Intimacy: Today, this girl and I were chilling in my apartment and things... - FML

By JAY22 - United States

Today, this girl and I were chilling in my apartment and things got heated up and we started making out. One thing lead to another and the next thing I knew she was giving me head. I was getting ready to bust when she stopped, looked up into my eyes and said "Do you believe in Jesus?" FML

I agree, your life sucks

223492

You deserved it

35655

Tweet

Share

There's no helping some people

Season finale

Property law

By heheheh - Canada

Today, I burned my tongue. With a flat iron. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9951

You deserved it

57603

Tweet

Share

By neversayhiagain - United States

Today, I greeted a mom and a little girl at the place where I work. The little girl looks at me, looks back at her mom, and says, "Mommy, I hate people." FML

I agree, your life sucks

38558

You deserved it

2794

Tweet

Share

By SwinginSolo - United States

Today, I found out that what my husband meant by "we should try swinging" is "I really want to have sex with this one friend of yours, and if you so much as make eye contact with any guy I'm going to totally flip out and threaten to kill him and you." FML

I agree, your life sucks

55545

You deserved it

7161

Tweet

Share

By Myriam - Maldives - Male

Today, my husband recorded me getting out of bed and sleepwalking all the way into the backyard and straight into our pool. He was too busy giggling like a schoolgirl to help me out. FML

I agree, your life sucks

25769

You deserved it

3394

Tweet

Share

By KayyElOh94 - United States

Today, I woke up to my daughter crying, and my son running through the living room completely naked with her bottle, laughing his head off. FML

I agree, your life sucks

33637

You deserved it

3788

Tweet

Share

By longtriphome - United States

Today, I met my long distance girlfriend after two years of being separated by 900 miles. She brought her short distance boyfriend to the meeting. FML

I agree, your life sucks

40182

You deserved it

7277

Tweet

Share

By thanksforthat - United States - Tunkhannock

Today, I went to the hospital with stomach pains. I found out I have mono, as well as a ruptured ovarian cyst, which may need surgery. I called my best friend for support, only for her to drunkenly yell at me for not being at her party, and that this could have waited till a better time. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34254

You deserved it

3841

Tweet

Share

By markderanjer - United Kingdom - Ealing

Today, I found out that not only is my girlfriend enough of a superstitious twat to believe the world is going to end on December 21st, she actually thinks it's an acceptable excuse to go sleep around with other men. FML

I agree, your life sucks

34030

You deserved it

3409

Tweet

Share

By fuck off you fucking shitburglar - United Kingdom - London

Today, a tailgating idiot rear-ended me at a red light, then had the balls to say it was my fault for "driving too close" to his car. FML

I agree, your life sucks

24700

You deserved it

1455

Tweet

Share

By alhummel21 - United States

Today, I was going down on a girl. When I looked up she was texting. FML

I agree, your life sucks

181369

You deserved it

51900

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, my neighbours kicked my football back over the fence. They'd slashed it and taped a note to the remains that said, "Do it again and it'll be your face." Now I'm scared to play football in my own backyard. FML

I agree, your life sucks

30281

You deserved it

3971

Tweet

Share

By heightdifference - United States - Memphis

Today, I met the guy I've been talking to online for two years in real life. He tried to convince me to have his children because they would be average height. He's a midget and I'm 6'2". This is the most romantic thing anybody has ever said to me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

48943

You deserved it

5909

Tweet

Share

By Messiahman - United States

Today, I was playing twister with my girlfriend at the school carnival. I jokingly squeeze her butt, only to find her mom standing right above us. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13879

You deserved it

33941

Tweet

Share

By SBT1030 - United States

Today, I was helping my sister by getting some old boxes down from her attic. Too bad I didn't realize the piece of plywood I was standing on doesn't extend all over the attic floor. Of course, I did realize it when I went through the ceiling onto the concrete floor of her garage. FML

