Animals: Today, while cleaning out my garage, I found a pregnant spider.... - FML

Nearly

01/10/2021 22:55

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15

You deserved it 2

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 79

You deserved it 5

Spicy

Spicy

Weird flex, but OK

By Anonymous - 17/10/2021 08:01

Spicy

Today, I’m aware that comparing yourself too much to other people can make you unhappy. I now learned that the same goes for comparing yourself to objects. For example, between myself and the shared toilet in my student house, guess who has the most pubic hair? FML

I agree, your life sucks 348

You deserved it 92

Nice try, though

By Anonymous - 16/10/2021 20:00

Spicy

Today, I bought a $100 Victoria's Secret gift card for an ex who I still have a thing for, only to find out she started dating someone else a week ago. I just realized I bought lingerie for her to wear for someone else. FML

I agree, your life sucks 141

You deserved it 1 247

31/10/2010 04:25

Today, while cleaning out my garage, I found a pregnant spider. I couldn't step on the spider without releasing the baby spiders, so I went inside to get a glass jar to trap it. While trying to relocate the spider, I accidentally stepped on it. I now have a bunch of baby spiders roaming around. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 564

You deserved it 7 173

Dysfunctional

Mama's boy

Smelly cat, smelly cat…

25/01/2015 05:01

Today, I have to wear earplugs in my own apartment because my neighbor won't turn down his music. My landlord doesn't believe me because "people with disabilities can't be rude." FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 611

You deserved it 2 143

10/07/2012 10:03

Spicy

Today, I had this amazing dream that a beautiful girl was giving me head. It was getting really hot, so in my dream, I reached down to push on her head, but in real life I actually swung my arm down and punched myself in the balls. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 800

You deserved it 41 210

Taking liberties

By Bernie - 07/09/2021 14:01

Today, my live-in mother-in-law gave away the family dog because it’s "one less mouth to feed." Last week, she "accidentally" threw away the mail, thinking it was junk mail. No matter how hard I try to convince my wife to kick her out, she tells me, "But that’s my mother, though." FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 251

You deserved it 136

01/10/2011 05:17

Today, after a week of staying in at night and fighting off a persistent cold, I was finally feeling well again, so I decided to go to my boyfriend's work BBQ. I got food poisoning. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 782

You deserved it 2 824

18/06/2016 03:22

Today, I finally started my first job. I also lost it, for being too "enthusiastic" and making my fellow employees look lazy. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 033

You deserved it 939

30/03/2017 16:00

Today, I now know why my new jeans are so comfy. They're maternity jeans. I thought the soft elastic in front was just for added comfort. Apparently, I need to lose some weight. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 103

You deserved it 1 245

18/12/2010 05:16

Today, after struggling with anorexia for months, I got food poisoning. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 033

You deserved it 7 524

30/03/2017 00:00

Today, my cat looked like it was about to puke, so I put it outside. Unhappy with the situation, it leaped on to the kitchen window ledge and squeezed in through the open window, only to projectile vomit mid-leap all over the kitchen counter. I found a hairball in the butter. FML

I agree, your life sucks 4 331

You deserved it 724

14/01/2018 06:00

Spicy

Today, after faking my orgasms for several years, I found out that my boyfriend has been telling his friends that I'm super loose because he doesn't feel anything when I'm cumming. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 634

You deserved it 12 703

02/02/2011 20:59

Spicy

Today, while my boyfriend and I were having sex, he stopped, got off, walked into the kitchen grabbed a doughnut, and came back to finish while he ate it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 230

You deserved it 7 436

27/07/2009 09:38

Today, I drove six hours with a friend to see one of her favorite bands in concert. We were turned away at the door because the online site didn't say we had to be 21 to enter. I drove six hours back with nothing to show for it but an empty gas tank and useless tickets. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 503

You deserved it 9 390

16/10/2009 20:56

Today, I wrote the most beautiful college application essay ever, ten minutes before the online deadline. Instead of clicking "submit", I clicked the button next to it that said "return". The entire essay vanished into internet wasteland. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 625

You deserved it 46 096

06/02/2017 21:00

Today, I was talking to a girl online and she stopped talking to me abruptly after seeing my picture. FML

