Today, we had a sprint race in gym class which I wasn't looking... - FML

By dan - 19/11/2011 04:54 - Reserved

Today, we had a sprint race in gym class which I wasn't looking forward to because I'm a little chubby. The race started and I shot off as fast as I could, somehow in the lead. Everyone was cheering. When I was nearing the finish line I turned around, only to see the race hadn't started yet. FML

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Does it taste good?

Vultures

Rich people problems

By Anonymous - 2/2/2013 23:03 - Belgium - Schepdaal

Today, I went to a club with my girlfriend and her buddies. An hour in, I saw her making out with a guy on the dance floor, so I confronted her. She stormed off to the bar and said something to her friend, who then came over and angrily slapped me across the face. Yeah, I'm confused too. FML

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By Aintnosunshine - 31/12/2009 03:48 - France

Today, I attended a speed dating evening. After 7 minutes, the girl told me she wasn't interested. I asked her at what point of the conversation she had made up her mind, she answered: "When you said 'Hello'. Goodbye". FML

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By Anonymous - 9/1/2011 01:11 - United States

Today, I found out that my wife was having sex with my friend. It turned out that my genius cat realized it wasn't me there and attacked his balls, severely cutting them. I now have to kill my cat and pay for his medical bills to sew his balls back. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/8/2014 21:03 - Canada - Toronto

Today, my girlfriend took our prank war way too far and had a package sent to me at home. Confused, I opened it. It contained a dildo and a bottle of lube. I didn't know my dad was watching over my shoulder until I heard him choke on his coffee and felt it splash over my neck. FML

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By LH0026 - 6/8/2011 09:28 - United States

Today, I learned from the noise outside my window that construction workers start their days at 5 AM. FML

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By MLS - 14/2/2009 23:19 - United States

Today, I wore the belt that my stepfather has spent 2 months needle pointing, as a finishing touch he added my initials: 'fml'. FML

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By le_evan - 29/10/2012 20:49 - United States - Los Angeles

Today, I had sex with this guy I had been crushing on for five years. It took longer to put my clothes back on than he lasted. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/9/2009 02:53 - Canada

Today, was my wedding day and I had been preparing my speech for my husband for about 3 months. At the wedding, I poured my heart out to him. Did he do the same? My husband forgot about it and right before the wedding, took his from his first marriage and changed the name. FML

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By stonehengeva - 27/7/2015 03:00 - United States - Virginia Beach

Today, the drive-thru lady at Taco Bell broke my debit card and tried to hide it by wrapping it in a receipt. FML

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By AmyLeigh - 26/8/2012 04:18 - Canada - Edmonton

Today, I took my puppy for a walk around town. I had to stop and explain to several people that yes, his head was purple because my little sister wanted to make him look like a Na'vi from Avatar. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/12/2016 13:16 - Australia

Today, my extremely lazy colleague received a promotion with benefits, while I was fired for "not being a team-player". I had stayed quiet about her constant negative behaviour because my supervisor said we needed to "have each other's backs". While I was protecting hers, she put a knife in mine. FML

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By Anonymous - 19/1/2016 14:18 - United Kingdom - London

Today, I was fired. Not only was I fired with no warning, not only was my friend the one who fired me, but I was fired from the unpaid volunteering position I took to help her out. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/11/2014 06:30 - United States - River Falls

Today, my boyfriend lied about having herpes, and used it as an excuse to dump me. FML

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By Kylee Day - 27/8/2019 06:00

Today, my boyfriend and I had sex for a second time. Then when I was getting dressed with him sitting there next to me, there was a silence. He thought to fill it, he'd grab my hand and fist-bump me. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/10/2012 05:18 - France - Saint-renan

Today, at the age of 57, my dad got a unicorn tattooed on his shoulder. FML

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By Andy - 16/12/2009 20:43 - United States

Today, a mother and son were in my office. The kid wasn't feeling well and threw up. Mom covered his mouth with her hand, creating a vomit nozzle and covering me in puke. She yelled that I deserved to be sprayed on because I was not quick enough in getting a bucket for her son. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/12/2010 06:13 - United States