I agree, your life sucks

41435

You deserved it

5626

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United Kingdom - London

Today, my boyfriend crashed our car into the car ahead. He was trying to pull away from the traffic lights faster than the person next to us, a ten-year-old kid on a bicycle. FML

I agree, your life sucks

13595

You deserved it

1568

Tweet

Share

By Mewsmash - United States - Dublin

Today, my father told me he hasn't brushed his teeth for 30 years: he just wipes them with paper towels. I don't know whether to be horribly disgusted, or horribly jealous that he has never gotten a cavity. FML

I agree, your life sucks

21187

You deserved it

1530

Tweet

Share

By Lou Czar - United States

Today, I signed up on one of those "cheater" dating sites. I ended up meeting my own girlfriend. FML

I agree, your life sucks

16746

You deserved it

81009

Tweet

Share

By Rae - United States

Today, I was fired for not attending a mandatory meeting. I confronted my boss and told her I never heard anything about it, she told me that daily reminders had been sent out via email for weeks. She then discovered that she failed to enter my email address in the system. I was still fired. FML

I agree, your life sucks

54180

You deserved it

2791

Tweet

Share

By BeboKhaos - United States

Today, I had my first blow job. My girlfriend thought it would be sexy to "caress" my ball sack. By caress she meant bitch slap from side to side. FML

I agree, your life sucks

65617

You deserved it

9472

Tweet

Share

By candymansvan17 - United States

Today, I had a cop pull me over because he claimed that he saw me taking a bunch of colorful pills at the previous stop sign. I was eating skittles. FML

I agree, your life sucks

44365

You deserved it

3218

Tweet

Share

By Cat Ashes - United States - Dewitt

Today, I received an unexpected package from my mother. It contained my cat's ashes. Apparently he died 3 weeks ago and she thought this was the best way to tell me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

43677

You deserved it

2781

Tweet

Share

By donnap - United States - North Highlands

Today, I got a really bad sunburn. On my eyelids. Who knew blinking could be so painful? FML

I agree, your life sucks

27316

You deserved it

4693

Tweet

Share

By depraved - United States

Today, taking the train to work after the worst hangover ever, two immense fat women start talking about rim jobs. I got up to switch cabins just in time for their conversation to switch over to RECEIVING rim jobs. I sprayed puke all over myself and an innocent bystander. FML

I agree, your life sucks

27167

You deserved it

4677

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United Kingdom

Today, my boyfriend dumped me by writing "we're through fat slob" on my forehead whilst I was asleep in permanent marker. FML

I agree, your life sucks

39610

You deserved it

5031

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - United States

Today, I heard an electric saw cutting through something outside my condo. I presumed it was a complex maintenance guy working on something. It was a thief using an angle grinder to cut off my bicycle's U-lock. FML

I agree, your life sucks

58887

You deserved it

6005

Tweet

Share

By liz1234 - United States

Today, I was having sex with my boyfriend. His mom called to him from the next room telling him dinner would be ready soon, he needed to move his car, etc. They had a 5 minute conversation...while he was still inside me. FML

I agree, your life sucks

66008

You deserved it

8088

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous

Today, while waiting for my interview to start, I tried to slip out a silent fart. It ended with shit running down my leg. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2517

You deserved it

1304

Tweet

Share

By angie24w

Today, I had no choice but to use a porta potty. I was happy to get a clean one. I wasn't happy when a young child tried opening the door and used enough force to break the lock, showing me sitting on the toilet to the world. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2721

You deserved it

170

Tweet

Share

By oxbonxo - Australia

Today, after hanging up the phone, I realised that telemarketers are my only form of social life. FML

I agree, your life sucks

26507

You deserved it

6140

Tweet

Share

By single not ready to mingle - 27/10/2020 18:02 - United States

Fuck the patriarchy

Today, my now ex-boyfriend told me that we could keep dating, but he doesn’t see a future with me because I’m not a good submissive woman like his mother. His mother who’s been married four times for cheating on all her husbands. Yeah, good woman indeed. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1259

