Intimacy and Health: Today, my dad knocked me down the steps while chasing my brother... - FML

Nearly

01/10/2021 22:55

Today, I just had the best sex in all my life. After that, my ex-girlfriend dumped me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20

You deserved it 3

28/09/2021 01:05

Today, I found out my dog of 11 years has very severe cancer. Her spleen, which has swollen to the size of a football, had a small rupture a day ago and would fatally within a week, we'll be putting her down tomorrow. FML

I agree, your life sucks 86

You deserved it 5

Spicy

Spicy

Weird flex, but OK

By Anonymous - 17/10/2021 08:01

Spicy

Today, I’m aware that comparing yourself too much to other people can make you unhappy. I now learned that the same goes for comparing yourself to objects. For example, between myself and the shared toilet in my student house, guess who has the most pubic hair? FML

I agree, your life sucks 405

You deserved it 111

Nice try, though

By Anonymous - 16/10/2021 20:00

Spicy

Today, I bought a $100 Victoria's Secret gift card for an ex who I still have a thing for, only to find out she started dating someone else a week ago. I just realized I bought lingerie for her to wear for someone else. FML

I agree, your life sucks 166

You deserved it 1 419

30/06/2018 20:30

Today, my dad knocked me down the steps while chasing my brother around the house shouting, "Get back here you pervert!" at the top of his lungs. I have a concussion and a vertebrae fracture because my dad is a religious nutjob and he caught my 22-year-old brother having premarital sex. FML

I agree, your life sucks 5 238

You deserved it 317

Intimacy Health

Mama's boy

Dementia or hate? You decide

Unhappy Birthday

28/05/2016 05:23

Spicy

Today, I realized my recent weight loss probably wasn't caused by working out and eating more healthily. It was from the tapeworm I discovered hanging out my ass after I took a crap. I had to pull it out with my bare hands. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 400

You deserved it 4 038

Heavy load

By w…… - 28/04/2021 23:01

Today, I was getting ready for work. When I stepped back, my ankle rolled and my fat ass landed on it with my foot sideways under me. Now I’m in a boot for 6 weeks and have 6 weeks of physical therapy ahead of me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 770

You deserved it 133

23/03/2012 21:46

Today, I still can't find a job to support myself. The only experience I have is a month in retail and a summer spent in a kitchen de-pooping shrimp. FML

I agree, your life sucks 22 674

You deserved it 4 085

17/05/2012 05:05

Today, my first date consisted of him and me in the emergency room of the hospital after his little brother hit me in the face with a baseball bat. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 029

You deserved it 1 990

16/04/2009 18:42

Spicy

Today, I was dressing in my apartment when I noticed I left the blinds open. Outside, a maintenance man was mowing the grass within eyeshot. I figured I'd leave the blinds open and give him a little peek of the goods. Later I found a note on my window saying, 'Next time, close the blinds'. FML

I agree, your life sucks 23 305

You deserved it 120 092

13/06/2013 04:04

Today, I woke up early to travel to the office headquarters 3.5 hours away for important meetings. After waking up at 5.30am, picking up all my colleagues and driving 40 min out of town, I realised I was wearing my woolen house slippers. They were the only pair of shoes I'd brought on the trip. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 570

You deserved it 9 474

06/07/2015 23:02

Today, I was finally going to break down my social barrier by going out on a date with a nice guy I recently met on a dating site. Just at the start of the date, he asked me how old I was, and out of pure nervousness, I blurted out, "12!" I'm 24. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 271

You deserved it 6 048

23/02/2017 01:00

Today, nobody wanted to come to my graduation after finding out that my father was coming too. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6 824

You deserved it 447

06/07/2009 20:27

Today, my girlfriend came over to talk. She just got back from a small vacation. She asked me to feed her dogs while she was gone, so I did. I even stayed with them at times so they wouldnt get lonely. My girlfriend had come over to break up with me. She didn't do so earlier because she needed her dogs fed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 60 892

You deserved it 3 215

27/10/2010 17:19

Today, I proposed to my girlfriend. She said she wanted to stay just friends. Not only did I get denied, apparently we're also "just friends." FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 265

You deserved it 3 575

19/12/2012 15:26

Today, the girl I dumped three years ago because she wouldn't take my band seriously is now a successful and rich environmental scientist. Meanwhile, I'm still unemployed, living with my parents, and can barely remember how to play a guitar. FML

I agree, your life sucks 12 963

You deserved it 82 361

18/04/2013 04:01

Today, after years of loaning my mother countless amounts of cash that never get paid back, borrowing $60 from her, and being just one day late paying it off due to food poisoning, she sends a very large man to my door to collect, like she's Tony Soprano. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 343