Today, I was messing around with my boyfriend, trying to get him to tell me he loved me more than KISS, his favorite band. He couldn't do it. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/5/2013 11:13 - United States - Saint Petersburg

Today, I woke up to my dad emptying a water bottle on my head, because I needed to "get up for school" or I'd be late. FML

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By GoogleOFF - 7/7/2020 08:08

Alexa, fuck off

Today, my Google Home decided the TV told it to play 'Despacito'. It didn't. Google then decided I wasn't yelling at it to turn it off. I was. FML

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By j1hill33 - 14/7/2011 05:09 - United States

Today, my dad told my little brother that Tokyo is in China. This is the same guy that yells at me every time I get a "B" on a report card. FML

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By BGood - 21/12/2011 16:30 - United States

Today, I ran into my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend at a grocery store. We haven't seen each other since we broke up a few months ago, and when he introduced me, he called me by the wrong name. We dated for three years. FML

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By foxyreegan - 4/2/2012 05:22 - United States

Today, I choked on my saliva during a medical interview. FML

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By Anonymous - 1/3/2014 06:09 - Australia - Mordialloc

Today, I met my boyfriend's adoptive family. There was his mom and several brothers, one of whom tried to hit on me. They tried to convince my boyfriend to break up with me, and his mom told me I'll probably get knocked up by the brother who hit on me. FML

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By WhoopteeDooDoo - 12/10/2011 22:47 - United States

Today, I pulled into the gas station to fill up only to realize I had forgot my wallet. By the time I went home, got it, and came back, the price had gone up eleven cents. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/10/2013 07:09 - China - Shanghai

Today, I got two pieces of mail. One was a fine for not presenting my concession card to ticket inspectors on a train. The other was my concession card. FML

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By teacher - 25/1/2013 05:25 - Australia - Sydney

Today, I led a class of grade-two pupils on an excursion to the zoo. When we went to see the lions I was put in a position where I had to explain to seven and eight year olds why one lion was "bouncing" on top of the other one. FML

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By Obviously works everywhere - 20/9/2017 23:15

The customer is always a dong

Today, a customer filed a formal complaint with corporate about me, because I wouldn't help her find things she wanted while I was off the clock. We were in a completely different store than the one where I actually work. FML

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By jswag2004 - 11/12/2019 01:00 - United States - Elgin

Today, I finally got the guts to ask out my crush. She said yes and I was really happy. Then I woke up. FML

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By loser - 29/10/2008 11:08 - United Kingdom

Today, I told a friend that he looked smarter with his glasses on. He took them off and said "oh, and now you look more handsome". FML

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By thanksbaby - 1/6/2009 05:55 - United States

Today, my fiancé and I were cuddling in bed talking about our future wedding coming up. He leaned over seductively to tell me he got a present for me to ‘use’ on our wedding day. It was a pack of breath mints. FML

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By meh - 17/1/2018 09:00 - United States - Dublin

Today, after drinking myself to an oblivion, I awoke with a massive hangover. I didn’t want to go to work, but every excuse I came up with in my head screamed of alcoholics. When I arrived, my boss asked me why I was there. It was my day off. FML

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By Oops - 25/12/2012 11:17 - United States - Augusta

Today, I was at Walmart when I saw my grandpa in the next aisle looking at magazines. Wanting to surprise him, I ran up behind him and hugged him around the middle. Up close, I realized he wasn't my grandpa. FML

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By SadBride - 8/9/2015 00:39 - United States

Today, my in-laws decided they were going to stay an extra week during our vacation to Dominican Republic next year. This would be fine, if we weren't travelling for our destination wedding, and the extra week wasn't our honeymoon. They are literally joining us on our honeymoon. FML

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By AtikaSucks - 28/2/2010 19:00 - Tunisia

Today, thanks to my brilliant hairstylist, I ended up with a brand new haircut, which I like to call the "Bowler hat-and-Spaghetti" cut. FML

