Love: Today, when I left the restaurant, the very handsome waiter whom...

By Peel - France

Today, when I left the restaurant, the very handsome waiter whom I had been trying to tune all night says to me, in front of everyone "But why did you write your number on the table with hearts next to it? You know, I won't call you!" FML

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Love

BO Central

Billy no-mates

Basic Instinct

By ow - United States

Today, I was home alone in my apartment. I tripped over my dresser and fell and sprained my ankle. As I was laying there in agonizing pain, my downstairs neighbor shouted at me to shut up. FML

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By notakeeper - United States - Orlando

Today, my boyfriend wrote me a long poem that ended with, "Please don't get another mister / I regret I screwed your sister". FML

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By Shooter71 - France

Today, I discovered my wife has had more sex in the last two months than I've had in the last year. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Maybole

Today, a man asked about fishing in the river which flows beside where I work. I said you could, but anything you caught under 5 inches has to be thrown back. His wife then said, "Wish I knew that before I married him." I started to laugh. The man almost cried and complained to my boss. FML

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By Derps - Denmark

Today, my mother said she called our internet provider, and told them to cancel it. In rage, I left for a friends house for a couple of hours. When I got home, she told me she was joking, and wanted me out of the house so she could eat all the ice-cream. FML

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By fatgirl - United States

Today, I was eating pizza with my boyfriend and my friends. I was laughing and talking and went for another piece when my boyfriend grabbed my wrist and said that I had had enough. My friends all backed him up. FML

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By Jonny - United States

Today, as a recovering alcoholic, I called my brother to share the news that I've been sober for a month. He invited me to a bar to celebrate. FML

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By Jessica - Romania

Today, at 21 years of age, my doctor confirmed that I am, indeed, going bald. It wouldn't be such a bad thing, even expected, if I wasn't a woman. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Kingston

Today, my girlfriend dyed her hair from blonde to brunette. An hour later, she found one of her blonde hairs on my pillow, and accused me of cheating. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Coshocton

Today, my mom grabbed my phone, said she was taking it because I'd been disrespectful, and hung up my call. I'd been speaking with a work client. This is the gratitude I get for paying all her bills for the past 2 years, all because she's too lazy to get a job. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I was on the bus, when an elderly woman stepped in. She looked too weak to stand. She looked at me with her sad puppy eyes, expecting me to give up my seat for her. I felt sorry and got up. As soon as she sat down, she says, "Ha! Sucker!" She didn't look so cute anymore. FML

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By Jenn - United States - Atlanta

Today, I saw my older sister for the first time in three years. We hadn't spoke since I found out that she was the woman my college boyfriend left me for. Unfortunately, our reunion was fueled by her two-year-old son's desire to meet his dad. My husband. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - South Salem

Today, I tried to propose to my girlfriend, but I was so nervous that I had a panic attack, fainted and split my head open. My girlfriend then fainted at the sight of the blood. An onlooker had to call an ambulance for both of us. FML

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By no i'm sure you're a responsible parent - 9/4/2020 02:00 - United States

Parent #1 of the Year

Today, I got bitched out by some lady in a Walmart because I looked at her funny while she was on the phone, loudly bragging about "slapping the shit out of" her kids. FML

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By No money, mo' problems - United States

Today, I witnessed an elderly lady getting mugged. I ran over to the guy mugging her and offered him the money in my wallet in return for him leaving her alone. The old lady snatched my money and ran away with the mugger. What the hell just happened? FML

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By minimazing

Today, my husband of 5 months admitted he is jealous of my dog. I've had the dog for 16 years. He admits to wanting to drop it off at the shelter while I'm at work. FML

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By Baldy

Polly Want a Wax

Today, I was using pre-waxed strips to wax my eyebrows when my parrot investigated by walking through them. He then screamed, flew into my hair, thrashed around, and got stuck. I now have two bald spots and two parrot bites. FML

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By goldenshower - United States

Today, I woke up at a guy's house drunk and soaked in my own pee. I had passed out with all my clothes on. Since I was late for work and didn't have a change of clothes, all I could do was throw my jeans in the dryer. I had to sit all day at work in crusty pee pants. FML

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By noneofthesex - United States

Today, I sent a text to my boyfriend saying 'Come over and do me.' He never responded. FML

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By Machine - Japan

Today, I asked to borrow my fat friend's pants for a semi-formal activity tomorrow. I figured I'd just get a belt to hold the pants up. Turns out, the pants fit me. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Saint Petersburg

Today, I gave my boss a report I wrote on my own time, full of suggestions on how to increase productivity and profits at our company. He said my ideas made "about as much sense as pistol-whipping a ghost" and that I was impressing no-one. FML

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By Nobody - United States

Today, I found out that my wife had an affair with our marriage counselor. FML

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By thanks ma - 29/5/2020 02:00

Today, on Judge Judy…

Today, all of my credit cards were frozen due to fraud. The culprit? My own mother. She rationalized it by saying I "owed" her for raising me. She didn’t even raise me. My grandma did. FML

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By Poolfool

Today, I went to play pool with a couple of friends. I'm not very good at this game. My friend beat me fair and square. Twice. He's blind. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my hate for my mother-in-law now outweighs my love for my husband. FML

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By phatkroger10 - United States

Today, I was selling cookie dough for a fund raiser at an old folks home. One lady ordered a box and told me that she loved cookie dough. I told her it'd be here in 4 weeks, she said "Oh I can't wait!". Not really thinking, as I left I said, "I hope you can make it till then!". FML

