Today, we were having a family get together at my house. Because... - FML

By waltzy777 - 26/4/2009 08:12 - United States

Today, we were having a family get together at my house. Because of this, i had to mow our lawn to make sure it looked nice. I got a little bored and decided it would be funny to cut a rather large penis into my yard. right when i finished, i ran out of gas. My 83 year old grandmother saw. FML

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Boozehound alert

Incognito browsing

This is fine

By Anonymous - 23/11/2014 10:03 - Canada - Ottawa

Today, the Salvation Army stationed one of their obnoxious bell-ringers in the mall right outside my store. My employees and I can wave goodbye to any form of sanity for the next month. FML

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By bent & broken - 24/8/2018 16:30 - United States - Hot Springs Village

Today, I was lost on a dirt road when it started raining and I got stuck in the mud, so I walked 5 miles to a farm. They brought their tractor and pulled me out, but then my key broke off in the ignition. It's my birthday and I can't get home for the party my wife planned. FML

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By ZINGER - 14/11/2009 06:02 - United States

Today, I woke up to find that I left my headlights on last night. I found out by the headlights of my car smashed and a post-it note on my windshield saying "you accidentally left your headlights on... I took care of that for you". FML

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By louie - 31/1/2012 20:17 - United States

Today, I went to see a doctor about some of the memory problems I've been having. After the appointment, I could barely remember a thing he told me. FML

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By ruffrider - 5/2/2009 14:09 - United States

Today, I decided to send my boyfriend a pic text of me naked. I accidentally sent it to my dad and got a text back saying, "You definitely take after your mom." FML

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By Anonymous - 1/8/2012 05:51 - United States - Colorado Springs

Today, my sister and I were watching the Olympics. Michael Phelps was on the screen, and I was thinking how hot he is. My sister commented on how he looks so much like our brother. I can never look at either of them the same way ever again. FML

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By Rochelle - 25/7/2012 06:14 - United States

Today, I took a picture of myself seductively eating an apple. I don't know what I'm doing with my life. FML

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By Randomm - 12/12/2019 20:00

So cute

Today, I was walking into my school and I saw two girls kissing. Being a lesbian myself, and thinking it would be cute, I winked at them. I guess one of them had a history of cheating with a girl who looked just like me, because her girlfriend came up and punched me in the face. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/10/2009 14:06 - Canada

Today, I met my girlfriend's parents for the first time. I was on their bed having sex with their daughter. FML

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By peaaaak - 3/6/2011 10:17 - United Kingdom

Today, my dad came round to the house. Looking rather pleased with himself he pulled out his phone, grinned, and chucked it over to me. I glanced at the screen to see a naked woman. He smiled and said "I tapped that last night". FML

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By fckdsamaritan - 16/12/2010 19:35 - Tunisia

Today, I helped a man with a neck brace get on the bus. I fell asleep, only to wake up later on to him gratuitously stroking my breasts with his elbow. FML

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By Julieworld - 24/4/2020 08:00

Recycling helps

Today, I was able to find the Facebook profile of my ex-boyfriend’s girlfriend, for whom he left me for. I had been curious about who she was, and when I zoomed in on her profile pic of them together, I noticed she was wearing the ring he'd got me for Christmas and that I'd given back to him. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/11/2010 20:16 - United States

Today, I got home late after a long day at work and all I wanted to do was take a shower and go to bed. As soon as the water in the shower was hot, I got in. One minute, I was standing and the next I was fast asleep at the bottom of the tub. I woke up with my face swollen and my shoulder bruised. FML

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By guamfml - 3/6/2009 00:10 - Guam

Today, I was cleaning my father's study room and wondering why I did not receive my acceptance/rejection letter from a college I really wanted. I found the acceptance letter, on his desk, also approving of a full scholarship. The deadline to confirm was a month ago. FML

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By Kyle - 20/6/2019 20:06

Today, I celebrated my 30th birthday by accidentally knocking my fiancée’s tooth out with her glass as she tried to a sip. FML

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By HP_22 - 1/12/2009 16:17 - United States

Today, I was the only employee at a video store where I work when it got robbed. After crying, shaking and spending two hours and dealing with the police, my boss called and told me it was good experience and I would know what to do next time, then made me finish my shift, the night shift, alone. FML

