Today, while arguing with my boyfriend about how I wasn't a bad... - FML

By Anonymous - 10/1/2010 02:20 - United States

Today, while arguing with my boyfriend about how I wasn't a bad driver and could parallel park, I decided it was easier to just let him do it. Unfortunately, while getting out of the car to switch seats, I forgot to take the car out of drive and it ran into the car in front of us. He was right. FML

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Proactive

Instadrama

Billy no-mates

By Anonymous - 14/5/2012 10:39 - Australia

Today, after applying for a promotion to a position which I've been working my ass off for two years to get, my managers thought it would be appropriate to discuss other applicants in front of me, even asking me to compare my resume with theirs to see the "caliber" of what I'm up against. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/9/2014 07:32 - Australia - Rosebery

Today, my girlfriend visited my restaurant with some guy I'd never seen before. She introduced him to me as her "new boyfriend". She was always a cold bitch, but I never saw this coming. I had to serve their food while choking back tears, and I couldn't work up the nerve to spit in it. FML

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By BadBreath - 9/4/2009 03:43 - United States

Today, I was having a horrible day. I was laying on the couch, crying, when my dog came up on the couch to console me. I was thinking about how great it was to have a dog, because they're there for you when no one else is. As I was sobbing, I heard something. My dog farted into my mouth. Twice. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/8/2012 19:16 - Canada - Lloydminster

Today, on more than one occasion, I was mistaken for my boyfriend's mother, by his own family. FML

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By DrunkenShopper - 3/9/2012 05:24 - United States - Kirkland

Today, I woke up to a bunch of email notifications confirming all the drunken purchases I made last night on Amazon. Most of them can't be cancelled. This is the fourth time in a month. An "ironic" wolf-howling-at-the-moon t-shirt anyone? FML

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By Anonymous - 14/4/2012 05:41 - United States - Garden Grove

Today, my boss fired me because he wants to start dating my mother and apparently doesn't want it to be "awkward." FML

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By Tagged - 13/9/2009 02:35 - United States

Today, I accidentally left the tag on the new pants that I wore to work. Nobody had brought it to my attention for the whole day until finally, before I was about to go home, every single employee and my boss let me know by yelling in unison and laughing as I left the building. FML

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By Meaghan - 12/2/2013 17:41 - United States - North Myrtle Beach

Today, my maid of honor, who offered to take care of my wedding dress before the D-Day, left it near her open window during heavy rain. My dress is now ruined, and she's backed out due to stress. I'm supposed to be getting married tomorrow. FML

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By off the family - 17/6/2018 20:30

Today, my daughter apparently have had enough of my mother-in-law's favoritism and constant bashing at me by going: "Grandma, might I highly recommend death at this point." She's 7. FML

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By N/A - 26/5/2020 02:00

Time is of the essence

Today, my job offer from a Fortune 500 company was canceled because of the coronavirus. This is the third time this year a job I passed interviews and tests for got canceled. I’m an international student who just graduated last week. I only have 90 days to find a job to stay in the US. FML

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By chucklesman96 - 11/12/2016 20:34 - Canada - Westerose

Today, I got shot in the leg while taking a firearms safety course. FML

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By "Cass Lyles" - 22/12/2019 20:00

It was a phone call

Today, I was talking to my fiancé on the phone. I said "alright see you in 10 minutes babe". My boss must have thought I was talking to him because he said "alright (my name) see you later". FML

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By Anonymous - 14/9/2020 08:01

Sliced and diced

Today, our sons, who we thought were asleep, came barging into our room in the middle of the first blowjob my wife has given me in weeks. She was so shocked, she bit down and pulled away at the same time, tearing the big vein on the top of my cock. I had to go to hospital for blood loss and stitches. FML

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By badhabit - 31/5/2019 22:00

Today, I went out with my ex-girlfriend, with whom I have a good friendship with and am in fact still in love. I picked her up at her house and we had a perfect night together that ended with sex in my car. As I dropped her off, she turned to me and said, "I hope you know we're just friends." FML

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By Anonymous - 6/1/2012 15:50 - United States

Today, while in bed with my boyfriend, I accidentally let one slip. While thinking "maybe he didn't hear, maybe he's sleeping", the shaking of the bed from his laughter let me know otherwise. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/6/2013 15:20 - United States - Seattle

Today, I was meeting my boyfriend's family for the first time. The minute I stepped in the door his mother hit me in the face and kicked me out because I was "the slut her husband cheated on her with." My older sister and I look much alike. Too much alike. FML

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By Bummer - 30/10/2009 02:00 - United States

Today, I found my checking and savings account to both read $0.00. My parents transferred all my money to theirs because "I'm irresponsible, and not fit to handle money." I'm a 3.8 college student and have a full-time job. They are currently unemployed. FML

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By Medic - 29/10/2012 03:10 - United States - Puyallup

Today, at work as an EMT, I was telling a panicked patient that I would be taking her vital signs. I inadvertently said that I would be taking her vital organs. FML

