Today, when done feeding my newborn, I stated to my husband that...

By Heifer - 16/5/2009 21:41 - United States

Today, when done feeding my newborn, I stated to my husband that I'm a cow. He said, in a sincere tone, "Oh, baby, you'll lose the weight soon." I meant cow because I'm producing so much milk. FML

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Love

Family values

Doomed

Workaholic

By Anonymous - 23/10/2013 04:43 - Canada - Winnipeg

Today, I had an anxiety attack when I learned that my favorite book series is coming to the end. I had to leave the store and sit in my car. FML

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By stalked - 8/1/2014 20:27 - United States - Boca Raton

Today, to avoid a guy who's been creepily following me around school lately, I ducked into the girl's bathroom. After few minutes, he stuck his head in with his eyes closed and asked if I was done yet. FML

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By NinjaWafflesx - 15/12/2011 15:20 - United States

Today, my mother hacked my Facebook and broke up with my boyfriend and pretended to be me. She told him if he ever talks to me again, she'll call the cops. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/11/2010 14:20 - United States

Today, I went back to work after being sick for a week. While I was gone, they hired a new manager. Trying to score bonus points, and possibly a raise, I went to shake her hand and introduce myself. Just as I was about to say "Hello, my name is-" I sneezed right in her face. FML

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By f*ck - 2/5/2012 16:22 - United States

Today, I had a date with the girl I've been interested in for months. I'm pretty laid-back and casual with my friends, which backfired and caused the date to end with a slap, when I greeted her with a friendly "S'up, slut?" FML

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By Anonymous - 23/11/2014 17:46 - United States

Today, I held the door open for an old lady, before realizing she was a teacher taking 20-plus kids to lunch at local burger joint, all of whom got in front of me in the line to order. FML

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By justin Bieber - 15/6/2015 14:49 - United States - Westland

Today, I was on a boat and I thought I saw a towel fly off, but it was actually my fricken dog. FML

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By crazylobster - 14/11/2009 16:52 - Australia

Today, I noticed that in my cover letter I wrote "I also have an eye.", instead of "I also have an eye for details.", and I have been sending it out for the past few weeks. No wonder I haven't gotten any replies. FML

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By Chicketi - 11/2/2009 14:45 - Canada

Today, I cut myself on a band-aid box, while trying to get one out for another cut. FML

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By tiredofbullshit - 8/1/2016 06:06 - United States - Littleton

Today, my dad took my car keys off my keychain and hid them from me. His reasoning was, "I don't want you to be driving during the winter." Guess who has to walk ten miles a day to work, through the New England snow. FML

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By dexter - 15/1/2009 15:07 - United States

Today, I had lunch with a couple of my friends and a guy I like. Another guy I have a crush on came and ate with us too. After lunch, one of the guys I have a crush on told me the other guy I like is sexy. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/4/2009 21:47 - United States

Today, my boyfriend of two years, who is a fabulous guitarist and singer, told me he wrote me a song. I was so excited. Turns out it was a break up song. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/2/2010 20:44 - United States

Today, I was in school and spotted my girlfriend in the hallway. I wanted to be all romantic and grab her like guys do in movies. I grabbed her wrist forcefully and pulled her out of the crowd. As I quickly leaned in to kiss her I broke her nose. FML

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By Colleen - 18/1/2009 23:14 - United States

Today, I bought a party bowl of Bud Light for a get-together. Around midnight, I realized that I didn't have the tap to get the beer out. Fifty-five cans of untappable beer and no more beer money. FML

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By scheisse - 14/7/2013 21:25 - Germany - Herne

Today, I held a house party. For fun, I made sure all the beer was alcohol-free, so I could see which of my friends would be weak-minded enough to end up acting drunk. Three did. I was one of them. FML

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By luckygirl - 6/6/2019 12:09

Today, I have a bad cold, so I've been carrying tissues around with me. I noticed our puppy had pooped on the floor, so I grabbed a napkin and cleaned it up, then threw it away. I then blew my nose with my tissue. Apparently, I threw away my tissue and used the napkin. FML

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By Noalixah - 27/10/2008 02:22 - Finland

