Today, while cuddling, my boyfriend excused himself to get a...

By Anonymous - 28/12/2011 02:51 - United States

Today, while cuddling, my boyfriend excused himself to get a napkin. When he came back, he nervously admitted he'd got a booger in my hair. He then couldn't get it completely out. FML

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Miscellaneous

Understandable

Fear factor

Nice neighborhood

By ladytyy - 27/7/2011 23:45 - United States

Today, my mom still hasn't gotten over the novelty of our brand new microwave. We've been eating hot pockets for nearly a week now. FML

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By Tom - 25/11/2010 13:28

Today, a car hit me. I didn't get hurt, but someone called 911. The old woman who had hit me got out of the car with no problem to look at me, and gets back into the car. When the police arrive, she pulls out crutches and said I made strange faces and made her hit me. I got blamed. FML

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By Inez333 - 3/4/2019 02:00

Today, I finally got to see my favorite aunt after months of her living far away with her new boyfriend. She now believes the Earth is flat, gravity is fake, the government is run by reptiles, and that vaccines are the devil themselves. She won't stop trying to convince me of her conspiracies. FML

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By xxlexi_lovexx - 29/3/2010 04:20 - United States

Today, I was about to have sex with my boyfriend. His best friend called and said he just beat God Of War 3 and that my boyfriend could borrow it. He got up, got dressed, ran to his car and told me I could walk home. FML

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By JBK06262009 - 12/11/2009 21:40 - United States

Today, I was informed by my boss that he has been stealing quarters out of my change bowl to pay for his bus rides. He makes six times the amount I make. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/6/2013 16:41 - Belgium

Today, I was feeding some ducks. One of them choked to death on the old bread. FML

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By LawSchoolBoi - 30/4/2019 00:00

Today, I told my roommate she had to pay $55 to replace a piece of the oven she broke. She told me I was being selfish and decided to illegally break our lease because I was, "making her feel unsafe." Now I not only have to pay for the oven repair, I also have to pay her next two month's rent. FML

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By what.....? - 31/8/2012 23:40 - United States

Today, at college, we had a substitute philosophy teacher, because our professor is on bereavement leave. During his presentation, the sub managed to segue from the early works of Immanuel Kant straight into "the myth of the vaginal orgasm." I'm still shocked and highly confused. FML

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By dirty deeds - 31/5/2020 14:00

Still better than the Cats movie

Today, my brother’s cat pissed on my brand new bed. He refuses to replace the mattress, and claims it wasn’t his cat. We only have one cat. FML

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By Bontempi - 19/7/2012 18:55 - France

Today, I returned home to my parents' house, drunk. Hungry, I grabbed a slice of bread and some butter and took two mouthfuls. Five hours later, my mother woke me up and dragged me to the kitchen. In the middle of the table was a buttered, half-eaten sponge. FML

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By that_culinary_degree_though - 13/5/2014 02:46 - United States - Auburn

Today, my mom invited me over yet again so I could practice my culinary degree by making an exquisite, gourmet meal for her dog; a three year old Pomeranian who pees in my shoes. FML

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By Kim - 10/4/2009 07:12 - United States

Today, I got back a paper after a peer review. I had worked really hard on it over the last week and was proud of the end result. When I got the paper back the only positive comment on the paper was "well I really like the blue staple you used to hold it together." FML

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By Soggy Sophia - 27/3/2013 15:44 - United Kingdom - Bristol

Today, I went for my daily post-op doctor's appointment, where I was told I can resume normal activities. Which was handy when I came home to half-an-inch of water throughout my apartment, due to my washing machine drainage pipe coming undone while I was gone. FML

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By boo - 16/2/2010 20:46 - United States

Today, I learned the reason they say don't keep your phone in high humidity places. I left my phone on the counter when I went to take a shower. It now won't turn on due to water damage and the warranty doesn't cover it. FML

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By Teddy - 26/11/2012 20:54 - United States - Gardner

Today, I ran into my sister, who nobody in the family has seen in six years. She looked very happy working the pole. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/9/2009 21:00 - United States

Today, I learned that if you're going to tell your mother you are gay, make sure she isn't holding a frying pan filled with hot grease. FML

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By ToxicSuicide - 8/3/2011 06:47 - United States

Today, my babysitter called to inform me that my grandfather is stalking her. FML

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By anonymous - 17/12/2011 02:06 - United States

Today, I went to the movies with my friends. All throughout, some guy kept making weird sounds and breathing deeply. Midway through the movie, he got even louder. Just as I was about to snap, chunks of vomit sprayed over my chair and shoulders. FML

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By ???? - 25/1/2012 06:32 - United States

Today, I fell and sprained my ankle while trying to step into my underwear. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/12/2010 07:11 - United States

