Transportation: Today, two weeks after reporting our car was broken into, the... - FML

By zenithbelana - United States

Today, two weeks after reporting our car was broken into, the police showed up to our flat. They came to inform us that our car was was broken into. We explained that we knew this and reported it weeks ago. Apparently, it was broken into again, and set on fire this time. FML

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Dangling modifier

Good boy

Business is business

By Unknown - France

Today, I have blue lips because of a guy whose face I don't even remember didn't know the difference between kissing and sucking. FML

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By Toothless - United States

Today, I was eating ice cream and struggling to chew a particularly hard chunk of chocolate. After finally breaking it into pieces, I spat it out because it tasted terrible. Then I discovered that I was missing my temporary crown. Now I have no upper molar. FML

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By esoog - United States

Today, I woke up in a panic to what sounded like a plane about to crash into my house. I was so scared, I peed myself and passed out. It was just my cell phone vibrating under my pillow. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I pissed my younger brother off. Seemingly unrelated to this was the fact that I left my laptop on in my room along with MSN signed into my email adress. Now, all my contacts know that I apparently "just love the warm feeling of semen sliding down my throat". FML

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By beaverless - United States

Today, my girlfriend kindly broke the news to me that she doesn't want to take part in sexual activity anymore because it is getting too boring. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my girlfriend started a month-long period of not talking to me. One of her male friends, who is a self-styled astrologist, told her there are "bad omens" in our relationship for the coming weeks. I don't know if I should dump her for being gullible or just plain stupid. FML

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By Not-so-good-gymnast - Australia

Today, I removed the safety padding from around the trampoline because it seemed useless. This afternoon, I did a backflip, got my hair stuck in the springs, ripped out a chunk of my hair, and face planted it into the brick pavers. FML

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By bobo - Canada

Today, I played Angry Birds for two hours. I got so into the game, I failed to remember that I was sitting on a public toilet. I only realized this when the janitor came to check on me. FML

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By Grinch

Today, it's Xmas Eve, and my partner's quick afternoon catch-up with his friends has turned into 5 messy drunks in our house at 1am. So it's no to the "us" time evening we had planned before spending tomorrow with our families who live over 3 hours away. Guess who had promised to drive and now can't? FML

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By kenken5

Today, I had my first sexual experience since going through a rough break up a month ago. The guy finished after 60 seconds of a blow job and then didn’t return the favor. FML

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By anonymous

Today, after almost a year of having threesomes with my “best friend” and her husband, they both confessed that neither of them actually even like me. They just went along with it because they thought it’s what the other wanted. Now they won’t even talk to me. FML

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By Bummer - United States

Today, I found my checking and savings account to both read $0.00. My parents transferred all my money to theirs because "I'm irresponsible, and not fit to handle money." I'm a 3.8 college student and have a full-time job. They are currently unemployed. FML

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By person - United States - League City

Today, I accidentally fell asleep at work after working a 12-hour shift. Instead of waking me up, my coworkers spiked my coffee mug with whiskey and told my boss I was drunk. My boss wouldn't even listen to my side of the story and fired me. FML

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By Bruja5 - United States

Today, I thought about my boyfriend and all the things we used to do together years ago. Today, I also spent the day doing my now husband's laundry and watching him sit on the couch with his hand inside his underwear. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I woke up to find that my cat had knocked over a $35 can of powdered baby formula, and there were TWO different colonies of ants warring over the bounty all over the counter. FML

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By SailorVenus93

Giddy approval!

Today, I got so ecstatic about getting approved for a credit card that I made myself sick. I guess my first ever purchase will be TUMS and some Ginger Ale. FML

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By Cat vs. Dog - United States - Laramie

Today, my escape artist of a dog got out. She not only chased someone else's cat into someone else's house, but promptly defecated all over their living room floor out of excitement. That's one way to meet the new neighbors. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/11/2020 14:02

Can't see for shit

Today, I was out walking my dog. After he took a dump, I went to pick it up but my glasses fell right in his poop. I didn’t have tissue, just the plastic bag. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - London

Today, I was woken up by my wife softly kissing me on the lips. Half asleep, I kissed her back, before quickly opening my eyes and realising it wasn't my wife; it was my dog. FML

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By Craig Thompson - United Kingdom - Bristol

Today, I found out that when I drink alcohol, I snore so bad my boyfriend contemplated suffocating me with a pillow to get some sleep. FML

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By gerligrl97 - United States

Today, along with my virginity, my boyfriend took my laptop, iPhone, TV, and most of the food in my fridge. FML

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By candice - Reserved

Today, I had to tell all the trick-or-treaters that I'd run out of candy. I'd actually bought about $50 worth of candy, but managed to eat all of it by myself, sitting alone in my apartment, exactly like last year. FML

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By annababyyyy - United States - Rockville

Today, my boyfriend pretended to be reading braille while touching my chest acne. FML

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By tehhotness - United States

Today, I was going down on my girlfriend when I noticed a hickey near her hip. I said, "wow, last night was crazy, I don't even remember doing that!". Without even interrupting the action, she simply said, "You didn't". FML

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By alone - United States

Today, I committed to babysitting on Valentine's Day not because I needed the money, but because I just got dumped. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I found out why you shouldn't drop instant mashed potatoes in a fish tank, especially when you have expensive fish. FML

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By Lori_ftw - United States - Oakland

Today, my store manager thought that it would improve morale to talk in hashtags. FML

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By elsatheannoyed - United States - Santa Clara

Today, like any other day since that stupid movie Frozen came out, people have been asking me if I want to build a snowman. My name is Elsa. FML