Today, in the early hours of the morning, a worker started drilling the road right in front of my window. He stopped 5 minutes before my alarm clock rang. FML

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By Loopy - 7/5/2019 06:00 - Belgium

Today, I had to buy more supplies for the cat my friend asked me to pet sit for 2 weeks. Her 2-week vacation ended over 3 years ago. FML

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By tootles - 22/5/2009 20:08 - United States

Today, I was kicked out of my parents house. I was sleeping in my truck bed because I had nowhere to go. I awoke to a "beep beep beep" noise. I was being towed while sleeping in the truck bed. FML

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By fucking hate bitches - 24/12/2016 21:27

Today, I realized that the girl I like only replies to my snapchats if I include my dog in the picture. FML

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By Mygawdwhy - 21/1/2018 01:30

Today, I gave my mom an extra pillow since the ones in the guest room were too flat and hurt her neck. Hours later, I remembered that I'd stashed my vibrator in that pillowcase during a romantic camping trip with my husband. She found it. FML

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By Reek - 22/6/2016 14:29 - United States

Today, I told my friend I'm going vegetarian. He's now calling me "Reek" after the guy from Game of Thrones, because I'm apparently a "dickless loser" now. FML

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By bigdawg702 - 26/9/2009 05:34 - United States

Today, I told my girlfriend of 9 months that I was ready for marriage and start having kids. She hasn't called or texted me since. FML

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By Loose Goose - 24/10/2018 12:00

Today, I went on a coffee date. It turned out to be a mistake - not because he was bad, but because I forgot how much coffee upsets my stomach. Yup, it makes me need to poop, and I did. In my jeans. As he drove me home. Not quite the "run" of fun we’d planned. FML

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By sad - 5/5/2011 14:40 - United Kingdom

Today, I discovered that my new boyfriend is the type of guy who, when there is a conflict, will just scream "I LOVE YOU" over and over hoping that it will solve itself instead of actually trying to work the problem out. FML

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By awwman - 10/4/2012 02:33 - United States

Today, my dad found out that there is a free, 24 hour, 7 days a week religious channel. Now that's all he watches. FML

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By wtf?! - 30/5/2020 05:00

Purple rain, purple rain

Today, out of boredom, I decided to dye my hair. I clumsily spilled some of the purple dye on my chest and shoulders. My insane mother is convinced the marks are hickeys I got from sneaking out and having sex with a boyfriend I don’t even have. She won’t listen, and I’m grounded for a month. FML

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By Elisa_LmR - 3/1/2014 23:28 - France

Today, like every other day for many years, I have a phobia of bananas. This evening, the phobia came to a head when I had a nightmare in which I was stabbed to death by a gang of walking bananas. FML

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By alittlepersonal - 5/10/2012 05:59 - United States - Lewis Center

Today, my mom decided to subtly bring up her desire for grandchildren. "You really need a girlfriend. I'm surprised you don't have a crippling case of Carpal Tunnel by now." FML

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By Anonymous - 1/10/2011 16:21 - United States

Today, I gave a man a cigarette. He spent the rest of the day so far following me around, telling me all about his medical history, and chasing after me when I got too far away. I couldn't get rid of him for hours. FML

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By wickedbeauty333 - 26/9/2012 22:54 - United States - Katy

Today, while having sex with my boyfriend, he came. This was a good thing, except when he did he started bellowing the Imperial March theme from Star Wars. When I asked him about it, all he said was, "I thought you'd like it." FML

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By technologyfail - 26/8/2009 06:18 - United States

Today, I discovered a bunch of emails from my old account that weren't forwarded to my new one. Because of this, I missed a job offer and all the emails from my long distance boyfriend asking if he could visit. I still don't have a job and I broke up with him because he "failed to communicate." FML

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By lalala2494 - 27/5/2019 22:05

Today, I said, "Bless you" when someone sneezed on television. That's how lonely I am. FML

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By so racist - 25/6/2020 02:02

No, of course she's not…

Today, my mother burst into tears when I told her I was engaged. They were not tears of joy, however. She was crying because although she insists she’s "not" racist, she was crying because none of her grandchildren would be "pure." My fiancé is black. FML

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By anon - 7/2/2010 00:28 - United Kingdom

