Today, we were driving home from NYC to Knoxville after our flight... - FML

By kanepie - 5/7/2019 04:03

Today, we were driving home from NYC to Knoxville after our flight got cancelled, and we had to drive with 3 strangers for 13 hours. We are now stuck in Who-Knows-Where, Virginia, with two blown tires, because a metal plate fell off an 18-wheeler in front of us. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1684

You deserved it

109

Tweet

Share

Ghosted

Gordon Ramsey called, you're an idiot sandwich

Business savvy

By Anonymous - 28/11/2014 17:17 - United Kingdom

Today, I was locked out of my house. As I was about to knock on the window to ask my girlfriend to let me in, I saw her on the sofa, digging a huge booger out of her nose and eating it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36214

You deserved it

4627

Tweet

Share

By Sarah - 1/1/2013 15:15 - United States

Today, instead of the traditional midnight kiss, my husband handed me divorce papers. FML

I agree, your life sucks

49957

You deserved it

5527

Tweet

Share

By Sam - 14/10/2017 04:30

Today, I went to the doctor to get my swollen lymph nodes checked. As it turns out, they aren't swollen. I'm just fat. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2875

You deserved it

871

Tweet

Share

By ZAS - 18/4/2009 17:51 - Canada

Today, at the daycare center that I volunteer at, a 5 year old boy asked me "What do you do when you really want something?". I told him to try his best to get it and give it his best. He ended up stealing from the donation box and when he was caught he said that I told him to do it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

54509

You deserved it

6220

Tweet

Share

By SensitiveTech - 26/11/2018 12:00

Today, I was loving on a dog at work. I noticed her fur was coarse and short and I'd never felt anything like it before. I broke out in hives all over my face. This happens whenever I'm around any cats, guinea pigs, or rabbits and now some dogs apparently. I'm in school to be a vet tech. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2554

You deserved it

448

Tweet

Share

By Cnscott0205 - 17/11/2019 14:00 - United States - Denver

Big one

Today, I accidentally touched someone's boobs. It was a man. And I noticed that they were bigger than mine. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1693

You deserved it

235

Tweet

Share

By BigLove - 5/2/2014 02:25 - United States - Stoneham

Today, Facebook put something out that shows a video of your entire life on the website. A part of it showed your most popular status update. Mine was from when I got dumped at Christmas. FML

I agree, your life sucks

52359

You deserved it

5280

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 27/7/2016 20:32

Today, when the power went out, my wife said it was too bad we couldn't have sex by candlelight since she had just started her period. The only time she brings up sex is when we can't do it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

21339

You deserved it

1690

Tweet

Share

By Alisterine - 24/8/2014 17:31 - United States - Chesterfield

Today, I had to flush someone else's shit in the public washroom at work. It was so vile, I didn't want to get anywhere near it, so flushed it with my foot, only for it to slip off the handle and into the toilet. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41131

You deserved it

14536

Tweet

Share

By Daughter of the year - 11/3/2015 00:19 - Brazil - Rio De Janeiro

Today, while discussing my grades with my mother, she told me that when she was my age she was dumb but hardworking, and my dad was lazy but very smart. She then added, "You managed to get the worst out of each of us." FML

I agree, your life sucks

31689

You deserved it

3592

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 29/6/2009 05:07 - United States

Today, I had my boss and his family over for dinner. Our kids played while waiting for dinner to be ready. Just as we were sitting to eat, our 8-year-olds ran out and my son says "Look at Baxter! I found underwear with a tail hole!" They had found my crotchless panties and put them on the dog. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43655

You deserved it

12489

Tweet

Share

By jannister - 13/8/2012 19:25 - Germany - Bad Blankenburg

Today, my mom threw my tampons in the garbage and said that from now on, I'll be buying pads instead. Turns out she read a scare story going around by email that all the local teens are soaking their tampons in alcohol and inserting them anally to secretly get drunk. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33773

You deserved it

2134

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 28/2/2012 02:12 - United States

Today, I found out my wife cheated on me with a guy from her work three times, two months before I proposed to her. She decided to tell me three months into our marriage. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37482

You deserved it

2627

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 28/9/2013 04:02 - United States - Escalon