Today, I was taking a leak in the mall bathroom. A kid no older than thirteen strolled in and paused next to me at the urinals. He took one look and laughed, "I feel sorry for your wife, man." All I could do was stand there as he casually disappeared into one of the stalls. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/6/2015 01:22 - United States

Today, I was using the toilet. I was still insanely pissed off over an argument with my girlfriend, which kind of explains why I was wiping my ass so furiously that my fingers broke through the tissue and ended up in my ass, causing me to shriek like a little girl. FML

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By honey soy - 29/1/2012 06:31 - Australia

Today, my boyfriend was flying his toy helicopter at my head. It got stuck in my hair and I now have a bald patch. FML

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By lorrilanee - 20/11/2010 06:20 - Australia

Today, I finally made out with my boyfriend. Let's just say his idea of making out is moving his tongue like a lizard. FML

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By Mintspice - 8/5/2019 12:00

Today, a girl I've liked for months agreed to go to a movie. We were going to see Captain Marvel, but missed the show time, so we saw Five Feet Apart. Blessing in disguise, right? Wrong. She cried while holding my hand as she talked about how in love she is with another girl. FML

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By Forgotten One - 15/10/2009 11:11 - France

Today, my boyfriend of 4 years decided to start an online blog about his life. He mentioned his cars, his friends and even his staff. I was never mentioned. FML

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By dk14 - 24/1/2017 10:00

Today, my girlfriend's dad let me borrow his car for transportation to work because mine got totaled. This car is a complete dump and I've realized he's only letting me use it so it's my fault to fix the broken things on the car. So far, I've had to replace the battery and two popped tires. FML

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By charlotte9338 - 23/10/2011 23:32 - Canada

Today, I went to the hospital with a broken hand. They gave me a cast and some prescription pain medication. The only problem is that the bottle of medication is child-proof, I live alone and I can't open it with one hand. FML

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By Nancy - 10/3/2010 18:42 - United States

Today, I came home and noticed that sometime while I was at school, someone cut off half of my ponytail. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/9/2018 09:00 - United States - Bellerose

Today, I was watching anime in my room when my mom walked in with fresh laundry. It would've been fine at literally any other moment, but the scene on at the time involved girls groping each other in a hot spring. Now she's accusing me of being in cartoon porn. FML

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By flopsy - 3/12/2010 16:19 - Australia

Today, I was about to lose my virginity. I couldn't get it up. FML

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By hanmart - 15/11/2009 05:12 - United States

Today, I found out that my coworker shared a laugh with the boss about setting the office desk on fire (which he actually did), while ten minutes later I was threatened with being fired because I made paper snowflakes and hung a few of them next to the computer. FML

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By me - 21/3/2013 10:25 - United Kingdom - Chichester

Today, I finally got to meet my boyfriend's parents; it turns out that his mum is my therapist. I've just spent an entire morning telling her how confused I am about my sexuality. FML

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By evilwater - 15/7/2011 17:21 - United States

Today, I was at a fancy restaurant when I knocked my glass of ice water over. In my attempt to clean it up with a napkin, I knocked a freshly filled cup of coffee all over myself. FML

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By Originality18 - 24/2/2009 02:22 - United States

Today, I called the florist and ordered a flower arrangement for my grandma, who I was told was sick. I said I didn't know what to get her, so just to send her something nice. I got a call from my mom calling me an inconsiderate bastard. They sent my grandma forget-me-nots. She has Alzheimers. FML

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By alliobamy - 28/9/2009 04:09 - United States

Today, I found an old friend of mine on Facebook. After adding her, I suggested friends for her. She ended up adding every single one I added, but not me. I later saw her ask one of those friends who the hell I was and how I knew all of them. We used to eat lunch together everyday. FML

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By devilboy - 6/7/2011 11:26 - Australia

Today, my girlfriend who was planning on waiting until marriage for sex decided to have sex with me. It's been 4 hours and she hasn't stopped crying, praying and calling me the devil's temptation. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/5/2015 23:55 - United States

Today, I came home to find my dad drinking. Trying to be cheerful, I greeted him with a "Hi, dad!" He sighed, shook his head, and said "It hurts me when you call me that." FML

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By Anonymous - 29/12/2012 23:17 - United States

Today, I checked my sister's diary, because I was worried about her recent angry and withdrawn behavior. She caught me in the act, and my mom, whom I've caught blatantly snooping through my stuff multiple times now, grounded me for my "disgusting" violation of my sister's privacy. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/7/2012 20:34 - United States - Johnston

Today, after a busy afternoon taking care of the kids, I was feeling really down about only being a mom these days, and I was hoping my husband would make me feel better when he got off work. In the middle of cuddling, he called me "mom." FML

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By amandapurple - 22/2/2009 19:02 - United States

Today, I finally won an ongoing battle with my family to go to a restaurant I like, rather than a restaurant I hate with a passion. Now I'm throwing up, and my back is killing me. I'm the only one who got food poisoning. FML

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Top comments

By hatersgunnahat | 0

#3797504 - Wednesday 28 December 2011 8:47

At least he admitted it?