I agree, your life sucks 7 229

You deserved it 761

27/10/2011 06:40

Spicy

Today, I got a boner at the dentist. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 882

You deserved it 8 828

26/12/2011 09:55

Today, my once-alcoholic mom told me that she would sell me for a shot of vodka. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 792

You deserved it 2 976

Great name

By ThunderTh0t - 16/09/2021 23:00

Today, I forgot that I gave my Bluetooth speaker a ridiculous device name as a joke when I'd first got it. It's all fun and games until you're around your family and they see the device name "ScoobyDooCumMilk" and are trying to figure out whose device it is. FML

I agree, your life sucks 232

You deserved it 1 015

20/10/2010 18:41

Today, I told my boyfriend that I didn't feel like he loved me. His response? "Why else would I be with you? Your looks?" He was serious. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 447

You deserved it 8 664

18/11/2010 02:32

Today, I asked my boyfriend to try and man up and act a bit tougher. He started crying. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 041

You deserved it 19 982

22/02/2009 06:34

Today, I was happy because my exact shirt and sweater were in seventeen magazine. They were in the "what not to wear" category. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 155

You deserved it 13 391

11/01/2011 02:24

Today, was the first day of potty training for my toddler. While watching a "How to Potty Train" video, I noticed my toddler was making a weird face on the side of the couch. I walked over to her, picked her up and a big pile of poop dropped. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 814

You deserved it 5 669

24/01/2011 02:06

Today, we ordered pizza. A long wait and several phone calls later, we found out that someone met the delivery person at the end of our driveway, signed our receipt, and stole our pizza. Way to check the credit card pizza people. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 896

You deserved it 3 023

02/01/2013 15:01

Today, I got so drunk that I decided it was a good idea to get naked and jump on a trampoline in the back of a neighbour’s garden. Said neighbour is a police officer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 980

You deserved it 46 661

09/11/2016 19:00

Today, my best friend got jealous that his dog likes me more. He told me I have to spank it whenever it cuddles with me so it will love him more. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 521

You deserved it 636

30/09/2009 15:39

Today, I was babysitting my boss' kids. I brought chocolate for them and the youngest said he had never had chocolate and didn't want any. I told him he should always try new things and should eat it. He did. He's allergic. FML

I agree, your life sucks 15 379

You deserved it 41 905

25/07/2011 04:14

Today, I learned that I'm allergic to hornets. I also learned that when your mom sprays a hornets' nest, and they come after you, that jumping in the pool doesn't help. They hover and wait for you to surface. FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 927

You deserved it 3 564

24/12/2012 21:06

Today, my friend put my phone number on Craigslist. I still can't find the ad, but obviously everyone else can because I still haven't stopped receiving naked pictures. FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 484

You deserved it 3 738

04/12/2015 22:17

Today, even after recovering and being able to walk again, my dad keeps peeing in a bucket by his bed. He sees nothing wrong with this, even though it smells. FML

I agree, your life sucks 21 459

You deserved it 1 426

09/02/2012 11:29

Today, I received my new car-seat covers. I wrote my car off yesterday. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 293

You deserved it 18 636

23/11/2009 09:54

Today, I went onto the treadmill at my gym. When it prompted me to enter my age I put 27. I'm 29 and am lying about my age to a workout machine. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 719

You deserved it 38 682

23/07/2011 23:53

Today, my constant bragging to friends caught up with me, and everyone believes I'm a swinger. Because of this, no girl wants to go out with me, in case they become just another notch under my belt. The truth is, I'm still a virgin. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 924

You deserved it 99 125

09/11/2009 19:03

Today, I was turned down for a job as a cashier at Best Buy. I worked like hell to get into and then graduate from one of the top Telecommunication schools in the country. I spent all my time with extracurriculars to help my resume instead of partying like my friends. I can't even be a cashier. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 326

You deserved it 4 258

17/03/2010 14:18

Today, I tried an herbal tea that is supposed to increase your milk supply (I'm a breastfeeding mom). Well, it worked, and it kicked in at my office, but only on one side. So when I went into the bathroom, I noticed I had one boob WAY higher and bigger than the other. Great. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 182

