Today, when done feeding my newborn, I stated to my husband that...

By Heifer - 16/5/2009 21:41 - United States

Today, when done feeding my newborn, I stated to my husband that I'm a cow. He said, in a sincere tone, "Oh, baby, you'll lose the weight soon." I meant cow because I'm producing so much milk. FML

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Love

Alexa, play "Paranoid" by Black Sabbath

DINOSAURS!!

Nice neighborhood

By eatmywords - 5/7/2011 07:06 - Singapore

Today, I laughed when I saw my ex-girlfriend in her overall uniform, thinking she'd got a job as a janitor. Turns out she's as professional marine welder. She's 22 years old and earns my monthly salary in three days. My current girlfriend who was there with me called me a loser in front of her. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/1/2013 15:28 - Australia - Chatswood

Today, my husband and I finally agreed on something: marriage counseling. FML

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By Puick - 26/12/2013 23:50 - France - Sonchamp

Today, I went to a party organised by my ex. I was the last to sit down, after looking at the nametags on all 50+ chairs. That's how I realised the chair labelled "Fuckface" was mine; the one located between her parents' seats. FML

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By AwwChute - 21/2/2010 01:53 - United States

Today, I got stuck in my apartment's garbage chute. FML

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By troll of a gran - 8/1/2013 17:10 - United States - Oklahoma City

Today, I took my grandma to what I thought was a nice movie. An actor used the word "cunt", which prompted her to ask what that word meant in a loud "whisper". She followed up even more loudly with, "Does that mean pussy?" FML

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By enriquegay - 28/3/2009 17:17 - United States

Today, my girlfriend dropped me off for a class and I accidentally closed my exceptionally baggy pants in the passenger door. She didn't notice and started to drive away. I spent the next fifteen seconds being dragged across rough pavement with my pants around my ankles. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/8/2019 18:01

Today, I got a haircut. During dinner, my grandmother complained about it, and said I looked terrible. I've had the exact same haircut for years. FML

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By ohnomommy - 3/3/2020 06:01

Kids are assholes

Today, I was in line at a gas station with my 3-year-old daughter. A "little person" was in line in front of us, buying a pack of cigarettes. My daughter yelled, "No little boy! Only grown ups can smoke." FML

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By HappyBirthdayISuppose - 1/4/2013 05:03 - United States - Westminster

Today, for my birthday, the only "gift" my parents gave me was the gift of choice: I got to choose which one of them I'll be living with after their upcoming divorce. This was the first time I'd heard anything about a divorce. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/1/2013 00:21 - Canada - Corner Brook

Today, my boyfriend gave me lingerie from Victoria's Secret. He then added that his mother picked it out. FML

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By "vinyl_mermaid" - 2/3/2017 14:00

Exterminators are expensive

Today, in an effort to rearrange my bedroom, I planned to reroute my internet cables under my house. Then I found out about the black widow infestation. FML

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By Scholar - 16/6/2011 16:03 - United States

Today, my professor spent the entire class showing us how to make paper airplanes. I pay over 40 grand a year for college. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/5/2019 23:00

Today, my husband argued that it's not cheating if he's using his brother's Facebook account to talk to other women, because they think it's him. FML

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By hard_headed - 10/9/2010 10:02 - United States

Today, at work, I leaned back in a chair too far, causing me to tip over and smash my head into a wall. If that wasn't enough damage, my boss keeps replaying the security footage to everyone I work with. My head hurts not from the fall, but the loud laughter that keeps coming from inside the office. FML

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By duncan74 - 10/12/2014 03:23 - France - Balma

Today, my cats found a new game to play. They each sit on either side of the cat flap, and take turns hitting it. Clack, clack. Clack, clack. At 3 am. Clack, clack. Clack, clack. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/4/2017 12:00 - United States

Today, I don't know what's worse, the fact that my hair sheds so much, or the fact that I find most of it in my butt crack. FML

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By Yuuucky - 26/9/2011 16:58 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend showed me a YouTube video of him popping a huge blackhead on his forehead. He told me he had been "growing" it for more than 2 years now. I have been caressing and kissing that thing for almost 2 years because I thought it was a beauty mark. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/12/2014 19:36 - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, I posted a photo on Facebook showing a side-by-side view of me before and after I'd tried out my new makeup. My dad commented, "What is this, Gollum cosplaying an Orc?" My mum, brother, and over 20 "friends" liked his comment. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/8/2009 22:17 - Australia

