By Anonymous - United States

Anyone for cake?

Today, it was my boyfriend's mom's surprise birthday party. I was sent to pick up the very expensive cake and dozens of balloons. Not only was it windy and the balloons flew away, I tripped and dropped the cake. In the driveway in front of all their family and friends. FML

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Coherence dude, do you have it?

Tonight, on Grey's Anatomy…

Sweet dude

By Patrick - United States - Sulphur

Today, I brought my new puppy home. I saw her sniffing around, so I took her outside to do her business. She simply played in the grass for ten minutes, so I brought her in. She walked in the door, squatted, and shit. She has diarrhea. This is the fourth time today. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/10/2020 08:08

Thanks, Marley

Today, I made sure my puppy went number 1 and 2 before taking them into a pet-friendly store. In the store, two ladies awed at my puppy, but as I picked him up I didn't notice he'd shat on the floor until they pointed it out, giving me a dirty look. Other customers glared as I picked up his smeared shit. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I turned 23. I had asked my mom for some things to decorate my new place. As I opened the box to reveal my gift, a mirror was inside. I liked the mirror. I did not like the note attached that said "Look inside the mirror to see who is now 100% financially responsible for themselves." FML

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By AngrySon - United States

Today, I cleaned out the fridge for my mother. I didn't throw out a single thing that was less than a month past its expiration. Instead of thanks, she complained about everything that I threw away being still good, including a tub of butter that had been expired for two years. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Northampton

Today, I said to my boyfriend that he makes the same noises when he smells bacon as he does when we have sex. Now everytime we have sex, he whispers "Bacon..." in my ear. FML

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By - 16/2/2020 14:00

Oh gosh

Today, I noticed a strange mark on the inside of my mouthwash bottle. As I was bending down to investigate, my hands tightened around the bottle and mouthwash squirted in my eye. It still burns. FML

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By nothowitworks - United States

Today, I was grounded for allegedly lying to my parents about being at my friend's house, in her outdoor hot tub. Apparently, my parents couldn't find me on Google Earth. I can't convince them that it's not actually a live feed. FML

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By Geraldine - Canada

Today, it's been three days since my husband got into free-jazz. He plays all the time in our small apartment. Loud. It's like listening to three guys build a shed for 10 giant angry wasps. FML

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By unloved - United States

Today, my parents told me they were going out for dinner tonight. I jokingly responded "Sweet! I am totally having a keg party then!" My dad responded "Keg parties are only for kids who have friends." He was serious. FML

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By

Last act

Today, while making out with my boyfriend of a month, he started rubbing my boobs. He told me that he wanted to get some action before he broke up with me. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, I got a question wrong on an exam. The question started with, "In your opinion..." FML

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By Yo Mr. White! ... BETCH! - United States - Imperial Beach

Today, I realized I'm so desperate for money that I started to watch Breaking Bad to learn how to make meth. I stopped, not because I decided it was a bad idea, but because it looks too hard. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend of 4 years told me that I appear to have gained some weight. After realizing that it made me feel depressed, he tried to make me feel better by making love to me. I decided to go with it. While doing so, he paused and said "I'm sorry baby, but your weight is too much pressure for my back." FML

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By Speedy - United Kingdom

Today, I took my driving test for the first time. The instructor stopped it after less than ten minutes, and insisted she drive back to the test centre "in the interest of public safety." FML

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By Anonymous - 20/11/2020 05:04

Free carer

Today, my mother-in-law moved in with my husband and I, where she shits the bed and herself. There's a waiting list for the nursing home, so in the meantime I’m cleaning up her shit and she isn’t even my mother. FML

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By fuckedbyahipster - Finland

Today, I was lectured by a self-professed vegan over my "barbaric" eating habits, in between her scarfing down a tuna fish sandwich. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I went to a haunted hayride with my crush and friends. I got scared and screamed so he put his arm around me and hugged me. I took this as a good sign and leaned in. Turns out his friend was handing him something and he wasn't putting his arm around me. FML

