Today, this guy I have a huge crush on came with me to my house... - FML

By madelynn - United States

Today, this guy I have a huge crush on came with me to my house to study. I was warmly welcomed by my drunken mother laying naked on the floor. FML

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Assumptions

Lobbied

Thanks, government

By Chedder - United States

Today, I tried to keep a drunk girl from driving by holding her keys, she had a spare set in her purse. She hit me with her car when I was walking home. FML

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By Queen_of_Night - United States

Today, my boyfriend was reaching over to give me a hug for no reason. I said "Aww, You're sweet! I love you too!" He looked confused and said, "That's great, but I was reaching for the remote." FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Tucson

Today, my mom blew her top when I casually mentioned that it's pretty well known that the story of Jesus is a retelling of older Persian and Egyptian stories. She then went on to yell at me that I wasted my money on college and "book learning". FML

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By HP_22 - United States

Today, I was the only employee at a video store where I work when it got robbed. After crying, shaking and spending two hours and dealing with the police, my boss called and told me it was good experience and I would know what to do next time, then made me finish my shift, the night shift, alone. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Marion

Today, I was getting intimate with my girlfriend. She pulled down my trousers, saw my Poke-ball boxers, and absolutely lost it. I had to lie next to her in bed for the next 10 minutes hearing her howl with laughter while crying "Dickachu, I choose you!" FML

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By Keira

Today, the modeling program I'm required to use for school started inexplicably crashing. Reinstalling doesn't even fix it. The company that owns the software doesn't provide students with tech support, and my teacher just told me I won't pass if I can't fix it. FML

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By ow - United States

Today, while I was running in a cross country meet, a bug flew into my right eye. Then, a bug flew into my left eye. Not wanting to lose a neck-and-neck sprint, I tried to run blind. I hit a pole. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, this girl I like just told me a funny story about her pooping adventures. We shared a laugh and she told me "I could never say that to my boyfriend, but I can to you. I don't know, it's like the uglier the boy, the more comfortable I am with him." FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, on a dating site, I was matched with my brother, again. FML

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By aerythia - United States - Nashville

Today, it's my birthday and my ex husband texted me at midnight to tell happy birthday. Too bad he couldn't have texted my new husband to remind him. FML

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By lice - United States

Today, after having sex with my boyfriend I went into his shower to freshen up. Where I saw an open bottle of pubic lice shampoo. FML

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By :/ - United States - Gilbert

Today, I'm so broke, I walked into a nursing home and pretended to be a gentleman's son just so I could get some free food "for him". FML

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By Lysh

Today, my fiancé broke it off with me on our 3-year anniversary at 12:01 a.m. on Thanksgiving morning. Guess who gets to go to family gatherings where everyone will be asking where he is. FML

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By Mintspice

Today, a girl I've liked for months agreed to go to a movie. We were going to see Captain Marvel, but missed the show time, so we saw Five Feet Apart. Blessing in disguise, right? Wrong. She cried while holding my hand as she talked about how in love she is with another girl. FML

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By homerr123 - India - Mumbai

Today, my manager rejected my leave application for Christmas. Later I found out that I'm going to be the only employee working at the office during Christmas. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Chatham

Today, my girlfriend admitted she had a nightmare about having sex with me. FML

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By mister_pinky - United States - Portland

Today, I returned to my teaching job at a local community college after surfing for the weekend. I'd got sunburned, one student immediately noticed and said to me, "Morning, Mr. Pinky!" Now they all do it. My students are assholes. I hate teaching. FML

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By Brenda Trejo

Today, my fiancé asked his 13-year-old sister what role she wanted in our upcoming wedding. Her response was "Saying I object!" FML

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By Jess

Today, I called a doctor's office for a referral. I was in public, so when she asked me what type of issue I had, I mumbled that I had a vaginal issue. After painstakingly having to repeat this several times, she said she was asking what kind of insurance I have. FML

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By cl4ptp - United Kingdom - Barry

Today, after sex, my boyfriend and I lay in bed for a couple of hours just chatting. This would have been lovely. However, his topic of choice for post-coital pillow talk was his theory about how Chewbacca is secretly the leader of the Rebel Alliance. It actually made sense. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Hudson Falls

Today, I woke up to my drunk great grandfather peeing on my cat and thinking it was absolutely hysterical. This isn't the first time and he just moved in with me for the next six weeks. FML

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By blondie875 - United States

Y'all need fiber.

