned around, I see my son pouring the cup out because I out put it next to the sink and he thought it was dirty. FML

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By BadLuckCarson - United States - Muscatine

Today, I had my girlfriend over for dinner with my family. My father had dressed up as a girl for a recent gig of his at a local pub. This got somehow brought up at the table. The rest of the dinner conversation consisted of him and my girlfriend discussing bras and lingerie. FML

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By medstudent - United States

Today, it was the first time I ever saw a vagina in person. It was during medical school training on how to do a pelvic exam. FML

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By seriously - United States - Goshen

Today, I was being interviewed for an amazing job when I was asked what animal I would describe myself as. Trying to be prompt, I picked the first thing that came to me. I responded with, "I'd be a turtle because I'm really slow sometimes." FML

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By noname - France

Today, I was quietly having a bath when I felt something fall onto my shoulder blade. I glanced over my shoulder and saw what I thought were huge black spider legs. I screamed, completely hysterical, and I threw myself violently against a wall. It was my hair. FML

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By help me - United States - West Hartford

Today, I walked in on my 15 year old daughter and her boyfriend. They were standing in my bathroom, both naked from the waist down. Supposedly, he was trying to "teach her how to pee standing up." FML

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By dumped - United States - Atlanta

Today, I told my friend about a fight I had earlier with my girlfriend. He thought it'd be funny to use my phone while I was in the bathroom and text her "ure such a cunt". She wouldn't believe the truth, even when my friend confessed to her. She thought I paid him to take the fall. FML

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By dumbass1991 - United States

Today, I was messing around on my laptop by drawing on the screen with a marker pen. When it came time to clean it off, it wouldn't budge. Now I have a full beard and mustache etched permanently on my computer screen. FML

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By thanks gramps - Canada - Whitehorse

Today, I posted a video of a dance I choreographed on Facebook. I got a notification a few hours later telling me that my grandpa had also shared it. His caption? "My granddaughter dances like a gay baboon and this dance sucks balls. Throw grapes at her." Thanks grandpa. FML

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By Coaldust

Today, my niece stole a bottle of whiskey from me to mix with Monster and get drunk with her boyfriend. It was a bottle of 23-year-old Pappy Van Winkle's that cost over $2000. FML

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By Anonypiss - Canada - Pembroke

Today, I was taking a piss at a urinal when a fly started harassing me. I got so annoyed, I tried to swat it. Didn't go too well. I ended up losing control of my stream, soaking the guy beside me. He busted my face in. FML

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By TooAccepting - 6/1/2021 23:01 - Australia - Brisbane

Fragility

Today, I explained to my boyfriend that I'm pansexual. I said attracts what me to him is his intelligence and personality, and would still love him whether or not he had a penis. Turns out a 100% straight cis man can prioritise his penis over his intelligence and personality, because he's really offended now. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I woke up and realized I have experienced my first "nocturnal emission". I am a 24 year old male who has been married for 3 months. Guess who isn't getting any. FML

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By Ouch - United States

Today, as I was closing my car door, I realized I had left the keys in the ignition. Not wanting to lock myself out, I reached to stop the door from closing. Not only did I scream when the door slammed on my hand, but in my furious pain, I leaned on the door, locking my keys inside. FML

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By disgusted - United States - Logan

Today, I confessed to my coworker that I'm interested in her romantically. She turned me down, saying that I'm a great guy, but that she basically doesn't want mixed-race children. She said she isn't racist, though, so I guess it's all okay, right? FML

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By AlexK - United Kingdom

Today, I was browsing my computer to find naked pictures of my ex-girlfriend. I decided it'd be funny to photoshop a penis onto one of the pictures. I'm straight and the new picture turned me on more than before. FML

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By hale_551

Today, I asked my teacher if he could tutor me for my upcoming exam. He said he'd look into it and let me know later. I later got called to the principal's office because my teacher claimed I'd propositioned him for sex. FML

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By whyme102008 - United States

Family Matters

Today, I had to bail my dad out of jail, for beating up my boyfriend, for sleeping with my mom. FML

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By BoCoMoGal

Today, my phone reset, wiping the touch ID on my credit card. I can't remember the password so I'm locked out. I tried 'forgot password', but you need to have the physical card. The card is tucked away in the bank lock box. The key to the lock box is packed in one of the 150 boxes we have prepped to move. FML

