Today, this girl and I were chilling in my apartment and things... - FML

By JAY22 - 26/3/2009 11:41 - United States

Today, this girl and I were chilling in my apartment and things got heated up and we started making out. One thing lead to another and the next thing I knew she was giving me head. I was getting ready to bust when she stopped, looked up into my eyes and said "Do you believe in Jesus?" FML

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Instadrama

Rich people problems

You snooze, you lose

By lovely - 26/2/2014 18:53 - United States - San Francisco

Today, my boyfriend thought it'd be cute to put his penis through a doughnut and try to make me eat it off. FML

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By something - 16/2/2019 18:00

Today, I was walking home from school and my stupid brother who comes earlier then me locked the storm door. I ended up trying every other door for 3 hours in below freezing temperature. I was numb everywhere. I rang the bell and my brother opened it. He was home the whole time. FML

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By idontbleedfromthere - 22/8/2012 23:10 - United States - Indio

Today, after having recently moved into shared accommodations, my prankster of a room-mate has somehow made sure I've yet again woken up with a tampon in my mouth. It's been three times in the past week. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/8/2009 06:58 - United States

Today, I took the kids I'm babysitting to the farm to feed the animals. They were a little scared of the llama, so I showed them how nice it was by feeding it a lot of bread. Then, as I was telling the farmer how I loved the llama and wanted to take it home, it spit grass and bread all over my face. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/10/2009 14:43 - United States

Today, I witnessed a homeless man fall off of his bike and land face first onto the pavement. Bleeding and shivering in the 40 degree weather, I gave him the coat off of my back. He got up like nothing happened and sprinted away with it. Oh yeah, my wallet was in the inside pocket. FML

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By My Daughter Fails at Life - 26/9/2015 01:17 - United States - San Francisco

Today, I asked my shut in of a daughter why she was sniffing black pepper. She said she was practicing to make her sneezes sound like coughs, thereby decreasing the likelihood of someone talking to her. FML

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By Anonymous - 21/10/2011 11:37 - United States

Today, I thought it would be a great idea to tell my co-worker to calm down when he appeared to be very uptight. He thought it would be a great idea to punch me right in the face. FML

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By Anonymous - 10/10/2018 16:00 - United States

Today, I helped this guy get into his truck after he'd locked his keys in it, and he said thank you and went on his way. Ten minutes later, a woman came out of the grocery store and freaked out, saying someone stole her truck. I helped a guy steal a truck. FML

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By acnecream - 3/5/2013 13:23 - Finland - Kinnulanlahti

Today, I was hitting on a cute girl on the bus. It was going well, and she gave me her name to add on Facebook. Since I didn't have the app, I opened Safari on my phone. It opened to my video from Pornhub I watched yesterday and started playing, on full volume, through the entire bus. FML

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By Bob - 21/1/2010 13:33 - Canada

Today, I'm a cashier in a grocery store. The visiting regional manager tore me a new one for being lazy. His reason? After working a double shift with no break, I decided to sit down for a minute when things got slow. FML

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By Anonymous - 14/3/2012 06:15 - Australia

Today, a Russian guy came up to me on the train and informed me that I look exactly like a typical Russian woman. He then went on to explain that I even had enough fat to survive their cold winters. FML

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By dumbass724 - 13/1/2020 14:00 - Canada - Brampton

First day at work

Today, it was my first day of work, and I was wondering why everyone was staring and laughing at me. I looked down and I realized that the fly on my jeans was open. FML

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By Nick - 27/11/2009 10:11 - United Kingdom

Today, I got out of the wrong side of the bed. Into a wall. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/1/2011 00:51 - Canada

Today, my boyfriend told me to stuff my bra before going to a party with him and his friends because he didn't want to be embarrassed. FML

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By ldn - 21/3/2013 17:54 - Slovenia - Domzale

Today, my girlfriend confided in me that she wanted to try bondage. Since I trust her, I said sure. After I was tied to the bed, she tickled me until I pissed myself. FML

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By Anonymous - 16/1/2013 21:08 - United States - San Marcos

Today, my mom wished me "Happy Conception Day." FML

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By - 1/12/2019 14:00 - United States - Tallahassee

Loud and long

Today, I'm stuck with sleeping in the same room as my mother. The problem? Her snores are extremely loud and a full minute long. I'm not kidding, I timed it. FML

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By Anonymous - 2/11/2009 14:04 - United States

Today, I finally had the opportunity to have sex with my girlfriend. This would be the first time for both of us, so I tried to make it really special. I had everything planned out to be very romantic. She loved how it was set up. After all this, I couldn't get it up at all, all night. FML

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By devil neighbours - 11/4/2017 15:00 - United Kingdom - Derby

Today, I'm living in a house share with a passive-aggressive middle-aged couple who leave rude notes around the house and yet pretend I don't exist when they happen to be in the same room as me. I'm in no position to get rid of them or move myself. FML

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By shoutoutloud2him - 5/12/2009 08:48 - United States

Today, I was at Home Depot getting a Christmas tree with my family. While picking out a tree, a man thought it would be nice to help cut off the string that held the tree together. The branches hit me in the face and the guy managed to cut my hand. FML

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By caitywebbkid - 11/12/2016 15:56 - Australia - Perth

Today, I was cutting some paper when I accidentally cut a sizeable chunk out of my finger. I went to my car to get my bumbag (I'm a lifeguard) so I could patch it up. I then promptly got a large piece of glass in my foot. FML

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By Stressed_Out_Student - 29/8/2018 22:00

That's a lot of damage!

