Love: Today, there was a potluck at my girlfriend's house. I had a... - FML

By mikesok988 - United States

Today, there was a potluck at my girlfriend's house. I had a sour stomach, so I went to the bathroom to relieve myself. When I flushed, nothing happened. They had to call a plumber to fix the toilet filled with my crap. The whole family watched, noses plugged and faces cringed, looking at me. FML

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Messed up

Trip Advisor says no

Workaholic

By ValeyFallsAlot

Today, I fell down a flight of stairs. The guy behind me was kind enough to ask if I was okay. He then called his friends over so they could laugh at me. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/8/2020 23:01

Catching up

Today, I got a message from my crush, with whom I had a one night stand with a few months ago. I was really surprised and excited to see his name pop up on my phone. Turns out, he only messaged me to accuse me of giving him mono, and then he blocked me. FML

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By justsomesummer - United States - Beaverton

Today, I got a new babysitting job. Every time the little girl goes to the bathroom, she screams and cries until I wipe her. She's 7 years old. FML

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By Steve - United States

Today, I put aftershave on my fingers to encourage myself to stop biting my nails. I absentmindedly rubbed my eye a few minutes later. It burnt like hell. FML

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By iharethissomuxh - Canada

Today, I played a volleyball game at my school. Not only did I miss the winning point, the ball hit my face in the process, which resulted in popping a big fat zit on my nose. FML

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By dan - United States - Phoenix

Today, after going out to dinner with my girlfriend, we went back to my place and things started getting hot. I went in the bathroom and put on a green condom. She wouldn't have sex with me because it looked "like a cucumber" and "cucumbers are nasty." FML

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By f4444 - United States - Highland Park

Today, the guy I thought I was exclusive with admitted that the only reason he comes over is because no one else will sleep with him. FML

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By Anonymous - United Kingdom - Edinburgh

Today, my parents told me that they had joined a local club. Proud of them for going out of their comfort zone to make new friends, I googled the name of the club. I'm sure they'll make some lifelong friends at their first swingers club meet. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Auburn

Today, I had to explain to my teacher that Czechoslovakia is no longer a country. She kicked me out of class when she found out I was right. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I ignored my cat's incessant meowing, and pushed him away every time he wanted to be petted. The next time I walked downstairs I found him dead. FML

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By jusfonzin - United States

Today, I sent a cover letter to a potential employer. In the letter, I talked about my great attention to detail, my strong ability to focus, and my stellar writing skills. After hitting send, I reread the letter and noticed that I typed my name "B-R-A-I-N." My name is Brian. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, the office tough guy learned how to use the fire extinguisher. On me. I wasn't on fire. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I sat across from a cute boy in my English class. I thought it was cute when he winked at me, so I laughed and winked back. I didn't understand why he shot me a dirty look, until I later found out he has eyelid spasms. FML

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By goatvideosarelame - Singapore

Today, my boss called me into his office to proudly show me about an hour's worth of videos of his recent holiday. The videos were all of goats and cows eating grass outside his window in Pakistan. FML

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By YES I MEAN *EX* GIRLFRIEND - Canada

Today, to prove that my girlfriend is a "total skank", my best friend seduced her and showed me the video he secretly filmed of it. FML

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By Anonymous - 13/7/2020 08:01

Missed opportunities

Today, I turned down a chance to go to a bar with a girl I like because I have an autoimmune disorder and don't want to get sick because of being irresponsible and obviously COVID 19. FML

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By RollieCollieUSA - United States

Today, my girlfriend and I lost our virginity to each other. Before, I reached over to her computer and put on "Your Body is a Wonderland". Surprisingly, I lasted through the song and didn't realize her itunes was on random. "Rape me" by Nirvana came on. I still finished. FML

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By ouch - United States

Today, my mom got drunk and punched me in the nose, then yelled at me for bleeding on the carpet. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Beat It

Today, we had an office party and everyone had to dress as a dead star. I love Michael Jackson so I dressed up as him. It turns out I looked more like my boss than Michael. I was then written up for "theoretically" killing my boss. FML

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By Patoose - Canada - Montr?al

Today, I had surgery done to fix an ingrown toenail. When the doctor started cutting the nail, my toe wasn't entirely frozen. FML

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By Tiff676 - Canada

Today, I was working at the theater as an Usher. A man comes up to me and gives me his ticket. At the same time, he takes a sip of water and suddenly felt the need to sneeze. The water came out from his nose and landed all over my face. I was covered with his mucus and had to wish him a good movie. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I had a mild epileptic seizure. My mom's immediate reaction was not to comfort me or call for help, but to freak out over the fact that I'd spilled my glass of milk over the floor. FML

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By Anonymous - United States

Today, I was shopping at Walmart, when a large lady and her friend blocked the aisle I was trying to go down. After saying, "Excuse me," twice and being ignored, I pushed my way through. After getting past, I looked back and noticed she was glaring at me while signing to her friend. FML

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By NYMTS - Australia

Today, I had to make a deal with my 22 year old fiancé. What was the deal? If he put deodorant on, he could squeeze my boob for as long as he liked. FML

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By father of the year - United States

Today, my 18-year-old daughter texted me and told me that she got in a car crash. She texted, "I forgot wich way wus left lol" and then quickly added "yolo right? Lol". FML

