Today, two weeks after reporting our car was broken into, the... - FML

By zenithbelana - 10/1/2010 07:01 - United States

Today, two weeks after reporting our car was broken into, the police showed up to our flat. They came to inform us that our car was was broken into. We explained that we knew this and reported it weeks ago. Apparently, it was broken into again, and set on fire this time. FML

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Proactive

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By thefifthdoctor - 10/12/2013 06:04 - United States - Seattle

Today, I had to listen to fellow classmates whine about selling one of their many houses, while I can barely afford to pay for a $100 textbook. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/12/2011 00:40 - United States

Today, I cleaned my toilet. I had forgotten it was white. FML

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By good job bf - 11/1/2013 04:06 - United States - Southampton

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me at my grandma's funeral. FML

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By izzy - 7/2/2019 02:00

Today, my boyfriend left me for his sister. No, not my sister. His sister. FML

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By trees - 24/7/2013 16:44 - United States - Waupaca

Today, I watched one of my neighbor's trees fall into the electrical lines outside my house. This was after he took a chainsaw to the tree. He refuses to cover the damages. FML

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By StopMe - 20/5/2019 12:00

What are you doing?

Today, I went to a hobby lobby with the director of the play my daughter is in. He leaned in to grab a bottle of blue paint, and I mistook it for a hug. When he looked perplexed, I hugged him again, this time jumping in celebration of finding the blue paint. FML

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By Aly - 15/8/2013 07:10 - United States - Ontario

Today, my cousin texted me, asking how the chicken pizza had settled in my stomach. We got drunk last night and had pizza. I thought it was cheese; it was chicken. I've been vegetarian for 7 years. FML

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By retailworker - 9/1/2020 14:00

Customer service

Today, at work, I was helping a customer over the phone. Another customer came and asked me a question. I let them know I'd be with them shortly. They then said "I really think you should hang up. The customer is always first." FML

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By ShaunBomb - 11/12/2010 06:11 - United States

Today, my parents brought me an ice cream birthday cake. I would think after 23 years they would remember my lactose intolerance. FML

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By whatadisappointmnet - 5/11/2011 18:58 - United States

Today, while cuddling up on the couch with my boyfriend, I asked him if this was his happy place too. He said, "Nah, it's in pussies." FML

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By Sleeping moody - 8/8/2016 04:01 - United States - Hollywood

Today I went to my sleep therapist; I sleep 8 hours a night, but I'm still very tired during the day. I'm divorced, so we decided that I would record myself sleeping to see if I might be snoring. We listened to the tape. Not only was I snoring very loudly, I cry all night in my sleep. FM

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By julie24 - 30/5/2014 02:30 - France

Today, I was partying with friends. At around midnight, I sent a text message to my friend to reassure her, saying that of course I could handle my drink. That's the last thing I can remember about the evening. It's a total blank from that point onwards. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/12/2011 17:11 - United Kingdom

Today, I found out apparently I sleep walk. My boyfriend has been filming me and uploading it all to Youtube. FML

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By me - 2/3/2011 23:21 - United States

Today, my fiancé and I had a fight over household expenses. He's never had a job in his life, but this didn't stop him demanding that I get another full-time job to pay for video games and beer. FML

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By Creep - 15/7/2011 23:10 - United States

Today, I discovered my new plug-in air freshener smells exactly like my ex-boyfriend's cologne. My friends noticed this, and nobody will believe me when I say it smelled different on the scratch-and-sniff. Now I'm considered a creep. A nostalgic, obsessed creep. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/5/2009 17:43 - United States

Today, it's my birthday. I have gotten three calls all day. The first one was my fiancé, saying he wanted his ring back. The second one was my best friend, confessing to me that she had been sleeping with my fiancé for the past three months. The third was the dentist's office singing me a happy birthday. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/5/2009 20:28 - United States

Today, I found a box of birthday candles sitting on the coffee table. Bored, I lit one, and after a minute I threw it away and sat back down on the couch. I started looking at the box and noticed that it said "Magic Re-Lighting Candles" at the exact moment that my trash can burst into flames. FML

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By fatguyinalittlecoat - 8/12/2009 19:09 - United States

Today, I was on a stationary bike at the gym. I got into a conversation with a very attractive female gym-friend. I felt something cool "down below". I looked down and saw one of my testicles had sneaked out of a hole in my shorts, I quickly looked up only to see her staring at the same thing. FML

