Love: Today, this girl I liked made her Facebook status "Nobody texts...

By Anonymous - 15/01/2012 06:24 - United States

Today, this girl I liked made her Facebook status "Nobody texts me anymore, message me numbers?" I commented that I texted her. She deleted it and changed it to "Nobody that I care about texts me anymore, message me numbers?" FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 882

You deserved it 3 961

Love

Leave us alone

Stop talking!

Keep your nose out of my life

This Charming Man

By Anonymous - 29/01/2021 08:01

Today, I met what I thought was a decent guy, via an introduction by my pregnant friend. She's dating his brother. The guy was dropping my friend and me off, but on the way out of the door he slapped her on the butt and smiled. FML

I agree, your life sucks 742

You deserved it 81

By notagoodjoke - 25/12/2016 01:01 - United States - Vincentown

Today, Christmas Eve, I told my wife she has three presents to choose from: one large, one small and one tiny. She immediately responded, "is the tiny one in your pants?". FML

I agree, your life sucks 9 640

You deserved it 2 166

By Anonymous - 07/08/2018 04:43

Today, my boss asked me to talk to the HR manager to see if I was happy about my pay, which made me think I was going to get a raise. Turns out they paid me nearly twice as much as they should have for the last 2 years and I owe them over €5000. FML

I agree, your life sucks 3 123

You deserved it 195

By Anonymous - 09/10/2010 05:15 - New Zealand

Today, I had a wet dream about having sexual relations with a rubber duck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 35 144

You deserved it 9 752

Classic move

By qyx3lmnop24 - 20/12/2014 07:33 - United States - Napa

Today, while hanging out with this guy I'm interested in, we turned and made eye contact. We were face to face and I thought he was finally going to kiss me. He decided to lick my face from chin to forehead instead. FML

I agree, your life sucks 38 346

You deserved it 5 051

By jessiluvxx - 25/09/2016 21:08 - United States - Kearny

Today, I was called to be told I'm fired for not showing up for my shift. I guess she didn't check her voice message to see that I gave birth last night. FML

I agree, your life sucks 13 133

You deserved it 755

By Homeless? - 07/11/2016 11:07 - United Kingdom - Gloucester

Today, I have been vomiting for 4 days. Tomorrow, my landlord is insisting on inspecting my flat. I now either have to clean my house whilst trying not to throw up all around it, or fail my inspection. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 066

You deserved it 1 217

By Anonymous - 23/02/2013 18:27 - Denmark - Copenhagen

Today, after months of a very healthy sex life with my boyfriend, he asked me to let him try anal. I'm dead-set against it, so I tried to let him down easy by jokingly saying that I would, but only if he let me try it on him first. He said, "Sure." Fuck. FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 240

You deserved it 48 322

By AdriftInTheSeaOfPaperwork - 24/09/2014 17:17 - Germany - Dachau

Today, after waiting well over a month for a work visa in Germany that should only have taken 3 weeks to come through, I finally received my long-awaited answer. Unfortunately, that answer was "We lost your paperwork." FML

I agree, your life sucks 37 650

You deserved it 2 591

This needs further details!

By Anonymous - 03/12/2021 11:01

Today, I was conned out of £50,000 by my own father, who everyone thought had been dead for 3 years. FML

I agree, your life sucks 338

You deserved it 46

By justgreat - 24/03/2012 02:30 - United States - Opa Locka

Today, my girlfriend fell asleep while giving me head. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 463

You deserved it 6 177

By Sean - 14/08/2016 04:00 - Canada - Toronto

Today, as I was crossing a street, a car hit me and broke two of my ribs. The driver was too busy paying attention to his girlfriend who was giving him a blowjob from the passenger seat. I could see the look of ecstasy on his face as he rammed into me and drove off without noticing. FML