You deserved it 4 916

29/12/2009 10:57

Today, was very chilly. My little sister felt sorry for my two goldfish swimming in the cold water. She decided to put them in hot water. They died. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 256

You deserved it 3 043

30/04/2009 20:54

Today, my sister had her batmitzvah. During the party, there is a tradition where the batmitzvah gets lifted on a chair, and so does her family. It was my turn after my sister's. I got in the chair. They couldn't lift me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 50 183

You deserved it 28 532

13/06/2019 05:15

Spicy

Today, I woke up at 1:39 a.m. to my dad's phone going off, only to hear my parents having sex. It's now 2:12 a.m. and I can still hear them going at it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 781

You deserved it 217

31/08/2009 18:10

Today, I found some .pdf files on my wife's computer. They were forms that had been filled out except for the date and the "reason" section. They were divorce papers. When confronted about it she said, "Well, if you piss me off really bad, I want to write down why before I calm down." FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 757

You deserved it 4 147

I don't care

By Anonymous - 13/02/2020 19:00

Spicy

Today, my girlfriend sent me a revenge video of her having sex with another guy, because I cheated on her. I got angry with her, but later used the video to masturbate. FML

I agree, your life sucks 663

You deserved it 5 134

Oh, hai Mark!

By SHAME! - 20/05/2019 16:02

Today, I ran into an attractive friend of a friend I hadn't seen since a night out last month. I tried my best to be friendly and interesting, but he still seemed awkward. Later I found out that the last time he saw me I was blind drunk and vomiting after having propositioned him all evening. FML

I agree, your life sucks 935

You deserved it 1 863

02/03/2013 03:17

Today, after months of my doctor telling me that my heart palpitations are simply due to anxiety, and that I'm perfectly healthy, I decided to weight train to face my fears. Two hours later, I was in the emergency room. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 354

You deserved it 3 232

17/12/2013 21:17

Today, my husband called me from the store, trying to decide whether or not to buy the new games console he's been wanting. I'd already purchased one and hid it, ready for Christmas Day. I couldn't talk him into not buying himself one. There goes a $500 surprise. FML

I agree, your life sucks 48 044

You deserved it 6 988

04/11/2012 05:30

Today, my daughter brought home her new boyfriend. He has a neck tattoo, and his life's dream is to be a professional "beer pong" player. FML

I agree, your life sucks 30 942

You deserved it 3 486

30/11/2009 17:09

Today, my friend found a picture of herself on a website filled with pictures of thin people. I was in the picture, also. I was crossed-out with the word, "EWW" written next to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 076

You deserved it 4 307

01/03/2009 00:33

Spicy

Today, my dad had gotten a new cell phone. So I started to mess around with the cool features on his phone and stumbled upon some pictures he had taken. Next thing I know I'm looking at my mom going down on my dad. FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 196

You deserved it 27 214

06/08/2013 17:01

Today, the window cleaner did his rounds at my house. I sat at my mirror applying makeup and doing my hair. When he came to my window, he yelled rather loudly, "Stop putting on a show for me, you dirty slut!" FML

I agree, your life sucks 52 305

You deserved it 6 666

Pants on fire

By Rae - 25/10/2020 08:02

Today, I found out that my mother doesn't have Alzheimer's disease. This would be joyous news, except for the fact that one year prior to this day my grandmother lied to me so that I'd stay closer to home. I've been worrying over a nonexistent illness for an entire year. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 222

You deserved it 57

29/08/2012 04:59

Today, I had to wait in a hospital room because I cut myself with a knife while trying to open a box of soda. After three stitches, I went home only to notice the box has an easy-open tab. FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 308

You deserved it 31 628

20/12/2008 08:16

Today, I opened a packet of cereal and it exploded on my keyboard; now, my keyboard crackles. FML

I agree, your life sucks 19 671

You deserved it 12 212

23/03/2013 20:15

Today, after I had changed my number to get away from my abusive ex, my mom decided to give him my new one. She insists that I need to give him another chance. FML

I agree, your life sucks 56 068

You deserved it 3 412

28/08/2013 17:47

Today, my sister announced that she and her boyfriend are getting married. Her boyfriend is my husband. We're not even legally divorced yet. FML

I agree, your life sucks 71 951

You deserved it 4 343

11/03/2010 01:10

Spicy

Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex, when he finished, seemingly angry. He stood there naked complaining for 15 minutes about how our sex sucked. Then he demanded that I dress him because "it's my fault his clothes were off in the first place". FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 833

