Intimacy: Today, well actually last night, I did a full striptease for...

By ... - France

Today, well actually last night, I did a full striptease for my girlfriend to "You can leave your hat on". When the song was over, I was then completely naked, she says to me : "Maybe we should have closed the shutters!" FML

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Intimacy

Walk on the wild side

Bitch ass move

Kitchen nightmares

By fuck - Canada - Cowansville

Today, about 30 seconds into my first blowjob, my girlfriend threatened to cut my balls off if I didn't "just fucking cum already". FML

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By loser. - Canada

Today, I dove into the water perfectly, and my bikini bottoms came off. I splashed around nervously. This guy must have thought I was drowning, and dove in to save me. He emerged from the water carrying a half naked girl. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, was parent appreciation day at my daughter's KG class. On the stage, each child was asked to define each parent in one word. When it was my daughter's turn, she looked at me hard, thinking. Finally, in the end she said, "My daddy is very fat." Everybody stared. FML

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By prince-charming - Kuwait

Today, I was acting as Prince Charming for a 5 year old's birthday party. After my scene at the ball, the narrator asked the kids, "Was the Prince handsome?" and they all replied with a chorus of "Nooooo!" FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I mailed out a college application that is going to another country. I paid $250 for the application and $11 for shipping. I just realized that I forgot to sign the bottom of the application. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was eating lunch at McDonald's when an older man sat down at the table next to me and told me I was the most beautiful girl he'd ever seen. I'm a 20 year old man. FML

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By kiwi2323 - United States

Today, my intoxicated husband asked my very conservative parents how their sex life is now that all the kids are out of the house. FML

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By Arielle - Australia

Today, I went to the hospital emergency room to visit my boyfriend who had badly sliced his leg open. It ended with me being admitted with a possible head trauma, after hitting my head on the wall and floor as I collapsed at the sight of his wound. FML

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By YouAREthefather - United States

Today, I ran into my ex-boyfriend at the store, holding hands with his very pregnant girlfriend. They were buying baby supplies. We had a very nasty and painful breakup not even three months ago. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, for the first time ever, my boyfriend of one year told me he loved me. He was calling me by collect call from the county jail. FML

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By Grounded - United States

Today, my parents told me that they've been having a contest to see who could punish me the most this week. So far, my mom is in the lead by kicking me out of the car near railroad tracks, and making me walk the 4 miles home in the freezing rain. FML

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By Cheryl

Go, Vegan!

Today, my vegan sister told my kids where meat and dairy products come from, in a very detailed way. They now refuse to eat meat, and want to, "rescue all the poor animals." FML

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By notpregnant - Italy

Today, I woke up with a pillow under my t-shirt. Turns out my boyfriend wanted to 'see if I would look hot even when pregnant'. We've been dating for three weeks now. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Niles

Today, my mother had to ask me when my birthday was, because she gets it confused with the day she bought our old car. FML

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By jruth7 - United States

Today, after being in Europe for a month, I got home to find my door wide open and all my stuff gone. I called my dad who was supposed to be watching my house. He told me I should have had someone check on my place while I was gone. FML

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By Anonymous - 11/2/2021 16:01 - United Kingdom

This is war!

Today, my flat has turned into a pigsty. My flatmate decided to make the lounge his bedroom and it looks like a bomb's hit it. I haven’t been able to sleep, as he doesn’t sleep at night and talks to friends all night long or plays loud music. FML

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By Singlewife

Today my husband got drunk and wrecked the house. And when I say wrecked the house, I mean ripping everything off book shelves, Tearing the ceiling fan out of the wall, Opening the fridge and shoveling everything out. Glass everywhere. etc. and this isn’t the first time. I clean up every time. FML

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By mandinga - United States

Please?

Today, my husband asked me for permission to have an affair with his hot secretary. FML

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By wils - United States

Today, after work, I peeled a parking ticket off my windshield. It was so hot that the ink from the ticket made a stamp on my windshield. Now I have a permanent reminder staring me in the face wherever I drive. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, a guy who annoys me walked over. To avoid speaking to him, I pretended to be on the phone and he walked away. A few moments later, my phone rang. I looked around to see if he'd seen me. He had. He was the one ringing me from down the hall. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I took my grandma to the hospital to visit her estranged husband who she hasn't seen in years. After a thoroughly disasterous visit, we're waiting in the carpark and my gran strokes my face and tells me I have a lot of facial hair. I thought she was going to thank me. And I'm a girl. FML

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By argfarblewarblearble - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I was laying on the couch, listening to music. I guess my brother noticed that I was yawning a lot, because when I opened my mouth and yawned again, he dropped one of his rancid toenail clippings into my mouth, then broke into hysterical laughter at my freaking out. FML