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By effme - 1/6/2010 06:05 - United States

Today, I spent ages applying for a scholarship on-line. I found out on the very last page that I do not meet the qualifications for it. FML

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By moe - 15/2/2011 03:07 - United States

Today, the only person to wish me a Happy Valentine's day was a wrong number calling my cell phone. FML

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By titsmcgee - 11/2/2015 21:51 - United States - Oak Brook

Today, the CEO of my company leaned over and said, "Hey, I've been meaning to thank you…" I thought he was going to thank me for all of my hard work, but he continued, "…for wearing that shirt today. I can totally see your boobs." FML

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By confusedphotographer - 19/4/2009 18:09 - United States

Today, I was fixing some photos for a client. I spent 20 minutes trying to Photoshop an unusual black dot out of a picture. Only then did I discover it was a black dot on my computer screen. FML

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By ZombieMommy - 10/3/2017 05:00 - United States - Conroe

Plooped

Today, I was pouring milk into my coffee and, as it plooped into my mug, I noticed the expiration date on the jug passed 2 weeks ago. Nobody here drinks milk very often and I ran out of creamer so I've been unknowingly drinking my coffee with curdled milk for the past 3 days. FML

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By Anonymous - 6/6/2016 04:57 - United States - Frisco

Today, for the first time ever, one of my birthday wishes came true. I wished for my crush to come hang out with me, and she did. I wasted my birthday wish on an awkward silence. FML

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Top comments

By iliketurdles | 7

#3605295 - Saturday 19 November 2011 12:03

Doesn't matter. Still won.

By sierra142 | 19

#3605306 - Saturday 19 November 2011 12:08

Ha ha ha ha. I can just picture it.

COMMENTS

By iliketurdles | 7

#3605295 - Saturday 19 November 2011 12:03

Doesn't matter. Still won.

Reply

leadman1989 | 15

#3605365 - Saturday 19 November 2011 12:28

It's only cheating if you get caught... wait.

Reply

ShakeMeDown | 12

#3606834 - Saturday 19 November 2011 21:11

The entire time OP was running "We are the Champions" was playing in his head.

Reply

tanneriscool | 2

#3608099 - Sunday 20 November 2011 3:39

In slow motion?

Reply

You_Need_Soap | 6

#3608194 - Sunday 20 November 2011 4:19

Chariots of Fire theme.

Reply

nolarboot | 10

#3609434 - Sunday 20 November 2011 7:57

"Now come back to [the finish line] so we can show you how much you won. Come back."

Reply

madelinebriana | 11

#3610870 - Sunday 20 November 2011 18:16

What was your cue that the race had even started?

Reply

armyboy5989 | 2

#3611500 - Sunday 20 November 2011 21:12

Your not trying if your not cheating

Reply

evilteddybear | 0

#3618380 - Tuesday 22 November 2011 4:17

Uuummm.... I was just warming up;)

Reply

GrooveTurtle | 0

#3824416 - Tuesday 3 January 2012 13:23

But they were looking at the clock, doesn't matter still won. But I cried the whole time, doesn't matter still won.

By sierra142 | 19

#3605306 - Saturday 19 November 2011 12:08

Ha ha ha ha. I can just picture it.

Reply

sexaaydino | 14

#3605384 - Saturday 19 November 2011 12:37

That's not nice :(

Reply

drivemysoul19 | 8

#3605399 - Saturday 19 November 2011 12:45

Rude.

Reply

cyns0_oaSailor | 0

#3605502 - Saturday 19 November 2011 13:48

16, your bf has a bad taste in video games

Reply

iChel413 | 6

#3605773 - Saturday 19 November 2011 16:06

You have to admit that it is funny!

Reply

jon120ukfan | 2

#3606040 - Saturday 19 November 2011 16:45

I'm going to hell now for laughing at this

Reply

natnatkat | 8

#3606379 - Saturday 19 November 2011 18:04

Let me guess. The people who said this comment are also "chubby".

