Today, while cuddling, my boyfriend excused himself to get a...

By Anonymous - 28/12/2011 02:51 - United States

Today, while cuddling, my boyfriend excused himself to get a napkin. When he came back, he nervously admitted he'd got a booger in my hair. He then couldn't get it completely out. FML

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Miscellaneous

Tense

Not a cheating!

Lockdown is driving us down

By dammit - 10/8/2010 05:19 - United States

Today, there was a fire drill at my school. I was in the bathroom taking a dump, and if that wasn't bad enough, I got suspended for two days for 'improper procedure during a fire drill'. I didn't know you could get suspended for taking a dump. FML

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By ruined_suit - 17/4/2009 21:12 - United States

Today, I came home from work to find that my neighbor's trash bins are still on the curb. While returning the bins to her backyard, her kid runs out and shoots me with a paintball gun. Multiple times. He thought I was a burglar and he ruined my new suit. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/5/2014 19:22 - United States

Today, I moved into my new house. The previous occupants failed to tell me that they'd recently kicked out their crazy crackhead son, who seems to think they've paid me to pretend that they've moved out and that I'm the new owner. He wants back in. FML

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By Murlocmurk - 5/12/2012 17:04 - United States

Today, at school, I have to do a 45 minute presentation with a girl who has panic attacks so bad that she cries, runs out of the room, and sometimes passes out. This presentation terrifies her and it's a major part of my final grade. FML

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By dan - 19/11/2011 04:54 - Reserved

Today, we had a sprint race in gym class which I wasn't looking forward to because I'm a little chubby. The race started and I shot off as fast as I could, somehow in the lead. Everyone was cheering. When I was nearing the finish line I turned around, only to see the race hadn't started yet. FML

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By Electronotfriend - 1/8/2009 16:49 - Poland

Today, I was walking in the mountains when I tripped, I grabbed onto the fence in an attempt to soften my fall. The fence was electric. FML

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By Ouchithurt - 4/8/2009 07:55 - United States

Today, I was following my girlfriend up the stairs, I was pretty sure I was going to get lucky. As I was almost up the set of stairs, she lifted her skirt and revealed to me that she wasn't wearing any panties. I fell backwards down the stairs. FML

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By Anonyme - 29/1/2016 22:38 - China - Shanghai

Today, I'm doing an architecture course in China. My boss asked me to create a lamp shaped like a shrimp. FML

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By wtfdreams - 17/5/2009 12:33 - United States

Today, I had a very intense sexual dream that made me come and left me panting when I woke up. It was the best orgasm I'd ever had. The trouble was, it wasn't about a hot girl, or anything sexy. It was about bacon. FML

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By grann - 15/3/2010 01:39 - United States

Today, while walking to my car through the snow, I noticed the sunroof was open and 2 feet of snow had poured in. Angry, I opened the door to start cleaning. That's when I noticed all the wildlife that had taken refuge inside from the cold. Not only were my seat cushions wet, they were torn open. FML

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By Son - 3/9/2018 17:30 - United States

Today, after an hour-long conversation with my mom that was supposed to help fix our relationship, she said she prefers Beatrice over me and that she's moving in with her. Beatrice is not my sister, she's my older cousin. FML

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By Blanche Dubois - 26/2/2017 11:00 - United States - Birmingham

Today, after finally breaking my addiction to sleeping pills, right as I was drifting off to sleep at my first decent drug-free time in over 4 years... I got the hiccups. FML

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By benz1369 - 12/5/2016 22:22 - Canada - Toronto

Today, while stocking the green beans at work, I picked up a "leaf" which turned out to be a grasshopper. I screamed so loud, my coworkers now think I'm crazy. This is only my second week here. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/10/2011 23:44 - United States

Today, I was getting intimate with my husband on our anniversary day. He climbed on top of me and firmly placed his penis on my nose. When I asked him what the hell he was doing, he burst into laughter and said I looked just like Squidward. FML

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By Big break - 18/5/2020 14:00

As seen on TV

Today, I finally got my big TV debut. After thousand of dollars in acting classes and years of waiting to become a professional actress, I got featured in a commercial. I will be rubbing toilet paper against my face for all of four seconds. Hurray, fame! FML

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By Bisounours - 22/7/2011 11:23 - France

Today, I went to see the new Harry Potter movie with my boyfriend. Feeling an intense need to pee, he decided to sacrifice a few minutes of the movie before the highly-anticipated final combat to get some relief. He went through the wrong door, locking himself out. Right until the end. FML

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By thoughthewasjoking - 15/8/2014 21:10 - United States - Bessemer

Today, while walking to work, I saw a homeless guy with a funny "NEED MONEY 4 BOOZE" sign, so I gave him a few spare dollars for his humor. On my way back home, he was out cold on the sidewalk with several empty bottles beside him. Whoops. FML

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By hard - 9/8/2010 07:07 - Canada

Today, I was at the grocery store and this hot guy was staring at my ass, so I smiled at him. My mother noticed he was checking my ass out, and she approached him and said "I know she has a big ass, but it's rude to stare, son." FML

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By polimeros - 9/5/2012 22:19 - Mexico - Quer?taro

