Miscellaneous: Today, this guy I have a huge crush on came with me to my house... - FML

By madelynn - United States

Today, this guy I have a huge crush on came with me to my house to study. I was warmly welcomed by my drunken mother laying naked on the floor. FML

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Late term

It is what it is

Must be one hell of a novel

By - United States - Saint Joseph

Today, I realized that my husband's preferred sexual activities not only don't require me to take off my clothes, but go much better for him when I don't. He doesn't get why this makes me self-conscious about getting naked in front of him... FML

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By Teylot - Canada

Today, I was sitting at my desk eating cereal with my cat sleeping on my lap. I got a really funny text and I started laughing hysterically, and spilled my cereal all over my cat. I'll let you know how my legs, arms, neck and face heal up. FML

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By knockedup - Australia

Today, I had to say a deep sincere speech on assembly in front of the whole college on the recent floods in Queensland. Instead of saying "We are Queenslanders, when we get knocked down, we get back up" I stumbled and said "We are Queenslanders, when we get knocked up..." FML

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By a - United Kingdom

Today, I got a call saying that my son was chasing all the girls in the class with his "Sword of Death", otherwise known as my dildo. FML

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By C0r1nn3 - United States - Santa Clara

Today, I was cuddling with my boyfriend in bed after a round of amazing sex. He decided it would be a great time to stick his finger up my nose. FML

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By InNeedOfFriends - United States

Today, I got all dressed up, in high heels and a sparkly dress, to sit in the library for most of the night so that my roommate and his friends would believe that I have a social life. FML

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By Moe - United States

Today, I discovered that I had lost my phone. I drove to the campus to try and find it, and parked in a gated lot where you pay when you leave. All the buildings were closed, so I had to go home. That's when I realized that I didn't have my wallet to get my car out. And no phone to call a ride. FML

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By good_gravy - United States

Today, my dog threw up on my bed while I was sleeping. I lost an hour of the day washing the vomit out with a rag, and my garbage disposal jammed on whatever otherworldly things my dog ate the day before. I had to dig it out by hand. FML

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By supersmashpika - United States - Hershey

Today, while walking down the street, a truck hit a puddle and splashed me with water. After I cursed and flipped him off, he put his truck in reverse and splashed me again. FML

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By Irrationalwife

Today, my husband and I got into a fight about his pervert friend who regularly shows blatant disrespect for our marriage, including sending me inappropriate texts. Apparently this friend should have my full trust, and apparently I am the one with the issue for not excusing his bad behavior. FML

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By Username - United States

Today, my dad woke me up for the second time to get me ready for school. Wanting me to prove I was really awake, he made me sit up. As soon as he left my room, I dozed off and faceplanted my nightstand. FML

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By Coccinelle - France

Today, while at work at a small Microsoft partner company, I had to write an email explaining why Internet Explorer is superior to Google Chrome. FML

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By Depressed - 14/7/2020 20:01

All for nothing

Today, due to some highly corrupted data that I had nothing to do with and no control over, around 5 years of pixel art I'd made, and spent most of my free time working on, has been permanently deleted, and there is no way to recover it. FML

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By Kayla - United States - Mesa

Today, I freaked out because of the smell of rotting eggs lingering in my apartment. I soon discovered it was my boyfriend's feet. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Westerville

Today, I need a new mattress. Last night, I slept on the floor. It was the best sleep I've had in a while. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Herndon

Today, I found a hornet's nest in the backyard, so I called my brother over to take a look. He said "Hmm, wonder how fast you can run." then hurled a rock at the nest and sprinted back to the house. I wasn't so fast. I now feel like someone's beaten me half to death with a cactus. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my wife started checking her email on her Blackberry while we were having sex. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I got a phone call out of the blue from a young man, who screamed that he was going to kill me for sleeping with his fiancée. I told him I am a 49-year-old man who hasn't been laid since my wife passed away, four years ago. He stammered, shouted "Well she was a slut too" and hung up. FML

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By polemania - United States

Today, I had an employee come in 20 minutes late with the excuse, "There's a Pokemon gym across the street!" FML

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By anonymous - United States - San Francisco

Today, while arriving to a date for the first time in a couple years, the first thing out of his mouth was, "I'm only dressed up because I had court today." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Lewiston

Today, I sat my son down for the sex talk. By the time it was over, he'd corrected me on several factual errors and told me what felching is. Now I remember why I never wanted kids. FML

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By Anonymous - 15/3/2021 00:30

Ghosted

Today, my boyfriend of 3 years ghosted me without a word and acted like he didn't know my friend when she texted him. FML

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By "ZeroG57"

Today my friend invited me to an afro-indigenous event. Eager to learn more about my roots, I tagged along. The bean bag toss and warrior dance was fun, until the Q&A came and it was clear that the focus wasn't the African diaspora but "consistent ritualized self-improvement". Yup, it's a cult. FML

