Miscellaneous: Today, while cuddling, my boyfriend excused himself to get a...

By Anonymous - 28/12/2011 02:51 - United States

Today, while cuddling, my boyfriend excused himself to get a napkin. When he came back, he nervously admitted he'd got a booger in my hair. He then couldn't get it completely out. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 554

You deserved it 2 739

Miscellaneous

Broken heart

But there's panic on the streets of Carlisle

Best Baby Names of 2021

By Anonymous - 31/10/2010 04:25 - United States

Today, while cleaning out my garage, I found a pregnant spider. I couldn't step on the spider without releasing the baby spiders, so I went inside to get a glass jar to trap it. While trying to relocate the spider, I accidentally stepped on it. I now have a bunch of baby spiders roaming around. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 568

You deserved it 7 174

By Amanda Ross - 18/11/2010 23:12 - United States

Today, I went to school in my brand new shirt. It was loose fitting and a bit thin, so I wore a sweatshirt on top, intending to take it in once inside. When I got to my seat, I took off my sweatshirt, but also took off my shirt with it, flashing my whole class. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 672

You deserved it 11 797

By bshoemaker45601 - 08/06/2016 20:57 - United States - Circleville

Today, I got a job at a casino where I was actually planning on spending my 21st birthday next month. After they hired me, they told me no employees are allowed to play or gamble on or off the clock, for as long as they are employed there, or termination will immediately follow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 273

You deserved it 3 487

By Anonymous - 16/12/2010 20:59 - United States

Today, a thumb tack came out of one of my posters on my wall. The sole of my foot had the pleasure of finding it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 341

You deserved it 3 950

By mr.nobody - 16/12/2011 14:59 - Cyprus

Today, after I sent around 300 entries to a competition hosted by a deodorant company where the main prize is a trip to Hawaii, spending around 5 hours sending the entries, I won a deodorant. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 413

You deserved it 36 878

By Anonymous - 19/05/2011 03:48 - United States

Today, for the first time all month I felt truly proud and accomplished. I finally figured out how to change the toilet seat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 859

You deserved it 24 063

By Oxnar60 - 08/08/2016 18:19 - United States - Harwich

Today, I left my phone at work. After returning to the office to retrieve it, I noticed it was not on my desk as it usually is. I went to the front office and found it on the desk, unattended. When turning on my phone, I was greeted by my new lockscreen: a crap someone took in the bathroom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 130

You deserved it 1 960

By Stormbringer - 01/02/2011 06:37

Today, I realized that someone spray painted a giant black cock on the front of my house while I was asleep. I also just recently painted my entire house yellow. Yellow doesn't cover up black penis very well. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 380

You deserved it 4 103

Light day

By Anonymous - 09/10/2019 14:01

Today, on my 16th birthday, my lightly worn jeans split while I was at school. I attempted to fix them with staples, but I have a metal allergy. So I took my driving exam with a rash on my butt and staples digging in, in a car that had no AC. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 536

You deserved it 382

Whoop-di-scoop-di-poop

By lindora - 14/09/2020 17:00 - Canada - Richmond Hill

Today, I counted 3 weeks since my new roommate scooped the poop out of her two cats' litter boxes. Also, she keeps rubbing in my face that she takes such good care of the cats, and I can only pretend to nod in agreement. There’s five more months on the lease. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 150

You deserved it 194

Slippery slope

By bailey1389 - 26/08/2020 02:02 - United States

Today, I slipped on my son's Hot Wheels cars and fell onto a building made out of Lego. I now have a fractured tailbone and a broken wrist. I called my husband to tell him what happened and all he could do was laugh. My son didn't leave them on the floor, my husband did. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 665

You deserved it 177

By glitterzebra - 09/10/2011 08:30 - United States

Today, I realized that I can tell how long it has been since I have been with a guy, by the length of my leg hair. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 212

You deserved it 13 377

By Anonymous - 30/04/2013 18:24 - United States - Pompton Plains

Today, I got home from work and found my girlfriend waiting for me in some skimpy lingerie. She ended up pushing me onto the bed, and as I lay there, expecting to be pleasured, she pulled out a pair of adult-sized footsie pajamas and dressed me in them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 64 840