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By Umwhat - 19/6/2019 02:01

Today, my boss wanted to talk to me. Nervous, I went to her office. Turns out that my coworkers talk about me behind my back, and my boss is worried about me. Apparently, I lie about my bad knees, and me wearing black leggings is horrible. Most of them wear sweatpants on a daily basis. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/9/2010 04:13 - United States

Today, Burger King gave me a moldy bun. I noticed 1/5 of the way through the sandwich. My compensation for ingesting mold? A coupon for half-off a Whopper. FML

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By bettercallpeta - 15/2/2013 05:42 - United States

Today, I saw my neighbor's delinquent kid shooting squirrels with a BB gun. Shocked and furious at his cruel behavior, I told him to stop, with the threat of telling his parents. He responded by shooting me in the nuts and running away in a fit of laughter. FML

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By housematefromhell - 21/7/2018 21:29

Today, my housemate revealed her supposed loss of function of her arm was all a lie. I spent hours in the ER with her and had to go to work the next day. Last time she lied about cancer. I'm stuck sharing with her for another 7 months. FML

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By married to a nerd - 7/6/2018 20:30

Today, I asked my 4-year-old daughter where her father went. She said, "Out to have fun with Zoe." Acting on suspicion, I followed him and did a stakeout. Hours later, I barged in and caught him playing Dungeons and Dragons. "Zoe" is the female wizard he plays as. FML

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By LacrosseFAIL - 16/7/2016 22:33 - United States - Schaumburg

Today, after a long day at work, I walked into my room with the lights off and jumped on my bed. At least I would've if I haven't rearranged my room and instead face-planted onto my desk. FML

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By jgw - 7/4/2017 00:00

Today, I was certain that over the six years of struggling through my Ph.D., I had culminated in one truly original idea. Until I saw it published in another thesis, from 1953. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/7/2014 23:16 - United States - Salem

Today, I asked my class of fifth graders to write down a list of all the compound words they knew. At least four of them put down 'motherfucker'. FML

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By nothungry - 29/7/2009 00:47 - United States

Today, after four years of anorexia and lots of recovery, my parents took me out to dinner with my counselor and whole family to celebrate my progress. I ended up eating something that made me vomit everything I ate. My parents now think I am bulmic and are sending me back to counseling. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/8/2020 02:01

Today, on "Dr. Phil"…

Today, my dad got upset when one of his employees showed a romantic interest in my mom. Both parents were totally fine, though, with that same employee announcing his engagement to my 15-year-old sister. FML

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By Just me - 9/9/2011 23:48 - United States

Today, I found out that the man who offered to put up the woman I love in exchange for me helping out with his rent, has in fact been her "other" boyfriend since before she moved in. FML

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By BaMiTsAnYa - 16/9/2013 01:21 - United States - Orlando

Today, as I was getting my nails done at a salon, the owner pulled my head back against the chair in front of all the customers and began to tweeze my eyebrows. When I exclaimed that I didn't pay for that service, she replied, "I don't care. This needs done." FML

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By lpspann87 - 25/4/2011 17:02 - United States

Today, I moved to Florida because I have poor circulation and need to be in a warm environment. The first day at my new job, I discovered my co-worker is an overweight man who wears a wool suit every day, and insists on keeping the office chilled to 65 degrees. I can't feel my fingers or toes. FML

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By anonymous - 3/6/2013 04:41 - United States - Banner Elk

Today, feeling the need to spice things up in our sex life, I dressed up in my husband's navy uniform jacket, hat, and a pair of heels. When he came into the room, he took one look at me and started laughing uncontrollably. FML

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By sabotaged - 2/11/2015 00:05 - United States - Oakland

Today, I got fired from my dream job. I found out today that the girl who trained me lied and taught me how to do things wrong, so that when she got back from maternity leave, she could get me fired and take her job back. My new coworkers were in on her plan from the beginning. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/4/2014 10:12 - Malta - Qormi

Today, after a dental appointment, my lips were numb. On the bus on my way back home, the cutest girl smiled at me. In attempt to smile back, I forgot my lips were numb and ended up spitting my chewing gum at her. I had to switch buses. FML

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By picklebug - 26/7/2013 16:25 - United States - Minneapolis

Today, I was taken to the hospital after I fell down the stairs. The physician who saw me bit his lip and said he would have to amputate my foot, and I fainted in terror. One of the nurses later told me to "learn to take a damn joke." FML

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By mommymo - 16/9/2010 10:59 - Australia