Today, I heard that there's a rumour going around that I was caught masturbating while crying at a party after the girl I liked got with someone else. FML

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By depressedkiwi - 15/7/2020 08:01

Weight watcher

Today, I found out my mother-in-law is trying to force me to lose weight, even though I am trying, and have a medical condition. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/12/2012 23:17 - United States

Today, I checked my sister's diary, because I was worried about her recent angry and withdrawn behavior. She caught me in the act, and my mom, whom I've caught blatantly snooping through my stuff multiple times now, grounded me for my "disgusting" violation of my sister's privacy. FML

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By nubbins - 26/1/2010 06:56 - Canada

Today, I got a message from my ex saying how sorry he was for everything he did. He also said that if he wasn't getting married and having a kid we could still be together. We broke up a year ago. FML

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By Noname - 1/2/2009 04:29 - United States

Today, my little sister and I were reading a book together and out of nowhere, she said "I love you". My heart melted and I told her that I love her too. Then she told me that she was talking to her stuffed animal, not me. FML

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By lovethyneighbour - 4/8/2014 00:19 - Australia - Berowra

Today, my neighbour casually mentioned that he sold my car's GPS that I'd let him borrow. He figured I wouldn't be needing it anymore since I lost my license. FML

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Top comments

By strawberry_78 | 0

#204747 - Sunday 17 May 2009 1:58

Ah, I could understand his mistake, double meaning! You said it!!!

By umlautasaur | 0

#204758 - Sunday 17 May 2009 2:00

I don't see how this is an FML. You have baby weight. Your husband isn't making a huge deal of it. BTW, "cow" is usually synonymous with being overweight. All mammals breastfeed.

COMMENTS

By grlwitperlEring | 0

#204743 - Sunday 17 May 2009 1:57

Haha wow well at least he tried to catch himself

2gether4ever | 0

#976700 - Friday 9 April 2010 5:19

...you walked RIGHT into that one.

cloverpi314 | 4

#983871 - Friday 23 April 2010 1:35

haha!! this one IS funny!!

sulitak | 27

#5495626 - Friday 17 May 2013 10:52

I'm not seeing the "catch himself" part... but I mean he was being an awesome hubby!

By wowfmlife | 0

#204744 - Sunday 17 May 2009 1:57

hahaha, you should have been more specific

noah1213 | 0

#2610362 - Friday 3 June 2011 5:18

bo burnham :D!

By strawberry_78 | 0

#204747 - Sunday 17 May 2009 1:58

Ah, I could understand his mistake, double meaning! You said it!!!

By invisibledamage | 2

#204752 - Sunday 17 May 2009 1:59

*facepalm*

mnbbv | 0

#977538 - Sunday 11 April 2010 2:35

lol u said it... this happened yo me too...

By Darkalex256 | 0

#204754 - Sunday 17 May 2009 2:00

Next time dont make fun of yourself Lessons of life lol

By kmander93 | 0

#204755 - Sunday 17 May 2009 2:00

Awwwww that sucks....

By manoverboard | 0

#204757 - Sunday 17 May 2009 2:00

...well, isn't it good that he said you'd lose it, though?
At least he didn't say anything mean.
:/

By umlautasaur | 0

#204758 - Sunday 17 May 2009 2:00

I don't see how this is an FML. You have baby weight. Your husband isn't making a huge deal of it. BTW, "cow" is usually synonymous with being overweight. All mammals breastfeed.

laurendrew | 2

#1034187 - Thursday 17 June 2010 23:23

8, I don't see how this is a FML either. He could of said
"Damn right, you're a fat bitch, now go make me a sandwich."
which would be worse? :D

kyliebear | 15

#5012643 - Saturday 6 October 2012 20:09

I don't think so. Cows produce milk, so if you produce milk you're like a cow. Overweight people would be known as pigs or something like that.

Edit: Also, no offence to pigs in this comment.

By CaPtAiN_Co | 0

#204767 - Sunday 17 May 2009 2:02

oh man. who cares? it has a double meaning. plus i'm sure you are a cow from just having a baby.. don't be so sensitive

By Darkalex256 | 0

#204779 - Sunday 17 May 2009 2:04

umlautasaur is a cow..