You deserved it 8 393

By Anonymous - 11/04/2009 05:40 - Canada

Today, I was walking towards the bus. The bus was scheduled to leave at 3:20, and it was 3:19 so I decided to run for it. As the doors were closing, I managed to just slip my hand into the door, so it didn't fully close. The bus driver saw this, looked at my face, and then drove away. FML

I agree, your life sucks 64 147

You deserved it 5 249

By GildedByVices - 24/12/2016 08:12 - Australia

Today, on Xmas Eve, my eight-year-old and ten-year-old children and I sat down to watch 'Mr. Stink', an Xmas film about a scruffy, stinky tramp. When he first appeared on screen my children both exclaimed in unison, "He looks like you, dad!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 333

You deserved it 693

By TrappedInSchool - 28/07/2018 12:30 - United States - Fort Collins

Today, I found out that my parents lied to me about my GPA so they could go back on our agreement of "3.0 or above or summer school" and had no intention of honoring the agreement anyway. I've been in summer school doing catch-up for kicks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 632

You deserved it 485

Poor kid

By fair lady - 03/06/2021 04:01

Today, I watched as my four-year-old niece accidentally knocked over her mom’s wine. She was clearly upset about it, and her mother screaming at her didn’t help. Later, she asked her mom if she still loved her, to which she replied, "I don’t believe in second chances." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 085

You deserved it 76

By overexcited - 02/02/2010 00:40 - United States

Today, I woke up in the hospital. I had apparently overworked my heart so much that I fainted. What caused it? I was playing a racing game on my Wii and freaked out when I won first place. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 998

You deserved it 38 465

By Anonymous - 14/01/2013 17:58 - United States - Arlington

Today, while I was having sex, he stopped, looked at me all seriously and said, "Permission to climax, ma'am?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 49 874

You deserved it 9 990

By dumbblonde - 13/07/2019 00:31

Today, I figured out that the roommate who I let move in with me on Sunday is probably a prostitute. I’m a lawyer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 650

You deserved it 378

By financially_wreckd - 21/12/2014 00:53

Today, thanks to some asswipe drunk driver fleeing the cops the wrong way down a one-way street, I've now had my third wreck this year. My insurance premium's now higher than Bob Marley in a weed factory. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 476

You deserved it 3 445

Time to run

By Anonymous - 10/10/2021 08:01 - Australia - Vermont

Today, while out shopping, my fiancé started talking to a cashier in a flirty manner as if I wasn't there, and casually referred to me as his housemate. I felt my heart break, but I'm too weak to bring it up with him. FML

I agree, your life sucks 962

You deserved it 579

By Anonymous - 18/01/2011 18:35 - United States

Today, my extremely lazy roommate is in bed with the flu. Instead of getting up to get water, he's run the garden hose through his window, and instead of going to the bathroom, he's connected a siphon to his penis and run it to a 5-gallon bucket. I have to live with this idiot. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 498

You deserved it 5 160

Wokescolds arise!

By Anonymous - 14/04/2021 19:59

Today, my ex-boyfriend who is now transitioning to female, called me transphobic for dumping them, and now most of my 'friends' hate me and I've garnered an awful reputation because of it. I guess they 'forgot' I broke up with them because they cheated on me, and also forgot the fact that I myself am trans. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 216

You deserved it 207

DST FML

By Anonymous - 06/10/2021 08:00

Today, my partner and I spent the last 3 days transitioning our 19 month-olds bedtime by 15 minutes each day for daylight savings, only to find out we've been going the wrong way. FML

I agree, your life sucks 329

You deserved it 1 129

By idiotfucks - 30/04/2014 20:56 - New Zealand - Christchurch

Today, I was hanging out with my friends, and we got the idea to do some improv comedy together for a laugh. Barely two minutes into our fake political debate, everyone had apparently forgotten it was all a joke. Raging ensued, and a vicious fight quickly followed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 185

You deserved it 8 317

I'm worth it

By Anonymous - 12/12/2020 17:01 - United States - Kalamazoo

Today, I realized after seeing my ex in his new relationship that he does everything for her that I always wanted him to do for me. Sucks not being worth it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 037

You deserved it 157

By small dick energy - 02/05/2019 04:00

Today, I found out just how much of a psychotically insecure nitwit my boyfriend is. He flew into a screaming rage that I was only adding cucumbers to my water and my meals lately to insinuate that he has a small penis. Yeah, I’m confused too. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 422

