Transportation: Today, while driving, I realized I had left my phone on top of... - FML

Nearly

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35

You deserved it 3

27/09/2021 06:27

Today, I have to get up and go to work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 54

You deserved it 97

Spicy

Spicy

Unfriended

By thethrowawayplace - 15/10/2021 17:00

Spicy

Today, my friend was watching a black guy getting yelled at by the cops on TV. He then decided to yell, "Wow, ni***** really don't know how to behave!" When I didn't react, he yelled it over and over, until I slunk into my room. He knows I'm part black. FML

I agree, your life sucks 459

You deserved it 72

Grind mindset

By MyStomachHurts - 15/10/2021 05:00

Spicy

Today, my boss wrote me up for taking too many bathroom breaks. I tried calling in sick with a bad case of indigestion, but he told me to just power through it because, "it can't possibly be that bad." I have been in severe, persistent discomfort the whole damn day. FML

I agree, your life sucks 498

You deserved it 37

27/08/2009 23:49

Today, while driving, I realized I had left my phone on top of my car when I was getting in. Panicking, I drove back to look for it. I found it in the middle of the street, still intact. Yay! When I went back to my car, I noticed I had locked my door. And the keys were in the ignition. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 084

You deserved it 38 501

Another great day to be alive

Commando

Age difference

22/02/2009 01:15

Today, while on a blind date at Hooters, I ordered my food and the waitress asked me if I was stoned, because she couldn't understand me. I have a speech impediment. FML

I agree, your life sucks 60 842

You deserved it 4 412

08/05/2016 19:12

Today, after spending $120 to have a bouquet of flowers delivered to my mom, she called to complain that I had forgotten about her for Mother's day, but also praise my sister for apparently receiving my flowers I sent at the door and passing them off as hers. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 609

You deserved it 902

29/08/2010 04:21

Today, my girlfriend of six months broke up with me because of 'creative differences', as she put it. The real reason is that we couldn't decide which cupboard the plates should have gone in. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 960

You deserved it 4 390

01/01/2013 17:26

Spicy

Today, I have been single and out of the game for so long that instead of having real wet dreams, I now dream about jacking off. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 300

You deserved it 6 774

The truth will out

By Anonymous - 29/03/2021 02:00

Today, I accidentally overheard my thesis supervisor mutter, "fucking idiot" coming out of a Zoom meeting with him. It was only me and him in the Zoom meeting, and he said it 4 seconds after saying goodbye. I just quit Zoom without saying anything. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 042

You deserved it 113

Unloved

By Anonymous - 03/08/2020 08:03

Today, my dad lied and said he was busy working, all because he didn't want to see me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 354

You deserved it 108

Whoops

By introublenow - 18/09/2015 12:22

Today, I woke up to a cat licking my face. I don't have a cat. I quickly put the cat out the front door and went back to sleep. When I woke up later, I remembered that I had agreed to take care of my sister's cat for a week. I looked out the door, but the cat is nowhere to be found. FML

I agree, your life sucks 16 936

You deserved it 33 233

10/07/2016 16:33

Today, two people came up to me at school, asking if I'd sell them some of my Adderall. I only just transferred here and have never mentioned my ADHD or the Adderall I take for it to anyone. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 376

You deserved it 921

Keep it to yourself

By oops - 30/11/2011 14:15

Today, in a store, an obnoxious woman, swearing loudly and slapping at her out-of-control kids, was disrupting the whole place. I said to the cashier, "That nasty woman should leave the brats at home." She gave me a filthy look and said, "Do you mind? That's my sister." FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 768

You deserved it 19 791

Such a weird move either way

By 1337fade - 07/04/2011 05:19

Spicy

Today, my wife figured that a good foreplay move would be to rub MY underwear in MY face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 150

You deserved it 9 704

15/01/2011 10:19

Spicy

Today, I was at my girlfriends house. After having sex, we went downstairs to where the rest of the family was. At this point I did not realise that I had a used condom stuck to my foot. The family did. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 856

You deserved it 40 292

The Fear

By marie - 26/04/2021 22:59

Today, the kids in my 6 year-old daughter’s class were asked what they feared the most. My daughter’s worst fear is apparently not werewolves, sharks, monsters or clowns. Nope, it’s "eating food I don’t like." FML

I agree, your life sucks 653

You deserved it 167

06/07/2009 06:49

Today, I was skating with my friends and I decided to go to the gas station to get a pack of cigs. The last thing I remember hearing was "Look out!" I am now with twenty stitches because some idiot bet he could throw a brick farther than another guy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 953