Today, while tearfully telling my closest friends that I had miscarried my first pregnancy, the first thing out of their mouths was, 'So, does this mean you're going to start drinking with us again?' FML

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By Mewsmash - 1/1/2016 16:23 - United States - Dublin

Today, my father told me he hasn't brushed his teeth for 30 years: he just wipes them with paper towels. I don't know whether to be horribly disgusted, or horribly jealous that he has never gotten a cavity. FML

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By link - 26/5/2018 18:30 - United States - Edmond

Today, I got my final exam back. I got a 50/100. I didn't know it had a back side. FML

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By insulted - 15/11/2011 17:48 - Canada

Today, I was denied membership to an all-women's gym. Why? Because "men are not permitted to join". I am and have always been female. FML

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By Anonymous - 12/4/2020 08:00

Keep your distance

Today, my roommate told me she had developed a rash on her armpits, which causes them to be itchy. The doctor told her the only way to heal it is to not wear deodorant for a month. FML

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By thatonekid - 27/7/2009 23:10 - United States

Today, my best friend told me she was pregnant over the phone. While in the middle of telling her congrats, she told me it was with my boyfriend. FML

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By Theslacker... - 9/11/2017 16:00 - United States - Coplay

Today, a number of people came to visit me in the hospital, including my grandparents. They called me "weak" and "a cowardly millennial" for going to the ER instead of sucking it up, and blamed me for rising healthcare costs. I had a compound fracture. FML

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Top comments

By 24788 | 6

#144567 - Sunday 26 April 2009 16:05

HAHA owned, that's not so bad though. She's 83 and has probably been through enough to not care.

By goode48 | 0

#144584 - Sunday 26 April 2009 16:07

how the fuck do you do that haha thats some creativity

COMMENTS

By hootersgirl09 | 0

#144564 - Sunday 26 April 2009 16:04

hahaha you're an idiot! get a life haha, but it was clever. and why would your grandma care? shes 83, shes definitely seen it all and gone through it all.

btw FIRST! hahaha i always thought it was annoying when people do that but finallyyy it feels awesome! :]

Reply

americuzz | 8

#1122706 - Thursday 22 July 2010 7:30

lol

Reply

lilwaynerockz_fml | 12

#2962542 - Sunday 24 July 2011 4:45

yay. my life is completed because I got first.

By Succubus_Maid | 0

#144566 - Sunday 26 April 2009 16:04

fail

Reply

tylerbro | 3

#3784987 - Sunday 25 December 2011 5:25

Im sure your grandmother has seen PLENTY of penis' in her day.

Reply

maniaccy | 8

#5591201 - Sunday 21 July 2013 22:21

I've seen this fml so many times

By 24788 | 6

#144567 - Sunday 26 April 2009 16:05

HAHA owned, that's not so bad though. She's 83 and has probably been through enough to not care.

By JimmyR_1988 | 0

#144569 - Sunday 26 April 2009 16:05

wow, so fake.

By Bondace | 0

#144572 - Sunday 26 April 2009 16:05

Considering she is your grandma, I'm pretty sure she has seen a penis before.
YDI though.

By reetah | 0

#144574 - Sunday 26 April 2009 16:06

how old are you? really, with that level of maturity...

but hey, who's saying the grandmother didn't enjoy it? :P

By goode48 | 0

#144584 - Sunday 26 April 2009 16:07

how the fuck do you do that haha thats some creativity

Reply

ItsOkayImWhite | 0

#2498592 - Thursday 12 May 2011 16:41

^ exactly

I'd be fucking proud of myself if I could do that, and I'd show it off XD

Reply

justhadtosaytht | 0

#4698845 - Tuesday 17 July 2012 9:53

1. Get perm marker and normal white/blackboard marker
2. Draw a penis with the perm marker
3. Disguise it as a cat with the normal marker
4. Wait till class starts :D

By lax2319 | 0

#144589 - Sunday 26 April 2009 16:08

dumbass.
you should've made little circles coming out from the top.

By sLap_fml | 0

#144596 - Sunday 26 April 2009 16:11

haha what is with guys and their obsession to draw pictures of penis's ?

Reply

xander2347 | 0

#1929864 - Wednesday 5 January 2011 4:56

girls will never understand

Reply

justhadtosaytht | 0

#4698843 - Tuesday 17 July 2012 9:51

It's fun.

By plethora | 3

#144598 - Sunday 26 April 2009 16:11

She's seen a lot worse.