Today, I had to do a still life of a pillowcase for my drawing class. To make up for bad grades I've gotten before, I followed my professor's directions to a T. He took 19 points off because I drew the background when no one else did. We have to do it for every piece. FML

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By Anonymous - 7/1/2010 14:45 - Canada

Today, I got a haircut, and after thanking the stylist I went up front to pay. The lady behind the counter took one look at me, smiled and said "well, now you'll need a hat." FML

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By Anonymous - 13/6/2015 15:47 - United States - Cabot

Today, I started my new job at a haunted house. I figured I'd change clothes when I got home, since my bloody shirt and zombie makeup were blatantly just an outfit. I barely made it 10 minutes before I was pinned to the ground at gunpoint, cuffed, and needing new underwear. FML

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By elena02 - 21/11/2015 19:45 - United States - Wayne

Today, my house is so cold that I chipped a tooth from chattering so hard. FML

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By deliveryboy - 5/3/2011 15:46 - China

Today, I was told that I was an idiot by a little girl because I didn't deliver a pizza to her house fast enough. FML

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By Anonymous - 26/10/2018 17:30

Today, years after I stepped on a nail and had the wound stitched, I got an X-ray. I've had serious trouble walking, and it turns out I had 2.5 inches of nail living in the sole of my foot, stabbing up into my ankle joint. I now need major surgery. FML

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By Anonymous - 20/4/2013 16:34 - Thailand

Today, I can no longer leave my son at daycare, because at the age of 5, he's started manipulating the girls there into fighting over him. A kid lost a baby tooth in one such brawl. FML

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By saintmichi - 1/2/2010 00:21 - Poland

Today, after a 9 hour train journey through the Polish mountains, I mistook a small black and white cat for a penguin. FML

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By Anonymous - 18/6/2015 12:36 - United States - Tallahassee

Today, my ex-boyfriend dumped sand into the crankcase of my truck and then filled it to the top with water after I dumped him for being immature and not respecting my things. FML

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By Anonymous - 23/8/2015 14:03 - United States - Charlotte

Today, after some great sex, my boyfriend mused: "You know, from this position, I could punch you in the cunt and you wouldn't be able to stop me." I could only relax when he finally fell asleep nearly an hour later. FML

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By AnHoneyMouse - 12/5/2017 02:00

Today, while I was cooking, my dogs were messing around behind me. I suddenly felt a painful bite on my ass cheek and instinctively kicked back. I then realized it was my 3-year-old daughter, who was laying on the floor crying with a nose bleed. FML

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By DJ Clitter - 16/4/2012 19:35 - United States

Today, I was in the car with my daughter, when I narrowly missed hitting a car after running a stop sign. After she screamed at me and demanded to know what I was doing, I had to admit that I'd been daydreaming about David Bowie. FML

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By oopsiecoffee - 9/4/2009 06:40 - Canada

Today, I went into a small coffee shop. In line, a guy came up to me and was like "I haven't seen you here before, are you new in town?" and I replied with "Oh, no I've lived here for years. The coffee here is crap, though, so I only come here when Starbucks is full" He's the owner of the shop. FML

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By blueheron93 - 13/11/2010 14:25 - Germany

Today, I realized that the only boy who ever called me pretty was my 5-year-old brother. My sister then scolded him for lying. FML

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By Ethan - 9/3/2009 13:35 - Australia

Today, I was having birthday dinner with my girlfriend and her parents, when her Dad asked what I got her she replied "He said he was going to give me a Pearl Necklace when we get home." I realized then that my girlfriend did not know what I meant by 'Pearl Necklace.' FML

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By anon - 7/2/2010 00:28 - United Kingdom

Today, I heard that there's a rumour going around that I was caught masturbating while crying at a party after the girl I liked got with someone else. FML

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By puppylove - 3/8/2019 16:00 - Philippines

Today, my mom found me staring at my puppy's butthole. She'd also been standing there for 5 minutes. FML

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By sydsophnova - 2/7/2009 03:36 - United States

Today, my boyfriend was on the roof of his house. I climbed the ladder but I am kind of scared of heights so when I got up there I just sat on the edge. The gutter broke and fell down and I fell along with it. My boyfriend said, "I've been trying to tell you to go on a diet". FML

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By clair_brodie - 4/7/2019 20:00

Today, as I was putting some dishes away, I spilled water on the floor. While walking around the dishwasher, I slipped on said water, and after going to urgent care, found out I tore my meniscus. FML

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Top comments

By lolol182 | 4

#60290 - Thursday 26 March 2009 20:00

ahahahahaha

reminds me of the one where the girl said "forgive me lord!" when she came

By meaganwas | 0

#60303 - Thursday 26 March 2009 20:03

Jesus would most definitely want you to finish. He's a cool guy, so I'm told.