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By Arthurie - 24/7/2012 23:44 - United States - Plainview

Today, I was in the hospital. I had recently broken my arm, and had to have it re-broken. I've secretly been a lesbian for years. Guess who came out to her strict Christian parents while on anesthetics. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/11/2009 17:51 - United States

Today, I found out that my daughter is dating my boss' daughter. I found this out because my extremely homophobic boss told me and wants me to 'heal' them or get fired. I didn't even know my daughter was gay. FML

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By phant776 - 13/5/2011 04:02 - United States

Today, I was pulled over by a cop. He asked for my license and registration so I reached for my center console. I was then greeted with a gun to my ear because my coffee cup supposedly looked like a gun. I stepped out of my car to apologize and I was hit with a big stick. FML

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By dislocated - 14/2/2018 20:30

How romantic!

Today, my boyfriend dislocated my jaw by sitting on my face while trying to fart on it. FML

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By streeted - 18/9/2010 14:27 - United States

Today, after selling some furniture and jewelry to make the rent this month, I woke up to find a foreclosure notice. The landlord hasn't paid the mortgage in 6 months, so I'm evicted anyway. FML

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By pissedandpoor - 15/4/2016 17:50 - United States - Meadville

Today, my wallet got stolen. I had a bunch of cash, my SS card and my license in it. Now I have to replace everything, only to have to renew my license again when I turn 21 in June. FML

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By neveragain - 16/3/2012 05:11 - Canada

Today, I gave in and let my friend give me a makeover. She couldn't find my eyelash curler, but decided that if she used scissors lightly, it would work just the same. Needless to say, it did not work. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/8/2012 16:31 - Singapore - Singapore

Today, at my job at the mall, our music malfunctioned and now will only play the same three songs over and over again. Our manager won't let us turn it off because "the customers won't notice". FML

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By Bookworm - 5/6/2013 17:02 - United Kingdom - Singapore

Today, I was on the tram, when an elderly couple got on. I stood up to give them room to sit together, but as I stood up, the tram set off and I went flying, knocking the elderly gentleman over. FML

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By sexychica - 21/7/2009 17:45 - United States

Today, I pulled up next to my boyfriend at a stoplight. He was in the back of a police car. FML

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By Raiders4ever - 21/10/2009 00:44 - United States

Today, I saw my son. I didn't know I had a son. FML

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By buckerooo - 3/12/2019 20:00

Too much feeling!

Today, my girlfriend and I were getting frisky when we decide to try the old 69. One thing leads to another when her clit ring went deep into my nose, and leaving me feeling like the wrong kind of bull. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/6/2009 05:40 - United States

Today, at my graduation for my high school GED, my parents said they were getting all my family and my girlfriend together. So we all went out to a steakhouse down the road, everyone ordered steaks. Turns out the 'surprise' was me paying. I only got 50$ grad money, and the bill was 159.98. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/11/2018 05:00

Today, I realized how bad my grey hair problem has gotten as I noticed I had grey pubes. I'm only 23. FML

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By ilovemybrother - 28/10/2009 00:29 - United States

Today, I got on my computer and saw my little brother had left his myspace page up with a message between him and his friend. They were talking about a plan to basically humiliate me in any way possible. It was called "Operation: Fat Cow." FML

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By cuteloser - 4/10/2014 13:57 - Australia

Today, I thought I would be cute for my 1 year anniversary with my girlfriend so I cooked a three course meal for her with candles and rose petals on the floor. She loved the dinner, except now she's passed out in a food coma upstairs while I'm left with the dishes. FML

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By oldskoolgrl - 29/3/2009 04:37 - United States

Today, I was denied acceptance to The University of Georgia. I was down all day so I decided to go to a party my friend was throwing. Thinking it would cheer me up, as soon as I arrive all I see is colleges on shirts, hats, and sweatshirts, most being UGA. It was a college acceptance party. FML

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By happybidet - 31/10/2016 13:02 - United Kingdom

Today, my girlfriend woke me with a surprise up on my birthday. Unfortunately, it was her screaming at the top of her lungs and punching me in the face because of a nightmare. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/8/2013 19:04 - New Zealand - Dunedin

Today, I had an awful day and angrily threw a glass at the wall. Needless to say, I didn't feel like cleaning it up, and I took a nap, intending to do it later. I thought I would remember the bits of glass everywhere when I woke up. I didn't, but my feet soon did. FML

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By artdegreemyass - 21/7/2012 21:14 - United States - West Palm Beach

Today, I was cashiering at Walmart, when a customer picked open a cold-sore on her lip before trying to give me her money with the same hand. When I freaked out and refused to take her money, she started screaming and threatening to sue me for "violating the First Amendment." FML

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By feelthesting - 6/7/2015 22:26 - Mexico - Aguascalientes

Today, I found out that my "mosquito bite" was in fact a jellyfish sting I got in Mexico, which has caused me to break out into horrendous hives in the airport waiting for the flight home. It's okay though, the plane is only delayed for 7 hours. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/12/2013 21:15 - Sweden - Uppsala

Today, I just about managed to convince the judge to overlook my client's emotional outbursts in the courtroom, promising that he'd be on his best behavior from now on. An hour later, he screamed "FUCK YOU!" at the judge for telling him to quiet down. I hate my job. FML

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Top comments

By Freeze_fml | 16

#765681 - Sunday 10 January 2010 9:03

There's cool thing called putting it in park.

