Today, this girl and I were chilling in my apartment and things... - FML

By JAY22 - United States

Today, this girl and I were chilling in my apartment and things got heated up and we started making out. One thing lead to another and the next thing I knew she was giving me head. I was getting ready to bust when she stopped, looked up into my eyes and said "Do you believe in Jesus?" FML

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Rich people problems

Sounds like a catch

Business savvy

By madib33 - United States

Today, after much debate I let my mom wax my eyebrows. Now I get to look super surprised until they grow back. FML

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By twnty1 - United States

Today, I discovered that I'm allergic to band-aids. I now have a band-aid shaped rash around a tiny cut on my leg. Oh the irony. FML

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By shuahwan - New Zealand

Today, to settle a bet with a friend, I took an online IQ test twice. The first time, I chose answers at random without reading the questions. The second time, I took it for real. I got a higher score from the random selections than from my serious attempt. FML

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By isthisajoke - United States

Today, I was told that my mom and her new husband have named my new born brother "Titan". FML

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By BugDTV - United States - Auburn

Today, I went to open my store but corporate had changed the locks without notice. The store's being sold. FML

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By dani - United States - Dayton

Today, I was at Walmart and had to use the bathroom. I sat down and farted real loud. I didn't realize someone was in there with me until I heard a voice say, "Dude, that was a good one." It was a man's voice. I then realized I was in the men's restroom. FML

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By Flip - France

Today, to avoid looking like a loser in front of his friends who all have girlfriends, my brother made up a perfect relationship. He asked me to give him a hickey in exchange for 50 euros. Our parents walked in on us. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Grandville

Today, I heard from my dad for the first time in over six months. It was through Facebook, in a message blaming my brothers and me for his horrible life, and in which he spelled my name wrong. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I went to the doctor and found out that I am infertile. When I called my boyfriend of 2 years (whom I was hoping to have a future with) to talk to him about it, all he said was "So does this mean I don't have to wear a condom anymore?" FML

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By Anonymous - Australia - College Park

Today, I got jumpscared, by my freshly-bathed grandma coming out of the bathroom without a towel on. FML

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By WhereforeArtThouJustice - Portugal

Today, one of my classmates asked the teacher to postpone her presentation because she had to study and the teacher happily agreed. When I approached her, the teacher started yelling at me because postponing deadlines is irresponsible. I just wanted to make sure we didn't need to bring our book. FML

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By anon... - United States - Washington

Today, I broke up with my boyfriend of almost 4 months. He was always worried I would cheat on him, so he cheated on me. FML

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By Stressed Mother - United States - Piscataway

Today, after months of job hunting, I finally got a phone call. They were impressed with me. That's when my son decided to throw a tantrum asking for food. After some silence, the caller told me they were looking for someone who wasn't juggling little kids at home and hung up. My son is 20. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, my mom tried to give me a pep talk to boost my self confidence. Somehow, it ended up turning into a conversation about how much of a loser I am and how I have no friends. FML

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By splitzville - United States

Today, I noticed a cute girl in the checkout lane at the store. Feeling a little flirtatious, I decided to blow a bubble with my gum to get her attention. I accidentally shot the gum out of my mouth onto the guy next to me, spitting all over myself in the process. FML

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By Bg2466 - United States - Pittsburgh

Today, I got a bad review on my work's Facebook page. The girl said I was very rude and I should never work with the public. I was trying to flirt with her. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I thought it was a good idea to go number two while smoking a "cigarette". My ash tray was over by the sink so I decided to just ash in the toilet. While ashing between my legs, I sneezed and now I have a extremely uncomfortable burn on my man member. Smoking is bad. FML

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By uetlqdja - United States

Today, my ex husband is marrying my sister. FML

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By Anonymous - Spain - Las Palmas

Today, I went with my girlfriend to the airport for some much needed vacation time. We arrived on time but were stopped at the gate when they told me I didn't have the right passport. The plane left without me. My girlfriend did too. FML

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By facepalm - United States

Today, my dad's conspiracy theory obsession hit a new level of stupidity when he blurted "false flag" because our toaster stopped working. FML