You deserved it 223

Indoctrination

By say no to indoctrination - 22/08/2020 20:02 - United States

Today, I was called everything from a communist to a nazi to a national traitor for suggesting that kids shouldn’t be forced to recite the pledge of allegiance at school until they’re old enough to truly understand what it means. Someone even threatened to kick my ass for speaking up. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 725

You deserved it 811

Busting makes me feel good

By NotASquirrel - 12/03/2016 05:29 - United States - Bronx

Today, I was using the urinal at work when an old guy started using the one next to mine. All of a sudden, he used that Ghostbusters' line, "Cross the streams!", and tried to pee into my urinal. I had to wait 4 hours in pee-drenched shoes until my shift was over. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 836

You deserved it 1 285

By McChunky =( - 09/03/2009 08:25 - United States

Today, I was with my family at a buffet getting dessert. As I had my chocolate cake in hand, I grabbed an extra slice of cheesecake for my mom because I knew she would like a slice. Upon returning to my table, a couple walking behind me commented, "See, that's why Americans are so obese." FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 906

You deserved it 9 130

By Anonymous - 15/02/2013 04:30 - United States

Today, I had to explain to my white girlfriend that dating me doesn't give her the right to call my mother the n-word. FML

I agree, your life sucks 45 522

You deserved it 9 175

By littlefinger - 11/03/2014 16:11 - United States - Foley

Today, my girlfriend was telling me how sometimes things seem pretty impressive at first, but can turn out to be colossal disappointments when you try them out. "Like your cock," she bitterly finished. FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 546

You deserved it 6 961

By :// - 05/11/2013 21:01 - United States - Romulus

Today, I woke up and went to the bathroom, only to find my dad sitting on the toilet, blind drunk. He screamed "YOU SHALL NOT PASS!" at me. I just wanted to shave. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 685

You deserved it 3 732

By dumped and dusted - 13/07/2016 17:35 - United States

Today, 3 weeks after my girlfriend told me she was pregnant, she admitted it was a lie. Turned out it was just a test to see if I'd break up with her or not. I didn't, but I did just break the bank buying all the things we'd need for an actual kid. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 213

You deserved it 1 941

By j - 04/06/2009 03:36 - Australia

Today, I rode my bike to the grocery store. I left my bike on the small bike rack they have outside the door. When I came out 5 minutes later I found someone had tied their enormous, growling German Shepard to the same rack. I had to wait for the owner to come out who then laughed at me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 283

You deserved it 6 531

By snowman - 06/02/2010 05:12 - United States

Today, right before a huge snowstorm hit our area, I broke up with my girlfriend. In her fury, she decided to grab my car keys and roll down all four windows in my car. I now have 2 feet of half melted snow in my backseat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 947

You deserved it 11 798

By um - 08/02/2011 00:54

Today, I told my new boss to wish his daughter a happy birthday on my behalf, as I overheard him saying it was today. Turns out she committed suicide three years ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks 46 458

You deserved it 7 972

Don't drugs and drive

By Anonymous - 03/01/2022 13:59

Today, a friend of mine borrowed my car, drove it on drugs, fell asleep at the wheel, and smashed it. Don’t worry though, he’s fine, but my car was described as a “write off”. FML

I agree, your life sucks 891

You deserved it 233

By Anonymous - 25/07/2009 02:35 - Brazil

Today, my long-distance boyfriend was at my house for a 10-day visit. He told me that we'd never spent so much time together, so he didn't know me well and now, he'd finally met the "real me". He doesn't like it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 671

You deserved it 9 617

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hatersgunnahat 0

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Wednesday 28 December 2011 8:47

At least he admitted it?

MrBoredGuy 1

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Wednesday 28 December 2011 8:56

I would of left it there so later I could be all "what the fuck's in your hair?" but I'm just a nice person

hatersgunnahat 0

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Wednesday 28 December 2011 8:47

At least he admitted it?

MrBoredGuy 1

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Wednesday 28 December 2011 8:56

I would of left it there so later I could be all "what the fuck's in your hair?" but I'm just a nice person

waswashere 0

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Wednesday 28 December 2011 9:27

It was probably the money snot

quinnbar 6

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Wednesday 28 December 2011 9:36

did you ask him HOW he got a booger in your hair....?