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By 221bcompanion - United States - Massillon

Today, I put more effort into getting and keeping my Sims onto a good sleep schedule in order to properly take care of their needs than I did for myself. FML

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By firefire - 30/7/2020 08:01

Scoville scale

Today, since my husband has been volunteering to do more of the cooking, I was happy and relieved to have help, until every meal he made had an ungodly amount of spices in it. I overheard him on the phone, saying he’s been purposely making my food inedibly hot so that I’ll eat less and lose weight. FML

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By Anonymous

First dates suck

Today, I went on two dates from a dating app. The first one said halfway through that we couldn't date because it would break his contract. The second one catfished me. This is why I have multiple dates in one day. They never end well. FML

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By PCJJacket - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I had sex with my girlfriend while my parents were out. After they got home, my dog brought out our used condom. FML

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By hungry - United States

Today, my mom asked me if I had an eating problem because I've been eating less. I only started eating less because she told me I ate too much. FML

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By wow

Today, my mom confessed that she has to make up compliments to give to prove me wrong when I said she can never say positive things about me. FML

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By Anonymous - Belgium

Today, I went into hospital for knee surgery. When I awoke, I was surprised to find a bandage wrapped around my throbbing head. The nurse explained that a student observer had fainted in the operating room and his head had smashed against mine on the way down. FML

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By awskme - France

Today, I was having passionate sex with my girlfiend of nine months. She's making a lot of noise so I tell her to keep it down and remind her my parents and sister downstairs. A few minutes later I get a text from my sister saying my parents want to make sure I'm wearing a condom. FML

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By types - United States

Today, my boyfriend decided he is going to narrate everything I do. I can't get him to stop. FML

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By brokeandcardless - United Kingdom - Cardiff

Today, my card got declined at Subway, so I walked to the nearest cashpoint thirty minutes away to frantically figure out how much cash I had in my card. As I went to pull my card out of my purse, it slipped from my grip and fell into the sewer. The guy behind me snorted with laughter. FML

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By StupidPets - United States - Murrysville

Today, I saw my new pet fish completely missing the food at the bottom of his tank and sucking up the little rocks instead. My last dog died from eating rocks. I think I'm doomed to have insanely stupid pets. FML

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By drew - United States

Today, I accidentally walked in on my girlfriend changing. She responded by screaming, throwing herself on the ground to avoid me seeing her, and crawling into the bathroom. We've been living together for 2 months. FML

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Top comments

By Xtra_Cheddar | 3

#2628955 - Monday 6 June 2011 8:58

angry birds anyone?

By salvyluv | 0

#2628943 - Monday 6 June 2011 8:57

LOL !
more like fuck the bird's life

COMMENTS

By athena3100 | 9

#2628887 - Monday 6 June 2011 8:53

That sucks

Reply

JacksonCampbell | 9

#2628930 - Monday 6 June 2011 8:56

[insert dramatic, yet sad music here]

Reply

lmfao_shame | 9

#2628994 - Monday 6 June 2011 9:01

you have long fingers Jackson..

Reply

JacksonCampbell | 9

#2629009 - Monday 6 June 2011 9:03

If by "long fingers" you mean "long enough to cover the width of an Apple iPod 4, then yes, I have long fingers.

Reply

jellitonoctopus | 19

#2629131 - Monday 6 June 2011 9:25

those are some long fingers. good for playing the piano.

Reply

JacksonCampbell | 9

#2629146 - Monday 6 June 2011 9:28

What's with everyone and my fingers? They're really not all that long.

Reply

withgoldeneyes | 5

#2629204 - Monday 6 June 2011 9:36

maybe they just have short fingers..

Reply

GavinRoskamp | 0

#2629280 - Monday 6 June 2011 9:55

You have some crazy long fingers, bro...

