Transportation: Today, two weeks after reporting our car was broken into, the... - FML

By zenithbelana - United States

Today, two weeks after reporting our car was broken into, the police showed up to our flat. They came to inform us that our car was was broken into. We explained that we knew this and reported it weeks ago. Apparently, it was broken into again, and set on fire this time. FML

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Triage

Coherence dude, do you have it?

Mixed signals

By srs

Today, my parents yelled at me for coming home drunk from a party last night. They said I couldn't hang out with my best friend anymore as he's a "bad influence". He was the only one sober in our group and drove me home safely. FML

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By Loser - Canada

Today, I decided to modify my resume since I've handed out over 30 of them in the past couple of weeks and I haven't gotten any calls back. As soon as I opened it on word document, I noticed that I had forgotten to include my phone number for employers to contact me. FML

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By nalathelionqueen - United States - North Hills

Today, the summer camp I work at had its annual scavenger hunt, wherein the counselors hide and the kids look for us. It was my first year there, so some of my colleagues showed me the "best hiding spot." Two hours later, still undiscovered, I realized they just wanted to get rid of me. FML

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By Unwanted - Australia

Today, I was in a car with my house-mate and friends after a long day of studying, when we pulled up at our place. Thinking that we were all going to hang there, I waited for everyone to start getting out. No one did. Turns out they were just waiting for me to get out so they could then leave and go out together. FML

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By :O - Canada - Winnipeg

Today, my brother in law brought a dead rabbit to my nephew saying, "I found the Easter Bunny!" My nephew started crying hours ago and hasn't stopped. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/7/2020 08:01

Miss me yet?

Today, after I kicked my boyfriend out, thinking the sudden separation would make him value our relationship more, I heard he's spent the last 3 weeks at his brother's constantly playing Xbox, hasn’t called me once, and now I’m hearing rumours he’s been taking other women home from sleazy bars. FML

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By great.

Today, I went on a first date with the guy I really like. During our dinner, he said he needed to go to the bathroom. You guessed it: he didn't come back. FML

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By queenbee - United States - Media

Today, I slept through my alarm and decided to call in sick. After falling back asleep, I woke up to my younger brother robbing my kitchen. It seems he's been doing this for weeks, every time I leave for work. He won't even give it all back. FML

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By Fml

Today, a co-worker called in sick due to a family emergency. I ended up working an unplanned 12-hour overnight shift. After I clocked out, I dragged myself out to the parking lot to go home. Someone had smeared tacos all over my car. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/1/2021 19:01 - United Kingdom - Gosport

It wasn't me

Today, my partner thought I was having an affair because I received a video call but declined it. It was from my daughter, and I declined it because I was already on a video call with my sister. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, while lighting a cigar, I set my beard on fire. FML

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By A.K. - United States

Today, I was driving on the highway and a cop had his radar gun out. The woman in front of me panics and slams her brakes on, causing me to rear end her. The cop cited me for "tailgating" and I have to pay for the damages on both of our cars. FML

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By um...no? i don't think so anyway - United States - Warren

Today, I finally got the courage to tell the girl I like how I feel. She instantly burst out laughing and said "A crush? Dude, what are you, 12?! Hahaha!" FML

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By farmvillefail - United States

Today, I found out the best way to communicate with my boyfriend, who is obsessed with farmville, is by placing a "sign post" on his farm. Not sending text, email, or calling, but placing a message on his imaginary farm. FML

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By cycler - United States

Today, I ran over a chipmunk. On my bike. Its mangled carcass got caught in the spokes and decided to join me on my ride. FML

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By brando2k5 - United States

Today, I got the official word my wife is pregnant. Her sister, who lives with us, is also pregnant. I'm stuck in an apartment with two women due in late 2012. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while on my run, I was attacked by my neighbor's new dog. It apparently didn't like me running past their house and broke free from its chain. I now have stitches and was just told that I'm probably being taken to court for the emotional distress I caused her and the dog. FML