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By zappy - 11/10/2009 04:40 - United States

Today, I decided to see if electric dog collars work on human necks. They do. FML

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By carr - 4/3/2011 16:25 - France

Today, my mother noticed that I hadn't taken the trash out in a few weeks and angry, piled various full trash bags on my bed. I've been away on holiday for the past three weeks, I guess she didn't notice that part. FML

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By Dopeydancer - 8/9/2009 13:12 - United Kingdom

Today, after a few drinks with some mates at a bar, we were invited to the dancefloor with some girls. After some dancing and flirting, I felt a cheeky squeeze on my backside, and so I quickly returned the favour without looking back. A few minutes later at the bar, I realised my wallet was gone. FML

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By me - 7/8/2011 07:22 - United States

Today, I arrived at the beach for a week's vacation. I walk on the beach only to find they are "rebuilding" it. They have heavy machinery all over the place, they work 24/7, and this only happens every 15 years. Glad I picked this week. FML

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By SuperShy - 6/9/2016 04:29 - United States - Massillon

Today, I realized just how shy and awkward I really am when I averted my eyes to avoid making eye contact with someone who turned out to be a cardboard cut-out. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/11/2014 21:08 - Canada - Vancouver

Today, I woke up, only to find my Xbox missing. Thankfully I have a security camera discreetly wired up in the tree on my lawn. Checking the tapes, I saw my brother park outside my house, let himself in with his spare key, then drive off with my missing equipment. FML

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By - 7/2/2020 18:00

Bachelor party

Today, I had to cancel my wedding because my fiancé is so hungover from his bachelor party, he's throwing up all over the place, can't stand up straight and is calling me by the stripper's name he met yesterday night. FML

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By Anonymous - 24/11/2013 23:19 - Canada - Surrey

Today, while riding the subway, I fell asleep. I awoke to find that someone had stolen my glasses. From off my face. FML

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By DarkDisaster - 27/12/2012 10:16 - United States

Today, my cat had the greatest idea ever: hide inside our Christmas tree and attack anyone who walks past. It would have come as extremely funny to me if I hadn't been her first victim. FML

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By GHEttoUp - 1/5/2019 02:00

Today, my husband and I are temporarily moved into a cheap apartment in town until settlement for the house we are buying. So far, from my balcony, I’ve a watched a drug deal take place and a man scratch at the ground then lick his hands. It’s going to be a long three weeks. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/12/2017 06:00

Today, I moved back to a small town after 4 years in the city. I was looking forward to getting away from the light pollution until I woke up in the middle of the night, peered into the pitch black void above my head, and had a panic attack. I need a night light at 23. FML

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By Anonymous - 3/7/2019 16:04

Today, despite being the fittest member of my family, with a good exercise routine and a decent diet, I'm the only one who was just diagnosed with diabetes. Meanwhile, the rest of my family are fat, lazy slobs who eat like shit, but are otherwise healthy as horses FML

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By Anonymous - 18/4/2009 03:14 - United States

Today, at the rehearsal for my wedding, my mother told my bride's mother to fuck off. FML

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By JohnyP - 9/7/2011 07:04 - United States

Today, after having my car been broken into the day before because I didn't lock it, I made sure I locked my doors. When I got off shift and entered the parking lot, I noticed a brick had been thrown through my windshield and a note that said, "Nice Try". FML

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By Steven, Customer Service - 17/2/2017 10:00 - United States - Dover Plains

"Where are the white women at?"

Today, I took a call from a man who said his dating apps are connecting him with "black and oriental women" when he only wants white women. I spent 47 minutes on the phone with this customer trying to explain that I am only an AT&T Service Rep and have no control over any dating apps. FML

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By Creepedout - 19/11/2015 03:26 - United States - Wilson

Today, an obese man decided it was okay to share a urinal with me. FML

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By Anonymous - 30/8/2015 13:29 - United States - Fairmont

Today, I found out that while my sister can somehow manage to keep an eye on and control her three preschool-aged children at the park, making sure nobody steals my dog from right beside her is just too big of a job. FML

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By bitter cherry - 29/9/2010 21:29 - United States

Today, I took a cough drop to soothe my sore throat, only to choke, gag, and spend the next ten minutes at the point of vomiting because the bitter lozenge got stuck in my windpipe. FML

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By aww, such a nice guy. NOT - 25/5/2014 17:46 - United States - Dodge City