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By leonieNL - Netherlands

Today, I got back from a 3 and a half week trip to South Africa to do volunteer work with children in townships. My parents forgot to pick me up, and I had to sit there by myself and wait for them, while 80 people of the same organization got loving hugs from their proud parents. FML

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By zombieguyswife - United States - Branson

Today, I found out that the only way I can convince my husband to start working out is by convincing him that we are training for when the "zombie outbreak" happens. FML

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By Anon - United States

Today, I discovered that my name literally means "burden". This wouldn't be so bad if both my mother and father knew this when they named me. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Nanaimo

Today, I started my job as a driving instructor. My first client showed up piss drunk. FML

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By Anonymous - 29/6/2020 17:00

Sensitive

Today, my mom had to go off on my grandmother because I don’t have kids yet and she, "wants great grand babies before she dies." My grandmother was going to gift me a baby outfit for me to get another hint. I’m 25 and can’t conceive because of health issues. I may never have my own kids. She knows. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Ithaca

Today, my mother told me to take a quick shower. When I got out, she told me I took too long, and now I have to pay the utilities bill. My shower was two minutes long. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had to choose between living with my over protective dad who only uses me for free childcare, or my pot smoking mom who always needs to borrow money. FML

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By fireman - United States

Today, I went over to this girl's house that I really like. I was planning on cooking her dinner. In the process, the grease in the pan got too hot and caught fire. We ended up having to call the fire department. FML

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By Not That Old - United States

Today, I went to El Pollo Loco for the $10.00 special. I ordered from the pimple-faced kid at the register, pulled out two fives, and he said, "That'll be 9.70, I gave you the senior discount." I'm 10 years away from that. Thank you? FML

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By emilyhendrix0414 - United States

Today, my 5-year-old, overweight Siberian Husky tackled me because he thought that my lipstick was food. FML

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By terrible person

Today, I went to my boyfriend's house to break down and cry because his mother hates me for unknown reasons. I walked in, gave him a long hug, and started sobbing. I then saw his mother. She was visiting him to complain about how terrible a person I am. FML

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By maybenot - United Kingdom

Today, whilst on a cycling holiday, in a somewhat hungover state, I accidentally chained my bike to the back of someone else's caravan. As I walked away, I heard a loud scraping noise. I turned around and watched my bike get dragged down a long gravel road and through a pile of horse shit. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada

Today, seeing Ozzy Osbourne live for the first time, I was trying to get the perfect photo of the entire band on stage. That is, until a sudden burst of pyrotechnics startled me, and I gave myself a black eye from the camera hitting me in the face. FML

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By 19collegestudentandpregant - United States - Loretto

Today, I found out my parents are divorcing and my mom is moving out. I'm 11 weeks pregnant. Breaking the news should be fun. FML

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By Chloe - United Kingdom

Today, it was my first day on a £600 a week job. I was fired for being 10 minutes late. FML

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By ChangMu - United States - Des Moines

Today, I had to go buy diaper rash cream. For myself. FML

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By hotheadslav - United States - Warsaw

Today, I was on a date with a girl and everything was going great. As I took her back to her house and walked her to her door I leaned in for a kiss. She seemed to really enjoy it so I went for another but as I leaned in again, I sneezed uncontrollably shooting her face with saliva and snot. FML

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By TheLastSerenade - Australia - Sydney

Today, I saw a woman breast feeding her child at the local park. That would have been just fine if the child wasn't at least 8 years old. FML

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By OldHabitsDieHard - United States - Erie

Today, I was getting my cat some canned food. Out of habit I licked the spoon after I had emptied the can only to realize too late what I had done. FML

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By Anonymous - Canada - Ottawa

Today, my girlfriend got heartburn. She started freaking out, convinced she was having a heart attack. Five hours and an ambulance later, we finally left the ER with a diagnosis of 'too many hot dogs.' FML

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Top comments

By lolol182 | 4

#60290 - Thursday 26 March 2009 20:00

ahahahahaha

reminds me of the one where the girl said "forgive me lord!" when she came

By meaganwas | 0

#60303 - Thursday 26 March 2009 20:03

Jesus would most definitely want you to finish. He's a cool guy, so I'm told.