Today, I had to excuse myself from the classroom so I could have a quick wank. This was because I somehow got extremely horny during a lesson on frog reproduction. FML

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By anonymous - 14/6/2012 14:54 - China - Nanjing

Today, I found out that my wife and two teenage daughters' periods are all one week after the other. I am living in hell almost every single day. FML

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By mandythepandy - 4/3/2017 04:00

Noise annoys

Today, same as every other day, I had to pick up around 8 spoons because my cats love to take them and drop them on the floor around my house so they can listen to the noise. FML

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By Loveless - 5/6/2011 12:23 - Canada

Today, I bought a dog to make me feel less lonely. He ran away. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/1/2020 19:00 - United Kingdom

Parenting fail

Today, I left the living room for 3 minutes to make a coffee. When I went back, my 4-year old had found a permanent marker, God knows where, since I don't own a permanent marker. She'd then drawn on her face, the carpet, wall, sofa, both dogs and as an added bonus the TV screen. FML

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By Anonymous - 25/9/2019 22:00 - United Kingdom - Chester

Keep your secrets, do your own laundry

Today, I found out that before my grandma washes my clothes, she smells my underwear to "make sure they're dirty." FML

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By Zanquis - 30/12/2016 19:04

Today, I got stuck with a water damaged kitchen. The manufactor says their warranty doesn't cover it as it's user error, my insurance says they don't cover it as it's a manufacturer error. FML

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By Mels - 6/1/2014 20:57 - United States - Boston

Today, I found a great recipe for dinner, and emailed it to myself with the subject "Dinner tonight". Hours later, I'd forgotten all about it, opened my emails, saw the subject line, and thought someone was asking me out to dinner. I got really excited until I saw the sender address. FML

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By heartbroken - 14/7/2012 01:41 - Canada - Brantford

Today, I came home in tears after my boyfriend admitted to cheating on me. My dad told me to sit down and tell him everything. He's pretty eccentric, so I wasn't fazed when he put on a pair of sunglasses. When I stopped talking, I noticed his mouth was slightly agape and he was snoring. FML

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By Heartbroken - 20/6/2011 02:17 - United States

Today, I spent 2 hours making the perfect card for my dad for Father's Day. When I handed it to him, he smiled and said "Thank you" and then killed a fly with it. I found it in the trash a couple of hours later. FML

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By cumhole - 10/10/2012 02:32 - Canada - Toronto

Today, after great sex with my boyfriend, I lay in my bed while he went to get a drink from downstairs. Hearing someone come up, I shouted out as a joke, "Damn babe, I'm covered in cum, was there a hole you didn't fill?" It wasn't my boyfriend, it was my dad. FML

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By WasntWorthIt - 30/7/2014 17:04 - United States - Concord

Today, my husband thought it would be romantic to pick me up and fall on the bed with me while we were kissing. Our faces smashed together as we hit the bed, and my tongue is still bleeding on and off. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/7/2012 08:57 - United Kingdom - Peterborough

Today, I was convinced I hadn't locked up properly when leaving work, and almost had a panic attack at the train station. I went all the way back into work, to find I had in fact locked up properly. It made me nearly two hours late home. This isn't the first time I've done this. FML

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By ekoblick - 17/6/2011 04:34 - United States

Today, I got food poisoning from my wedding food. FML

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By LucklessNiceGuy - 5/12/2011 07:22 - United States

Today, I was fired from my job on account of "sexual harassment" toward female employees. The harassment? Jokingly offering them foot massages when they were complaining about how their feet ached after a long shift, and complimenting them about their appearance when they felt down. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/11/2014 23:48 - France

Today, while shopping, a lady came up to me and asked if she could borrow my baby because, "Y'know, I'm in a hurry and they'll let me checkout first." FML

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By Tuture - 30/4/2016 01:08 - France - Paris

Today, a learner driver was practicing maneuvers in the parking lot at work. This happens a lot, and my colleagues and I usually have fun watching and laughing. It was all fun and games as usual, until the learner crashed into my car. FML

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By bailey1389 - 26/8/2020 02:02 - United States

Slippery slope

Today, I slipped on my son's Hot Wheels cars and fell onto a building made out of Lego. I now have a fractured tailbone and a broken wrist. I called my husband to tell him what happened and all he could do was laugh. My son didn't leave them on the floor, my husband did. FML

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By NotKeithRichards - 6/9/2011 12:07 - United States

Today, while playing a gig with my band, I tried pulling the classic "playing the guitar with one foot on the monitor" rock-star pose. However, I misjudged the height of the monitor, didn't notice the puddle of beer in front of it, slipped, and fell off the stage into the security guy. FML

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By catgirl911 - 13/10/2009 01:44 - United States

Today, I woke up to see my cat crawling out my window onto the roof. Afraid he was going to jump to the ground, I crawled out my window as well. I caught him. The neighbors caught me in my underwear and bra yelling at my cat on the roof. FML

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By Goatkvlt - 22/11/2008 07:02 - France

Today, my electric razor fell flat right after I had finished with my first cheek. And of course I don't have a manual one. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/4/2013 23:33 - Sweden - Ljungby

Today, I grounded my son after finding out that he's been bullying other kids at school. He got mad and screamed at me, calling me a "bastard". Instead of defending me, my wife got pissed and accused me of having taught our son to swear like that. I can never win. FML

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Top comments

By hatersgunnahat | 0

#3797504 - Wednesday 28 December 2011 8:47

At least he admitted it?