I agree, your life sucks 18 018

You deserved it 1 004

Some dream…

By Anonymous - 21/04/2021 17:00

Today, I'm a full-time Investment Portfolio Analyst at one of the largest groups. It has been my dream job and I worked my ass off. I'm one of the best analysts there and people like me. Also, I haven't slept properly for 3 months, without a single day off. I'm about to get mentally sick. FML

I agree, your life sucks 769

You deserved it 444

By Anonymous - 27/07/2015 16:32 - United States - Birmingham

Today, I waited 45 minutes at the Apple Store for my grandpa to very loudly ask why PornHub wasn't loading on his computer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 28 978

You deserved it 2 170

By kinky - 05/08/2010 00:24 - United States

Today, I had to explain to my doctor and parents that I dislocated my shoulder while masturbating. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 569

You deserved it 37 880

By TimJack18 - 04/01/2015 23:14 - United States - Whiteville

Today, in an attempt to be romantic, I kissed my husband as passionately as I could. After, he looked at me and said, "You taste like Chinese food." FML

I agree, your life sucks 29 823

You deserved it 5 177

By Anonymous - 18/05/2013 19:27 - Mexico - Celaya

Today, I got my third promotion at work in as many years. My husband congratulated me very briefly, before asking if this meant he no longer had to look for a job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 43 352

You deserved it 5 088

By pizzagurl - 09/05/2009 04:43 - United States

Today, while working at a pizza shop near a college campus, I got an order to deliver to the dorms. Extremely busy at work and annoyed that someone wouldn't take 3 minutes to walk over, I spat on the pizza. When I arrived to the dorm, a woman in a wheelchair opened the door. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 161

You deserved it 273 951

By fleetingmemories - 29/11/2013 23:55 - United States - Falls Church

Today, I had to bail my husband out of jail. It turns out that in the Black Friday rush, he beat a guy up just so he could get his hands on the last of a heavily-discounted item. The item in question: a toaster. FML

I agree, your life sucks 44 948

You deserved it 4 310

By embarrassed - 11/11/2011 15:17 - Canada

Today, I dined and dashed. Upon reaching my car, I realized I had left my seven year-old daughter in the restaurant. FML

I agree, your life sucks 10 598

You deserved it 124 013

By Anonymous - 19/11/2015 14:52 - United States - San Francisco

Today, it's my 30th birthday. My husband came home with a big case of beer for himself, then told me he didn't have time to get me a present because of work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 25 553

You deserved it 2 008

By lbailey32 - 04/02/2014 01:30 - United States - Seneca Falls

Today, my boyfriend decided the best way to inform me of his shoplifting tendencies was to steal stuff while we were at Starbucks. FML

I agree, your life sucks 42 230

You deserved it 4 447

Grooming

By kdehshaden - 30/04/2012 08:25 - United States

Today, after a lot of begging, I finally convinced my husband to shave all of his pubes off. Now I can't even look at it without laughing, and he's mad at me for making him do it. FML

I agree, your life sucks 8 607

You deserved it 56 546

Getting frisky

By KindStranger - 04/01/2020 20:00 - United Kingdom - Shrewsbury

Today, I was walking home when I thought I saw a man beating up a woman in a phone box, I opened the door and pulled the man of the woman, turns out they where just "getting frisky" FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 943

You deserved it 514

Nice, thanks

By Anonymous - 17/05/2009 04:33 - United States

Today, a little girl came up to me and said, "Hi, my name is Lindsey, let's be friends!" I thought she was cute, so I played along and said, "OK! My name is Jen!" Her reply was, "Wait, nevermind, I don't want to be friends anymore. You smell funny." FML

I agree, your life sucks 51 605

You deserved it 13 314

By Anonymous - 20/06/2009 11:13 - Switzerland

Today, I was having sex with a girl. Things were getting pretty hot, so I decided to smack her butt. I missed. I smacked my balls instead. Real hard. FML

