Transportation: Today, while driving, we pulled up at a set of traffic lights... - FML

Nearly

01/10/2021 22:55

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3

You deserved it 0

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 67

You deserved it 5

Spicy

Spicy

Weird flex, but OK

By Anonymous - 17/10/2021 08:01

Spicy

Today, I’m aware that comparing yourself too much to other people can make you unhappy. I now learned that the same goes for comparing yourself to objects. For example, between myself and the shared toilet in my student house, guess who has the most pubic hair? FML

I agree, your life sucks 48

You deserved it 11

Nice try, though

By Anonymous - 16/10/2021 20:00

Spicy

Today, I bought a $100 Victoria's Secret gift card for an ex who I still have a thing for, only to find out she started dating someone else a week ago. I just realized I bought lingerie for her to wear for someone else. FML

I agree, your life sucks 81

You deserved it 746

20/12/2009 14:37

Today, while driving, we pulled up at a set of traffic lights next to a huge truck with live animals inside. Curious as to exactly what animal, I wound down my window to see if I could hear them, just in time for the truck to take off and cow shit to fly in my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 429

You deserved it 11 628

Stop talking!

There's no helping some people

Erm, thanks, I guess

Handjob

By Anonymous - 20/11/2019 18:00

Spicy

Today, I heard my boyfriend masturbate next to me and then relieves himself on my bed sheets. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 853

You deserved it 864

11/06/2012 05:25

Today, my girlfriend asked me if I loved her. I tried to be cute and romantic and responded with a quote from the Notebook, which I watched with her yesterday. After I said, "If you're a bird, I'm a bird," she broke up with me because I was "phony and unoriginal." FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 666

You deserved it 10 259

08/09/2009 17:30

Today, I was riding on the Moscow metro. My friend and I were joking around in English about taking a nap on the nerdy business man next to me. As we laughed and made comments about him, which we thought he couldn't understand, he asked, "First time in Moscow?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 275

You deserved it 84 739

07/06/2009 18:07

Spicy

Today, my mother found condoms in my room. She asked why and I said, "Just in case." She started laughing hysterically. FML

I agree, your life sucks 82 487

You deserved it 9 913

13/04/2009 02:49

Today, I was working as a lifeguard. A woman began to have a seizure. Nervous, I went into shock and walked into a tree, knocking myself out. Post seizure, the woman stood up and walked away. Later, I woke up in the hospital. The ambulance had arrived to take her, but ended up taking me instead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 380

You deserved it 19 463

01/07/2013 05:50

Today, as a joke, my friends pushed me into the men's restroom and held the door shut. As I was trying to push the door open, I heard a voice behind me say, "Wow. Immaturity, huh?" I turned to find a guy taking a dump in one of the urinals. FML

I agree, your life sucks 59 705

You deserved it 3 883

04/10/2014 13:57

Today, I thought I would be cute for my 1 year anniversary with my girlfriend so I cooked a three course meal for her with candles and rose petals on the floor. She loved the dinner, except now she's passed out in a food coma upstairs while I'm left with the dishes. FML

I agree, your life sucks 40 256

You deserved it 7 519

16/08/2012 09:57

Today, I was at work as a lifeguard. The temperature was absolutely stifling, but I tried to tough it out. A couple of hours into my shift, I passed out, fell off my stand, and crashed into the water. Or so the medics tell me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 104

You deserved it 2 790

04/04/2009 23:34

Today, my husband and I were watching TV. An info-mercial came on for a diamond cross necklace that had the lord's prayer engraved inside of it. As the commercial ended I said, "who in their right mind would actually buy that?" Turns out, my husband would, for our anniversary. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 855

You deserved it 24 322

Thief

By anonymous - 28/10/2014 03:40

Spicy

Today, I hit a new low point in my life when I stole batteries from a toy at the daycare I work at, and put them in my vibrator. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 837

You deserved it 39 678

25/06/2012 03:03

Today, I was talking with my wife of five years, and I gave her a few hints about wanting kids. After our talk, she looked at me completely serious and said "Yeah, yeah, kids are great and all, but can't we just get you a dog?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 424

You deserved it 6 159

08/03/2009 07:11

Today, I was driving on the freeway in the back seat of my friends car. I looked over to the left and was greeted by a van full of adolescent boys waving and making the "call me" hand gesture. I then happened to looked down and realized that my right boob was completely out of my top. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 153

You deserved it 54 113

25/10/2010 00:36

Spicy

Today, I found out my girlfriend only gets aroused after watching Jersey Shore and will only have sex immediately after an episode. I think the worst part is, I'll take what I can get. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 055

