Miscellaneous: Today, while cuddling, my boyfriend excused himself to get a...

By Anonymous - United States

Today, while cuddling, my boyfriend excused himself to get a napkin. When he came back, he nervously admitted he'd got a booger in my hair. He then couldn't get it completely out. FML

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Miscellaneous

Walk the line

Own it

Or does he?

By Anonymous - Singapore

Today, my boyfriend of 4 years proposed to me. I wasn't expecting anything too romantic, but I would have liked something more than an email from Facebook, requesting my confirmation that we were engaged. FML

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By kerry - Canada

Today, I found a piece of rice in my belly button. I can't remember the last time I ate or handled rice. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, after months of saving, I went to buy the wedding ring I promised to buy my fiancée. Just seconds after I walked in, the owner asked me to leave, saying he doesn't serve "trash" like me, while pointing at the memorial tattoo on the back of my hand. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/4/2021 17:00 - United States - Elmwood Park

Thanks for the support

Today, I told my dad I’m applying for a big pageant and I’ll find out tomorrow if I’m chosen to compete. I told him that there's a registration fee and a sponsorship fee. I then said that I might not be picked, but he assured me that I would… because they want the money from the fees. FML

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By horriblefashionsense - United States - Winter Garden

It's Thursday!

Today, I went in the diner I always pass by and ordered a sandwich. When I asked how much it was, the waitress replied, "Don't worry, honey. We give free meals to the homeless on Thursdays." I was too ashamed to deny it, so I just said thank you and left. FML

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By fuck off, dad - Colombia

Today, my dad had a chat with my fiancé, telling him he can do better than me, and to think carefully before going through with our wedding. FML

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By j - Canada

Today, I ran out of gas while driving, and had to call a tow truck. I drive a tow truck. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I went to a petting zoo to take pictures. I look down to see a goat chewing the sleeve of my new sweater, so as I reached down to get it loose, it started eating my hair. People took pictures of me wrestling the goat before they helped me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Colorado Springs

Today, I woke up to my dog laying on the pillow next to me. When he saw that I was awake, he wagged his tail happily and then promptly sneezed in my face. FML

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By bottlepoppin - United States

Today, a customer opened with "you open bottles with them thangs?" I look around my desk for something he might confuse with an actual bottle opener. His girlfriend then informs me he is talking about my breasts. I work for a bank. FML

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By kingkarnie - United States

Today, my mother called to uninvite me from Christmas, my ex-wife is going and she doesn't want it to be awkward for her. FML

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By erockinthesuburb - United States - Noblesville

Today, I was maced. Not by a person, but rather by one of those automatic air fresheners in the bathroom. It was conveniently placed at eye level, you know, for freshness. FML

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By Mr Eek

Today, for the very first time I got it on with my girlfriend. Unfortunately, afterwards I had a terrible tummy ache and let out a very noisy fart. I'm not sure she'll still be my girlfriend tomorrow. FML

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By windskurfer - France

Today, I saw my dad help himself to a sex stamina drink. He and mom share the hotel bed next to mine. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Apex

Today, while bussing at my restaurant job, I felt a cold, wet animal slither down my leg. I started shrieking loudly and dancing dementedly to get it off, and everyone in the restaurant turned to stare. Then I realized there was a hole in my pocket and some quarters had slid out down my leg. FML

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By professionalmedicineman - United States - Arlington

Today, it was my first day at my new job as a receptionist at a small doctor's office. When the doctor's wife called and asked if he'd stepped out, I forgot the word "Doctor" and instead replaced it with, "medicine man". FML

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By Anonymous

Venus in Furs

Today, my boyfriend asked my dad why he gave me the nickname "Bear," which he has called me since I was very little. My dad responded, "Because she has a hairy back." FML

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By staringisrude - United States

Today, at work, I was putting away clothes in the Men's department, when a guy came and started shopping in the aisle in front of me. He kept staring at me non-stop. Getting fed up, I said "What are you staring at?" Turns out he was wearing his sunglasses on the back of his head. FML

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By justwow - United States - Fort George G Meade

Today, I saw an article about how some people think internet access is more important than sex. I asked my boyfriend which he thought was more important. He chose internet access. FML

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By Anonymous - Puerto Rico - Arecibo

Today, my father took me out for some driving lessons. I accidentally reversed while still in the driveway, and I instinctively hit the brakes. In my panic, I accidentally let go of the brakes, and ended up reversing straight into our house, all while my father yelled "NOOOOOO!" FML