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By facepalm - United States

Today, I really had to go to the bathroom. Due to my fear of public restrooms, I made sure it was clear before I started. I heard someone sigh halfway through. Embarrassed, I waited a full ten minutes before leaving the stall, only to see that it was only the automatic air freshener. FML

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By YaytoSeniorYear

Today, my roommate revealed that she's dating my ex. I later had to navigate around them caressing each other just to grab my noodles from the microwave. FML

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By anonymous

Today, my dad's face flushed when I introduced him to my new boyfriend. I live in a small town, and it turns out my dad recognized him. He's the secret child from an affair two decades ago. He's my half-brother. FML

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By Helen - United States - Pine Bluff

Today, my husband came home drunk off his ass at 2am. He started crying on my shoulder because he couldn't go home with some beautiful woman who hit on him, because sadly for him, he's married to me. FML

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By Anonymous - Ireland

Today, I've had my tenth "Christmas" dinner since Christmas last took place. My mum has gone nuts and keeps playing Christmas music, making these dinners, and refusing to let me take down the Christmas decorations. My dad is too whipped to save us from this hell. FML

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By swee t - United States - Greensboro

Today, I got a bill from my former attorney for the call he made to me begging me not to turn him in for stealing all my money and almost causing me lose my home. FML

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By grossuncle - United States

Today, I was bored at work looking at a sex offender list of my area. After a couple pages, I saw my uncle. FML

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By mook - United States

Today, my neighbor confessed to me that he was homophobic and regrets that his family doesnt know it. He spent fifteen minutes explaining how much he would hate to have a gay child. I spent two hours last night convincing his son that it was the right thing to tell his family he was gay. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Aston

Today, my boyfriend told me that my vagina looks like Yoda. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Grand Prairie

Today, I was using my phone while in a crowded waiting room, and I accidentally tapped on a YouTube video with the volume still at maximum. The first words everyone heard? "Fuck her right in the pussy!" FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I noticed how big my brother's package is. If it hadn't been for the fact that my family has taken up walking around naked half the day, I never would have had to. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Modesto

Today, I worked up my courage and took an elevator for the first time in my life. Unfortunately, it was also my first time getting trapped for several hours in an elevator. FML

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By Rhianna - Australia

Today, I was babysitting my younger brother while my parents were away. I turned my back on my brother for one minute and then I heard a huge crash from their room. He had somehow destroyed a family heirloom and 200 year old clock. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my 13-year-old daughter and I went to a tropical themed restaurant. She wanted a strawberry Daiquiri, so I asked the waitress for a virgin strawberry Daiquiri. My daughter then said, "But dad, I'm not a virgin." FML

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By guessnot - Canada - Toronto

Today, the guy that I've liked for a while but never had the courage to talk to was wearing a TARDIS shirt. I jokingly asked, "Are you the Doctor?" His response was for me to "Go away, f***ing nerd." FML

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By Anonymous - 12/10/2020 20:01

She's lost control again

Today, I had an unexpected sneezing fit and drove my car through 2 trees and a fence. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, my now ex-fiancée confessed that "our" child is most likely actually hers and my father's. FML

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By whateven333 - United States - Gibsonia

Today, I told my cousin that I would gladly help him through the loss of my aunt. That is until he started flirting with me. FML

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By ohokay - United States - Bronx

Today, I found my boyfriend's Facebook page. I also found his wife's. FML

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By weeks - United States

Today, my mom explained to me that looking up gay porn on the internet is bad. I didn't look up gay porn. The only other person who uses the laptop is my dad. I couldn't tell her the truth and had to pretend I enjoy gay fanfiction. FML

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By Anonymous - Trinidad and Tobago - Port-of-spain

Today, my boyfriend posted a screenshot from a porno on my Facebook, because the girl in it looked freakishly similar to me. My dad commented, asking for a link to the video. FML