Reply

yak526 | 0

#2629447 - Monday 6 June 2011 10:42

doubt it, birds always have near misses:D

Reply

Jaykayfu | 0

#2629610 - Monday 6 June 2011 11:53

18 would love to get fingered by jackson

Reply

auzzrage | 1

#2629760 - Monday 6 June 2011 12:19

I once hit a bird, went to check on it and reversed over it again then was like o crap and went to drive off an hit it again and someone watched and thought I was doing it on purpose

Reply

Jesus_Christ69 | 0

#2630002 - Monday 6 June 2011 13:19

combo breaker ? ^

Reply

kyanisaurus | 0

#2630318 - Monday 6 June 2011 14:45

if that's your real photo 32, I'm sure quite a few ladies (and some men?) are wishin you could plow them over a few times :D

By brycereid | 0

#2628905 - Monday 6 June 2011 8:54

Poor bird

By salvyluv | 0

#2628943 - Monday 6 June 2011 8:57

LOL !
more like fuck the bird's life

Reply

adam123add | 0

#2629036 - Monday 6 June 2011 9:07

what life?

Reply

NomOnShroomz | 14

#2632834 - Monday 6 June 2011 22:09

Ah thanks for killing my breakfast for me!

Reply

PutItIn | 8

#2634818 - Tuesday 7 June 2011 5:24

the bird was obviously high

Reply

GuessWhatKids | 13

#2635484 - Tuesday 7 June 2011 5:53

Using your child to drive? Isn't that illegal?

Reply

mollyjynxjax | 28

#5505600 - Friday 24 May 2013 23:49

Or lack thereof...

By Xtra_Cheddar | 3

#2628955 - Monday 6 June 2011 8:58

angry birds anyone?

Reply

Carpy | 8

#2630235 - Monday 6 June 2011 14:24

I'm glad she hit the red one. That stupid bird won't knock over shit! Where's my bomb bird?!!!

Reply

A7X_LoVeee | 10

#2632876 - Monday 6 June 2011 22:15

Dead* birds

Reply

atsirk | 0

#2640963 - Wednesday 8 June 2011 7:38

win.

By YacL | 15

#2628965 - Monday 6 June 2011 8:59

Bet it was difficult explaining to her what the hell happened.

Reply

Alwayspullout | 7

#2630878 - Monday 6 June 2011 16:30

not really... "Sweety, we just smoked that bird, now it's dead."

By skittles222 | 0

#2628966 - Monday 6 June 2011 8:59

I also hit a cardinal but I was on my way back to college. I cried for a half hour in the car. It can be extremely traumatic, I'm so sorry for you and your kid :(

Reply

ImmortalKratos | 0

#2629552 - Monday 6 June 2011 11:34

lmao!!!

Reply

Carpy | 8

#2630253 - Monday 6 June 2011 14:31

Wow, um, oversensitive much?

Reply

similies06 | 0

#2632722 - Monday 6 June 2011 21:55

some people love all living creatures and it hurts them to see one dead, or imagine they could have killed hem. it isn't oversensitive it is having a heart for the creatures that you SHARE the planet with, but I'm sire you don't care.

Reply

BigWiggly | 0

#2634707 - Tuesday 7 June 2011 5:05

I am "sire" you don't care that you spelled "sure" wrong. 

By chimcharx3 | 15

#2628974 - Monday 6 June 2011 9:00

my dad hit a seagull and it exploded

Reply

imneverhigh8p | 0

#2629190 - Monday 6 June 2011 9:33

haha

Reply

borichick1 | 0

#2632327 - Monday 6 June 2011 20:42

that's so messed up and gross

Reply

scarletdragonfly | 5

#2634697 - Tuesday 7 June 2011 4:59

Holy shit, dude! Now THAT's traumatizing.

Reply

chrisvilla | 0

#2639496 - Wednesday 8 June 2011 0:15

Ha! thats freakin hilarious

Reply

kittykat1501 | 31

#6320940 - Monday 15 June 2015 2:37

Mowwow( that means hi or that's hilarious)

Reply

teamkakashi | 18

#6384441 - Tuesday 18 August 2015 8:49

I shouldn't be laughing so hard xD

By XxMaseratiGurlxX | 1

#2628999 - Monday 6 June 2011 9:02

thats epic..

Reply

JokinglySerious | 0

#2632309 - Monday 6 June 2011 20:41

indubitably

By fatalkiss | 0

#2629020 - Monday 6 June 2011 9:05

Ss...ouch. That's life: full of beauty & pain.

By Livinia | 11

#2629049 - Monday 6 June 2011 9:09

Your daughter's probably mentally scarred mow.

Reply

Livinia | 11

#2629068 - Monday 6 June 2011 9:14

*now