Today, I was skinny dipping with some cute girls from school,...

By Loser - 29/6/2018 13:30 - United States - Winona

Today, I was skinny dipping with some cute girls from school, one of which I really like. Everything was great until I caught a fish on my own personal nightcrawler and they had to take me to the ER. I'll forever be known as "salmon dick". FML

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Intimacy

Instadrama

Boom, headshot

Not gonna happen

By beccav23 - 25/10/2011 16:08 - United States

He's got the moves

Today, my boyfriend thought it would be a good idea to viciously rip off my thong. My ass crack is numb. FML

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By killmenow - 10/9/2012 17:52 - United States - Seattle

Today, I was out shopping, when I noticed a teenage girl with a double stroller picking up a pack of condoms. I couldn't help but mutter that it was a little late for those. A guy who must have been her boyfriend then stormed over and beat the shit out of me. FML

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By Cherub - 3/5/2009 22:16 - United Kingdom

Today, it's my wedding day. It was meant to be perfect. The bouquet, along with a high pollen count, set my hay fever off. I walked down the aisle in front of 200 people with streaming eyes and a runny nose; I then had a sneezing fit during my vows and blew a large snot bubble. Real attractive. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/12/2009 05:31 - United States

Today, I told my boyfriend he is good at singing. Now he won't stop. FML

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By neverforgetyourphone - 5/3/2015 01:18 - Canada - Barrie

Today, I got into an accident. As I was talking to a police officer about what happened, the tow truck driver managed to take my car and drive away, leaving me with no phone or wallet. I just spent an hour walking home in a hail storm. FML

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By for my brother in law - 27/7/2016 07:10 - United States - Oxnard

Today, I sent a love message to my wife asking if she was horny. Minutes later, I realized that I sent it to my mother in law. FML

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By fml9124 - 20/3/2020 18:00

Quick reflexes

Today, my girlfriend's 8-year-old daughter decided that I'm going to marry her mom and send her to an orphanage. I blurted out, "Marriage?! No one's talking about marriage!" Now my girlfriend is mad at me, and her daughter is still scared of me. FML

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By Staying Home Today - 4/3/2014 12:25 - United States - Severn

Today, my driver's-side door was so frozen that the locking mechanism wouldn't move. My passenger-side door's lock worked, but the door itself wouldn't budge. The door handle on the other hand, budged quite well. It budged right off its hinges. FML

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By broken - 28/7/2009 17:12 - Saudi Arabia

Today, my family and I were just about to leave the house for the vacation that I had been saving up for 3 years. I was coming down the stairs with a heavy suitcase and I tripped and fell breaking my leg, now my family's gone without me while I'm in hospital. I paid for the vacation. FML

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By mayoshampoo - 1/9/2014 16:59 - Canada - Toronto

Today, someone, and I still can't figure out who, switched my shampoo with mayonnaise. FML

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By bathroomblunder - 7/3/2010 02:38 - Canada

Today, I went to Starbucks to use the bathroom. After I knocked on the door, and turned the handle, this little old lady rips the door open and goes "I WAS TAKING A DUMP. YOU WANNA COME IN AND WIPE MY SHIT? DO YOU?!" and then continued to ask me the same question for five minutes. FML

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By somuchhatesolittleworld - 10/5/2016 02:00 - United States - Houston

Today, I started my first training day using an MRI machine and completely forgot to remove my nipple piercings before I went in. I've never experienced a pain so vile and lingering in my life. FML

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By deadinavan - 13/10/2010 12:57 - Germany

Today, I found out the man I'm getting a ride from drives a windowless van and is "excited to see me". My friends had encouraged me to sign up for the cheap-ride program because it was less expensive than taking a train. If I never come back, look for a windowless van somewhere in Europe. FML

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By CandyMachine - 16/2/2011 23:58 - United States

Today, I went to the vending machine, put in a dollar, and reached down to grab my snack. The slot door wouldn't open, so I pushed it harder. I got my hand in, but the door got stuck again, this time with my hand inside. I tried to push with my other hand. It got stuck too. FML

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By wasntme - 10/5/2020 08:00

Pay up

Today, I got a bill for $62.70 because my company gave my last work car to some idiot who doesn't like to pay the toll road fees. They never took me off the registration. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/7/2009 07:06 - United States

Today, I rode my bike to work. Once there, I realized I forgot my bike lock. For fear of it being stolen, I quickly rode home and took my car instead. When I got home, I realized my bike was missing. Someone stole it from my backyard. FML

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By unfriendlyskies - 2/4/2012 23:40 - United States - Central Falls

Today, I called an airline's customer service line. Apparently the way that they deal with uncommon problems is by having someone put you on hold for twenty minutes, answer and yell something unintelligible at you, put you back on hold, and repeat. This went on for over an hour. FML

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By kagan - 8/8/2019 14:00

Today, the only food in the house is canned beans and vegetables that I can’t stand. My dad refuses to go to the store because, "we can't afford it." Meanwhile, my stepmom just came home with a brand new Gucci purse. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/6/2010 01:27 - United States

Today, I found out my 19 year old daughter is pregnant. The father is a toss up between my 45 year-old best friend, and the 30 year old guy who cleans our pool. FML

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By anonymous - 2/11/2014 04:51 - United States - Vacaville

Today, my boyfriend was giving me a back massage while I was laying on my stomach. A few minutes into it, he stopped. I turned around to see why; he was taking a picture of my butt. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/1/2011 18:22 - United Kingdom