Today, the previously charming guy I've been seeing for the past two weeks tried to introduce a weekly sex quota into our relationship. FML

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By ineedanotherdrink - 7/8/2009 09:43 - United States

Today, I went out drinking with a female friend I've been crushing on for a while now. After we'd been talking and had a few, She said 'Man, I haven't gotten laid in months! Do you mind?'. Surprised but hopeful, I nodded. She leaned over, hugged me, and went to hit on a guy at the bar. FML

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By BirthdayTeeth - 16/6/2009 11:14 - United Arab Emirates

Today, it was my 18th birthday. I got one thing: a fancy electric toothbrush from my little sister. I would say I'm happy to have something rather than nothing, except, for as long as the toothbrush works, there will be a Hannah Montana concert going on in my mouth. FML

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By CallMeJesusFreak - 23/6/2011 23:58 - United States

Today, I couldn't prove my son has had chickenpox, so his school gave us the option of getting a potentially dangerous shot he didn't need, pay for an expensive blood test to show that he previously had the virus, or sign a waiver stating I'm a religious nut refusing medical treatment. FML

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Top comments

By wtfismyfml | 0

#765858 - Sunday 10 January 2010 12:10

insurance just went up

By FatNinjaCupcake | 0

#2531789 - Thursday 19 May 2011 4:47

Did anyone else notice this says "was was"?

COMMENTS

By wtfismyfml | 0

#765858 - Sunday 10 January 2010 12:10

insurance just went up

By bittersweets | 2

#765864 - Sunday 10 January 2010 12:14

who moderatet this???

Reply

Ohmar | 0

#765882 - Sunday 10 January 2010 12:31

i was just wondering that haha she cant structure a sentence for shit

Reply

gear4 | 29

#5899169 - Saturday 29 March 2014 7:43

You apparently don't know how to grammar for shit, either...

Reply

Kazze | 31

#6109768 - Tuesday 4 November 2014 23:28

#8: Are you seriously complaining about OP's sentence structure? YOU'RE the one that didn't use any puntuation, capitalization, or apostrophes.

By Mustardnight | 3

#765866 - Sunday 10 January 2010 12:14

Haha it might be you sleepwalking. Is it a pontiac or a saturn? Could just be the usual mechanical problems.

Reply

lifeinhd | 3

#766074 - Sunday 10 January 2010 16:16

Actually, my father once worked with a man whose Mitsubishi was parked and one day decided to randomly catch fire. That being said, I wouldn't put it past a Pontiac to do the same.

Reply

Cjw1220 | 0

#1173766 - Monday 2 August 2010 1:59

Pontiacs can be very reliable cars you douchenozzle jackknob dingbat hair diaper dumpster baby trash eating fat whore

By happypapp12 | 0

#765870 - Sunday 10 January 2010 12:17

First

Reply

PirateMan | 0

#765881 - Sunday 10 January 2010 12:30

awww try harder next time and you will definately get first xxx

Reply

Americunt | 0

#765998 - Sunday 10 January 2010 15:09

More like No. 5
Anyways, I live in Maryland, and the police is pretty okay, but the city people are shitty.

Come to Maryland! We long for attractive people.

Reply

chrissy888 | 0

#767740 - Monday 11 January 2010 9:37

ooh! A state with no attractive people that wants attractive people?? I'm THERE. lol, not.

Reply

Americunt | 0

#767908 - Monday 11 January 2010 12:28

We have lots of attractive people, but they are usually in a relationship.

By love_suicide | 0

#765880 - Sunday 10 January 2010 12:28

lmao sux for you

By mylifeiscrazi | 1

#765883 - Sunday 10 January 2010 12:32

I'm sorry, u got an enemy?

By Ohmar | 0

#765884 - Sunday 10 January 2010 12:33

cant* well that shut me up

By simawesome_FYL | 0

#765917 - Sunday 10 January 2010 13:19

well next time think better before destroying other peoples cars ... the same might happen to you ...

Reply

vexis58 | 1

#766739 - Sunday 10 January 2010 23:58

What do you mean? The OP didn't do anything to anyone else's car. It DID happen to her. I'm confused. Are you directing that statement to the burglars?

By leoofbodom | 0

#765952 - Sunday 10 January 2010 14:01

your fault for doing shit in school so having a shitty job so living in a bad area

By GiRIsMakingCupca | 0

#765972 - Sunday 10 January 2010 14:45

woahh :)