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By broke - United States

Today, I got home from visiting my long-distance girlfriend. I spent $366 to get a plane ticket to visit her for the week. The day after I arrived there, she broke up with me and I had to buy a ticket for an earlier flight home. With fees and penalties, I paid around $550 to be broken up with. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my girlfriend went down on me for the first time. Just as I was reaching climax my brother raced into the bathroom right next to my door and began to vomit extremely loudly. FML

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By crudofalife - United States

Today, while working as a cashier at McDonald's, a man came in telling me that he had not received his hamburger. I looked at his receipt and the date said 11/17/09. FML

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By whoawhoawhoa - Canada

Today, my boyfriend and I heard my parents going at it upstairs. He said, "sounds like they're having more fun than we did." To make it worse, he crept to their door and put his ear to it, telling me what he heard. FML

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By Alex - United States

Today, I had to get out my birth certificate to prove to my dad that today is my birthday. This has happened before. FML

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By ihpgolj - United States

Today, I was riding my bike down a road I know is quite hazardous. Having almost been hit in the same spot the day before, I rode across the intersection very satisfied without having been injured. Until I crashed into the guy front of me and flipped over my handlebars. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/1/2021 20:01 - Australia

A for Effort

Today, I thought I would spice things up a bit and rocked my man's world, but in the kitchen. Apparently, some of his cum must have got on the tiles because I slipped on it 15 minutes later. In doing so I smacked my head on the fridge.. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend of 2 weeks said that he was going to cook me dinner. After waiting for the frozen pizza that he decided to make for me to be completely cooked, he said, "Oh I hate this part", reached into the oven with his bare hands and took out the pizza, all while screaming. He is 24. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/2/2021 21:30

Yada yada yada

Today, after almost a year of no steady work, I struggled to get anything done once my 7-months pregnant girlfriend woke up at noon. She wanted to talk the whole time, and eventually broke down crying because of her relationship with her mother. I spent the the day consoling her. No wonder I can't get any work. FML

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By somuchforthat - Australia

Today, I woke up and found a small leg of what used to belong to a spider on the corner of my mouth. FML

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By Dave - United States

Today, a vendor contacted me to let me know that our contract renewal went through. Turns out, I misread our original contract and now I've obligated our company to buy $24k of services, when my boss wanted to cancel it. It's only February and I already know I'm not getting a bonus this year. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/5/2020 17:00

Time don't heal nothing

Today, I was sitting in my garden with my younger sister when she told me that she'd found pictures of me from a decade ago. She also told me that I've changed a lot over the years, because back then I was still pretty. My neighbours overheard it and started laughing out loud. FML

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Top comments

By wtfismyfml | 0

#765858 - Sunday 10 January 2010 12:10

insurance just went up

By FatNinjaCupcake | 0

#2531789 - Thursday 19 May 2011 4:47

Did anyone else notice this says "was was"?

COMMENTS

By wtfismyfml | 0

#765858 - Sunday 10 January 2010 12:10

insurance just went up

By bittersweets | 2

#765864 - Sunday 10 January 2010 12:14

who moderatet this???

Reply

Ohmar | 0

#765882 - Sunday 10 January 2010 12:31

i was just wondering that haha she cant structure a sentence for shit

Reply

gear4 | 29

#5899169 - Saturday 29 March 2014 7:43

You apparently don't know how to grammar for shit, either...

Reply

Kazze | 31

#6109768 - Tuesday 4 November 2014 23:28

#8: Are you seriously complaining about OP's sentence structure? YOU'RE the one that didn't use any puntuation, capitalization, or apostrophes.

By Mustardnight | 3

#765866 - Sunday 10 January 2010 12:14

Haha it might be you sleepwalking. Is it a pontiac or a saturn? Could just be the usual mechanical problems.

Reply

lifeinhd | 3

#766074 - Sunday 10 January 2010 16:16

Actually, my father once worked with a man whose Mitsubishi was parked and one day decided to randomly catch fire. That being said, I wouldn't put it past a Pontiac to do the same.

Reply

Cjw1220 | 0

#1173766 - Monday 2 August 2010 1:59

Pontiacs can be very reliable cars you douchenozzle jackknob dingbat hair diaper dumpster baby trash eating fat whore

By happypapp12 | 0

#765870 - Sunday 10 January 2010 12:17

First

Reply

PirateMan | 0

#765881 - Sunday 10 January 2010 12:30

awww try harder next time and you will definately get first xxx

Reply

Americunt | 0

#765998 - Sunday 10 January 2010 15:09

More like No. 5
Anyways, I live in Maryland, and the police is pretty okay, but the city people are shitty.

Come to Maryland! We long for attractive people.

Reply

chrissy888 | 0

#767740 - Monday 11 January 2010 9:37

ooh! A state with no attractive people that wants attractive people?? I'm THERE. lol, not.

Reply

Americunt | 0

#767908 - Monday 11 January 2010 12:28

We have lots of attractive people, but they are usually in a relationship.

By love_suicide | 0

#765880 - Sunday 10 January 2010 12:28

lmao sux for you

By mylifeiscrazi | 1

#765883 - Sunday 10 January 2010 12:32

I'm sorry, u got an enemy?

By Ohmar | 0

#765884 - Sunday 10 January 2010 12:33

cant* well that shut me up

By simawesome_FYL | 0

#765917 - Sunday 10 January 2010 13:19

well next time think better before destroying other peoples cars ... the same might happen to you ...

Reply

vexis58 | 1

#766739 - Sunday 10 January 2010 23:58

What do you mean? The OP didn't do anything to anyone else's car. It DID happen to her. I'm confused. Are you directing that statement to the burglars?

By leoofbodom | 0

#765952 - Sunday 10 January 2010 14:01

your fault for doing shit in school so having a shitty job so living in a bad area

By GiRIsMakingCupca | 0

#765972 - Sunday 10 January 2010 14:45

woahh :)