You deserved it 6 030

04/09/2011 05:41

Today, my boyfriend and I got into a huge fight. What was it over? He accused me of pronouncing MY name wrong. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 646

You deserved it 3 864

04/02/2013 20:47

Today, my boyfriend and I arrived at our pre-paid hotel for a romantic evening. When we went to sign in, they had no reservation for us, however they did yesterday. The payment is non-refundable. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 744

You deserved it 6 042

16/04/2009 18:42

Spicy

Today, I was dressing in my apartment when I noticed I left the blinds open. Outside, a maintenance man was mowing the grass within eyeshot. I figured I'd leave the blinds open and give him a little peek of the goods. Later I found a note on my window saying, 'Next time, close the blinds'. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 305

You deserved it 120 092

The Passion of the Christ

By Canada20 - 29/09/2017 06:00

Today, while helping at my grandma's church, the new Orthodox Priest encouraged me to come to confession because he was sure I would have "a lot of stories to tell" and finished by seductively winking at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 555

You deserved it 317

18/08/2012 16:27

Today, I finally finished my summer assignments for three AP classes. My schedule also arrived. Turns out my school can't place me in any of them, and I just wasted the last four weeks of my summer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 010

You deserved it 2 325

14/12/2014 07:19

Today, I spent well over an hour waiting for customer service to assist me with my forgotten password, only to realize, 5 minutes into the conversation, that I had never created an account in the first place. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 237

You deserved it 28 779

21/06/2010 14:21

Today, I went into the store where my boyfriend works. I saw him talking to a customer, his back was facing me, so I went up and smacked his butt. Turns out it wasn't him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 050

You deserved it 54 835

14/09/2009 19:28

Today, I found out that the money my husband said he loaned to his "mother" actually went to the purchase of new lingerie for the woman he's cheating on me with. I just got the bill from the department store. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 364

You deserved it 3 061

The bird

By Mariah Barnes - 24/07/2020 08:01

Today, I saved a baby bird from the site I work on. It was the runt and did not have any feathers and was neglected by the mother. I took care of it all day at work and planned on taking it to a wildlife reserve after work. Two minutes away from the reserve, we hit a pothole and I dropped it. It died. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 575

You deserved it 202

05/03/2010 08:01

Today, I realized I'd rather be constipated, sick, sit in long traffic lines and inadvertantly eat spoiled meat than spend another day at my shitty job. All things that happened to me today. FML

I agree, your life sucks 24 914

You deserved it 2 805

21/03/2012 11:46

Today, as I turned the shower on, I got covered in gravy. Turns out, my friends had unscrewed the shower head, filled it with gravy granules, then screwed it back on. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 143

You deserved it 3 231

03/02/2009 23:19

Today, a woman walked out of the Humane Society with a cat carrier. I said, "Oh did you adopt him?" She walked past and started crying. She had just brought her cat in to be euthanized. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 370

You deserved it 8 464

Batman

By Anonymous - 05/10/2021 23:00

Today, at work, someone found a bat indoors. I offered my help. They shouted, "Let someone with the right expertise do it." I volunteer as a bat carer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 849

You deserved it 84

Fundies and the truth

By Kyle - 19/04/2021 20:00

Today, I was told by both my parents that I was going to hell and had a “terrorist mentality” because I said our archdiocese deserves to go bankrupt from all their abuse cases. FML

I agree, your life sucks 865

You deserved it 73

25/02/2013 19:26

Today, I heard from my dad for the first time in over six months. It was through Facebook, in a message blaming my brothers and me for his horrible life, and in which he spelled my name wrong. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 411

You deserved it 2 489

12/02/2015 20:14

Today, I discovered that my male coworker, who coincidentally shares my last name, has been telling everyone we're married. I'm 26; he's 58. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 980

You deserved it 2 346

14/02/2010 08:48

Today, my girlfriend was really depressed. I listed the top 50 reasons why I love her. Her response was "thanks for that but seriously, this video on youtube is hilarious." I couldn't cheer her up but apparently a 10 second video of a dog running in circles can. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 959

You deserved it 3 714

Cats rule the world

By Tony - 02/01/2021 08:01

Today, my geriatric cat apparently leaked a little before he got to the litter box because when I went to use the bathroom, I slipped on the puddle. My left foot slammed into the kick panel of the cabinet and now my second toe is purple, swollen and tender. I may have broken my toe by slipping on cat piss. FML

I agree, your life sucks 778

You deserved it 116

10/02/2016 18:36

Today, instead of reaching for some unhealthy food, I tried to eat some dates instead. It was all fine until I bit one in half and saw a rather large, squirming maggot inside. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 249