I agree, your life sucks 17 762

You deserved it 97 453

By Anonymous - 29/08/2009 01:44 - United States

Today, I got a call from the Sheriff's dept. saying that water was coming out my front door. I ran home to find a waterfall cascading over my covered parking. It turns out my puppy had chewed through the hose that connects the toilet to the water. My entire condo had an inch of standing water. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 534

You deserved it 4 964

By Donutsarelife - 19/11/2014 15:09 - United States

Today, I spent 20 minutes arguing with the class dipshit, trying to convince her that wifi hot-spots are not in fact saunas powered by wifi. FML

I agree, your life sucks 33 015

You deserved it 3 944

By notmansbestfriend - 12/08/2013 16:09 - United States - Williamsburg

Today, I was stuck on the toilet for hours after eating some questionable seafood. During this time, I watched through the open door as my dog destroyed the nice shoes I just bought, as well as the tux I rented for my sister's wedding. The wedding is in 12 hours. FML

I agree, your life sucks 47 178

You deserved it 7 785

By givemestrength - 14/08/2014 10:31 - United Kingdom - London

Today, my boss expects me to conduct a meeting with a client, give him all the info he needs, and manage his campaign. This is because he fired the "expensive" marketing director and wants me, the intern, to continue his work. FML

I agree, your life sucks 39 447

You deserved it 3 264

Family

By megamonster99 - 07/11/2016 15:06 - United States - Silver Spring

Today, I helped my hoarder grandfather clean out his garage. Not only did I step on a nail, I also slipped in a puddle of used oil that's been sitting out for two years, and broke my nose. He didn't pay me since I wasn't able to finish the job. FML

I agree, your life sucks 11 230

You deserved it 989

By fthislyfe - 18/07/2011 07:09 - Netherlands

Today, in an amphitheater, someone hit the back of my head. As I turned around, the guy apologized and said he mistook me for his friend. I changed seats, and after a while, I got hit a second time. He was wrong again. FML

I agree, your life sucks 34 404

You deserved it 3 819

By annonymous - 19/09/2012 06:24 - United States

Today, I was talking on the phone with my crush. After an hour of talking she told me, "If you were half as hot as you sound over the phone, I'd date you immediately." Maybe I should give up on love and start a phone sex line. FML

I agree, your life sucks 36 242

You deserved it 2 694

Capitalism 101

By Anonymous - 25/09/2019 02:02

Today, a massive septic tank that takes waste from 11 factories exploded. The wind is blowing directly towards us. Even with closed windows, no amount of perfume helps. There's no escape. People have puked. We've still got 4 hours of production and management doesn't care about the workers outside. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 765

You deserved it 103

By Anonymous - 07/05/2015 15:45 - United States - Philadelphia

Today, I was out with my youngest cousin and we had to stop for gas. Since he just got his license, I asked if he wanted to pump the gas while I went into the station to get snacks and pay. He pumped my car full of diesel. FML

I agree, your life sucks 31 620

You deserved it 7 157

By welp - 27/12/2015 05:08 - United States - Grass Lake

Today, I worked a short shift at work, getting sent home early because it was slow. In the time I was gone, my family decided surprise me by rearranging my room and put in my new desk. They also surprised me when I learned that they'd spilled a slushie on my very expensive computer. FML

I agree, your life sucks 20 455

You deserved it 1 341

By Anonymous - 30/10/2009 14:23 - United States

Today, my mother sent my birthday present to me four days late. It was a handy keychain blood alcohol detector so I can make sure I'm sober before I drive. FML

I agree, your life sucks 26 788

You deserved it 7 651

Is that even legal?

