Today, my dad knocked me down the steps while chasing my brother... - FML

By call me humpty - 30/6/2018 20:30

Today, my dad knocked me down the steps while chasing my brother around the house shouting, "Get back here you pervert!" at the top of his lungs. I have a concussion and a vertebrae fracture because my dad is a religious nutjob and he caught my 22-year-old brother having premarital sex. FML

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Rock, hard place

Assumptions

Gordon Ramsey called, you're an idiot sandwich

By WHAT A NICE GUY YOU ARE, SIR SHITSPAWN!!!1! - 9/8/2013 22:13 - United States

Today, this weird kid in class asked me on a date. He claims to be a werewolf. His excuse for not being able to turn into one? A "rare disease." His excuse for everyone rejecting him? "Friend-zoning bitches." I was the last resort even for a jackoff "nice guy" werewolf. FML

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By Jbs4lf - 27/12/2011 03:15 - Belgium

Today, I got punched in the face by a drunk because I couldn't give him any cigarettes. I don't smoke. FML

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By stupid - 21/12/2010 15:21 - Ireland

Today, I walked to school in -5 degree weather, snow up to ankles, for an exam. The school had closed and warned all the parents, but mine didn't tell me, because it was "funnier". FML

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By Cirese Summerrose - 21/9/2019 18:00

Sharing is caring

Today, I found out I have herpes. I'm 9 months pregnant and have only been with my husband. It just so happens that our roommate just got over herpes. I thought they were just spending time together, bonding. FML

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By seadrick - 6/6/2015 16:19 - Canada - Granville Ferry

Today, I learned that not only do wood ticks have a habit of dropping off of branches onto you as you walk under them, they also like to hang out in groups of five or six. FML

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By Female Struggles - 16/5/2014 23:20 - United States - Denver

Today, while I was waiting at the bus stop, a car that looked like my mom's pulled up. Thinking it was actually her, I walked up and jokingly asked what she was into. The guy inside now thinks that I'm a prostitute. FML

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By bertthelamb - 17/2/2009 17:05 - United States

Today, I spent $20 on a spray tan, $30 to have my make up done, and $50 on a pretty new dress all for a special date with my boyfriend. It turns out I spent $100 just to get dumped. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/8/2019 22:05 - United States - Raleigh

Today, my mom proudly told me that she found the perfect thing to combat my B.O. Extra strength degreaser. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/11/2009 05:05 - Canada

Today, the guy I've been dating texted me to say he joined an online dating site. He must have thought I was the best person to share this information with. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/6/2014 21:15 - Canada - London

Today, my son got a beating. Apparently, he went to a club, waited until he saw a couple of girls pulling a duckface for a photo, then rushed over and threw pieces of bread at them. Their boyfriends, not too surprisingly, didn't appreciate this. I had to drive the idiot home from the hospital. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/4/2016 20:18 - United States

Today, I found out how acidic some of the chemicals I work with are. After a chemical shower, minor burns, and having to throw away my clothes due to a biohazard, I had the pleasure of running across the parking lot to my car, wearing only a lab coat around my waist. FML

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By annoyed - 22/1/2015 20:23 - United States - Berkeley

Today, I was diagnosed with gonorrhea. My dad's reaction was to slowly clap at the news then giggle at his own joke. FML

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By Trey Wipperfurth-Eisner - 13/6/2019 05:15

Today, I woke up at 1:39 a.m. to my dad's phone going off, only to hear my parents having sex. It's now 2:12 a.m. and I can still hear them going at it. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/8/2010 10:24 - United Kingdom

Today, I had to moisturise my dog's testicles because they got sunburnt. FML

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By Alyssa - 21/3/2012 01:33 - Canada - Toronto

Today, I paid $50 on a haircut. Halfway through, I realized the hair dresser was drunk. FML

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By Mia - 12/12/2018 17:00 - India - Mumbai