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By adam - France

Today, my mom woke me up and asked if I wanted breakfast. I had passed out naked on the kitchen floor after a party. FML

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By Anonymous - Ireland

Today, I was getting funny looks all day. When I got home I realised that I was interrupted while doing my make-up this morning and completely forgot to fill in my second eye brow. FML

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By virginat16 - United States

Today, I got a call from a restricted number. When I answered, it was a prank call. The kids on the other end had porn on high volume and put the phone next to the speaker. Way to remind me that I'm still a virgin. FML

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By chumman - United States - New York

Today, I met this overweight chick and ended up sleeping with her. We were doing it doggy style and it was great until she said, "Milk me like a cow." I can no longer drink milk without hearing that in my head. FML

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By ugh - United States - Philadelphia

Today, after my parents left for the weekend, my "friends" decided to throw a party at my house despite my protests. In order to get them to leave, I called the police. I was the only one arrested, while they got warnings. FML

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By meeee - 13/2/2021 23:01

Nice to see you

Today, I saw my 89-year-old grandmother naked. She just moved in with us and apparently, she has an "open door policy." FML

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By Bilibók Renáta

Today, I drove my car into a fence because a spider was crawling from the mirror. The police laughed their asses off. One of them asked, "What should I write in the report? That she got scared of a spider?" Then he wrote just that. FML

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By zks

Today, I received yet more mail for my ex-fiancé. We've been broken up for nearly a year and I've told him multiple times to change his address. Getting his mail is a constant reminder that I haven't dated since. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/12/2020 22:02 - United Kingdom - Isleworth

Hello, Goodbye

Today, I left my job, fulfilling my one month's notice after receiving a job offer from a much better-paying role. After saying goodbye to everyone, I left the building. Not 2 minutes later, the company who was offering the new job called to say they'd changed their minds, and there was now no longer a job on offer. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, I had a note to skip P.E. that my grandpa had written because my mom was busy. His handwriting is terrible, so they didn't believe that he'd written it. I'd twisted my ankle and I got to run another mile for "lying". FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Pittsburgh

Today, I farted at a crowded concert, and people started commenting on said fart. I specifically went out of my way to eat certain foods all day so that it wouldn't happen. FML

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By thisisme - Canada

Today, I was on a plane. When my flight attendant brought me my drink, it had a lid and a straw. He told me, very seriously, "not to spill." No one else got a lid. I'm 18, and apparently I look spill-prone. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Dalton

Today, this beautiful girl that I've known for a long time told me that she just can't date me anymore because I remind her too much of her cat. FML

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By Steph - Bulgaria

Today, I realized how much I hate my apartment. Not only can I hear my creepy upstairs neighbor having sex with random hookers every few night, I can also hear him everytime he takes a shit. I honestly don't know which is worse. FML

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By Gail - 5/4/2021 00:30

Missed opportunities

Today, I told my wife I walked away from a £5000 bet I had a good chance at winning, because I refused to embarrass myself in public. She responded with a Star Trek reference, "Dignity and an empty sack is worth the sack, rule of acquisition 109." My god, I married a heartless nerd. FML

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By Lady Bloodshart of the Redwater - United States - Arlington

Today, while at a restaurant, my date shat himself. He spent the entire meal pretending nothing had happened. FML

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By francesa_loca - Canada

Today, my father started drinking a little early. At some point, he got hungry and decided to boil eggs. He started a dozen, drank some more, and passed out on the couch. When I came home, all the water had boiled off and the eggs had exploded all over the kitchen. I'm still cleaning up the mess. FML

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By wolf boy - United States

Today, I went to the park with a girl I like. She got playful and climbed a tree, insisting I come up, too. While we were sitting and enjoying the view, she suddenly knocked me off the branch, sending me crashing to the ground. FML

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Top comments

By prophetsam | 12

#6324 - Tuesday 24 February 2009 7:44

Hope you didn't give the Granny across-the-way a Heart Attack! LOL!

By laut_fml | 0

#36649 - Tuesday 17 March 2009 4:56

Don't sweat it man. If she left the blinds open then even better! Seriously, you did that for her. That's pretty cool and anyone who saw it and saw her is probably thinking "Damn, lucky guy"

COMMENTS

By prophetsam | 12

#6324 - Tuesday 24 February 2009 7:44

Hope you didn't give the Granny across-the-way a Heart Attack! LOL!

By laut_fml | 0

#36649 - Tuesday 17 March 2009 4:56

Don't sweat it man. If she left the blinds open then even better! Seriously, you did that for her. That's pretty cool and anyone who saw it and saw her is probably thinking "Damn, lucky guy"