You deserved it

104

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous

A Different Kind of Tension

Today, I got a text from a guy I hooked up with once before my current boyfriend. The guy told me he has chlamydia, and I should probably get tested. I had to call my boyfriend to explain what happened and tell him to get tested. I'm meeting his family this weekend at his sister's wedding. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1453

You deserved it

475

Tweet

Share

By Anonymous - Canada

Today, I was so zoned-out, I shouted a hello to the chair in the staff room. It's the third time today I've mistaken an inanimate object for a person. FML

I agree, your life sucks

1231

You deserved it

480

Tweet

Share

By nice one - United States - Athens

Today, I got home from a week-long vacation with my friend's family. When I got back home, I found the garage door had been completely demolished. My uncontrollably drunk dad blamed me. I don't even drive. FML

I agree, your life sucks

46705

You deserved it

2735

Tweet

Share

By damnbananas - United States

Today, while at school, I slipped on a wet patch in the hall and fell over, smacking my head against the floor. I laid there for a good five minutes in agonizing pain while people literally walked over me. Not a single person bothered to help me up or ask if I was okay. FML

I agree, your life sucks

36495

You deserved it

4319

Tweet

Share

By DamnMyOvaries - United States - Groves

Today, I fainted in the lunch line at school due to extreme period cramps, and ended up having to get seven stitches on my face. This is the third time I've fainted because of my period this year. FML

I agree, your life sucks

6430

You deserved it

506

Tweet

Share

By Andrea Trevor

Still counts!

Today, I finally did the splits for the first time in my life! Unfortunately, it happened when I stepped in wet dog poop on my kitchen floor. One foot slipped forward in it, and I fell right on top of it. FML

I agree, your life sucks

2419

You deserved it

215

Tweet

Share

By Juliet

Today, I auditioned for my school's production of Romeo and Juliet. When they announced that I got the part as Juliet, all the guys auditioning for Romeo suddenly disappeared. FML

I agree, your life sucks

46869

You deserved it

5907

Tweet

Share

By fatty - United States

Today, my friend was complaining about how fat she was. To make her feel better I said, "Psh, you're not fat! In fact we're about the same weight!" She looked at me for a second, then burst into tears sobbing, "I'm fat! I'm fat!" FML

I agree, your life sucks

60610

You deserved it

10545

Tweet

Share

By Swedishsummer - Sweden - Floda

Today, we finally got some signs of summer in Sweden and I went to hang out in the sun with some friends. I was wearing sunglasses so I only put sunscreen on my nose and forehead. I now have a dick-shaped area in my face where I didn't completely burn my face off. FML

I agree, your life sucks

9286

You deserved it

5461

Tweet

Share

By ladyhavery - United States

Today, my hot co-worker had to use my computer, so he called me while I was at lunch for my login password. It was his name. FML

I agree, your life sucks

23592

You deserved it

49279

Tweet

Share

Add a comment

You must be logged in to be able to post comments!

Create my account Sign in

Top comments

By lolol182 | 4

#60290 - Thursday 26 March 2009 20:00

ahahahahaha

reminds me of the one where the girl said "forgive me lord!" when she came

By meaganwas | 0

#60303 - Thursday 26 March 2009 20:03

Jesus would most definitely want you to finish. He's a cool guy, so I'm told.

COMMENTS

By lolol182 | 4

#60290 - Thursday 26 March 2009 20:00

ahahahahaha

reminds me of the one where the girl said "forgive me lord!" when she came

Reply

Tang35 | 0

#864701 - Wednesday 17 February 2010 6:49

haha u r so right!! :) if I were a guy id of been like, yes! now bow your head and pray already!