You deserved it 5 094

11/02/2016 15:44

Today, my sister punched me in the face. My dad was actually annoyed with me when I told him. He said I'll never be a "real man" if I can't take a hit from a girl. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 220

You deserved it 3 270

07/08/2011 02:49

Today, I found that there is nothing worse than coming home to a snake slithering across your kitchen floor. Except when it disappears into your cabinets. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 656

You deserved it 3 351

Clubbing

By Anonymous - 26/11/2012 13:30

Spicy

Today, my parents told me that they had joined a local club. Proud of them for going out of their comfort zone to make new friends, I googled the name of the club. I'm sure they'll make some lifelong friends at their first swingers club meet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 676

You deserved it 3 223

Alright bruv'?

By zetuga055 - 15/10/2021 14:00

Today, like I do once a week, I put my bins out to be collected. I was woken up in the early hours by a drunk lad outside, claiming he was desperate for a waz. The sound of him pissing in my food waste bin will haunt me for the rest of my life. FML

I agree, your life sucks 591

You deserved it 55

Bird's eye view

By Anonymous - 13/05/2020 17:00

Today, I found out that my shower area is in direct view from my neighbours' balcony. I realised this when I caught my neighbour and his wife watching me while I was getting dressed. I've been living here for 7 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 513

You deserved it 514

03/06/2012 16:13

Today, my boyfriend picked me up to take me on a date. Just as we were about to drive away, my dad ran out of the house in his underwear and started yelling that he'd kill my boyfriend if I wasn't back home within the hour. FML

I agree, your life sucks 27 465

You deserved it 2 247

20/04/2016 11:35

Spicy

Today, my friend spotted for me while I was lifting a barbell. He thought it would be hilarious to tickle my armpits as I lifted it all the way up. I can still taste vomit in my mouth and it hurts to breathe. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 066

You deserved it 1 541

06/09/2018 00:00

Today, as a CNA, I had to go through the belongings of a patient. His phone rang and I answered - it was his boss. As I explained, he cut me off and said to "drop the act" and "he better be there now or he's fired". He was pronounced dead-on-arrival. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 499

You deserved it 171

Add a comment - Reply to : #

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

Send a private message

Sunday 31 October 2010 12:42

For some reason I read this as "I found a pregnant sister" it was way cooler that way.

Send a private message

Sunday 31 October 2010 15:05

At 18 :P

Comments

Send a private message

Sunday 31 October 2010 12:23

dude I hope ur not scared from spiders or baby spider oh yeah first

Send a private message

Sunday 31 October 2010 12:29

I am....plus I thought spiders laid eggs

iJamesJamesable 0

Send a private message

Sunday 31 October 2010 12:37

don't baby spiders hitch a ride on their mother's back?

Send a private message

Sunday 31 October 2010 12:55

some spiders don't lay eggs actully

Send a private message

Sunday 31 October 2010 13:11

I killed one the other day a while bunch of babies ran off of it was kinda cool til I realized what'd I'd done lol xD

UnicornsDoExist 0

Send a private message

Sunday 31 October 2010 14:41

Ooooh, sick D:

Send a private message

Sunday 31 October 2010 15:02

9 - Not sure whether it's a minority or majority, but some lay eggs, and some lay eggs in a pouch for their young to travel along with them.

Send a private message

Sunday 31 October 2010 15:19

One time, I found a prego spider at school and I squished it. And then we made a game on who could squish the most baby spiders. XD

hairt 4

Send a private message

Sunday 31 October 2010 15:29

#80 OMFG EWW LOL

Selena_is_back 7

Send a private message

Sunday 31 October 2010 15:29

baby spiders are hitchhikers... XD

Send a private message

Monday 1 November 2010 2:48

haha squish squish.

johnsonvillecity 0

Send a private message

Monday 1 November 2010 4:36

if you step on a pregnant spider shouldn't the babies be crushed too?

Mister_Grinch 0

Send a private message

Monday 1 November 2010 5:02

Am I missing something here because as far as I know, Spiders aren't squishable toys where the cotton just magically comes out. Baby spiders weren't already born inside of her ready to pop out like donut cream at any given time. Also, don't spiders lay eggs? I have a feeling that this is a troll fml.