Today, I had just gotten out of the shower when I thought I had to fart, so I ripped it. instead, I shat all over myself and my floor. I'm 30. FML

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By bluediva24

Today, I spent all day preparing a big, elaborate Italian dinner for my boyfriend, who recently discovered he was part Italian. He came home, turned up his nose and said "I was in the mood for Chinese". FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Colorado Springs

Today, I woke up to my dog laying on the pillow next to me. When he saw that I was awake, he wagged his tail happily and then promptly sneezed in my face. FML

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By afraidtosleep - United States - Houston

Today, as I was rushing to get out for work, I opened my door just in time to witness a large snake slither into my home. I had no choice but to lock it inside and go to work. I've now spent several hours searching for it with my friends, and we can't find it. I'm scared to go to sleep. FML

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By jake - Denmark

Today, it's been a few days since I decided to give this girl I like the silent treatment.I've been writing on/off with her for a few weeks, but decided to stop a bit, to seem mysterious. When I logged on Facebook today, her status was "..is so happy that annoying guy has stopped writing to me!" FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I finally got the courage to make a move on the guy I've been crushing on. I asked him if he would like to go see a movie with me. He answered, "Sorry, I've already seen it." I didn't even mention any particular movie. FML

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By cjgreer70 - United States - West Linn

Today, I was told I looked like Beaker from the Muppets. After doing a side-by-side comparison, I realized it's true. FML

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By soldnone - Canada - Toronto

Today, I had a booth at a very expensive craft show. My grandma came to show her support. While there, she managed to knock over my display, get in the way of potential buyers and take down a rather old lady when she supposedly stumbled. This all happened in the first five minutes she was there. FML

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By Thanks everyone - Australia - Gaythorne

Today, I brought my Japanese girlfriend home for dinner with my family for the first time. They all got drunk and made heaps of racist jokes right in front of us. My dad forgot her name and started calling her "Rice Ball" instead. FML

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By Anonymous - Malaysia - Kuala Lumpur

Today, I got cited for "internet plagiarism" and called to the dean's office. I'd been sitting a closed-book written exam, and my teacher had been breathing down my neck the whole time. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Newark

Today, I had to explain to my friend that a blue raspberry is not a blackberry, and that blue raspberry is an artificial flavor, not a fruit. This explanation took much longer than it should have. FML

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By Anonymous - 27/10/2020 08:58 - United States

Ties that bind

Today, I offered to give my ex a ride home from work. He and I ended on good terms years ago, we just aren't compatible with each other. I dropped him off and not ten seconds later, he came back out looking sick. His fiancee was inside having sex with MY new boyfriend. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my roommate hooked up with a guy she met at a party. After telling me about it, she says to me, "Maybe next time we go out we'll hit someone over the head and drag him back here for you." Apparently the only way I can get a guy is if he's unconscious. FML

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By wekasdjkasldasdkasdzcawqe - Sweden

Today, my mother yelled and yelled at me until I apologized to our cat for not petting him when he sat on my lap. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my tire was a little low on air. I decided to put in a can of Fix-A-Flat and drive home. Since it was 10 degrees outside and snowing, the can became frozen to the valve. When I finally got the can off, I had ruined the valve, so I had to put on the spare tire. It was flat too. FML

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By mando - Australia

Today, at work, I refused a customer a refund because there was nothing wrong with the item, and she didn't have the packaging. I then watched as she and her son rummaged through a public bin for the packaging. When I refused her again, she called me a "fucking idiot". FML

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By hoho5191 - United States

Today, I was at a friend's party. Her neighbor and I really hit it off. We went off into the woods and left everyone, including her parents, at the bonfire. We started hooking up when my friend ran over. Apparently they could see everything. We had on glow stick necklaces and bracelets. FML

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By bloody_hell - United States - Elkhart

Today, I was faced with the inevitable horrible circumstances which lead me to put in a tampon on a moving city bus. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my boyfriend tried to tell me that he was worried our child might not be mine because he was cheating on me when I got pregnant. FML

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Top comments

By Bob65803 | 0

#2028252 - Monday 31 January 2011 9:01

Good for you. They say most girls look like their mothers when they grow up... Gives you both a chance to see the future and him a chance to run or a reason to stay...

By tnlander | 20

#2028422 - Monday 31 January 2011 9:39

incest is best when your mother's undressed.

COMMENTS

By islandz | 0

#2028245 - Monday 31 January 2011 9:00

threesome?

Reply

forthepainx3 | 0

#2028257 - Monday 31 January 2011 9:03

lmao

Reply

Alpha35 | 4

#2028340 - Monday 31 January 2011 9:19

ur mom hot?

Reply

forthepainx3 | 0

#2028365 - Monday 31 January 2011 9:25

INCEST

Reply

DoubleEdgedBlade | 4

#2028471 - Monday 31 January 2011 9:47

WINCEST!