Today, I competed in a ballet competition and made the finals, while I was on stage awaiting the results, I sneezed really loudly and snot went flying all over the stage. When I went to accept my award the woman presenting it refused to shake my hand. FML

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By mrboston - 1/9/2009 23:44 - United States

Today, my college roommate whom I've never met moved in. Good thing I wasn't completely naked, playing with myself on the couch when he walked in. That would've been awkward. FML

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By ~Mr.Void - 9/10/2010 03:12 - United States

Today, my friends and I got front stage tickets to our favorite band. Being my first concert, we planned to start a small mosh pit in the back. I got knocked out by my bestfriends elbow and was rushed to the hospital, during the first song. FML

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By mandapanda - 2/2/2011 18:22 - United States

Today, as I was driving to work in the aftermath of a terrible blizzard that came through my area last night, a lady slid through an intersection and hit my car, totaling it. I called my boss and told her what happened, only to have her tell me that we were closed due bad roads. No one told me. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/9/2015 05:45 - Canada - Victoria

Today, I was confiding in my grandma about how lonely I am and how everything in my life seems to be falling apart. While I was in mid-sentence, she rolled her eyes and made a show of removing her hearing aid. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/11/2019 01:00

Everyone knows my secret.

Today, I was hanging out with my little sister (11 years old) and she turns to look at me, out of the blue and flat out, and asks me "what kind of porn do you watch?" So, then I told her I watch girlxgirl. Now, my whole Catholic family knows I'm bisexual. FML

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By gnownayrgnow - 8/5/2011 05:05 - United States

Today, I decided to be extra nice to my girlfriend by washing all the dishes and folding all the clothes. She thought I was being "too nice" and hypothesized that I was cheating on her. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/8/2009 23:45 - United States

Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex. After about 10 minutes, while we changed positions, he shouts, "Power Rangers - It's Morphin' Time!" FML

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By Anonymous - 23/1/2015 06:33 - Canada - Sherwood Park

Today, my boyfriend uploaded a pic to snapchat that said "the love of my life." It was a pic of our beautiful baby girl. Then he uploaded another pic that said "the 2nd love of my life." It was a pic of the fuel truck he drives for work. FML

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By Muwz - 13/8/2014 04:28 - France - Paris

Today, at the beach, I noticed a plastic bag in the water. I wanted to do something good for a change, help protect the environment and get it out. It wasn't a bag; it was a jellyfish. FML

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By awkwardpaul - 22/11/2013 10:18 - United Kingdom - Sheffield

Today, I sent a group text round to my friends asking if they wanted to hang out sometime. One of my friends thought this was aimed directly at her and confessed her love for me. FML

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By godhatesme - 10/12/2011 08:45 - United States

Today, while pulling into my driveway, I slightly bumped into something. My wife. I'll be sleeping on the couch for a while. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/2/2013 01:08 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I had to yet again explain to the guy I live with that just because you can't see dirt, it doesn't mean it's clean. And so letting his dog lick the plates is NOT the same thing as washing up. He won't listen to me, and he uses my plates. FML

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By lebowski101 - 3/11/2011 01:45 - Canada

Today, I was invited to a party to celebrate my ex-fiancée's recent engagement. The party is at work, because my ex is also my boss. Her new fiancée is some guy she met while on a "business trip" that happened while we were still engaged. FML

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By Druggie - 7/2/2017 09:00 - United States - Culver City

Today, after a week of being tired and depressed, I realized my bottles for anti-depressants and muscle relaxants had gotten switched around. FML

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By A.W - 24/6/2012 13:57 - United States

Today, I received an acceptance letter to Juilliard. After showing it to my mom, she tells me I can't attend because Robin Williams graduated from Juilliard, and he now has too much facial hair. FML

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By fmylifegirl - 29/12/2010 20:59 - United States

Today, my girlfriends and I got a caricature painting while on a trip in the city. Unfortunately for me, the part of my appearance that the artist decided to exaggerate was my acne. FML