Today, my boyfriend and I were about to get it on. That's when the bell rang. He said, 'I'll just be back'. 5 minutes later, still no sign of him. I wrapped myself in a towel and went to the hall. Turns out his new PS4 had arrived. He said, 'I forgot you were here, sorry' and continued to play. FML

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By carrie - 13/1/2009 06:41 - Algeria

Today, I'm a 23 year old girl who often has to wear two pairs of socks. I don't have four feet, but I have no boobs. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/3/2010 15:38 - United States

Today, I took my girlfriend of five and a half years to family dinner at a restaurant. After we all had finished dessert, I got down on one knee, pulled out my great grandmother's ring and proposed. The entire restaurant was dead silent. She looked around and then slowly walked out. FML

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By kristajoy2001 - 1/9/2019 00:02

Today, my boyfriend and I were having sex. All of the sudden, he whispered in my ear, "Do you want to hear a Minecraft joke?" FML

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By LexMarie12 - 15/3/2017 18:00

Help, I'm stranded!

Today, at work, it was so windy that it started taking the door off its hinges. The door now won't close all the way. I can't leave until someone comes to fix it. FML

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By Hatty - 14/3/2010 10:50 - United Kingdom

Today, I was sitting on the toilet when I felt something brush my shoulder. I turned around in fright, and one of my bum cheeks slipped off the seat and into the toilet, making me fall sideways and hit my face on the toilet roll holder. I now have a black eye. It was my hair on my shoulder. FML

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By uofpalum - 19/3/2009 01:41 - United States

Today, I stayed over at my grandparents' house. I woke up and had to brush my teeth. My grandma asked if I had found a toothbrush to use. I told her that I used my old purple toothbrush. She told me that was the toothbrush she used to brush her toenails. FML

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By Sarah_Mow - 28/10/2016 02:31

Today, I was changing my tampon in a public bathroom. As I was about to put the tampon into the sanitary bin, I dropped it and it rolled under the stall next to mine. It was occupied. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/9/2013 17:23 - United States - Philadelphia

Today, a girl who's in charge of a group project that I get graded on, asked if Bill Gates was a Founding Father. She was totally serious. I'm screwed. FML

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By KJL - 29/8/2011 15:38 - United States

Today, I found my husband Googling Morse Code. He thinks his farts are trying to communicate with him. FML

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By cantfallbackasleep - 22/10/2015 14:05 - Canada - Calgary

Today, I was called a ruthless bitch for not waking up early to search for my car keys, so my boyfriend could go get his pipe and get high before work. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/10/2011 09:07 - Australia

Today, my boyfriend asked my father for permission to marry me. My father refused, on the basis that I'm the only person in the house with a job, and if I leave he will have to start looking for work. My boyfriend won't marry me without his permission, and my lazy father won't change his mind. FML

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By Lady - 11/1/2010 00:21 - United States

Today, I had to clean my house to hide the evidence of the party I threw last night. I attempted to clean the puke stain on my carpet while still drunk. I didn't realize until this morning that the All Purpose cleaner I used was actually All Purpose Adhesive. The evidence is now glued to my carpet. FML

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By pinkjade - 25/10/2011 07:17 - Canada

Today, I was napping. I woke up to my pillow making some sounds. Thinking it was my head shifting my pillow, I went back to sleep. Later on I woke up to the sounds again, and a mouse staring at my face. FML

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By SGreene - 6/5/2017 20:00

Today, a storm dropped a tree across my road. I would have moved it with my tractor, but there was a tree on that too. FML

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By Baconcook3000 - 23/7/2011 11:00 - United Kingdom

Today, my girlfriend broke up with me because I put 7 kisses at the end of a text instead of 10. She said that our relationship was bound to fail if "I can't remember important things like that". FML

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By MIA - 15/9/2019 06:03

Today, on Maury…

Today, my husband of four years finally told me he has an eight-year-old son. FML

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By - 8/3/2019 12:00

Today, my teacher told me that unless I went into medicine, math, or engineering, I would never amount to anything in life. This wasn't even two minutes after I told him I want to be an author. FML

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By Kellie - 31/12/2011 09:55 - United States

