Miscellaneous: Today, while at the beach, as a joke, I told my girlfriend that... - FML

By sharkboy - United States - Honolulu

Today, while at the beach, as a joke, I told my girlfriend that I was a shark. She then poked my eyes and punched me in the nose. When I started to get mad, she just shrugged and asked, "What? You're the one that wanted to be a shark. Don't you watch Shark Week?" FML

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And today, on Dr Phil…

Near the knuckle

Modernity

By thanksbabe - United States

Today, after a week of intense fighting, my girlfriend of 4 years and I hung out. She told me she loved me, and I pointed out that last week she said she was going to dump me. Without missing a beat, she replied, "Only to scare you into submission." FML

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By M. Night Shytefuck - United States - Plattsmouth

Today, I handed my boss my 2 weeks' notice. 20 minutes later, I was doing my work alone in the very cold basement of the building. My boss claimed it was a routine relocation planned months in advance. It's going to be a long 2 weeks. FML

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By Doesn't Matter Had Sex - United States - Lake Saint Louis

Today, I had sex with this guy. His dad came upstairs and poked his head through the door right after we had finished, but were still naked in bed. All he said was, "No twins," and walked off. FML

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By Lola - France

Today, as I was pressed for time, I opened some canned food for dinner. When my children were served, they said, "Mmm, this is best meal you've ever cooked for us!" I cook healthy, balanced meals every day. FML

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By Brad

Today, I was on a 3-way call with my wife and the bank. The bank said we didn't qualify for school loans, which means I have to drop out. As soon as the bank hung up, my wife stayed on the line to tell me she wants a divorce and that she regrets our marriage. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/9/2020 14:01 - United States

Get out

Today, my boyfriend tried to break up with me again, and actually offered me gas money so that I would leave. FML

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By eyepatch - United States - Albany

Today, while I was giving a school presentation about life as an injured, deformed soldier, someone asked if the reason I wear an eyepatch is because I'm a pirate. I wouldn't have minded, had I not been presenting to high-school students. FML

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By MC - Canada

Today, while working at a children's day camp, one of the kids who is allergic to peanuts went into anaphylactic shock. I ran and grabbed the boys eppe pen. I was holding it backwards so the injection went into my hand, causing me to pass out and both of us to be rushed to hospital. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, while at work, I cringed as I noticed my caveman colleague frantically digging into his nose and then continuing the use of his computer. I work in IT support and will be rebuilding his computer and reinstalling all his applications in 30 minutes time. FML

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By sex deprived - United States

Today, I got more pleasure from scratching a bug bite than I've gotten from my boyfriend in 2 whole years. FML

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By MrGullible

Today, I found out that not only did I pay for my wife to travel overseas to see her brother but to bang some guy half her age as well. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Missouri City

Today, while at a store, my stuttering problem became so bad the poor store clerk had to supply my own words for me. FML

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By ice cream dude - United States - Denver

Today, I finished my first two weeks as an ice cream truck driver. Now I can't get that annoying ice cream truck music out of my head. It's even in my dreams. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, my cat tried to jump up to the window, and missed. This would have been hilarious if I had not been sleeping under that same window, and then caught him with my face. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I discovered the top I'm wearing becomes completely see-through when it rains. I just got caught in a storm on my lunch break, and still have 3 hours of work to go in my male dominated office. FML

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By The_Black_Jesus - United States

Today, I went to visit some family out of state for my niece's birthday. I couldn't think of what to get an 8-year-old so I got her a Barbie doll. Everyone else got her money, iPods, game consoles, etc. When she got to mine she asked "how do I turn it on?" Then threw it away when she couldn't. FML

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By steve-o - United States

Today, while spooning my spouse, I was awakened in the wee hours by a huge, junk-rattling fart. This has happened numerous times since she became a vegetarian. FML

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By argh - United States - Houston

Today, I woke up to the faint memory of being drunk enough to draw dicks on my own face in permanent marker. FML

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By Max - United States

Today, due to my wife saying I never cook and we always order pizza, I spent a good hour preparing dinner. While serving it to my kids, they started complaining. My wife told them to shut up. When she took a bite, she looked up at me, smiled, and said, "Do you, you know, want to just order pizza?" FML

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By honorstudent - United States

Today, I received an award from my school rewarding me for my honor roll and my cheerleading. When I brought the certificate home my mom congratulated me and hugged me. I worked really hard for this and all my dad had to say was, "Try this flavor of Doritos." FML

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By crazy dog lady - 2/11/2020 02:02 - United States

Furry family

Today, my girlfriend got evicted for having too many dogs. She expects me to let her and all 5 dogs live in my one-bedroom apartment. When I told her no, that I’d get evicted too, she said that should be a sacrifice I’m willing to make for “our family” if I really loved her. They aren’t even my dogs. FML

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By catherineratley - United States - Carmi

Today, I shut my finger in the car door. The door locked. Then I dropped the keys on the ground and couldn't reach them. FML

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By JeffeeBojangles - United States

Today, my grandma seemingly decided that it was a really nice day to put my cat in the dryer. FML