If_Yes_Ment_No 3

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Wednesday 28 December 2011 9:41

He probably casually wiped his nose and then started to touch her hair but didn't realize that the booger went on his hand

staythirsty 2

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Wednesday 28 December 2011 12:20

Aww, he's stuck on you.

lil_miss_katii 7

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Wednesday 28 December 2011 18:28

Romantic moment...? lol at least he told you

chell1894 13

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Thursday 29 December 2011 22:56

I'd throw up

ddinspire6 10

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Wednesday 28 December 2011 8:47

I hope you got the rest out..

fancyclown 9

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Wednesday 28 December 2011 9:44

Hahah, currently picturing OP sitting there on FML with a booger in her hair.

AngrehPirate 0

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Wednesday 28 December 2011 10:44

That's a sticky situation...

quinnbar 6

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Wednesday 28 December 2011 11:04

literally..lmao

hellokittay 5

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Wednesday 28 December 2011 8:48

That is disgusting. Atleast he tried to clean it off.

ZeroIce 12

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Wednesday 28 December 2011 8:48

At least he let you know.

Rddvl 11

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Wednesday 28 December 2011 8:49

Honesty is the best policy...somewhat. Just wash your hair and scrub it good.

yahoowizard 16

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Wednesday 28 December 2011 12:19

...and gives the boyfriend a reason to do this more often

ilovesarcasm 18

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Wednesday 28 December 2011 8:50

At least he didn't panic and try to brush it out...

bee716 0

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Wednesday 28 December 2011 8:50

How sweet

StoryOfTheYear 13

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Wednesday 28 December 2011 9:02

Probably not very, mine are usually more on the tangy side.

SystemofaBlink41 27

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Wednesday 28 December 2011 9:22

You how boogers make me feel? FURIOUS! OUTRAGED! SICK WITH ANGER!

StoryOfTheYear 13

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Wednesday 28 December 2011 9:22

Nose cavity=Nostril?

blackstar994 5

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Wednesday 28 December 2011 9:27

Why do you two still eat your boogers?

SystemofaBlink41 27

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Wednesday 28 December 2011 9:27

You know how boogers make me feel? FURIOUS! OUTRAGED! SICK WITH ANGER!

blackstar994 5

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Wednesday 28 December 2011 9:30

So 36. You don't still eat yours, do you?

RetardedChipmunk 7

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Wednesday 28 December 2011 8:50

Take a shower. Problem solved

ohmylanta22 5

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Wednesday 28 December 2011 16:12

Sometimes showers don't get sticky things like gum and boogers out. They just set them in the hair so they're harder to get out. By the way x=12.4

RetardedChipmunk 7

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Thursday 29 December 2011 1:00

Why cant anyone refrain from solving my math problem?

FunwithBumperCar 0

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Wednesday 28 December 2011 8:51

Boogers are only the third worst thing you can get in your hair while intimate.

SystemofaBlink41 27

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Wednesday 28 December 2011 9:01

What is the second one, if I may ask?

FunwithBumperCar 0

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Wednesday 28 December 2011 9:14

I believe you are the dirty one, as I was clearly talking about knots and gum.

blackstar994 5

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Wednesday 28 December 2011 9:28

Yeah 14 you're nasty!!!

Palirose 22

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Wednesday 28 December 2011 11:23

In all honesty. The only thing I could think of was cum and gum. >_>

murdersquirrel 15

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Wednesday 28 December 2011 12:41

They don't have to rhyme if that helps.

jaredjudd21 2

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Wednesday 28 December 2011 8:54

He ejaculated through his nose?

Nearly

Today I ripped my lovely £50 coat on barbed wire, what I only worn a hand full of times, ended up having to spend £10 to get it repaired, have to wait till Friday to pick it up, it’s only Tuesday. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4

You deserved it 5

Today, a tech came to repair my cracked phone screen. He told me to remove my case and took it to his van in my driveway to fix it. Thirty minutes later, he rings my doorbell and hands me my phone back. He says he fixed the screen but tripped and dropped it walking back to my house, and completely shattered the back. FML

I agree, your life sucks 62

You deserved it 4

Spicy

Today, I spent all day waiting for an unlikely follow up text from the girl from Tinder I let peg me on the first date. FML

I agree, your life sucks 274

You deserved it 739

Today, I swear I'm off men for good after my latest dud date wanted me to pee on his chest to turn him on, and we were only 20 minutes into the first date. The entire male gender are disgusting pigs, no matter how nice they pretend to be. FML

I agree, your life sucks 673

You deserved it 875

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