By MrBoredGuy | 1

#3797592 - Wednesday 28 December 2011 8:56

I would of left it there so later I could be all "what the fuck's in your hair?" but I'm just a nice person

COMMENTS

By hatersgunnahat | 0

#3797504 - Wednesday 28 December 2011 8:47

At least he admitted it?

MrBoredGuy | 1

#3797592 - Wednesday 28 December 2011 8:56

I would of left it there so later I could be all "what the fuck's in your hair?" but I'm just a nice person

waswashere | 0

#3797808 - Wednesday 28 December 2011 9:27

It was probably the money snot

quinnbar | 6

#3797848 - Wednesday 28 December 2011 9:36

did you ask him HOW he got a booger in your hair....?

If_Yes_Ment_No | 3

#3797859 - Wednesday 28 December 2011 9:41

He probably casually wiped his nose and then started to touch her hair but didn't realize that the booger went on his hand

staythirsty | 2

#3798296 - Wednesday 28 December 2011 12:20

Aww, he's stuck on you.

lil_miss_katii | 7

#3799548 - Wednesday 28 December 2011 18:28

Romantic moment...? lol at least he told you

chell1894 | 13

#3805090 - Thursday 29 December 2011 22:56

I'd throw up

By ddinspire6 | 10

#3797513 - Wednesday 28 December 2011 8:47

I hope you got the rest out..

fancyclown | 9

#3797876 - Wednesday 28 December 2011 9:44

Hahah, currently picturing OP sitting there on FML with a booger in her hair.

AngrehPirate | 0

#3798026 - Wednesday 28 December 2011 10:44

That's a sticky situation...

quinnbar | 6

#3798060 - Wednesday 28 December 2011 11:04

literally..lmao

By hellokittay | 5

#3797519 - Wednesday 28 December 2011 8:48

That is disgusting. Atleast he tried to clean it off.

By ZeroIce | 12

#3797526 - Wednesday 28 December 2011 8:48

At least he let you know.

By Rddvl | 11

#3797540 - Wednesday 28 December 2011 8:49

Honesty is the best policy...somewhat. Just wash your hair and scrub it good.

yahoowizard | 16

#3798283 - Wednesday 28 December 2011 12:19

...and gives the boyfriend a reason to do this more often

By ilovesarcasm | 18

#3797552 - Wednesday 28 December 2011 8:50

At least he didn't panic and try to brush it out...

By bee716 | 0

#3797557 - Wednesday 28 December 2011 8:50

How sweet

StoryOfTheYear | 13

#3797637 - Wednesday 28 December 2011 9:02

Probably not very, mine are usually more on the tangy side.

SystemofaBlink41 | 27

#3797766 - Wednesday 28 December 2011 9:22

You how boogers make me feel? FURIOUS! OUTRAGED! SICK WITH ANGER!

StoryOfTheYear | 13

#3797771 - Wednesday 28 December 2011 9:22

Nose cavity=Nostril?

blackstar994 | 5

#3797802 - Wednesday 28 December 2011 9:27

Why do you two still eat your boogers?

SystemofaBlink41 | 27

#3797804 - Wednesday 28 December 2011 9:27

You know how boogers make me feel? FURIOUS! OUTRAGED! SICK WITH ANGER!

blackstar994 | 5

#3797822 - Wednesday 28 December 2011 9:30

So 36. You don't still eat yours, do you?

By RetardedChipmunk | 7

#3797565 - Wednesday 28 December 2011 8:50

Take a shower. Problem solved

ohmylanta22 | 5

#3798900 - Wednesday 28 December 2011 16:12

Sometimes showers don't get sticky things like gum and boogers out. They just set them in the hair so they're harder to get out. By the way x=12.4

RetardedChipmunk | 7

#3800785 - Thursday 29 December 2011 1:00

Why cant anyone refrain from solving my math problem?

By FunwithBumperCar | 0

#3797570 - Wednesday 28 December 2011 8:51

Boogers are only the third worst thing you can get in your hair while intimate.

SystemofaBlink41 | 27

#3797630 - Wednesday 28 December 2011 9:01

What is the second one, if I may ask?

FunwithBumperCar | 0

#3797723 - Wednesday 28 December 2011 9:14

I believe you are the dirty one, as I was clearly talking about knots and gum.

blackstar994 | 5

#3797814 - Wednesday 28 December 2011 9:28

Yeah 14 you're nasty!!!

Palirose | 22

#3798100 - Wednesday 28 December 2011 11:23

In all honesty. The only thing I could think of was cum and gum. >_>

murdersquirrel | 15

#3798363 - Wednesday 28 December 2011 12:41

They don't have to rhyme if that helps.

By jaredjudd21 | 2

#3797588 - Wednesday 28 December 2011 8:54

He ejaculated through his nose?