You deserved it 5 605

28/06/2011 02:10

Today, I couldn't figure out what was worse: accidentally dropping my car keys into the bottom of a filthy park lake, or getting a fishhook through my toenail in an attempt to retrieve them. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 829

You deserved it 5 096

16/03/2009 17:40

Today, I had a meeting with my super-hot TA. When I got to her office, she complimented me for being early, to which I thoughtfully replied "oh I usually come early." She laughed. FML

I agree, your life sucks 58 233

You deserved it 33 883

21/10/2014 00:29

Spicy

Today, my little sister decided it would be funny to hide in the washroom closet while I was taking a piss. I wasn't pissing, I was wanking. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 301

You deserved it 14 420

13/10/2008 08:20

Today, I woke up and switched on the TV. The first thing I saw was a picture of a wanted rapist, who looks just like me. I'm afraid to leave home. FML

I agree, your life sucks 326 392

You deserved it 33 685

11/11/2018 11:30

Today, I took a big, smelly, satisfying dump when I woke up. When I tried to flush, nothing happened. None of my four roommates bothered to tell me we didn’t have running water. FML

I agree, your life sucks 2 922

You deserved it 278

20/08/2011 00:22

Today, my grandmother sat me down and gave me a talk about the importance of personal hygiene. According to her, it's important that I shower twice a day, because "Fat people tend to have a most curious smell about them." FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 540

You deserved it 11 996

My eyes are up here

By LonelyCashier - 11/07/2019 20:00

Today, an old woman came into my store for help. Towards the end, she asked me my name. I told her while pointing at my name tag. She then replied, "Oh! I didn't notice since I was staring at your boobs. Much prettier to look at." Sadly, this is the first time I've been hit on in months. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 972

You deserved it 190

Fortunate Son

By Anonymous - 03/05/2012 23:35

Today, I had a look at the pictures my mom took during my birthday a couple of weeks ago. Every single one is of my sister. Her lighting the candles, her watching me open presents, and her eating cake. The only pictures of me are in the background. FML

I agree, your life sucks 32 849

You deserved it 1 951

25/05/2010 04:44

Today, my little sister tripped when trying to walk up the stairs with a sandwich in one hand and my laptop in the other. She choose to save her sandwich instead of my £500 laptop. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 657

You deserved it 3 713

Move it, now!

By Anonymous - 24/07/2020 05:01

Today, I had just gotten out of the bath when a police officer knocked on my door. I answered in my towel, and he told me I had to leave due to a bomb scare. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 424

You deserved it 111

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Saturday 30 June 2018 22:40

I'm sure he was confused after walking in on your brother giving his husband head. that could be quite the shock

thatslifeiguess7 16

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Saturday 30 June 2018 21:34

where's your mom in all this

Comments

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Saturday 30 June 2018 21:26

I hope you called the police.

real life problems 26

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Saturday 30 June 2018 23:13

What? lol

thatslifeiguess7 16

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Saturday 30 June 2018 21:34

where's your mom in all this

Emma Marshall 19

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Saturday 30 June 2018 23:23

Probably also a religious nutjob

boopingsnoot 24

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Sunday 1 July 2018 2:11

I’m guessing dad divorced her for suggesting birth control

DanielleinDC 32

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Sunday 1 July 2018 4:39

Religious nutjobs tend to be against divorce as well.

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Saturday 30 June 2018 21:53

I feel bad for bursting in laughter picturing this (not so much you falling) but your dad chasing your brother.

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Saturday 30 June 2018 22:40

I'm sure he was confused after walking in on your brother giving his husband head. that could be quite the shock

ViviMage 38

Saturday 30 June 2018 23:48

Your father will pay for the medical bills since he basically assaulted you. And if he doesn't, sue him for damages. Then he'll see premarital sex is the least of his worries and maybe be less nuts about enforcing his religious beliefs. Do you honestly think religion will keep a

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Sunday 1 July 2018 1:32

Is your Dad Homer Simpson by chance?

Nhayaa 21

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Sunday 1 July 2018 6:02

I don't know if I feel sorry about you ended into the hospital or you having such a dad... but yep, big FML.

Davros 12

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Sunday 1 July 2018 10:14

Dear lord, I thank thee for the blow job I am about to receive.

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Sunday 1 July 2018 14:46

Am I the only one wondering what your father do to your brother once he's been caught.

TergesteCity 11

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Sunday 1 July 2018 15:19

Hope you can get out of there soon.