COMMENTS

By lolol182 | 4

#60290 - Thursday 26 March 2009 20:00

ahahahahaha

reminds me of the one where the girl said "forgive me lord!" when she came

Reply

Tang35 | 0

#864701 - Wednesday 17 February 2010 6:49

haha u r so right!! :) if I were a guy id of been like, yes! now bow your head and pray already!

Reply

nosedive1994 | 0

#981264 - Sunday 18 April 2010 8:34

I'd have been like "I'll decide when I come"

Reply

hellokittywhore | 0

#986099 - Wednesday 28 April 2010 0:39

lmfao at 309!!! I'm soo gonna do this tonight!! or maybe the one where the girls giving her bf head and lots at him and gives him a thumbs up. XD

Reply

Selsa_Squirrel | 0

#1221228 - Wednesday 11 August 2010 8:14

There is much win in this one. U.U

Reply

Xtaci | 0

#1247526 - Sunday 15 August 2010 20:18

#323 tell ur bf it tastes like chicken. see what he says lol

Reply

viper2426 | 0

#2971418 - Monday 25 July 2011 10:58

should have cummed and said hallaluya!!

Reply

Humanspider | 18

#3629594 - Thursday 24 November 2011 12:20

awesome!

Reply

aimzskee | 30

#6001719 - Tuesday 8 July 2014 14:56

What a mood killer

By Socrates_fml | 0

#60300 - Thursday 26 March 2009 20:02

how did you answer/what happened?

By meaganwas | 0

#60303 - Thursday 26 March 2009 20:03

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

sockmonkey560 | 0

#412853 - Monday 20 July 2009 8:27

lol!

Reply

doglover_427 | 0

#980007 - Thursday 15 April 2010 6:14

definately. xD he understands everything

Reply

GreatGeak | 8

#1719636 - Thursday 18 November 2010 17:32

He's cool, but He'd never want you to start.
...He's the after marriage kinda guy.
granted there'd be a lot less stories if people started waiting.

Reply

thegoods69 | 0

#2023635 - Sunday 30 January 2011 2:15

hey 3 you single jk

Reply

orgin1 | 0

#2766879 - Monday 27 June 2011 3:34

win

Reply

l23VIVE | 17

#4302409 - Saturday 14 April 2012 5:31

He's not real so how could have an opinion

Reply

little_red13 | 6

#5183469 - Sunday 25 November 2012 8:42

Yeah he is. Dick..

Reply

ProctorKProducti | 5

#5900017 - Sunday 30 March 2014 6:42

Too many negative votes, comment buried. Show the comment

Reply

colby6666 | 42

#5902358 - Tuesday 1 April 2014 20:34

And so the fighting over religion begins...

By bellwether | 0

#60304 - Thursday 26 March 2009 20:03

Well, do you?

Reply

lifeisaterriblem | 6

#2664959 - Sunday 12 June 2011 8:12

no

Reply

jeffreebitch | 0

#2817815 - Monday 4 July 2011 9:25

Jeffrey Dahmer is mine ;)

Reply

LaChicaBonita | 0

#2822279 - Tuesday 5 July 2011 4:36

hell no! Jesus suckas! XP get real people

By tumornamedmarla | 0

#60315 - Thursday 26 March 2009 20:05

HAHAHAHAH. I'm a girl, so I wouldn't particularly know, but something tells me there are fewer faster ways to lose a hard-on.

Reply

Adrian66_fml | 0

#969736 - Sunday 28 March 2010 7:50

Yes, jesus would most likely be an instant hard-on killer.

By beerchen | 0

#60318 - Thursday 26 March 2009 20:05

LOL @ #3

By misssweetsweet | 0

#60323 - Thursday 26 March 2009 20:07

WOW! I bet that was a bit disturbing... and confusing.

By dawnie1001 | 0

#60326 - Thursday 26 March 2009 20:07

Ya that will make everything crawl right up inside.

Reply

SaturnE_fml | 0

#1030019 - Monday 14 June 2010 6:06

Exactly! He was about to bust, and she wanted to fuck!

By blah_blah_bleh | 0

#60327 - Thursday 26 March 2009 20:08

This is probably one of the funniest FML's i've seen yet hahahahahahahahahahahaaha

By waterydesire | 0

#60339 - Thursday 26 March 2009 20:10

.... Daaaayomnnn.. What a way to kill the mood.