You deserved it 8 846

16/06/2011 00:24

Today, I found out the medications my doctor gave me for depression are making me fat. My main reason for depression is an eating disorder. Now, I'm fat instead of just thinking I am. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 063

You deserved it 6 098

02/12/2009 22:27

Today, my sister was dumped by her boyfriend. As my mother was comforting her, I overheard her say "Honey, it's okay, you're the pretty one. Think of those worse off than you. Think of your sister, she might never get a boyfriend." FML

I agree, your life sucks 53 221

You deserved it 3 055

Getting fit for all the wrong reasons

By Anonymous - 01/05/2020 14:00

Today, for the 28th consecutive day, I went jogging for an hour, even though I never really used to, just to get away from my husband and two kids, because being stuck in lockdown with them is boring me out of my mind. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 330

You deserved it 486

26/07/2015 14:27

Today, my friends showed me a video of me blind drunk last night, getting into a fight with my front door. The door won, unlike my face. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 645

You deserved it 13 692

03/11/2016 06:10

Today, my mother finally finalized her divorce! Unfortunately, she'll have to sell the house, and when she does, she'll move in with me. I only moved out a month ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 660

You deserved it 908

05/07/2013 21:37

Today, my step-dad tried to talk me into getting plastic surgery. His reasoning: "Let's face it, 28 and single? Look, I know your mum gave you shitty genes, but that's no excuse to avoid fixing your face, honey." FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 434

You deserved it 3 480

24/05/2019 06:14

Today, I worked a long shift at my job while feeling like crap, anticipating getting a promotion. As my boss was leaving work, he informed me that because I also go to college, the promotion was being given to another employee that I trained a month ago. This is the second time this has happened. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 000

You deserved it 171

Manly men fighting

By Anonymous - 05/06/2020 05:00

Today, my boyfriend got drunk and had a fistfight with a dumb teenager, which was bad enough, but he also lost the fight, which was just pathetic and embarrassing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 399

You deserved it 238

06/12/2013 21:37

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend and I took a nap, fully clothed. I woke up to him panicking. He'd had a wet dream and was scared that his sperm somehow swam through several layers of clothing and got me pregnant. FML

I agree, your life sucks 57 936

You deserved it 5 974

12/11/2012 15:10

Today, I woke up after a night of drinking to find that while I was passed out someone stole my prosthetic leg. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 432

You deserved it 6 631

01/08/2009 08:15

Today, I was wearing a skirt, and running towards a closing elevator, making it just in time. As soon as I ran in, my pad fell out of my underwear and onto the floor. There were 6 other people in the elevator. I picked it up before I realized I had nowhere to put it, so I held it. For 18 floors. FML

I agree, your life sucks 66 353

You deserved it 10 825

Contradictions everywhere

By Anonymous - 14/05/2020 02:00

Today, I was demoted from my job because I didn't volunteer to help out with my job during COVID-19. I texted them on the day of sign-up to see if they had enough people. I was told since I was there not to worry about it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 448

You deserved it 134

29/09/2013 05:10

Today, I saw two kids having a fistfight in the street. I ran over to stop them, and one ended up hitting me in the eye. I now have a black eye over what turned out to have been a fight over who was going to get the last slice of pizza. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 691

You deserved it 9 739

23/03/2009 01:02

Today, I was eating with my boyfriend and his family at a high-end restaurant when, suddenly, I screamed, thinking a dog had just bitten my leg. I am terrified of dogs. I kicked my under-the-table assailant as hard as I could. It was my boyfriend's adorable five-year-old sister. FML

I agree, your life sucks 72 181

You deserved it 34 748

19/11/2017 19:00

Today my fiancé is going to Planned Parenthood to see if he got herpes from a prostitute. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 469

You deserved it 507

17/07/2009 22:40

Today, I was pulled over for speeding. I speak 4 languages and thought if I spoke French, the Officer would let me off with a warning thinking I was a tourist. Afterwards I turned to my wife and said "I can't believe that worked." He was a few feet away and heard. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 473

You deserved it 104 523

He who smelled it…

By Anonymous - 31/01/2015 15:08

Today, my boss let me sit in on a board meeting. It was awesome until the guy next to me let out a vile fart, then looked at me in disgust, causing the others to look at me in disgust too. When I told my boss what really happened, he told me to grow up and stop blaming the other guy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 912

You deserved it 2 682

15/12/2010 05:42

Today, my toddler stood up in a shopping cart and fell, giving himself a black eye. Later, while at a restaurant, he tried to stand up in his high-chair. I quickly blurted out, "Sit down! Do you want another one of those?" while pointing at his eye. The waiter wouldn’t stop glaring at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 296