You deserved it 1 975

06/07/2011 05:11

Today, I was flipping through a magazine and saw an ad that had the line "No corn, no wheat, no soy", all of which I'm severely allergic to. I got so excited at the prospect of having a food I could eat, I fell out of my chair. I then realized it was an ad for dog food. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 428

You deserved it 5 524

24/12/2011 20:04

Today, I had to share a car with my dad and stepmother. My stepmother managed to get hammered at lunch and spent the hour-long car trip drunkenly mistaking the heating controls for the radio. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 516

You deserved it 2 319

Leave me alone

By Anonymous - 23/06/2021 16:01

Today, I'm on a camping trip, and despite the lovely weather, I'm wearing long clothing so the mosquitoes can’t sting me. Unfortunately, nobody seems to have told THEM that. FML

I agree, your life sucks 661

You deserved it 142

27/02/2015 14:13

Today, my girlfriend and I were talking about times we'd made our mothers cry. She said she'd only made her mother cry once. When I asked when, she said, "When I told her I was thinking about dating you." FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 879

You deserved it 3 494

29/06/2010 18:53

Today, I called my mother to check up on her. Lately, she's been having some financial problems, so last week I sent her my last $100 to help her out until her next paycheck. She used the money to euthanize the family dog. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 465

You deserved it 4 676

24/08/2015 21:56

Today, I expressed my feelings to a guy I've liked for a long time. He basically turned me down because I have the same name as his mom, and dating me would be too weird. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 510

You deserved it 2 135

Soon.

By erinbarto - 17/10/2019 20:00

Today, I listened to my mom having a conversation with my dog, asking him if he ate my hamster. My hamster isn't even dead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 300

You deserved it 114

02/07/2015 02:04

Today, I sent the girl I like flowers, only to have her later post a picture of them online, saying, "ha when losers send you flowers". FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 667

You deserved it 2 545

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Sunday 20 December 2009 20:20

"Curious as to exactly what animal, I wound down my window to see if I could hear them..." YDI >:D That's so cute xD

f_my_flip_life 5

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Sunday 20 December 2009 20:36

Well, now you know! xD

Comments

Volcomrox2266 0

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Sunday 20 December 2009 20:01

haha

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Sunday 20 December 2009 22:00

definitely fake, if it was accelerating the cow shit would have been going forward due to physics and laws of relative motion, and not even hit the front of your car, much less curving around your window IF YOU ARE ACCELERATING FORWARD, THERE IS NO POSSIBLE WAY THE SHIT CAN ACCELERATE BACKWARDS come on moderators, think about if an FML is physically possible before passing it

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Sunday 20 December 2009 23:07

http://tiny.cc/iW0Gq brooo

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Sunday 20 December 2009 23:53

you don't know much about real physics now do you its quite possible, given the length of the truck, wind, angles of departure, weight, mass, air pressure, etc etc

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Sunday 20 December 2009 20:02

bullshit!!!

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Sunday 20 December 2009 23:16

Literally.......

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Sunday 20 December 2009 20:05

Lmao that sucks so much. I feel bad for you! fyl

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Sunday 20 December 2009 20:20

"Curious as to exactly what animal, I wound down my window to see if I could hear them..." YDI >:D That's so cute xD

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Sunday 20 December 2009 20:33

lol perfect timing

f_my_flip_life 5

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Sunday 20 December 2009 20:36

Well, now you know! xD

adrianlives702 0

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Sunday 20 December 2009 21:29

so fake.

dacho 7

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Sunday 20 December 2009 21:30

At least you found out.

arabianhorse1234 0

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Sunday 20 December 2009 21:34

fake. if you couldnt see what animal was in the truck, how the hell did cow shit fly out to hit you?

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Sunday 20 December 2009 23:40

That's what I'm wondering.

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Tuesday 22 December 2009 4:17

Okay guys, seriously. MAYBE when she looked up, she saw some type of animal's ass in her face. SO she rolled her window down to hear it. The truck takes off, animal shits, and she hears the damn thing moo.

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Friday 22 April 2011 3:08

That doesn't add up because if she saw a cows ass it would be pretty obvious it's a cow.!! Also if you can see it's ass when you are stopped at the light you should be able to see more as they drive away!!! THINK

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Sunday 20 December 2009 21:44

Since there was no mention of sticking your head out the window, in order for your face to be hit with flying cow shit, the shit must travel alongside your car, then magically cut left at a 90 degree angle to hit your face through the open window. What with there being a windshield and all. Next time you write a fake FML, at least do us the favor of not forcing us to grant you the existence of supernatural feces that can fly in any direction at will, like the orbs in Phantasm. It's just common courtesy, mmkay? Mmkay.