Reply

Sportsfan86 | 3

#2028981 - Monday 31 January 2011 13:28

21 win

Reply

enoughgrace | 4

#2029267 - Monday 31 January 2011 15:01

"Today, this guy I have a huge crush on came with me to my house to study. I "" warmly welcomed "" laying naked on the floor." That's what I saw...

Reply

newjerseyguy | 0

#2029376 - Monday 31 January 2011 15:39

lol same here

By Bob65803 | 0

#2028252 - Monday 31 January 2011 9:01

Good for you. They say most girls look like their mothers when they grow up... Gives you both a chance to see the future and him a chance to run or a reason to stay...

Reply

funktown | 2

#2029918 - Monday 31 January 2011 16:09

Just like god intended us!

Reply

Bachanaal92 | 6

#2036560 - Wednesday 2 February 2011 12:38

-lmao.!!

Reply

impatientsnake | 4

#2163651 - Wednesday 9 March 2011 1:49

did u get him ?

By shaannonwilding | 0

#2028259 - Monday 31 January 2011 9:04

I agree. Threesome.

By Pantaloons | 0

#2028265 - Monday 31 January 2011 9:05

YDI for having a mother.

Reply

angel55033 | 12

#2028288 - Monday 31 January 2011 9:11

and a stork just happened to bring you into the world? that was a pretty dumb statement lol

Reply

Pantaloons | 0

#2028301 - Monday 31 January 2011 9:12

made you laugh though.

Reply

angel55033 | 12

#2028593 - Monday 31 January 2011 10:39

lol yeaaa just a lil bit!

Reply

No_LoveMM | 3

#2029240 - Monday 31 January 2011 14:52

YDI For being human

Reply

jbsington | 8

#2029253 - Monday 31 January 2011 14:57

*trollface*

Reply

hamshama | 0

#2030705 - Monday 31 January 2011 21:33

Don't worry this happens to me all the time ;)

Reply

someguy314159265 | 15

#2046275 - Saturday 5 February 2011 0:30

YDI for attracting all those trolls.

By angel55033 | 12

#2028266 - Monday 31 January 2011 9:06

that wouldn't be awkward no not at all!! lol

Reply

PeteyPablo12308 | 20

#2028539 - Monday 31 January 2011 10:14

Your tattoo is gorgeous.

Reply

angel55033 | 12

#2028588 - Monday 31 January 2011 10:38

thankyou :)

Reply

snoogans77 | 2

#2028610 - Monday 31 January 2011 10:46

I dig woman with ink. it's a very beautiful piece you have there.

Reply

bigphill1333 | 0

#2029162 - Monday 31 January 2011 14:30

Even though theres a 99.9% chance that the pictures from google and your talking to a 60 year old fat man.

Reply

enoughgrace | 4

#2029232 - Monday 31 January 2011 14:50

benefit of the doubt, fool!

Reply

Jizwold | 0

#2029391 - Monday 31 January 2011 15:42

usually women look bad with tattoos cause they get such shitty ones but that looks pretty sick

Reply

angel55033 | 12

#2032455 - Tuesday 1 February 2011 11:53

ha no it's my backpiece I manage a tattoo parlor in precott Wisconsin called geister ink that I helped my good friend Kelly geister open. she's the one who did all my work ive known her my whole life she's amazingly gifted that's for sure, look us up on facebook if you'd like, geister ink. :)

Reply

zoe768532 | 1

#3800430 - Wednesday 28 December 2011 23:30

Your tattoo is so Awesome!

By FMLephant | 2

#2028327 - Monday 31 January 2011 9:18

At least it was a warm welcome?

By xxxJORDYBEARxxx | 0

#2028331 - Monday 31 January 2011 9:18

nice tattoo damnnn

Reply

angel55033 | 12

#2032465 - Tuesday 1 February 2011 11:56

thankyou!

By dezinspaaace | 0

#2028350 - Monday 31 January 2011 9:22

THE HORROR. D:

By xStiina | 0

#2028372 - Monday 31 January 2011 9:26

Amazing timing?

Reply

soldier4life_88 | 0

#2028389 - Monday 31 January 2011 9:31

sounds like it!!

Reply

linhnguyen | 0

#2031248 - Tuesday 1 February 2011 1:12

lmao i guess ur right then

By FYLDeep | 25

#2028402 - Monday 31 January 2011 9:33

I wonder why the hell she was naked.

Reply

Pantaloons | 0

#2028411 - Monday 31 January 2011 9:36

because she and i had just finished up

Reply

Rei_Ayanami | 18

#2029052 - Monday 31 January 2011 13:55

Because she had shed off the shackles that society had placed on her so she could be free in both body and mind.