By MrBoredGuy | 1

#3797592 - Wednesday 28 December 2011 8:56

I would of left it there so later I could be all "what the fuck's in your hair?" but I'm just a nice person

Comments

By hatersgunnahat | 0

#3797504 - Wednesday 28 December 2011 8:47

At least he admitted it?

MrBoredGuy | 1

#3797592 - Wednesday 28 December 2011 8:56

I would of left it there so later I could be all "what the fuck's in your hair?" but I'm just a nice person

waswashere | 0

#3797808 - Wednesday 28 December 2011 9:27

It was probably the money snot

quinnbar | 6

#3797848 - Wednesday 28 December 2011 9:36

did you ask him HOW he got a booger in your hair....?

If_Yes_Ment_No | 3

#3797859 - Wednesday 28 December 2011 9:41

He probably casually wiped his nose and then started to touch her hair but didn't realize that the booger went on his hand

staythirsty | 2

#3798296 - Wednesday 28 December 2011 12:20

Aww, he's stuck on you.

lil_miss_katii | 7

#3799548 - Wednesday 28 December 2011 18:28

Romantic moment...? lol at least he told you

chell1894 | 13

#3805090 - Thursday 29 December 2011 22:56

I'd throw up

By ddinspire6 | 10

#3797513 - Wednesday 28 December 2011 8:47

I hope you got the rest out..

fancyclown | 9

#3797876 - Wednesday 28 December 2011 9:44

Hahah, currently picturing OP sitting there on FML with a booger in her hair.

AngrehPirate | 0

#3798026 - Wednesday 28 December 2011 10:44

That's a sticky situation...

quinnbar | 6

#3798060 - Wednesday 28 December 2011 11:04

literally..lmao

By hellokittay | 5

#3797519 - Wednesday 28 December 2011 8:48

That is disgusting. Atleast he tried to clean it off.

By ZeroIce | 12

#3797526 - Wednesday 28 December 2011 8:48

At least he let you know.

By Rddvl | 11

#3797540 - Wednesday 28 December 2011 8:49

Honesty is the best policy...somewhat. Just wash your hair and scrub it good.

yahoowizard | 16

#3798283 - Wednesday 28 December 2011 12:19

...and gives the boyfriend a reason to do this more often

By ilovesarcasm | 18

#3797552 - Wednesday 28 December 2011 8:50

At least he didn't panic and try to brush it out...

By bee716 | 0

#3797557 - Wednesday 28 December 2011 8:50

How sweet

StoryOfTheYear | 13

#3797637 - Wednesday 28 December 2011 9:02

Probably not very, mine are usually more on the tangy side.

SystemofaBlink41 | 27

#3797766 - Wednesday 28 December 2011 9:22

You how boogers make me feel? FURIOUS! OUTRAGED! SICK WITH ANGER!

StoryOfTheYear | 13

#3797771 - Wednesday 28 December 2011 9:22

Nose cavity=Nostril?

blackstar994 | 5

#3797802 - Wednesday 28 December 2011 9:27

Why do you two still eat your boogers?

SystemofaBlink41 | 27

#3797804 - Wednesday 28 December 2011 9:27

You know how boogers make me feel? FURIOUS! OUTRAGED! SICK WITH ANGER!

blackstar994 | 5

#3797822 - Wednesday 28 December 2011 9:30

So 36. You don't still eat yours, do you?

By RetardedChipmunk | 7

#3797565 - Wednesday 28 December 2011 8:50

Take a shower. Problem solved

ohmylanta22 | 5

#3798900 - Wednesday 28 December 2011 16:12

Sometimes showers don't get sticky things like gum and boogers out. They just set them in the hair so they're harder to get out. By the way x=12.4

RetardedChipmunk | 7

#3800785 - Thursday 29 December 2011 1:00

Why cant anyone refrain from solving my math problem?

By FunwithBumperCar | 0

#3797570 - Wednesday 28 December 2011 8:51

Boogers are only the third worst thing you can get in your hair while intimate.

SystemofaBlink41 | 27

#3797630 - Wednesday 28 December 2011 9:01

What is the second one, if I may ask?

FunwithBumperCar | 0

#3797723 - Wednesday 28 December 2011 9:14

I believe you are the dirty one, as I was clearly talking about knots and gum.

blackstar994 | 5

#3797814 - Wednesday 28 December 2011 9:28

Yeah 14 you're nasty!!!

Palirose | 22

#3798100 - Wednesday 28 December 2011 11:23

In all honesty. The only thing I could think of was cum and gum. >_>

murdersquirrel | 15

#3798363 - Wednesday 28 December 2011 12:41

They don't have to rhyme if that helps.

By jaredjudd21 | 2

#3797588 - Wednesday 28 December 2011 8:54

He ejaculated through his nose?