Today, several family members, including my mum, deleted me from Facebook in a concerted show of contempt. Apparently, I just can't shut up about World of Warcraft. FML

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By Nickname - 28/7/2011 02:02 - United States

Today, I was browsing the web when I checked the search history. Turns out my son has been searching for "nude grills" and "hot grills." Not only is my 12-year-old son attempting to find porn on the internet, he also can't spell. FML

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By Anonymous - 8/7/2020 14:01

Love knows no boundaries

Today, I found out my son's girlfriend is actually a webcam porn star he pays for private sessions. He’s somehow convinced himself they have a real relationship, and is spending thousands of pounds every week, on his credit card I may add. FML

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By Z88 - 21/4/2010 20:29 - South Africa

Today, a customer came into the music shop I work in to look at guitars. After calling the customer "Dude," and "Man," numerous times, they stalked off suddenly. When I asked if everything was okay, they responded with, "I'm female, you asshole!" FML

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By ICantBelieveThis - 6/3/2010 14:31 - United States

Today, I had sex with my girlfriend in her room. That means: Jonas Brothers posters on the wall, Jonas Brothers pillows, sheets, comforter and stuffed dog. After we did it, she apologized to her posters for having to see that, since they're pure. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/6/2020 20:04

More proof the system is broken

Today, my younger sister, who lives at home and worked 1 day a week at the gym, got her unemployment card. I work at a hospital, on the frontlines, with COVID-19 patients. I don't get hazard pay. She now makes more than me in a week by sitting at home watching Netflix, while I risk my life every day to help people. FML

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By horn-y - 23/11/2010 18:23 - United States

Today, while my mom was out, I took the car out to CVS to get some food, even though I'm not legally allowed to drive. As soon as I got back in the car, my mom pulled up 2 parking spaces away from me. She didn't notice me bend down to hide... until I accidentally hit the horn in the process. FML

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By Dispute - 8/8/2011 05:30 - Canada

Today, I was driving home from a long day at work fixing people's electronics. When I got home, I got a call from work saying I needed to go back and help a customer with their TV again. When I got there, after an hour of driving, I realized I'd accidentally kicked the power cord out. FML

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By Anonymous - 28/1/2011 11:44 - United States

Today, at work, a homeless woman called me trash, threw her coffee at me, and told me to get a job. I do have a job. It's homeless outreach. FML

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By fabs1171 - 29/11/2012 05:40 - Australia - Chatswood

Today, I caught the train into the city. Halfway there some kids hopped on smelling of marijuana and alcohol. Their topic of discussion? How much pubic hair they had. FML

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By Anonymous - 22/10/2010 09:04 - Australia

Today, I was walking home down a small street while listening to my iPod. I really got into the music, and started to dance really badly, only to realise there was a car following me, trying to get past. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/8/2015 06:13 - United States - Brookfield

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me because he wasn't feeling our two-month relationship was up to par with his parents' 30-year marriage, and, furthermore, I wasn't similar enough to his mother. FML

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By WoWWidow - 2/9/2011 08:02 - United States

Today, my husband went in for surgery and handed me an important document. It wasn't a will or anything similar, but a list of items and gold he wanted passed on to guild members on World of Warcraft. FML

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By Anonymous - 5/1/2012 04:18 - United States

Today, I found my missing shoe. It hit me as it fell out the tree in our front yard. FML

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By creepedouthostess - 17/6/2009 07:12 - United States

Today, while working in a restaurant, I took an elderly man to his table under a red colored lamp. He asked me if this was "the red light district." I thought he was just kidding until when I was placing down the menus he leaned in and whispered creepily in my ear, "You know, you're really sexy." FML

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By Jelly_Hell - 3/11/2016 20:24

Today, I almost got hit by a car because the kid in the back who was wearing headphones was paying more attention to the road than the driver. He only just stopped her. FML

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By dieold - 28/1/2009 12:15 - United States

Today, I went to a birthday party at my girlfriends house. When her little brother was about to blow out the candles I slipped my hand into her sisters back pocket and squeeze her ass, thinking it was my girlfriend. She freaked out and now her family thinks I'm a pervert. FML

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By Anonymous - 31/10/2011 16:22 - United States

Today, I convinced my teacher to let me resit a very important test I failed. I got a lower score the second time around. FML

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By deserved - 29/10/2009 14:27 - United States

Today, after feeling fat and ugly and a bit depressed, I logged on to Facebook to see my boyfriend had posted "I have the most beautiful girlfriend in the world!" I 'liked' it and commented "Aww thank you baby!" I logged in later to see that he commented back saying "I didn't mean you." FML

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By Anon - 26/5/2009 17:45 - United Kingdom

Today, I was at a mall. A woman stopped by me, said slowly and loudly, in Spanish "baño?" Knowing a bit of Spanish, I nodded and pointed the restrooms out for her. She then mutters about "dang Mexicans and their inability to speak English". I'm not even Latina. I'm Irish-American. FML

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Top comments

By Leeono | 26

#7648372 - Friday 15 June 2018 11:03

It’s not the size of the worm but how you wiggle it.

By John Nemeth | 14

#7655079 - Friday 29 June 2018 22:06

This would make an amazing tinder bio.

Hey there names Blake,
People told me it’s impossible to catch a fish with your penis.

Well I can proudly say I have proved them wrong. And yes I still have my penis.