Today, I found a hidden camera in my room equipped with night vision and a microphone. My parents have been spying on me for at least the past year. FML

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By liltravol23 - 15/1/2009 11:36 - United States

Today, the only cute girl in my office made fun of me because I'm 27 and bring fruit cups with my lunch. FML

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By lil123 - 25/3/2012 04:40 - Canada - Calgary

Today, my boyfriend wrote a song for me. As he was singing it to me I realized it was actually a breakup song. FML

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By -_- - 7/10/2015 11:29 - United States - San Francisco

Today, at a soccer game held by my girlfriend's family, some idiot went to kick the ball, missed by a mile, and hit the ground hard. So I started a slow, sarcastic clap. I got a load of angry looks, followed by verbal abuse when we found out he'd split his head open on the ground. FML

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By MrTandy - 16/9/2011 02:38 - United States

Today, I was working when I delivered the standard "Hello, how are you?" to a customer. He took the opportunity to tell me about his deceased wife, his estranged children, and his anal tearing. After a while, I tried to help someone else, and he complained to my manager. I was written up. FML

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By HappyNewYearsToMeAndMyCat - 1/1/2015 05:25 - Canada - Victoria

Today, I'm celebrating New Years with my cat. I made her a cake. FML

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By Anonymous - 17/7/2020 02:01

Lazy comeback

Today, I was doing my job and trying to teach a lazy bunch of 16-year-olds. A girl entered the room just 15 minutes before class ended, so I snapped, "Someone had better have died for you to be this late!" She immediately burst into tears. Turns out, someone had. FML

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Top comments

By openawhole00 | 6

#7655458 - Saturday 30 June 2018 22:40

I'm sure he was confused after walking in on your brother giving his husband head. that could be quite the shock

By thatslifeiguess7 | 15

#7655443 - Saturday 30 June 2018 21:34

where's your mom in all this

COMMENTS

By RoseCrystal | 17

#7655440 - Saturday 30 June 2018 21:26

I hope you called the police.

Reply

real life problems | 26

#7655462 - Saturday 30 June 2018 23:13

What? lol

By thatslifeiguess7 | 15

#7655443 - Saturday 30 June 2018 21:34

where's your mom in all this

Reply

Emma Marshall | 19

#7655465 - Saturday 30 June 2018 23:23

Probably also a religious nutjob

Reply

boopingsnoot | 23

#7655512 - Sunday 1 July 2018 2:11

I’m guessing dad divorced her for suggesting birth control

Reply

DanielleinDC | 32

#7655529 - Sunday 1 July 2018 4:39

Religious nutjobs tend to be against divorce as well.

By moonlight77 | 28

#7655449 - Saturday 30 June 2018 21:53

I feel bad for bursting in laughter picturing this (not so much you falling) but your dad chasing your brother.

By openawhole00 | 6

#7655458 - Saturday 30 June 2018 22:40

I'm sure he was confused after walking in on your brother giving his husband head. that could be quite the shock

By ViviMage | 38

#7655475 - Saturday 30 June 2018 23:48

Your father will pay for the medical bills since he basically assaulted you.

And if he doesn't, sue him for damages.

Then he'll see premarital sex is the least of his worries and maybe be less nuts about enforcing his religious beliefs.

Do you honestly think religion will keep a

By tounces7 | 26

#7655500 - Sunday 1 July 2018 1:32

Is your Dad Homer Simpson by chance?

By Nhayaa | 20

#7655535 - Sunday 1 July 2018 6:02

I don't know if I feel sorry about you ended into the hospital or you having such a dad... but yep, big FML.

By Davros | 12

#7655578 - Sunday 1 July 2018 10:14

Dear lord, I thank thee for the blow job I am about to receive.

By Lobby_Bee | 17

#7655638 - Sunday 1 July 2018 14:46

Am I the only one wondering what your father do to your brother once he's been caught.

By TergesteCity | 11

#7655654 - Sunday 1 July 2018 15:19

Hope you can get out of there soon.