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By sammers27 - United States - Scottsdale

Today, a weird guy in pajama pants and a fake hair-hat kept standing by us at a concert. Everyone talked about what a creep he was. I would have too, but he was my dad. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I walked in on my little brother dressing up like Billie Eilish, his new favorite singer. He tore up some of my favorite clothes to make the outfits. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - London

Considerate boyfriend

Today, I had to eat up a few specks of toilet paper to avoid spoiling "the moment" with my girlfriend. FML

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By left out - United States - Spencer

Today, I sang "happy birthday" to my best friend. Sadly, it was while waitressing at work, where they were having a celebration I hadn't been invited to in the first place. FML

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By random0605 - United States

Today, the clerk at Walmart asked me if the stretch mark cream I was buying was for my wife. I wish I could've said yes. FML

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By workaholic

Today, I was talking to my manager about a movie. She asked what main actors were in it, but the only one I could remember was Forest Whitaker. I told her then immediately blurted out "You know, the one with the freaky lazy eye." My manager has a lazy eye. FML

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By EllieJ

Today, I opened a cupboard and a brick fell on my head. The same brick my mum put up there to "keep it out of the way". FML

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By Toolate - United States - Bristol

Today, I went to the surprise birthday party of an ex I still love, though I'm the one who ended things. I walked in in time to see her screaming "Yes" to her kneeling boyfriend, her parents crying and applauding, and her brothers patting him on the back. FML

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By Username - United States

Today, my friend told me that her favourite aunt died last night of a heart attack. The first thing I could think of to say was, "Oh no, is she okay?" FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - London

Today, I bought my first vibrator. I was really excited, until my crippling OCD kicked in, forcing me to turn it on and off seven times in rapid succession, causing it to give off a cracking sound and stop working. Now I'm sad. FML

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By OakStake - United States - New York

Today, my elderly neighbor along with our community church's priest came to my house and demanded to "give them the girl". The girl is my 3-year-old daughter, who has natural born red irises and is photo-sensitive. And yes, we are also Romanian. FML

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By Scarred4Life - United States

Today, the last few seconds of my 2011 was spent staring at my drunk, naked uncle pouring olive oil over himself and rubbing it in. FML

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By heartbroken - United States - Cupertino

Today, even after loving him unconditionally, my originally 340 pound morbidly obese husband, who within the past two years lost almost 200 pounds, left me because now, he "can do so much better". FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I stubbed my toe, and as I was hopping about clutching my toe and swearing like a drunken sailor, I turned and saw my boss, our CEO and pretty much the entire board of directors through the boardroom's open door. FML

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By Matthew - United States - Juneau

Not so Karate Kid

Today, my mom told me to do karate with her, and so I said no. Now my mom won't let me do anything until I go do karate with her. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Mulgrave

Get Out

Today, I came home to find that my mother had cleaned my room, and she'd done a very good job, too. So good in fact, that she even managed to remove all of the furniture, replacing it with a note that said, "It's time to go, sweetie XO". FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Toronto

Today, I learned my dog had eaten a roll of vet wrap, which is like a long strip of bandage. I learned this when she tried to pass it in the yard today, and could only do so with my help. It seemed to never end. FML

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By anon - 7/2/2021 20:01 - United Kingdom

Freaked out

Today, whilst visiting one of my distant cousins for the first time in years, she came onto me. After gently explaining to her that this was inappropriate, she broke down in tears. Whilst I awkwardly comforted her, she started stroking my inner thigh, apparently still trying to seduce me. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my son got an email saying he could win an iPad if he just entered his credit card number. He asked for mine, telling me that it was so he could buy some school supplies online, so I gave it to him. The internet just conned a credit card number out of a 17-year-old nitwit. And me. FML

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By bitch - United States

Today, my car broke down. I had a two mile, up-hill walk ahead of me. About half way up the hill, a car beeped. Thinking they were poking fun at my misfortune, I began to curse and use obscene gestures, only to find out that it was my neighbor asking if I needed a ride. She drove off. FML

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Top comments

By hatersgunnahat | 0

#3797504 - Wednesday 28 December 2011 8:47

At least he admitted it?

By MrBoredGuy | 1

#3797592 - Wednesday 28 December 2011 8:56

I would of left it there so later I could be all "what the fuck's in your hair?" but I'm just a nice person

COMMENTS

By hatersgunnahat | 0

#3797504 - Wednesday 28 December 2011 8:47

At least he admitted it?