Today, my insane war veteran great-uncle punched me in the throat for not laughing hard enough at his stupid joke. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44486

You deserved it

4934

Tweet

Share

By Sammy - 25/2/2013 07:25 - Canada - Ottawa

Today, I came home to find that while my husband and children were mindlessly watching TV, one of our dogs got into the cupboard that stores the deep fryer. He got the lid off, ate all of the old oil and barfed everything up on the couch. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33077

You deserved it

4619

Tweet

Share

By Rhea - 28/10/2009 11:00 - Australia

Today, I won a raffle organised by a friend. I discovered one of the "prizes" was actually a present that I had given to her, that she had "loved". When I asked her where she had gotten it, she said, "Oh, just some crap someone gave me once." She didn't even remember that I had given it to her. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36021

You deserved it

3684

Tweet

Share

By uhmwow - 25/10/2016 00:50

Today, I got fired from my job. A coworker that strongly dislikes me convinced my boss I took a day off because I was going to a Trump rally. FML

I agree, your life sucks

12642

You deserved it

949

Tweet

Share

By imsorrytimmy - 2/4/2009 15:34 - United Kingdom

Today, I was on MSN with my friend and my 9 year old brother. My friend asked me for some advice about how to give a guy a good blowjob. I went into great detail, and then realised that I had typed it to the wrong window. I gave my little brother tips on how to perform fellatio. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26882

You deserved it

113929

Tweet

Share

By ash - 14/1/2011 18:22 - United States

Today, after staying up all night at my friend's house, I woke up to something I couldn't identify on my cheek, so I slapped it away. When I heard crying, I opened my eyes and realized it was my friend's three year old sister who was trying to be sweet by kissing me on the cheek. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36043

You deserved it

16080

Tweet

Share

By Doglover - 2/11/2017 14:00

Today, I went jogging. It was cold but I dressed lightly because I overheat when I exercise. Unfortunately, I locked myself out. My wife returned four hours later to find me spooning our dog in the doghouse to keep from freezing to death. FML

I agree, your life sucks

3790

You deserved it

917

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 6/5/2020 23:00

Yummy

Today, I decided to have some bagels. It was only after I ate them that I looked at the cream cheese and discovered that it expired 3 years ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks

468

You deserved it

1756

Tweet

Share

By no spare - 19/12/2016 19:22 - United States - Marquette

Today, I woke up to find out that the two front tires on our van were flat. Now we won't have a vehicle all week since the tire shop is booked solid. We just went through this with the rear tires two weeks ago. FML

I agree, your life sucks

6042

You deserved it

715

Tweet

Share

By Indoraptor - 14/11/2009 12:59 - United States

Today, I went to see the cast list for the new musical I'm in. I didn't get the part I wanted, and instead I got the part of one of the suitors. Interestingly, they made me the suitor to my ex. And the guy she leaves me for at the end of the musical is the guy she left me for in real life. FML

I agree, your life sucks

46294

You deserved it

3108

Tweet

Share

By Vac - 5/4/2009 14:12 - United States

Today, I went to my boyfriend's house to meet his parents. They informed me they were lawyers throughout the meal, which explained the gorgeous house. My boyfriend excitedly told them I was promoted manager at my job. They asked where I work. I work at Burger King. FML

I agree, your life sucks

59449

You deserved it

8684

Tweet

Share

By juvenile friends suck - 10/1/2013 20:52 - Germany - Tangstedt

Today, I was in the elevator, when a big bearded guy stepped in, wearing a dress. It's not an uncommon sight where I live, but my friend cracked up and asked him if he was wearing underwear. He took it as a challenge, and I can safely say that no, he was not. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41952

You deserved it

6731

Tweet

Share

By szinna - 7/6/2009 19:14 - United States

Today, in an effort to seduce my husband, I laid in bed caressing myself. He walked in, looked at me, and said, "Is the ground beef in the freezer still good?" When I answered yes, he turned and walked out of the room. FML

I agree, your life sucks

57897

You deserved it

6746

Tweet

Share

By fruitoftheloom - 9/3/2015 05:13 - United States - Scottsdale

Today, my girlfriend took off my pants for the first time. She was more impressed by the pattern on my boxers than by my cock. FML