You deserved it 10 664

04/06/2013 16:05

Today, I had to walk home in the rain because my mom didn't want to get her new car wet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 62 081

You deserved it 4 025

19/01/2011 12:05

Spicy

Today, while I was sleeping I heard my girlfriend moaning. She was seemed to be having a wet dream. She moaned more in her dream than when having sex with me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 093

You deserved it 10 747

09/04/2014 12:37

Today, I had to show a new student around my school. Normally, that wouldn't be such a bad thing, but the student was my crazy, overly-attached ex. I transferred schools to get away from her in the first place. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 910

You deserved it 3 582

08/01/2016 21:48

Today, I played charades with my girlfriend and her family. When it was her turn to act out a phrase, she simply walked to the center of the room and pointed to herself and then at me. It took less than 5 seconds for someone to correctly guess "Beauty and the Beast". FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 379

You deserved it 2 336

01/11/2011 09:03

Today, my best friend threw my football over a wall, so we hopped over to go and get it. Next thing we know, we're both surrounded by men pointing guns in our faces. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 319

You deserved it 7 502

04/12/2018 13:00

Today, I had a dream that I met my celebrity crush. As I leant in to kiss him, he rejected me saying “woah no thanks”. I get rejected even in my dream. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 438

You deserved it 262

01/02/2012 00:59

Today, I caught my pregnant wife smoking. This is after I quit over a month ago to show her my support and be a good influence on our child. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 859

You deserved it 3 066

29/08/2018 06:00

Spicy

Today, I'm on new medication that has a side effect of keeping me awake all night. Now I get to listen to my parents having sex at 2am when they think I'm fast asleep. FYI, my dad likes being spanked and being told that he's a really bad boy who needs punishment. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 137

You deserved it 433

10/04/2011 05:07

Spicy

Today, I promised my boyfriend a blow job every time he does the dishes. Every dish in the house has been washed three times already. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 390

You deserved it 72 201

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Friday 28 August 2009 7:22

This is why you never... EVER... leave the keys in the ignition when you get out of the car.

allmidnighteyes 10

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Friday 28 August 2009 7:35

Who the fuck puts their phone on top of their car when they're getting in? Don't most people have it in their pocket or in their bag?

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Friday 28 August 2009 7:22

This is why you never... EVER... leave the keys in the ignition when you get out of the car.

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Friday 28 August 2009 7:28

I bet you're the guy who always call the "I told ya" that nobody likes to hear.. the OP was clearly absorbed by her cellphone lying in the middle of the road

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Friday 28 August 2009 16:43

American cars are stupid. Why the hell do they allow you to lock your keys inside?

the_stereotype 0

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Friday 28 August 2009 21:23

yeah, my car doesn't open the backseat doors if the car is still on, and yes, i live in the US. anyway, the locking keys in the car...as far as i know, your car can't detect when you're in or out of the car, so it's like locking the doors while driving...which is a pretty safe thing to do.

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Friday 28 August 2009 21:28

But usually the doors don't lock until you reach a certain speed... and I thought most cars won't lock if the key is still in the ignition. That's how my car is, and I thought it was pretty standard.

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Tuesday 11 December 2012 23:14

Most newer cars won't lock with the button with the keys in the ignition and the door open. If the door is closed they still lock. If you don't use the button and manually lock the door or don't have power locks, it will lock with the door open and the keys in the ignition. Also, some cars don't auto lock when you hit a certain speed, like my mom's Nissan minivan or any car without power locks.

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Friday 28 August 2009 7:22

That really sucks. I can't tell you how many times I've almost locked myself out. Well, you submitted an FML, so I imagine you got home okay and at least you had a phone to call AAA.

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Friday 28 August 2009 7:22

the same thing happened to me last week, I put my cell on top of my car at a resturaunt and forgot about it, drove away, and didn't realize until I drove home 30 miles away...

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Saturday 8 September 2012 14:34

Why do you put things on top of your car?!

foxkl 0

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Friday 28 August 2009 7:22

atleast you had your phone to call someone for help, that's not a fyl or a ydi, it's even.

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Friday 28 August 2009 7:23

anybody below this comment is a fag

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Friday 28 August 2009 7:26

I feel bad for OP ):

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Friday 28 August 2009 7:27

by the time you have finished reading this, you will have wasted 10 seconds of ur life that is how i feel about reading this fml.

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Friday 28 August 2009 7:29

Well,at least you can call somebody...

definatelywierd 0

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Friday 28 August 2009 7:33

jumped the gun with that "yay!".

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Friday 28 August 2009 7:35

I'm a fag. Must be cause my comment is below yours though...