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By S to the HIT - United States

Today, at a mind-numbingly boring support session, everyone was talking about their hardships. One guy was talking about losing his leg in a car accident. I was half-asleep and asked without thinking, "Did you ever find it?" I almost shat my pants at the roomful of death glares that followed. FML

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By Immature - 10/1/2021 05:01 - United States - Hesperia

You big child

Today, my girlfriend of six years burst into tears and said yes repeatedly when I presented her with a ring. I then had to explain that it was a promise ring, not an engagement ring. She looked me in the eye and dumped me on the spot. Apparently, promise rings are for teenagers, not couples in their 30s. FML

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By Anonymous - 4/12/2020 05:02

Gotta start somewhere

Today, I found out my parents paid my "best friend" to be my friend for the past 7 years. She's my only friend too. FML

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By Kerry - 22/2/2021 20:01 - Canada

Bathtime

Today, I was running water for a relaxing bath. There have been some problems with the town's water for a while now, so I was pleased when the water looked so clear. Right as I thought that, however, the water instantly changed from crystal clear to shit brown. FML

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By eyegouger15 - United States

Today, I got out of bed, soaked up the beautiful sunlight, and went to the kitchen to make some coffee. I saw my dad rummaging through the fridge, shirtless and one ball poking through his underwear. I needed to see that about as much as I need ass cancer. FML

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By anonymous - United States

Today, I found out the real reason why my brother wasn't at his fiancé's Halloween party. He's been in jail for the past 3 months. When was anyone going to tell me? FML

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By help me - United States - West Hartford

Today, I walked in on my 15 year old daughter and her boyfriend. They were standing in my bathroom, both naked from the waist down. Supposedly, he was trying to "teach her how to pee standing up." FML

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By poopsthegame - United States - Honolulu

Today, I walked out of my apartment to see that someone had climbed onto the hood of my car and taken a shit on my windshield. I only moved in a couple of weeks ago. FML

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By SeeingLlamas - United States - Knoxville

Today, I have been awake so long I hallucinated a llama in my living room. I have a medical condition that keeps me from sleeping properly. I've run out of medication. I still see the llama. FML

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By Ugh - United States

Today, I submitted my picture to a rating website. It was rejected because I didn't clarify which person I was. The picture was of my dog and me. FML

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By jaimie - United States

Today, we were going to Disney World all the way from North Carolina. After 12 hours of driving, my kids started fighting and complaining. My husband finally said, "If I hear you guys one more time we're turning around and going back home." They annoyed him once again, and we actually went home. FML

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By feelinnauseous - United States

Today, I went to a new bar downtown with some friends. I was a little buzzed and had to pee so bad. I rushed into the bathroom and as I sat down I felt a squish on my upper thigh. Turns out the last person in the stall decided to take a shit on the toilet seat. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Boise

Today, my cat brought home a bloody, barely-living mouse. The thing managed to escape and dragged itself into a crack in the wall, where it must have died. The only way to get it out before it starts to stink up the place is by demolishing the wall. FML

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By outofluckdude - United States

Today, I was hanging out with a group of friends when I got into a conversation with this really attractive girl who I've liked for months. She asked me what school I go to. I sit to her left in biology. FML

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By rc2981 - Australia - Perth

Today, artwork that I had been working on for months was destroyed, leaving me almost in tears. The culprit? A lonely pigeon who'd got into the room and shat all over it. FML

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By iailwkrb - United States

Today, while babysitting, the oldest little girl who is 7 went through my purse. She pulled out a half empty bottle of lube. She asked what it was and I told her lotion. I went to the bathroom and when I came out, the bottle was empty and there were 4 kids covered in lube. Then their mom came home. FML

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By mperrotta913 - United States

Today, my girlfriend was giving me a hand job, which was great, until she started saying "milk the penis... miiiiilk the penis." FML

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Top comments

By Bob65803 | 0

#2028252 - Monday 31 January 2011 9:01

Good for you. They say most girls look like their mothers when they grow up... Gives you both a chance to see the future and him a chance to run or a reason to stay...

By tnlander | 20

#2028422 - Monday 31 January 2011 9:39

incest is best when your mother's undressed.

COMMENTS

By islandz | 0

#2028245 - Monday 31 January 2011 9:00

threesome?

Reply

forthepainx3 | 0

#2028257 - Monday 31 January 2011 9:03

lmao

Reply

Alpha35 | 4

#2028340 - Monday 31 January 2011 9:19

ur mom hot?

Reply

forthepainx3 | 0

#2028365 - Monday 31 January 2011 9:25

INCEST

Reply

DoubleEdgedBlade | 4

#2028471 - Monday 31 January 2011 9:47

WINCEST!