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By outie - 13/9/2020 02:02

Genetics

Today, my boyfriend broke up with me because I have an 'outie' belly button, and he didn't want our potential kids to have one. FML

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By Anonymous

Today, I went to get drinks for the first time with a guy I'd been talking to. He drank 4 drinks in the span of 30 minutes, and fell asleep at the table. I went to the bathroom before getting the check, and I came back to find he'd thrown up all over our table. Needless to say, I left without saying a word to him and deleted his number. FML

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By lovehurts - United States

Today, after breaking up with my girlfriend of two years over the phone, I recieved a knock on my door. It was my now ex-girlfriend who came to seek revenge by shooting me in the balls with a paintball gun at about a three foot range. FML

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By firehurts - United States - Wallkill

Today, I threw a bonfire for my birthday. My boyfriend managed to set my leg on fire by throwing his liquor bottle into the fire. Happy birthday to me. FML

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By melonhead77 - Cyprus

Today, I got so bored that I ordered my DVD drawer from awesomest to non-awesomest. I need a life. FML

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By Holly - United States

Today, I lied to the treadmill about my weight. FML

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By jennythezebra - United Kingdom - Thornton Heath

Today, a customer told me, "Girls your size can't bend at the waist." I couldn't stop laughing at the imagery long enough to be really offended. FML

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By Anonymous - United States - Vancouver

Today, while researching tea etiquette for Sunday's tea, I read, "to put milk in your tea before sugar is to cross the path of love, perhaps never to marry." I suddenly panicked that this very lack of knowledge is why I haven't met a man who wants to marry me, and that I never will. I'm only 23. FML

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By katara - United States

Busted

Today, I was relaxing on the couch after a long day with my annoying aunt when I heard my sister come in from the garage. I loudly asked, "Do you think Aunt Stacy knows everybody doesn't like her?" It wasn't my sister. It was my aunt returning my purse I had left in her car. FML

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By panicked headaches - United States - East Lansing

Today, I started taking my anxiety meds. Without them I can't function because I'm constantly fighting off panic attacks, but with them I can't function because I get crippling headaches and heartburn and feel tired all the time. FML

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By awkwardsituation - United States

Today, I watched a stray dog hump a garden gnome in my front yard. So did my two year old daughter. I've already had to stop her "re-enactments" twice. FML

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By aXel

Today, my dog was watching me and started to have a hard-on, for half an hour. FML

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By Mayyouneverfindpleasureinavagina - United States - Garden Grove

Today, at karate, my sparring partner thought it was completely okay to surprise kick me in the vagina. When he saw me doubled over in pain, he was completely surprised. Apparently, he thought that it wouldn't hurt, because I have no penis. FML

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By Pissed Off - Australia

Today, I was walking along the street and passed a young couple. Over my shoulder I heard the girl say to her boyfriend "Would you still love me if I looked like her?" FML

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By Anonymous - Denmark - Lemvig

Today, I've been bedridden for the past two weeks. My boyfriend casually remarked that he understands now why some people cheat on their seriously-ill partners. Thanks for adding to the stress, sweetie. FML

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Top comments

By rukusrazor | 0

#176916 - Thursday 7 May 2009 16:17

Why the FUCK would everyone stand in the bathroom and watch a plumber elbow deep in shit?

Was that the most popular item at the potluck? If so, be proud.

By biancagolden | 0

#176907 - Thursday 7 May 2009 16:14

Man up and take pride in that slippery beast!

COMMENTS

By tamoomoo | 0

#176875 - Thursday 7 May 2009 16:07

Guess you'll never be eating there again! By choice!

Reply

blankaex | 0

#1566780 - Monday 18 October 2010 19:08

Sour stomach? If you meant sore stomach, that's understandable, but if you meant sour, then I'm here wondering how you tasted your stomach.

Reply

athena3100 | 9

#2829347 - Wednesday 6 July 2011 8:05

it means the op had a stomach ache.

Reply

trickiestboss | 10

#6084570 - Wednesday 8 October 2014 16:27

This sounds like that part of the movie, "Dumb and Dumber"

By Bobhope124 | 0

#176882 - Thursday 7 May 2009 16:08

HAHAHA
YDI
masculinity fail
real men kno how to plunge a toilet

By 56578 | 0

#176893 - Thursday 7 May 2009 16:10

It could have happened to anyone...

By biancagolden | 0

#176907 - Thursday 7 May 2009 16:14

Man up and take pride in that slippery beast!

By 24788 | 6

#176908 - Thursday 7 May 2009 16:14

It's almost impossible to choose your time to take a shit, and it doesn't help when your at your girlfriends house. FYL on this one.

By rukusrazor | 0

#176916 - Thursday 7 May 2009 16:17

Why the FUCK would everyone stand in the bathroom and watch a plumber elbow deep in shit?

Was that the most popular item at the potluck? If so, be proud.

By heathcoate | 0

#176929 - Thursday 7 May 2009 16:22

Well they won't make you a fucking potluck anymore.

Silver lining.

By wtrplochica | 0

#176948 - Thursday 7 May 2009 16:33

I always so scared this will happen to me. That really stinks.

Reply

reyemrein | 0

#914841 - Thursday 4 March 2010 22:17

^ Pun intended?

By dacho | 7

#176962 - Thursday 7 May 2009 16:37

You are what you eat sweetie

By jackmode9316 | 0

#177001 - Thursday 7 May 2009 16:52

LOL poor bastard.