MrBoredGuy | 1

#3797592 - Wednesday 28 December 2011 8:56

I would of left it there so later I could be all "what the fuck's in your hair?" but I'm just a nice person

waswashere | 0

#3797808 - Wednesday 28 December 2011 9:27

It was probably the money snot

quinnbar | 6

#3797848 - Wednesday 28 December 2011 9:36

did you ask him HOW he got a booger in your hair....?

If_Yes_Ment_No | 3

#3797859 - Wednesday 28 December 2011 9:41

He probably casually wiped his nose and then started to touch her hair but didn't realize that the booger went on his hand

staythirsty | 2

#3798296 - Wednesday 28 December 2011 12:20

Aww, he's stuck on you.

lil_miss_katii | 7

#3799548 - Wednesday 28 December 2011 18:28

Romantic moment...? lol at least he told you

chell1894 | 13

#3805090 - Thursday 29 December 2011 22:56

I'd throw up

By ddinspire6 | 10

#3797513 - Wednesday 28 December 2011 8:47

I hope you got the rest out..

fancyclown | 9

#3797876 - Wednesday 28 December 2011 9:44

Hahah, currently picturing OP sitting there on FML with a booger in her hair.

AngrehPirate | 0

#3798026 - Wednesday 28 December 2011 10:44

That's a sticky situation...

quinnbar | 6

#3798060 - Wednesday 28 December 2011 11:04

literally..lmao

By hellokittay | 5

#3797519 - Wednesday 28 December 2011 8:48

That is disgusting. Atleast he tried to clean it off.

By ZeroIce | 12

#3797526 - Wednesday 28 December 2011 8:48

At least he let you know.

By Rddvl | 11

#3797540 - Wednesday 28 December 2011 8:49

Honesty is the best policy...somewhat. Just wash your hair and scrub it good.

yahoowizard | 16

#3798283 - Wednesday 28 December 2011 12:19

...and gives the boyfriend a reason to do this more often

By ilovesarcasm | 18

#3797552 - Wednesday 28 December 2011 8:50

At least he didn't panic and try to brush it out...

By bee716 | 0

#3797557 - Wednesday 28 December 2011 8:50

How sweet

StoryOfTheYear | 13

#3797637 - Wednesday 28 December 2011 9:02

Probably not very, mine are usually more on the tangy side.

SystemofaBlink41 | 27

#3797766 - Wednesday 28 December 2011 9:22

You how boogers make me feel? FURIOUS! OUTRAGED! SICK WITH ANGER!

StoryOfTheYear | 13

#3797771 - Wednesday 28 December 2011 9:22

Nose cavity=Nostril?

blackstar994 | 5

#3797802 - Wednesday 28 December 2011 9:27

Why do you two still eat your boogers?

SystemofaBlink41 | 27

#3797804 - Wednesday 28 December 2011 9:27

You know how boogers make me feel? FURIOUS! OUTRAGED! SICK WITH ANGER!

blackstar994 | 5

#3797822 - Wednesday 28 December 2011 9:30

So 36. You don't still eat yours, do you?

By RetardedChipmunk | 7

#3797565 - Wednesday 28 December 2011 8:50

Take a shower. Problem solved

ohmylanta22 | 5

#3798900 - Wednesday 28 December 2011 16:12

Sometimes showers don't get sticky things like gum and boogers out. They just set them in the hair so they're harder to get out. By the way x=12.4

RetardedChipmunk | 7

#3800785 - Thursday 29 December 2011 1:00

Why cant anyone refrain from solving my math problem?

By FunwithBumperCar | 0

#3797570 - Wednesday 28 December 2011 8:51

Boogers are only the third worst thing you can get in your hair while intimate.

SystemofaBlink41 | 27

#3797630 - Wednesday 28 December 2011 9:01

What is the second one, if I may ask?

FunwithBumperCar | 0

#3797723 - Wednesday 28 December 2011 9:14

I believe you are the dirty one, as I was clearly talking about knots and gum.

blackstar994 | 5

#3797814 - Wednesday 28 December 2011 9:28

Yeah 14 you're nasty!!!

Palirose | 22

#3798100 - Wednesday 28 December 2011 11:23

In all honesty. The only thing I could think of was cum and gum. >_>

murdersquirrel | 15

#3798363 - Wednesday 28 December 2011 12:41

They don't have to rhyme if that helps.

By jaredjudd21 | 2

#3797588 - Wednesday 28 December 2011 8:54

He ejaculated through his nose?