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By yeah_im_mad_bro - Canada

Today, it's been a week since my little brother took up his new hobby of posting "cool story, bro" in reply to almost every Facebook status and comment that I make. Not only do I already want to smash his face against a brick wall, my parents will ground me if I defriend any family members. FML

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By zingle af

Erection for Protection

Today, I realized how sex-deprived I am when the thought of owning condoms gave me a rock solid erection. FML

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By lonelyharts86 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I had an interview for my dream job. I was offered coffee and a donut. It was going well until I took a bite of the donut and started choking on it. I coughed so hard I ended up vomiting into his garbage can. FML

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By hashtag beard life - 12/10/2020 17:01 - United States

Assumption Day

Today, my 5-year-old daughter said she, “hates daddy’s kisses because they feel funny.” My extended family freaked out and assumed the worse. My husband has recently grown a beard and my daughter hates how scratchy it feels. He’s not a monster but they still treat us weird now. FML

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By HLRJ - United States - Concord

Today, after my husband said he forgot our anniversary 2 days ago because he was so focused on planning for today, he forgot what was so important about today. It's my birthday. FML

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By RaccoonFever - United States - La Jolla

Today, I'm trapped in my apartment, due to the fact that five raccoons have decided to sit outside my only door and prevent me from getting out. Every time I look at one, they hiss at me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while working at a children's toy store, a woman walked in, looked around a bit, then asked if we sell dildos. FML

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By unattractive - Canada

Today, my boyfriend asked me to pick his nose for him. FML

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By How strange - United States

Today, while my boyfriend was in the kitchen, he got three text messages, all of which were from "Babe 2", "Babe 3", and "Babe 4". FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I found out that my wife makes mashed potatoes by using her dirty feet to crush the potatoes because apparently this is a "healthy, natural" way to make them, and it also cleans her feet. I've been eating her mashed potatoes at least once every week. FML

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By Noname - United States

Today, for my birthday my boyfriend bought me a sexy outfit to wear for him. At the bottom of the bag was a razor. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, I had to convince my nine year-old brother to stop using my biology textbook as a masturbatory aid so I could actually get some studying done. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Tyler

Today, a customer at my coffee shop bitched me out because we don't sell cranberry juice. FML

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By anonymous_0505 - Russian Federation

Today, my boyfriend ditched me, saying he had some important things to do. When I checked on him a while later, I found out what was so "important". A game called Robot Unicorn Attack. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my family made a fake boyfriend for me on Facebook, since it's been so long since I had one. I accepted the relationship request to try and trick people into thinking I actually had a boyfriend. FML

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By Soverytired - Australia

Today, I received a gift certificate from my grandmother for a local bookshop. Considering how broke I am, this would be a fantastic gift. If the bookshop in question wasn't a right-wing evangelical Christian Bookshop, and I wasn't Jewish. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/4/2020 23:00

DINOSAURS!!

Today, I tried to cook an extra healthy, vegetable filled meal for my boyfriend and I. Not only did we notice the vegetables were off a little too late, but he also found my hair in his bowl. We had to settle for turkey dinosaurs and spaghetti loops instead. FML

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Top comments

By eeppiicc | 8

#4551490 - Monday 11 June 2012 9:05

Eating her would have solved that problem.

By Sunyboy | 12

#4551489 - Monday 11 June 2012 9:05

Shark week is beast.

COMMENTS

By I_Punch_Babies | 7

#4551486 - Monday 11 June 2012 9:04

wow...just wow

Reply

Jonkbaby | 19

#4551495 - Monday 11 June 2012 9:06

dump his as!!!

Reply

eeppiicc | 8

#4551503 - Monday 11 June 2012 9:09

7, But the word as is important in the English language.

Reply

Keevarou | 16

#4551506 - Monday 11 June 2012 9:10

Haven't you heard that the bird is the word?>:3

Reply

dude1122332 | 9

#4551509 - Monday 11 June 2012 9:11

-Peter Griffin. Wisdom words.

Reply

JocelynKaulitz | 28

#4551511 - Monday 11 June 2012 9:12

You should know, sharks don't take shit from nobody.
Eat her!

Reply

eeppiicc | 8

#4551523 - Monday 11 June 2012 9:16

14, I feel like #3 said something similar to that, but I'm not quite sure..

Reply

igive | 28

#4551526 - Monday 11 June 2012 9:18

14 if you know what i mean....

Reply

dude1122332 | 9

#4551528 - Monday 11 June 2012 9:18

17, I'm with you on that.. Just can't think why.. -scrolls down-

Reply

siickman | 7

#4551601 - Monday 11 June 2012 10:25

So this dumb FML gets posted but mine doesnt. I really wonder who generates all these FML's and question what the actual fuck are they doing over there. -.-

Reply

AnwarK95 | 1

#4552045 - Monday 11 June 2012 14:08

I'm quite surprised no one made a "Shark Week" period-related joke yet...