Send a private message

Monday 1 November 2010 5:24

151 - Haven't you ever seen pictures of spiders carrying their young? Search it now. It's interesting.

Send a private message

Monday 1 November 2010 13:18

so you were like baby baby baby *squish*

Send a private message

Monday 1 November 2010 18:37

what I would have done once I saw those spi

Send a private message

Tuesday 9 November 2010 0:00

Hahaha same here too in the garage. They were flying. OMG that fing scared me.

Send a private message

Monday 20 December 2010 18:11

163... Justin Beaver reference...

Send a private message

Thursday 16 April 2015 14:55

dude idk what the fuck you just said

Send a private message

Sunday 31 October 2010 12:23

spiderman

Send a private message

Monday 1 November 2010 12:43

LOL

Send a private message

Sunday 31 October 2010 12:23

have fun with your new spider family. it won't be so bad.

Send a private message

Sunday 31 October 2010 15:51

or go buy some bug spray.

Send a private message

Sunday 31 October 2010 12:23

ewwwwww! I hate spiders!! :S

Send a private message

Sunday 31 October 2010 17:02

hey sister!:D

Send a private message

Sunday 31 October 2010 12:23

not much of an fml to me.

Send a private message

Sunday 31 October 2010 12:24

Pff, it's just your garage. If you're not afraid of spiders it isn't that bad. Besides, many baby spiders will move out.

Send a private message

Sunday 31 October 2010 15:05

At 18 :P

Selena_is_back 7

Send a private message

Sunday 31 October 2010 15:24

lol

Send a private message

Sunday 31 October 2010 18:51

or die

Send a private message

Sunday 31 October 2010 19:43

In Soviet Russia spider step on you.

Send a private message

Saturday 21 July 2012 8:10

in soviet Russia cold catches you, too

Send a private message

Sunday 31 October 2010 12:24

I'd say step on them aswell

Send a private message

Sunday 31 October 2010 12:26

babeh spidahz!

Send a private message

Sunday 31 October 2010 13:38

that's ucky

Send a private message

Monday 15 October 2012 5:53

Ya. If you stepped on the prego one would it not kill the babies as well?

Send a private message

Sunday 31 October 2010 12:36

Am I the only one where who actaully likes spiders?

Send a private message

Sunday 31 October 2010 12:38

*actually

Send a private message

Sunday 31 October 2010 13:45

Yeah, get rid of "where" also.

CrimsonWolf1294 0

Send a private message

Sunday 31 October 2010 14:05

I think it's meant to say "here". and yeah, you are

Send a private message

Sunday 31 October 2010 14:28

i do. i love them lol

Send a private message

Sunday 31 October 2010 20:48

no. I love spiders

threer 30

Saturday 28 September 2013 17:24

Me too. Spiders are awesome!

momo3p 22

Send a private message

Friday 22 January 2016 14:12

Yes

Selena_is_back 7

Send a private message

Sunday 31 October 2010 12:36

shit

Send a private message

Sunday 31 October 2010 15:49

caca

Selena_is_back 7

Send a private message

Sunday 31 October 2010 16:02

poop

MissErikaHart 0

Send a private message

Sunday 31 October 2010 16:48

dung

Send a private message

Sunday 31 October 2010 18:29

fertilizer

Send a private message

Sunday 31 October 2010 19:13

feces

RawrrrImADino 0

Send a private message

Sunday 31 October 2010 20:05

doo-doo

Send a private message

Sunday 31 October 2010 21:51

merde!

Hunter148Cassie 0

Send a private message

Monday 1 November 2010 5:48

cow manure

Send a private message

Tuesday 2 November 2010 7:31

dookie :D

crashsapphire93 4

Send a private message

Saturday 30 April 2011 7:40

scat

threer 30

Saturday 28 September 2013 17:25

Justin Bieber

Send a private message

Sunday 31 October 2010 12:42

wow looks like you're a real man..

Send a private message

Monday 1 November 2010 12:07

not if it's a girl..