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By higagram - United States

Today, I bumped into a lady in the New Jersey airport. After I politely apologized she said, "Watch your step, asshole." FML

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By theyarefarapart

Today, I found out that my classmates affectionately refer to me as "the kid whose eyes are really far apart." FML

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By Whoops - United States

Today, I discovered the guy that sits next to me in class is actually a girl. Not only is that bad, but we had to write a paper about each other. I used the words "him" and "he", and read it to the whole class. FML

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By iscreamforicecream - United States

Just a prank, bro

Today, while I was sleeping, my girlfriend took my phone and set the ringtone to a bloodcurdling scream. I found this out when I received a call while driving to work and, thinking someone was being murdered in my backseat, I panicked and swerved into a parked car. FML

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By Somethingtoworryabout

Today, I couldn't help but laugh at my girlfriend because she always becomes paranoid when she's around cars. I found her reaction cute and told her that "there's nothing to worry about". A car ran over me two hours later. I'm in a hospital now. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I started my new job at a small business. I was pretty excited to finally be working, until I found out the big boss is a creeper and sees no problem making comments such as "You're way more interesting than the rest of these slope-eyed fucks." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went through the drive through at Dunkin Donuts and asked for an iced coffee. After no response I start frantically screaming about bad service. After a while, the woman comes out to my car and says, "Please pull up to the speaker." I yelled at a garbage bin for 5 minutes. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, at work while on the toilet, somebody came into the stall next to me and gave a loud play by play of every fart, plop, and grunt. He then asked loudly who I was and when I didn't answer put his head under the stall to look at me. FML

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By Biggie - United States

Today, I was walking with my girlfriend when she began skipping ahead of me and out in to the street. I saw a car coming right at her so I tackled her to the ground to save her. Turns out the car was stopping and was never going to hit her, and my girlfriend doesn't appreciate concussions. FML

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By ...loud noises...urgh... - United Kingdom

Today, I have my first university lecture on lab safety. Having gone out the night before with my house-mates, I have the worst hangover of my life, and have to listen for an hour and a half while they loudly demonstrate the types of alarms we'll hear in different kinds of emergencies. FML

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By rholt - United States - Baldwin City

Today, as I was taking out the trash, I spotted my cute neighbor doing the same. In a rush to get out before he went back inside, I slipped on my iced-over porch. I passed out and woke up with a note on my chest saying, "I unlocked your door but you were too heavy to drag inside". FML

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By Catscratch - United States

Today, I walked into the kitchen and saw a note my roomate posted. As I got close to read it I was attacked by a very pissed off cat. The note said "Left window open last night, stray cat got in. Watch out he isn't friendly." FML

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By ugly5402 - United States

Today, I was playing around on Photo Booth, using weird effects on pictures of myself. I clicked on one and thought to myself that it was a really ugly effect. Then I noticed that it was set on normal. FML

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By anonix - Canada

Today, a customer came in with a laptop smashed beyond repair. She asked if we could recover her files, but thanks to my idiot boss' new store policy I had to ask her a bunch of questions, including if she had tried "turning it on and off". She stared at me, speechless, like I was a complete moron. FML

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Top comments

By mjane | 0

#85905 - Monday 6 April 2009 3:31

that is cleeearly FML material, who the hell says something like that to someone? he could have just not called. he didn't have to be a dickhead in front of everyone

By nonstopsand | 0

#132885 - Wednesday 22 April 2009 17:24

perhaps now you and all the females that read this know how guys feel when we are so commonly regected. it takes guts to aproach someone only to be treated like crap. kudos for contributing. and yes, fyl ;)

COMMENTS

By alex_vik | 0

#13885 - Wednesday 4 March 2009 5:24

It's obvious he wasn't interested in you. Deal with it and move on. You got rejected, that's not an FML.

blackmeadow | 0

#2390613 - Saturday 23 April 2011 3:34

wow really ya try got rejected but it was funny and it was rude todo it in front of everyone

dforrt | 0

#3512056 - Sunday 30 October 2011 6:56

The FML was that he said this IN FRONT OF everyone. That was the point, and u missed it

By Mr_Wong | 0

#44295 - Friday 20 March 2009 3:57

I agree with #3

This is truly not FML material, you got rejected, so what? I've been rejected far too many times to remember and I've never had a girlfriend, yet I don't think my life is f***ed, I keep trying my luck elsewhere.

By mjane | 0

#85905 - Monday 6 April 2009 3:31

that is cleeearly FML material, who the hell says something like that to someone? he could have just not called. he didn't have to be a dickhead in front of everyone

By nonstopsand | 0

#119324 - Friday 17 April 2009 16:27

OWNED!

By nonstopsand | 0

#132885 - Wednesday 22 April 2009 17:24

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

By yanarach | 0

#161031 - Saturday 2 May 2009 1:44

lol.
I bet he did call though. xD

By ANTONKR | 0

#346669 - Saturday 27 June 2009 18:07

that sucks. French women are evil

By benisajosher | 0

#587309 - Saturday 26 September 2009 5:27

Fake.

By exotica_fml | 6

#914812 - Thursday 4 March 2010 21:56

damn! that sucks hes rude..

By nomnommonster | 0

#952331 - Tuesday 16 March 2010 3:52

But who writes on the table of a public restaurant? Eh, rejection happens. It doesn't matter in the slightest.