Today, I found out that my roommate of 4 years is sleeping with... - FML

By Kiki - United States - Littleton

Today, I found out that my roommate of 4 years is sleeping with my ex of 7 years. Yesterday, she showed up to court as a witness for him and lied on the stand to try to get the protection order dropped. She's on the lease, so I have to live with this snake for 2 more months. FML

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Rock, hard place

Alexa, play "Paranoid" by Black Sabbath

Caught red-handed

By Anonymous - United States - Ewa Beach

Today, I was taking a piss when a fly landed inside the urinal. I thought it would be funny to try to aim and pee on it until it flew away and I stupidly continued aiming, peeing all over the floor and the wall. Another man came in time to see it. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Annandale

Today, I saw the girl that I've had a crush on forever riding her horse on the side of the road. She waved, and without thinking, I honked my horn in response. Her horse bucked her off. FML

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By debiebs - Brazil - Salvador

Today, I found out that my boyfriend has a Facebook account. He said he didn't have one. Apparently he's not divorced after all. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I got fired from the job I'd had for eleven years for going onto Facebook while on the clock. When I got home, I saw that my boss had updated his status, from work, to "Finally fired that bitch." FML

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By SadMan - United States

Today, I went to ask my boss for a raise. Turns out they are firing 35 people. I wasn't on the list until I asked for a raise. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Toronto

Today, my boyfriend and I were getting intimate. I was getting pretty horny, and I thought some dirty talk would turn him on. Amid my panting, I breathed the words, "Fuck me." He then stopped and said, "Excuse me, I don't like hearing that language." and wouldn't continue until I corrected myself. FML

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By Anonymous

All true, obviously

Today, I found out that my mother-in-law thinks that Trump is the "best man to walk the earth since Jesus," and that he's "fighting the deep state who's in control of the fake news." She tried to indoctrinate me. FML

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By - United States

Today, I was in the elevator with my boss, when I let rip the vilest, most horrifying fart of my life as we left the first floor. We stood in silence as the elevator slowly ascended to the 21st floor, leaving us to marinate in the fumes. FML

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By parkertownparadise - United States

Today, after applying for a job at the local pet store, I picked up a ferret. It began licking my cheek, causing me to turn my head. It then latched onto my ear and hung like a giant furry hoop earring. I screamed, then quietly left the building. FML

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By Anonymous

'Cause I'm a Criminal

Today, I woke up to find both of my bank accounts frozen. My bank informed me that the IRS had ordered a freeze on my assets because of back taxes owed, and would not unfreeze them until the money is paid. The amount? $2.47. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/8/2020 23:01

Let's go girls!

Today, someone said that women shouldn’t hate their menstrual cycles, because the hormonal changes were so "interesting". Sure, that’s the word I’d use for alternating between cramps and zits, being an insatiable nymphomaniac, and being so depressed I want to die. FML

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By uh huh sure - 9/7/2020 05:01

Subtle

Today, my mother-in-law, who isn't southern, who’s family isn’t southern, and has never even mentioned any interest in anything even remotely southern, decided to give us a baby gift: a hand-crocheted confederate flag blanket. We’re an interracial couple. I think she’s trying to tell me something. FML

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By Anonymous - 9/8/2020 02:02

Great speech, thanks!

Today, my biologist father had a slide show and speech prepared for my wedding. It started with, “40 years ago, there was a tree here”. I thought this would relate to me or the wedding at some point. 45 minutes later, I had to admit that it didn’t. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I came home from school to find almost every single personal possession and piece of furniture from my bedroom all laid out or disassembled in the back yard. My dad smugly told me I'd better start moving it all back. This is his revenge for me salting his coffee this morning. FML

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By fviz - United States

Today, while using a public restroom to change my tampon, I made eye contact with someone looking at me through the little space in the door. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Toronto

Is this Brexit?

Today, in the same sentence, my boyfriend told me that he wanted to "spend the rest of his life with me," and "I want to break up with you because I can't face your family." FML

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By Anonymous - 7/8/2020 23:01

XXL

Today, after losing 20 pounds, I decided to purchase new clothes. All of the clothes at the store were still too small for me. FML

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By horno - United States - San Francisco

Today, I asked my dad why the Wi-fi was down. He just replied, "Why? Horno can't get no more porno?" No, "Horno" has an assignment. WTF? FML

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By FMLFMLFMLFML - United States

Today, I had sex with a new guy. After we were done, he noticed my lighter on my nightstand and said "I've always wanted to try that!" He put the lighter by his butt and fart into it, producing a flame. After, when he left, I sat there, naked, mortified. FML

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By That escalated quickly.