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By zzdug - United States

Today, I got mauled by a cat named Mr. Sprinkles. FML

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By wetboy - United Kingdom

Today, I found out why my girlfriend of 8 months has never agreed to stay the night before. Now I have a 4-month old mattress that needs replacing, and a 23-year-old bedwetter for a girlfriend. FML

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By Mikey - United States

Today, I finally got cleared after my knee surgery and wanted to go salsa dancing with a girl I liked. So we went and I thought I would show off a little bit and try to dip her and kiss her. Turns out my knee isn't strong enough and now she won't talk to me after dropping her on the floor. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend told me he loved me for the very first time in three years. Apparently, all it took was anal. FML

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By Sam - United States

Today, I went out to eat with a group of couples and my boyfriend. All my friends boyfriends paid for them. Mine didn't, and said that I should order off the diet menu. FML

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By fuck right off - United Kingdom - Coalville

Today, as I was walking to work, a cyclist shot out of nowhere and slammed into me. I hit the ground hard and lay there in agony. The guy quickly dusted himself off, said "Sorry man. It's a vicious cycle." then chuckled at his own stupid pun and cycled away. FML

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By Anonymous

Bite me

Today, after two root canal procedures done on the same tooth in last two years, the tooth had been acting up for a few days, so I went in to get it checked. Turns out, it got infected AGAIN and I gotta get a THIRD root canal done on the same tooth. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/5/2020 02:03

Priorities

Today my husband cried tears of joy because we now have dates for : 1 - When our son can go back to school, and 2 - When the pubs will reopen. FML

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By Megannn - United States

Today, I was in a gas station bathroom attempting to buy a condom from the machine on the wall. A woman who smelled of cat piss walked in, and I got embarrassed so I fled into a stall. She then started a conversation with me about "the good old days" from the next stall over. FML

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By beernuts - United States

Today, due to the powerful antibiotic I was taking for a bad infection on my knee, I had no control over my bowels and shat my pants while discussing a plumbing problem in a customers basement. FML

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By Anonymous - Sweden - Nora

Today, I was walking back to my hotel from the town square, and got lost. I turned back and walked around town for an hour, freaking out and panicking. When I finally found the hotel, I realized it was practically a stone's throw from where I was when I turned around. FML

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By hanzastfu - United States

Today, I was spending time with my boyfriend for the first time in two weeks. I started tearing up and telling him that I feel like he never has time for me anymore. He responded with, "I'm hungry." FML

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By Anonymous - New Zealand - Auckland

Today, I found out the pet name my girlfriend gave my penis wasn't randomly made up after all; it's her ex's name. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/6/2020 14:01

All kinds of wrong

Today, while at my friend's house, she had to leave the room for a few minutes. Her dad then put me in a headlock and told me that I had "better treat his daughter right if I ever wanted to walk again," because she's in love with me. Then he left. I'm a gay guy. FML

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By dudezilla - United States

Today, I got a text message from a number I didn't know telling me, "Fine. It's over, have a wonderful life." I've never had a girlfriend and now I get broken up with by girls I don't even know. FML

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By snathans - United States

Today, I took one of those IQ tests on the internet. I cheated and still got a 70. FML

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By SuperShy - United States - Massillon

Today, I realized just how shy and awkward I really am when I averted my eyes to avoid making eye contact with someone who turned out to be a cardboard cut-out. FML

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By Milo - Mexico - Mexico

Today, one of my tires blew out on the highway. I managed to slow down and pull over without dying, and went to get my spare tire. I found it right where it was supposed to be, knifed to hell and with a taunting note from my psycho ex taped to it. We broke up nearly 3 years ago. FML

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By Cindy - United States

Today, my dad told me he has been dating my boyfriend's mom while I was away at college. They have gotten pretty serious, and are thinking about getting married. I might be dating my stepbrother. FML

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By bad luck skier - United States - Albany