By Monkeys aren't pets - 07/12/2020 23:04 - United States - Millersville

Today, I found out in addition to the ADHD teenager they scream at, my boyfriend's parents are planning on getting a monkey. I work at an animal shelter, so now I'm obligated to have a long conversation with them about what a crap idea that is. FML

I agree, your life sucks 774

You deserved it 78

Invasion

By Anonymous - 26/08/2020 14:01 - United States

Today, I went to clean my roof when something buzzed by my head and a sting hit my neck. It turns out there's a small nest of, like, five hornets just chilling outside of my window. I found a dead one on the desk in my bedroom. FML

I agree, your life sucks 1 181

You deserved it 103

By aprouddaddy - 04/12/2014 23:46 - France - Paris

Today, I was a bit upset to learn that my 13 year-old daughter had a boyfriend. When she noticed, she assured me that I shouldn't worry, because "it's just for sex anyway". FML

I agree, your life sucks 41 737

You deserved it 6 559

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Top comments

BlindyMcGee 2

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Sunday 15 January 2012 12:20

Go buy the eggs, I'll drive.

jojimugo 20

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Sunday 15 January 2012 12:30

Just write under the comment " nobody texts you because you are a bitch"

BlindyMcGee 2

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Sunday 15 January 2012 12:20

Go buy the eggs, I'll drive.

RaggleFrock 13

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Sunday 15 January 2012 12:36

She sounds like a real nice catch. Needy. Self involved.

gamercanadian 11

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Sunday 15 January 2012 13:18

That b&@*# dw OP u'll find someone better, she jus wants attention cause no one cares about her anymore

Michael_92 20

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Sunday 15 January 2012 13:18

Guess I'll go put my torture devices away :(

girl112891 7

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Sunday 15 January 2012 14:18

She just wants attention from what she considers "cool" people. Maybe from some shallow jerks. Start liking girls who'll appreciate you!

nahgemoohc 17

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Sunday 15 January 2012 14:33

She's a loser. No one puts that as their status!! OP, don't condemn yourself by liking someone like that. I'm pretty sure you can do much better!

Discombobulated9 12

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Sunday 15 January 2012 14:46

I wouldn't worry too much about taking revenge; all of her friends aren't texting her, probably because they're fed up with her being a complete bitch. So, she's only punishing herself. Heartless people never prosper.

peteyfas 8

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Sunday 15 January 2012 15:19

Steve Jobs?

ImInYourFACEbook 8

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Sunday 15 January 2012 16:23

38- You never know what people might put up as their status now a days. Facebook is a weird and crazy world.

nahgemoohc 17

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Sunday 15 January 2012 17:29

61- true. But it's the people in the place that make it crazy. I mean, who would feel normal about advertising their friendlessness for all to see?

xxxasaxxx 0

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Monday 16 January 2012 0:08

Lmao xD

omgdoublefml 3

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Monday 16 January 2012 0:57

Dubs I'll drive, why not drift in a evo?

tobin22 9

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Monday 16 January 2012 11:43

Haha best comment i read in awhile its funny because its simple love it

blushy 14

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Tuesday 17 January 2012 14:04

you shouldn't waste your time on her anyway

ucoolgirl31 20

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Wednesday 30 May 2012 18:21

What a bitch...

SkoomaKi 27

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Sunday 15 January 2012 12:22

What a bitch.

Pentium_4 26

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Sunday 15 January 2012 12:54

attention whore :/

nephilim241 19

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Sunday 15 January 2012 13:34

As soon as I read this I said what #2 typed.. What a nasty piece of work.

WellApparently 2

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Sunday 15 January 2012 15:01

#2 & #29 agreed, nothing else to say but "what a bitch"

123josie123 11

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Sunday 15 January 2012 15:03

What crawled up her ass and died? Forget her, you deserve better OP!

ThatOneCanadian 0

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Sunday 15 January 2012 15:37

thats why no one texts her.

Jakesterk96 8

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Monday 16 January 2012 0:17

Keep commenting her post.

noobgang7 5

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Monday 16 January 2012 1:01

This is exactly why nobody texts her anymore. She's a worthless bitch

downtime 12

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Monday 16 January 2012 2:11

I smiled when I re-read the FML and noticed the past tense used in the word "liked". At least he learnt to move on from this idiot.

downtime 12

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Monday 16 January 2012 2:15

I smiled when I re-read the FML and noticed the past tense used in the word "liked". At least he learnt to move on from this idiot.

forever12 8

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Monday 16 January 2012 5:23

I deffinatly said that when I read this as well.