By alexandraa_fml | 0

#765726 - Sunday 10 January 2010 9:27

A woman admitting a man is right? What has this world come to!?

COMMENTS

By Freeze_fml | 16

#765681 - Sunday 10 January 2010 9:03

There's cool thing called putting it in park.

Reply

Freeze_fml | 16

#765689 - Sunday 10 January 2010 9:07

Damn iPhone keyboard.

There's this cool thing called putting it in park.*

Reply

lifeinhd | 3

#766091 - Sunday 10 January 2010 16:23

No no no, this is all wrong! Neutral, handbrake, brick in front of a drive wheel, remove one tire just in case, stuff rag up exhaust to kill engine, disconnect negative battery terminal. Surely everybody knows this procedure.

Reply

dcbog123 | 0

#766576 - Sunday 10 January 2010 21:42

well women cant drive, so they should just never have to learn about any of that crap

Reply

Gibby_fml | 0

#964375 - Friday 19 March 2010 20:37

exactly!

Reply

hockey_66 | 0

#1733082 - Monday 22 November 2010 7:42

Of course he's right, he's a man...

Reply

CaptainDoorknob | 7

#4953960 - Thursday 20 September 2012 21:02

Women can't drive, it's actually a scientific fact. Women can't analyze things as good as men. There was a study about it.

Reply

Sinclair935 | 5

#5883153 - Wednesday 12 March 2014 19:17

Shoulda put it in "R" for Race.

By Kayem | 0

#765684 - Sunday 10 January 2010 9:05

dont listen to the guy before me. it happens to best of us sometimes. i hope ur car and the other car wasn't damaged too much :(

Reply

null_fml | 11

#765787 - Sunday 10 January 2010 10:21

I assumed by "us" she meant "us women".

Reply

Anteezy | 7

#765937 - Sunday 10 January 2010 13:50

Yeah but only not really. The best of who?

Reply

RunnerBack33 | 1

#1041154 - Thursday 24 June 2010 10:14

why the fuck are u driving anyway OP? stay in the goddamn fucking kitchen u ffucking whorebag. YDI

By beanerkid | 0

#765686 - Sunday 10 January 2010 9:05

Agreed number one.
Jesus, women are such shitty drivers.

By pwincessa23 | 1

#765700 - Sunday 10 January 2010 9:13

Jerkface!

By janise | 2

#765712 - Sunday 10 January 2010 9:21

Statistically speaking men are more dangerous drivers in general. Although I believe middle-aged female drivers are the worst out of everyone. Also, this OP makes all women drivers (including me) look bad.

Reply

alexandraa_fml | 0

#765722 - Sunday 10 January 2010 9:25

Statitically speaking, 5 out of every 6 people enjoy tossed salad.. but does that make it right?

Reply

Towelie_31 | 0

#765752 - Sunday 10 January 2010 9:47

statistically speaking, 1 out of 1 genetically advanced smart towel likes to get high, but does that make it right?

Reply

renaet | 0

#765818 - Sunday 10 January 2010 11:14

What a buzz kill izomiac. -_-

Reply

lifeinhd | 3

#766097 - Sunday 10 January 2010 16:25

What Pendatic said.

Reply

polico_wolf | 0

#766414 - Sunday 10 January 2010 20:24

Statistically speaking statistics are bull shit

By Rota | 0

#765717 - Sunday 10 January 2010 9:23

Women behind the wheel of a moving vehicle are a god damn danger to society. You're lucky you didn't somehow manage to cause a twenty car pileup while you were at it.

By nightkeeper | 0

#765723 - Sunday 10 January 2010 9:26

I guess it happens to drunk male driver too.

Reply

polico_wolf | 0

#766424 - Sunday 10 January 2010 20:26

I like how you said "drunk" :P

By alexandraa_fml | 0

#765726 - Sunday 10 January 2010 9:27

A woman admitting a man is right? What has this world come to!?

Reply

elPepe1127 | 1

#5093065 - Monday 29 October 2012 7:56

One where girls think duckface looks good.

By token_blackguy | 18

#765727 - Sunday 10 January 2010 9:28

you did 2 things wrong. 1. Thinking you as a woman should be allowed to drive.
2. Arguing with a man, while he was driving.

Reply

24788 | 6

#765751 - Sunday 10 January 2010 9:47

Pretty much sums it up.

By dude_sweet | 0

#765781 - Sunday 10 January 2010 10:11

don't try to say ur not supposed to argue with a man. ur wak. stop tryna be macho