COMMENTS

By lolol182 | 4

#60290 - Thursday 26 March 2009 20:00

ahahahahaha

reminds me of the one where the girl said "forgive me lord!" when she came

Reply

Tang35 | 0

#864701 - Wednesday 17 February 2010 6:49

haha u r so right!! :) if I were a guy id of been like, yes! now bow your head and pray already!

Reply

nosedive1994 | 0

#981264 - Sunday 18 April 2010 8:34

I'd have been like "I'll decide when I come"

Reply

hellokittywhore | 0

#986099 - Wednesday 28 April 2010 0:39

lmfao at 309!!! I'm soo gonna do this tonight!! or maybe the one where the girls giving her bf head and lots at him and gives him a thumbs up. XD

Reply

Selsa_Squirrel | 0

#1221228 - Wednesday 11 August 2010 8:14

There is much win in this one. U.U

Reply

Xtaci | 0

#1247526 - Sunday 15 August 2010 20:18

#323 tell ur bf it tastes like chicken. see what he says lol

Reply

viper2426 | 0

#2971418 - Monday 25 July 2011 10:58

should have cummed and said hallaluya!!

Reply

Humanspider | 18

#3629594 - Thursday 24 November 2011 12:20

awesome!

Reply

aimzskee | 30

#6001719 - Tuesday 8 July 2014 14:56

What a mood killer

By Socrates_fml | 0

#60300 - Thursday 26 March 2009 20:02

how did you answer/what happened?

By meaganwas | 0

#60303 - Thursday 26 March 2009 20:03

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

sockmonkey560 | 0

#412853 - Monday 20 July 2009 8:27

lol!

Reply

doglover_427 | 0

#980007 - Thursday 15 April 2010 6:14

definately. xD he understands everything

Reply

GreatGeak | 8

#1719636 - Thursday 18 November 2010 17:32

He's cool, but He'd never want you to start.
...He's the after marriage kinda guy.
granted there'd be a lot less stories if people started waiting.

Reply

thegoods69 | 0

#2023635 - Sunday 30 January 2011 2:15

hey 3 you single jk

Reply

orgin1 | 0

#2766879 - Monday 27 June 2011 3:34

win

Reply

l23VIVE | 17

#4302409 - Saturday 14 April 2012 5:31

He's not real so how could have an opinion

Reply

little_red13 | 6

#5183469 - Sunday 25 November 2012 8:42

Yeah he is. Dick..

Reply

ProctorKProducti | 5

#5900017 - Sunday 30 March 2014 6:42

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

colby6666 | 42

#5902358 - Tuesday 1 April 2014 20:34

And so the fighting over religion begins...

By bellwether | 0

#60304 - Thursday 26 March 2009 20:03

Well, do you?

Reply

lifeisaterriblem | 6

#2664959 - Sunday 12 June 2011 8:12

no

Reply

jeffreebitch | 0

#2817815 - Monday 4 July 2011 9:25

Jeffrey Dahmer is mine ;)

Reply

LaChicaBonita | 0

#2822279 - Tuesday 5 July 2011 4:36

hell no! Jesus suckas! XP get real people

By tumornamedmarla | 0

#60315 - Thursday 26 March 2009 20:05

HAHAHAHAH. I'm a girl, so I wouldn't particularly know, but something tells me there are fewer faster ways to lose a hard-on.

Reply

Adrian66_fml | 0

#969736 - Sunday 28 March 2010 7:50

Yes, jesus would most likely be an instant hard-on killer.

By beerchen | 0

#60318 - Thursday 26 March 2009 20:05

LOL @ #3

By misssweetsweet | 0

#60323 - Thursday 26 March 2009 20:07

WOW! I bet that was a bit disturbing... and confusing.

By dawnie1001 | 0

#60326 - Thursday 26 March 2009 20:07

Ya that will make everything crawl right up inside.

Reply

SaturnE_fml | 0

#1030019 - Monday 14 June 2010 6:06

Exactly! He was about to bust, and she wanted to fuck!

By blah_blah_bleh | 0

#60327 - Thursday 26 March 2009 20:08

This is probably one of the funniest FML's i've seen yet hahahahahahahahahahahaaha

By waterydesire | 0

#60339 - Thursday 26 March 2009 20:10

.... Daaaayomnnn.. What a way to kill the mood.