Reply

Sportsfan86 | 3

#2028981 - Monday 31 January 2011 13:28

21 win

Reply

enoughgrace | 4

#2029267 - Monday 31 January 2011 15:01

"Today, this guy I have a huge crush on came with me to my house to study. I "" warmly welcomed "" laying naked on the floor." That's what I saw...

Reply

newjerseyguy | 0

#2029376 - Monday 31 January 2011 15:39

lol same here

By Bob65803 | 0

#2028252 - Monday 31 January 2011 9:01

Good for you. They say most girls look like their mothers when they grow up... Gives you both a chance to see the future and him a chance to run or a reason to stay...

Reply

funktown | 2

#2029918 - Monday 31 January 2011 16:09

Just like god intended us!

Reply

Bachanaal92 | 6

#2036560 - Wednesday 2 February 2011 12:38

-lmao.!!

Reply

impatientsnake | 4

#2163651 - Wednesday 9 March 2011 1:49

did u get him ?

By shaannonwilding | 0

#2028259 - Monday 31 January 2011 9:04

I agree. Threesome.

By Pantaloons | 0

#2028265 - Monday 31 January 2011 9:05

YDI for having a mother.

Reply

angel55033 | 12

#2028288 - Monday 31 January 2011 9:11

and a stork just happened to bring you into the world? that was a pretty dumb statement lol

Reply

Pantaloons | 0

#2028301 - Monday 31 January 2011 9:12

made you laugh though.

Reply

angel55033 | 12

#2028593 - Monday 31 January 2011 10:39

lol yeaaa just a lil bit!

Reply

No_LoveMM | 3

#2029240 - Monday 31 January 2011 14:52

YDI For being human

Reply

jbsington | 8

#2029253 - Monday 31 January 2011 14:57

*trollface*

Reply

hamshama | 0

#2030705 - Monday 31 January 2011 21:33

Don't worry this happens to me all the time ;)

Reply

someguy314159265 | 15

#2046275 - Saturday 5 February 2011 0:30

YDI for attracting all those trolls.

By angel55033 | 12

#2028266 - Monday 31 January 2011 9:06

that wouldn't be awkward no not at all!! lol

Reply

PeteyPablo12308 | 20

#2028539 - Monday 31 January 2011 10:14

Your tattoo is gorgeous.

Reply

angel55033 | 12

#2028588 - Monday 31 January 2011 10:38

thankyou :)

Reply

snoogans77 | 2

#2028610 - Monday 31 January 2011 10:46

I dig woman with ink. it's a very beautiful piece you have there.

Reply

bigphill1333 | 0

#2029162 - Monday 31 January 2011 14:30

Even though theres a 99.9% chance that the pictures from google and your talking to a 60 year old fat man.

Reply

enoughgrace | 4

#2029232 - Monday 31 January 2011 14:50

benefit of the doubt, fool!

Reply

Jizwold | 0

#2029391 - Monday 31 January 2011 15:42

usually women look bad with tattoos cause they get such shitty ones but that looks pretty sick

Reply

angel55033 | 12

#2032455 - Tuesday 1 February 2011 11:53

ha no it's my backpiece I manage a tattoo parlor in precott Wisconsin called geister ink that I helped my good friend Kelly geister open. she's the one who did all my work ive known her my whole life she's amazingly gifted that's for sure, look us up on facebook if you'd like, geister ink. :)

Reply

zoe768532 | 1

#3800430 - Wednesday 28 December 2011 23:30

Your tattoo is so Awesome!

By FMLephant | 2

#2028327 - Monday 31 January 2011 9:18

At least it was a warm welcome?

By xxxJORDYBEARxxx | 0

#2028331 - Monday 31 January 2011 9:18

nice tattoo damnnn

Reply

angel55033 | 12

#2032465 - Tuesday 1 February 2011 11:56

thankyou!

By dezinspaaace | 0

#2028350 - Monday 31 January 2011 9:22

THE HORROR. D:

By xStiina | 0

#2028372 - Monday 31 January 2011 9:26

Amazing timing?

Reply

soldier4life_88 | 0

#2028389 - Monday 31 January 2011 9:31

sounds like it!!

Reply

linhnguyen | 0

#2031248 - Tuesday 1 February 2011 1:12

lmao i guess ur right then

By FYLDeep | 25

#2028402 - Monday 31 January 2011 9:33

I wonder why the hell she was naked.

Reply

Pantaloons | 0

#2028411 - Monday 31 January 2011 9:36

because she and i had just finished up

Reply

Rei_Ayanami | 18

#2029052 - Monday 31 January 2011 13:55

Because she had shed off the shackles that society had placed on her so she could be free in both body and mind.