Today, I was excited by the thought of the bathroom in my rental being replaced after the plumber advised that the leak can't be easily fixed. Instead, the owner's decided to fully renovate and is kicking me out. FML

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By please stop singing!!!! - United States - Windermere

Today, I got to spend 4 hours on a bus with a group of selfie-taking teenagers who spent the majority of the time trying to harmonize while singing various songs. I'm pretty sure half of them were tone deaf. FML

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By MGDS - United States - Pine Grove

Today, I had to take an oral examination. I made it to the last part of the exam, then violently threw up in the middle of my answer. FML

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By Tylerdirdin84

Today, I had to give a massage to my ex-girlfriend's new boyfriend as they got a couples’ massage. FML

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By fuckerman - Canada

Today, my grandpa told me he can still get aroused even though he is 84. Im 32 and have erectile dysfunction. FML

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By anonymus - United States

Today, I asked a woman where her beautiful accent was from. The woman stared at me for a while. Then her daughter told me that the reason her mother talked like that was because she had a stroke a few months ago. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Cabot

Today, I got my dog some weight loss formula food, as she is very overweight. This new food makes her have horrible gas. FML

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By itsnotyouitsher - Australia - Wahroonga

Today, my boyfriend left me for a girl I know. She was the girl my last boyfriend left me for. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I got my posting orders for the Air Force. After spending four years training and studying to become an aerospace engineer, I am getting sent to the only base without aircraft. FML

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By lunarstrain - United Kingdom

Today, I walked in on my boyfriend trying to have sex with a piece of fruit. FML

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By almostmugged - United States

Today, as I was walking home, three burly men suddenly began to approach me. Thinking they were going to mug me, I reached for my pocketknife and said "Stay away, I have a knife." Turns out they just wanted directions to an ice cream shop for their daughters, who were now bawling their eyes out. FML

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By Crap - Canada - Toronto

Today, I was taking a dump at work at a nursing home. While reaching for the toilet paper, I accidently pushed the emergency button. The nursing supervisors broke into the washroom to help. FML

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By WipeYaBooty - United States - Franklin

Today, I woke up with chest pain. It hurt just to breathe, but my parents made me go to school. We're sitting in the emergency room now. FML

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By sharpie2792 - United States

Today, I fought back with words against a bully. He cried, and I got detention. FML

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By URGH - Canada

Today, my friend and I were in her moms car talking about which job was harder: actor or artist. I said, "Art is easy. You just scribble on a piece of paper and call it abstract art." Her mom squinted at me in the rearview mirror and my friend stopped talking. Then she said, "My mom is an artist." FML

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By SayCheese - Canada - Prince George

Today, my older brother walked in on me while I was wearing nothing but a bra, panties, pantyhose, and high heels. I'm his little brother. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, while my boyfriend was asleep, I gave him a soft kiss and whispered how handsome and gentle he looked. His response, still asleep, was to roll over and let out a massive fart. FML

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By Walter - Spain

Today, my girlfriend and I were getting heated. I kissed her on the neck, chest, stomach, and threw up as I kissed between her legs. FML

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By Justawoman - Denmark - Aarhus

Today, my boyfriend complained all day about being bored, so wanting to cheer him up, I put on some sexy clothes and went to his house. I got on his bed in my underwear and called him over. He quickly decided he'd rather play Diablo for the next five hours instead. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, I went to a bar with some friends when my wife texted me asking where I was. Not wanting her to know I was at a bar, I told her I was still at work. She was sitting in the booth behind me. FML

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By Anonymous - Australia

Today, I came out to my parents. They nodded empathetically throughout my entire speech and told me repeatedly that it was okay. As I smiled and stood up, my dad asked, "But you're still going to marry a guy, right?" FML

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Top comments

By real life problems | 26

#7660443 - Thursday 12 July 2018 20:51

I don't know where all these people keep finding such dysfunctional friends and families but it makes me appreciate mine. 🤔

By Charlie Given | 23

#7660502 - Thursday 12 July 2018 23:23

Also since it's seems that this guy was abusive since a PPO was necessary he's only using her to get to you, typical abuser behavior for control of you ,watch yourself get some pepper spray or a gun and let landlord know what is going on legally you can get out of lease if your personal safety is at risk.

COMMENTS

By real life problems | 26

#7660443 - Thursday 12 July 2018 20:51

I don't know where all these people keep finding such dysfunctional friends and families but it makes me appreciate mine. 🤔

By Boyufd | 22

#7660454 - Thursday 12 July 2018 21:04

well for the next two months, you better find a new roommate and new a place to live

By llostinreality | 18

#7660456 - Thursday 12 July 2018 21:06

I feel like a follow up is definitely needed.

By Charlie Given | 23

#7660498 - Thursday 12 July 2018 23:08

Well for one let the judge know there dating and ya have a chance to make her life hell for betraying your friendship 😈

By Charlie Given | 23

#7660502 - Thursday 12 July 2018 23:23

Also since it's seems that this guy was abusive since a PPO was necessary he's only using her to get to you, typical abuser behavior for control of you ,watch yourself get some pepper spray or a gun and let landlord know what is going on legally you can get out of lease if your personal safety is at risk.

By RichardPencil | 28

#7660519 - Thursday 12 July 2018 23:58

On the bright side, snakes don’t have fingernails, so you won’t get a beer bottle surprise in 2 months.

By MorganHex | 24

#7660570 - Friday 13 July 2018 3:19

you could sub lease your room and find a new place to live

By Justine Malang | 16

#7660577 - Friday 13 July 2018 5:04

Omg she crazy as hell

By tounces7 | 27

#7660606 - Friday 13 July 2018 6:43

7 years and he's still trying to screw with your life? Time to move to a new state and change your name.

By kazekai8 | 10

#7660613 - Friday 13 July 2018 7:00

I have very little friends mostly a lone wolf with a couple of tryst over the years during my travels. So I only see only one or two drama over my high school and college years over stupid shits.