I agree, your life sucks

37773

You deserved it

7224

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 12/1/2017 17:09

Today, I got fired from my first-ever job. Via text. I hadn't even started the first day but I'm expected to drive an hour and a half to my now ex-boss's house to return the key. FML

I agree, your life sucks

6255

You deserved it

470

Tweet

Share

By aianmoo16 - 1/5/2016 21:52 - United States - Chicago

Today, I was at a mini arcade and accidentally put a hundred dollar bill through the quarter machine. FML

I agree, your life sucks

11345

You deserved it

9089

Tweet

Share

By peanutprobs - 31/10/2014 21:12 - Germany - Bochum

Today, my friend took our prank war too far when he secretly added peanuts to my food. I have a peanut allergy. FML

I agree, your life sucks

38733

You deserved it

3322

Tweet

Share

By babysitter - 6/1/2011 05:57 - United States

Today, I was on a walk when I ran into the woman whose kids I babysit. We had a quick chat, and I noticed she had just blown her driveway clean. As I left, I said "You did a nice blow job!" FML

I agree, your life sucks

28564

You deserved it

14245

Tweet

Share

By Whoops - 20/10/2011 04:36 - United States

Today, at my job in a nursing home, the State Department of Health inspected us, during which a dementia patient repeatedly screamed that I always hurt her. This was the first time that I'd ever seen her. FML

I agree, your life sucks

31722

You deserved it

1976

Tweet

Share

By Jim - 31/7/2019 04:00 - United States

Today, I went to the hospital for wrenching pains in my abdomen. It turns out I have the largest "non removable" kidney stone my doctor has ever seen. It's the size of a fucking walnut. I have to pass the thing. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1982

You deserved it

97

Tweet

Share

By accountingclown - 21/1/2017 00:23

Today, I travelled cross-country to interview for my dream job. The team seemed to love me and I had a lot of fun. In the airport on the way home I saw a news report that the company is closing. FML

I agree, your life sucks

7584

You deserved it

563

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 14/7/2020 20:01

Age appropriate

Today, I got refused a Red Bull because I didn't have my ID on me and you have to be over 16 to legally buy one. I'm 26 and was paying for petrol for the car that I was going to drive away in. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1314

You deserved it

511

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - 11/7/2014 11:03 - United States - Boston

Today, on the bus, a little boy gave me the dirtiest look, pointed at my pregnant stomach, and menacingly said, "I know what you did." FML

I agree, your life sucks

57012

You deserved it

7655

Tweet

Share

By :( - 27/1/2014 22:31 - Algeria

Today, I woke up after a night out partying only to find I'd wet the bed. I was so ashamed that I rolled my girlfriend into it to avoid taking the blame. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23240

You deserved it

62161

Tweet

Share

By 30Jenna - 13/7/2011 22:01 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me on my Facebook wall. 27 people liked it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

47627

You deserved it

6276

Tweet

Share

By jshum - 13/9/2016 15:02 - Australia - South Yarra

Today, I bought a new phone. It's shock proof, water proof, you name it. Just not kitten proof, it seems. That's $400 down the drain. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13108

You deserved it

1916

Tweet

Share

By Dog fart - 13/2/2010 16:08 - United States

Today, my dog farted next to my CPAP sleep/breathing machine. The machine sucked up her fart, compressed it, and promptly injected it up both of my nostrils. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44339

You deserved it

3873

Tweet

Share

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By RichardPencil | 28

#7818291 - Friday 5 July 2019 4:48

Are you hearing the banjo music yet? And who in your party has a “purty mouth?”

Someone’s gonna be squealin’ like a piggy...

By BurnInDemonFire | 30

#7818557 - Saturday 6 July 2019 3:34

At least it's not snowing!

COMMENTS

By RichardPencil | 28

#7818291 - Friday 5 July 2019 4:48

Are you hearing the banjo music yet? And who in your party has a “purty mouth?”

Someone’s gonna be squealin’ like a piggy...

By BurnInDemonFire | 30

#7818557 - Saturday 6 July 2019 3:34

At least it's not snowing!

By merican_redneck4 | 11

#7819060 - Monday 8 July 2019 3:57

Did you make back here to Knoxville