Reply

nosedive1994 | 0

#981264 - Sunday 18 April 2010 8:34

I'd have been like "I'll decide when I come"

Reply

hellokittywhore | 0

#986099 - Wednesday 28 April 2010 0:39

lmfao at 309!!! I'm soo gonna do this tonight!! or maybe the one where the girls giving her bf head and lots at him and gives him a thumbs up. XD

Reply

Selsa_Squirrel | 0

#1221228 - Wednesday 11 August 2010 8:14

There is much win in this one. U.U

Reply

Xtaci | 0

#1247526 - Sunday 15 August 2010 20:18

#323 tell ur bf it tastes like chicken. see what he says lol

Reply

viper2426 | 0

#2971418 - Monday 25 July 2011 10:58

should have cummed and said hallaluya!!

Reply

Humanspider | 18

#3629594 - Thursday 24 November 2011 12:20

awesome!

Reply

aimzskee | 30

#6001719 - Tuesday 8 July 2014 14:56

What a mood killer

By Socrates_fml | 0

#60300 - Thursday 26 March 2009 20:02

how did you answer/what happened?

By meaganwas | 0

#60303 - Thursday 26 March 2009 20:03

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

Reply

sockmonkey560 | 0

#412853 - Monday 20 July 2009 8:27

lol!

Reply

doglover_427 | 0

#980007 - Thursday 15 April 2010 6:14

definately. xD he understands everything

Reply

GreatGeak | 8

#1719636 - Thursday 18 November 2010 17:32

He's cool, but He'd never want you to start.
...He's the after marriage kinda guy.
granted there'd be a lot less stories if people started waiting.

Reply

thegoods69 | 0

#2023635 - Sunday 30 January 2011 2:15

hey 3 you single jk

Reply

orgin1 | 0

#2766879 - Monday 27 June 2011 3:34

win

Reply

l23VIVE | 17

#4302409 - Saturday 14 April 2012 5:31

He's not real so how could have an opinion

Reply

little_red13 | 6

#5183469 - Sunday 25 November 2012 8:42

Yeah he is. Dick..

Reply

ProctorKProducti | 5

#5900017 - Sunday 30 March 2014 6:42

Comment moderated for rule-breaking.. Show it anyway

Reply

colby6666 | 42

#5902358 - Tuesday 1 April 2014 20:34

And so the fighting over religion begins...

By bellwether | 0

#60304 - Thursday 26 March 2009 20:03

Well, do you?

Reply

lifeisaterriblem | 6

#2664959 - Sunday 12 June 2011 8:12

no

Reply

jeffreebitch | 0

#2817815 - Monday 4 July 2011 9:25

Jeffrey Dahmer is mine ;)

Reply

LaChicaBonita | 0

#2822279 - Tuesday 5 July 2011 4:36

hell no! Jesus suckas! XP get real people

By tumornamedmarla | 0

#60315 - Thursday 26 March 2009 20:05

HAHAHAHAH. I'm a girl, so I wouldn't particularly know, but something tells me there are fewer faster ways to lose a hard-on.

Reply

Adrian66_fml | 0

#969736 - Sunday 28 March 2010 7:50

Yes, jesus would most likely be an instant hard-on killer.

By beerchen | 0

#60318 - Thursday 26 March 2009 20:05

LOL @ #3

By misssweetsweet | 0

#60323 - Thursday 26 March 2009 20:07

WOW! I bet that was a bit disturbing... and confusing.

By dawnie1001 | 0

#60326 - Thursday 26 March 2009 20:07

Ya that will make everything crawl right up inside.

Reply

SaturnE_fml | 0

#1030019 - Monday 14 June 2010 6:06

Exactly! He was about to bust, and she wanted to fuck!

By blah_blah_bleh | 0

#60327 - Thursday 26 March 2009 20:08

This is probably one of the funniest FML's i've seen yet hahahahahahahahahahahaaha

By waterydesire | 0

#60339 - Thursday 26 March 2009 20:10

.... Daaaayomnnn.. What a way to kill the mood.