Reply

ladiesman219 | 4

#3606878 - Saturday 19 November 2011 21:45

i pictured it too!! i laughed a little hehe

Reply

RavagedSoul | 0

#3610151 - Sunday 20 November 2011 13:35

Funny yet mentally scaring at the same time

Reply

caity878 | 0

#3614205 - Monday 21 November 2011 10:06

Haha yeah him running and being like hell yeah and then turning around being like...oh shit

By phoenixslayer69 | 4

#3605310 - Saturday 19 November 2011 12:08

Good exercise. Don't sweat it.

Reply

That0therguy | 4

#3613735 - Monday 21 November 2011 7:42

Don't sweat it?

Reply

yarsii | 0

#3614715 - Monday 21 November 2011 13:32

Boom tish.

By GSP101 | 0

#3605318 - Saturday 19 November 2011 12:10

Warm-ups are important too.

By yeezheng | 6

#3605332 - Saturday 19 November 2011 12:15

It's alright . Everyone makes this kinda mistake once in a while. Just ytd I facepalm into a glass door at a crowded mall. Don't sweat it! Everyone have their embarrassing moment now and then :)

Reply

Blueglasscup | 18

#3605338 - Saturday 19 November 2011 12:18

I did that once too. The impact made me ricochet off the door and onto the floor.

Reply

False_Stupidity | 41

#3613200 - Monday 21 November 2011 4:38

Wouldn't that be called a facedoor rather than facepalm?

By Babyseal420 | 7

#3605335 - Saturday 19 November 2011 12:17

You were just so fast you won before the others even started.

Reply

HomeAl0ne | 20

#3611753 - Sunday 20 November 2011 22:33

Cheer up OP, I bet it was a handicap race.

Wait, that doesn't make it any better, does it.

By RawrNom | 0

#3605341 - Saturday 19 November 2011 12:18

just pretend you were practicing, then when you go home, just say - Hey, mom... I crossed the finish line first! and when she asks - so you won?!, just be like - well I crossed the line first.. what do you think? lol... Op, I've done something similar don't worry ><

Reply

Chad_the_Brony | 0

#3605374 - Saturday 19 November 2011 12:31

Please don't EVER do a situtuation comment ever again. They are NOT funny and fucking annoying.

By IKickPuppiesHard | 16

#3605353 - Saturday 19 November 2011 12:22

Rage quit racing again now that you've won. Now that your a winner i suggest you go off and grab a hot girl of your choosing and have her feed you grapes.....or weightloss pills. Which ever you prefer.

Reply

Torva_fml | 16

#3605574 - Saturday 19 November 2011 14:24

You're.

Reply

LifeOnBlast19 | 9

#3605775 - Saturday 19 November 2011 16:07

Your name is quite disturbing.

Reply

MagicallyFat | 12

#3605945 - Saturday 19 November 2011 16:32

It's very messed up. Who kicks puppies??

It's more of a punting motion… LACES UP!

Reply

death_dolphin24 | 0

#3606592 - Saturday 19 November 2011 19:13

You're a dick.

Reply

MagicallyFat | 12

#3606853 - Saturday 19 November 2011 21:29

Hahah I'm joking people I love animals I have the best cat in the world

Reply

WillTay | 8

#3612033 - Monday 21 November 2011 0:11

57: Location: Hogwarts, USA? You're an idiot.

By leadman1989 | 15

#3605358 - Saturday 19 November 2011 12:24

You went SO fast you slowed down time. It's the ONLY logical explanation.

Reply

zachherbert | 10

#3606885 - Saturday 19 November 2011 21:49

Or, he started before everyone else..... Ah, who the fuck am I kidding? That makes no sense at all.

Reply

yeahbuddayy1114 | 1

#3613563 - Monday 21 November 2011 6:01

Haha.

By robertlovespi | 3

#3605372 - Saturday 19 November 2011 12:30

Darn and just when your chubby cheeks thought you were gonna get all the ladies.