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By nottililgirl - United States

Today, after taking a shower, I noticed a weird noise and asked my husband about it. "I think it's in the walls," I told him. After careful inspection, he simply turned off the electric razor I had just used to shave my legs and gave me 'that' look. I had beaten him in an IQ test not 24 hours prior. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Vancouver

Today, I woke up, only to find my Xbox missing. Thankfully I have a security camera discreetly wired up in the tree on my lawn. Checking the tapes, I saw my brother park outside my house, let himself in with his spare key, then drive off with my missing equipment. FML

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Top comments

By wtfismyfml | 0

#765858 - Sunday 10 January 2010 12:10

insurance just went up

By FatNinjaCupcake | 0

#2531789 - Thursday 19 May 2011 4:47

Did anyone else notice this says "was was"?

COMMENTS

By wtfismyfml | 0

#765858 - Sunday 10 January 2010 12:10

insurance just went up

By bittersweets | 2

#765864 - Sunday 10 January 2010 12:14

who moderatet this???

Reply

Ohmar | 0

#765882 - Sunday 10 January 2010 12:31

i was just wondering that haha she cant structure a sentence for shit

Reply

gear4 | 29

#5899169 - Saturday 29 March 2014 7:43

You apparently don't know how to grammar for shit, either...

Reply

Kazze | 31

#6109768 - Tuesday 4 November 2014 23:28

#8: Are you seriously complaining about OP's sentence structure? YOU'RE the one that didn't use any puntuation, capitalization, or apostrophes.

By Mustardnight | 3

#765866 - Sunday 10 January 2010 12:14

Haha it might be you sleepwalking. Is it a pontiac or a saturn? Could just be the usual mechanical problems.

Reply

lifeinhd | 3

#766074 - Sunday 10 January 2010 16:16

Actually, my father once worked with a man whose Mitsubishi was parked and one day decided to randomly catch fire. That being said, I wouldn't put it past a Pontiac to do the same.

Reply

Cjw1220 | 0

#1173766 - Monday 2 August 2010 1:59

Pontiacs can be very reliable cars you douchenozzle jackknob dingbat hair diaper dumpster baby trash eating fat whore

By happypapp12 | 0

#765870 - Sunday 10 January 2010 12:17

First

Reply

PirateMan | 0

#765881 - Sunday 10 January 2010 12:30

awww try harder next time and you will definately get first xxx

Reply

Americunt | 0

#765998 - Sunday 10 January 2010 15:09

More like No. 5
Anyways, I live in Maryland, and the police is pretty okay, but the city people are shitty.

Come to Maryland! We long for attractive people.

Reply

chrissy888 | 0

#767740 - Monday 11 January 2010 9:37

ooh! A state with no attractive people that wants attractive people?? I'm THERE. lol, not.

Reply

Americunt | 0

#767908 - Monday 11 January 2010 12:28

We have lots of attractive people, but they are usually in a relationship.

By love_suicide | 0

#765880 - Sunday 10 January 2010 12:28

lmao sux for you

By mylifeiscrazi | 1

#765883 - Sunday 10 January 2010 12:32

I'm sorry, u got an enemy?

By Ohmar | 0

#765884 - Sunday 10 January 2010 12:33

cant* well that shut me up

By simawesome_FYL | 0

#765917 - Sunday 10 January 2010 13:19

well next time think better before destroying other peoples cars ... the same might happen to you ...

Reply

vexis58 | 1

#766739 - Sunday 10 January 2010 23:58

What do you mean? The OP didn't do anything to anyone else's car. It DID happen to her. I'm confused. Are you directing that statement to the burglars?

By leoofbodom | 0

#765952 - Sunday 10 January 2010 14:01

your fault for doing shit in school so having a shitty job so living in a bad area

By GiRIsMakingCupca | 0

#765972 - Sunday 10 January 2010 14:45

woahh :)