Today, I went skiing. On the first run of the day, a little girl came out of nowhere and crashed into me. I was fine, but she was hurt, so I called the ski patrol. She told him that I deliberately hit her, and got me kicked out. I was there for 10 minutes. I paid for all day. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - Mangerton

Today, while camping, I was given the sex talk, along with visuals created with marshmallows and a roasting fork. FML

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By Ineedjustice03 - Singapore

Today, I had to dig into my savings to help my parents pay for their divorce. FML

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By SureDoesMakeAGirlFeelGood - Canada - Paradise

Today, I found out that my husband has more topless pictures of his ex on his computer than he does of me. FML

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Top comments

By Escapist28 | 0

#472958 - Monday 10 August 2009 1:11

I realize that the embarrassing part is that everyone saw you, but at least they know that it was an accident

By magichateball | 0

#472992 - Monday 10 August 2009 1:28

great to know her family and friends are lazy douchebags that couldnt help you get stuff in the house. FYL

COMMENTS

By pittsports87 | 0

#472925 - Monday 10 August 2009 0:59

YDI for not tying the balloons to something and being a clumsy

Reply

drano | 0

#472935 - Monday 10 August 2009 1:04

everyone should reply to #1 so the trolls don't to the top

Reply

kewlcat | 0

#472936 - Monday 10 August 2009 1:04

OMG LAWL I REPLIED TO THE FIRST COMMENT.

Reply

porp1 | 4

#473112 - Monday 10 August 2009 2:37

replied!!!
replied!!!
replied!!!
replied!!!
replied!!!
replied!!!
replied!!!
replied!!!
replied!!!
replied!!!
replied!!!
replied!!!
replied!!!
replied!!!
replied!!!
replied!!!
replied!!!
replied!!!
replied!!!
replied!!!
replied!!!
replied!!!
replied!!!
replied!!!
replied!!!
replied!!!
replied!!!
ok, thats enough from me :[)

Reply

kewlcat | 0

#473215 - Monday 10 August 2009 3:40

how did #2 reply to the top before #3...
look at the times..
2 minutes apart/

Reply

SubAtomicBeauty | 0

#476493 - Tuesday 11 August 2009 13:27

I like how the OP specified 'their' family and friends, whilst referring to her mother's party. One would assume that her mom's family would be hers as well. Huh.

Reply

AlyssaLicorice | 0

#476993 - Tuesday 11 August 2009 17:22

It's her BOYFRIEND'S mom, not her own (:
So it would be THEIR family and friends.

Reply

V4ZQU3Z | 0

#1111759 - Tuesday 20 July 2010 1:49

thats why im mexican and use piñatas!

By why_me14 | 0

#472943 - Monday 10 August 2009 1:05

first

Reply

jajay398 | 4

#2264940 - Wednesday 30 March 2011 3:35

nope

By mjsdabeast | 0

#472945 - Monday 10 August 2009 1:07

haha ydi for being fuckin clumsy

By Escapist28 | 0

#472958 - Monday 10 August 2009 1:11

I realize that the embarrassing part is that everyone saw you, but at least they know that it was an accident

By ribbons872 | 0

#472961 - Monday 10 August 2009 1:11

that blows! :)

By manoverboard | 0

#472964 - Monday 10 August 2009 1:12

It's the thought that counts?

By cuteguyoO | 0

#472967 - Monday 10 August 2009 1:13

ydi for watching Miley Cyrus film

By caancoha | 0

#472987 - Monday 10 August 2009 1:22

I hope I see you next fall!

By magichateball | 0

#472992 - Monday 10 August 2009 1:28

great to know her family and friends are lazy douchebags that couldnt help you get stuff in the house. FYL

Reply

blondie1488 | 0

#474275 - Monday 10 August 2009 15:38

I agree...talk about rude. You go and pick the stuff up and no one bothers to help you. Jerks!

By RichYungReverse | 0

#473007 - Monday 10 August 2009 1:32

I would love to see the BF's or the Moms version of this FML