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By Alex - 26/3/2009 04:42 - United States

Today, I realized my friends and I should be more careful what we say around my younger brother. I never thought he was paying attention until today. My stepmom told him it was time to go to bed. He responded, "I think it's time for you to suck one." My brother is 4. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/7/2018 10:30 - United States - Anchorage

Today, I woke up from surgery to find that the chronic warts on my right hand hadn't been removed. The doctor informed me that they'd grown into my radial nerve, so impossible to remove without permanent paralysis. My immune system sucks, so this is just in my hand forever. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/7/2019 22:00

Today, I visited with my cousin on her deathbed. When I asked what she was doing, they replied that she was sleeping. Next thing out my mouth without thinking was, "She can sleep when she's dead." FML

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By shitty candles - 1/12/2014 07:30 - United States - Issaquah

Today, I dug out the 5 fancy, extremely expensive candles I bought during Black Friday. I lit one up, and was delighted that it smelled so great. My mother then walked into my room and stated that it smelled "like shit". The other four were going to be a Christmas gift for her. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/2/2017 04:00

Today, I met my teacher after school to talk about a paper on which he gave me a low grade. I told him that I felt it was wrongly graded and he agreed. He lowered my score. FML

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Top comments

By strawberry_78 | 0

#204747 - Sunday 17 May 2009 1:58

Ah, I could understand his mistake, double meaning! You said it!!!

By umlautasaur | 0

#204758 - Sunday 17 May 2009 2:00

I don't see how this is an FML. You have baby weight. Your husband isn't making a huge deal of it. BTW, "cow" is usually synonymous with being overweight. All mammals breastfeed.

Comments

By grlwitperlEring | 0

#204743 - Sunday 17 May 2009 1:57

Haha wow well at least he tried to catch himself

2gether4ever | 0

#976700 - Friday 9 April 2010 5:19

...you walked RIGHT into that one.

cloverpi314 | 4

#983871 - Friday 23 April 2010 1:35

haha!! this one IS funny!!

sulitak | 26

#5495626 - Friday 17 May 2013 10:52

I'm not seeing the "catch himself" part... but I mean he was being an awesome hubby!

By wowfmlife | 0

#204744 - Sunday 17 May 2009 1:57

hahaha, you should have been more specific

noah1213 | 0

#2610362 - Friday 3 June 2011 5:18

bo burnham :D!

By strawberry_78 | 0

#204747 - Sunday 17 May 2009 1:58

Ah, I could understand his mistake, double meaning! You said it!!!

By invisibledamage | 2

#204752 - Sunday 17 May 2009 1:59

*facepalm*

mnbbv | 0

#977538 - Sunday 11 April 2010 2:35

lol u said it... this happened yo me too...

By Darkalex256 | 0

#204754 - Sunday 17 May 2009 2:00

Next time dont make fun of yourself Lessons of life lol

By kmander93 | 0

#204755 - Sunday 17 May 2009 2:00

Awwwww that sucks....

By manoverboard | 0

#204757 - Sunday 17 May 2009 2:00

...well, isn't it good that he said you'd lose it, though?
At least he didn't say anything mean.
:/

By umlautasaur | 0

#204758 - Sunday 17 May 2009 2:00

I don't see how this is an FML. You have baby weight. Your husband isn't making a huge deal of it. BTW, "cow" is usually synonymous with being overweight. All mammals breastfeed.

laurendrew | 2

#1034187 - Thursday 17 June 2010 23:23

8, I don't see how this is a FML either. He could of said
"Damn right, you're a fat bitch, now go make me a sandwich."
which would be worse? :D

kyliebear | 15

#5012643 - Saturday 6 October 2012 20:09

I don't think so. Cows produce milk, so if you produce milk you're like a cow. Overweight people would be known as pigs or something like that.

Edit: Also, no offence to pigs in this comment.

By CaPtAiN_Co | 0

#204767 - Sunday 17 May 2009 2:02

oh man. who cares? it has a double meaning. plus i'm sure you are a cow from just having a baby.. don't be so sensitive

By Darkalex256 | 0

#204779 - Sunday 17 May 2009 2:04

umlautasaur is a cow..