The_Hitdude 12

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Monday 16 January 2012 22:24

*definitely Why do so many people find this word so difficult to spell? You're not using less words by spelling it wrong (ex: u, ur, etc.).

kittyx33 0

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Saturday 21 January 2012 15:04

#136 I think they honestly just don't know how spell the word. Not that they're trying to make it shorter

louiseth 9

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Sunday 15 January 2012 12:23

Nice use of the word "liked". Good job. :)

indielove 13

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Sunday 15 January 2012 14:53

She sounds like an attention seeking bitch.

tellithowitis 13

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Sunday 15 January 2012 16:14

Just blow her phone up!

ClassyCommando 13

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Sunday 15 January 2012 17:37

Just delete the comment, OP to avoid further humiliation.

SeaMen 3

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Sunday 15 January 2012 18:09

73 did u even read the whole fml?

ClassyCommando 13

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Monday 16 January 2012 9:24

Never mind the FML has been edited.

Cassro92 16

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Sunday 15 January 2012 12:25

Bitch.

cheerbabe3254 4

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Sunday 15 January 2012 14:32

I kno rite I feel so bad

RrLSf19 0

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Monday 16 January 2012 3:07

4 I love your pic!

DreBeezy 9

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Tuesday 17 January 2012 3:54

All the whore wanted was some fucking attention.

ShansAl 21

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Sunday 15 January 2012 12:26

Tough break.

Snafuusmc 12

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Monday 16 January 2012 1:29

Kick her in the taco!

SwiftFaux 0

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Sunday 15 January 2012 12:27

punch her in the throat

cosmosis 12

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Sunday 15 January 2012 12:51

Hmmm seems reasonable... Kids these days. Just have no idea...

zingline89 18

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Sunday 15 January 2012 14:37

Kids these days? Says the guy whose profile says "Faggots, quit checkin out my account!"

SoFlyJohn 0

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Monday 16 January 2012 5:19

True...

lilogic 0

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Tuesday 17 January 2012 12:02

Lol umm why the throat??

iranoutofnames 6

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Wednesday 18 January 2012 8:37

Why not?

XanderJayNix 17

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Sunday 15 January 2012 12:29

Some chix are major dix!

jojimugo 20

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Sunday 15 January 2012 12:30

Just write under the comment " nobody texts you because you are a bitch"

XanderJayNix 17

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Sunday 15 January 2012 12:35

Step 3: ??? Step 4: Profit

Dflips 0

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Monday 16 January 2012 15:08

#8 knows whatsup

A100893 30

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Sunday 15 January 2012 12:31

Insensitive heifer.

IrishSoulja 4

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Sunday 15 January 2012 12:36

Don't bother with her if she's being that much of a bitch

Nearly

Today, it has been 7 years of me submitting FML’s. I don’t know what worse, that I’ve submitted so many of that none have never been featured. FML

I agree, your life sucks 6

You deserved it 5

Today, I spent my 25th birthday crying alone in my room with my baby, because no else seemed to care it was my birthday. My partner and I had a fight the night before and we haven’t spoken or seen each other since. FML

I agree, your life sucks 49

You deserved it 12

Spicy

Today, I found out I’m going to be a father, twice over, with two different women. Sisters, in fact. Only one of those sisters is my wife. Should I flee abroad, or walk calmly towards the firing squad straight away? FML

I agree, your life sucks 66

You deserved it 1 330

Today, my boyfriend finally told me after over two years together that the reason we only have sex once a month is because my stomach is, “off-putting”. FML

I agree, your life sucks 813

You deserved it 181

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