Reply

beelee1988 | 13

#4553004 - Monday 11 June 2012 18:24

7- her*

Reply

Trix_Disorder | 20

#4554173 - Monday 11 June 2012 23:03

13 - It's a real song.

Reply

Bobissmall | 13

#4557411 - Tuesday 12 June 2012 13:44

Despite terrible spelling and wrong gender(?) I sort of have to agree with #7. Reverse the roles for a moment, girl jokes she's a shark, guy pokes her in the eyes and punches her. Wouldn't you all be telling her to break it off?

Reply

xactownife | 7

#4559532 - Wednesday 13 June 2012 0:51

13 - The bird was the word long before Family Guy existed

Reply

julien672 | 0

#4653788 - Thursday 5 July 2012 18:40

This from the person whose username involves punching babies.

Reply

omg36 | 7

#4972333 - Wednesday 26 September 2012 1:34

Why would you say you're a shark as a joke? What are you six?

Reply

acrawf4244 | 4

#5960833 - Friday 30 May 2014 21:06

Naw shiz...

By Sunyboy | 12

#4551489 - Monday 11 June 2012 9:05

Shark week is beast.

Reply

crazykid300 | 6

#4551587 - Monday 11 June 2012 10:04

Fuck ya it is

Reply

iFizzgig | 11

#4552313 - Monday 11 June 2012 15:34

Sharks! they only bite when you touch their private parts!

Reply

tjv3 | 10

#4554479 - Tuesday 12 June 2012 0:58

OP I think I love your girlfriend lol

Reply

buckstop1 | 37

#6514589 - Tuesday 19 January 2016 16:42

That's a little on the creepy side mate

By eeppiicc | 8

#4551490 - Monday 11 June 2012 9:05

Eating her would have solved that problem.

Reply

exleonhart | 0

#4551537 - Monday 11 June 2012 9:23

You sly boots you...

Reply

FMLshark | 12

#4551546 - Monday 11 June 2012 9:29

Already done.
She was a little salty.

Reply

toenibbler | 14

#4551559 - Monday 11 June 2012 9:35

I've told you before and I'll tell you again: toes are the better option.

Reply

FMLshark | 12

#4551563 - Monday 11 June 2012 9:37

Toes have no meat, 36. :( I prefer ribs.
I'll save the toes so you can nibble them.

Reply

RedPillSucks | 31

#4552538 - Monday 11 June 2012 16:28

I'm having fun imagining what the definition of "Eating" might be.

Why the hell are there 2 #1 comments?

Reply

Cartera | 10

#4553062 - Monday 11 June 2012 18:37

31 - your bio is inspiring.

Reply

onlychildFTW | 33

#4553533 - Monday 11 June 2012 19:59

Don't sharks like it a little fishy? Haha.

Reply

KingCeltic77 | 18

#4556236 - Tuesday 12 June 2012 5:43

I would eat her. I'd eat her real well.

Reply

mannykatany | 9

#4564364 - Thursday 14 June 2012 5:17

Haha

Reply

angeluv_2014 | 22

#5557307 - Saturday 29 June 2013 3:59

Oh Red, what about Kitty??!

By Yousuck24 | 21

#4551491 - Monday 11 June 2012 9:06

Your girlfriend sounds like a funny person.

Reply

ummmhii | 0

#4551525 - Monday 11 June 2012 9:18

I love Shark Week. FYL for not watching it.

By dude1122332 | 9

#4551493 - Monday 11 June 2012 9:06

You should've. Probably would've learned something.

Reply

ThisIsMyReign | 4

#4551529 - Monday 11 June 2012 9:19

Like where the period does and does not go?

Reply

dude1122332 | 9

#4551533 - Monday 11 June 2012 9:21

DONT CORRECT MY ERRORS. Thanks and enjoy your flight.(:

Reply

exleonhart | 0

#4551542 - Monday 11 June 2012 9:26

Caps will deffinately convey your demands even better, when followed by a unrelated statement.

Reply

skizzars | 2

#4551769 - Monday 11 June 2012 12:30

Definitely*

By smilz2u | 0

#4551494 - Monday 11 June 2012 9:06

She got ya there hehe :)

By ICastillo | 24

#4551497 - Monday 11 June 2012 9:07

Well shark week is awesome!!! And at least she knows how to defend herself against a shark.

By RawEndo | 1

#4551502 - Monday 11 June 2012 9:08

Lmfao shark with no bite

By klovemachine | 24

#4551507 - Monday 11 June 2012 9:10

If the girlfriend is the size of a whale, then this FML becomes even funnier :D

Reply

SqueakyChipmunk | 20

#4555286 - Tuesday 12 June 2012 1:58

What's funny is that the poke in the eyes and nose punch remind me so much of The Three Stooges.

By AugustBurnsToast | 14

#4551517 - Monday 11 June 2012 9:14

Tell her you're a stingray?

Reply

exleonhart | 0

#4551535 - Monday 11 June 2012 9:21

Steve Irwin... Is that you?

Reply

Trisha_aus | 15

#4552400 - Monday 11 June 2012 16:07

RIP Steve...we miss ya! Although none of us talked like him..crikey!!